themselves, who do not prefer pious companions of the other sex.
I will not stop to adduce this as an evidence of the truth of our
religion itself, and of its adaptation to the wants of the human
race, for happily it does not need it. Christianity is based on the
most abundant evidence, of a character wholly unquestionable. But
this I do and will say, that to be consistent, young men of loose
principles ought not to rail at females for their piety, and then
whenever they seek for a constant friend, one whom they can
love,--for they never really love the abandoned--always prefer,
other things being equal, the society of the pious and the virtuous.
"Next on the list of particular qualifications in a female, for
matrimonial life, I place COMMON SENSE. In the view of some, it
ought to precede moral excellence. A person, it is said, who is
deficient in common sense, is, in proportion to the imbecility,
unfit for _social_ life, and yet the same person might possess a
kind of negative excellency, or perhaps even a species of piety.
This view appears to me, however, much more specious than sound.
"By _common sense_, as used in this place, I mean the faculty by
means of which we see things _as they_ really are. It implies
judgment and discrimination, and a proper sense of propriety in
regard to the common concerns of life. It leads us to form judicious
plans of action, and to be governed by our circumstances in such a
way as will be generally approved. It is the exercise of reason,
uninfluenced by passion or prejudice. To man, it is nearly what
instinct is to brutes. It is very different from genius or talent,
as they are commonly defined; but much better than either. It never
blazes forth with the splendor of noon, but shines with a constant
and useful light. To the housewife--but, above all, to the
mother,--it is indispensable.
"Whatever other recommendations a lady may possess, she should have
an inextinguishable thirst for improvement. No sensible person can
be truly happy in the world, without this; much less qualified to
make others happy. But the genuine spirit of improvement, wherever
it exists, atones for the absence of many qualities which would
otherwise be indispensable: in this respect resembling that
'charity' which covers 'a multitude of sins.' Without it, almost
everything would be of little consequence,--with it, everything
else is rendered doubly valuable.
"One would think that every sensible person, of either sex, would
aspire at improvement, were it merely to avoid the shame of being
stationary like the brutes. Above all, it is most surprising that
any lady should be satisfied to pass a day or even an hour without
mental and moral progress. It is no discredit to the lower animals
that--'their little all flows in at once,' that 'in ages they no
more can know, or covet or enjoy,' for this is the legitimate result
of the physical constitution which God has given them. But it is far
otherwise with the masters and mistresses of creation; for
"'Were man to live coeval with the sun,
The patriarch pupil _should_ be learning still,
And dying, leave his lessons half unlearnt.'
"There are,--I am sorry to say it--not a few of both sexes who never
appear to breathe out one hearty desire to rise, intellectually or
morally, with a view to the government of themselves or others.
They love themselves supremely--their friends subordinately--their
neighbors, perhaps not at all. But neither the love they bear to
themselves or others even leads them to a single series of any sort
of action which has for its ultimate object the improvement of
anything higher than the condition of the mere animal. Dress,
personal appearance, equipage, style of a dwelling or its furniture,
with no other view, however, than the promotion of mere physical
enjoyment, is the height of their desires for improvement!
"Talk to them of elevating the intellect or improving the heart,
and they admit it is true; but they go their way and pursue their
accustomed round of folly again. The probability is, that though
they assent to your views, they do not understand you. It requires a
stretch of charity to which I am wholly unequal, to believe that
beings who ever conceived, for one short moment, of the height to
which their natures may be elevated, should sink back" without a
single struggle, to a mere selfish, unsocial, animal life;--to lying
in bed ten or twelve hours daily, rising three or four hours later
than the sun, spending the morning in preparation at the glass, the
remainder of the time till dinner in unmeaning calls, the afternoon
in yawning over a novel, and the evening in the excitement of the
tea-table and the party, and the ball-room, to retire, perhaps at
midnight, with the mind and body and soul in a feverish state, to
toss away the night in vapid or distressing dreams.
"How beings endowed with immortal souls can be contented to while
away precious hours in a manner so useless, and withal so
displeasing to the God who gave them their time for the improvement
of themselves and others, is to me absolutely inconceivable! Yet it
is certainly done; and that not merely by a few solitary individuals
scattered up and down the land; but in some of our most populous
cities, by considerable numbers.
"Should the young man who is seeking an 'help meet,' chance to fall
in with such _beings_ as these--and some we fear there are in almost
every part of our land,--let him shun them as he would the 'choke
damp' of the cavern.
"Their society would extinguish, rather than fan the flame of every
generous or benevolent-feeling that might be kindling in his bosom.
_With_ the fond, the ardent, the never-failing desire to improve,
physically, intellectually, and morally, there are few females who
may not make tolerable companions for a man of sense;--_without_ it,
though a young lady were beautiful and otherwise lovely beyond
comparison, wealthy as the Indies, surrounded by thousands of the
most worthy friends, and even talented, let him beware! Better
remain in celibacy a thousand years (could life last so long) great
as the evil may be, than form a union with such an object. He
should pity, and seek her reformation, if not beyond the bounds
of possibility; but love her he should not! The penalty will be
absolutely insupportable.
"One point ought to be settled,--I think unalterably settled--before
matrimony. It ought indeed to be settled in early life, but it is
better late, perhaps, than never. Each of the parties should
consider themselves as sacredly pledged, in all cases, to yield to
conviction. I have no good opinion of the man who expects his wife
to yield her opinion to his, on every occasion, unless she is
convinced. I say on _every occasion_; for that she sometimes ought
to do so, seems to be both scriptural and rational. It would be very
inconvenient to call in a third person as an umpire upon every
slight difference of opinion between a young couple, besides being
very humiliating. But if each maintain, with pertinacity, their
opinion, what can be done? It does seem to me that every sensible
woman, who feels any good degree of confidence in her husband, will
perceive the propriety of yielding her opinion to his in such cases,
where the matter is of such a nature that it cannot be delayed.
"But there are a thousand things occurring, in which there is no
necessity of forming an immediate opinion, or decision, except from
conviction. I should never like the idea of a woman's conforming to
her husband's views to please him, merely, without considering
whether they are correct or not. It seems to me a sort of treason
against the God who gave her a mind of her own, with an intention
that she should use it. But it would be higher treason still, in
male or female, not to yield, when actually convinced.
"Without the knowledge and the love of domestic concerns, even the
wife of a peer is but a poor affair. It was the fashion, in former
times, for ladies to understand a great deal about these things, and
it would be very hard to make me believe that it did not tend to
promote the interests and honor of their husbands.
"The concerns of a great family never can be _well_ managed, if left
_wholly_ to hirelings; and there are many parts of these affairs
in which it would be unseemly for husbands to meddle. Surely, no
lady can be too high in rank to make it proper for her to be well
acquainted with the character and general demeanor of all the female
servants. To receive and give character is too much to be left to a
servant, however good, whose service has been ever so long, or
acceptable.
"Much of the ease and happiness of the great and rich must depend on
the character of those by whom they are assisted. They live under
the same roof with them; they are frequently the children of their
tenants, or poorer neighbors; the conduct of their whole lives must
be influenced by the examples and precepts which they here imbibe;
and when ladies consider how much more weight there must be in one
word from them, than in ten thousand word from a person who, call
her what you like, is still _fellow servant,_ it does appear strange
that they should forego the performance of this at once important
and pleasing part of their duty.
"I am, however, addressing myself, in this work, to persons in the
middle ranks of life; and here a knowledge of domestic affairs is so
necessary in every wife, that the lover ought to have it continually
in his eye. Not only a knowledge of these affairs--not only to know
how things _ought to be done_, but how to _do them_; not only to
know what ingredients ought to be put into a pie or a pudding, but
to be able _to make_ the pie or the pudding.
"Young people, when they come together, ought not, unless they have
fortunes, or are to do unusual business, to think about _servants_!
Servants for what! To help them eat, and drink, and sleep? When
they have children, there must be some _help_ in a farmer's or
tradesman's house, but until then, what call is there for a servant
in a house, the master of which has to _earn_ every mouthful that
is consumed?
"Eating and drinking come _three times every day_; they must come;
and, however little we may, in the days of our health and vigor,
care about choice food and about cookery, we very soon get _tired_
of heavy or burnt bread, and of spoiled joints of meat. We bear them
for once or twice perhaps; but about the third time, we begin to
lament; about the fifth time, it must be an extraordinary affair
that will keep us from complaining; if the like continue for a month
or two, we begin to _repent_; and then adieu to all our anticipated
delights. We discover, when it is too late, that we have not got a
help-mate, but a burden; and, the fire of love being damped, the
unfortunately educated creature, whose parents are more to blame
than she is, unless she resolve to learn her duty, is doomed to lead
a life very nearly approaching to that of misery; for, however
considerate the husband, he never can esteem her as he would have
done, had she been skilled in domestic affairs.
"The mere _manual_ performance of domestic labors is not, indeed,
absolutely necessary in the female head of the family of
professional men; but, even here, and also in the case of great
merchants and of gentlemen living on their fortunes, surely the head
of the household ought to be able to give directions as to the
purchasing of meal, salting meat, making bread, making preserves of
all sorts; and ought to see the things done.
"The lady ought to take care that food be well cooked that there be
always a sufficient supply; that there be good living without waste;
and that in her department, nothing shall be seen inconsistent with
the rank, station, and character of her husband. If he have a
skilful and industrious wife, he will, unless he be of a singularly
foolish turn, gladly leave all these things to her absolute
dominion, controlled only by the extent of the whole expenditure, of
which he must be the best judge.
"But, in a farmer's or a tradesman's family, the manual performance
is absolutely necessary, whether there be domestics or not. No one
knows how to teach another so well as one who has done, and can do,
the thing himself. It was said of a famous French commander, that,
in attacking an enemy, he did not say to his men '_go_ on,' but
'_come_ on;' and, whoever has well observed the movements of
domestics, must know what a prodigious difference there is in the
effect of the words, _go_ and _come_.
"A very good rule would be, to have nothing to eat, in a farmer's or
mechanic's house, that the mistress did not know how to prepare and
to cook; no pudding, tart, pie or cake, that she did not know how to
make. Never fear the toil to her: exercise is good for health; and
without health there is no beauty. Besides, what is the labor in
such a case? And how many thousands of ladies, who idle away the
day, would give half their fortunes for that sound sleep which the
stirring housewife seldom fails to enjoy.
"Yet, if a young farmer or mechanic _marry_ a girl, who has been
brought up only to '_play music_,' to _draw_, to _sing_, to waste
paper, pen and ink in writing long and half-romantic letters, and to
see shows, and plays, and read novels;--if a young man do marry such
an unfortunate young creature, let him bear the consequences with
temper. Let him be _just_. Justice will teach him to treat her with
great indulgence; to endeavor to persuade her to learn her business
as a wife; to be patient with her; to reflect that he has taken her,
being apprized of her inability; to bear in mind, that he was, or
seemed to be, pleased with her showy and us less acquirements; and
that, when the gratification of his passion has been accomplished,
he is unjust, and cruel, and unmanly, if he turn round upon her,
and accuse her of a want of that knowledge, which he well knew,
beforehand, she did not possess.
"For my part, I do not know, nor can I form an idea of, a more
unfortunate being than a girl with a mere boarding-school education,
and without a fortune to enable her to keep domestics, when married.
Of what _use_ are _her_ accomplishments? Of what use her music, her
drawing, and her romantic epistles? If she should chance to possess
a sweet disposition, and good nature, the first faint cry of her
first babe drives all the tunes and all the landscapes, and all the
imaginary beings out of her head forever.
"The farmer or the tradesman's wife has to _help earn_ a provision
for her children; or, at the least, to help to earn a store for
sickness or old age. She ought, therefore, to be qualified to begin,
at once, to assist her husband in his earnings. The way in which she
can most efficiently assist, is by taking care of his property; by
expending his money to the greatest advantage; by wasting nothing,
but by making the table sufficiently abundant with the least
expense.
"But how is she to do these things, unless she has been _brought up_
to understand domestic affairs? How is she to do these things, if
she has been taught to think these matters beneath her study? How is
the man to expect her to do these things, if she has been so bred,
as to make her habitually look upon them as worthy the attention of
none but low and ignorant women?
"_Ignorant_, indeed! Ignorance consists in a want of knowledge of
those things which your calling or state of life naturally supposes
you to understand. A ploughman is not an ignorant man because he
does not know how to read. If he knows how to plough, he is not
to be called an ignorant man; but a wife may be justly called an
ignorant woman, if she does not know how to provide a dinner for
her husband. It is cold comfort for a hungry man, to tell him how
delightfully his wife plays and sings. _Lovers_ may live on very
aerial diet, but husbands stand in need of something more solid; and
young women may take my word for it, that a constantly clean table,
well cooked victuals, a house in order, and a cheerful fire, will
do more towards preserving a husband's heart, than all the
'accomplishments' taught in all the 'establishments' in the world
without them."[13]
[Footnote 13: Young Man's Guide.]
Other considerations might be urged on the young of both sexes,
as prerequisites to a hopeful and a happy marriage. But if the
reflections already offered are duly heeded, they will enable those
who are influenced by them, to secure the blessings and escape the
evils of the marriage state. As a general remark, I would suggest
that in selecting a companion for a connection so lasting, it should
be a leading object to find as great a similarity of opinions,
habits, tastes, and feelings, as possible. This is especially
important in regard to religious sentiments. It is a serious
misfortune for a young married couple to find themselves differing
materially on the subject of religion. This is more particularly an
evil when both are strongly attached to their respective opinions,
and anxious to attend different churches. I have frequently known
this greatly to embitter the cup of domestic enjoyment. Where
husband and wife can sympathize in each other's sentiments--can walk
together to the house of God, with their children--can strengthen
and enlighten one another in regard to the great truths to which
they there listen--can unite in instructing their family in the same
doctrines and principles of Christianity--it opens one of the
highest and sweetest sources of domestic happiness. But an absence
of this unity in religious opinions, is liable to lead to frequent
disputations and contentions, which often result in recriminations,
and hard and bitter feelings. There are not wanting instances where
the most serious difficulties and the greatest unhappiness have
grown out of these disagreements. Hence it is both proper and
needful, to admonish the young, in choosing a wife or a husband, to
make a concurrence in religious faith, one of the great essentials
requisite to a union.
In case of a different result--when husband and wife unfortunately
find a wide disparity in the leading doctrines of their
religion--they should seek to make the best of their misfortune,
and guard against allowing it to prove a bone of contention in their
midst. They should agree to disagree in forbearance and love. They
should respect each other's views, and be cautious not to say or do
that which can cast disparagement on their respective sentiments.
Neither should demand or expect the other to abandon his or her
doctrines, without full conviction of their erroneous nature. Both
should be tolerant and forbearing--willing to grant the other the
same freedom of opinion they claim for themselves.
It should be an established rule with husband and wife, to attend
the worship of God together. This is by far the most agreeable and
proper procedure. Should it not be pleasant, however, for both to
worship statedly in the same church, and listen to the proclamation
of the same doctrines, they should arrange their plans to attend
each other's meetings on alternate Sabbaths. This kind and friendly
reciprocity would be fair, just, and honorable to both parties,
and might lead ultimately to a similarity of opinions. But for a
husband or a wife to refuse such a concession, and insist that the
other shall forsake their attached place of worship, abandon their
sentiments, or remain totally silent in relation to them, on pain
of having the harmony and peace of the family destroyed--would be
to exhibit a spirit totally ungenerous, and in violation of every
dictate of the Christian religion.
I have made these suggestions, not only for the benefit of those who
have recently entered upon married life, but to admonish those who
are unmarried to come to an understanding on this subject, and make
all these arrangements before the consummation of their vows. Or,
what is still better, let these considerations convince the youthful
of the necessity of making a similarity of religious sentiment one
of the chief qualifications in forming a tie, which, for good or
evil, will connect them with another during the remainder of the
earthly journey.