matrimony is viewed in a light so romantic--its pathway seeming to
be so in the midst of rosy clouds, so fanned by ambrosial gales, so
intermixed with flowery meads and rural bowers, the songs of birds
and murmuring streams--that it is exceedingly difficult for them to
follow a train of sober thought on the subject. It is important,
however, that they should seek to rise above these deceptive
conceptions, and take such a view of this matter, as shall approach
the reality, and save them from the disappointment which so often
follows this consummation of their fondest dreams.
The selection of a companion for life is a transaction altogether
more serious than the young appear generally to view it. They too
often forget, that from all the world, they are choosing one to
walk with them in closest intimacy, during all their days; and that
it depends on the wisdom of their choice, whether the journey of
life shall be peaceful and pleasant, or sad and wretched. It has
passed into a species of proverb, that the selection of a wife
or a husband, is like purchasing a ticket in a lottery--no one
knows whether a prize or a blank will be drawn. There is too much
truth in this saying, as selections of husbands and wives are
often made. When the young are governed in such things, by fancy
rather than judgment--when they are carried away captives by some
outward, worthless attraction, rather than by solid and useful
qualities--their success will, indeed, depend on blind chance. But
there is no necessity for so great a hazard. A young man, or a young
woman, may positively know beforehand, whether they will draw a
prize or a blank. In fact, they may select the _prizes_ without any
mistake, and let the _blanks_ go for what they are worth. Let them
exercise but an ordinary degree of judgment, sound discrimination
and good sense, and there will be no danger of drawing a blank.
When a young man has attained to a suitable age, and is engaged in
some honest and useful occupation, whereby he is in possession of
means to maintain a family, it then becomes not only a privilege,
but a _duty_, to select a wife, to be the sharer of his joys
and his sorrows. In making this choice, he should act calmly,
deliberately, and thoughtfully. He should bear in mind that he is
selecting, not for a day, or a year, but for all life. The object
of his affections should be one, who will live pleasantly with
him, and make him happy, not for a few months only, but during long
years to come, when the romance of marriage shall have been
succeeded by the cares and struggles of maturer life. She should be
one of whom he can say, in the words of the poet:--
"Oft as clouds my path o'erspread,
Doubtful where my steps should tread,
She, with judgment's steady ray,
Marks and smooths the better way."
There is no greater folly than to select a wife for mere personal
beauty alone. Beauty will always have its attractions; and when
connected with an amiable disposition and useful qualifications,
its influence, cannot be objected to. But when unaccompanied with
these characteristics, its power is to be resisted, and the heart
steeled against all its fascinations. The young man who permits
himself to fall so desperately in love with a lady, on account of
mere personal beauty, as to marry her, despite the counsel of his
friends, and when he himself sees, or might see, a sad want of
other and more valuable qualifications, commits an error, the
wretched effects of which will be experienced through life. When
this outward beauty loses its charm and passes away, as it will
in a brief space of time, what has he left? A cross-grained,
ill-natured, fault-finding, petulant, selfish wife, who will prove
a "thorn in his side," during all his days, rather than a loving
and valuable companion.
Good looks are always attractive. But there is something still more
desirable in a wife, viz., a sweet disposition and an even temper,
a gentle, affectionate heart, and a well-cultivated and enlightened
mind. Let young men, by all means, seek for such qualifications in
those whom they would choose for their companions. In these
characteristics there is a beauty and loveliness which will not
fade away with the consummation of marriage; but they will grow
brighter and more attractive from year to year, during all life.
Moreover, I would caution young men against allowing their hearts
to be taken captive under circumstances where they are especially
exposed to deception. A young woman may exhibit a fine appearance
in a ball-room--may be very attractive at a party, and cut a
fashionable and dashing figure in the public streets, and still
make a poor, good-for-nothing wife. These are the last places in
which choice should be made of a companion, to render aid and
comfort amid the struggles of life. Whenever your attention is
attracted by a young lady, study her in the family circle--learn
her domestic qualifications. Is she a respectful, dutiful, loving
daughter? Is she a kind and affectionate sister? Does she manifest
a noble, generous, friendly spirit? Does she exhibit delicacy,
refinement, and purity in her tastes and manners? Is she
industrious, economical, and frugal in her habits? Will she be
likely to assist you in husbanding your income, and taking care of
your earnings? Is she thoroughly versed in all domestic affairs, so
that she herself could do all things connected with household
matters, should necessity require it? These, I acknowledge, are
very ordinary, very homely inquiries; but nevertheless they are of
the highest importance. A young man who will marry, without having
thoroughly made all such investigations, and becoming satisfied
that his intended is not deficient, to any great extent, in these
qualifications, is blind to his own highest good, and will in long
after-years, amid domestic inquietude, and family troubles, indulge
unavailing regrets at his blindness and folly. But whenever a young
woman can be found, possessing these invaluable characteristics, I
would advise the youth seeking for a companion, to win her for a
wife if possible. Although she may be plain in person, and poor in
property, yet she will be of more worth than rubies; and all riches
cannot be compared with her. She will be a faithful friend and wise
counsellor, and will smooth the rugged pathway of life. However the
world and its affairs may go without, he who has such a wife, will
ever have a home, where neatness and comfort, peace and love, and
all that can yield contentment and enjoyment, will smile upon him!
All the care, discrimination, and judgment urged on young men in
selecting wives, I would commend to young ladies, in accepting
husbands. If to the former, marriage is an important event, fraught
with consequences lasting as life, it is peculiarly so to the
latter. It surely is no trivial event for a daughter to leave the
home of her childhood, the tender care and watchful guardianship of
kind parents, the society of affectionate brothers and sisters, to
confide herself, with all her interests and her happiness, to
another with whom she has hitherto associated only as a friend. Is
it not necessary to exercise prudence, forethought, discretion, in
taking a step so momentous?
A young woman should not marry because the youthful are expected
to enter matrimonial bonds at a certain age, nor merely because they
have had an offer of marriage. Such an admonition may seem to be
unnecessary; but I think it called for. It is true, beyond question,
that young women sometimes receive the addresses, and finally
become the wives, of men for whom they have formed no very strong
attachment, and, indeed, in whom they see many characteristics and
habits, which they cannot approbate. This is done on the principle,
that it is the first offer of marriage they have had, and may be the
only opportunity of settlement for life that will ever present
itself. Not a few parents have urged their daughters to such a
course--totally blinded to the evils which often flow from it.
Such a procedure is fraught with danger. It perils the happiness of
all coming days. How many have, under such circumstances, left the
abode of their childhood, where every comfort surrounded them, to
spend a life of wrangling, bitterness, and, sometimes, abject
poverty. Better, a thousand times, to remain at home, better live
in "single blessedness" all your days, than to become connected
with a man whose disposition, habits, or character, you cannot
fully approve. Though he may be as rich as Cresus--though he may
lead you to a palace for an abode, and deck you with jewels--yet,
if you cannot give him your entire approbation, if your heart's
fondest affections are not centred upon him, if he is not all you
can sanction and love, unite not your destiny with him. The life of
a contented, useful "old maid" is infinitely to be preferred to
that of a wretched, heart-broken wife. "Those unequal marriages
which are sometimes called _excellent matches_, seldom produce much
happiness. And where happiness is not, what _is_ all the rest?"
In accepting the addresses of young men, with a view to matrimony,
allow me to caution you against being too much influenced by good
looks and fascinating manners. It is due to young ladies to say,
that they show much more good sense in this respect than the other
sex. They do not select their companions so much on the ground of
mere personal beauty, without reference to higher and better
qualifications, as do young men. Still, a precaution to them on
this point will not be wholly useless.
Here is a young man who is gay in his manners, and fashionable in
his attire--a dandy of the first water, all buckled and strapped
after the latest pattern. His bosom is decked with golden chains,
and his fingers with platter rings. His tongue is as prolific of
lackadaisical words, as his head is devoid of good sense. He showers
the politest attentions in the assembly room, or during the ride, or
walk. He is, in fine, the very beau ideal of a "ladies' man!" There
is another young man. His manners are respectful, but without
courtly polish. His dress is plain and neat, with no display and no
gaudy ornaments. He knows nothing of the thousand ways and arts by
which the other makes himself so agreeable. He has no "small talk"
in his vocabulary, and must utter sound sense, on useful subjects,
or remain silent He may appear somewhat awkward in his attentions to
ladies, but is, nevertheless, friendly and obliging in his demeanor.
In his whole life and character, he is a retiring, but most worthy
youth. Are there not some young ladies who would prefer the company
of the showy, chattering fop; who would receive his address, yea,
accept him as a husband, and reject the diffident, modest youth? Yet
the latter would make a kind, affectionate, provident husband;
likely to attain to respectability, high-standing, and wealth:
while the former would most probably prove a poor, cross-grained
broken-stick; ill-natured, and perhaps dissipated; dragging wife and
family into the insignificance and poverty to which he speedily
would sink! Surely discreet young ladies will think many times, and
weigh well the consequences, before making such a choice.
Where the hand of a young woman is sought in marriage, she should
look beyond the mere personal accomplishments of dress, manners,
and conversational powers of him who would make her his wife. Many
an individual who has the appearance and manners of a gentleman,
is, in reality, a black-hearted villain--a marriage with, whom
would seal their wretchedness for life. In accepting a husband,
there are certain requisite which young women should consider as
indispensable.
He should have some honest and useful trade, profession, or
occupation. A "do-nothing" young man, will assuredly make a
"good-for-nothing" husband. No one can justly charge you with sordid
motives, for scrutinizing critically his capability to secure to
you, and such family as may gather around you, a maintenance that
shall insure you against poverty and want.
His habits should be unexceptionable. He should be honest, upright,
truthful, industrious, and economical--pure in his conversation and
tastes. Not only should he have the ability to obtain a livelihood,
but should possess prudence and frugality to lay up and secure the
fruits of his industry.
Above all, he should be strictly and rigidly _temperate_. On this
point I would speak with emphasis. Most earnestly would I admonish
young women never to unite their destiny with, that of a drinking
young man. Alas! how many a wife, when too late, has lamented in
bitter tears her short-sightedness in this respect. A young man,
who, in this age of temperance, has not sufficient self-respect,
pride of character, and good sense, to refrain from the intoxicating
bowl before marriage, will be very likely to sink into a common
drunkard afterwards. This is not always the case; but the exceptions
are so rare, that she who ventures the risk, places herself in a
condition which hazards her happiness for life. However proper his
other habits may be, however amiable and pleasant his disposition,
however bright and promising his prospects, however high his
position, or respectable his family connections--if he drinks the
lethean draught, even but sparingly, he is tampering with a viper,
which will almost certainly sting him to death, and poison the joys,
and destroy the prosperity of all connected with him.
The world is filled with scenes which attest the need of this
admonition. All around we behold the wrecks of families, torn
asunder by the intemperance of husbands and fathers, which otherwise
might have been united and happy. Wives forsaken broken-hearted,
impoverished--children beggared and neglected, growing up in rags
and ignorance, to become the victims of sin and shame. All these
attest the danger that woman encounters, who links her destiny with
a drinking young man. O ye youthful and inexperienced, turn not a
cold ear to my exhortation. With all the solemnity the momentous
topic inspires, I beseech you, as you value a life of peace and
prosperity, never, under any possible consideration, give your hand
to a man who presses to his lips the intoxicating cup! Though you
may have granted your affections, and plighted your troth, to one
who is given, even but slightly, to this practice, if on your
earnest expostulation, he will not abandon it, you should, without
hesitation, break all connection with him. Every consideration of
prudence, self-respect, and safety, urges you to such a step,
however painful; and every law, human and divine, will justify you
in adopting it.
The suggestions which follow, on the views of Marriage that should
be entertained by young men, and "Female qualifications for
Marriage," are so appropriate and excellent, that I cannot forbear
giving them an insertion in these pages.
"Whatever advice may be given to the contrary by friends or foes, it
is my opinion that you ought to keep matrimony steadily in view. For
this end, were it for no other, you ought to mingle much in society.
Never consider yourself complete without this other half of
yourself. It is too much the fashion among young men at the present
day to make up their minds to dispense with marriage;--an unnatural,
and therefore an unwise plan. Much of our character, and most of our
comfort and happiness depend upon it. Many have found this out too
late; that is, after age and fixed habits had partly disqualified
them for this important duty.
"According to the character of the person you select, in a
considerable degree, will be your own. Should a mere face fascinate
you to a _doll_, you will not need much mental energy to please her;
and the necessity of exertion on this account being small, your own
self will sink, or at least not rise, as it otherwise might do.
"But were I personally acquainted with you, and should I perceive an
_honorable_ attachment taking possession of your heart, I should
regard it as a happy circumstance. Life then has an object. The only
thing to be observed is that it be managed with prudence, honor, and
good sense.
"The case of John Newton is precisely in point. In very early life
this man formed a strong attachment to a lady, under circumstances
which did not permit him to make it known which was probably well
for both parties. It did not diminish _her_ happiness, so long as
she remained in ignorance on the subject; and in scenes of sorrow,
suffering, and temptation, the hope of one day obtaining her soothed
him, and kept him from performing many dishonorable actions. 'The
bare possibility,' he says, 'of seeing her again, was the only
obvious means of restraining me from the most horrid designs,
against myself and others.'
"The wish to marry, if _prudently_ indulged, will lead to honest and
persevering exertions to obtain a reasonable income--one which will
be satisfactory to the object of your hopes, as well as to her
friends. He who is determined on living a single life, very
naturally contracts his endeavors to his own narrow personal wants,
or else squanders freely, in the belief that he can always procure
enough to support himself. Indeed it cannot have escaped even the
careless observer that in proportion as an individual relinquishes
the idea of matrimony, just in the same proportion do his mind and
feelings contract. On the contrary that hope which aims at a beloved
partner--a family--a fireside--will lead its possessor to activity
in all his conduct. It will elicit his talents, and urge them to
their full energy, and probably call in the aid of economy; a
quality so indispensable to every condition of life. The single
consideration, 'What would she think were she now to see me?'
called up by the obtrusion of a favorite image,--how often has it
stimulated a noble mind and heart to deeds which otherwise had never
been performed!
"I repeat it, I am aware that this advice is liable to abuse. But
what shall be done? Images of some sort will haunt the mind more or
less--female influence in some shape or other, will operate. Is it
not better to give the imagination a virtuous direction than to
leave it to range without control, and without _end_?
"I repeat it, nothing is better calculated to preserve a young man
from the contamination of low pleasures and pursuits, than frequent
intercourse with the more refined and virtuous of the other sex.
Besides, without such society his manners can never acquire the
true polish of a gentleman,--general character, dignity, and
refinement;--nor his mind and heart the truest and noblest
sentiments of a man. Make it an object then, I again say, to spend
some portion of every week of your life in the company of
intelligent and virtuous ladies. At all events, flee solitude, and
especially the exclusive society of your own sex. The doctrines even
of Zimmerman, the great apostle of solitude, would put to shame many
young men, who seldom or never mix in female society.
"If you should be so unfortunate as not to have among your
acquaintance any ladies whose society would, in these points of
view, be profitable to you, do not be in haste to mix with the
ignorant and vulgar; but wait patiently till your own industry and
good conduct shall give you admission to better circles; and in the
meantime cultivate your mind by reading and thinking, so that when
you actually gain admission to good society, you may know how to
prize and enjoy it. Remember, too, that you are not to be so selfish
as to think nothing of contributing to the happiness of others. It
is blessed to _give_ as well as to _receive_.
"When you are in the company of ladies, beware of silliness. It is
true they will sooner forgive foolishness than ill manners, but you
will, of course, avoid both. I know one young gentleman of great
promise, who adopted the opinion that in order to qualify himself
for female society, he had only to become as foolish as possible,
while in their presence. That young man soon lost the favor of all
whose friendship might have operated as a restraint; but unwilling
to associate with the despicable, and unable to live in absolute
solitude, he chose the bottle for his companion; and made himself,
and the few friends he had, miserable.
"Nothing, unless it be the coarsest flattery, will give more
offence, in the end, than to treat ladies as mere playthings or
children. On the other hand, do not become pedantic, and lecture
them on difficult subjects. They readily see through all this.
Neither is it good manners or policy to talk much of yourself. They
can penetrate this also; and they despise the vanity which produces
it. In detecting deception, they are often much quicker than we
apprehend.
"A young gentleman, in one of the New England States, who had
assumed the chair of the pedagogue, paid his addresses to the
beautiful and sensible daughter of a respectable farmer. One day,
as she was present in his school, he read to her a hymn, which he
said was from his own pen. Now it was obvious to this lady, and even
to some of the pupils, that the hymn was none other than that
usually known by the name of the 'Harvest Hymn,' modified by the
change of a few words only. How much effect this circumstance might
have had I cannot say with certainty; but I know it disgusted _one_,
at least, of the pupils; and I know, too, that his addresses to the
lady were soon afterwards discontinued.
"A young man who would profit from the society of young ladies, or
indeed from any society, must preserve a modest and respectful
spirit; must seek to conciliate their good will by quiet and
unostentatious attentions, and discover more willingness to avail
himself of their stock of information, than to display his own
knowledge or abilities.
"He should observe, and learn to admire, that purity and ignorance
of evil, which is the characteristic of well-educated young ladies,
and which, while we are near them, raises us above those sordid and
sensual considerations which hold such sway over _men_, in their
intercourse with each other. He should treat them as spirits of a
purer sphere, and try to be as innocent, if not as ignorant of evil
as they are; remembering that there is no better way of raising
himself in the scale of intellectual and moral being. But to
whatever degree of intimacy he may arrive, he should never forget
those little acts of courtesy and kindness, as well as that respect,
and self-denial, which lend a charm to every kind of polite
intercourse, and especially to that of which I am now speaking.
"Whenever an opportunity occurs, however, it is the duty of a
young man to introduce topics of conversation which are decidedly
favorable to mental and moral improvement. Should he happen to be
attending to the same study, or reading the same book with a female
acquaintance, an excellent opportunity will be afforded for putting
this rule in practice.
FEMALE QUALIFICATIONS FOR MARRIAGE.
"The highest as well as the noblest trait in female character,
is love to God. When we consider what are the tendencies of
Christianity to elevate woman from the state of degradation to
which she had, for ages, been subjected--when we consider not only
what it has done, but what it is destined yet to do for her
advancement,--it is impossible not to shrink from the presence of
an impious, and above all an unprincipled atheistical female, as
from an ungrateful and unnatural being.
"Man is under eternal obligations to Christianity and its Divine
Author, undoubtedly; but woman seems to be more so.
"That charge against females which in the minds of some
half-atheistical men is magnified into a stigma on Christianity
itself, namely, that they are more apt to become religious than
men; and that we find by far the greater part of professing
Christians to be females, is in my own view one of the highest
praises of the sex. I rejoice that their hearts are more
susceptible than ours, and that they do not war so strongly against
that religion which their nature demands. I have met with but one
female, whom I knew to be an avowed atheist.