AT last I have seen him!--the travelling Englishman, the English Milord
of the French Farce--"Oah, c'est moa!" of the _Journal Comique_.
* * * * *
But if the farce Milord is grotesque, the English "Mees" is equally
ridiculous. I met, the other day, a lady of Albion, who was strutting
about with an enormous "handled" _pince-nez_ raised to her eyes, while
she expressed her opinion "that those foreigners really _do_ dress _so_
absurdly!"
* * * * *
_Diary of a Day._--At all these Stations Thermales the pleasantest hours
of the day are sacrificed to the interests of the band, the casinos, the
cercle, and the evening amusements. _Les Baigneurs serieux_ ought not to
require any amusement after 9.30, and by ten they should be in bed.
Their hours for walking and other exercise should be very early in the
morning, or late in the evening before dinner. The remainder of the day
should be given up to baths, to drinking waters, _dejeuner a la
fourchette_, and rest.
[Illustration: "L'Anglais pour rire."]
[Illustration: Mees "O'Shocking!"]
* * * * *
By the way, at the top of the daily menu at the Continental Hotel the
_dejeuner a la fourchette_ at 11 A.M. is styled "LUNCH." PULLER resents
this as strongly as he does a waiter's answering him, "Yees, Sare," when
he has given an order in his best French. Now this meal at 11 A.M. is
not an English lunch, but is the French _dejeuner a la fourchette_. Is
it becoming the common practice in hotels on the Continent? If so, the
English will soon remember that they don't come abroad for lunch--they
can "lunch" well enough at home--but they do come abroad for _dejeuner a
la fourchette_, and, if they do not get it, they will stay away.
"It's confoundedly insulting!" exclaims PULLER, indignantly. "Do they
think we don't know what a _dejeuner a la fourchette_ means? But, dash
it, you know," he goes on, in the tone of a man whom a very little more
of this sort of treatment would disgust with life generally, "they're
making everybody abroad so English." Then he repeats, "So English, you
know," in imitation of some American burlesque actor, and this has the
effect of restoring his good humour. He thinks the quotation so apt and
so humorous, that he expands in chuckles, and goes out of the
_salle-a-manger_ doing a step, and repeating, "So English, you know!"
The French, Spanish, and the visitors of various nationalities, shake
their heads, shrug their shoulders, and evidently hope he is harmless.
The waiters smile, and this reassures the guests.
* * * * *
The special merit of the Royat Drinking Waters and Baths consists in the
large amount of iron contained in them. Over the gates of the Park at
Royat, where the _Etablissement_ and _Buvettes_ are situated, should be
inscribed, for the benefit of English visitors, "Washing and Ironing
done here."
* * * * *
[Illustration: The Cravate au Moulin.]
_The Uncertain Bather._--My acquaintance MORDEL is another variety of
the genus _baigneur_. He is dissatisfied only with himself. He is
perpetually having a row with himself. The Hotel is good enough, he
says; the Doctor is all that can be desired. The baths and waters are
managed very well; but the question is, he says to himself, "Was I right
in coming here at all? Ought I not to have gone to Aix? or to Vichy? or
to Homburg? or to Mont Dore, or to La Bourboule?" "Well, but"--I say to
him, with a view to reconciling him to himself--"are the waters doing
you good?" He reluctantly admits that they are not doing him any
harm--as yet. In this state of uncertainty he remains during the whole
course of treatment, and, to the last, he is of opinion that he ought to
have gone to some other place, no matter where.
* * * * *
It is a real pleasure to see SMITH, of the Colosseum Club, meet BROWN,
also a member of the same sociable institution. He greets BROWN
heartily,--never was so glad to see anybody. Yet they are anything but
inseparables in London; and it certainly was not owing to SMITH'S good
offices that BROWN was elected to the Colosseum. BROWN has just arrived
at Royat, and is not so effusive at the sight of SMITH, as SMITH, who
has been here ten days, is on beholding BROWN. "THOMPSON'S here, so's
JONES," SMITH tells BROWN, beamingly. "Are they?" returns BROWN, who
recognises the names as those of eminent Colosseum men. "And now,"
exclaims SMITH, heartily, "in the evening we can have a rubber!" This
was why SMITH was so overjoyed at meeting BROWN; not because he was an
old friend, not even because he was a member of the same social set, but
because _he would make a fourth_! "You'll want a rubber," adds SMITH,
cajolingly. "If he does," interposes PULLER, in excellent spirits this
morning, "he'll have to go to Aix-les-Bains. They don't do the _massage_
here. Aix is the place for Rubbers." The joke falls among us like a
bombshell, and the group disperses, each wondering how long PULLER is
going to remain at Royat. His movements may govern our own!
* * * * *
Uneventful! General BOULANGER has called here to-day. No, not on me, but
on a noble English poet, who is staying at the Continental. From the
portrait in the _Salon_ I should have expected a fine fellow of six feet
high, rather Saxon and swaggery. Had he resembled his portrait I should
not have believed in him. Now I do. There is hope for BOULANGER. He is a
short man. NAPOLEON was a short man. "_Il grandira!_"
* * * * *
_Encore des Pensees._--"There is a time to talk, and a time to be
silent." The first occasion is, when I have something to say, and an
audience to say it to; the other is, when I don't feel well, and hate
everybody equally. PULLER, when high-spirited, cannot understand this.
Undergoing these Royat Waters, PULLER and myself are on a see-saw. When
he is up, I am down, and _vice versa_. After trying to breakfast
together, and to be mutually accommodating, which is done in the most
disagreeable manner possible, we separate, on account of incompatibility
of temper. Temporarily our relations are strained. This only applies to
the morning. I want to be quiet in the morning, and detest early
liveliness. JANE and myself, in future, breakfast together at our own
time, and at our own table, in a corner. (And this is also within the
first seven days of the _traitement_.)
* * * * *
[Illustration: The dear Old Things who won't have a Door or Window open
in our small Salle-a-manger.]
By the way, what a chance of _reclame_ I lost on the occasion of
BOULANGER'S visit. It never occurred to me till too late. I ought to
have been at the front door, awaiting his departure. At the moment of
his leaving, I should have left too. Then the report could have been
spread about that I had "gone out with" General BOULANGER. How
astonished M. FERRY would have been. "Quite a Fairy tale for him," says
PULLER, who wishes to exhibit his acquaintance with the proper French
pronunciation of M. FERRY'S name.
* * * * *
_The Twenty-Second Morning._--I shall give myself three days' leave of
absence, and revisit La Bourboule and Le Mont Dore. These two places are
higher up in the mountains of Auvergne.
* * * * *
_La Bourboule Revisited._--Very beautiful the line of country between
Royat and La Bourboule. But the latter is an out-of-the-way place as
compared with Royat, which has the great advantage of being within a
quarter of an hour's ride, or walk, of such a real good town as
Clermont-Ferrand, whereas La Bourboule and Mont Dore are an
hour-and-a-half's drive each of them from their own station, Laqueuille,
which is nothing more than a mere country railway station, with a simple
buffet, and four hours from Clermont-Ferrand, which I suppose is the
market town, and certainly the only place of any importance to which one
can go, "there and back again," in a long day.
Of course the descendants of BALBUS, who "_murum aedificavit" in_ our
old Latin Grammar--(Are BALBUS and CAIUS still at it in the Grammars of
the present day?)--could not leave La Bourboule alone, and villas have
been springing up in every direction. Shops, too. Already one side of a
Boulevard has been commenced, represented by half-a-dozen superior
shops, one of which, it is needless to say, is a sweet-stuff emporium,
and another a Tabac. Then they've a Hotel de Ville at La Bourboule. In
our time there was only a solitary Gendarme, in full cocked-hat and
sword, who, as an official, was a failure, but, as a playmate of the
children, and a friend of the bonnes, was a decided success. He looked
well, and inspired the stranger on his arrival. But the feeling of awe
soon wore off. Perhaps he, also, was a _baigneur_. Invalid Gendarmes
might be usefully employed in this manner, their imposing appearance at
various watering-places would inspire confidence, while they might be
benefiting their physique. Policemen could be also effectively used in
this way. "Recruiting Sergents-de-ville" they might be called, engaged
in recruiting their own health.
* * * * *
A storm of rain and wind swept us out of La Bourboule--we subsequently
heard that there was snow at Mont Dore--and drove us post-haste back to
Royat warmth--comparative warmth, that is, for they were having two or
three cold, rainy, and gusty days at Royat, too, preceding the day fixed
for the Eclipse. But such weather is bearable at Royat, if you have once
experienced it at La Bourboule. The valley of Royat is fairly high up,
and well sheltered; but as to the situation of La Bourboule and Mont
Dore, one may say, reversing the quotation, "And in the highest heights
a higher still!" "Only not, by any means still," says PULLER, who knows
the country, and whom no inducement will lead away from Royat.
* * * * *
I have mapped out a short tour by way of return from Royat, which is at
the disposition of anyone who is preparing to make himself a _baigneur_
and a _titulaire_ next season.
* * * * *
My _itineraire_ is this: London to Paris, taking care to travel by the
_Empress_ from Dover to Calais. Inquire beforehand at the L. C. and D.
Station. Victoria. Go by the A.M. Dine in Paris at 8.30. In a
forthcoming little work I contemplate benefiting the travelling public
generally with a few useful details, of which these are only hints.
Paris next morning, to Clermont-Ferrand, for Royat. At Royat, I should
naturally recommend the Hotel I know best. This is the Continental. It
may change hands next year; if it changes hands, it changes heads at the
same time, and my advice may or may not be useful.
* * * * *
Stay at Royat for cure; visit--as excursions easily done in a day, when
you're in fettle--La Bourboule and Mont Dore. For all information, ask
the most civil of men, and the most obliging, the agent, who has an
office in a line with the few shops situated on the upper terrace of the
Parc. He will tell you everything--and be delighted to do it.
* * * * *
By the way, when once you've settled your tour, take my advice, and
visit Messrs. COOK, of Ludgate Circus. Provide yourself with all your
tickets beforehand. It will save you a heap of trouble afterwards. Too
many Cooks can't spoil your journey, as you will take them on the "play
or pay" system, and it binds you to nothing, except, in case of not
using them, a slight discount; whereas, on the other hand, it helps the
person who is at all "infirm of purpose" to make up his mind, and keeps
him to his original plan, which any experienced traveller will agree
with me in saying, is, nine times out of ten, the wisest and best course
to pursue. Of this more anon in my forthcoming _parvum opus_ on this and
cognate subjects.
* * * * *
Royat (if you are a _baigneur_, recommended here by your Doctor) is an
easy place to get to, and to get away from. My friend SKURRIE, who,
immediately he has arrived at any place, passes all his time there in
consulting guide-books, maps, _Bradshaws_, COOK'S tourist books, and
local _indicateurs_, with a view to see how he can best get away, comes
to me with a paper full of closely-written details, and says, "Here's my
plan:--Royat, Lyon (why do we put an 's' on to it, and make it 'Lyons?'
it would be as sensible for the French to call Liverpool 'Liverpools,'
or Manchester 'Manchesters.' And why can't the French call London
'London,' instead of 'Londres?')--then Aix-les-Bains (for a _massage_,
and an excursion or two) ... then Geneva. This is, if you've got time to
spare. If not, in a week you can make a really refreshing tour by
pushing on from Lyon to Geneva, to Bale, to Heidelberg, to Mainz, down
the Rhine to Cologne, then Antwerp, Flushing, Queenborough. This will
complete your week, and you will return to England with a store of
variety to last you a year."
* * * * *
VALUABLE MEM. FOR A CERTAIN ARCHITECT IN HIS NEXT BUILDING
OPERATION.--"To construct a much-more-_Exiter_ Theatre than the one
recently destroyed by fire."
* * * * *