and bring me into repute, I resolve to follow; and to avoid
all moral offences, such as scratching my head before
company, spitting upon the floor, and omitting to pick up a
lady’s fan And in this persuasion I will persevere, without
any regard to the resurrection of the body, or the life
everlasting. _Amen._
“Q. Wilt thou be initiated into these principles?
“A. That is my inclination.
“Q. Wilt thou keep up to the rules of the _Chesterfield_
morality?
“A. I will, Lord Chesterfield being my admonisher.
_“Then the officiator shall say_,
“Name this child.
“A. A FINE GENTLEMAN.
_“Then he shall say_,
“I introduce thee to the world, the flesh and the devil,
that thou mayest triumph over all awkwardness, and grow up
in all politeness; that thou mayest be acceptable to the
ladies, celebrated for refined breeding, able to speak
French and read Italian, invested with some public
supernumerary character in a foreign Court, get into
Parliament (perhaps into the Privy Council), and that, when
thou art dead, the letters written to thy children, may be
published, in seven editions, for the instruction of all
sober families.
“Ye are to take care that this child, when he is of a proper
age, be brought to Court, to be _confirmed_.”
――――
THE CREED OF ST. ATHANASIUS.
_Quicunque Vult._――(_Shanghai Version._)
I. Whosoever will gain his cause, before all things it is necessary,
that he understand the working of the Supreme Court.
II. Which if a man do not understand, without doubt he shall lose his
dollars everlastingly.
III. And the condition of the Supreme Court is this, That there be one
Judge, one assistant Judge, and one Law Secretary.
IV. The parties to a suit confound the persons, and the Court divideth
the substance.
V. The Judge is incomprehensible, the Assistant Judge is more
incomprehensible, and the Law Secretary most incomprehensible.
VI. And yet the decision of the Judge is not the decision of the
Assistant Judge, and the decision of the Assistant Judge is not the
decision of the Law Secretary.
VII. For like as we are compelled by the law of libel to say, the
Judge is incorruptible, the Assistant Judge is incorruptible, and the
Law Secretary is incorruptible.
VIII. So are we forbidden by the law of common sense to say, the Judge
is infallible, the Assistant Judge is infallible, and the Law
Secretary is infallible.
IX. And the doctrine of the Judge is this――That he was appointed for
the sins of the people, and the hardness of heart of the Consuls.
X. The doctrine of the Assistant Judge is this: Equal to the Judge as
touching the sign manual, but inferior to the Judge as touching beetle
hunting.
XI. The doctrine of the Law Secretary is this――That he was neither
made, created, nor appointed, but proceeding.
XII. Confusion to the Judge, and to the Assistant Judge, and to the
Law Secretary.
XIII. As it was in the Levant, so shall it be in China, and (if they
can find them) in Worlds without end.
――――:o:――――
THE POPULAR CREED.
An American Socialist has written the following as an expression of
the real belief of the middle classes of the present day:――
“I believe in Capital, Father Almighty, maker of weal and
woe, and of all things visible and invisible. And in one
power, Usury and Increase, the only begotten Son of Capital,
begotten of the Father before all dues. Money of money,
wealth of wealth, very cash of very cash, begotten, not
made, being of one substance with capital, and whereby all
things are made; which for us men and for our perdition came
forth from the bottomless; and was invented by ‘_auri sacra
fames_,’ and incarnate of the virgin money, and was made
gold, stamped, and established also for our fleecing under
all governments. It is conjured with and buried and made to
rise again, according to the bank books.
“And I believe in ‘_auri sacra fames_,’ the Lord and Giver
of Business, which proceedeth from Capital and Interest,
which with the Father and Son together are worshipped and
glorified; which spake by the economists. And I believe in
one all-gathering and illimitable Thrift. I acknowledge one
and every dodge for the fleecing of the poor, and I look for
the Kingdom of Iniquity and eternal plunder to come.――Amen.”
――――
THE GLADSTONIAN CREED.
Whosoever will be elected, before all things it is necessary that he
hold the Gladstonian faith.
Which Faith, except every one do keep whole and undefiled, without
doubt he shall perish politically.
And the Gladstonian faith is this, that we worship one Gladstone in
Government and Government in Gladstone.
Neither confounding his person nor divining his meaning.
For there is one person in Gladstone, another in his Son, and not
another near the post.
And yet not Two Gladstones, but One Gladstone.
One Bill holds the Field, not Another in the Field, so the rest
nowhere.
One Gladstone Incomprehensible, One William Incomprehensible, and One
Bill Incomprehensible.
And yet there are not Three Bills, but One Bill;
As also there are not Three Premiers, nor Three Incomprehensibles, but
One Premier Incomprehensible.
Who begets invisible principle and policy of Himself, the only
unimpeachable authority.
For like as we are compelled by the Gladstonian Faith to acknowledge
all his policy to be great, good and gracious,
So we are forbidden by the Gladstonian Religion to say there be Queen,
Cabinet, Lords or Commons;
And in this faith One is Afore and never after Another; One is Greater
never less than another.
So that in all things as aforesaid, Verbosity against Unity――Surrender
to Malignity――is to be worshipped.
Furthermore it is necessary for proper Qualification that he also
believe rightly the mystification of the Grand Old Man.
For the right faith is that we believe and confess that the People’s
William does good for mankind;
That he is perfect Genius and perfect Man and yet a reasonable Soul on
Destructive Acts subsisting;
Equal to no one in Love of Office, and inferior to none in Design to
retain it.
For as this reasonable Soul is Flesh and Blood, so Flesh and Blood
cannot understand this reasonable Soul.
Who will permit any to suffer for his Salvation, and who hopes to rise
again with his Bills from the Dead;
And whosoever follows shall enter as a Gladstonian politician, and he
that does not may sink into political oblivion.
This is the Gladstonian faith, which except a man believe faithfully
he cannot be elected.
June, 1886.
――――
HENRY BUCKLE’S CREED.
_This is the Creed, let no man chuckle,
Of the great thinker Henry Buckle_:――
I believe in fire and water,
And in fate, dame Nature’s daughter,
Consciousness I set aside,
The dissecting knife my guide.
I believe in steam and rice,
Not in virtue nor in vice;
In what strikes the outward sense,
Not in mind nor providence;
In a stated course of crimes,
In Macaulay and the “Times.”
As for “truth” the ancients lost her;
Plato was a great impostor.
Morals are a vain illusion
Leading only to confusion.
Not in Latin nor in Greek
Let us for instruction seek;
Fools like Bossuet that might suit,
Who had better have been mute;
Let us study snakes and flies,
And on fossils fix our eyes.
Would we learn what men should do,
Let us watch the Kangaroo!
Would we know the mental march;
It depends on dates and starch!
I believe in all the gases
As a means to raise the masses.
Carbon animates ambition,
Oxygen controls volition;
Whatever’s good or great in men
May be traced to hydrogen;
And the body, not the soul,
Governs the unfathom’d whole.
From _Notes and Queries_.
――――
Although _The Pious Editor’s Creed_ in “The Biglow Papers” cannot be
styled a parody, it is exquisitely humorous, but much too long to give
in full:――
I du believe in Freedom’s cause
Ez fur away ez Paris is;
I love to see her stick her claws
In them infarnal Pharisees;
It’s wal enough agin a king
To dror resolves an’ triggers,――
But libbaty’s a kind o’ thing,
That don’t agree with niggers.
* * * * *
In short, I firmly du believe
In Humbug generally,
Fer it’s a thing thet I perceive
To hev a solid vally;
This heth my faithful shepherd ben,
In pasturs sweet heth led me,
An’ this ’ll keep the people green
To feed ez they hev fed me.
――――:o:――――
In the works of the Right. Hon. Sir Charles Hanbury Williams there
occurs a parody entitled――
THE LESSONS FOR THE DAY, 1742.
The First Lesson.
¶ _Here beginneth the First Chapter of the Book of Preferment._
Now it came to pass in the 15th year of the reign of George the King,
in the 2nd month, on the 10th day of the month at Even, that a deep
sleep came upon me, the visions of the night possessed my spirit, I
dreamed, and behold Robert[346] the minister came in unto the King,
and besought him, saying:
O King, live for ever! let thy throne be established from generation
to generation! but behold now the power which thou gavest unto thy
servant is at an end, the Peterborough election is lost, and the
enemies of thy servant triumph over him.
Wherefore now I pray thee, if I have found favour in thy sight, suffer
thy servant to depart in peace, that my soul may bless thee.
And when he had spoken these words, he resigned unto the King his
place as First Lord of the Treasury, his Chancellorship of the
Exchequer, and all his other preferments.
* * * * *
This parody concludes with the following:――
OLD ENGLAND’S TE DEUM TO GEORGE THE THIRD.
We complain of Thee, O King, we acknowledge Thee to be an Hanoverian.
All Hungary doth Worship Thee, the Captain everlasting.
To Thee all Placemen cry aloud, the House of Lords and all the
Courtiers therein.
To Thee, Carteret and Bath continually do cry,
Warlike, Warlike, Warlike, Captain General of the Armies! Brunswick
and Lunenburgh are full of the brightness of our coin.
The venal Company of Peers praise Thee.
The goodly fellowship of Ministers praise Thee.
The noble Army of Hanoverians praise Thee.
The Holy Bench of Bishops throughout the land doth acknowledge Thee.
Thine honourable, true, and steady Son.
Also my Lady Yarmouth the comforter.
Thou art a glorious Prince, O King!
Thou art the ever charming Son of the Father.
When thou tookest upon Thee to deliver this nation, Thou didst not
abhor thy Father’s example.
When Thou hadst overcome the sharpness of want, Thou didst open the
smiles of thy favour to all believers in a court.
Thou sittest at the right hand of ―――― in the Treasury of the Father.
We believe that Thou shalt come to be our scourge.
We therefore pray Thee provide for thy servants, whom Thou hast fed
with thy renown. Make them to be numbered with thy slaves in livery
everlasting.
O King, spare thy people of England.
And now squeeze thy people of Hanover.
Govern them as Thou hast governed us,
And confine them to their turnips for ever.
Day by day we sing ballads unto Thee.
And we bawl against Hanover, ever world without end.
Vouchsafe, O King, to keep us this year without thy Hanoverians.
The Lord have mercy upon us; the Lord have mercy upon us.
O King, let thy Mercy lighten our Taxes, as our Credit should be in
Thee.
O King in Thee have I trusted, let me not be confounded.
Valour be to the Father, common sense to the Son, and a young
bed-fellow to the Countess of Yarmouth; as was not in the beginning,
is not now, nor is ever like to be, world without end. _Amen!_
There is another parody of the _Te Deum_ in Robert Southey’s _Omniana_
(vol. 2. p. 41.) entitled _Te Franciscum_, and dated 1733, but it is
of little interest.
――――
CATECHISM FOR THE MERIDIAN OF THE EXCHANGE.
Q. What is your name?
A. A Freeman.
Q. Who gave you this name?
A. The Candidates for a seat in the House of Commons.
Q. Wherein does your Freedom consist?
A. First. In having the liberty to eat, drink, and revel in
debauchery, from the commencement of the canvass to the close of the
poll, let that time be what it may;――and all that on _free cost_.
Secondly. In giving my vote to that Candidate or his friends, whom I
shall conceive the most likely to serve my own _private_ interest,
without any regard to the comparative merits of the Candidates, or
the welfare and prosperity of this Town and Kingdom.
Q. What sort of morality do you call this?
A. This I call political morality; and it is this morality which has
the greatest influence on the conduct of very many electors.
Q. Are there no electors who vote on other principles?
A. Yes: there are some who think, judge, and compare before they
promise; and then give their suffrage, so that their hearts may not
reproach them, for a violation of those principles of morality,
which ought to regulate the conduct of every man, especially if he
professes to be a _Christian_.
Q. Is this promise binding, which has been obtained on a false
statement of facts?
A. All Casuists say _No_; especially if it be to the injury of a
third person.
N.B. FREEMEN, it must be well-known to you, that HENRY BROUGHAM and
THOMAS CREEVEY are the Friends of Trade, Peace and Plenty, and have
neither Place nor Pension; when it is equally notorious that GEORGE
CANNING and ISAAC GASCOYNE are the Friends of War, Taxes, and
Famine, and are now living on the Spoils of their Country.
From _An impartial Collection of Addresses, Songs, Squibs, &c.,
published during the Liverpool Election_, October 1812.
The Candidates were the Rt. Hon. George Canning; Lt.-Gen. Isaac
Gascoigne; Henry Brougham; Thomas Creevey; and Gen. B. Tarlton.
(Messrs. G. Canning and Gascoigne, both Tories, were elected.)
――――
THE INCOME-TAX CATECHISM.
Q. Why is the Income and Property-Tax so called?
A. Because it is a tax on the mere Income of some people, and on the
whole Property of others.
Q. Of whom is it a tax on the Income only?
A. It is a tax on the Income only, and on no more than the Income,
of those whose Income consists of rent, or of the interest of
Property.
Q. Of whom is it a tax on the entire Property?
A. It is a tax on the entire Property of those whose Income consists
of earnings, and who have no other Property than their Income.
Q. So it is called an Income-Tax when it is a tax on Income arising
from Property, and a Property-Tax when it is a tax on Income not
arising from Property?
A. Yes.
Q. If persons whose Income consists merely of earnings were taxed in
the same proportion as those whose Incomes consist of dividends or
of rents, how much Income-Tax would they have to pay?
A. At the utmost, sixteen pence in the pound on the interest of
their yearly incomes at 3 per cent. For instance, a man earning £500
a year would have to pay 20s.
Q. Would this be an equitable adjustment of the Income-Tax?
A. Not quite; because earnings are mostly precarious.
Q. How does the Income-Tax affect persons of precarious income?
A. It deprives them of the money which they ought to save as a
provision against a season of loss of employment, or against old
age.
Q. Where do those people go who are incapacitated by the Income-Tax
from making a provision for loss of employment, or for old age?
A. To the workhouse.
_Punch_, December 13, 1856.
――――
A RABBLE CATECHISM FOR M.P.’S.
_Respectfully Dedicated to_ MAJOR BERESFORD, M.P., _for North Essex;
Ex-Tory Whipper-in, Secretary-at-War in 1852; with every possible
etcetera._
Q. What is a rabble?
A. Rabble is a congregation of creatures that hiss and hoot.
Q. Biped or quadruped?
A. I believe, biped.
Q. Of what are they ordinarily composed?
A. Mud, tempered with ditch-water. Sometimes they are made of
road-scrapings; they are sometimes found of pure clay.
Q. What is your duty towards the rabble?
A. My duty towards the rabble is, from the very bottom of my heart
(wherever that may be) to loathe, detest, hate, and abhor them.
Q. As everything has its place in the condition of the world,
what――in your opinion――in the scale of creation, is the proper place
of the rabble? Take, for instance, an individual. _One_ of the
rabble?
A. I believe that one of the rabble is a――yes――a sort of link
between an ape and a contented labourer. I have, I think, read of
apes that chop sticks and draw water, and walk upright on two legs;
I have no doubt that moral anatomy would establish the analogy. No
doubt of it. Yes; one of the rabble is a link between an ape and a
labourer――a contented labourer.
Q. Has the rabble any voice?
A. Certainly not: it is the want of voice that is the rabble’s
distinguishing want.
Q. But supposing that the rabble could, by Act of Parliament, for
instance, obtain voices――they would then be rabble no longer?
A. Certainly not.
Q. The rabble, having no articulate voices, you conceive it to be
your bounden duty to hate, and, from the bottom of your heart
despise them?
A. I do.
Q. But, having obtained voices, the rabble would then be to you――
A. Every one of them a man and a brother; that is――at Election
times. Yes; from the bottom of my heart, a man and a brother.
――――
A RABBLE CATECHISM FOR THE RABBLE.
Q. What are you?
A. One o’ the rabble
Q. What makes you of the rabble?
A. Nothin’ makes me; got nothin’; that’s why nothin’ does it.
Q. What is your place in the world?
A. Got no place by rights; only what the gentlefolks is so
kind――heaven bless ’em――is so kind to grant me.
Q. What are your duties in life?
A. My duties is to pay duties on ’bacca, and on whatsomever there
may be put upon――tea and beer and so forth――and ax no questions.
Q. Have you any voice at elections?
A. Yes: when I hollars.
Q. But you have no vote?
A. In course not. ’Cause I’m one o’ the rabble.
Q. And as one of the rabble――what are you to expect from the
gentlemen who propose themselves――for the benefit of the country――to
be Members of Parliament?
A. I am to expect, and not a bit to mind it, to be despised from the
bottom of their hearts.
Q. Were you created for that?
A. I was, as badgers were made to be baited, foxes to be hunted, and
hedgehogs to be beaten to bits――so was the rabble made to be
despised by Members of Parliament, ’specially when majors, from the
very bottom of their hearts.
_Punch._
――――
LE CATECHISME DES ANGLAIS.
_Pour l’expulsion des Français sous Napoleon I._
D. Dis moi, mon enfant, qui es tu?
R. Anglais; par la grace de Dieu.
D. Quel est l’ennémi de notre félicité?
R. L’Empereur des Français.
D. Combien a-t-il de natures?
R. Deux: la nature humaine, et la diabolique.
D. Combien y a d’Empereurs des Français?
R. Un véritable, en trois personnes trompeuses.
D. Comment les nomme t-on?
R. Napoléon, Murat, Manuel Godoi.
D. Lequel des trois est le plus méchant?
R. Ils le sont tous trois également.
D. De qui dérive Napoléon?
R. Du péché.
D. Murat?
R. De Napoléon; et Godoi de la formation des deux autres.
D. Quel est l’esprit du prémier?
R. L’orgueil et le despotisme.
D. Du sécond.
R. La rapine, et la cruauté.
D. Du troisième?
R. La cupidité, la trahison, et l’ignorance, &c. &c.
* * * * *
This fragment of a catechism appeared in _Notes and Queries_ June 27,
1868, with a request for information as to its origin, to which no
reply seems to have been made.
――――
A CATECHISM FOR LONDONERS.
Q. What is a Premium?
A. Premium is a Latin word meaning “prize” or “reward.” In London
this reward is given by Landlords to themselves out of the money of
incoming Tenants.
Q. Is a Premium a prize for good conduct?
A. Exclusively so. The good conduct consists in allowing Tenants to
live in London at all.
Q. Is the moment when a house is taken the only occasion on which a
Premium is exacted?
A. Not at all. When a lease expires, Landlords, especially Ducal
ones (see Mr. PLATT’S evidence before the Parliamentary Committee),
often refuse to renew without a heavy Premium.
Q. Is it a valid plea to say that this Premium is a repayment to the
Landlord for improvements which he has kindly made in the house?
A. No; because the Landlord hardly ever makes any improvements.
Q. Then, at any rate, Tenants of London houses can always have the
advantage of a lease, if they like to pay a Premium for it?
A. Such is not the case. Some Ducal Landlords now exact Premiums,
and at the same time refuse to grant leases.
Q. Then the Tenant becomes a mere Tenant-at-will?
A. Unless he prefers to become a Tenant-at-won’t, and leaves the
house in disgust.
Q. Why do not all Tenants adopt the latter system?
A. Because to leave his place of business may mean to a tradesman
the sacrifice of his “connection,” a fact of which Landlords take
full advantage.
Q. If a Tenant asked his Landlord for compensation for improvements
executed by himself, what would the latter do?
A. Improve him off the estate, probably.
Q. When a London Landlord destroys at one blow the value of a
Tradesman’s good-will, by refusing him a lease, and drives him to
emigrate by exacting a “starvation-rent,” what does he call the
result to the Tenant?
A. A happy re-lease.
Q. What is the theoretical foundation on which Ducal Landlords build
their claim to rack-rent all occupiers who “hold of” them?
A. That it is entirely owing to their own careful attention and
unremitting exertions that the soil of London is now of any value
whatever.
Q. And of what material is that foundation largely composed?
A. Portland Cement.
Q. What would the Ducal monopoly of land and houses in the best
situations in London be called in Chicago?
A. A “corner in rents.”
Q. And what would be an appropriate name for the victim of this
monopoly?
A. A _Ground_-Tenant.
Q. Although the Ducal system of “improving estates,” by turning out
old Tenants and raising the rent to the utmost possible limit, may
press hardly on individuals, do not these territorial magnates
display a splendid example of public-spirited generosity and
self-denying civic virtue which compensates for private loss?
A. Scarcely.
_Punch._ May 7, 1887.
――――
A CATECHISM OF THE PEERAGE.
_Question._ What is a Peer.
_Answer._ The eldest son of his father.
Q. Who gave him that Title?
A. No one; it came to him through the accident of birth.
Q. Has he no other claim or qualification?
A. None.
Q. What is the nature of his Title?
A. Hereditary.
Q. Are there no other kind of Peers?
A. Yes; there are a few Life Peers.
Q. What are they?
A. Commoners who are made Peers for the rest of their lives, without
their titles being transmitted to their heirs.
Q. Who creates Peers?
A. The Crown.
Q. What are men made Peers for?
A. For winning battles, for serving their party in the House of
Commons, for being old and no longer of any use to it, for being
troublesome to their colleagues, for being behind the times, and for
being political nuisances that cannot be got rid of in any other
way.
Q. Are Poets ever made Peers?
A. Yes. Lord Tennyson.
Q. Why was he made a Peer?
A. For writing adulatory verses, as Poet Laureate, on royal births,
marriages and deaths.
Q. Besides Hereditary Peers and Life Peers, are there any other
special kinds?
A. Yes. Temporal Peers and Spiritual Peers?.
Q. What are Spiritual Peers?
A. Bishops of the Church of England.
Q. What are the Privileges of a Peer?
A. To be called “My Lord,” to sit in Parliament without asking his
fellow-citizens, to legislate without consulting them, to appoint
clergymen to livings in the Church, and his poor relations to
well-paid offices in the public service.
Q. Whom does the House of Commons represent?
A. The People of England.
Q. Whom do the Peers represent?
A. Themselves.
Q. How many are they?
A. Five hundred and twelve.
Q. How many does the People’s House represent?
A. Thirty-four millions.
Q. Are the members of the House of Lords all English.
A. No; the Scotch Peers created before 1707 elect sixteen of their
number to sit in each Parliament, and the Irish Peers created before
1801 elect twenty-eight of their number to sit for life.
Q. How many Peers are Conservatives, and how many are Liberals?
A. There are 285 Conservatives and 218 Liberals, the remaining few
being uncertain.
Q. Do they vote on all questions in proportion to these numbers?
A. No; they generally show an overwhelming majority against Liberal
measures, especially in relation to the Landed Interest.
Q. Can they prevent the People’s House from passing any laws it may
deem necessary?
A. Yes.
Q. Have they often done so?
A. Yes, always, until they were beaten.
Q. Are not the Bishops more friendly to measures passed by the
People’s House for the good of the nation?
A. No; they have always opposed such measures even more obstinately
than the Temporal Peers.
Q. How many clergymen are appointed to their livings by Peers?
A. Nearly five thousand.
Q. Are the Peers rich or poor?
A. Rich.
Q. What does their wealth spring from?
A. The land.
Q. Do they cultivate it?
A. No, they own it, and the cultivators pay them rent.
Q. How much land do they own?
A. 16,411,986 acres.
Q. How much land is there in Great Britain and Ireland?
A. 72,119,961 acres, exclusive of waste lands and commons.
Q. What is the yearly income of the richest Peer?
A. Four hundred thousand pounds.
Q. How much is that per day?
A. Ten hundred and ninety-five pounds.
Q. What is the highest daily wage of a farm labourer?
A. Half-a-crown.
Q. How much public money do the Peers draw from offices and
pensions?
A. £598,056.
Q. Have the Peers any other power or influence than that already
mentioned?
A. Yes, they have nearly three hundred relations, by birth or
marriage, in the House of Commons.
Q. Have the Peers any other privileges?
A. Yes, the clergy pray for them every Sunday that they may be
endued with grace, wisdom, and understanding.
Q. Is the prayer answered?
A. No.
Q. What are the duties of a Peer?
A. To spend his money, and to sit in the House of Lords when he
feels disposed.
Q. Is he often so disposed?
A. No; the average attendance of Peers in the House of Lords is
about twenty.
Q. Have the Peers no other duties?
A. Yes, they have to provide the chief officers of the Royal
Household, as only Peers and Peeresses can perform such exalted
functions.
Q. Do they fill those offices gratuitously?
A. No, they are handsomely paid, some of them receiving as much as
£2,000 a year.
Q. Have they any other duty?
A. No, that is the whole duty of a Peer.
Issued by _The People’s League for the Abolition of the Hereditary
Chamber_.
――――
THE DRUNKARD’S CATECHISM.
_Question._――What is your name?
_Answer._――Drunken Sot.
Q.――Who gave you that name?
A.――As drink is my idol, landlords and their wives get all my money;
they gave me that name in my drunken sprees wherein I was made a
member of strife, a child of want, and an inheritor of a bundle of
rags.
Q.――What did your landlords and landladies promise for you.
A.――They did promise and vow three things in my name, first, that I
should renounce the comfort of my own fireside; secondly, starve my
wive and hunger my children; thirdly, walk in rags and tatters, with
my shoe soles going flip flap all the days of my life.
Q.――Rehearse the articles of thy belief.
A.――I believe in the existence of one Mr. Alcohol, the great head
and chief of all manner of vice, the source of nine-tenths of all
diseases! and I not only believe, but am sure that when my money is
gone and spent, the landlord will stop the tap and turn me out.
Q.――How many commandments have ye sots to keep?
A.――Ten.
Q.――Which be they?
A.――The same which the landlord and landlady spake in the bar,
saying, We are thy master and thy mistress who brought thee out of
the paths of virtue, placed thee in the ways of vice, and set thy
feet on the road which leadeth to New South Wales.
I.――Thou shalt use no other house but mine.
II.――Thou shalt not make to thyself any substitute for intoxicating
drinks, such as tea, coffee, ginger-pop and lemonade; for I am a
jealous man, wearing the coat that should be on thy back, eating thy
children’s bread, and pocketing the money which should make thee and
thy wife happy all the days of thy life.
III.――Thou shalt not use my house in vain.
IV.――Remember that thou eat but one meal on the Sabbath day. Six
days shalt thou drink and spend all thy money, but the seventh day
is the Sabbath, wherein I wash my floor, mend my fires and make
ready for the company the remaining part of the day.
V.――Thou shalt honor the landlords, the landladies and the
gin-shops, with thy presence that thy days may be few and miserable,
in the land wherein thou livest.
VI.――Thou shalt commit murder, by starving, hungering and beating
thy wife and family.
VII.――Thou shalt commit self-destruction.
VIII.――Thou shalt sell thy wife’s and children’s bread and rob
thyself of all thy comforts.
IX.――Thou shalt bear false witness when thou speakest of the
horrors, saying, Thou art in good health when labouring under the
barrel fever.
X.――Thou shalt covet all thy neighbour is possessed of; thou shalt
covet his house, his land, his purse, his health, his wealth, and
all that he has got, that thou mayest indulge in drunkenness, help
the brewer to buy a new coach, a pair of fine horses, a new dray,
and a fine building, that he may live in idleness all his days;
likewise to enable the landlord to purchase a new sign to place over
his door, with “Licensed to be drunk on the Premises” written
thereon.
The foregoing are only a few of the many imitations of the Catechism,
others are either too long to quote, or not sufficiently interesting.
There was one published during the Regency, entitled “_A Political
Catechism_, dedicated (without permission) to His most Serene Highness
_Omar Bashaw_, Bey and Governor of the Warlike City and Kingdom of
Algiers; the Earl of Liverpool, Lord Castlereagh, and Co.” _Coventry_:
J. Turner. Price Twopence. It was also published in London, by R.
Carlile, 1817.
This was written to urge the people to petition the Prince Regent for
Parliamentary, and Constitutional Reform.
Another, which was published about three years ago, was styled “_The
Conservative Catechism_, or, the Principles of Organised Hypocrisy
Explained.” This was issued, at the low price of one penny, by Abel
Heywood & Son, Manchester, and had a large sale among the Radical
voters at the time of the last Election.
――――:o:――――
The following parody occurred in a sermon preached at St. Paul’s Cross
during the reign of James I., by Dr. John Boys, Dean of Canterbury:――
“Our Pope, which art in Rome, cursed be thy name; perish may
thy kingdom; hindered may thy will be, as it is in heaven,
so in earth. Give us this day our cup in the Lord’s Supper;
and remit our moneys which we have given for thy
indulgencies, as we send them back unto thee; and lead us
not into heresy; but free us from misery; for thine is the
infernal pitch and sulphur, for ever and ever. Amen.”
This was printed in Jefferson’s _Entertaining Literary Curiosities_,
1808, and was also referred to by Hone in his trials.
A long article appeared in _Notes and Queries_, August 8, 1885,
devoted to the history of the Lord’s Prayer, with variations,
paraphrases, imitations, and translations. It gave two curious
versions of the Prayer in very early English.
――――
“Monsieur Grévy, qui êtes à l’Elysée, demeurez et faites que nous
demeurions toujours dans les sentiments républicains. Touchez vos
loyers en paix. Distribuez de bonnes places à vos serviteurs. Rendez
des portefeuilles à ceux qui n’en ont plus, continuez a faire grâce
aux condamnés comme ils vous feraient grâce eux mêmes, et
délivrez-nous des petits papiers. Au nom du beau-père, du gendre, et
de Boulanger. Amen!”
――――:o:――――
THE WIFE’S COMMANDMENTS.
I. Thou shalt have none other wife but me.
II. Thou shalt not take into thy house any beautiful brazen image
to bow down to her, nor serve her, for I thy wife am a jealous
wife, visiting the sins of the husband unto thee, etc.
III. Thou shalt not take the name of thy wife in vain.
IV. Remember to keep her respectably.
V. Honour thy wife’s Father and Mother.
VI. Thou shalt not scold.
VII. Thou shalt not find fault with thy dinners.
VIII. Thou shalt rock the cradle during my absence, and shalt
prepare the tea for my return.
IX. Thou shalt not be behind thy neighbours.
X. Thou shalt not visit the whisky tavern, thou shalt not covet
the tavern keeper’s Rum, nor his Brandy, nor his Gin, nor his
Whisky, nor his Wine, nor anything that is behind the bar, nor
in front of the bar of the tavern keeper.
――――
THE HUSBAND’S COMMANDMENTS.
I. Thou shalt have no other Husband but me.
II. Thou shalt not take unto thyself any man wherewith to call him
Husband, to bow down to him, nor to worship him, for I am a
jealous Husband, visiting, etc.
III. Thou shalt not take any other name but that of thine Husband.
IV. Remember to keep him respectably.
V. Honour thy Husband’s lawful commands.
VI. Thou shalt not scold.
VII. Thou shalt not be too fond of fine clothes, but be saving in
all things.
VIII. Thou shalt not gossip with thy Neighbours, but do thy work.
IX. Thou shalt not tell thy Neighbours of any of thine Husband’s
faults.
X. Thou shalt not frequent Theatres, or Music Halls, or Concert
Rooms, or any other place of that kind without thine Husband.
――――
LES X. COMMANDEMENTS DES BAIGNEURS.
De nombreux accidents arrivant chaque année il ne nous paraît pas
inutile de rappeller à nos chers lecteurs les dix commandements du
grand hygiéniste hongrois, Kruger.
I. Après les émotions vives, ne te baigne pas.
II. Après un malaise subit, ne te baigne pas.
III. Après une nuit d’insomnie, après un excès de fatigue, ne te
baigne pas.
IV. Après un repas copieux, après de chaudes libations, ne te baigne
pas.
V. Lorsque tu te rends au bain, ne cours pas.
VI. Ne te baigne pas dans une eau dont tu ne connais pas la
profondeur.
VII. Déshabille-toi lentement, mais, aussitôt déshabillé, entre dans
l’eau.
VIII. Jette-toi dans l’eau la tête la première; si tu ne sais pas
plonger, immerge-toi un instant.
IX. Ne reste pas longtemps dans l’eau, à moins que tu ne sois d’un
tempérament très fort.
X. Après le bain frictionne-toi, habille-toi promptement, et marche.
――――
THE X COMMANDMENTS OF THE CANTING CREW.
Perhaps the most whimsical laws that were ever prescribed to a gang of
thieves were those framed by William Holliday, one of the prigging
community, who was hanged in 1695:――
I. That none of his company should presume to wear shirts, upon pain
of being cashiered.
II. That none should lie in any other places than stables, empty
houses, or other bulks.
III. That they should eat nothing but what they begged, and that they
should give away all the money they got by cleaning boots among one
another, for the good of the fraternity.
IV. That they should neither learn to read nor write, that he may have
them the better under command.
V. That they should appear every morning by nine on the parade, to
receive necessary orders.
VI. That none should presume to follow the scent but such as he
ordered on that party.
VII. That if any one gave them shoes or stockings, he should convert
them into money to play.
VIII. That they should steal nothing they could not come at, for fear
of bringing a scandal upon the company.
IX. That they should not endeavour to clear themselves of vermin, by
killing or catching them.
X. That they should cant better than the Newgate birds, pick pockets
without bungling, outlie a Quaker, outswear a lord at a gaming-table,
and brazen out all their villanies beyond an Irishman.
These rules have their counterpart amongst French thieves, whose
“Commandements” will be found in Professor Barrère’s _Argot and
Slang_.
――――
TEN COMMANDMENTS TO BE OBSERVED BY ALL THE
PEOPLE OF GREAT BRITAIN.
_After the Passing of the Allopathic Trades Union
Medical Bill, of 1877_,
1st. I am thy Family Doctor, duly appointed by the state. I brought
thee into this world of sorrow, and so long as thou livest, to thee,
in matters medical, it must be a land of bondage.
2nd. Thou shalt have none other Doctor but me.
3rd. Thou shalt not make for thyself any medicine; nor gather any
herbs that grow upon the earth, nor in the waters about the earth;
thou shalt not use anything, however simple, in treating disease: for
I, thy Doctor, am a very jealous man, and for any infraction of this,
thy duty, I will visit thy transgression with pains and penalties;
yea, I will incarcerate thee into a prison, and so punish for thy
doings, those dependent upon thee. And if thou wilt blindly follow my
advice, and pay obedience to me, I will promise thee, when ill, that I
will bleed, blister, and salivate thee at my pleasure; and so reward
thee with a ruined constitution, to drag out a miserable existence for
the remainder of thy days.
4th. Thou shalt not speak lightly of my name, for I am protected by
law; and the law will not hold him guiltless that interferes in any
way with me.
5th. Remember that thou prayest for my welfare when attending thy
church on the sabbath day. Six days shalt thou labour to prostrate thy
body and work for my fees; but the seventh day is the sabbath, and on
that day thou must do nothing towards restoring or improving thy
health, or thy wife’s health, or thy children’s health, or above all,
thy neighbour’s health; nor must thou think about it, it is
something that does not concern thee, I claim that as my special
privilege――state protected. I am all powerful in these matters, and as
such must be respected.
6th. Honour thy Doctor more than anyone else, for I claim thee, body
and soul, whilst residing in England, the land of thy birth.
7th. Thou shalt not think for thyself.
8th. Thou art an Englishman, and the law hath handed thee over to my
tender keeping.
9th. Thou shalt never be a Doctor.
10th. Thou shalt not tell thy neighbour of any remedy that will do him
good, for I shall watch thy doings jealously. Thou shalt never covet
the position of a medical adviser. If thou seest thy neighbour
suffering, or his wife suffering, or any of his children suffering and
thou art in possession of any remedy that will do them good, thou
shalt not advise, nor use it; for I, thy Doctor, state protected, am
always watchful, to visit upon thee pains and penalties for any
infraction of these my commandments.
――――
LES COMMANDEMENTS DE LA PRESSE.
1. En te fondant tu verseras
Un très gros cautionnement.
2. Les droits du timbre tu pairas
Au fisc quotiediennement.
3. Jamais tu ne censureras
Les actes du gouvernement.
4. Les chambres tu respecteras,
Et les ministres mêmement.
5. De nul citoyen ne diras
Un mot sans son consentement
6. Compte-rendu ne publieras
Parallèle ni autrement.
7. En y manquant tu subiras
L’amende et l’emprissonnement.
8. Chaque amende te mangera
Le tiers du cautionnement.
9. Des droits d’électeur tu sera
Dépossédé par supplément.
10. Le tribunal te suspendra
Pour six mois provisoirement;
11. Et même il te supprimera,
S’il veut, définitivement.
12. Sauf ces réserves, tu pourras
Ecrire et parler librement.
These lines were published in Paris, in 1867, when a new and stringent
law considerably curtailed the liberty of the French press. The main
idea contained in this epigram is borrowed from Beaumarchais:――
“On me dit que, pendant ma retraite économique, il s’est
établi dans Madrid un système de liberté sur la vente des
productions, qui s’étend meme à celles de la presse; et que,
pourvu que je ne parle en mes écrits ni de l’autorité, ni du
culte, ni de la politique, ni de la morale, ni des gens en
place, ni des corps en crédit, ni de l’Opéra, ni des autres
spectacles, ni de personne qui tienne à quelque chose, je
puis tout imprimer librement, sous l’inspection de deux ou
trois censeurs.”
_Le Mariage de Figaro._ Acte. v. Sc. iii.
――――
BYRON’S POETICAL COMMANDMENTS.
If ever I should condescend to prose,
I’ll write poetical commandments, which
Shall supersede beyond all doubt all those
That went before; in these I shall enrich
My text with many things that no one knows,
And carry precept to the highest pitch:
I’ll call the work “Longinus o’er a Bottle,
Or, Every Poet his _own_ Aristotle.”
Thou shalt believe in Milton, Dryden, Pope;
Thou shalt not set up Wordsworth, Coleridge, Southey;
Because the first is crazed beyond all hope,
The second drunk, the third so quaint and mouthy;
With Crabbe it may be difficult to cope,
And Campbell’s Hippocrene is somewhat drouthy;
Thou shalt not steal from Samuel Rogers, nor
Commit――flirtation with the muse of Moore.
Thou shalt not covet Mr. Sotheby’s Muse,
His Pegasus, nor anything that’s his;
Thou shalt not bear false witness like “the Blues”――
(There’s one, at least, is very fond of this);
Thou shalt not write, in short, but what I choose;
This is true criticism, and you may kiss――――
Exactly as you please, or not, the rod;
But if you don’t, I’ll lay it on, by God!
DON JUAN. Canto I.
――――
Contemporary with Mr. William Hone was a printer and publisher, named
Richard Carlile, who, in 1817, had a shop at 183, Fleet Street,
London.
He dealt largely in similar publications to those sold by Hone, and
indeed reprinted the very parodies for publishing which Hone had been
tried and acquitted. Like Hone, too, he was prosecuted by the
Government of the day, and in October, 1819, was sentenced to three
years’ imprisonment and to pay fines of £1,000 and £500 respectively,
for publishing Paine’s “Age of Reason” and Palmer’s “Principles of
Nature.” As he would not, or could not, pay these heavy fines, he was
kept in prison until 1825.
Carlile republished _Wat Tyler_, a work which had been written by
Robert Southey, when an ardent young Republican, but which, when he
became Poet Laureate, and a pensioner of the Tory Government, he was
very anxious should be forgotten. Southey endeavoured to prohibit the
republication, but to no purpose, and over twenty-five thousand copies
of the work were sold. Carlile also edited _The Republican_, _The
Lion_, _The Gauntlet_, _The Christian Warrior_, and other
publications. He was born at Ashburton in 1790, and died in 1843; his
body, after having been dissected at St. Thomas’s Hospital at his own
request, was buried in Kensal Green Cemetery.
Even those who agreed with Carlile’s very advanced theories were
compelled to admit that he was a most eccentric individual, and his
publications are decidedly inferior in literary merit to those issued
by Hone. One of these was entitled _The Bullet Te Deum with the
Canticle of the Stone_, 1817, a political parody of “Te Deum
Laudamus.” He published another two-penny political pamphlet (ascribed
to Professor Porson), called “_A New Catechism for the use of the
Swinish Multitude_. Necessary to be had in all Sties.” This was
written partly in answer to Burke’s celebrated essay on the Sublime
and the Beautiful. But of all Carlile’s political parodies probably
the following was the best. It was entitled――
THE ORDER FOR THE
_Administration of the Loaves and Fishes_; or,
The Communion of Corruption’s Host;
_Diligently corrected and revised_.
Commanded to be read at the Treasury the day preceding
all Cabinet Dinners.
THE ORDER, &c. &c.
¶ So many as intend to be partakers of the LOAVES and FISHES, shall
signify their names to the Chief Minister, at least some days before
the meeting of Parliament.
¶ And if any one of these be an open hearted and upright character, or
have not done any wrong to the people, by word or deed, so that he be
not like unto the HOST OF CORRUPTION; the Minister having knowledge
thereof, shall call him, and advertise him, that in anywise he presume
not to be a partaker of the LOAVES and FISHES, until he hath openly
declared himself to have truly repented and amended his former naughty
life, that CORRUPTION’S HOST may thereby be satisfied, which before
were offended; and that he hath recompensed the parties, by declaring
himself to be in readiness so to do, as soon as he conveniently may.
¶ The same order shall the Minister use with those betwixt whom he
perceiveth malice and hatred to reign; not suffering them to be
partakers of the LOAVES and FISHES, until he know them to be
reconciled. And if one of the parties so at variance be content to
forgive, from the bottom of his heart, all that the other hath
trespassed against him, and to make amends for that he himself hath
offended; and the other party will not be persuaded to a Ministerial
unity, but remain still in frowardness and the OPPOSITION: The
Minister, in that case, ought to admit the penitent person to a share
of the plunder, and not him that is obstinate. Provided that every
Minister so repelling any, as is specified in this or the next
paragraph of this Rubrick, shall be obliged to give an account of the
same to the CABINET, within fourteen days after, at the farthest. And
the CABINET shall prevent the offending person from receiving either
SINECURE, PENSION, or PLACE OF PROFIT.
¶ The Table at the Cabinet dinner having a fair white damask cloth
upon it, shall be covered with every luxury the earth produceth, and
all Members to be there invited that shall accede to the foregoing
rules, at least seven days before the opening of Parliament, there to
hear repeated the Regent’s Speech, and Address thereon, and to
rehearse the debates that shall be made on the said Speech and
Address, also to be well acquainted with the amendment that shall be
proposed by CORRUPTION’S BEST ALLIES, the WHIGS. Dinner being over,
the Minister at the head of the table shall first repeat the Regent’s
speech as followeth:――
We lament that our Father[347] is still secluded, hallowed be thy
name, Our kingdom come, our will be done in France and Ireland, as it
is in Great Britain. Give us this year, our women and wine, and
forgive us our debts, that we may be enabled to satisfy those to whom
we are indebted. And lead us not into danger, but deliver us from the
disaffected. Amen.
THE ADDRESS.
High and mighty Prince, unto whom our hearts are open, our desires
known, and from whom our secrets are not hid, gratify the thoughts of
our hearts by the inspiration of thy goodly Places and Pensions, that
we may perfectly love thee, and worthily magnify thy name; through the
mediation of Castlereagh our Chief. Amen.
¶ Then shall the Minister, turning to the HOST, rehearse distinctly,
all the TEN COMMANDMENTS; and the HOST, sitting open-mouthed, shall,
after every Commandment, ask the Prince mercy for their transgressions
thereof for the time past, and a Pension to keep the same for the time
to come, as followeth:
_Minister._ The Prince spake these words, and said; I am the Prince
thy Ruler: thou shall seek no other Prince but me.
_Host._ O Ministers, place a Pension upon us, that will incline our
hearts to keep this law.
_Minister._ Thou shalt not make to thyself any graven image of
Bonaparte, nor a caricature likeness of any thing belonging to the
Court or its Minions. Thou shalt not express pleasure at seeing them
in the houses of others; for I the Prince thy Ruler am a jealous
Prince, and intend to protract the wretchedness of the Fathers upon
the Children, unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate
me, and to extend sinecure-offices and pensions unto thousands in them
that love me, and keep my commandments.
_Host._ O Ministers, be lavish upon us, and incline our hearts to keep
this law.
_Minister._ Thou shalt not expose the name or character of the Prince
thy Ruler to contempt, for the Prince will not hold him guiltless,
that speaketh disrespectfully of him.
_Host._ O Ministers procure us a title, to incline our hearts to keep
this law.
_Minister._ Remember that thou attend the division; at all other times
thou mayst be absent, and do that thou hast to do, but to be in the
division is thy duty to the Prince. In it thou shalt do as the
Minister doth, for his majority compensates for his want of ability,
and enableth him to create, or destroy; to suspend the laws, or enact
new ones; to keep a large Army to stifle the cries of the hungry, to
use the bayonet, instead of granting Reform; wherefore the Minister
blesseth the majority and sanctifieth it.
_Host._ O Ministers withhold not our Pensions, but incline our hearts
to keep this law.
_Minister._ Honour the Regent and Lord Castlereagh, that thy seat may
be long in the Parliament, which the Boroughmonger hath sold to thee.
_Host._ O Ministers bestow your gifts upon us, and incline our hearts
to keep this law.
_Minister._ Thou shalt not say that a PRINCE, or a DUKE hath committed
MURDER.
_Host._ O ye PRINCES and DUKES be gracious unto us, and incline our
hearts to set aside the law.
_Minister._ Thou shalt not say the PRINCE committeth adultery.
_Host._ O Prince be gracious unto us, and incline our hearts to
pervert the law.
_Minister._ Thou shalt not hesitate to procure false witnesses against
those whom we fear.
_Host._ O Ministers be mindful of us, and incline our hearts to keep
this law.
_Minister._ Thou shalt not covet the company of Reformers, nor be
found with them, nor consent to any of their ways, nor be with their
wives or servants, or any thing that is theirs.
_Host._ O Minister by the continuance of our Places, our Pensions, and
our Sinecures, write all these thy laws in our hearts we beseech thee.
¶ _Then shall follow the Collect for the Ministry belonging to the
House of Lords._
_Let us Pray._ Mighty Prince whose kingdom may not be lasting; whose
power is finite; Have mercy upon the whole Host; and be so ruled by
thy chosen servants, Liverpool, Sidmouth, Eldon, and their associates,
that they (knowing whose Ministers they are) may above all things
aggrandize themselves and dependents; and that we (duly considering
under whose authority we are) may faithfully serve, honour, and humbly
obey them, in view of, and hoping for farther benefits, according to
thy word and ordinance; through Castlereagh our Chief. Amen.
¶ _A Collect for those of the Ministry of the House of Commons._
Mighty and lasting Prince, we are taught by thy conduct that the
hearts of Princes are at the disposal of their Ministers, and that
thou dost dispose and turn thine as it seemeth best to their goodly
wisdom: We humbly beseech thee so to continue thy condescension to
Castlereagh, Vansittart, and their associates, that in all their
thoughts, words and actions, they may ever seek their own honour and
glory, and study to preserve us committed to their charge, in wealth,
peace and goodliness: through Castlereagh our Chief. Amen.
_The Creed for the use of Corruption’s Host._
I believe in Lord Castlereagh, the supreme director of all our
affairs, maker of treaties for all nations, for the benefit of none;
and in the excellence of his features, fundamental and unfundamental.
And in one George Canning, of doubtful origin, the tool and puppet of
Lord Castlereagh, who, together with Lord Castlereagh, falling out
about their share of the public plunder, went into a certain field to
fight with swords and pistols, unfortunately without any intent to
kill, who came out again without injury, to the great grief of all the
People; who went on an embassy to the Court of Portugal, where there
was no King, for the sole purpose of recovering the health of his son,
at the expence of many thousands of pounds to the People: he rose
again to the Cabinet, from whence he judgeth the Reformers; and his
impudence shall have no end.
And I believe in the Prince Regent, Lord and Giver of Places, who,
together with the Ministers, we should worship and glorify, who
speaketh by Proclamations, Commissioners, and Green Bags; I believe in
the stability of the funds, I look not for a remission of taxes, no,
not till the Resurrection of the Dead. And I look not for a better
Government in the world to come. Amen.
_Here endeth the_ ORDER _for the_ ADMINISTRATION _of the_
LOAVES _and_ FISHES.
(London: R. Carlile, 1817.)
――――:o:――――
_The Chronicles of the Kings of England_: Written in the manner of the
Ancient Jewish Historians. By Nathan Ben Saddi, a Priest of the Jews.
London: Printed for _T. Cooper_ at the _Globe_ in Pater-noster Row.
1741.
This is in two books, and concludes with the reign of George II:
“And _George_ was forty and four years old when he began to
reign, and behold the Sceptre continueth in his Hand, the
Crown also is on his Head; and he sitteth on the Throne of
his Majesty unto this Day.
And now behold these are the Names of the Kings of
_England_, and these are their generations.
_George_ the Second, who was the son of _George_ the First,
who was the cousin of _Anne_, who was the sister-in-law of
_William_ the Third, who was the son-in-law of _James_ the
Second, who was the brother of _Charles_ the Second, who was
the son of _Charles_ the First, who was the son of _James_
the First, who was the cousin of _Elizabeth_, who was the
sister of _Mary_, who was the sister of _Edward_ the Sixth,
who was the son of _Henry_ the Eighth, who was the son of
_Henry_ the Seventh, who was the cousin of _Richard_ the
Third, who was the uncle of _Edward_ the Fifth, who was the
son of _Edward_ the Fourth, who was the cousin of _Henry_
the Sixth, who was the son of _Henry_ the Fifth, who was the
son of _Henry_ the Fourth, who was the cousin of _Richard_
the Second, who was the grandson of _Edward_ the Second, who
was the son of _Edward_ the First, who was the son of
_Henry_ the Third, who was the son of _John_, who was the
brother of _Richard_ the First, who was the son of _Henry_
the Second, who was the cousin of _Stephen_, who was the
cousin of _Henry_ the First, who was the brother of _William
Rufus_, who was the son of _William_ the Conqueror, who was
the son of a w――――.”
_The Chronicle of the Kings of England_, from William the Norman to
the Death of George III. Written after the manner of the Jewish
Historians: with Notes explanatory and illustrative. London: J.
Fairburn, 1821.
This is an amplified re-issue of the preceding work, with notes, and
repeating the genealogical table so as to include the name of George
III. This edition of _The Chronicles of the Kings_ should have a large
folding perspective chronology of the Reign of George the Third, which
is frequently wanting.
The following is an extract from this work, describing the reigns of
Elizabeth and James:
“Now Elizabeth was twenty and five years old when she began
to reign, and she reigned over England forty and four years,
four months, and seven days, and her mother’s name was Anna
Bullen. And she choose unto herself wise and able ministers,
and governed her kingdom with power and great glory.
“The sea also was subject unto her, and she reigned on the
ocean with a mighty hand.
“Her admirals compassed the world about, and brought her
home treasures from the uttermost parts of the earth.
“The glory of England she advanced to its height, and all
the princes of the earth sought her love; her love was fixed
on the happiness of her people, and would not be divided.
The era of learning was also in her reign, and the genius of
wit shone bright in the land. Spencer and Shakespeare,
Verulam and Sidney, Raleigh and Drake adorned the court, and
made her reign immortal. And woe unto you Spaniards, woe
unto you, you haughty usurpers of the American seas for at
the light’ning of her eyes ye were destroyed, and at the
breath of her mouth ye were scattered abroad; she came unto
your armada as a whirlwind, and as a tempest of thunder she
overwhelmed you in the sea.
“Wisdom and strength were in her right hand, and in her left
were glory and wealth.
“She spake, and it was war; she waved her hand, and the
nations dwelt in peace.
“Her Ministers were just, and her counsellers were sage; her
captains were bold, and her maids of honour ate beefsteaks
for their breakfast.
“And Elizabeth slept with her fathers, and she was a virgin.
She was buried in the chapel of King Henry VII., and James
of Scotland reigned in her stead.
“And Jamie thought himself a bonny King, and a mickle wise
mon, howbeit, he was a fool and a pedant.
“But the spirit of flattery went forth in the land, and the
great men and the bishops offered incense unto him, saying,
O most sacred King! thou art wiser than the children of men;
thou speakest by the spirit of God; there has been none
equal to thee before thee; neither will any rise after thee
like unto thee.
“Thus they abused him daily with lying and fulsome
adulation; and the ear of James was tickled therewith, and
he was puffed up and thought himself wise; whereupon he
began to dispute with the doctors, and to decide
controversies, and to write books, and the world was
undeceived.”
――――:o:――――
AN ELECTION PLACARD.
_In favour of Charles James Fox, Westminster, 1784._
The first Chapter of the Times.
1. And it came to pass that there were great dissension s in the West,
amongst the rulers of the Nation.
2. And the counsellor s of the back stairs said, Let us take advantage
and yoke the people even as oxen, and rule them with a rod of iron.
3. And let us break up the Assembly of Privileges, and get a new one
of Prerogativ es; and let us hire false prophets to deceive the
people. And they did so.
4. Then Judas Iscariot went among the citizens, saying, “Choose me one
of your Elders, and I will tax your innocent damsels, and I will take
the bread from the helpless, lame and blind.
5. “And with the scrip which will arise, we will eat, drink, and be
merry.”
Then he brought forth the roll of sheepskin, and came unto the
ginshops, cellars, and bye places, and said, “Sign your names,” and
many made their marks.
6. Now it came to pass, that the time being come when the people
choose their elders, that they assembled together at the hustings,
nigh unto the Place of Cabbages.[348]
7. And Judas[349] lifted up his prerogativ e phiz, and said “Choose
me, choose me.” But the people said, “Satan, avaunt! thou wicked
Judas! hast thou not _deceived_ thy best friend? Would’st thou
_deceive_ us also? Get thee behind us, thou unclean Spirit!”
8. We will have the man who ever has and will support our cause, and
maintain our rights, who stands forth to us, and who will never be
guided by _Secret Influence_!
9. And the people shouted, and cried with an exceeding loud voice,
saying “Fox is the man!”
10. Then they caused the trumpets to be sounded, as at the feast of
the full moon, and sang, “Long live Fox, may our champion live for
ever! Amen!”
――――
_In Blackwood’s Edinburgh Magazine_ for October, 1817, there appeared
an article entitled “Translation of an ancient Chaldee Manuscript,” it
commenced on page 89, and ended at the foot of page 96. It was written
in Biblical phraseology and was divided into four chapters, each of
which was subdivided into verses. The parody was made on a certain
chapter of Ezekiel, and was introduced by a preface, stating that it
was a translation of a Chaldee manuscript preserved in a great library
at Paris.
Professor Ferrier, in a Notice appended to Christopher North’s _Nodes
Ambrosianae_, says “this trenchant satire on men and things in the
metropolis of Scotland, excited the most indescribable commotion at
the time――so much noise, indeed, that never since has it been
permitted to make any noise whatever, having been pitilessly
suppressed in consequence of threatened legal proceedings.” But some
prosecutions were nevertheless commenced, and one was referred to the
private decision of a Scotch judge, who, it is said, convicted the
Publisher, and fined him two hundred and thirty pounds, for a foul and
indecent libel.
The November number, 1817, of _Blackwood’s Magazine_ contained the
following:――
_Note from the Editor._
“The Editor has learned with regret, that an article in the
First Edition of last Number, which was intended merely as a
_jeu d’esprit_, has been construed so as to give offence to
individuals justly entitled to respect and regard; he has on
that account withdrawn it in the Second Edition, and can
only add, that if what has happened could have been
anticipated, the article in question certainly never would
have appeared.
With the December Number will be given eight pages, to
supply the deficiency occasioned by the omission of the
article, _Translation from an Ancient Chaldee Manuscript_.”
It has been recently ascertained that the original conception of this
Chaldee M.S. was due to James Hogg, who wrote part of it, the
remainder of the production being the work of Christopher North, and
Lockhart.
A set of the magazine containing this parody is now rarely to be met
with.
Professor Ferrier considers that people of the present day would be
greatly amused by what he calls this delicious _jeu d’esprit_. Perhaps
a few Scotchmen intimately acquainted with the Edinburgh literature
and society of seventy years ago might be, but to the majority of
readers the _Chaldee Manuscript_ would appear dull, tedious, and
uninteresting, otherwise it would have been inserted in this chapter.
――――
In the works of Father Prout (Rev. Francis Mahony) the following
passage occurs with reference to the Comte de Buffon:――“Having
predetermined not to leave Moses a leg to stand on, he sweeps away at
one stroke of his pen the foundations of Genesis, and reconstructs
this terraqueous planet on a new patent principle. I have been at some
pains to acquire a comprehensive notion of his system, and aided by an
old Jesuit, I have succeeded in condensing the voluminous dissertation
into, a few lines, for the use of those who are dissatisfied with the
Mosaic statement, particularly the professors at the school in Gower
Street:――”
1. In the beginning was the sun, from which a splinter was shot off by
chance, and that fragment was our globe.
2. And the globe had for its nucleus melted glass, with an envelope of
hot water.
3. And it begun to twirl round, and became somewhat flattened at the
poles.
4. Now, when the water grew cool, insects began to appear, and
shell-fish.
5. And from the accumulation of shells, particularly oysters (tom. i.
4to. edit. p. 14), the earth was gradually formed, with ridges of
mountains, on the principle of the Monte Testacio at the gate of Rome.
6. But the melted glass kept warm for a long time, and the arctic
climate was as hot in those days as the tropics now are: witness a
frozen rhinoceros found in Siberia, &c. &c. &c.
――――:o:――――
THE BIBLE OF THE FUTURE.
The following specimen of what is to be the Bible of the future is
published by an American paper:――
GENESIS.――Chapter 1.
1. Primarily the Unknowable moved upon cosmos, and evolved protoplasm.
2. And protoplasm was inorganic and undifferentiated, containing all
things in potential energy; and a spirit of evolution moved upon the
fluid mass.
3. And the Unknowable said, Let atoms attract; and their contact begat
light, heat, and electricity.
4. And the Unconditioned differentiated the atoms, each after its
kind; and their combinations begat rock, air, and water.
5. And there went out a spirit of evolution from the Unconditioned,
and working in protoplasm, by accretion and absorption, produced the
organic cell.
6. And cell by nutrition evolved primordial germ, and germ developed
protogene, and protegene begat eozoon, and eozoon begat monad, and
monad begat animalcule.
7. And animalcule begat ephemera; then began creeping things to
multiply on the face of the earth.
8. And earthy atom in vegetable protoplasm begat the molecule, and
thence came all grass, and every herb in the earth.
9. And animacule in the water evolved fins, tails, claws, and scales;
and in the air wings and beaks; and on the land they sprouted such
organs as were necessary as played upon by the environment.
10. And by accretion and absorption came the radiata and mollusca; and
mollusca begat articulata, and articulata begat vertebrata.
11. Now these are the generations of the higher vertebrata, in the
cosmic period that the Unknowable evoluted the bipedal mammalia.
12. And every man of the earth, while he was yet a monkey, and the
horse while he was an hipparian, and the hipparian before he was an
oredon.
13. Out of the ascidian came the amphibian, and begat the
pentadactyle; and the pentadactyle, by inheritance and selection,
produced the hylobate, from which are the simiadæ in all their tribes.
14. And out of the simiadæ the lemur prevailed above his fellows, and
produced the platyrhine monkey.
15. And the platyrhine begat the catarrhine, and the catarrhine monkey
begat the anthropoid ape, and the ape begat the longimanous orang, and
the orang begat the chimpanzee, and the chimpanzee evoluted the
what-is-it.
16. And the what-is-it went into the land of Nod, and took him a wife
of the longimanus gibbons.
17. And in process of the cosmic period were born unto them and their
children the anthropomorphic primordial types.
18. The homunculus, the prognathus, the troglodyte, the autochthon,
the terragene――these are the generations of primeval man.
19. And primeval man was naked and not ashamed, but lived in
quadrumanous innocence, and struggled mightily to harmonise with the
environment.
20. And by inheritance and natural selection did he progress from the
stable and homogeneous to the complex and heterogeneous――for the
weakest died, and the strongest grew and multiplied.
21. And man grew a thumb for that he had need of it, and developed
capacities for prey.
22. For, behold, the swiftest men caught the most animals, and the
swiftest animals got away from the most men: wherefore the slow
animals were eaten and the slow men starved to death.
23. And as types were differentiated the weaker types continually
disappeared.
24. And the earth was filled with violence; for man strove with man,
and tribe with tribe, whereby they killed off the weak and foolish,
and secured the survival of the fittest.
From _The Church Times_, February 1875.
Two other poems on the scientific theory of evolution remain to be
quoted, although neither can strictly be termed a parody. The first,
written by Charles Neaves (afterwards Lord Neaves) appeared originally
in _Blackwood’s Magazine_, it was afterwards reprinted in “_Songs and
Verses_, by an old contributor to _Maga_.” Edinburgh. W. Blackwood &
Sons.
THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES.
Have you heard of this question the Doctors among,
Whether all living things from a Monad have sprung?
This has lately been said, and it now shall be sung,
_Which nobody can deny._
Not one or two ages sufficed for the feat,
It required a few millions the change to complete,
But now the thing’s done, why it looks rather neat,
_Which nobody can deny._
The original Monad, our great-great-grandsire,
To little or nothing at first did aspire;
But at last to have offspring it took a desire,
_Which nobody can deny._
This Monad becoming a father or mother,
By budding, or bursting produced such another;
And shortly there followed a sister or brother,
_Which nobody can deny._
Excrescences fast were now trying to shoot;
Some put out a finger, some put out a foot,
Some set up a mouth, and some sent down a root,
_Which nobody can deny._
Some, wishing to walk, manufactured a limb;
Some rigged out a fin, with a purpose to swim;
Some opened an eye, which remained dark and dim.
_Which nobody can deny._
Some creatures grew bulky, while others were small,
As nature sent food for the few, or for all;
And the weakest, we know, ever go to the wall,
_Which nobody can deny._
An Ape with a pliable thumb and big brain,
When the gift of the gab he had managed to gain,
As a Lord of Creation established his reign,
_Which nobody can deny._
* * * * *
The second, by the late Mr. Mortimer Collins, appeared in “_The
British Birds_, a communication from the Ghost of Aristophanes.”
London, 1872. A work which is now very scarce.
THE POSITIVISTS.
Life and the Universe show spontaneity:
Down with ridiculous notions of Deity!
Churches and creeds are all lost in the mists,
Truth must be sought with the Positivists.
Wise are their teachers beyond all comparison,
Comte, Huxley, Tyndall, Mill, Morley, and Harrison:
Who will adventure to enter the lists
With such a squadron of Positivists.
Social arrangements are awful miscarriages;
Cause of all crime is our system of marriages.
Poets with sonnets and lovers with trysts
Kindle the ire of the Positivists.
Husbands and wives should be all one community,
Exquisite freedom with absolute unity.
Wedding-rings worse are than manacled wrists――
Such is the creed of the Positivists.
There was an APE in the days that were earlier;
Centuries passed, and his hair became curlier;
Centuries more gave a thumb to his wrist――
Then he was MAN, and a Positivist.
If you are pious (mild form of insanity),
Bow down and worship the mass of Humanity.
Other religions are buried in mists――
We’re our own gods, say the Positivists.
――――
AN AMERICAN VIEW OF BICYCLING.
“And in these days the young man of the city is possessed of a demon,
and he taketh it upon him to learn to ride the bicycle. And he goeth
unto them that teach the instrument; and he sayeth unto them, Lo, now,
teach me this thing, at one half a trade shekel the hour. And they
make answer and say unto him, Behold now; here is the machine; and
here art thou. Get on it, therefore and ride; for all things are
possible to him that hath nerve.
And he taggeth after that machine for the next six weeks; yea, even
until both his knees are like unto works of decorative art for
colourful picturesqueness; and he frescoeth his entire person in black
and blue, and he smasheth the machine variously and expensively; and
in the fulness of time he learneth to mount and ride, and becometh an
alleged proficient in the art.
And then, being puffed up with vanity, and being made mad with an
injudicious ambition, he saith unto himself: Lo, now, I will try this
thing upon the road. And he getteth permission to pay the hire of a
machine, and to take the same up the avenue which is called fifth, to
the northward of the hill which is called the Hill of Nobs; because of
the exceedingly great number of nobs which dwell thereabouts.
And being mounted, he passeth out of the gates of the city, and
journeyeth towards the suburbs, being at times in the saddle, and at
other times for variety’s sake (which is, as was spoken by the
prophets, as a spice unto life), upon his head.
And it shall come to pass that he meeteth casual maidens, who shall
smile upon him, and make glad his heart within him. And, for that man
is foolish and mankind is indiscreet, he shall put on the frills of
vanity, and ride in the curves of conceit, and take no heed.
And in the end there shall come that way a school of young maidens,
who shall say each one unto the other: Behold him upon the bicycle;
and behold the young man upon two wheels. Is he not comely; and is he
not fair to see among the young men of Israel? And moreover shall it
come to pass that the young man shall be tempted of the evil one, and
shall undertake to turn on the outer edge, and to put his legs over
the handle, and shall generally be so previous and preliminary that
presently the young students of Bellevue Hospital shall cobble him
after their own will and fashion.
And when he shall have recovered as much as he ever shall, that young
man will give his bycycle unto his bitterest enemy, whom he hateth
with a hate unspeakable, saying: Let this be for a peace-offering from
me to thee; and let there be no more strife between us.
For is there not peace in the grave; and shall war be waged against
them that are utterly smashed up.”
_Puck._ United States. 1880.
――――
A PUBLICAN’S CARD.
The _Church of England Temperance Chronicle_ says:――A card has reached
us, bearing on one side the inscription――
HARRY HILL, Market Hall Vaults,
Shambles, Worcester.
On the reverse the following parody is printed:――
HARRY HILL’S
Instructions to his Disciples.
1. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for in my house they shall be
gladdened with the best of spirits.
2. Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted in my
house.
3. Blessed are the meek, for my beer and liquor shall embolden them.
4. Blessed are the weak and weary, for my drink shall strengthen
them.
5. Blessed are the mirthful and gay, for theirs is the kingdom of
Harry Hill’s.
6. Dost thou hunger? In my house shall thy belly be made glad.
7. Dost thou thirst? Enter into my vineyard.
8. I am the son of my father, and mine are the juices that shall
restore them.
9. Thou shalt not steal, for my shekels are my own.
10. Thou shalt honour me, for I am the Father of the Feast.
11. Thou shalt not be rude to my pretty girls, for Solomon in all
his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
12. Thou shalt not kiss them, if they say thee nay, for, red lips,
like red roses, are sweetest on the bush.
13. Thou shalt not embrace them against their will, for caresses,
like good wine, should not go to _waist_.
14. Thou shalt not bellow in my house like the bull of Bashan, but
rather whisper like the sucking dove.
15. Thou shalt not damage my household goods, for it shall cost thee
dear.
16. If thou art good, from my bar thou shalt not be debarred.
17. Thou shalt not attempt to pass counterfeit coin upon me, for
then will the owner of my counter “fit” thee.
18. My good cheer will not settle on thy stomach if thou dost not
settle with me.
――――
A PARODY BY MR. RUSKIN ON USURY.
The author of a book entitled “Usury and the English Bishops” (by R.
G. Sillar, with an introduction by Professor Ruskin. A. Southey, 146,
Fenchurch-street, London), dedicates it, “without permission,” to the
Bishops of Manchester, Peterborough, and Rochester. Mr. Ruskin, in an
introduction, endorses in the following language the opinions
expressed:――
I rejoice to see my old friend Mr. Sillar gathering finally together
the evidence he has so industriously collected on the guilt of Usury,
and supporting it by the always impressive language of symbolical art;
for indeed I had myself no idea, till I read the connected statement
which these pictures illustrate, how steadily the system of
money-lending had gained on the nation, and how fatally every hand and
foot was now entangled by it.
“I place,” says Mr. Ruskin, “side by side the ancient and modern
versions of the seven verses of the New Testament which were the
beginning, and are indeed the heads, of all the teachings of
Christ:――”
ANCIENT. MODERN.
Blessed are the poor in Blessed are the rich in
spirit, for theirs is the flesh, for theirs is the
kingdom of Heaven. kingdom of earth.
Blessed are they that Blessed are they that are
mourn, for they shall be merry and laugh the last.
comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for Blessed are the proud, in
they shall inherit the earth. that they _have_ inherited the earth.
Blessed are they which do Blessed are they which
hunger for righteousness, for hunger for unrighteousness,
they shall be filled. in that they shall divide its mammon.
Blessed are the merciful, Blessed are the merciless,
for they shall obtain mercy. for they shall obtain money.
Blessed are the poor in Blessed are the foul in
heart, for they shall see God. heart, for they shall see no God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, Blessed are the war makers,
for they shall be for they shall be adored by
called the children of God. the children of men.
The _Pall Mall Gazette_. March, 1885.
――――
The three following examples of Scripture knowledge are said to have
been written by Metropolitan School Board pupils in answer to
questions put to them by Government Inspectors. “Who was Moses?――He
was an Egypsian. He lived in a hark maid of bullrushers, and he kept a
golden carf and worshipt braizen snakes and het nothin but qwhales and
manner for forty years. He was kort up by the air of his ed while
ridin under a bow of a tree and lie was killed by his son Abslon as he
was hanging from the bow. His end was peace.”
“What do you know of the patriarch Abraham?――He was the father of Lot
and had tew wifes. Wun was called Hismale and tother Haygur. He kep
wun at home and he hurried the tother into the dessert where she
became a pillow of salt in the daytime and a pillow of fire at nite.”
“Write an account of the good Samaritan.――A certing man went down from
jerslam to jerriker and he feld among thawns and the thawns spranged
up and choaked him; wareupon he gave tuppins to the hoast and said
take care on him and put him on his hone hass. And he passt bye on the
hother side.”
――――
In addition to the parodies already quoted, Hone, in his defence, also
mentioned the following:――
_A Genuine Collection_ of the several Pieces of Political Intelligence
Extraordinary, Epigrams, &c., that have appeared before the Public in
Detached Pieces, now carefully selected together in one View by _An
Impartial Hand_. Printed for Thomas Butcher, Newgate Street, London,
1766. This curious and very scarce collection contains several
parodies, amongst them _A Political Litany_, of no great merit, and
_The Political Creed for 1766_, which was given on p. 299.
_Book of the Wars of Westminster_, from the fall of the Fox at the
close of 1783 to 1784, on which William the Conqueror celebrated the
Third Grand Lent Festival at the London. An Oriental Prophecy.
_Printed for Ishmael the son of Elishama._ 1783.
_The Chronicle of the Kingdom of the Cassiterides_, under the reign of
the House of Lunen. A Fragment translated from an Ancient Manuscript.
London: G. Wilkie, 1783.
This describes the tremendous siege of Gibraltar by the French and
Spaniards, and the political questions of the day, in Scriptural
phraseology.
_The Oriental Chronicles of the Times_: being the Translation of a
Chinese manuscript; with Notes supposed to have been originally
written in the spirit of Prophecy, by _Confucius_ the Sage. Dedicated
to her Grace the Duchess of Devonshire. London. J. Debrett,
Piccadilly.
This describes, in Biblical language, the triumph of Charles James
Fox, in the great contested Election at Westminster in 1784.
_The Plague of Westminster_, or an order for the visitation of a sick
Parliament, 1647――Harleian Miscellany.
_Père la Chaise_, Parody of the Catechism.
_Fair Circassian_, by the Rev. Mr. Croxal, a parody of the Canticles.
_British Freeholder’s Political Creed._
_Humorous Magazine._ Te Deum.
_The Oracle in 1807._ The Lord’s prayer parodied.
_Recruiting Bill._ “Royal Volunteers, now is the time to obtain honour
and glory. Wanted, immediately to serve Jehovah, who will reward them
according to their zeal and ability, a vast number of people of all
descriptions, who will on joining the Commanding Officer, receive new
clothes, proper accoutrements, and everything necessary for their
appearance at the New Jerusalem.”
――――
In _The Spirit of the Public Journals for 1809_ (Vol. XIII., London,
J. Ridgway), there is a scriptural imitation, styled _A Tale of other
Times_. This originally appeared in the “Morning Post.” It was an
endeavour to apologise for the conduct of the Duke of York, who had
been compelled, by public opinion, to resign the office of
Commander-in-Chief, owing to the exposure of a wholesale traffic in
army commissions, carried on by his mistress, Mrs. Clarke. The parody
represents the Duke as more of a fool than a knave; it has, however,
never yet been settled whether folly or knavery preponderated in his
disposition. These qualities appear to have been pretty equally
balanced, and this parody does not decide the question.
In Vol. 16 of the same collection, for 1812, there is an imitation,
called _Book of Chronicles_, it is political, and devoted to the abuse
of Charles James Fox, and his adherents.
_The Seven Chapters of the First Book of Things_; being a Concise and
Impartial account of the Birmingham Riots. By Levi Ben Mordecai. This
imitation of biblical phraseology occurs in a little work entitled
“_Poems_, by the late Mr. Stephen Chatterton, of Willenhall.” London,
printed for the Author’s Widow. 1795.
It relates entirely to the politics of the day, and commences with a
description of the capture of the Bastille, in Paris.
_The First Book of Napoleon_, the Tyrant of the Earth, written in 5813
A.M., and 1809 A.D., by Eliakim the Scribe. 1809.
_The Morning Herald_ (London), May 4, 1812, contained a scriptural
parody ridiculing Lord Grenville.
_Chronicles of Coxheath Camp._ A satire on General Keppel, who
commanded at Coxheath. By Francis Grose F.R.S. This is in scriptural
form, and appeared in _The Olio_, 1792. It was referred to by William
Hone, in his trials, but is not worth reprinting.
_The Chronicles of Westminster._ This scriptural imitation will be
found in the well-known quarto collection, _The History of the
Westminster Election_.
_The Court of Session Garland._ Edited by James Maidment Esq. London,
Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1888. This curious collection of Ballads,
Parodies and Epigrams, mostly written by members of the Scottish legal
profession, contains several pieces written in scriptural style. The
longest, entitled, _The Book of the Chronicles of the City_, relates
to a contested election in Edinburgh; another is _A Chapter from the
Book of Kings_, which was found in Mr. Hume’s Collection. Another
called _Book of Proclamations_ was written in 1837.
These imitations are long, and of little present interest, except
perhaps to a few old residents of Edinburgh.
_The Book of Benjamin._ Appointed to be read by the Electors of
England. London, Charles Watts, 1879. This consists of ten chapters,
describing in biblical language, the acts of Benjamin D’Israeli, from
a Liberal standpoint.
_The Second Book of Benjamin._ A record of things past, present, and
to come. London, Charles Watts, 1879. A continuation of the above.
_The Fall of Benjamin._ By Alfred Capel Shaw, author of the two
foregoing pamphlets. London, Watts and Co., 1880. This is the last of
the trio, and concludes thus:――
“And all the land knew that Benjamin had fallen, and that he was
driven forth into the wilderness. And, behold, Gladstone the Liberal
ruled in his stead.”
_The New Gospel of Peace according to St. Benjamin._――New York,
Sinclair Tousey. In two books. No date, but _since_ 1863. This is a
most remarkable account of the Great American Civil War, in scriptural
language, the names of persons and places being ingeniously spelt so
as to give them a Biblical appearance. It is arranged in chapters and
verses.
_The Awful and Ethical Allegory of Deuteronomy Smith_; or, the
Life-history of a Medical Student. Anonymous. Edinburgh, George
Dryden, 1882. This describes, in biblical style, the adventures of a
rather racketty young medical student in Edinburgh.
_The Secularists’ Manual of Songs and Ceremonies_, Edited by Austin
Holyoake. London, Austin & Co. About 1871. This contains a series of
services for Freethinkers, suitable for Weddings, Christenings (or
naming children) and for Funerals.
_The New Book of Kings_, by J. Morrison Davidson. Manchester. John
Heywood. This is not written, as its name would suggest, in imitation
of the Scriptures. It is an exceedingly outspoken history of the inner
life and misdeeds of the Kings and Queens of England.
_The Freethinker_, edited by G. W. Foote, and published weekly at
Stonecutter Street, London, contains many imitations of Biblical and
Liturgical matters, which are too profane to be quoted, such as the
following,
_Comic Bible Sketches_, reprinted from “The Freethinker,” edited by G.
W. Foote. London: Progressive Publishing Company, 28, Stonecutter
Street, 1885.
_Jonah’s Excursion to Nineveh._ By G. W. Foote, with illustrations by
Paul Bellevue. London: Progressive Publishing Company, 28, Stonecutter
Street. 1885. Price Twopence.
_La Bible Amusante_ pour les Grands et les Petits Enfants. Texte par
Léo Taxil, Dessins par Frid’rick. Paris. Librairie Anti-Cléricale, Rue
des Ecoles. This was published in weekly parts, at 50 centimes each.
The illustrations were very humorous, but exceedingly profane.
――――:o:――――
Jocularity in the pulpit has been often reproved as unseemly, yet it
is still largely indulged in by a certain class of ministers. _Punch
in the Pulpit_, by Philip Cater (London: W. Freeman, 1863), gives some
amusing examples of this curious kind of devotion.
On p. 108 a burlesque sermon founded on the Nursery Rhyme of _Old
Mother Hubbard_ was given, a similar production is sold by a printer
named Tresize, in Beech Street, Barbican. It is styled _A Yankee
Sermon_, and is founded on the text “For they shall knaw a file, and
flee unto the mountains of Hepsidam, whar the lion roareth, and the
wang-foodle mourneth for his first born.”
During his trials, Mr. Hone made several references to the following
song, as showing that reverend and serious writers could jest about
religious topics, without any intention to be profane. It was taken
from the Reverend Mark Noble’s continuation of the Rev. Mr. Granger’s
_Biographical History of England_, and showed that it was never
apprehended by the most pious men, that a casual association of
ludicrous images with matters of the Christian religion tended to
weaken the respect due to that faith. Mr. Noble, in his work, quoted
this song respecting Dr. Burnett, the author of _The Theory of the
Earth_, and Master of the Charter-House:――
A Dean and prebendary
Had once a new vagary;
And were at doleful strife, sir,
Who led the better life, sir,
And was the better man,
And was the better man.
The dean he said, that truly,
Since Bluff was so unruly,
He’d prove it to his face, sir,
That he had the most grace, sir;
And so the fight began,
And so the fight began.
When Preb. replied like thunder,
And roars out, ’twas no wonder,
Since gods the dean had three, sir,
And more by two than he, sir,
For he had got but one,
For he had got but one.
Now while these two were raging,
And in dispute engaging,
The Master of the CHARTER,
Said both had caught a tartar;
For gods, sir, there were none,
For gods, sir, there were none.
That all the books of Moses
Were nothing but supposes;
That he deserv’d rebuke, sir,
Who wrote the Pentateuch, sir;
’Twas nothing but a sham,
’Twas nothing but a sham.
That as for father Adam,
With Mrs. Eve, his madam,
And what the serpent spoke, sir,
’Twas nothing but a joke, sir,
And well-invented flam,
And well-invented flam.
Thus, in this battle royal,
As none would take denial,
The dame for whom they strove, sir,
Could neither of them love, sir,
Since all had given offence,
Since all had given offence.
She therefore, slily waiting,
Left all three fools a-prating;
And being in a fright, sir,
Religion took her flight, sir,
And ne’er was heard of since,
And ne’er was heard of since.
――――:o:――――
FRAGMENTS OF HYMNS.
_Divine Songs of the Muggletonians_, in Grateful Praise to the only
True God, the Lord Jesus Christ, 1829.
This is a most extraordinary collection of balderdash to call Divine
Songs; sung to such tunes as God save the Queen, Hearts of Oak, De’el
take the Wars, etc. The following is from Hymn No. 127, sung to the
tune of
“Ye Gentlemen of England”
“You faithful Muggletonians who truly do believe
The Doctrine of Muggleton to be the same as Reeve;
Let no wise anti-followers infuse into your ear,
That a Prayer, Christ does hear, from us mortals here below.”
_A Drug in the Market_; being some of the Songs of Zion that are not
Wanted, written by _Jacobus_.
THE SALVATION NAVY.
The Salvation Army was sure not to exist long without an imitator, and
we are, therefore, not surprised to hear of a Salvation Navy, under
the direction of a person calling himself Admiral Tug. Admiral Tug has
learnt the trick from General Booth of treating the most sacred things
with blasphemous familiarity, and he has summoned his supporters with
the following imitation of the _Arethusa_ sea-song:――
“ON BOARD OF THE ’ALLELUJAH!”
Come all you sinners, young and old,
With ’earts once cast in ’Eaven’s mould,
And join our Ker-istian Navy bold――
On board of the ’Allelujah!
We’re bound to floor the forts of Sin,
And the Devil himself will soon cave in,
Then join the side that is sure to win――
On board of the ’Allelujah!
_Punch_, August 26, 1882.
A STRANGE PARAPHRASE.
The following lines were found written in the clerk’s book, at a
church in Birmingham, some sixty years ago. The said clerk every
Sunday afternoon gave out the same hymn:――
Come let us join our cheerful songs,
As we have often done;
Though we’ve variety of choice,
Our song is always one.
Worthy the clerk, the people cry,
Who our devotion leads;
Worthy the people, he’ll reply,
Who thus approve my deeds.
Let those who in the gallery sit,
And placed above the rest,
Join with their brethren in the pit,
And vie in singing best.
The congregation join in one,
To think the clerk to blame,
That every Sunday afternoon,
We’re bound to sing the same.
THE BRITISH LION’S PREY.
In the hymn sung at the christening of Baby Battenberg was the
following stanza:――
Never from thy pastures roving,
Let him be the lion’s prey;
Let Thy tenderness so loving,
Keep him all life’s dangerous way.
On returning from the chapel her Majesty, with the Royal Family,
received the ladies and gentlemen in the Green Drawing Room, where
refreshments were served, and her Majesty gave the health of Prince
Leopold of Battenberg.――_Court Circular._
Well, yes; we hope young Leopold
May still keep well and skittish;
But is that beast of prey tabooed,
The lion that’s called British?
’Tis nice for Baby Battenberg
To learn these songs of Zion;
Still, what would Papa B. have done
Without the British Lion?
The eagle is a noble bird
That spreads its wings out yonder;
But doesn’t find it “dangerous,”
In lions’ dens to wander.
So, drinking Queen Victoria’s Toast,
We’ve still our chance between a
Good golden-plated Scottish Fife
And a German concertina!
August, 1889.
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.
God bless our gracious Queen!
Since we have got a Queen;
God save our Queen!
Her form we seldom see,
But, loyal subjects, we
Take things so easily,
And bless our Queen.
Oft at her southern seat,
Or else her Scotch retreat,
She hides away;
She never comes to town;
She lives on past renown;
_Minds_, never wears, the crown,
But draws her pay.
Soon may we hope to see
Her Gracious Majesty,
No absent Queen;
Then shall we have good cause
To open wide our jaws,
And sing with hearty voice,
God save our Queen!
W. H. EDMUNDS.
_The Weekly Dispatch._ July 10, 1881.
The following has been suggested as an additional stanza to the
National Anthem:――
Grandchildren not a few,
With great-grandchildren, too,
She blest has been.
We’ve been their sureties,
Paid them gratuities,
Pensions, annuities.
God save the Queen!
[Illustration]
Of purely Political parodies the number is so great, that any attempt
at printing a complete collection is out of the question. At the most,
mention can only be made, and brief extracts given from a few of the
best examples. The King’s (or Queen’s) speeches to Parliament, on the
opening and closing days, have been the subject of parodies for very
many years.
One of the earliest, and certainly the most famous of these was an
anonymous pamphlet published in 1778, entitled “_Anticipation_:
Containing the substance of His Majesty’s Most Gracious Speech to both
Houses of Parliament on the Opening of the approaching Session,
together with a full and authentic account of the Debate which _will_
take place in the House of Commons, on the motion for the _Address_,
and the _Amendment_, with Notes.” (First published three Days before
the Opening of the Session.) London: T. Beckett, 1778.
The address and the Debate occupy 74 pages octavo, and were no doubt
highly entertaining at the time, as the characteristics and oddities
of the various speakers who were satirised were then familiar, but
have long since been forgotten.
The principal topic in the debate was the unfavourable issue of the
War with the United States of America.
This clever pamphlet (which ran through several editions) was written
by Richard Tickell, who died in 1793.
Coming to more modern times _Figaro in London_, a satirical paper
which flourished in the “thirties,” had numerous parodies of
Parliamentary Speeches, making fun of William IV, his wife, and his
Ministers. These were generally illustrated by Seymour, who delighted
to represent William as a silly old man, with a silly old face, and
his wife as a scraggy virago, keeping the King very much under
control.
THE KING’S SPEECH.
The annual period of humbug is at length come round again, and the
time has arrived for the King to put his name to the rubbish which is
drawn up for him by his Ministers.
Of course, we are, so far as any public sources of information are
concerned, wholly ignorant of the subject of this precious bit of
ministerial eloquence that is to close the first Session of our first
Reformed Parliament, but our private channels are so numerous, that it
is impossible for the Government to prevent the secrets of the Cabinet
from coming into the cognizance of _Figaro_.
The following is a slight sketch of the document alluded to:――
_My Lords and Gentlemen_,
“I have to thank you for the very able manner in which you
have contrived to humbug my people for the last seven
months. I hope you will act in the same consistent manner
next Session, for the dignity of your Lordship’s house, the
protection of the Constitution, and the welfare of Great
Britain.
_Gentlemen of the House of Commons_,
You have my most sincere thanks for the singular tact with
which you have contrived to debate every night till a late
hour, and have yet managed to do nothing at all but pass the
Coercive Bill for Ireland.
By a continuance in the same course, you will, I am sure,
contribute to the stability of my Ministry, and to filling
the Parliamentary columns of the newspapers.
I cannot help expressing my admiration of the wonderful
talent you have displayed in sitting under the name of a
Reformed Parliament, and yet acting precisely in the same
spirit as all preceding ones.
_My Lords and Gentlemen of the House of Commons._
I am very happy to say, that my foreign relations are all as
eager as ever to keep up the profession without the practice
of liberality; and that Pedro is likely to be as great a
scoundrel as his brother Miguel.
I hope, my Lords and Gentlemen, that when you meet next
session, you will be as talkative as you have been during
that which has just come to a close; and, that you will not
think of business till my faithful ministers have a plea for
saying it is too late to do any.
As for the supplies, I thank you for them, from the bottom
of my heart, for I accept them as a strong mark of your
attachment and loyalty.
My good people call for retrenchment, and I trust you will
give your attention to the underlings of all offices, as you
have done before, for a person who has little is better
qualified to do without anything, than one who has been
accustomed to a superfluity.
I am convinced your sense of honour will teach you to
respect the great receivers of the public pay, while the
little ones, being more numerous, will afford a wider
display for and more room for the practise of your
retrenching abilities.”
_Figaro in London._ August 31, 1833.
――――
THE QUEEN’S SPEECH.
Mr. Disraeli’s valet having abstracted from his master’s pocket a
rough copy of the Royal Speech, transmitted it to us, we hasten to
present the document to our readers.
MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN――
“The session now terminated, although not productive of any
very striking measures, save that of creating me an Empress,
has, nevertheless, proved highly advantageous to the
country. My Government has been much occupied with undoing
those acts of their predecessors which were considered as
essentially beneficial to my subjects. I trust that these
efforts will tend, under Providence, to the maintenance of
the Tories in office, and to my own and my children’s
benefit.
We must all deeply regret that civil war has broken out in
the empire of my old and attached ally, the Turk. It appears
he has been compelled to bayonet a number of babies, violate
numerous maidens, and outrage a multitude of married women.
But as my Prime Minister assures me these are the ordinary
occurrences of civil warfare, we need trouble ourselves no
further on the subject.
My trusty cousin the Duke of Cambridge having, through
instituting the late military manœuvres for the mobilization
of my army, revealed to the nation his own utter imbecility
and that of the department over which he presides, I have
thought fit to recognise such distinguished services by
bestowing on him the colonelcy of the 17th Lancers, worth
£1,300 per annum.
As the march of my third son, the Duke of Connaught, from
Liverpool to Edinburgh, is universally recognised as one of
the greatest military achievements of the age, and
surrounded with danger, the Lord Archbishop of Canterbury
will prepare a special form of thanksgiving to Providence
for the happy issue of this stupendous exploit.
The navy is conspicuous, as heretofore, for its thorough
efficiency. My relative, the Prince of Leiningen, has not
yet had an opportunity of distinguishing himself on the
Solent, but, doubtless, before the season closes, he will
again display that nautical skill for which he has rendered
himself so famous. My second son Alfred, has been appointed
to the Sultan, which ship has hitherto been quietly at
anchor in Besika Bay. Should the opportunity present itself,
I feel assured that he will duly qualify himself for the
post of Lord High Admiral by running the Sultan ashore,[350]
sinking a consort, or some equally meritorious service. My
First Lord of the Admiralty has, however, fully maintained
the great credit he obtained for his management of the navy,
through the destruction of the Vanguard and the Mistletoe,
by the recent explosion on board the Thunderer, and the
slaughter of forty men; thus, at one and the same time,
giving an impetus to the engineering and undertaking trades,
and proving, beyond question, the perfect ability of my
navy――to destroy itself.
The financial condition of the country is, I rejoice to
state, in most respects satisfactory. You have managed to
increase the national income by imposing two millions of
taxation on my subjects, doubtless a very proper proceeding;
but, at the same time, I must remind you that mine has not
been increased. I am, moreover, gratified in being able to
announce that owing to Sir Bartle Frere’s economical
management of the grant allowed to my eldest son for the
purposes of his religious mission to India, a threepenny-piece
out of the sum will be returned to the Treasury. Many
distinguished foreigners have come to England of late, and
after having been entertained at their own expense, and
visited the Mausoleum, doubtless left the country duly
impressed with the magnificent hospitality of its Court.
My lords and gentlemen, in dismissing you to the pleasures
of grouse shooting, after a laborious session, which, in the
course of five months has managed to undo much of the good
that it took years to effect, I trust that Providence will
further your future efforts in the same praiseworthy
direction.”
From _Reynolds’ Newspaper_. August, 1876.
――――
In 1884, _Truth_ offered a prize for the nearest forecast of the
speech to be delivered on the opening of Parliament, and many replies
were published, amongst which the following was, perhaps, the most
amusing, although not written in accordance with the regulations of
the competition:――
[Enter Councillors, thirsting for information as to the
future programme of the Powers-that-be.]
_My Lords, and Gentlemen of the House of Commons_,
I have purposely summoned you late
Till I’d settled some matters of weight,
Now, I’ve called you together
To talk of the weather
And other great matters of State.
I’m pacific, as all must confess,
On the blessings of peace I lay stress,
I’m on friendly relations
With all other nations,
(_Sotto voce_) What matters a war more or less?
_Gentlemen of the House of Commons_,
There’re a few “little Bills” to be met――
Their nature just now I forget――
On the eve of Vacation
They’ll make a sensation,
You’ll hardly hear much of them yet.
_My Lords and Gentlemen of the House of Commons_,
Notwithstanding “hard times” I am told
“Penny buns” still for pennies are sold.
Thus food is abundant,
And copper’s redundant,
And “coppers,” if saved, become gold.
I feel a remark should be made
On the singular absence of shade,
For the “glass” at “set fine”
Is an excellent sign
Of a rapid revival in trade.
Your labours are heavy and pressing,
I trust you won’t find them distressing,
Avoid long debates,
Pass what William dictates,
And accept, please――per proxy――my blessing.
[Exeunt Councillors of the Lower House, grateful for
the information thus generously bestowed.]
WEAR-GIFFORD.
_Truth_, February 7, 1884.
Several parodies of King’s and Queen’s speeches will also be found in
_The Court of Session Garland_. London: Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1888.
These relate principally to Scotch affairs.
――――
A QUEEN’S SPEECH FROM THE PALACE OF TRUTH.
_My Lords and Gentlemen_:――
I’m glad, in meeting you to-day,
To tell you things are going on in much the usual way,
Thanks to my Ministers’ old plan of toadying Powers they fear,
And sitting humbly down beneath snubs open and severe;
Thanks, also, to the patent fact that ’tis Prince Bismarck’s will
This country with all neighbouring lands at peace continues still;
Though ’tis but right this further fact I should to you confide,
We may be any day at war, should Bismarck so decide.
In Burma, since I met you last, more natives have been slain,
And rebel tribes, four times subdued, have been subdued again;
In India, ’spite the silly things by my advisers done,
A Chinese War, most strange to say, has _not_ yet been begun;
Nor have the many efforts made the Llamas to excite
Availed to make the Thibetans once more my soldiers fight;
Whilst recent news from Suakin enable me to say
That Osman Digna will not need re-killing till next May.
As to the various Colonies which form our Empire great,
They still remain beneath my sway, most curious to relate;
For though my Ministers with much post-prandial declamation
Are very prone to talk about “Imperial Federation,”
They have not lost a chance of late to snub, insult, and slight
Those Colonies which they declare they’re anxious to unite.
So far, however, I repeat, their efforts have proved vain,――
An undivided Empire still is that o’er which I reign.
Even in Ireland, tyranny too terrible to tell
Has failed to goad my subjects ’gainst their tyrants to rebel;
And, though their trusted leaders have been sent by scores to prison,
Such is their loyalty and sense, the Irish have not risen.
_Gentlemen of the Commons_:――
You, without surprise, will note
That certain Estimates you will be duly asked to vote.
From saying, though, that they’ve been framed with a sincere regard
For thrift and for economy, I am, perforce, debarred;
For it is certain they’ve been framed upon a lavish scale,
That Tory candidates may still at Dockyard towns prevail;
That Ministers may, in effect, still foster with a bribe
Their infamous alliance with St. Jingo’s yelling tribe;
And that, in short, they may thereby their spell of power prolong,
And with Corruption’s aid eke out their wretched reign of wrong.
_My Lords and Gentlemen_:――
You may be called on to debate
Many important Bills of which the names I cannot state;
Since, owing to the absence of Lord Hartington from town,
It would, of course, be premature to put their titles down.
They must, of course, though, just to help the Marquis play his part,
_Pretend_ that they the people’s good have very much at heart,
And so they _may_, with his assent, prepare a Bill or two,
Which they, however, will take care that neither House pass through.
Go then, My Lords and Gentlemen, go, and remember, pray,
That the chief end and aim why you are summoned here to-day
Is that you may vote fresh “Supplies,” by which, if well expended,
My Ministers’ sweet spell of power may further be extended,
And thus put off, for one more year, that reckoning with the nation,
Which Tories and D.L.’s await with such grim trepidation.
_Truth._ February 21, 1889.
――――
An answer to the Proclamation calling out the Reserve Forces was
PUNCH’S PROCLAMATION.
PUNCHIUS, R.
Whereas, by the Reserve (Moral) Force Acts of no particular date, but
of general recognition and universal application, it is, amongst other
things, provided that, in case of imminent national danger and
emergency, the Reserve Forces of Prudence, Patience, Patriotism,
Justice, Magnanimity, Wise Forethought, and Rational Self-Restraint,
ordinarily latent in the breasts of the sober, sagacious, and, for the
most part, silent portion of the community, may authoritatively be
called out on active public service.
And whereas the present state of public affairs and public opinion,
and the necessity in connection therewith of taking steps for the
maintenance of peace, and for the protection of real interests,
honour, and fair fame of the Empire, and, especially, of checking the
insurgent forces of Pride, Passion, Prejudice, and spurious (if
well-intended) Patriotism, now and for some time past deplorably and
mischievously rampant, in our opinion, constitute a case of great
emergency within the meaning of the said Acts:
Now, therefore, We do, in pursuance of the said Acts and of our
earnest endeavour for the furtherance of the Public Weal, hereby
direct that forthwith all classes of the Reserve Forces above
specified be called out on permanent service, and shall henceforth
proceed to and attend in their places (in Parliament or otherwise),
and at such time or times as may be needful, to serve as part of Our
Army of Moral Militancy until their services are no longer required.
Given at our Court in Fleet-street this tenth day of April, in the
year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and seventy-eight, and the
thirty seventh of our reign.
Vivat Punchius!
_Punch_, April 1878.
――――
“ADS.” OF THE FUTURE.
[Illustration: T]O BE LET for Public Meetings, Regimental Dinners,
Balls, Fancy Fairs, and other purposes for which a large and handsome
room is desirable, all that eligible and highly decorated Apartment
commonly known as the “Gilded Chamber,” with a quantity of carved
Benches, covered with scarlet morocco leather, which could easily be
adapted for use as rout seats. Also a commodious Anteroom, suitable
for a cloak-room or refreshment buffet, hitherto used as “The Peers’
Robing Room.” For terms, apply to Lord Redesdale, on the premises.
[Illustration: T]O SPEAKERS OF LOCAL PARLIAMENTS, COLLECTORS OF
HISTORICAL RELICS, ANTIQUARIANS, &c.――To be Sold by Private Contract,
“The Woolsack,” occupied up to the date of the Disestablishment of the
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object is in excellent repair, and will be sold with a warranty of its
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with crimson repp of the best quality, and being positively unique, is
well worthy the attention of purchasers.
[Illustration: M]R. and MRS. SOLOMON HARTT having been favoured with
the patronage of a large number of the most distinguished members of
the late House of Lords, beg to inform the public that they have on
hand for immediate disposal a large assortment of A1 State Robes,
trimmed with ermine, including many quite equal to new. Also a large
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for a set of uniforms for his newly-formed body-guard.
[Illustration: M]ESSRS. KNOCKIT and SELLEM beg to announce that their
next Tuesday’s Sale will include two Swords of State, seven State
Cocked Hats, four ditto Crimson Robes, one Silver Mace, one Black Rod
(tipped with silver), one carved Oak Throne, twenty-seven Suits of
Official Livery, various, and numerous other miscellaneous articles,
formerly the property of the House of Lords, which have been consigned
for Unreserved Sale. Catalogues on application.
_Funny Folks_, August 2, 1884.
――――:o:――――
Lord Carnarvon had an interview with Mr. Parnell in Dublin, when they
discussed the question of Home Rule for Ireland. The Conservative
press denied that the interview had any serious political meaning, or
that Lord Carnarvon had any authority to treat with Mr. Parnell, for
his parliamentary support.
LIMITED LIABILITY.
A DIALOGUE.
SCENE.――Library in Lord Carnarvon’s house. Lord
Carnarvon and Mr. Parnell “discovered.”
Lord C――――: Delighted to see you Mr. Parnell. Lucky chance your
happening to call on me! Quite an accident, of course?
Mr. P――――, coldly: Lucky chance my having heard from your friend
that your lordship wished to see me. Quite an accident, of course.
Lord C――――, gloomily: Quite, quite; (brightening up) Mr. P――――, we
meet of course only to exchange the most casual and superficial
ideas――merely as private gentlemen, and not representing anybody or
anything?
Mr. P――――: Quite so. Exactly.
Lord C――――: But there is one thing that I may say officially and
with authority. In my capacity as Viceroy of Ireland, and speaking
with the sanction of the whole Cabinet on this particular subject, a
subject on which I may say we are absolutely unanimous, I have to
state that I do think the weather so far is disappointing and
disagreeable.
Mr. P――――, solemnly: Lord C――――, I have no hesitation in saying, not
only on my own behalf, but on that of the whole Irish Parliamentary
party, and of the Irish people as well, that we, too, find the
weather disappointing and disagreeable.
Lord C――――: That’s all right. But now, Mr. P――――, coming to
unimportant matters, and speaking together as men absolutely free
from any manner of responsibility, and, indeed, having no particular
motive of any kind but that of whiling away a few minutes in
pleasant gossip, do you think it would be a good thing if we――the
Conservatives――were to introduce a Home Rule measure for Ireland?
Mr. P――――: Lord C――――, I am now speaking entirely as a private, and
I may say an isolated individual, having no knowledge of the views
of any of my colleagues, and, indeed, assuming that they would be
rather opposed to me than not in most things, and thus free from all
responsibility, I venture to say that I, for myself, should not be
displeased if you were to introduce a Home Rule measure for Ireland.
Lord C――――: Thanks; then again I should like to ask you, merely to
gratify the idlest personal curiosity, and not having consulted or
intending ever to consult any human being on the subject, whether
you think that if I were to promise――just for the fun of the thing
you know――to get such a measure introduced, you could promise――also
of course for the mere fun of the thing――to give us your support at
the coming elections?
Mr. P――――: Well, of course, regarding the whole thing as a mere
light-hearted piece of pleasantry, between two men notorious for
their vivacity and levity, and neither of whom could be supposed to
have any serious purpose of any kind, I may say perhaps that in such
a case I could promise, just for the fun of the thing――as you
happily put it――I could promise you some support at the coming
elections.
Lord C――――: Thanks very much. Now coming to serious subjects.――May I
ask you Mr. P―――― whether you, speaking officially as leader of the
Irish people, are prepared to agree in an opinion which I have the
authority of the whole Cabinet for expressing, that the present
season in London is likely to be short and unsatisfactory?
Mr. P――――: On such a question as this I speak with a profound sense
of responsibility; but I have no hesitation in saying, as leader of
the Irish Parliamentary party, on behalf of that party and of the
whole people of Ireland, and likewise on behalf of the Irish
Populations of America, Australia, Brazil, and Patagonia, that
Ireland’s conviction is that the present season in London will be
short and unsatisfactory.
They shake hands solemnly and part.
_The Daily News_, June 19, 1888.
――――
POLITICAL MANIFESTOES.
_Mr. Chamberlain’s Address._
Gentlemen.――The new Parliament is about to be dissolved under
circumstances unparalleled in the history of this country. I am
alive, and not one of the bosses of the show. At the 1885 election,
Mr. Gladstone, extending his usual method, indicated four subjects
of primary importance. Need I add that one of these, _the_ one, was
myself? Under these circumstances, it does not appear to have
entered into the mind of any Liberal candidate that within a few
weeks he would be invited to consider a vast revolution in the
relations between me and the G. O. M.
The 1885 election was fought on the programme formulated by Mr.
Gladstone, subject to my approval, and on collateral issues of
purely domestic interest. Now, as I am only capable of understanding
domestic and vestry matters, it will be readily understood that I
disapprove of any dealing with large and statesmanlike questions
beyond my comprehension. What the Liberal party in last November
solemnly and seriously declared to be unsafe, the Prime Minister,
egged on I do not doubt by that accursed Morley, has now
deliberately undertaken. The authority of the Prime Minister has
been sufficient to work this startling transformation, and mine,
alas! insufficient to prevent it. The Irish Government Bill (_i.e._,
Mr. Gladstone) would repeal the act of union between me and the
G.O.M. It would also set up a rival Parliament in Dublin; and――you
may believe one who has suffered much from a rival politician in
London――this will be most unpleasant.
To desert me for Morley――me, whose only crime in the G.O.M.’s eyes
is the peddling and board-of-guardians’ spirit in which I approach
all questions――is an act of ingratitude and cowardice unworthy only
of the Caucus.