Till seven we walk around the yard,

There is a man all you to guard,

If you put your hand out so,

Untoe the guv’nor you must go;

Eight o’clock is our breakfast hour,

Those wittles they do soon devour;

Oh! dear me, how they eat and stuff,

Lave off with less than half enough.

Nine o’clock you mount the mill,

That you mayn’t cramp from settin’ still,

If that be ever so against your will,

You must mount on the traädin’ mill.

There is a turnkey that you’ll find,

He is a raskill most unkind.

To rob poor prisoners he is that man,

To chaäte poor prisoners where he can,

At eleven o’clock we march upstairs

To hear the parson read the prayers.

Then we are locked into a pen――

It’s almost like a lion’s den.

There’s iron bars big round as your thigh

To make you of a prison shy.

At twelve o’clock the turnkey come;

The locks and bolts sound like a drum,

If you be ever so full of game,

The traädin’ mill it will you tame.

At one you mount the mill again,

That is labour all in vain.

If that be ever so wrong or right,

You must traäde till six at night.

Thursdays we have a jubal fraä

Wi’ bread and cheese for all the day.

I’ll tell you raälly, without consate,

For a hungry pig ’tis a charmin’ bait.

At six you’re locked into your cell,

There until the mornin’ dwell;

There is a bed o’ straw all to lay on,

There’s Hobson’s choice, there’s that or none.

From _The Chequers_, by James Runciman.

――――

THE TWENTY CRAFTSMEN.

_Described by the notorious thief-taker Jonathan Wild._

Good people, give ear, whilst a story I tell,

Of twenty black tradesmen who were brought up in hell,

On purpose poor people to rob of their due;

There’s none shall be nooz’d, if you find but one true.

The first was a Coiner, that stampt in a mould;

The second a Voucher to put off his gold.

_Tour you well; hark you well[286], see where they’re rubb’d,

Up to the nubbing cheat[287], where they are nubb’d._

The third was a Padder[288], that fell to decay,

Who used for to plunder upon the Highway;

The fourth was a Mill-Ken[289], to crack up a door,

He’d venture to rob both the rich and the poor,

The fifth was a Glazier[290], who when he creeps in,

To pinch all the lurry[291] he thinks it no sin,

_Tour you well, etc.,_

The sixth is a File-cly[292], that not one cully[293] spares,

The seventh a Budge[294] to track softly up stairs;

The eighth is a Bulk[295], that can bulk any hick[296],

If the master be nabbed, then the Bulk he is sick,

The ninth is an Angler[297], to lift up a grate,

If he sees but the lurry his hooks he will bait.

_Tour you well, etc._

The tenth is a Shoplift, that carries a Bob,

When he ranges the city, the shops for to rob.

The eleventh a Bubber[298], much used of late;

Who goes to the ale house, and steals all their plate.

The twelfth is a Beautrap[299], if a Cull[300] he does meet,

He nips all his Cole[301], and turns him into the street.

_Tour you well, etc._

The thirteenth a Famble, false rings for to sell,

When a Mob[302] he has bit his Cole he will tell;

The fourteenth a Gamester, if he sees the Cull sweet[303],

He presently drops down a Cog[304] in the street;

The fifteenth, a Prancer, whose courage is small,

If they catch him Horse-coursing he’s noozed once for all.

_Tour you well, etc._

The sixteenth, a Sheep-napper, whose trade is so deep,

If he’s caught in the corn he’s marked for a sheep[305];

The seventeenth a Dunaker[306], that stoutly makes vows,

To go in the country and steal all the cows;

The eighteenth a Kid-napper[307], who spirits young men,

Tho’ he tips them the pike, they oft nap him again.

_Tour you well, etc._

The nineteenth’s a Priggar of Cacklers[308], who harms,

The poor Country Higlers, and plunders the Farms;

He steals all their poultry and thinks it no sin,

When into the Henroost, in the night, he gets in,

The twentieth’s a Thief-catcher, so we him call,

Who if he be nabb’d will be made pay for all.

_Tour you well, etc._

There’s many more Craftsmen[309] whom here I could name,

Who use such like Trades, abandon’d of shame;

To the number of more than threescore on the whole,

Who endanger their body, and hazard their soul;

And yet, tho’ good workmen, are seldom made free,

Till they ride in a cart, and be noozed on a tree.

_Tour you well, hark you well, see where they’re rubb’d,

Up to the nubbing-cheat, where they are nubb’d._

This is taken from _A Pedlar’s Pack of Ballads and Songs_ collected by

W. H. Logan, (Edinburgh: William Paterson, 1869) which work contains

some dozen cant songs, of which the best have been quoted. The others

are so “Flash” in language that they could only be clearly interpreted

by a regular Patter Cove.

――――

RETOURE MY DEAR DELL.

Each Darkmans[310] I pass in an old shady grove,

And live not the Lightmans[311], I toute[312] not my love,

I surtoute every walk, which we used to pass,

And couch me down weeping and kiss the cold grass:

I cry out on my Mort[313] to pity my pain,

And all our vagaries remember again.

Didst thou know, my dear Doxy, but half of the smart

Which has seized on my panter since thou didst depart;

Didst thou hear but my sighs, my complaining and groans,

Thou’dst surely retoure[314] and pity my moans;

Thou’dst give me new pleasure for all my past pain,

And I should rejoice in thy glaziers[315] again.

But, alas! ’tis my fear that the false _Patri-coe_[316]

Is reaping those transports are only my due:

Retoure my dear Doxy, oh, once more retoure,

And I’ll do all to please thee that lies in my pow’r;

Then be kind, my dear Dell, and pity my pain,

And let me once more toute thy glaziers again.

On Redshanks and Tibs[317] thou shalt every day dine,

And if it should e’er be my hard fate to trine[318]

I never will whiddle, I never will squeek[319],

Nor to save my Colquarron[320] endanger thy neck.

Then once more, my Doxy, be kind and retoure,

And thou shalt want nothing that lies in my pow’r.

The vein of sentiment that pervades this lament is almost too fine to

be genuine in such a production.

――――

THE PICKPOCKETS’ CHAUNT.

_Translated from an “Argot” Song of Maitre Vidocq, by Dr. William

Maginn._

As from ken to ken I was going,

Doing a bit on the prigging lay[321],

Who should I meet but a jolly blowen[322],

Tol lol, lol lol, tol dirol lay;

Who should I meet but a jolly blowen,

Who was fly to the time of day.

Who should I meet but a jolly blowen,

Who was fly to the time of day.

I pattered in flash[323], like a covey knowing,

Tol lol, &c.

“Ay, bub or grubby[324], I say?”

I pattered in flash like a covey knowing,

“Ay, bub or grubby, I say?”

“Lots of gatter”[325] says she, is flowing,

Tol lol, &c.

Lend me a lift in the family way[326].

Lots of gatter, says she, is flowing,

Lend me a lift in the family way.

You may have a crib[327] to stow in,

Tol lol, &c.

Welcome, my pal, as the flowers in May.

You may have a crib to stow in,

Welcome, my pal, as the flowers in May.

To her ken at once I go in,

Tol lol, &c.

Where in a corner out of the way,

To her ken at once I go in,

Where in a corner out of the way,

With his smeller[328] a trumpet blowing,

Tol lol, &c.

A regular swell cove lushy lay,

With his smeller a trumpet blowing,

A regular swell cove lushy lay,

To his dies[329] my hooks[330] I throw in,

Tol lol, &c.

And collar his dragons[331] clear away.

To his dies my hooks I throw in,

And collar his dragons clear away.

Then his ticker I set a going,

Tol lol, &c.

And his onions,[332] chain and key,

Then his ticker I set a going,

With his onions, chain and key;

Next slipt off his bottom clo’ing,

Tol lol, &c.

And his ginger head topper gay.

Next slipt off his bottom clo’ing,

And his ginger head topper gay.

Then his other toggery stowing,

Tol lol, &c.

All with the swag I sneak away,

Then his other-toggery stowing,

All with the swag I sneak away.

Tramp it, tramp it, my jolly blowen,

Tol lol, &c.

Or be grabbed by the beaks we may,

Tramp it, tramp it, my jolly blowen,

Or be grabbed by the beaks we may.

And we shall caper a-heel and toeing,

Tol lol, &c.

A Newgate hornpipe some fine day.

And we shall caper a-heel and toeing,

A Newgate hornpipe some fine day,

With the mots their ogles throwing,

Tol lol, &c.

And Old Cotton[333] humming his pray[334],

With the mots their ogles throwing,

And Old Cotton humming his pray,

And the fogle hunters[335] doing,

Tol lol, &c.

Their morning fake in the prigging lay[336].

Many of the other words are also flash, but are so generally

understood that it is quite unnecessary to translate them.

[Illustration]

Oh, Kittens! in our hours of ease

Uncertain toys, and full of fleas;

When pain and anguish hang o’er men,

We turn you into sausage then.

――――

A CANT HANDBILL.

The following handbill is worthy of a place in this collection; the

Slang Dictionary will explain its meaning. Its words are, however,

fully understood by many “downy” customers;

Once Try You’ll Come Again

TO

HARRIS, THE SLAP-UP-TOG

and out and out

KICKSIES BUILDER.

Well known throughout all England.

――――

Mr. H. nabs the chance of putting his customers awake that he has just

made his escape from India, not forgetting to clap his mawleys upon

some of the right sort of stuff, when on his return home he was

stunned to find one of the top Manufacturers of Manchester had cut his

lucky, and stepped off to the Swan Stream, leaving behind him a

valuable stock of Moleskins, Cords, Velveteens, Box Cloths, Plushes,

Doe Skins, Pilots, &c., and having some ready in his kick――grabbed the

chance――stepped home with the swag――and is now safely landed at his

crib. He can turn out Toggery very slap at the following low prices

for

_Ready Gilt――Tick being No Go._

Upper Benjamins, built on a downy plan, a monarch to half a finnuff.

Fishing or Shooting Togs, or Slap up Velveteen Togs, lined with the

same, cut slap, 1 pound, 1 quarter and a peg. A Fancy Sleeve Blue

Plush or Pilot ditto, made very saucy, a couter. Pair of Kerseymere or

Doeskin Kicksies, built very slap with the artful dodge, a canary.

Pair of Bath or Worsted Cords, cut to drop down on the trotters, a

quid. Pair of out and out cords, built very serious, 9 bob and a kick.

Pair of stout Broad Cords, built in the Melton Mowbray style, half a

sov. Pair of Moleskins, built hanky spanky, with double fakement down

the sides and artful buttons at the bottom, half a monarch.

Mud Pipes, Knee Caps & Trotter Cases built very low.

A decent allowance made to Seedy Swells, Tea Kettle

Purgers, Head Robbers, and Flunkeys out of Collar.

_N.B.――Gentlemen finding their own Broady can be accommodated._

――――:o:――――

The distinctions between _Slang_ and _Cant_ are well defined by

Hotten. “_Cant_,” he says, “is old, whilst _Slang_ is always modern

and changing. To illustrate the difference: a thief in _Cant_ language

would term a horse a _Prancer_ or _Prad_; while in _Slang_ a man of

fashion would speak of it as a _Bit of Blood_, a _Spanker_, or a _neat

tit_.”

Cant was formed for the purpose of secrecy in roguery, Slang is

commonly indulged in from a desire to appear familiar with the life,

gaiety, town humour, and street jokes of the day. Cant and Slang are

often used as synonyms, which is erroneous, they are distinct terms,

and should be kept so.

Then there is what is commonly known as “Daily Telegraphese,” or the

“high falutin” style. This arose from the invincible objection an

inferior class of journalists had to writing of a spade as a _spade_,

it must be called an “agricultural implement.” Examples of this may be

found any day in the leaders of the _Daily Telegraph_, (London) a

journal which whilst owned by Jews is especially conspicuous for its

cant about Christianity and the Established Church. The parade of

irrelevant learning, the mythological allusions dug up from the almost

inaccessible depths of Lemprière, and the Latin verses cheaply filched

from Dictionaries of Quotations, can only impose on imperfectly

educated readers, to persons of any literary culture they are simply

nauseating.

On page 251 _Jerry Juniper’s Chaunt_ (“Nix my dolly pals”) was given,

it is the somewhat abbreviated version which is commonly sung, the

full text, with a glossary, will be found in Ainsworth’s entertaining

novel _Rookwood_.

This work contains other cant songs, and in his Preface Mr. Ainsworth

makes the following remarks upon them:――

“As I have casually alluded to the flash song of Jerry

Juniper, I may be allowed to make a few observations upon

this branch of versification. It is somewhat curious with a

dialect so racy, idiomatic, and plastic as our own cant,

that its metrical capabilities should have been so little

essayed. The French have numerous _chansons d’argot_,

ranging from the time of Charles Bourdigné and Villon down

to that of Vidocq and Victor Hugo, the last of whom has

enlivened the horrors of his “_Dernier Jour d’un Condamné_”

by a festive song of this class. The Spaniards possess a

large collection of _Romances de Germania_, by various

authors, amongst whom Quevedo holds a distinguished place.

We on the contrary, have scarcely any slang songs of merit.

This barreness is not attributable to the poverty of the

soil, but to the want of due cultivation. Materials are at

hand in abundance, but there have been few operators.

Dekker, Beaumont and Fletcher, and Ben Jonson, have all

dealt largely in this jargon, but not lyrically; and one of

the earliest and best specimens of a canting-song occurs in

Brome’s ‘_Jovial Crew_;’ and in the ‘_Adventures of Bamfylde

Moore Carew_’ there is a solitary ode addressed by the

mendicant fraternity to their newly-elected monarch; but it

has little humour, and can scarcely be called a genuine

canting-song. This ode brings us down to our own time; to

the effusions of the illustrious Pierce Egan; to Tom Moore’s

Flights of ‘_Fancy_;’ to John Jackson’s famous chant, ‘_On

the High Toby Spice flash the Muzzle_,’ cited by Lord Byron

in a note to ‘_Don Juan_;’ and to the glorious Irish ballad,

worth them all put together, entitled ‘_The Night before

Larry was stretched_.’ This is attributed to the late Dean

Burrowes, of Cork. It is worthy of note, that almost all

modern aspirants to the graces of the _Musa Pedestris_ are

Irishmen. Of all rhymesters of the ‘_Road_,’ however, Dean

Burrowes is, as yet, most fully entitled to the laurel.

Larry is quite ‘the potato!’

“I venture to affirm that I have done something more than

has been accomplished by my predecessors, or contemporaries,

with the significant language under consideration. I have

written _a purely flash song_; of which the great and

peculiar merit consists in its being utterly

incomprehensible to the uninformed understanding, while its

meaning must be perfectly clear and perspicuous to the

practised _patterer_ of _Romany_, or _Pedler’s French_. I

have, moreover, been the first to introduce and naturalize

amongst us a measure which, though common enough in the

Argotic minstrelsy of France, has been hitherto utterly

unknown to our _pedestrian_ poetry. Some years after the

song alluded to, better known under the title of ‘_Nix my

dolly, pals,――fake away!_’ sprang into extraordinary

popularity, being set to music by Rodwell, and chanted by

glorious Paul Bedford and clever little Mrs. Keeley.”

Of course Mr. Ainsworth is in error in his claim to have written the

first purely flash song, if indeed that is what he claims in his

somewhat ambiguous sentence on the subject.

Detached Slang phrases may be found in the writings of most of our

principal novelists――in Swift, Addison, Henry Fielding, Lord Lytton,

Harrison Ainsworth, and Charles Dickens they abound. Professor Wilson

and Dr. Maginn were also authorities on Slang.

Our older dramatists introduced Slang largely into their plays,

notably Shakespeare, Ben Jonson, Beaumont and Fletcher, Richard Brome,

Thomas Middleton, Thomas Decker, the Duke of Buckingham, and more

recently R. B. Sheridan and Moncrieff.

Our dear little friend _Notes and Queries_ (London) contains many

hundreds of references, explanations, and etymologies of Cant, Slang,

and Flash, to which access can be readily obtained by reference to the

indices of that ably conducted journal.

As a general remark on the songs which have been quoted, it should be

borne in mind that prior to 1829 the punishment of death was inflicted

for many offences which are now considered trivial, hence the frequent

references they contain to hanging, and the gallows.

――――

THE PRINTER’S EPITAPH.

No more shall _copy_ bad perplex my brain;

No more shall _type’s_ small face my eyeballs strain;

No more the _proof’s foul page_[337] create me troubles,

By _errors_, _transpositions_, _outs_, and _doubles_;[338]

No more to _overrun_ shall I begin;

No more be _driving out_ or _taking in_;

The stubborn _pressman’s_ frown I now may scoff;

_Raised, and corrected_, finally _worked off_!

From _Songs of the Press, and other Poems relative to the Art of

Printing_. Collected by C. H. Timperley. London: Fisher, Son & Co.,

1845.

This work contains a large number of Poems and Parodies in Printer’s

Slang, and has a good glossary of the technical terms and Slang used

in printing offices.

――――:o:――――

Dictionaries and other Books of Reference, on Cant and Slang.

_Chronologically Arranged._

“_A Caveat or Warening for Common Cursetors, vulgarly called

Vagabones_, set forth by Thomas Harman, Esquier, for the utilitie

and proffyt of hys naturall Countrey, newly augumented and

imprynted Anno Domini, 1567. Viewed, examined and allowed

according unto the Queene Majesteyes injunctions. Imprinted at

London, in Fletestret, at the signe of the Faulcon, by Wylliam

Gryffith, and are to be solde at his shoppe in Saynt Dunstones

Churche Yard in the West.”――This is generally acknowledged to

have been the first work of its kind, namely, an attempt to form

a Cant Dictionary. It was first printed in black letter, there

have been several later editions, and Hotten in his _Slang

Dictionary_ reprints from it what he terms the “Rogues’

Dictionary.” This vocabulary contains about 150 entries.

A reprint of Harman’s _Caveat_, with illustrations and

interesting notes, was published by Reeves and Turner in 1871, in

Mr. Charles Hindley’s _Old Book Collector’s Miscellany_.

_The Fraternatye of Vacabondes, etc._ Imprinted at London by John

Awdeley, 1575.――Supposed to have been either written by Harman,

or taken from his works.

_The Bellman of London_, by Thomas Decker.――Contains an account of

the Canting Language. _Black letter._ London, 1608.

_Lanthorne and Candle-light_, or the Bellman’s Second Night’s

Walke.――By Thomas Decker. London. 1608-9 This is a continuation

of Decker’s former work, and contains the _Canter’s Dictionary_.

There were numerous editions of Decker’s works on this subject.

“_Villanies discovered by Lanthorne and Candle-light, and the helpe

of a new crier called O Per se O._ Being an addition to the

Bel-man’s second night-walke; and laying open to the world of

those abuses, which the Bel-man (because he went i’th darke)

could not see. With Canting Songs, and other new conceits never

before Printed.” By Thomas Decker. Newly corrected and enlarged.

Small quarto. London, Aug Mathewes, 1620. Very rare, and curious

as containing a complete description of the thieving and

swindling population of London at that time, with a Cant

Vocabulary and Slang songs. There were several Editions of this

work.

_The English Rogue_, described in the Life of Meriton Latroon, a

witty Extravagant. By Richard Head, 1671-80. This contains a list

of Cant words, partly taken from Decker’s works.

_Canting Academy_; or, Villanies Discovered, wherein are shown the

Mysterious and Villanous Practices of that Wicked Crew――Hectors,

Trapanners, Gilts, etc., Also a Compleat Canting Dictionary.

Compiled by Richard Head. 1674.

_Ladies’ Dictionary_, by Dunton, London, 1694.

_Dictionary of the Canting Crew_ (Ancient and Modern), of Gypsies,

Beggars, Thieves, &c. _About_ 1700.

_New Dictionary of the Terms_ (Ancient and Modern), of the Canting

Crew in its several Tribes. By B. E. Gent. _About_ 1710.――This

work was the foundation of _Bacchus and Venus_, 1737, and of _The

Scoundrel’s Dictionary_, 1754.

_Regulator_; or, a Discovery of the Thieves, Thief-takers, and

Jocks, in and about London. With an account of all the _Flash

Words_ now in vogue amongst the thieves. By Charles Hitching,

formerly _City Marshall_. London, 1718.

_Complete History of the Lives and Robberies_ of the most notorious

Highwaymen, Footpads, Shop-lifters, and Cheats in and about

London and Westminster. By Captain A. Smith. London, 1719.――This

contains “The Thieves New Canting Dictionary of the Words,

Proverbs, &c., used by Thieves.”

_The Thieves’ Grammar._ By Captain Alexander Smith. About 1720.

_The Thieves’ Dictionary_, by the same author. 1724.

_Canting Dictionary_; comprehending all the Terms used by Gipsies,

Beggars, Shoplifters, Highwaymen, Footpads, etc., with a

collection of Songs in the Canting Dialect. A rechauffé of

earlier works, 1725.

_The Golden Cabinet of Secrets_, with a Canting Dictionary, by Dr.

Surman. In seven parts. London, about 1730.

_The Triumph of Wit_, or Ingenuity displayed, with the mystery and

art of Canting, and Poems in the Canting Language, J. Clarke,

1735.

_Etymological English Dictionary._ By Nathaniel Bailey, 2 Vols.,

1737. A collection of ancient and modern Cant words appears as an

appendix to this edition.

_Bacchus and Venus_; or a select Collection of Songs in the Canting

Dialect, etc., with a Dictionary explaining the Canting Terms.

1731. Founded on B. E. Gent’s _New Dictionary_.

_The Life of an English Rogue._ By Jeremy Sharp, 1740.――This

contains a vocabulary of Gypsies’ Cant.

_The History and Curious Adventures of Bampfylde-Moore Carew_, King

of the Mendicants. The first edition was published by R. Goodby,

London, 1749.――This is a very common book, it should contain “A

vocabulary of words used by the Scottish Gipsies,” “A few

sentences in the Gipsy Language,” and “A Dictionary of the Cant

Language generally used by mendicants.” These are incomplete and

unsatisfactory.

_History of the Lives and Actions of Jonathan Wild_, Blueskin, and

John Sheppard; together with a _Canting Dictionary_, by Jonathan

Wild, 1750.

_The Sportsman’s Dictionary._ No date. Contains low sporting and

pugilistic terms.

_Scoundrel’s Dictionary_, or an Explanation of the Cant words used

by Thieves, House Breakers, Street Robbers, and Pickpockets about

Town, 1754. A reprint of _Bacchus and Venus_, 1737.

_The Triumph of Wit_, or the Canting Dictionary. Dublin, about 1760.

_The Discoveries of John Poulter._ About 1770.――With an explanation

of the “Language of Thieves, commonly called Cant.”

_Dictionary of the English Language_, by Dr. John Ash,

1775.――Containing low, vulgar, slang, and cant terms.

_New and Complete Dictionary of the English Language._ By John Ash,

L.L.D., 1775.――Contains Cant words and phrases.

_A View of Society in High and Low Life._ By George Parker, 1781.

_The Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue._ By Francis

Grose.――The first edition was published in 1785. This is the

foundation of most of the Slang Dictionaries which have since

been compiled. Although it is one of the most indecent books ever

printed in the English language it must be admitted that it was,

at the time it appeared, the most complete and important

Dictionary of street language, based on personal enquiry, and

acquaintance with the habits of those who used “Cant.”

_The Whole Art of Thieving and Defrauding Discovered_; to which is

added an Explanation of most of the Cant terms in the Thieving

Language. 1786.

_Life’s Painter of Variegated Characters_, with a Dictionary of Cant

Language and Flash Songs. By George Parker, 1789.

_New Dictionary of all the Cant and Flash Languages_, both ancient

and modern, used by Gipsies, Beggars, Swindlers, Footpads,

Highwaymen, etc. By H. T. Potter, of Clay, Worcestershire. 1790.

_Dictionary of all the Cant and Flash Languages_, both ancient and

modern. By Bailey. 1790.

_New Dictionary of all the Cant and Flash Languages_ used by every

class of Offenders, from a Lully Prigger to a High Tober Gloak.

179――

_A Political Dictionary_: Explaining the True Meaning of Words. By

the late Charles Pigott, Esq. London: D. I. Eaton, 1795.――A

satirical work directed against the Monarchy, the Aristocracy,

and the Government of the day, in the form of a dictionary.

_Blackguardiana_; or, Dictionary of Rogues, Bawds, etc. By James

Caulfield. 1795.

A coarse work, mainly founded on Grose’s “Dictionary of the

Vulgar Tongue.”

_Dictionary of all the Cant and Flash Languages._ London. 1797.

_Anecdotes of the English Language_, chiefly regarding the Local

dialect of London and Environs. By Samuel Pegge. 1803.

_Dictionary of the Slang and Cant Languages_, Ancient and Modern. By

George Andrews. A sixpenny pamphlet. London, 1809.

_A Dictionary of Buckish Slang_, University Wit, and Pickpocket

Eloquence. 1811.

_Lexicon Balatronicum. A Dictionary of Buckish Slang, University

Wit, and Pickpocket Eloquence_, compiled originally by Captain

Grose, and now considerably altered and enlarged by a member of

the Whip Club, assisted by Hell-Fire Dick, etc. London: C.

Chappel, Pall Mall, 1811. With a folding plate by G. Cruikshank,

entitled “Bang up Dinner; or, Love and Lingo.” This is a very

comprehensive slang dictionary, containing extracts from flash

songs and dialogues. It is exceedingly coarse and indelicate, and

is consequently very scarce.

_Bang-up Dictionary_; or, the Lounger and Sportsman’s Vade Mecum. A

Glossary of the Language of the Whips. 1812.

_London Guide and Stranger’s Safeguard_, against Cheats, Swindlers,

and Pickpockets, By William Perry. 1818. Contains a Dictionary of

Slang Words.

_Life of the Count de Vaux_, written by Himself, to which is added a

Canting Dictionary. 1819.

These memoirs were suppressed.

_Tom Crib’s Memorial to Congress_: With a Preface, Notes, and

Appendix. By One of the Fancy. London, Longmans & Co., 1819.

There were several Editions. This has been ascribed to Thomas

Moore, it contains a parody of one of his poems, most of the

other pieces contained in this little volume are descriptive of

prize fights, and abound in slang; the burlesque preface and

footnotes, are interesting, learned, and explanatory.

There is also a translation from the Fifth Book of Virgil’s

_Æneid_ in Slang, entitled “Account of the Milling-match between

Entellus and Dares.”

“With daddles high uprais’d, and nob held back,

In awful prescience of th’ impending thwack,

Both Kiddies stood――and with prelusive spar,

And light manœuvering, kindled up the war.!”

* * * * *

_Boxiana_; or, Sketches of Modern Pugilism, by Pierce Egan. London,

1820.

This is more particularly devoted to the Prize-ring, and its

technicalities.

_The Fancy_: A selection from the Poetical Remains of the late

Peter Corcoran, of Gray’s Inn, Student at Lawe London, Taylor &

Hessey. 1820. This is written in imitation of _Tom Crib’s

Memorial to Congress_, and is generally ascribed to James Smith,

one of the authors of _The Rejected Addresses_. It abounds in

cant, slang, and terms of the prize ring, and has a short

glossary of terms.

_The True History of Tom and Jerry_; or, The Day and Night scenes of

Life in London, with a Glossary of Slang. By Pierce Egan. About

1820.

_Flash Dictionary of the Cant Words_, Queer Sayings, and Crack Terms

now in use in Flash Cribb Society. By Mr. Duncombe. 1820.

_Jack Randall’s Diary of Proceedings at the Souse of Call for

Genius._ This is supposed to have been written by Thomas Moore,

it contains numerous Slang parodies, relating to pugilism and

fast life in London. 1820. Jack Randall was an ex-pugilist, who

kept a 284 public-house called the Hole-in-the-Wall, Chancery

Lane, frequented by the “fancy.” He died in 1828.

Alas! poor Jack lies on his back,

As flat as any flounder:

Although he died of a bad inside,

No heart was ever sounder.

The Hole-in-the-Wall was once his _stall_,

His _crib_ the _Fancy_ name it:

A Hole-in-the-Ground he now has found,

And no one else will claim it.

* * * * *

_Essayes and Characters of a Prison and Prisoners._ (Mynshull)

Edinburgh, 1821. Contains an account of the Cant used in the

prison.

_Life of David Haggart_, written by himself while under sentence of

Death. With a glossary of the Slang and Cant Words of the Day.

1821.

_Life in St. George’s Fields_; or, the Rambles and Adventures of

Disconsolate William, Esq., and his Surrey Friend, Flash Dick,

with Songs and a Flash Dictionary. 1821.

_A Political Dictionary_; or, Pocket Companion:――Chiefly designed

for the use of Members of Parliament, Whigs, Tories, Loyalists,

Magistrates, Clergymen, Half-pay Officers, Worshipful Aldermen

and Reviewers; being an Illustration and Commentary on all Words,

Phrases, and Proper Names in the Vocabulary of Corruption. With

biographical illustrations from the lives of the most celebrated

Corruptionists in Church and State. By the Editor of the “Black

Book.” London: T. Dolby. 1821.

This work, which has a strong Radical bias, is satirically

dedicated to the odious Lord Castlereagh, and is very outspoken

in its denunciations of Bribery, Corruption, Pensioners, and

Placemen, as witness the definition it gives of “LAUREATE

(_Poet_),” “A fellow who barters his principles for a hundred

pounds a year and a butt of sack.” This gibe was directed at the

renegade republican Robert Southey, then Poet Laureate.

_The Man of the World’s Dictionary._ Anonymous. London: J.

Appleyard. 1822.

Translated from the _Dictionnaire des Gens du Monde_, a satirical

work in the form of a dictionary.

_Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue_, by Francis Grose,

revised and corrected, with the addition of numerous Slang

Phrases, collected from tried authorities, by Pierce Egan.

London. 1823.――This is the best edition of Grose’s work.

_Dictionary of the Turf_, the Ring, the Chase, the Pit, the Bon Ton,

and the Varieties of Life, by John Bee, (_i.e._, John Badcock).

1823.

_Gradus ad Cantabrigiam_; or New University Guide to the Academical

Customs, and Colloquial or Cant terms peculiar to _The University

of Cambridge_. By a Brace of Cantabs. London. J. Hearne.

1824.――This is written in the form of a Dictionary, and contains

some excellent parodies.

_The Modern Flash Dictionary_, containing all the Cant Words, Slang

Terms, and Flash Phrases now in vogue. By E. Kent. 1825.

_Modern Flash Dictionary_, 48mo. 1825.――The smallest Slang

Dictionary ever printed.

_Sportsman’s Slang_; A new Dictionary of Terms used in the affairs

of the Turf, the Ring, the Chase, and the Cockpit. By John Bee

(J. Badcock). 1825.

_My Thought Book_, by J. Thomas, 1825.――Contains a chapter on Slang.

_Living Picture of London for 1828_, and Strangers’ Guide through

the streets of the Metropolis; showing the Frauds, the Arts,

Snares and Wiles of all descriptions of Rogues, &c.,

1828.――Giving an insight into the language of the streets.

_Mornings at Bow Street._ By T. Wright, London, 1838. Contains

Etymologies of a few Slang Words.

_Poverty, Mendicity, and Crime_; or the Facts, Examinations, &c.

upon which the Report was founded, Presented to the House of

Lords by W. A. Miles, Esq., to which is added a Dictionary of the

Flash or Cant Language, known to every Thief and Beggar. Edited

by H. Brandon, Esq., London; Shaw & Sons, 1839.――The Flash

Dictionary only extends to six pages, followed by two examples of

“flash” conversation, the first of which has already been quoted.

_Sinks of London laid open_, a Pocket Companion for the uninitiated,

to which is added a _Modern Flash Dictionary_, with a List of the

60 orders of Prime Coves, the whole forming a True Picture of

London Life, Cadging made Easy, the He-She Man, Smoking Kens,

Lessons to Lovers, &c. With illustrations, by George Cruikshank,

London, 1848.

_London Labour and London Poor_, 4 vols. By Henry Mayhew. London,

1851.

_In the Great World of London_, written by the same gentleman, there

is also some information about Cant and Slang Words.

_Magistrates’ Assistant and Constables’ Guide._ By Snowden,

1852.――Contains a “Glossary of the Flash Language.”

_Archaic Dictionary_, by J. O. Halliwell, 2 vols. 1855.

_The Vulgar Tongue_: comprising two glossaries of Slang, Cant and

Flash words and phrases, principally used in London at the

present day. By Ducange Anglicus. London: Bernard Quaritch, 1857.

Only 250 copies were printed of this edition. The first Glossary

was original, the second was merely a reprint from the report

entitled _Poverty, Mendicity, and Crime_, which see. It also

contains _The Leary Man_, a Flash Song, and a Tailor’s Handbill

in Slang, both of which have already been quoted.

_Essay on Church Parties._ By Dean Conybeare, containing examples of

clerical, or pulpit Slang. 1858.

_The Slang Dictionary_; or, the Vulgar words, Street Phrases and

“Fast” expressions of High and Low Society. This was first

published in London by John Camden Hotten in 1859 as _The

Dictionary of Modern Slang, Cant, and Vulgar words_, a second

edition appeared in 1860; the above named which appeared in 1864,

contained much more matter than its predecessors. There have been

several editions published more recently. Speaking in a general

sense this appears to be by far the most interesting, as it is

also the most useful work on _Slang_ for modern readers.

Naturally it contains a few coarse and vulgar expressions, but

none of an obscene or indelicate description. It has a

bibliography of Slang and Cant, which is, however, incomplete.

_The History of a Manchester Cadger_; narrated in his own language.

Price, one penny.――This was an impudent theft from Hotten’s Slang

Dictionary.

_Miss Polly-Glott’s Dictionary of the Future._――This was a satirical

Dictionary which appeared in several parts of _The Girl of the

Period Miscellany_. London. 1869.

_A Pedlar’s Pack of Ballads and Songs._ By W. H. Logan. Edinburgh;

William Paterson. 1869.――This contains about a dozen slang songs,

the best of which have been already quoted.

_The Shotover Papers_, or Echoes from Oxford. Oxford. J. Vincent.

1874-75.――This contains numerous specimens of the slang in use in

the Oxford Colleges.

_The Life and Times of James Catnach_, (late of Seven Dials) Ballad

Monger. By Charles Hindley. London. Reeves and Turner.

1878.――Contains old Cant Ballads, and notes on Thieves and their

haunts.

_Macmillan’s Magazine_, October, 1879. Autobiography of a Thief, by

Rev. J. W. Horsley.――See also _Jottings from Jail_. 1887.

_Flights of Fancy_ by E. L. Blanchard. London: E. W. Allen, 1882.

This has a more explanatory sub-title; “The Comic Encyclopædia, a

Dictionary of Definitions for the use of Punsters,” this in

reality is a humorous and satirical dictionary. This work

originally appeared in parts in the early numbers of _Fun_.

London.

_Jottings from Jail_; Notes and Papers on Prison matters. By the

Rev. J. W. Horsley M.A., London. T. Fisher Unwin, 1887.

This contains “An Autobiography of a Thief, in Cant or Thieves’

language,” which had previously appeared in _Macmillan’s

Magazine_ for October, 1879. This was also reprinted, with a

French translation, in Mr. A. Barrère’s splendid work _Argot and

Slang_.

_The A. B. C. of a New Dictionary of Flash, Cant, Slang and Vulgar

Words, Proverbs and Provincialisms_, their Explication and

Illustration. On the basis of Bailey and Grose. London, no date,

but probably printed about 1866. This exceedingly scarce and

rather coarse little book (110 pages) has no author’s or

publisher’s name. It only deals with the first three letters of

the alphabet, and was evidently intended as the first instalment

of a very complete dictionary, an intention which was not carried

into effect. Only a few copies were printed.

_New Canting Dictionary._ N.D.

_A new Dictionary of the Jaunting Crew._ N.D.

_The Gipsy Vocabulary_, Edited by W. Pinkerton.

_Every Day Life in our Public Schools._ By C. E. Pascoe. London.

_The Seven Curses of London._ By James Greenwood.

_A Supplementary English Glossary._ By T. L. O. Davies. London,

1881.

“_The True History of Tom and Jerry_; or The Day and Night Scenes of

Life in London from the Start to the Finish! With a key to the

Persons and Places, together with a Vocabulary and Glossary of

the Flash and Slang terms occurring in the course of the work.”

By Charles Hindley. London, Reeves & Turner, 1889.

This is a reprint of Pierce Egan’s _Tom and Jerry_ and _The

Finish to the Adventures of Tom, Jerry, and Logic_, with an

interesting and profusely illustrated introduction, by Mr.

Hindley. The Glossary has been revised and brought down to date,

and altogether the book is as curious and as amusing a record of

“Life in London” seventy years ago as can be desired. Only two

hundred and fifty copies have been printed.

_A Dictionary of Slang, Jargon, and Cant_, embracing English,

American, and Anglo-Indian Slang, Pidgin English, Tinkers’

Jargon, and other irregular Phraseology, compiled and edited by

Albert Barrère and Charles G. Leland. Printed, for subscribers

only, at the Ballantyne Press. 1889. Only the first volume (A to

K) of this work has as yet been issued.

AMERICAN AND COLONIAL SLANG.

_Essays on Americanisms_, Perversions of Language in the United

States, Cant Phrases, &c.――By Dr. Witherspoon, Philadelphia,

1801.

Probably the earliest work on Americanisms.

_Vocabulary_, or Collection of Words and Phrases which have been

supposed to be peculiar to the United States of America. By F.

Pickering, Boston, 1816.

_Letter to the Hon. John Pickering_, on the subject of his

Vocabulary, or Collection of Words and Phrases supposed to be

peculiar to the United States. By Noah Webster, Boston, 1817.

_Collection of College Words and Customs._ By B. H. Hall. Cambridge

(U.S.) 1856.

_Dictionary of Americanisms_; a Glossary of Words and Phrases

colloquially used in the United States. By John Russell Bartlett.

New York, 1859.

_Glossary of supposed Americanisms_; Vulgar and Slang words used in

the United States, by Alfred L. Elwyn. 1859.

_Gazetteer of Georgia_, U.S. By Sherwood. This contains a glossary

of the Slang and Vulgar words peculiar to the Southern States of

the U.S.A.

_A Handbook of Sayings and Phrases._ By J. A. Mair. London, George

Routledge and Sons. About 1880. This useful little work contains

not only many English Slang Words, but also a collection of

American Words and Phrases.

_Americanisms, Old and New_, being a collection of words, phrases,

and colloquialisms peculiar to the United States British America,

the West Indies, etc. By John S. Farmer. Privately printed 1889.

This contains a good many words pertaining to transatlantic cant,

or thieves’ slang. An amusing article on this book appeared in

_The Daily News_, January 31, 1889.

_School Life at Winchester College_, giving an account of the

Language of _Ziph_. By Professor Mansfield.

――――:o:――――

CONTINENTAL BOOKS OF REFERENCE ON “ARGOT” OR SLANG.

_La Comédie des Proverbes._ Par Adrien de Montluc. 1633.

_Dictionnaire des Halles._ Bruxelles, 1696. A scarce and very

curious slang dictionary.

_Dictionnaire Comique, Satyrique, Critique, Burlesque, Libre et

Proverbial._ Avec une explication très-fidèle de toutes les

manières de parler Burlesques, Comiques, Libres, Satyriques,

Critiques et Proverbiales, qui peuvent se rencontrer dans les

meilleurs Auteurs, tant anciens que modernes. Par Philibert

Joseph Le Roux. Lyons, 1735. Other editions 1752 and 1786.

(The editor’s copy of this curious work was published by Michel

Charles le Cene, at Amsterdam, 1718, and was purchased in July

1889, at Sotheby’s sale of the Library of the Right Hon. and

Reverend the Earl of Buckinghamshire.)

_Le Poissardiana._ 1756.

_Amusements à la Grecque_, ou les Soirées de la Halle. Par un Ami de

feu Vadé. Paris, 1764.

_Amusements rapsodi-poétiques._ 1773.

_Nouveau Dictionnaire Proverbial, Satirique et Burlesque._ Plus

complet que ceux qui ont paru jusqu’à ce jour, à l’usage de tout

le monde. Par A. Caillot. Paris. Dauvin, 1826.

Illustrated by many interesting quotations from the old French

classical writers.

_Dictionnaire d’Argot_, ou la Langue des Voleurs devoilée, contenant

les moyens de se mettre en garde contre les Ruses des Filous.

Paris. 1830 (?)

_Histoire de Collet_ et de plusieurs autres Voleurs anciens et

modernes, suivie d’un Dictionnaire Argot-Francais. Paris, 1849.

_Macaroneana_, ou Mélange de Littérature Macaronique des différents

Peuples de l’Europe. Par Octave Delepierre. 1852.

_Etudes de Philologie comparée sur l’Argot._ Par Francisque Michel.

Paris. 1856.

_Dictionnaire d’Argot_, ou Etudes de Philologie comparée sur

l’Argot. Par Francisque Michel. Paris. 1856.

_Le Dictionnaire des Précieuses._ Par A. B. de Somaize. Nouvelle

edition par Ch. L. Livet. 1856.

_Récréations Philologiques._ Par F. Génin. Paris. 1858.

_Liber Vagatorum._ Der Betler Orden. The Book of Vagabonds and

Beggars, with a vocabulary of their Language. Now first

translated into English, with Notes, by John Camden Hotten. 4to.

London. 1859.――For an account of this work see Hotten’s _Slang

Dictionary_.

_Glossaire Erotique de la Langue Française._ Par Louis de Landes.

Bruxelles, 1861.

_Curiosités de l’Etymologie française._ Par Charles Nisard. Paris,

1863.

_Vocabulaire des Houilleurs Liégois._ Par S. Bormans. 1864.

_Dictionnaire de la Langue Verte_, par Alfred Delvau. Paris. Second

edition, 1867.

_Almanach de la Langue Verte pour l’année 1868_, à l’usage des Bons

Zigues.

_Almanach Chantant._ 1869.

_Dictionnaire Historique, Etymologique, et Anecdotique de l’Argot

Parisien._ Par L. Larchey. Paris, 1872. (There have been several

editions of this work).

_De quelques Parisianismes populaires et autres Locutions._ Par

Charles Nisard. Paris, 1876.

_Dictionnaire Historique l’Argot._ Par Lorédan Larchey. Paris, 1880.

_Dictionnaire d’Argot Moderne._ Par Lucien Rigaud. Paris, 1881.

_Dictionnaire de l’Argot des Typographes._ Par Eugène Boutmy. Paris,

1883.

_Dictionnaire de l’Argot Moderne._ Par L. Rigaud. Paris, 1883.

_Dictionnaire de la Langue Verte_, par Delvau et Fustier.

The last and best edition, with a supplement, was published in

Paris in 1883.

_L’Argot des Nomades en Basse-Brétagne._ Par N. Quellien. Paris,

1885.

_L’Argot des Nomades de la Basse-Brétagne._ Par N. Quellien. Paris,

1886.

_La Langue Verte du Troupier._ Par Léon Merlin. Paris, 1886.

_Le Jargon_, ou Langage de l’Argot reformé. Epinal. N.D.

_Paris Voleur._ Par Pierre Delcourt. Paris, 1887.

_Dictionnaire Erotique Moderne._ Par un Professeur de la langue

Verte. (Alfred Delvau.)

_Les Formules du Docteur Grégoire_, Dictionnaire du Figaro. Par A.

Decourcelle. Paris: J. Hetzel. No date.

An amusing satirical work, in which many humourous definitions

are arranged in the form of a dictionary.

_Histoire de la Prostitution_, par Léo Taxil. Paris. N.D.

_Argot and Slang_; a new French and English Dictionary of the Cant

Words, Quaint Expressions, Slang Terms and Flash Phrases used in

old and new Paris. By A. Barrère. London. Privately printed at

the Chiswick Press, by C. Whittingham and Co. 1887.

This splendid work contains historical notices of the various

canting languages, a number of songs both in French and English

slang, and a French translation of the Rev. J. W. Horsley’s

_Autobiography of a Thief in Thieves’ Language_.

M. Barrère gives a long list of the works he has consulted, and

in the body of his book brief extracts are given to show the

application and contexts of the examples.

――――

Books on foreign slang are very numerous. Besides those already

mentioned the following are well known:――“Le Jargon, ou Langage de

l’Argot reformé,” &c. (à Troyés), par Yves Girardin, 1660; another by

Antoine Dubois, 1680; “Le Jargon ou Langage de l’Argot reformé, pour

l’instruction des bons Grivois,” &c., à Lavergne, chex Mezière,

Babillandier du Grand Coëre, 1848; “Le Jargon de l’Argot,” par

Techener (several editions).

Alfred Delvau published his “Dictionnaire de la Langue Verte, Argots

Parisiens comparés,” in 1866, and a second edition in 1867. A third

“augmentée d’un supplément par G. Fustier” appeared in 1883. The same

author published the “Dictionnaire Erotique Moderne” in 1864. Other

editions followed in 1874 and 1875.

Lorédan Larchey wrote “Les Excentricités de la Langue Française” in

1860; the fourth edition appeared in 1862. In 1872 the title was

changed to “Dictionnaire Historique Etymologique et Anecdotique de

l’Argot Parisien. Sixième Edition des Excentricités du Langage mise à

la hauteur des Revolutions du Jour.” In 1880 the eighth edition was

called “Dictionnaire Historique d’Argot”; and a supplement appeared in

1883.

It has not been attempted here to give more than a brief bibliography

of the principal French works treating of _Argot_ in an explanatory,

or historical manner.

Those who wish to pursue the subject further, and to study examples,

must consult the old poems of Maitre Francois Villon and Molière, and

the writings of Rabelais, Beaumarchais, Eugene Sue, Victor Hugo, Emile

Zola, Champfleury, Honoré de Balzac, Pierre de Brantôme, Alphonse

Daudet, Emile Gaboriau, Charles Nodier, Jean Richepin, and the

classical Memoires de Monsieur Vidocq.

[Illustration]

CROSS READINGS.

A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION FROM CARDINAL RICHELIEU.

Mr. Campoa, Savoyard and Friar, of the holy order of St.

Bennet,

is to be the bearer to you of some news from me, by means of

this letter; he is one of the most discreet, wise, and least

vicious persons that I ever yet knew, amongst all I have conversed

with

and hath earnestly desired me to write to you in his favour,

and

to give him a letter for you of credence in his behalf and my

recommendation, which to his merit (I assure you) rather

than his

importunity, I have granted; for he deserves greatly your

esteem, and

I should be sorry you should be backward to oblige him by

being

mistaken in not knowing him, I should be concern’d if you

were

as very many others have been already upon that account,

who are of my best friends. Hence, and for no other

motive,

I am desirous to advertise you that you are obliged for my

sake

to take especial notice of him, to pay him all possible

respect,

and to say nothing before him that may offend or displease

him

in any sort; for I may truly say, he is a worthy man, and

assure you, there can’t be a more convincing argument of an

unworthy person in the world, than to be able to injure him.

I am sure, that as soon as you cease being a stranger to his

virtue, &

have any acquaintance with him, you will love him as well as

I, and

I shall receive thanks for the advice. The assurance I have of your

Civility hindereth me to write farther of him to you, or to

say

any more on the subject.

An invention of the like kind is the Jesuits Double-faced Creed, which

was published in the history of Popery, 1679, and which, according to

the different readings, may suit either Papist or Protestant.

THE JESUITS DOUBLE-FACED CREED.

I hold for faith What England’s church allows,

What Rome’s church saith My conscience disavows.

Where the king is head The flock can take no shame,

The flock’s misled Who hold the pope supreme.

Where the altar’s drest The worship’s scarce divine,

The people’s blest Whose table’s bread and wine.

He’s but an ass Who their communion flies,

Who shuns the mass Is catholic and wise.

IN LATIN.

Pro fide teneo sana Quae docet Anglicana

Affirmat quae Romana Videnter mihi vana,

Supremus quando rex est Tum plebs est fortunata,

Erraticus tum Grex est Cum caput fiat papa,

Altare cum ornatur Communio fit inanis,

Populus tum beatur Cum mensa vino panis,

Asini nomen meruit Hunc morem qui non capit,

Missam qui deseruit Catholicus est et sapit.

The following lines were found in the pocket of the Marquis of

Tullabardine on his death in July, 1746. Read across, the cause of the

Stuart family is advocated, whilst that of the Hanoverians is pleaded

if the short lines are read straight down.

I love wᵗʰ all my Heart The Stuart’s party Here

The Hanoverian part Most hateful doth appear

And for the Settlement I ever have denied

My Conscience gives Consent To be on Jemmy’s side

Most righteous is the Cause To be for such a King

To fight for George’s Laws Will Britain ruin bring

This is my Mind and Heart In this Opinion I

Tho’ none shoᵈ take my part Resolve to live and die.

TWO VIEWS OF MARRIED LIFE.

The first view is attained by reading the verses as they are printed,

the second view appears by reading the lines alternately, the first

and third, then the second and fourth.

That man must lead a happy life

Who is directed by a wife;

Who’s freed from matrimonial claims,

Is sure to suffer for his pains.

Adam could find no solid peace

Till he beheld a woman’s face;

When Eve was given for a mate,

Adam was in a happy state.

In all the female race appear

Truth, darling of a heart sincere;

Hypocrisy, deceit, and pride,

In woman never did reside.

What tongue is able to unfold

The worth in woman we behold?

The failings that in woman dwell

Are almost imperceptible.

Confusion take the men, I say,

Who no regard to women pay;

Who make the women their delight

Keep always reason in their sight.

A mangled and spoilt version of this very old poem was recently given

in _The Sporting Times_, (September 4, 1889), as original matter.

――――:o:――――

AUTUMN.

The melancholy days have come,

The saddest of the year;

Too warm, alas! for whiskey punch,

Too cold for lager beer.

Religious and Political Parodies.

Those parodies which deal with Religious and Political questions are

alike in that they are both of great antiquity, and that, no matter

how harmless they may be, they are sure to displease a certain

proportion of their readers. Thus the parodies that were published by

William Hone were both religious and political, and they gave great

offence to the supporters of the government of his day, yet any

history of English parody that should omit the parodies which gave

rise to his three trials would be ridiculously incomplete. It is

difficult to adequately treat of the topic without appearing to

ridicule that which to many appears too solemn for burlesque.

But in the following pages a broad distinction has been drawn, those

Parodies only have been admitted which, whilst imitating the form or

language of portions of the liturgy, have no tendency to ridicule

religion in itself, nor to burlesque any of its dogmas. It should be

remembered that much of the phraseology we associate with the Liturgy

is simply old fashioned English, such as was in common use at the time

the Scriptures were translated into English, and when the services of

the Church of England were first compiled. There can therefore be

nothing impious in applying similar language to other subjects, and

many eminent churchmen have used the liturgical forms of expression in

answering and ridiculing the arguments of their opponents.

There would be little difficulty in showing that in the matter of

Parodies no one creed has been less considerate of their neighbours

religious opinions than the Protestants, and that, from the days of

Luther, the Reformers have left no weapon unemployed which could, in

their opinion, do injury to the older form of Catholicism.

When that pattern of filial devotion, Mary the Second, came over with

her husband to dispossess her father of his kingdom, we read that he

who, with all his faults, had been a kind father, exclaimed “Heaven

help me, since even my own children desert me!” It was in the name of

holy Religion that James the Second was banished from this country,

and his enemies, to show how truly christianlike they were, addressed

the following poem to his daughter. In this, not content with

burlesquing one of the most beautiful portions of the Catholic Church

service, they compare this Mary, descended from the Stuarts, with the

Virgin Mary.

THE

PROTESTANTS AVE MARY,

on the

Arrival of Her most Gracious Majesty,

MARY,

QUEEN OF ENGLAND.

Hail all that’s Great or Good! and let the Hail

O’erspread Three Kingdoms, and like Truth prevail:

_Hail Mary!_ ’twas of old the Voice of Heaven;

Nor are we mortals of our share bereaven.

_Hail Mary full of Grace!_ speaks yet more clear,

Since ev’ry Virtue is Constellate here.

And all the Graces so entirely meet,

That nothing less could such a Princess greet.

Nor rest we here: _The Lord is with thee too_:

Or thy Great Lord could ne’er such Wonders do.

Wonders! may well th’ alarum’d World surprise;

It was of GOD, and Marvellous in our Eyes!

Wonders! as put its Motion to a stand,

And not His Finger speaks, but Mighty Hand.

Advance yet higher, and pursue the Hind;

_Blessed art thou amongst all Womankind:_

Since thou com’st cloath’d with Innocence and Peace,

And brings’t the Charms, to make our Tempests cease:

Since by thy virtues we shall now Retrieve

Our gasping Laws, and gain them a Reprieve.

Thy WILLIAM’S maintain’d Ray will restore,

_England_ the lustre it enjoy’d before;

Our shatter’d Liberties and Laws maintain,

And calmly anchor Church and State again.

But oh! We grieve, that yet, we can’t apply,

The last Division of that _Rosary_.

We Wish, we Hope, we Pray, and will Pray on,

Till we have gain’d Heaven’s Favour in a SON:

That then we may the whole Salute repeat,

And make our Joys, as well as that Compleat.

Ye Miter’d Heads assist, call to Assize

Your strongest zeals, and with them storm the Skies;

We know, that fervent Prayer did never fail,

And let _Rome_ know such Hereticks can prevail,

And with a Holy Violence pluck down,

A real Issue to support the Crown,

Whilst their addresses to _Loretto_ made,

Did only gain a Son in Masquerade.

Thus we, to our Great MARY, pay our Hails,

With Hearts as full, and swelling as her Sails;

Thanks Winds, and Seas, and Ships, that wafted o’er,

OUR BLESSED LADY to the British Shore.

But above all, thanks be to Heaven alone,

That led Her from a State, unto a Throne;

Where She will hold (guided by th’ Hand of God.)

The Dovelike Sceptre not an Iron Rod:

So our late model, she may them Reform;

And with true _English_ interest perform,

What _James_ first promis’d; and advance our Glory,

Beyond the Limits of Ancestral Story;

For what can’t England do, would she awake,

Give _Laws_ to _Europe_, and make Empires shake.

Keep Mistress of the Undisputed Maine,

And hold the Balance Just, ’twixt France and Spain;

And once more make her useless Cannons Roar,

Through both the _Indies_, and bring back their ore.

Search out new World, and Conquer old Ones too,

Bomb _Mexico_, and subjugate Peru:

Beard the proud _Sophy_, and the Grand _Mogul_,

These are the Rays would make thy Glory full.

Such mighty Acts, would make a Perfect Reign,

And our _Great_ WILLIAM Conquerour again.

* * * * *

Then visit _Monsieur_ with United Powers,

See _Paris_ too, and humble her high Towers;

Storm the _Bastile_, possess the _Louvre_ too;

What can’t _Great_ WILLIAM and _Bright_ MARY do!

Thus may’st thou Conquer, and _Amen_ all say,

Thus may’st thou reign, while we our Homage pay,

And make thy entry, our Great _Lady-Day_.

This poem is dated “_London, 1689_. Printed for _R. Baldin_ near the

Black-Bull in the Old Baily.”

An even earlier Parody, having a religious motive, may be found in

“_The Temple_. Sacred Poems by Mr. George Herbert.” First printed at

Cambridge in 1633, it is entitled

A PARODIE.

Souls joy, when thou art gone,

And I alone,

Which cannot be,

Because thou dost abide with me,

And I depend on thee;

Yet when thou dost suppresse

The cheerfulnesse

Of thy abode,

And in my powers not stirre abroad,

But leave me to my load:

O what a damp and shade

Doth me invade!

No stormie night

Can so afflict or so affright,

As thy eclipsed light.

* * * * *

The Parody of Scripture may be raised above mere travesty by a vein of

earnestness in the motive. Luther intended no violence to the first

Psalm when he thus parodied it:――

“Blessed is the man that hath not walked in the way of the

Sacramentarians, nor sat in the seat of the Zuringlians, nor

followed in the Council of the Zurichers.”

The same may be said of Dr. Norman Macleod’s parody of the first

chapter of Genesis:――

“Perhaps the men of science would do well, in accordance

with the latest scientific results, and especially the

‘meteoric theory’ to re-write the first chapter of Genesis

in this way:――

1. The earth was without form and void.

2. A meteor fell upon the earth.

3. The result was fish, flesh, and fowl.

4. From these proceeded the British Association.

5. And the British Association pronounced it tolerably good.”

――――:o:――――

William Hone’s Three Trials.

In the year 1817 William Hone, a printer and publisher in the Old

Bailey, London, was prosecuted by the Government for having printed

and published three parodies, the first was _John Wilkes’s Catechism

of a Ministerial Member_, the second was _The Political Litany_, and

the third was _The Sinecurist’s Creed_.

The first trial was held in the Guildhall, on December 17, 1817,

before Mr. Justice Abbott and a Special Jury; the second, also in the

Guildhall, on December 19, 1817, before Lord Ellenborough and a

Special Jury, and the third in the same place and before the same

judge, on December 20, 1817.

In each case all the influence of Court and Government was brought to

bear against Mr. Hone, the Attorney-General prosecuted, and the judges

were distinctly adverse to the defendant. Notwithstanding all this,

and that Mr. Hone, who defended himself without legal assistance, was

in feeble health, in each case the Juries returned a verdict of NOT

GUILTY, and their decisions were received with delight and applause by

the London populace.

Mr. Hone, in his defence, contended that the parodies were harmless in

themselves, were not intended to ridicule religion or the scriptures,

and were written for purely political motives. He further contended,

and indeed, proved by extracts, that parodies of a far more

objectionable character than his were daily published without let or

hindrance, provided that they were in favour of the Government, or

written to abuse its opponents.

Directly after the trials Hone published a full account of them, with

his defences, and a quantity of entertaining reading on the subject of

religious and political parodies. This book had an enormous sale, it

has also been recently reprinted by the _Freethought Publishing

Company_, so that copies of it can readily be obtained.

It will therefore suffice to give only the parodies themselves here,

without the evidence and speeches of the trials.

JOHN WILKES’S CATECHISM.

The late John Wilkes’s Catechism of a Ministerial Member; taken from

an Original Manuscript in Mr. Wilkes’s Handwriting, never before

printed,[339] and adapted to the Present Occasion. With permission.

London: Printed for one of the Candidates for the Office of Printer to

the King’s Most Excellent Majesty, and Sold by William Hone, 55, Fleet

Street, and 67, Old Bailey. Three Doors from Ludgate Hill. 1817. Price

Two-pence.

A Catechism, that is to say, An Instruction, to be learned of every

person before he be brought to be confirmed a Placeman or Pensioner by

the Minister.

_Question._ What is your name?

_Answer._ Lick Spittle.

Q. Who gave you this name?

A. My Sureties to the Ministry, in my Political Change, wherein I

was made a Member of the Majority, the Child of Corruption, and a

Locust to devour the good Things of this Kingdom.

Q. What did your Sureties then for you?

A. They did promise and vow three things in my Name. First, that I

should renounce the Reformists and all their Works, the pomps and

vanity of Popular Favour, and all the sinful lusts of Independence.

Secondly, that I should believe all the Articles of the Court Faith.

And thirdly, that I should keep the Minister’s sole Will and

Commandments, and walk in the same, all the days of my life.

Q. Dost thou not think that thou art bound to believe and to do as

they have promised for thee?

A. Yes, verily, and for my own sake, so I will; and I heartily thank

our heaven-born Ministry, that they have called me to this state of

elevation, through my own flattery, cringing, and bribery; and I

shall pray to their successors to give me their assistance, that I

may continue the same unto my life’s end.

Q. Rehearse the Articles of thy Belief.

A. I believe in GEORGE, the Regent Almighty, Maker of New Streets,

and Knights of the Bath,

And in the present Ministry, his only choice, who were conceived of

Toryism, brought forth of WILLIAM PITT, suffered loss of Place under

CHARLES JAMES FOX, were execrated, dead, and buried. In a few months

they rose again from their minority; they re-ascended to the

Treasury benches, and sit at the right hand of a little man with a

large wig; from whence they laugh at the Petitions of the People who

may pray for Reform, and that the sweat of their brow may procure

them Bread.

I believe that King James the Second was a legitimate Sovereign, and

that King William the Third was not; that the Pretender was of the

right line; and that George the Third’s grandfather was not; that

the dynasty of Bourbon is immortal! and that the glass in the eye of

Lord James Murray was not Betty Martin. I believe in the immaculate

purity of the Committee of Finance, in the independence of the

Committee of Secresy, and that the Pitt System is everlasting, Amen.

Q. What dost thou chiefly learn in these Articles of thy Belief?

A. First, I learn to forswear all conscience, which was never meant

to trouble me, nor the rest of the tribe of Courtiers. Secondly, to

swear black is white, or white black, according to the good pleasure

of the Ministers. Thirdly, to put on the helmet of Impudence, the

only armour against the shafts of Patriotism.

Q. You said that your Sureties did promise for you, that you should

keep the Minister’s Commandments: tell me how many there be?

A. Ten.

Q. Which be they?

A. The same to which the Minister for the time being always obliges

all his creatures to swear, I, the Minister, am the Lord thy liege,

who brought thee out of Want and Beggary, into the House of Commons.

I. Thou shalt have no other Patron but me.

II. Thou shalt not support any measure but mine, nor shalt thou

frame clauses of any bill in its progress to the House above, or in

the Committee beneath, or when the mace is under the table, except

it be mine. Thou shalt not bow to Lord COCHRANE, nor shake hands

with him, nor any other of my real opponents; for I thy Lord am a

jealous Minister, and forbid familiarity of the Majority, with the

Friends of the People, unto the third and fourth cousins of them

that divide against me; and give places, and thousands and tens of

thousands, to them that divide with me, and keep my Commandments.

III. Thou shalt not take the Pension of thy Lord the Minister in

vain; for I the Minister will force him to accept the Chilterns that

taketh my Pension in vain.

IV. Remember that thou attend the Minister’s Levee day; on other

days thou shalt speak for him in the House, and fetch and carry, and

do all that he commandeth thee to do; but the Levee day is for the

glorification of the Minister thy Lord: In it thou shalt do no work

in the House, but shalt wait upon him, thou, and thy daughter, and

thy wife, and the Members that are within his influence; for on

other days the Minister is inaccessible, but delighteth in the Levee

day; wherefore the Minister appointed the Levee day, and chatteth

thereon familiarly, and is amused with it.

V. Honour the Regent and the helmets of the Life Guards, that thy

stay may be long in the Place, which the Lord thy Minister giveth

thee.

VI. Thou shalt not call starving to death murder.

VII. Thou shalt not call Royal gallivanting adultery.

VIII. Thou shalt not say, that to rob the Public is to steal.

IX. Thou shalt bear false witness against the people.

X. Thou shalt not covet the People’s applause, thou shalt not covet

the People’s praise, nor their good name, nor their esteem, nor

their reverence, nor any reward that is theirs.

Q. What dost thou chiefly learn by these Commandments?

A. I learn two things――my duty towards the Minister, and my duty

towards myself.

Q. What is thy duty towards the Minister?

A. My duty towards the Minister is, to trust him as much as I can;

to fear him; to honour him with all my words, with all my bows, with

all my scrapes, and all my cringes; to flatter him; to give him

thanks; to give up my whole soul to him; to idolize his name, and

obey his word; and serve him blindly all the days of his political

life.

Q. What is thy duty towards thyself?

A. My duty towards myself is to love nobody but myself, and to do

unto most men what I would not that they should do unto me; to

sacrifice unto my own interest even my father and mother; to pay

little reverence to the King, but to compensate that omission by my

servility to all that are put in authority under him; to lick the

dust under the feet of my superiors, and to shake a rod of iron over

the backs of my inferiors; to spare the People by neither word nor

deed; to observe neither truth nor justice in my dealings with them;

to bear them malice and hatred in my heart; and where their wives

and properties are concerned, to keep my body neither in temperance,

soberness, nor chastity, but to give my hands to picking and

stealing, and my tongue to evil speaking and lying, and slander of

their efforts to defend their liberties and recover their rights;

never failing to envy their privileges, and to learn to get the

Pensions of myself and my colleagues out of the People’s labour, and

to do my duty in that department of public plunder unto which it

shall please the Minister to call me.

Q. My good Courtier, know this, that thou art not able of thyself to

preserve the Minister’s favour, nor to walk in his Commandments, nor

to serve him, without his special protection; which thou must at all

times learn to obtain by diligent application. Let me hear,

therefore, if thou canst rehearse the Minister’s Memorial.

_Answer._

Our Lord who art in the Treasury, whatsoever be thy name, thy power

be prolonged, thy will be done throughout the empire, as it is in

each session. Give us our usual sops, and forgive us our occasional

absences on divisions; as we promise not to forgive them that divide

against thee. Turn us not out of our places; but keep us in the

House of Commons, the land of Pensions and Plenty; and deliver us

from the People. Amen.

Q. What desirest thou of the Minister in this Memorial?

A. I desire the Minister, our Patron, who is the disposer of the

Nation’s overstrained Taxation, to give his protection unto me and

to all Pensioners and Placemen, that we may vote for him, serve him,

and obey him, as far as we find it convenient; and I beseech the

Minister that he will give us all things that be needful, both for

our reputation and appearance in the House and out of it; that he

will be favourable to us, and forgive us our negligence; that it

will please him to save and defend us, in all dangers of life and

limb, from the People, our natural enemies; and that he will help us

in fleecing and grinding them; and this I trust he will do out of

care for himself, and our support of him through our corruption and

influence; and therefore I say Amen. So be it.

Q. How many Tests hath the Minister ordained?

A. Two only, as generally necessary to elevation; (that is to say)

Passive Obedience and Bribery.

Q. What meanest thou by this word Test?

A. I mean an outward visible sign of an inward intellectual

meanness, ordained by the Minister himself as a pledge to assure him

thereof.

Q. How many parts are there in this Test?

A. Two; the outward visible sign, and the intellectual meanness.

Q. What is the outward visible sign or form of Passive Obedience?

A. Dangling at the Minister’s heels, whereby the person is degraded

beneath the baseness of a slave, in the character of a Pensioner,

Placeman, Expectant Parasite, Toadeater, or Lord of the Bedchamber.

Q. What is the inward intellectual meanness?

A. A death unto Freedom, a subjection unto perpetual Thraldom; for

being by nature born free, and the children of Independence, we are

hereby made children of Slavery.

Q. What is required of persons submitting to the Test of Passive

Obedience?

A. Apostacy, whereby they forsake Liberty; and faith, whereby they

stedfastly believe the promises of the Minister, made to them upon

submitting to that Test.

Q. Why was the Test of Bribery ordained?

A. For the continual support of the Minister’s influence, and the

feeding of us, his needy creatures and sycophants.

Q. What is the outward part or sign in the Test of Bribery?

A. Bank notes, which the Minister hath commanded to be offered by

his dependants.

Q. Why then are beggars submitted to this Test, when by reason of

their poverty they are not able to go through the necessary forms?

A. Because they promise them by their Sureties; which promise, when

they come to lucrative offices, they themselves are bound to

perform.

Q. What is the inward part, or thing signified?

A. The industry and wealth of the People, which are verily and

indeed taken and had by Pensioners and Sinecurists, in their

Corruption.

Q. What are the benefits whereof you are partakers thereby?

A. The weakening and impoverishing the People, through the loss of

their Liberty and Property, while our wealth becomes enormous, and

our pride intolerable.

Q. What is required of them who submit to the Test of Bribery and

Corruption?

A. To examine themselves, whether they repent them truly of any

signs of former honour and patriotism, stedfastly purposing

henceforward to be faithful towards the Minister; to draw on and off

like his glove, to crouch to him like a spaniel; to purvey for him

like a jackall; to be as supple to him as Alderman Sir WILLIAM

TURTLE; to have the most lively faith in the Funds, especially in

the Sinking Fund; to believe the words of Lord CASTLEREAGH alone; to

have remembrance of nothing but what is in the Courier; to hate

MATTHEW WOOD, the present Lord Mayor, and his second Mayoralty; with

all our heart, with all our mind, with all our soul, and with all

our strength; to admire Sir JOHN SILVESTER, the Recorder, and Mr.

JOHN LANGLEY; and to be in charity with those only who have

something to give.

[_Here endeth the Catechism._]

――――

THE POLITICAL LITANY.

¶ _Here followeth the Litany, or General Supplication, to be

said or sung at all times when thereunto especially moved._

O Prince, ruler of the people, have mercy upon us thy miserable

subjects.

_O Prince, ruler, &c._

O House of Lords, hereditary legislators, have mercy upon us,

pension-paying subjects.

_O House of Lords, &c._

O House of Commons, proceeding from corrupt borough-mongers, have

mercy upon us, your should-be constituents.

_O House of Commons, &c._

O gracious, noble, right honourable, and learned rulers of our land,

three estates in one state, have mercy upon us, a poverty-stricken

people.

_O gracious, noble, &c._

Remember not, most gracious, most noble, right honourable, and

honourable gentlemen, our past riches, nor the riches of our

forefathers; neither continue to tax us according to our long-lost

ability――spare us, good rulers; spare the people who have supported

ye with their labour, and spilt their most precious blood in your

quarrels; O consume us not utterly,

_Spare us, good Prince_.

From an unnational debt; from unmerited pensions and sinecure

places; from an extravagant civil list; and from utter starvation,

_Good Prince, deliver us_.

From the blind imbecility of ministers; from the pride and

vain-glory of warlike establishments in time of peace,

_Good Prince, deliver us_.

From all the deadly sins attendant on a corrupt method of election;

from all the deceits of the pensioned hirelings of the press,

_Good Prince, deliver us_.

From taxes levied by distress; from jails crowded with debtors; from

poor-houses overflowing with paupers,

_Good Prince, deliver us_.

From a Parliament chosen only by one-tenth of the taxpayers; from

taxes raised to pay wholesale human butchers their subsidies; from

the false doctrines, heresy, and schism, which have obscured our

once-glorious constitution; from conspiracies against the liberty of

the people; and from obstacles thrown in the way of the exertion of

our natural and constitutional rights,

_Good Prince, deliver us_.

By your feelings as men; by your interests as members of civil

society; by your duty as Christians,

_O Rulers, deliver us_.

By the deprivation of millions――by the sighs of the widow――by the

tears of the orphan――by the groans of the aged in distress――by the

wants of all classes in the community, except your own and your

dependents,

_O Rulers, deliver us_.

In this time of tribulation――in this time of want of labour to

thousands, and of unrequited labour to tens of thousands――in this

time of sudden death from want of food,

_O Rulers, deliver us_.

We people do beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers; and that it may please

ye to rule and govern us constitutionally in the right way;

_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.

That it may please ye to keep yourselves in all sobriety,

temperance, and honesty of life――that ye spend not extravagantly the

money raised from the production of our labours, nor take for

yourselves that which ye need not;

_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.

That it may please ye to keep your hearts in fear of oppression, and

in love of justice; and that ye may evermore have affiance in our

affection, rather than in the bayonets of an hired soldiery;

_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.

That it may please ye to be our defenders and keepers, giving us the

victory over all our enemies, and redressing the grievances under

which we labour;

_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.

That it may please ye to lessen the cares of the world unto all

Bishops and Church Dignitaries; giving their superabundance to the

poor clergy, and no longer taxing us for their support;

_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.

That it may please ye to place within the bounds of economy the

expenditure of all the Royal Family;

_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.

That it may please ye to deprive the Lords of the Council, and all

the nobility, of all money paid out of the taxes which they have not

earned;

_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.

That it may please ye to direct all Magistrates to give up their

advanced salaries, which the times no longer render necessary, and

to content themselves with their former stipends;

_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.

That it may please ye to bless all the people with equal

representation, and to keep them safe from borough-mongering

factions;

_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.

That it may please ye so to govern us, that unity, peace, and

concord, may prevail throughout the nation, and the voice of tumult

and dissatisfaction be no more heard in our streets;

_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.

That it may please ye to give unto all people all their rights as

citizens, whatever may be the mode in which their consciences may

impel them to worship their Creator, and whatever the creed to which

their judgments assent;

_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.

That it may please ye to bring into the way of truth those apostates

who have erred therefrom, and have deceived us;

_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.

That it may please ye to strengthen all such as do stand up for the

legal and constitutional rights of the people; to comfort and help

the weak-hearted, who want courage in our behalf; to raise up such

as do fall; and, finally, to beat down corruption under our feet;

_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.

That it may please ye not to tax “until the brow of labour sweats in

vain;” but to succour and comfort all that are in necessity and

tribulation;

_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.

That it may please ye to shew pity to all who are prisoners and

captives for the people’s sake, or through the oppressive expenses

of the laws;

_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.

That it may please ye to appropriate the 200,000l. annually paid to

Members of Parliament, contrary to an ancient law, as a provision

for fatherless children and widows, and all that are desolate and

oppressed;

_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.

That it may please ye to have mercy upon us all;

_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.

That it may please ye to turn the hearts of our enemies,

persecutors, and slanderers, by withdrawing their pensions and

emoluments, that they may no longer call us a “rabble,” the “swinish

multitude,” or “ragamuffins,” but may once more style us “the real

strength of the nation,”――“the body, without which a head is

useless;”

_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.

That it may please ye to give and preserve to our use the kindly

fruits of the earth, untaxed by men in black, whom those who wish

for their instruction ought alone to support;

_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.

That it may please ye to abolish and destroy all sinecure places,

and worthless pensions; to utterly purge and root out all

wrong-doers; to thoroughly correct the present misrepresentation of

the people, by an effectual Reform in Parliament; and otherwise to

do, or cause to be done, such further and other acts and deeds, as

shall or may conduce to the true interest and benefit of the whole

commonwealth;

_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.

That it may please ye to lead and strengthen GEORGE Prince of Wales,

our present REGENT, in the true fear and knowledge of the principles

whereon the people of this commonwealth placed their crown on the

head of his ancestors, and continue it towards him; and that it may

please ye, as much as in ye lie, to keep and defend him from battle

and murder, and sudden death, and from fornication, and all other

deadly sin;

_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.

That it may please ye to put on short allowance all Bishops,

Priests, and Deacons, that their fleshly appetites being reduced,

their spiritual-mindedness may be thereby increased and so that both

by their preaching and living they may set it forth, and show it

accordingly;

_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.

That it may please ye to take to yourselves true repentance,

inasmuch as ye have erred from the way of your forefathers; and

amend your method of governing according to our free constitution;

_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.

Son of George, we beseech thee to hear us.

_Son of George, we beseech thee, &c._

O House of Lords, that takest away so many tens of thousands of

pounds in pensions,

_Have mercy upon us_.

O House of Commons, that votest away the money of the whole nation,

instead of that of those only who elect you;

_Have mercy upon us_.

O Prince, hear us.

_O Prince, hear us._

George, have mercy upon us.

_George, have mercy upon us._

O House of Lords, have mercy upon us.

_O House of Lords, have mercy upon us._

O House of Commons, have mercy upon us.

_O House of Commons, have mercy upon us._

[_Here endeth the Litany._]

――――

¶ THE COLLECT TO BE USED BY HIS MAJESTY’S MINISTERS

_Beginneth thus_:

Lighten our darkness, we beseech thee, &c.

_¶ By whom the following may be used in ordinary._

The Grace of our Lord GEORGE the PRINCE REGENT, and the Love of

LOUIS the XVIII., and the fellowship of the Pope, be with us all

evermore. _Amen._

――――:o:――――

THE SINECURIST’S CREED OR BELIEF.

¶ _Upon all suitable occasions may be sung or said the following

CONFESSION――upstanding and uncovered._

_Quicunque vult._

Whosoever will be a Sinecurist: before all things it is necessary

that he hold a place of profit.

Which place except every Sinecurist do receive the salary for, and

do no service: without doubt it is no Sinecure.

And a Sinecurist’s duty is this: that he divide with the Ministry

and be with the Ministry in a Majority.

Neither confounding the Persons, nor dividing with the Opposition.

For there is One Ministry of Old Bags,[340] another of Derry Down

Triangle:[341] and another of the Doctor.[342] But the Ministry of

Old Bags, of Derry Down Triangle,[343] and of the Doctor, is all

one: the folly equal, the profusion coeternal.

Such as Old Bags is, such is Derry Down Triangle: and such is the

Doctor.

Old Bags a Mountebank, Derry Down Triangle a Mountebank: the Doctor

a Mountebank.

Old Bags incomprehensible, Derry Down Triangle incomprehensible: the

Doctor incomprehensible.

Old Bags a Humbug, Derry Down Triangle a Humbug: and the Doctor a

Humbug.

And yet they are not three Humbugs: but one Humbug.

As also they are not three incomprehensibles, nor three Mountebanks:

but one Mountebank, and one incomprehensible.

So likewise Old Bags is All-twattle,[344] Derry Down Triangle

All-twattle: and the Doctor All-twattle.

And yet they are not three All-twattles: but one All-twattle.

So Old Bags is a Quack, Derry Down Triangle is a Quack: and the

Doctor is a Quack.

And yet they are not three Quacks: but one Quack.

So likewise Old Bags is a Fool, Derry Down Triangle is a Fool: and

the Doctor is a Fool.

And yet not three Fools: but one Fool.

For like as we are compelled by real verity to acknowledge every

Minister by himself to be Quack and Fool;

So are we forbidden by state etiquette to say there be three Quacks,

or three Fools.

Derry Down Triangle is made of none: neither born nor begotten.

Old Bags is of himself alone; a Lawyer bred, a Lord created, by the

Father begotten.

The Doctor is of Old Bags, and of Derry Down Triangle: neither made,

nor created, nor begotten, but proceeding.

So there is one Old Bags, not three Old Bags: one Derry Down

Triangle, not three Triangles: one Doctor, not three Doctors.

And in this ministry none is afore or after the other: none is

greater or less than another.

But the whole three Ministers are co-Charlatans together, and

co-Tricksters.

So that, in all things, as is aforesaid: the Majority with the

Ministry, and the Ministry in the Majority, is to be worshipped.

He therefore that will be a Sinecurist, must thus think of the

Ministry.

Furthermore it is necessary to his Sinecure’s preservation: that he

also believe rightly the mystification of Derry Down Triangle.

For the Sinecurist’s right faith is, that he believe and confess:

that Derry Down Triangle, the _queue_ of the Ministry of the great

man now no more, is now both Minister and Manager.

Minister, first selling the substance of his own country to this:

Manager scattering the substance of this over all the world;

Perfect Knave and perfect Fool: of unsparing despotic views――on

overstrained taxation subsisting;

Equal to Old Bags as touching grave Trickery: and inferior to the

Doctor as touching his Mummery.

Who although he be Knave and Fool, yet he is not two, but one

Minister;

One; not by a conversion of the Charlatan into the Minister; but by

shooting a more showy juggler, who wanted, and still wants, to be a

Minister.

One altogether; squandering in profusion our substance: by votes of

corrupt Majorities.

For as by power of Dupery, and our Money, he makes whom he will his

own; so by Intrigue and Cajolery, he is Minister:――

Who to talk for our Salvation, descended to kiss the Nethermost End

of Tally-high-ho; and rose again as a giant refreshed;

He ascended into a higher place, he sitteth at the right hand of the

Chair; from whence he shall hear how those who being starved――‘by

the Visitation of God’――became Dead.

At whose nodding all Sinecurists shall rise again, and again; and

with their voices cry Aye! Aye! and the Laureate[345] in token of

joy, shall mournfully chaunt the most doleful Lay in his Works.

And they that have said Aye! Aye! shall go into place everlasting;

and they that have said No! shall go into everlasting Minorities.

And COLERIDGE shall have a Jew’s Harp, and a Rabbinical Talmud, and

a Roman Missal: and WORDSWORTH shall have a Psalter, and a Primer,

and a Reading Easy; and unto SOUTHEY’S pension Sack-but shall be

duly added: and with Harp, Sack-but, and Psaltery, they shall make

merry, and discover themselves before Derry Down Triangle, and HUM

his most gracious Master, whose Kingdom shall have no end.

This is the Sinecurist’s duty, from doing more than which, except he

abstain faithfully, he cannot be a Sinecurist.

¶ Glory be to old Bags, and to Derry Down Triangle, and to the

Doctor.

As it was in the Beginning, is now, and ever shall be, if such

_things_ be, without end. _Amen._

[_Here endeth the Creed or Belief._]

――――

Hone was then a poor, friendless man, whom the Government meant to

crush by fine and imprisonment in case of conviction. But his

triumphant acquittal on each of the three trials had effects exactly

opposite to those they anticipated. The legality of his publications

being fully established, and public curiosity being aroused, large

numbers of the tracts were sold; Hone, instead of being ruined, found

himself the hero of the day, with public sympathy in his favour, and a

rapidly increasing business. The popular Alderman, Robert Waithman,

M.P. for London, interested himself in the case, and presided over a

public meeting at which the following resolutions were passed:――

At a MEETING of the FRIENDS of the LIBERTY of the PRESS and

TRIAL by JURY, held at the City of London Tavern, on Monday,

December 29, 1817,

Mr. WAITHMAN in the Chair,

Resolved unanimously,

1. That the Liberty of the Press is one of the dearest rights and

proudest distinctions of Englishmen, and is inseparably connected

with, and wholly dependent on the purity of the Trial by Jury.

2. That the inestimable importance of the sacred and constitutional

right of Trial by Jury has never been more demonstratively proved than

by the recent prosecutions and honourable acquittals of Mr. William

Hone.

3. That Parodies on Scripture having been written and published by

Martin Luther, the Father of the Reformation, by Dignitaries of the

Church, and by other eminent and learned personages down to the

present time, we are persuaded that the exception taken to the

parodies of Mr. Hone by the present Ministers of the Crown was to

answer political purposes against the Liberty of the Press.

4. That a hypocritical prostitution of Religion, and a pretended zeal

for its defence, when used by corrupt Statesmen as a mask for

political persecution, must ever be held by all sincere Christians as

the worst profanation of its sacred name.

5. That it is evident, from the manner in which those prosecutions

were commenced and conducted, that the real object of Ministers was

not to protect Religion, but to crush an apparently defenceless

individual who had exposed their political delinquencies, to stifle

public discussion, to destroy the Liberty of the Press, and to uphold

existing abuse.

6. That the extensive knowledge, the varied talents, the manly

intrepidity, the energy of mind, and the unshaken perseverance, which

enabled Mr. Willian Hone so dauntlessly to resist the reiterated

assaults of Ministerial persecution, entitle him to the gratitude and

support of every friend to constitutional freedom.

7. That a subscription be now opened, and that the money which may be

subscribed be placed in the hands of a Committee, to be used in such

way as shall appear to them best calculated to promote the permanent

welfare of Mr. Hone and his family.

8. That the following Gentlemen be of the Committee――Alderman

Goodbehere, Alderman Thorp, Robert Waithman, Joseph Hurcombe, William

Sturch, Samuel Brooks, William Williams, William Teasdale.

9. That Robert Waithman, Esq., be the Treasurer.

10. That the Thanks of this Meeting are due to Sir Francis Burdett,

Bart., for his spontaneous offers of cooperation with the Gentlemen

originating the Subscription, in strict conformity with a life of pure

patriotism and love of country.

11. That the Thanks of this Meeting are hereby cordially given to Mr.

Charles Pearson, for his manly and successful struggle in correcting

the corrupt system of packing Juries, which has contributed so

essentially toward the present triumph; and especially for the

gratuitous advice and assistance given to Mr. Hone throughout the

whole of the prosecutions, affording a rare example to his profession

of zeal, independance, and disinterestedness.

12. That the Thanks of this Meeting be given to Lord Cochrane, for his

zealous endeavours on the present occasion.

ROBERT WAITHMAN, Chairman.

13. That the Thanks of this Meeting be given to Mr. Waithman, for his

conduct in the Chair, and for his exertions upon all occasions to

support the cause of liberty.

W. STURCH.

[Illustration]

PALINODE, 1600.

_Amorphus and Phantaste._

_Amo._ From Spanish shrugs, French faces, smirks, irps, and all

affected humours,

CHORUS――_Good Mercury, defend us_.

_Pha._ From secret friends, sweet servants, loves, doves, and such

phantastique humours,

_Good Mercury, defend us_.

_Amo._ From stabbing of arms, flap-dragons, healths, whiffes, and

all such swaggering humours,

_Good Mercury, defend us_.

_Pha._ From waving fannes, coy glances, glickes, cringes, and all

such simpering humours,

_Good Mercury, defend us_.

_Amo._ From making love by attorney, courting of puppets, and paying

for new acquaintance,

_Good Mercury, deliver us_.

_Pha._ From perfumed dogs, monkeys, sparrows, and parachitoes,

_Good Mercury, defend us_.

_Amo._ From wearing bracelets of hair, shoe-ties, gloves, garters,

and rings with posies,

_Good Mercury, defend us_.

_Pha._ From pargetting, painting, slicking, glazing, and renewing

old rivelled faces,

_Good Mercury, defend us_.

_Amo._ From squiring to tilt-yards, play houses, pageants, and all

such public places,

_Good Mercury, defend us_.

_Pha._ From entertaining one gallant to gull another, and make fools

of either,

_Good Mercury, defend us._

_Amo._ From belying ladies’ favours, nobleman’s countenance, coining

counterfeit employments, vainglorious taking to them other

men’s services, and all self-loving humours,

_Good Mercury, defend us._

From _Cynthia’s Revels_, by Ben Jonson.

This satire was first acted in the year 1600, by the children of Queen

Elizabeth’s Chapel, with permission of the master of the revels, the

passage above quoted is one of the earliest imitations of the Church

of England services, as by Law established.

――――:o:――――

The following examples are taken from “_The Rump_; or, an exact

Collection of the Choycest _Poems_ and _Songs_ relating to the Late

Times. By the most Eminent Wits, from _Anno_ 1639 to _Anno_ 1661.”

London, 1662.

These poems were all written by the Cavaliers in support of Arbitrary

power in Church and State, and against the Commonwealthmen, Puritans,

and Dissenters:

A LETANY FOR THE NEW YEAR.

From all and more than I have written here,

I wish you well protected this New Year;

From Civil War, and such uncivil things

As ruine Law and Gospel, Priests and Kings;

From those who for self-ends would all betray,

From such new Saints that pistol when they pray,

From flattering Faces with infernal Souls,

From new Reformers, such as pull down Pauls,

From linsey-wolsey Lords, from Town-betrayers,

From Apron-preachers and Extempore Prayers,

From Pulpit Blasphemy, and bold Rebellion,

From Blood and――something else that I could tell ye on,

From new False Teachers which destroy the old,

From those that turn the Gospel into Gold,

From that black Pack where Clubs are always Trump,

From Bodies Politique and from the Rump,

From those that ruine when they should repair,

From such as cut off Heads instead of Hair,

From twelve-months Taxes and Abortive Votes.

From chargeable Nurse-Children in red Coats,

From such as sell their Souls to save their Sums,

From City Charters that make heads for Drums,

From Magistrates which have no truth or knowledge,

From the Red Students now in Gresham College,

From Governments erected by the Rabble,

From sweet Sir Arthur’s Knights of the round Table.

From City-Saints whose Anagram is Stains,

From Plots and being choak’d with our own Chains,

From these and ten times more which may ensue,

The _Poet_ prays, _Good Lord deliver you_.

――――

THE CITY OF LONDON’S NEW LETANY.

From Rumps that do Rule against Customes and Laws,

From a fardle of Fancies stil’d a Good Old Cause,

From Wives that have nails which are sharper than claws,

_Good Jove, deliver us_.

From Men who seek right where it’s not to be had,

From such who seek good where all things are bad,

From Wise Men far worse than fools or men mad,

_Good Jove, &c._

From Soldiers that wrack the poor out of doors,

From Rumps that stuff Coffers to pleasure their Whores,

Which they secretly squeeze from Commonwealth scores,

_Good Jove, &c._

From Knaves that doe pocket good Subjects estates,

From such that give Plaisters when they’ve broken our Pates,

From Rumps that do Vote down our Postes, Chaines and Gates,

_Good Jove, &c._

From souldiers who mutiny for want of their pay,

And at last go sneaking without it away,

Crying, they hope for a far better day,

_Good Jove, &c._

From one who brought Forces to fill up the Town,

That when _Rumps_ were at highest he might pull them down.

Because he himself doth aim at the Crown,

_Good Jove, &c._

* * * * *

From men who make use of their Friends in the nick,

And when the Brunt’s over against them do kick,

The thoughts of such Varlets do make my _Muse_ sick,

_Good night, good people all_!

In the same collection there are several other imitations of less

interest, one commences thus:

From Villany drest in the Doublet of Zeal,

From three Kingdoms bak’d in one Common weal,

From a gleek of _Lord Keepers_ of one poor Seal,

_Libera nos, &c._

Another thus:

That if it please thee to assist

Our Agitators, and their List,

And _Hemp_ them with a gentle twist,

_Quesumus te, &c._

That it may please thee to suppose

Our actions are as good as those

That gull the people through the Nose,

_Quesumus, te, &c._

And two others, the refrain of one being:

From a Rump insatiate as the Sea,

_Libera nos Domine_.

and of the other:

From Fools and Knaves, in our Parliament free

_Libera nos Domine_.

――――:o:――――

The following is taken from the “_Collection of the newest and most

ingenious Poems, &c. against Popery_,” in quarto, published soon after

the Revolution, it refers to the birth of the son of James II.,

afterwards styled the Pretender.

A NEW PROTESTANT LITANY.

From Cobweb-Lawn Charters, from sham-freedom banters,

Our Liberty-keepers and new Gospel-planters,

And the trusty kind hands of our great Quo Warrantos,

_Libera Nos, &c._

From High-Court Commissions, to Rome to re-join us,

From a Rhadamanth Chancellor, the Western Judge Minos,

Made Head of our Church by new Jure Divino’s,

_Libera Nos, &c._

From a new-found Stone Doublet, to th’ old Sleeve of Lawn,

And all to make room for the Pope-Lander-Spawn;

To see a Babe born, through bed-curtains close drawn,

_Libera Nos, &c._

From resolving o’er night, where to lye-in to-morrow,

And from cunning back-door to let Midwife thorow,

Eight months ful-grown man child, born without pang or sorrow,

_Libera Nos, &c._

From a God-father Pope, to the Heir of a Throne;

From three Christian names to one Sir-name unknown,

With a Tyler milch-nurse, now the Mother’s milk’s gone,

_Libera Nos, &c._

There was one in the second part of the same Collection beginning――

From immoderate fines and defamation,

From Braddon’s merciless subornation,

And from a bar of assassination,

_Libera nos, Domine_.

From a body that’s English, a mind that is French,

From a Lawyer that scolds like an oyster wench,

And from the new Bonner upon the Bench,

_Libera nos, Domine, &c._

――――

THE POOR MAN’S LITANY.

(About 1810.)

From four pounds of Bread, at Sixteen-pence price,

And Butter at Eighteen, though not very nice,

And Cheese at a Shilling, though gnaw’d by the mice,

_Good Lord, deliver us_!

From stale Clods of Beef, at a Shilling a pound,

Which, in summer, with fly-blows and maggots abound,

Or dried by the wind, and scarce fit for a hound,

_Good Lord, deliver us_!

From the Tax upon Income, invented by Pitt,

Though the Great Ones contrive to lose nothing by it,

Yet we who have little are sure to be bit,

_Good Lord, deliver us_!

From Taxes Assess’d, now rais’d at a nod,

While Inspectors rule o’er us with their iron rod,

And expect homage paid them like some demi-god,

_Good Lord, deliver us_!

From Forestallers, Regraters, and all that curs’d train,

Who, to swell out their bags, will hoard up the grain,

Against which we cry out with our might and main,

_Good Lord, deliver us_!

From a Workhouse where hunger and poverty rage,

And distinction’s a stranger to birth, sex, or age;

Lame and Blind, all must work, or be coop’d in a cage,

_Good Lord, deliver us_!

From six in a bed in those mansions of woe,

Where nothing but beards, nails, and vermin do grow,

And from picking of Oakum in cellars below,

_Good Lord, deliver us_!

From Stickings of Beef, old, withered, and tough,

Bread, like Saw-dust and Bran, and of that not enough,

And scarcely a rag to cover our Buff,

_Good Lord, deliver us_!

From the tantalized sight of viewing the Great

Luxuriously rolling in coaches of state,

While thousands are starving――for something to eat,

_Good Lord, deliver us_!

From feasts and rejoicings, ye Gluttons, abstain,

Since the blessings you boast of but give the Poor pain,

And of which one and all so loudly complain,

_Good Lord, deliver us_!

But these Burthens remov’d, then united we’ll pray,

Both the young and the old, the grave and the gay――

“May the Rulers be happy, and live to be grey;”

Rejoice then, ye Britons, that’s our Jubilee day,

_We beseech thee to hear us, Good Lord_.

――――

THE NOBLEMAN’S LITANY.

O Aristocracy! Government divine!! have mercy upon us miserable

place-men.

_O Aristocracy, Government divine, &c._

Stars, Garters, and Promotions, proceeding from Aristocracy, and

power, have mercy upon us miserable place-men.

_Stars, Garters, and Promotions, &c._

Remember not our offences, nor the offences of our forefathers when

in office,――neither take from us our places or our pensions. Spare

us, Aristocracy――spare the creatures though hast raised, and be not

angry with thy servants.

_Aristocracy, spare us!_

From all Democracy, and new-fangled doctrines,

_Aristocracy, deliver us_!

From fish-women, mobs, and lamp posts,

_Aristocracy, deliver us_!

From national assemblies, national guards, and national cockades,

_Aristocracy, deliver us_!

From people who judge for themselves, and pretend to the rights of

man,

_Aristocracy, deliver us_!

From TOM PAINE’S rabble and inflammatory pamphlets,

_Aristocracy, deliver us_!

From the insertion of paragraphs foreign to thy laws, and the

liberty of the Press in general,

_Aristocracy, deliver us_!

From all revolution meetings, and _Ca Ira_ clubs,

_Aristocracy, deliver us_!

From all investigations and reforms,

_Aristocracy, deliver us_!

We place-men do beseech thee to hear us, O Aristocracy, and that it

may please thee to govern the Church in _thine own way_.

_Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us._

That it may please thee to _illuminate the head_ of our _governor_,

and make it rich in understanding,

_Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us_.

That it may please thee to bless and preserve the governor’s wife,

and keep her from all uncharitableness.

_Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us._

That it may please thee to shower down fat livings on all righteous

pastors of the Church, so that they may enjoy every luxury, and by

their preaching and living shew it accordingly.

_Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us._

That it may please thee to preserve for _our_ use, the kindly fruits

of the earth, and all the _game_ thereof, so that no other may enjoy

them.

_Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us._

That it may please thee to protect such as are in power, both in

Church and State; to raise up them that fall; and finally, to beat

down _farmers_, _curates_, and _shopkeepers_, beneath our feet,

_Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us_.

――――

THE LONDONER’S PETITION.

From shrinkers and shufflers, and shelvers and shirks,

From Parochial harangues and from corporate quirks,

From the Board of many Words and no Works,

_From speech-making men_.

From the pestilent flow of London’s sewage,

From the further pollution of old Thames’ brewage.

From the works of the old and the talk of the new age,

_Save us, Big Ben_!

From MR. HARRISON’S endless motions,

From amateur engineering notions,

From Erith and Plumstead sewage oceans,

_Within one mile or ten_.

From penny-wisdom and pound-foolishness,

From pipe-maker’s quarrels, and Bumbledom’s mulishness,

From H. L. TAYLOR’S obstinate owlishness,

_Save us, Big Ben_!

From a thirty-six vestry-power of dilating,

Disputing, discussing, protesting and prating,

From a thirty-six vestry-pow’er of rating,

_Where they like it and when_.

From plans propounded only to shelve,

From the right our streets to dig and to delve,

Into sewers to be tide-locked eight hours out of twelve,

_Then let loose again_.

From centralisation and localisation,

“Pipe _versus_ brick” quarrel and imputation,

Cuckoo-cries, vested rights, and vestrification,

_Save us, Big Ben_!

_Punch._ December 13, 1856.

――――

A DISH OF FACTS AND SCRAPS.

Friends and fellow-countrymen, no matter where you come from, or

whether your mugs be black, white, or whitey brown, you are called

upon this day to assemble and meet together to show your sympathy with

suffering France, and although we ought at all times to love our

neighbours as ourselves, yet it becomes us to look at home and take

care of number one.

Now the well-known sufferings of the children of France have called

forth the indignation of the Republicans of England, and they held

meetings with the view of showing their sympathy for them.

And Nappy the Little was enjoying himself in the green fields of Kent,

and the Prussian Bully laughed in his sleeve, saying “I will now let

them alone, and they will be like unto the Kilkenny cats, they will

fight on till there is nothing left but their precious tails.”

But the patriots of St. James’s Hall shouted, “Long live the

Republic!” and Georgy (Odger), the man of wax responded, Amen!

Now about the same time the people of England were at loggerheads with

the shovel-hatted gentry that infest the upper house of St. Stephen’s,

inasmuch as they had rejected measures in spite of the people; and

they said, it is not only illegal, but it is naughty for a man to

marry the sister of a wife that is dead, excepting when it is to suit

the coronetted gentry, and then it is quite a horse of another colour.

But the people communed together, saying, swallow the bill you must,

or we will bring in a bill for a man to marry his grandmother, or off

come your hats and silk aprons, and we will pack you away to the salt

lake to dwell amongst the Mormons.

And Bruce, of cab flag notoriety, is doing his best to stop a man’s

beer, by trying to close the houses for the sale of double stout. But

he must mind his eye, or he will put his foot in it, and his licensing

dodge will share the same fate as his never-to-be-forgotten cab act.

And the people said, who is he that interfereth with the liberties of

the working men. Better for him that he had a millstone around his

neck, and took a cold bath in the Serpentine.

And while these things were going on, Gladstone still slumbered,

showing that he is like a barber’s block, neither use nor ornament.

Now behold, since the happy event of the wedding of the lucky

Scotchman with our charming little lady Louise, the call for royal

burgoo has been so great, that Scotch oatmeal has risen 50 per cent.

LET US SAY.

From all red hot babblers, who would cause us to burn our fingers.

Common sense defend us!

_Friends of peace and order save us!_

From the tender mercies of such pious Kings as the Prussian Bully,

Minister of war spare us.

_Spare us, we implore thee._

And oh, ye silk aproned gentry, play not too much with the rights of

Englishmen, or you will be swept from the floor of St. Stephen’s, and

be compelled to earn an honest living.

And O most noble Secretary for Home affairs, we beg of you to throw up

your present berth and turn teetotal spouter, for which you are more

fit, and not try to rob a poor man of his beer by your new licencing

dodge.

_Spare us our beer, we beseech thee._

And Odger, stop up the mouths of our numerous oppressors with your

lapstone of defiance, and spur up their shallow minds with your

closing awl of reason, and remain for ever the true brick you always

have been.

And O, Billy Gladstone, return to your duty as you promised the

Electors of Greenwich and the whole of the working classes, or prepare

to be sent to the imbecile ward of the nearest union.

And now may a hot joint and a pot of home brewed grace the tables of

all who need it, and all our enemies be vaccinated by Old Nick on both

shoulders.

So be it.

April, 1871.

――――

THE BOOK-LOVER’S LITANY.

From set spoilers and book borrowers, and from such as read in bed,

_Kind Fate protect us_.

From plate sneaks, portrait flickers, map tearers and from book

thieves,

_Kind Fate protect us_.

From such as read with unwashed hands; from careless sneezers, snuff

takers, and rheum voiders; from tobacco-ash droppers, grease slingers,

and moth smashers; from leaf pressers and all unclean beasts,

_Kind Fate protect us_.

From margin slashers, letter-press clippers and page misplacers; from

half-title wasters, original-cover losers, and lettering mis-spellers;

from gilt daubers and all the tribe of botcher-binders,

_Kind Fate protect us_.

From heat and damp; from fire and mildew; from bookworms, flies and

moths,

_Kind Fate protect us_.

From careless servants and removal fiends, and from all thoughtless

women and children,

_Kind Fate protect us_.

From book-droppers and book wrenchers; from ink and pencil markers and

scribblers; and from such as write their names on title-pages,

_Kind Fate protect us_.

From selling books by auction; from disposing of them by private sale

and from all grave disasters,

_Kind Fate protect us_.

From truth economizing cataloguers; from two price booksellers; and

from all disingenuous dealers,

_Kind Fate protect us_.

From “Bowdlerized” editions; from expurgators and all putters forth of

incomplete editions,

_Kind Fate protect us_.

From all smatterers and pretenders; from all shallow and impertinent

store assistants,

_Kind Fate protect us_.

From “appliance” lunatics, and library faddists; from “fonetic”

cranks, and all that have shingles loose,

_Kind Fate protect us_.

From bibliotaphers and lock and key curmudgeons; and from all glass

door bookcases,

_Kind Fate protect us_.

From wood pulp paper, and all chemical abominations; and from those

that manufacture faint ink,

_Kind Fate protect us_.

From undated books, re-hashed engravings, and gaudy bindings; and from

all “jerry” book-binders,

_Kind Fate protect us_.

From books that have no index, and from index makers in general,

_Kind Fate protect us_.

From all booksellers who are ignorant and pig-headed, and from them

that do not advertise,

_Kind Fate protect us_.

H. L.

_The Bookmart._ January, 1887.

――――

“_A Sturdy Beggars Litany to the Colossus of the Sun, or the City of

London’s intended Petition to the late Prime Minister._” Being an

accurate description of his last twenty years administration.

Printed by Hugo de Burgo, for the Company of Flying Stationers. (A

Broadside sheet not dated.)

This referred to Horace Walpole, Don Carlos, the Queen of Spain,

Vernon’s Sea Victory and Lord Scrope.

In the _Protestant Tutor for Youth_ is “A New Litany” in rudely

vigorous triplets. The twentieth runs:――

From Arbitrary Power defend us

And let no wooden Shoes attend us,

Still Liberty of Conscience send us.

There is also a parody of the Litany in _Political Ballads_, edited by

W. Walker Wilkins. 2 Vols., 1860, and another, dated 1856, in a

pamphlet on _Capital Punishment_ addressed to Sir G. C. Lewis, by

Arthur Trevelyan J. P., with “A Litany for the Gallows.” London, 1856.

[Illustration]

The following are imitations of what is “commonly called”

THE CREED OF SAINT ATHANASIUS.

The first is taken from an old Collection of poems, called “The

Foundling Hospital for Wit”:――

PROPER RULES AND INSTRUCTIONS, WITHOUT WHICH NO

PERSON CAN BE AN EXCISEMAN.

_Quicunque vult._

Whosoever would be an Exciseman, before all things it is necessary

that he learns the Art of Arithmetic.

Which Art, unless he wholly understand, he without doubt can be no

Exciseman.

Now the Art of Arithmetic is this, we know how to multiply and how to

divide. _Desunt pauca._

The 1 is a figure, the 2 a figure, and the 3 a figure.

The 1 is a number, the 2 a number, and the 3 a number; and yet there

are _Desunt plurima_.

For like as we are compelled by the Rules of Arithmetic, to

acknowledge every figure by itself to have signification and form:

So we are forbidden, by the rules of right reason, to say, that each

of them have three significations or three powers.

The 2 is of the 1’s alone, not abstracted, nor depending, but

produced.

The 3 is of the 1 and 2, not abstracted, nor depending,, nor produced,

but derived. So there is one figure of 1. _Desunt nonnulla._

He therefore that will be an Exciseman, must thus understand his

figures.

Furthermore, it is necessary to the preservation of his place, that he

also believe rightly the authority of his Supervisor.

For his interest is, that he believes and confesses that his

Supervisor, the servant of the Commissioners, is master and man:

Master of the Exciseman, having power from the Commissioners to

inspect his books: and man to the Commissioners, being obliged to

return his accounts.

Perfect master and perfect man, of an unconscionable soul and frail

flesh subsisting; equal to the Commissioners, as touching that respect

which is shown him by the Excisemen, and inferior to the Commissioners

as touching their profit and salary.

Who, although he be master and man, is not two, but one Supervisor.

One, not by confusion of place, but by virtue of his authority; for

his seal and sign manual perfect his commission; his gauging the

vessels, and inspecting the Excisemens’ books, is what makes him

Supervisor.

Who travels through thick and thin, and suffers most from heat or

cold, to save us from the addition of taxes, or the deficiency in the

funds, by corruption or inadvertency.

Who thrice in seven days goes his rounds, and once in six weeks meets

the Collectors, who shall come to judge between the Exciseman and

Victualler.

At whose coming all Excisemen shall bring in their accounts, and the

Victuallers their money.

And they that have done well by prompt payment, shall be well treated.

And those that have done ill, by being tardy in their payment, shall

be cast into jail; and the Excisemen whose books are blotted, or

accounts unjustifiable, shall be turned out of their places.

These are the rules, which except a man follows, he cannot be an

Exciseman.

Honour to the Commissioners, fatigue to the Supervisor, and bribery to

the Exciseman.

As it was from the beginning, when taxes were first laid upon Malt, is

now, and ever will be till the debts of the nation are paid. _Amen._

――――

THE MATRIMONIAL CREED.

_To be used in all dwelling houses._

Whoever will be married, before all things it is necessary that he

hold the conjugal faith, which is this, That there were two rational

beings created, both equal, and yet one superior to the other; and the

inferior shall bear rule over the superior; which faith, except every

one do keep whole and undefiled, without doubt he shall be scolded at

everlastingly.

The man is superior to the woman, and the woman is inferior to the

man; yet both are equal, and the woman shall govern the man.

The woman is commanded to obey the man, and the man ought to obey the

woman.

And yet, they are not two obedients, but one obedient.

For there is one dominion nominal of the husband, and another dominion

real of the wife.

And yet, there are not two dominions, but one dominion.

For like as we are compelled by the Christian verity to acknowledge

that wives must submit themselves to their husbands, and be subject to

them in all things;

So are we forbidden by the Conjugal Faith to say, that they should be

at all influenced by their wills or pay any regard to their commands.

The man was not created for the woman, but the woman for the man.

Yet the man shall be the slave of the woman, and the woman the tyrant

of the man.

So that in all things, as is aforesaid, the subjection of the superior

to the inferior is to be believed.

He, therefore, that will be married, must thus think of the woman and

the man.

Furthermore, it is necessary to submissive Matrimony, that he also

believe rightly the infallibility of the wife.

For the right faith is, that we believe and confess, that the wife is

fallible and infallible.

Perfectly fallible, and perfectly infallible; of an erring soul and

unerring mind subsisting; fallible as touching her human nature, and

infallible as touching her female sex.

Who, although she be fallible and infallible, yet she is not two, but

one woman; who submitted to lawful marriage, to acquire unlawful

dominion; and promised religiously to obey, that she might rule in

injustice and folly.

This is the Conjugal Faith; which except a man believe faithfully, he

cannot enter the comfortable state of Matrimony.

From _The Wonderful Magazine_.

――――

A NEW POLITICAL CREED.

FOR THE YEAR MDCCLXVI.

_Quicunque vult._

Whoever will be saved: before all things it is necessary that he

should hold the Chatham faith.

Which faith, except every man keep whole and undefiled without doubt

he shall sink into oblivion.

And the Chatham faith is this: that we worship one Minister in

Trinity, and the Trinity in Unity:

Neither confounding the persons, nor dividing the substance.

For the Privy Seal is a Minister, the Secretary is a Minister, and the

Treasurer is a Minister.

Yet there are not three Ministers, but one Minister; for the Privy

Seal, the Secretary, and the Treasurer are all one.

Such as the Privy Seal is, such is the Secretary, and such is the

Treasurer.

The Privy Seal is self-create, the Secretary is self-create, and the

Treasurer is self-create.

The Privy Seal is incomprehensible, the Secretary is incomprehensible,

and the Treasurer is incomprehensible.

The Privy Seal is unresponsible, the Secretary is unresponsible, and

the Treasurer is unresponsible.

And yet there are not three incomprehensibles, three self-created, or

three unresponsibles: but one incomprehensible, one self-create, and

one unresponsible.

For like as we are compelled by the Christian verity, to acknowledge

every person by himself to be God and Lord;

So are we forbidden by the articles of the Chatham alliance, to say

there are three Ministers:

So that in all things, the Unity in Trinity, and Trinity in Unity, are

to be worshipped; and he who would be saved, must thus think of the

Ministry.

Furthermore it is necessary to elevation, that he also believe rightly

of the qualities of our Minister.

For the right faith is, that we believe and confess, that this son of

man is something more than man; as total perfection, though of an

unreasonable soul, and gouty flesh consisting.

Who suffered for our salvation, descended into opposition, rose again

the third time, and ascended into the House of Peers.

He sitteth on the right hand of the ――――, from whence he shall come to

judge the good and the bad.

And they that have done good, shall go into patent places, and they

that have done bad, shall go into everlasting opposition.

This is the Chatham faith; which except a man believe faithfully, he

cannot be promoted.

As he was in the beginning, he is now, and ever will be.

_Then all the people, standing up, shall say_,

O blessed and glorious Trinity, three persons and one Minister, have

mercy on us miserable subjects.

This parody was written against Lord Chatham. It was published in _The

New Foundling Hospital for Wit_. 1786.

――――

The following imitation was written by the Rev. Mr. Toplady, a very

popular preacher amongst the Calvinists, who died greatly lamented, at

a very early age. Mr. Toplady’s object was to ridicule Lord

Chesterfield’s Letters, and the morals therein inculcated It was

entitled――

“CHRISTIANITY REVERSED, &C.; _or_ LORD CHESTERFIELD’S NEW CREED.

“I believe, that this world is the object of my hopes and

morals; and that the little prettinesses of life will answer

all the ends of human existence.

“I believe, that we are to succeed in all things, by the

graces of civility and attention; that there is no sin, but

against good manners; and that all religion and virtue

consist in outward appearance.

“I believe, that all women are children, and all men fools;

except a few cunning people, who see through the rest, and

make their use of them.

“I believe, that hypocrisy and adultery, are within the

lines of morality; that a woman may be honourable when she

has lost her honour, and virtuous when she has lost her

virtue.