LESBIA. As I said before, an English lady is not the slave of her
appetites. That is what an English gentleman seems incapable of
understanding. [She sits down at the end of the table, near the
study door].
THE GENERAL [huffily] Oh well, if you refuse, you refuse. I shall
not ask you again. I'm sorry I returned to the subject. [He
retires to the hearth and plants himself there, wounded and
lofty].
LESBIA. Dont be cross, Boxer.
THE GENERAL. I'm not cross, only wounded, Lesbia. And when you
talk like that, I dont feel convinced: I only feel utterly at a
loss.
LESBIA. Well, you know our family rule. When at a loss consult
the greengrocer. [Opportunely Collins comes in through the
tower]. Here he is.
COLLINS. Sorry to be so much in and out, Miss. I thought Mrs
Bridgenorth was here. The table is ready now for the breakfast,
if she would like to see it.
LESBIA. If you are satisfied, Collins, I am sure she will be.
THE GENERAL. By the way, Collins: I thought theyd made you an
alderman.
COLLINS. So they have, General.
THE GENERAL. Then wheres your gown?
COLLINS. I dont wear it in private life, General.
THE GENERAL. Why? Are you ashamed of it?
COLLINS. No, General. To tell you the truth, I take a pride in
it. I cant help it.
THE GENERAL. Attention, Collins. Come here. [Collins comes to
him]. Do you see my uniform--all my medals?
COLLINS. Yes, General. They strike the eye, as it were.
THE GENERAL. They are meant to. Very well. Now you know, dont
you, that your services to the community as a greengrocer are as
important and as dignified as mine as a soldier?
COLLINS. I'm sure it's very honorable of you to say so, General.
THE GENERAL [emphatically] You know also, dont you, that any man
who can see anything ridiculous, or unmanly, or unbecoming in
your work or in your civic robes is not a gentleman, but a
jumping, bounding, snorting cad?
COLLINS. Well, strictly between ourselves, that is my opinion,
General.
THE GENERAL. Then why not dignify my niece's wedding by wearing
your robes?
COLLINS. A bargain's a bargain, General. Mrs Bridgenorth sent for
the greengrocer, not for the alderman. It's just as unpleasant to
get more than you bargain for as to get less.
THE GENERAL. I'm sure she will agree with me. I attach importance
to this as an affirmation of solidarity in the service of the
community. The Bishop's apron, my uniform, your robes: the
Church, the Army, and the Municipality.
COLLINS [retiring] Very well, General. [He turns dubiously to
Lesbia on his way to the tower]. I wonder what my wife will say,
Miss?
THE GENERAL. What! Is your, wife ashamed of your robes?
COLLINS. No, sir, not ashamed of them. But she grudged the money
for them; and she will be afraid of my sleeves getting into the
gravy.
Mrs Bridgenorth, her placidity quite upset, comes in with a
letter; hurries past Collins; and comes between Lesbia and the
General.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Lesbia: Boxer: heres a pretty mess!
Collins goes out discreetly.
THE GENERAL. Whats the matter?
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Reginald's in London, and wants to come to the
wedding.
THE GENERAL [stupended] Well, dash my buttons!
LESBIA. Oh, all right, let him come.
THE GENERAL. Let him come! Why, the decree has not been made
absolute yet. Is he to walk in here to Edith's wedding, reeking
from the Divorce Court?
MRS BRIDGENORTH [vexedly sitting down in the middle chair] It's
too bad. No: I cant forgive him, Lesbia, really. A man of
Reginald's age, with a young wife--the best of girls, and as
pretty as she can be--to go off with a common woman from the
streets! Ugh!
LESBIA. You must make allowances. What can you expect? Reginald
was always weak. He was brought up to be weak. The family
property was all mortgaged when he inherited it. He had to
struggle along in constant money difficulties, hustled by his
solicitors, morally bullied by the Barmecide, and physically
bullied by Boxer, while they two were fighting their own way and
getting well trained. You know very well he couldnt afford to
marry until the mortgages were cleared and he was over fifty. And
then of course he made a fool of himself marrying a child like
Leo.
THE GENERAL. But to hit her! Absolutely to hit her! He knocked
her down--knocked her flat down on a flowerbed in the presence of
his gardener. He! the head of the family! the man that stands
before the Barmecide and myself as Bridgenorth of Bridgenorth! to
beat his wife and go off with a low woman and be divorced for it
in the face of all England! in the face of my uniform and
Alfred's apron! I can never forget what I felt: it was only the
King's personal request--virtually a command--that stopped me
from resigning my commission. I'd cut Reginald dead if I met him
in the street.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Besides, Leo's coming. Theyd meet. It's
impossible, Lesbia.
LESBIA. Oh, I forgot that. That settles it. He mustnt come.
THE GENERAL. Of course he mustnt. You tell him that if he enters
this house, I'll leave it; and so will every decent man and woman
in it.
COLLINS [returning for a moment to announce] Mr Reginald, maam.
[He withdraws when Reginald enters].
THE GENERAL [beside himself] Well, dash my buttons!!
Reginald is just the man Lesbia has described. He is hardened and
tough physically, and hasty and boyish in his manner and speech,
belonging as he does to the large class of English gentlemen of
property (solicitor-managed) who have never developed
intellectually since their schooldays. He is a muddled,
rebellious, hasty, untidy, forgetful, always late sort of man,
who very evidently needs the care of a capable woman, and has
never been lucky or attractive enough to get it. All the same, a
likeable man, from whom nobody apprehends any malice nor expects
any achievement. In everything but years he is younger than his
brother the General.
REGINALD [coming forward between the General and Mrs Bridgenorth]
Alice: it's no use. I cant stay away from Edith's wedding. Good
morning, Lesbia. How are you, Boxer? [He offers the General his
hand].
THE GENERAL [with crushing stiffness] I was just telling Alice,
sir, that if you entered this house, I should leave it.
REGINALD. Well, dont let me detain you, old chap. When you start
calling people Sir, youre not particularly good company.
LESBIA. Dont you begin to quarrel. That wont improve the
situation.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. I think you might have waited until you got my
answer, Rejjy.
REGINALD. It's so jolly easy to say No in a letter. Wont you let
me stay?
MRS BRIDGENORTH. How can I? Leo's coming.
REGINALD. Well, she wont mind.
THE GENERAL. Wont mind!!!!
LESBIA. Dont talk nonsense, Rejjy; and be off with you.
THE GENERAL [with biting sarcasm] At school you lead a theory
that women liked being knocked down, I remember.
REGINALD. Youre a nice, chivalrous, brotherly sort of swine, you
are.
THE GENERAL. Mr Bridgenorth: are you going to leave this house or
am I?
REGINALD. You are, I hope. [He emphasizes his intention to stay
by sitting down].
THE GENERAL. Alice: will you allow me to be driven from Edith's
wedding by this--
LESBIA [warningly] Boxer!
THE GENERAL. --by this Respondent? Is Edith to be given away by
him?
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Certainly not. Reginald: you were not asked to
come; and I have asked you to go. You know how fond I am of Leo;
and you know what she would feel if she came in and found you
here.
COLLINS [again appearing in the tower] Mrs Reginald, maam.
LESBIA {No, no. Ask her to-- } [All three
MRS BRIDGENORTH {Oh, how unfortunate! } clamoring
THE GENERAL {Well, dash my buttons! } together].
It is too late: Leo is already in the kitchen. Collins goes out,
mutely abandoning a situation which he deplores but has been
unable to save.
Leo is very pretty, very youthful, very restless, and
consequently very charming to people who are touched by youth and
beauty, as well as to those who regard young women as more or
less appetizing lollipops, and dont regard old women at all.
Coldly studied, Leo's restlessness is much less lovable than the
kittenishness which comes from a rich and fresh vitality. She is
a born fusser about herself and everybody else for whom she feels
responsible; and her vanity causes her to exaggerate her
responsibilities officiously. All her fussing is about little
things; but she often calls them by big names, such as Art, the
Divine Spark, the world, motherhood, good breeding, the Universe,
the Creator, or anything else that happens to strike her
imagination as sounding intellectually important. She has more
than common imagination and no more than common conception and
penetration; so that she is always on the high horse about words
and always in the perambulator about things. Considering herself
clever, thoughtful, and superior to ordinary weaknesses and
prejudices, she recklessly attaches herself to clever men on that
understanding, with the result that they are first delighted,
then exasperated, and finally bored. When marrying Reginald she
told her friends that there was a great deal in him which needed
bringing out. If she were a middle-aged man she would be the
terror of his club. Being a pretty young woman, she is forgiven
everything, proving that "Tout comprendre, c'est tout pardonner"
is an error, the fact being that the secret of forgiving
everything is to understand nothing.
She runs in fussily, full of her own importance, and swoops on
Lesbia, who is much less disposed to spoil her than Mrs
Bridgenorth is. But Leo affects a special intimacy with Lesbia,
as of two thinkers among the Philistines.
LEO [to Lesbia, kissing her] Good morning. [Coming to Mrs
Bridgenorth] How do, Alice? [Passing on towards the hearth] Why
so gloomy, General? [Reginald rises between her and the General]
Oh, Rejjy! What will the King's Proctor say?
REGINALD. Damn the King's Proctor!
LEO. Naughty. Well, I suppose I must kiss you; but dont any of
you tell. [She kisses him. They can hardly believe their eyes].
Have you kept all your promises?