From a People not Honest, and void of all Reason;
From running of Goods, which is ne’er out of Season;
~Libera nos, Domine.~_
_From dry’d up Potatoes, without any Butter;
From unwholesome Water, which gives the wild Squtter;
From Priests, who in ~Latin~ to Blockheads do mutter;
~Libera nos, Domine.~_
_From Women whose Features wou’d frighten the Devil;
From Children whose Skin’s like an Orange of ~Sevil~;
And are bred from the Womb to all manner of Evil;
~Libera nos, Domine.~_
_From thick Bonny-clabber, a Med’cine for Witches;
From ~Usquebaugh~, loved by all drunken Bitches;
From Vermin, which makes ’em scratch where it Itches;
~Libera nos, Domine.~_
_From getting of Children, but nothing to keep ’em;
From Corn-Fields, where idle Lubbers won’t reap ’em;
From Fleas, where People by Bushels may weep ’em;
~Libera nos, Domine.~_
_From wretchedly living in our poor Condition;
From Beggars, whose Pride for great Places petition;
Or else from the Dunghil wou’d bear a Commission.
~Libera nos, Domine.~_
_From Mayors, full as foolish as guzling Churchwardens,
From ~Dublin~, full of Whores as the ~Spring-Gardens~;
From a ~Papist~, whose Heart against ~Protestants~ hardens;
~Libera nos, Domine.~_
_From running o’er Bogs, in all sorts of Weather,
From wearing flat Brogues, made of nasty hard Leather,
From wearing slight Trowsers, which scarce hang together;
~Libera nos, Domine.~_
_From going bare-foot, both Summer and Winter;
From wearing a Smock till it’s whiter than Tinder;
From ~Poets~, whose Parts will never reach ~Pindar~;
~Libera nos, Domine.~_
_From Knights of the Post against Innocents swearing,
From Doxies, whose Mouths for raw Flesh are staring;
And from their Presumption of Mens Breeches wearing;
~Libera nos, Domine.~_
_From Lice, Itch, and Scabs, the Plague of our Nation;
From Pimps, who claim rich Men for a Relation;
And from our blind Way of gaining Salvation;
~Libera nos, Domine.~_
_From Cook-Maids as nasty as any Gold finder;
From Pastors as blind as a Beetle and blinder;
From Strumpets, whom Money make never the kinder,
~Libera nos, Domine.~_
_From trading with ~France~, to get ourselves Riches;
From often cooling our Courage in Ditches;
T’asswage the rebellious Flesh in the Breeches;
~Libera nos, Domine.~_
_From Blind leading blind Folks, and Criples the Criple;
From going to Church without any Steeple;
From Ropes without Bells, to ring in the People;
~Libera nos, Domine.~_
_From Rapparees medling with Travellers Purses;
From Servants as base as damn’d Parish Nurses;
From Teaguelanders full of Damnation and Curses.
~Libera nos, Domine.~_
Bidding adieu to _Balinosloe_, I went to _Aghrim_, where the Number of
Houses exceed not a Pair-Royal of Aces; however, the Place will be ever
memorable in History, for the decisive Battle fought here, which reduced
a whole Kingdom to the Obedience of the _Protestant_ King _William_.
And all over the Plain here lie scatter’d Heaps of Mens Sculls to this
Day; insomuch that it does not only represent _Golgotha_, but had also
the Father of that _Grecian_ Hero dwelt here, who wept for more Worlds
to add to his Conquests, he might have sav’d his Page the Labour of
shewing him at Meals the ghastful Emblem of Mortality. Hence I proceeded
to _Loghrea_, where is kept the chiefest Market in all the Province of
_Connaught_; and from thence going to _Killilel_, I saw a small wooden
Cross set tottering upon a Heap of Stones in the Road; about which some
Priest, and his bigotted Tribe, had been mumbling a _Pater Noster_, and
_Ave Maria_ to the Blessed Lady. At _Balihavely_ I took Notice of an old
Castle metamorphosed into a Cow-House; and next I went to _Athenrea_,
an ancient, but much ruinated Town, built by old King _John_ of merry
Memory. Then I came to _Galway_, a large Seaport Town, situated on the
River _Caarle_; when I first enter’d this Place, I really took it to be a
general Goal for the whole Kingdom; for the Houses (which are some one,
some two, and some three Stories high) are all strongly built of Stone,
and most of the Windows thick barricadoed with thick Iron Bars, insomuch
that there are not the like Buildings to be seen through the Country for
Strength. In the Midst of this Town stands a Church, dedicated to honest
St. _Nicholas_, whose Steeple hath a pretty good Set of Bells, and its
Chimes are somewhat Musical, but not well approv’d by the _Fanaticks_,
because they are set to the Tune of a _Psalm_. Moreover, in this Church
are two Pulpits, one for the Doctor to preach in, and one for the
Archbishop of _Tuam_, in case his Preferment makes him not above it.
The Women of this Country are generally so homely, that had the Mother of
all Living been as ugly, when she took her ill-condition’d Being from one
of Father _Adam_’s Ribs, her frightful Phisiognomy had forc’d the Godhead
to act the sixth Day over again. Seeing the female Sex so ordinary, to
comfort them under this Misfortune, I composed the following Lines,
call’d the Picture of an _Irish_ Woman.
_Of all the Creatures I have ever found,
An ~Irish~ Woman is a strange Compound!
Unseemly Gestures wanton Sports betray,
Yet talk of Love, she knows not what to say.
Her chiefest Breeding lies in milking Cows,
Her Face is only fit to fright the Crows;
Her Breasts are large, her Belly somewhat hard,
And Modesty’s a Thing she’ll ne’er regard:
But yet to give the ~Teagueland~ Beast her Due,
Her Skin is really a ~Mulatto~’s Hue;
Ugly’s her Hand, yet Legs so little be,
That litler Mill-Posts you shall seldom see.
Her roving Eyes lascivious Looks betray,
And as the Night obscures a glorious Day,
So Ragged Mantles, or a Cloak do’s hide
Those Imperfections which we should deride.
Splavin’s her Foot, irregular her Nose,
Which always is uncleanly as her Cloaths;
Her Buttocks swell, like lustful Bull his Cod,
And Knees are never bended to her God:
For, when at Leisure, her Devotion’s most
Bestow’d on Priest, and consecrated Host.
Her Speech discovers a perfidious Heart,
The which on very easie Terms she’ll part;
And as for that strange Cup which Water keeps
With downward Mouth, awake, or when she sleeps,
Let her be honest Woman, Maid, or Whore,
Like Death and Hell ’tis gaping still for more._
But yet for all this Dearth of handsome Women, this Country in another
Respect is far happier than _England_, as being less infected with
_Lawyers_, that common Bane of all Mankind. The wild _Irish_, in
all Courts of Judicature, are sworn upon a Scull; herein being more
scrupulous of forswearing themselves, than by taking a false Oath on the
_New-Testament_; as supposing the Ghost to whom that Scull once pertain’d
would haunt them, in case they prov’d perjur’d. Assizes are held twice a
Year for criminal Matters, and Cases of _Nisi prius_; and tho’ _Astræa_
left no Print of her Footsteps in this Nation when she fled to Heaven,
yet so partial is blindfold Justice here betwixt Man and Beast, that
the Stone Pounds for offending Cattle seem stronger built than Goals
for Malefactors. Murderers are hang’d and quarter’d; and _Rapparees_
share the same Fate: Which last in former Times was the _Militia_ of
the Country, but the mean Souls of the _Irish_ detesting now what is
honourable and Praiseworthy, to follow Theft, this martial Denomination
suffers the same hard Fate with those honest Names of _Tyrant_ and
_Sophister_, which from Titles of Honour are degenerated into Terms
of the greatest Disgrace and Infamy; for a _Rapparee_ now signifies
no more than a Robber on the Highway. As for the great Commerce the
People drives, that was plainly perceiv’d by meeting neither Waggon nor
Pack-Horse 100 Miles an End. The wild Native _Irish_ observe more Days
of Fasting and Abstinence than the Rubrick of their Church enjoyns them;
because extream Poverty excludes them from the Use of Flesh and Fowl from
one Year’s End to another. Their Lodging is in small Cabbins, without
Chimneys, put up in the Highways; and in these the Man, his Wife and
Children, Cocks, Hens, Chickens, Hogs, Pigs, Cows, Calves and Geese lie
all together. If _Teague_ is so topping as to rent a small Potatoe-Garden
for 5 Shillings _per Annum_, he thinks himself as well to pass as that
_Italian_ Duke, who’s married Yearly to the _Adriatic_ Sea; however, his
Tenement shall be no better furnish’d than the rest of his Neighbours;
which is commonly set off with a Truss of Straw to lie on, a Grid-Iron,
and Pot to boil _Potatoes_. These wild People wear neither Shoes nor
Stockings, which makes me strongly to suspect that they are born without
any, as Monsieur _Ragou_’s Bastard was without a Shirt; and as often
as I behold their tatter’d Apparel, which scarce covers what Modesty
ought to conceal, I imagine them to proceed from the Loyns of _Ham_, who
discovering his Father’s Nakedness, the Curse of him and his Posterity
lay in never being well cloath’d again.
Here are no Stage-Coaches; and instead of Carts they use only little
Cars, with small Wheels without Spokes, so that they cannot carry above 3
or 400 Weight of Tallow, which is one of the chiefest Commodities of this
Country. Sliding Carts are also very common, imitating much our Halliers
in _Bristol_. Instead of Soap they use _Cackmacrel_, that is, the
Excrements of Dogs whether thick or thin, which poor Women gather up in
the Streets with as great Pains as they do Rags in _London_. In _England_
Women ride upon the left Side of a Horse, but here they ride upon the
wrong Side; and very often astride. Most Things edible or potable are
very cheap; but why is that? Because Money is scarce, which makes an
_English_ Shillings go for 13 Pence, and a Guinea 1 Pound 3 Shillings,
which is considerable above their intrinsick Value. The Inhabitants of
this Kingdom greatly admire a Dish of Potatoes, to which they have such
an Appetite, that I believe they long for ’em after they are dead; for
in most Potatoe-Gardens many Souls, grinning strangely at this delicious
Food, which is both Bread and Meat to an _Irishman_; but whether they get
thither by Accident, or some sympathetical Vertue, whose strange Effect
proceeding from as strange a Cause, the Relicks of their mortal Carcasses
will insensibly creep (like the Sun’s Shadow on a Dial) to what they most
affected in this Lite, is a Subject on which I shall not insist. For
above 40 Miles together I could not see a Stack of Hay; and Beasts are
very small here, excepting the Woman, who being great Breeders, stand
hard and fast by that primary Command, _Increase and multiply_; but I
suppose their Obedience to this Precept is more by natural Instinct,
than acquir’d by any Knowledge of the Scriptures, to which they are as
meer Strangers as the remotest Heathens. So boggy is most part of the
Country, that if it is not _Lucifer_’s Backside, one may very reasonably
impute it to be the grand Magazine of Nature’s Impurity. Popery is very
predominant; for altho’ severe Acts are made against Jesuits, Monks, and
Fryers, yet secular Priests, who own no Ecclesiastical Jurisdiction of
the See of _Rome_, are tolerated to say Mass. Besides, several private
Nunneries, the _Papists_ have public Chapels here; one about a Furlong or
two without the West-Gate of _Galway_, dedicated to the Virgin _Mary_;
and another a little without Abby-Gate, dedicated to St. _Francis_.
Superstition has a great Ascendant over their Faith; for about half a
Mile without _William_’s Gate are two Wells, dedicated to the blessed
Lady and St. _Tavison_, round which every _Sunday_ Morning they walk
bare-foot an Hour together, mumbling over their Beads, and then crossing
themselves with the Water, which they hold to be good against several
Infirmities, they return home as little sanctified as they went. The
Pulpit-Prayers us’d by the _Protestant_ Clergy in _Ireland_, are scarce
as long as the Lord’s Prayer and Doxology; for they are all as idle as
our _English_ Parsons, who don’t preach, but read Sermons, excepting here
and there one that scorns to teach his Congregation out of a Book.
From _Galway_ I went to _Carmorris_, on the left Hand whereof are several
Houses paying Tribute to the Ruins of Fire and Sword. Next I went to
_Balihove_, in the County of _Mayo_; and truly of all the _Irish_
Counties commend me to this for good Fellowship; for here they will kill
one another to raise a Rundlet of _Aqua-vitæ_. As passing through this
Country, I overtook a little Car loaded with this Liquor, which they
prefer above their beloved _Usquebaugh_, drawing before a Corpse; and as
soon as the senseless Clod was interr’d in an obscure Place among Bogs
and Hills, they fell heartily to their strong Sippings, which they drew
out into square wooden Cups, and thence took it out agen with Egg-shels,
which serv’d instead of Tasters. For my part being a Stranger, they
invited me to participate of their Liquor; accordingly I tarried with
them, to see their Manners; ’till the Spirits flew so much into their
Heads, that one Brother in a Quarrel kill’d another. Hereupon some were
for carrying him to Justice, and others again for hiding the bloody
Fact; thus whilst a long Controversie held concerning what to do in this
tragical Matter, an old Man among ’em starts up, and addresses himself as
follows.
“Loving Friends and Acquaintance, in taking our last Farewel of
a Neighbour here departed, the Funeral Meeting has unhappily
occasion’d the Loss of another. Now if we should deliver up
this Criminal to the Government, the Severity of their Justice
will deprive us of a third Friend; which Punishment will not
retrieve the Life of his unfortunate Brother. Wherefore, to
prevent the Survivor’s untimely End, we’ll presently send to
see what Goods and Chattles the Deceased owns; and raising
therewith another Rundlet of _Aqua-vitæ_, we’ll privately bury
our lately departed Brother, and drink his _Requiem_, without
taking any farther Notice of this Disaster to our heretical
Foes”.
These were his Words as near as I can remember, and his Advice being
applauded by all the Auditors, another Rundlet of _Aqua Vitæ_ is fetc’d;
but by that time it was near out, a fresh Quarrel arose, wherein a second
Person was murder’d; which being likewise smother’d and a fresh Rundlet
of _Aqua Vitæ_ procur’d, I took my leave of these kind Heats, for fear
they should at last raise a drunken Collation out of me. So I made the
best of my way for _Foxford_, a very large Town, with a Church in it,
lying among very high Hills. Hence I went to _Lorras_, an excellent
Harbour for Ships, situated in a Bay, twining among exceeding high
Mountains. Thence I went to _Sligo_, which hath a strong Citadel, by a
Bridge containing Eight Stone Arches. Hence I went to _Grange_; from
thence to _Balishannon_, a Seaport Town; hence I went to _Donnegal_,
a Town situated on a Hill, and was burnt by the Duke of _Berwick_, in
the late _Irish_ Wars. Hence I went over _Barnsmoor_, a Mount Ten Miles
in Length, in the Province of _Ulster_; but about a Mile before I came
to the End of it, _Colcrockeda_ [or the Hangman’s] Wood begins; where
a great many _Tories_ or _Rapparees_ have been hang’d, when they made
their solitary Receptacles in this desolate and dangerous Place for
robbing. Hence I went to _Rapho_, a Bishoprick, with a very little Church
in it. And next I went to _London-Derry_, the People whereof have such
good Stomachs as to eat Cats, Rats, Dogs and Horse-flesh in time of a
Siege. The most remarkable Thing I saw hereabout was the Gallows, which
stands about half a Mile out of Town, and is of a Triangular Form, like
our Triple-Tree at _Hyde-Park_ Corner; but as yet has not honour’d the
_Roman_ See with so many Saints and Martyrs as that in _England_.
From _London-Derry_ I went to _Colrain_, a Seaport Town divided by the
_Byrne_ Water into Two Parts, so that it stands in the Counties of
_Derry_ and _Antrim_, which last Shire is much haunted with Fairies, who
are so mischievous as to fling Darts at People as they Travel in the
Night. I saw one of ’em, which is a flat solid Stone, about Two Inches
long, and in Shape like a Vamp or upper Leather of a Woman’s pecked Toe
Shoe; one side white, t’other inclining to the same Colour, but speckled
with red Spots; and is reckon’d very medicinal, if us’d according
to Prescription, for the sore Teats of Cows. The _Irish_ People, I
perceiv’d all the Way I Travell’d, are haughty of Heart, implacable in
Enmity; light of Belief, and patient _per_ Force in Hunger and Cold.
_Damage-fesant_ is seldom committed, because here are few or no Hedges;
nor can Forrest Laws be in much Use, when I saw not one from one End
of the Kingdom to the other. Brogues are more worn than Shoes by both
Sexes; their Mouths supply the Use of Bellows; a Pail of Water serves ’em
for a Looking-Glass; and Cleanliness is as much unknown to them, as the
Discoveries of _Christopher Columbus_ to the Antients. The richer Sort
of Women wear blue Cloth Cloaks, in all Weathers, as a Type or Symbol of
their Desire of wearing the Breeches too; but their Husbands to mar their
Intentions, generally wear Trowsers made of Frize, which is the staple
Commodity of the Country. The midling Rank of Women wear Riding-Hoods;
and the Poor ones clad themselves with course Mantles, thrown over their
Kerchiefs, which are as black as their Bodies, and their Bodies as black
as their Souls, but yet their Souls are blacker than either; if it was
but for their Malice, contrary to the _11th_ Commandment, commanding,
_That ye love one another_.
Tho’ the Women differ in their Habits, yet both Gentle and Simple count
Decency in Dressing meer Idolatry; and that their Stockings may hang
flatteringly about their Heels, they have utterly forsworn the Use of
Garters. Those who are married are generally dull and sottish, so that
when their Husbands come home, they look like so many Passion-Pictures,
presenting ever Sadness and Melancholly; which makes the poor Cuckolds
like _Spaniards_, who will leave their Saviour at any Time for a
Maidenhead, look as dull. Yea, an _Irishman_ loves a Whore as well as a
_Frenchman_; and tho’ the Superstition of former Times accounted a Woman
of such Pollution, that the Council of _Eliberis_ would not suffer a
Man to touch her three Days before his receiving the Sacrament, yet in
Defiance of all Councils, they will forsake Sacraments, and all things
else holy, rather than go without a Bit of old Hat: And this Practice of
abstaining from Women at certain Times, was (I suppose) in Use among the
antient Heathens, according to this Caution of _Tibullus_.
⸺ ⸺ _discedat ab aris,
Cui tulit hesterna gaudiis nocte Venus._ L. 2. Eleg. 1.
⸺ _From the Altars let him keep,
That in his Lady’s Arms last Night did sleep._
By this Question in the last Chapter of _Proverbs_, as I take it, _Who
can find a virtuous Woman?_ One would be apt to surmise that _Solomon_
had travell’d into this Country; and to see the People eat Clover Grass,
a Man might swear ’em all a-kin to grazing _Nebuchadnezzar_. The Genius
of the _Irish_ is not a-whit admirable, for one Age here grows not
wiser than another, like other Nations; which gives great Suspicion of
a _Metempsischosis_, or _Pythagoras_’s Transmigration of the Soul to
be true: Seeing, by the Conversation I had among the Bogtrotters, that
the younger Folks only inherit the small Sense of their Progenitors;
whose profound Knowledge was heretofore so great, as to tye Ploughs to
their Horses Tails. Their Bogs are many, whence they have all their
Fuel, for they burn nothing but Turf; Spiders are very plentiful, but
not venomous; and the common Texture spun out of their Intrails, makes
a Sort of Hangings, which the _Irish_ for Cheapness prefer much before
good Tapestry. In some Parts they make their Bread with the Bark of
Holly, from which tearing off the green Superfluities, they work it up
round like a Football, and bake it in the Embers. Their Butter being
mixt with Salt and Garlick, and put into the Skin which follows the Calf
from the Cow, they bury in a Turf-Pit for 8 or 9 Months together, which
does not only make it of a strong Taste, but likewise dies it with all
the Colours in the Rainbow: And Briskins, or the Roots of wild Tansie,
they love as well. Tho’ the Streets in every Town are very dirty, yet
their Scavengers Carts are no bigger than Wheelbarrows; and the Use of
Clogs or Pattins is an Abomination with most Women. The most epidemical
Distemper among Strangers is the bloody Flux; for which, Eggs fry’d
in Brandy is a good _Catholicon_. Few or no Patients happen among
the lying-in Women; for (like the _Hebrews_, as their pious Midwives
pretended) they are brought to Bed without any Help; wash and do all
without Nurses; and in less than half a Week do not only go abroad, but
also give Earnest for being with Child again. Their newborn Infants
are as hardy, and will endure Cold as well as any _Laplander_; or the
strongest Bear subject to the Czar of _Muscovy_. The _Irish_ Soil
mimicks Nature like the vivifying Mud of _Nile_; for I have seen the
Hairs which fall from Horses Tails into Puddles of Water on the Road,
transubstantiated (if I may be so bold as to use that Word, without any
Offence to his Unholiness the Pope) into Worms; wherefore it is no Wonder
that Priests, by the Art of _Legerdemain_, can convert good Bread and
Wine into real Flesh and Blood.