A friend of ours once told us that a doubtful sister-in-law had written
describing the weather as “boysterious.” The word pleases us. It looks
so much more graphic, spelt thus, than in the ordinary way. Well, we are
having a “boysterious” time with shifting winds, this end of March. All
the poor Pheasant-eye’s leaves are bruised and drooping, and the little
field of Narcissus under the Buddleia trees is bent and tangled. To-day
Adam has rolled away six tubs filled with last year’s Hyacinths and put
them in the border before the rough wall in the front courtyard, against
which we have last autumn planted Wichuriana Roses in divers shades of
yellow and tawny, chiefly “Jersey Beauties.” A row of Polyanthuses,
“Munstead Strain,” are blooming in front. The Hyacinths are blue. The
effect ought to be pretty in a week or so. When the Hyacinths are over
we shall go back to the old pink climbing Geraniums for the tubs, and
they will, please Heaven, flourish from June onwards between our yellow
roses. We think we will plant pink Geraniums, but we are not quite sure,
for last year we had red “Jacobys” in those tubs, and very well they
looked. We should not at all object to them in contrast to the roses.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: HONEYSUCKLE AND BITTER APPLE]
Last night Loki’s Grandmother began to plan a new garden extravagance.
She finds it very soothing when sleep abandons her pillow. We have not
half enough Honeysuckle—that’s a fact. She thinks she will order a dozen
pots. She has also a desire to get a dozen Clematis, chiefly Jackmanni,
in the mauve and purple sorts, and plant them in their pots—the only
way, she believes, in which even the commonest sorts will grow in this
ungrateful soil. Honeysuckle, we know, thrives here. One summer we took
a house on a hill near this, a little house buried in a wood, and the
whole place was exquisite with the scent of Honeysuckle. It was grown
all about the house, and over archways in the garden. Horrid archways
made of wire they were: but it didn’t matter, the Honeysuckle was the
thing. We wanted all we could get of it, for there were other odours,
not at all so nice, that lurked about. The owner of the house, thrifty
soul ‹at least we suppose it goes with a thrifty soul›, waged war
against moths with _naphthalene_ and Bitter Apple, which are _anathema
maranatha_ to us. We have had our nights poisoned in a house in Scotland
with the reek of Bitter Apple in the blankets. We don’t know what
people’s noses are made of that they can voluntarily surround themselves
with such a pestilential atmosphere. The owner of the awful blankets
also keeps her furs with the same evil-smelling precaution; and we can
trace her entrance into the most crowded winter tea-party in London if
she has as much as passed up the stairs.
Besides Bitter Apple inside the honeysuckle-covered house, there was a
pig outside—not on the premises hired by us, but in the adjoining place,
where there was a school for little boys. When the wind blew from the
direction of that school, the garden was odious, Honeysuckle and all.
The first day we hoped it might be accidental. Then Saturday came, and
we suppose the odd man did a turn at the sty, for there was peace till
the next Tuesday, when the wind blew from the south again. Then Loki’s
Grandmother marched into the room of Loki’s Grandfather ‹there was no
Loki then, so he wasn’t a grandfather, but that is immaterial› and
dictated a letter to the schoolmaster. Loki’s Future Grandfather
protested. It is the kind of thing he hates doing. She drove him into
the garden to smell. He tried to say he couldn’t smell it. Then she
changed her tactics and hinted at insalubrity—a case of diphtheria in
the village, and the danger to Loki’s Future Mother. That had him. He
went in and sat down like a lamb. She dictated, as has been said. If
anyone wants to know the kind of letter in which to remonstrate upon a
neighbouring schoolmaster’s pigsty, he cannot do better than copy this
model:
[Illustration: pigsty]
“_Dear Sir,—I must apologize for troubling you but I feel sure
that you are unaware of the offensive condition of the pigsty
which adjoins our garden—_”
“Offensive?” said Loki’s Grandpa doubtfully.
“Offensive,” said she firmly. “Offensive, you can’t put anything milder.
It’s disgusting, pestilential, a public nuisance.” “_There is so much
sickness in the district_—” she dictated on.
“Oh, I don’t think I need put that.” Loki’s Grandfather was getting
bored.
“You must,” said she; “that will fetch him more than anything. Isn’t he
a schoolmaster? If it gets about that he’s got an insanitary pig—”
Well, the letter was finished with this artful twist. It had the most
brilliant and unexpected results. Not only was the schoolmaster
profoundly grateful for having his attention drawn to the matter—and the
pigsty really was better ever after—but he expressed his gratitude in
the most effusive terms. And he and his whole family called, and we went
to tea in a thunderstorm at the school-house, which apparently had been
built the day before yesterday, for the plaster was so wet the whole
place steamed, and Loki’s Grandmother caught the cold of her life.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: RUMOURS OF THE PIG-FARM]
It is a very singular thing that in Ireland, the Padrona’s native land,
supposed, and with reason, to be very inferior in the matter of
cleanliness, the pig should be so much better cared for. Never have we
found the sweet airs of that beloved country impregnated with “_bouquet
de pigsty_” as they are in every farm here. Of course most of the pigs
in Ireland—nice, clean, intelligent, active creatures—roam cheerfully
about the roads all day, and share the family domicile by night. But
even on properties which own a separate habitation for the “gintleman
that pays the rint” it is swept and garnished for him in a manner seldom
seen over here.
In the particular region of Dorsetshire where Loki’s Great Aunt dwells
there is quite a pretty house and grounds nearly always tenantless by
reason of the pig-farm at the back. The farmer who kept the farm was
amazed and indignant when one of the passenger tenants remonstrated with
him and threatened him with the Sanitary Inspector. What if his pigs
were noticeable? “Pigs ain’t pizen,” he said. I dare say, to him, by
reason of associations with his bank account, they were sweeter than
violets.
Personally we should never keep pigs for choice, no matter how
interested we might be in farming. However we might insist on the
spotless condition of their dwelling-place, however affectionately we
might invite them to the frequent bath and rejoice at the clean pink of
their skins, the horror of the moment of inevitable parting would always
be before us.
A near relation of ours was the centre of a certain horrid little
anecdote, likewise connected with pigs, that is nevertheless humorous
enough. It happened in Dorset, in a picturesque manor-house, the walled
gardens of which abut on a comely, prosperous farm. One April morning
the air was rent with the agonizing clamours of protesting pigs; and
she, whose tender heart suffered with the pain of every animal, was rent
too with compassion.
“Oh, what,” she cried to her hostess, who was also her daughter, “what
can Mr. Boyt be doing to the poor, poor pigs? Oh! Polly, I’m afraid he’s
killing them!”
Polly was not at all sure in her own mind that this was not the case,
but she was stout in asseverations to the contrary.
“Oh, dear no, darling; nobody ever kills pigs this time of year. They’re
just cleaning out the sties, that’s all. You know what pigs are,
darling.”
In spite of a fresh and most dismal explosion, her mendacity rose equal
to the occasion; and her final statement, that she knew for a fact that
pigs weren’t half fattened yet, produced the intended effect, and the
dear visitor was convinced.
[Illustration: woman standing at entrance in wall]
[Sidenote: TIRING WORK]
Later in the day when all was stilled once more, and the lovely April
afternoon as full of country peace as it should be, the two went out and
down the lane; the guest in a donkey-chair and her daughter by her side.
To the latter’s discomfiture on their return they met the portly form of
Mrs. Boyt, emerging from the walled garden with an empty egg-basket.
Mrs. Polly was very anxious to skirmish the donkey-chair past with an
ingratiating and nervous giggle; but neither the donkey nor the lady in
the chair would fall in with her strategy. The lady in the chair had a
liking for Mrs. Boyt, and was amused at the thought of a little chat
with her; and the donkey, like all self-respecting donkeys, was bound in
honour to stop dead when it was most wanted to advance. Perhaps, too,
Mrs. Polly’s artfulness had aroused lingering suspicions, for the lady
in the chair was very firm:
“Good evening, Mrs. Boyt. ‹No, Polly, it’s not cold at all. No, I’m not
going in yet.› How is Mr. Boyt?”
“Mr. Boyt he be fairly, thanking you kindly, ’m. Of course he be a bit
tired this evening.”
Mrs. Polly, with a wild eye, intervened.
“I’m afraid it’s tea-time, darling. H’m—H’m—A beautiful evening—Mrs.
Boyt, my Mother was admiring the little calves—Come on, Bathsheba!”
In vain she clucked, in vain she pulled the reins; Bathsheba merely
twitched an ear. The clear voice from the bath-chair put all efforts to
turn the conversation on one side with a decision which swept her into
silence.
“Tired? Did you say your husband was tired, Mrs. Boyt?”
“Yes’m. Pigs be very tiring.”
“Pigs, Mrs. Boyt?—Oh! what was he doing with the poor pigs this morning?
He wasn’t—he wasn’t killing them?”
“Oh, ’ess ’m.” And, blind to the horror and disgust on her listener’s
face, Mrs. Boyt proceeded with unction:
“Beautiful pigs they was, six of them.”
“Oh, but he didn’t do it himself?”
“Oh, ’ess ’m.” Mrs. Boyt was much shocked. “We allus do it ourselves, I
do hold en, and Boyt he do stick en—very tiring it do be for us both!”
It was only Mrs. Polly who saw the humour of the situation in after
days. The beloved lady in the bath-chair remained overwhelmed with the
tragedy. It was not a subject that could be referred to again in her
presence.
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