A FEW days afterwards we set out on our return to Florence. We lay one
night at a place on this side Chioggia, on the left hand as you go
toward Ferrara. Here the host insisted upon being paid before we went to
bed, and in his own way; and when I observed that it was the custom
everywhere else to pay in the morning, he answered: “I insist on being
paid overnight, and in my own way.” I retorted that men who wanted
everything their own way ought to make a world after their own fashion,
since things were differently managed here. Our host told me not to go
on bothering his brains, because he was determined to do as he had said.
Tribolo stood trembling with fear, and nudged me to keep quiet, lest
they should do something worse to us; so we paid them in the way they
wanted, and afterwards we retired to rest. We had, I must admit, the
most capital beds, new in every particular, and as clean as they could
be. Nevertheless I did not get one wink of sleep, because I kept on
thinking how I could revenge myself. At one time it came into my head to
set fire to his house; at another to cut the throats of four fine horses
which he had in the stable; I saw well enough that it was easy for me to
do all this; but I could not see how it was easy to secure myself and my
companion. At last I resolved to put my things and my comrade’s on board
the boat; and so I did. When the towing-horses had been harnessed to the
cable, I ordered the people not to stir before I returned, for I had
left a pair of slippers in my bedroom. Accordingly I went back to the
inn and called our host, who told me he had nothing to do with us, and
that we might go to Jericho. [1] There was a ragged stable-boy about,
half a sleep, who cried out to me: “The master would not move to please
the Pope, because he has got a wench in bed with him, whom he has been
wanting this long while.” Then he asked me for a tip, and I gave him a
few Venetian coppers, and told him to make the barge-man wait till I had
found my slippers and returned. I went upstairs, took out a little knife
as sharp as a razor, and cut the four beds that I found there into
ribbons. I had the satisfaction of knowing I had done a damage of more
than fifty crowns. Then I ran down to the boat with some pieces of the
bed-covers [2] in my pouch, and bade the bargee start at once without
delay. We had not gone far before my gossip Tribolo said that he had
left behind some little straps belonging to his carpet-bag, and that he
must be allowed to go back for them. I answered that he need not take
thought for a pair of little straps, since I could make him as many big
ones as he liked. [3] He told me I was always joking, but that he must
really go back for his straps. Then he began ordering the bargee to
stop, while I kept ordering him to go on. Meanwhile I informed my friend
what kind of trick I had played our host, and showed him specimens of
the bed-covers and other things, which threw him into such a quaking
fright that he roared out to the bargee: “On with you, on with you, as
quick as you can!” and never thought himself quite safe until we reached
the gates of Florence.
When we arrived there, Tribolo said: “Let us bind our swords up, for the
love of God; and play me no more of your games, I beg; for all this
while I’ve felt as though my guts were in the saucepan.” I made answer:
“Gossip Tribolo, you need not tie your sword up, for you have never
loosed it;” and this I said at random, because I never once had seen him
act the man upon that journey. When he heard the remark, he looked at
his sword and cried out: “In God’s name, you speak true! Here it is
tied, just as I arranged it before I left my house.” My gossip deemed
that I had been a bad travelling companion to him, because I resented
affronts and defended myself against folk who would have done us injury.
But I deemed that he had acted a far worse part with regard to me by
never coming to my assistance at such pinches. Let him judge between us
who stands by and has no personal interest in our adventures.