LEO [insisting] Have? You? Kept? Your? Promises? Have you rubbed
your head with the lotion every night?
REGINALD. Yes, yes. Nearly every night.
LEO. Nearly! I know what that means. Have you worn your liver
pad?
THE GENERAL [solemnly] Leo: forgiveness is one of the most
beautiful traits in a woman's nature; but there are things that
should not be forgiven to a man. When a man knocks a woman down
[Leo gives a little shriek of laughter and collapses on a chair
next Mrs Bridgenorth, on her left]
REGINALD [sardonically] The man that would raise his hand to a
woman, save in the way of a kindness, is unworthy the name of
Bridgenorth. [He sits down at the end of the table nearest the
hearth].
THE GENERAL [much huffed] Oh, well, if Leo does not mind, of
course I have no more to say. But I think you might, out of
consideration for the family, beat your wife in private and not
in the presence of the gardener.
REGINALD [out of patience] Whats the good of beating your wife
unless theres a witness to prove it afterwards? You dont suppose
a man beats his wife for the fun of it, do you? How could she
have got her divorce if I hadnt beaten her? Nice state of things,
that!
THE GENERAL [gasping] Do you mean to tell me that you did it in
cold blood? simply to get rid of your wife?
REGINALD. No, I didn't: I did it to get her rid of me. What would
you do if you were fool enough to marry a woman thirty years
younger than yourself, and then found that she didnt care for
you, and was in love with a young fellow with a face like a
mushroom.
LEO. He has not. [Bursting into tears] And you are most unkind to
say I didnt care for you. Nobody could have been fonder of you.
REGINALD. A nice way of shewing your fondness! I had to go out
and dig that flower bed all over with my own hands to soften it.
I had to pick all the stones out of it. And then she complained
that I hadnt done it properly, because she got a worm down her
neck. I had to go to Brighton with a poor creature who took a
fancy to me on the way down, and got conscientious scruples about
committing perjury after dinner. I had to put her down in the
hotel book as Mrs Reginald Bridgenorth: Leo's name! Do you know
what that feels like to a decent man? Do you know what a decent
man feels about his wife's name? How would you like to go into a
hotel before all the waiters and people with--with that on your
arm? Not that it was the poor girl's fault, of course; only she
started crying because I couldnt stand her touching me; and now
she keeps writing to me. And then I'm held up in the public court
for cruelty and adultery, and turned away from Edith's wedding by
Alice, and lectured by you! a bachelor, and a precious green one
at that. What do you know about it?
THE GENERAL. Am I to understand that the whole case was one of
collusion?
REGINALD. Of course it was. Half the cases are collusions: what
are people to do? [The General, passing his hand dazedly over his
bewildered brow, sinks into the railed chair]. And what do you
take me for, that you should have the cheek to pretend to believe
all that rot about my knocking Leo about and leaving her for--for
a--a-- Ugh! you should have seen her.
THE GENERAL. This is perfectly astonishing to me. Why did you do
it? Why did Leo allow it?
REGINALD. Youd better ask her.
LEO [still in tears] I'm sure I never thought it would be so
horrid for Rejjy. I offered honorably to do it myself, and let
him divorce me; but he wouldnt. And he said himself that it was
the only way to do it--that it was the law that he should do it
that way. I never saw that hateful creature until that day in
Court. If he had only shewn her to me before, I should never have
allowed it.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. You did all this for Leo's sake, Rejjy?
REGINALD [with an unbearable sense of injury] I shouldnt mind a
bit if it were for Leo's sake. But to have to do it to make room
for that mushroom-faced serpent--!
THE GENERAL [jumping up] What right had he to be made room for?
Are you in your senses? What right?
REGINALD. The right of being a young man, suitable to a young
woman. I had no right at my age to marry Leo: she knew no more
about life than a child.
LEO. I knew a great deal more about it than a great baby like
you. I'm sure I dont know how youll get on with no one to take
care of you: I often lie awake at night thinking about it. And
now youve made me thoroughly miserable.
REGINALD. Serve you right! [She weeps]. There: dont get into a
tantrum, Leo.
LESBIA. May one ask who is the mushroom-faced serpent?
LEO. He isnt.
REGINALD. Sinjon Hotchkiss, of course.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Sinjon Hotchkiss! Why, he's coming to the
wedding!
REGINALD. What! In that case I'm off [he makes for the tower].
LEO } { [seizing him] No you shant.
You promised to be nice to
(all four him.
THE GENERAL } rushing { No, dont go, old chap. Not
after him from Edith's wedding.
and capturing
him on the
MRS. BRIDGE- threshold)
NORTH } { Oh, do stay, Benjjy. I shall
really be hurt if you desert
us.
LESBIA } { Better stay, Reginald. You must
meet him sooner or later.
REGINALD. A moment ago, when I wanted to stay, you were all
shoving me out of the house. Now that I want to go, you wont let
me.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. I shall send a note to Mr Hotchkiss not to come.
LEO [weeping again] Oh, Alice! [She comes back to her chair,
heartbroken].
REGINALD [out of patience] Oh well, let her have her way. Let her
have her mushroom. Let him come. Let them all come.
He crosses the kitchen to the oak chest and sits sulkily on it.
Mrs Bridgenorth shrugs her shoulders and sits at the table in
Reginald's neighborhood listening in placid helplessness. Lesbia,
out of patience with Leo's tears, goes into the garden and sits
there near the door, snuffing up the open air in her relief from
the domestic stuffness of Reginald's affairs.
LEO. It's so cruel of you to go on pretending that I dont care
for you, Rejjy.
REGINALD [bitterly] She explained to me that it was only that she
had exhausted my conversation.
THE GENERAL [coming paternally to Leo] My dear girl: all the
conversation in the world has been exhausted long ago. Heaven
knows I have exhausted the conversation of the British Army these
thirty years; but I dont leave it on that account.
LEO. It's not that Ive exhausted it; but he will keep on
repeating it when I want to read or go to sleep. And Sinjon
amuses me. He's so clever.
THE GENERAL [stung] Ha! The old complaint. You all want geniuses
to marry. This demand for clever men is ridiculous. Somebody must
marry the plain, honest, stupid fellows. Have you thought of
that?
LEO. But there are such lots of stupid women to marry. Why do
they want to marry us? Besides, Rejjy knows that I'm quite fond
of him. I like him because he wants me; and I like Sinjon because
I want him. I feel that I have a duty to Rejjy.
THE GENERAL. Precisely: you have.
LEO. And, of course, Sinjon has the same duty to me.
THE GENERAL. Tut, tut!
LEO. Oh, how silly the law is! Why cant I marry them both?
THE GENERAL [shocked] Leo!
LEO. Well, I love them both. I should like to marry a lot of men.
I should like to have Rejjy for every day, and Sinjon for
concerts and theatres and going out in the evenings, and some
great austere saint for about once a year at the end of the
season, and some perfectly blithering idiot of a boy to be quite
wicked with. I so seldom feel wicked; and, when I do, it's such a
pity to waste it merely because it's too silly to confess to a
real grown-up man.
REGINALD. This is the kind of thing, you know [Helplessly] Well,
there it is!
THE GENERAL [decisively] Alice: this is a job for the Barmecide.
He's a Bishop: it's his duty to talk to Leo. I can stand a good
deal; but when it comes to flat polygamy and polyandry, we ought
to do something.
MRS BRIDGENORTH [going to the study door] Do come here a moment,
Alfred. We're in a difficulty.
THE BISHOP [within] Ask Collins, I'm busy.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Collins wont do. It's something very serious. Do
come just a moment, dear. [When she hears him coming she takes a
chair at the nearest end of the table].
The Bishop comes out of his study. He is still a slim active man,
spare of flesh, and younger by temperament than his brothers. He
has a delicate skin, fine hands, a salient nose with chin to
match, a short beard which accentuates his sharp chin by
bristling forward, clever humorous eyes, not without a glint of
mischief in them, ready bright speech, and the ways of a
successful man who is always interested in himself and generally
rather well pleased with himself. When Lesbia hears his voice she
turns her chair towards him, and presently rises and stands in
the doorway listening to the conversation.
THE BISHOP [going to Leo] Good morning, my dear. Hullo! Youve
brought Reginald with you. Thats very nice of you. Have you
reconciled them, Boxer?
THE GENERAL. Reconciled them! Why, man, the whole divorce was a
put-up job. She wants to marry some fellow named Hotchkiss.