[Illustration]
A SHARP. A musical term which cannot be explained here, because the
Musical Union might get sore.
A FLAT. A people coop. Seven rooms and a landlord, with hot and cold gas
and running servants. A _flat_ is the poor relation of an apartment.
ABROAD. A place where people go to be cured of visiting foreign lands.
ABSCOND. To duck with the dough. From The Latin word _absconditto_,
meaning to grab the long-green and hike for the Bad Lands.
ABSINTHE. The national headache of the French. A jag-builder which is
mostly wormwood and bad dreams. A liquid substance which when applied to
a "holdover" revivifies it and enables its owner to sit up and notice
the bar-tender.
ABSTAIN. The stepladder which leads up to the water wagon.
ABSTEMIOUS. Having an aisle seat on the water wagon.
ACROBAT. A fellow of infinite chest.
ACCUMULATE. To collect or bring together. For example: "He borrowed two
dollars from his wife, whereupon he went out and _accumulated_ a
bunch of boozerine." (Carlyle's Heroes and Hero Worship.)
[Illustration]
A THING OF BEAUTY. A joy forever until we get used to it.
ALCOHOL. The forefather of a hold-over. Boozerine, in the raw state.
From the Latin words _alco_ and _haul_, meaning "he is soused
to the booby hatches, _haul_ him to the _alcove_." (See Lord
Macaulay's Jags of Ancient Rome.)
AMBITION. The only disease which laziness can cure.
AMUSEMENT. The hard work a man does on the golf links to give himself an
appetite for sausage links.
ANGEL. Something behind a show--and always something behind.
APE. To imitate. For instance: The man who imitates his betters is the
easiest man to make a monkey of.
APPLAUSE. The fuss which we think the world ought to make over us for
doing our duty.
AUTOMOBILE. A horseless idea which makes people go fast and the money go
faster. A tide in the affairs of man which, taken between the shoulder
blades and the curbstone, leads on to the hospital.
AXE-GRINDING. The art practiced by those who give you a cookie so they
can touch you for a barrel of flour. The axe-grinding industry had its
origin in the Garden of Eden. The Serpent was extremely partial to
Autumn, so he gave Eve a nice red apple, and in exchange she gave the
Serpent an early Fall. (See Lord Macaulay, page 34.)
[Illustration]
AIRSHIP. A machine invented for the purpose of flying through the
newspapers.
* * * * *
See M. Santos Dumont. In case he isn't in when you call a part of his
autobiography is printed herewith: "My first yearning," writes M.
Santos--see page 97--"was for an opportunity to rise in the world.
"When but a little boy my dearest wish was to get up to the top of the
ladder and then have someone remove the ladder. If I stayed up I knew I
was successful. If I came down I didn't know anything for a week or
two."
The reader will notice a peculiarity about this gentleman's name. It
starts off with "M" and then there is eight bars rest until it comes to
Santos. This is a French custom. Every man in France begins his first
name with "M" and then refuses to tell the rest of it. It seems such a
stingy habit.
Let us quote more from M. Dumont's own story:
"My first desire to get off the earth happened while I was extremely
young.
"One day while out in the Brazilian diamond fields picking the luscious
white stones from the trees it suddenly occurred to me what a frivolous
life I was leading.
"Diamonds, diamonds everywhere and not a place to pawn.
"I became restless.
"My father owned the diamond plantation so I went to him and explained
what a tired feeling I had, and how I longed to rise in the world.
"Father at once turned about fifteen volts into his right shoe and I
rose for a distance of four feet.
"I returned almost immediately, but this short flying trip made a deep
impression upon my mind, and otherwise.
"Ten years later I left home just to convince my father that I could
rise in the world without his kindly collaboration.
"One day while in New York I went up to the fifty-ninth floor of a
sky-remover building.
"The elevator was extremely nervous that day.
"While coming down I was pained and surprised to observe that my stomach
did not travel with me.
"I spoke to the _charge d'affaires_ of the elevator about it.
"I complained bitterly to him about such an inhuman invention which
rushed through space with a man's exterior and left his interior to bump
its way downstairs.
"The _charge d'affaires_ of the elevator told me if I did not like
it to get out and fly.
"That was the inspiration which drove me to build the flying machine.
"Two weeks later I went to Paris, because that is the flyest city in the
world."
[Illustration: "B--A Skin Game."]
Beauty is only a skin game after all.
Bad beginners make bad finishers.
Birds of a feather flock together on the theatre hats.
Be sure you're ahead--then go right.
* * * * *
###
B: The second letter of the alphabet. It is called a vocal labial
consonant, which, no doubt, serves it right.
###
* * * * *
BAA. To make a noise like a sheep.
BOW-WOW. To make a noise like a dog.
BIFF. To make a noise like a boxing glove.
[Illustration]
BAGGAGE. Two shirts, some underwear, one suit of clothes, six collars
and a hair brush which you lost somewhere between here and Chicago.
BAD ACTOR. A man who is egged on by ambition and egged off by the
audience.
BADINAGE. Light or playful discourse. For example. "Why does a chicken
cross the street? Because the butcher."
[Illustration]
BAR. A place where men go to get a thirst so that they can go there
again to quench their thirst.
BEETHOVEN'S SONATA. An excuse some women use for beating the face off a
piano.
BIGAMIST. A man that adds one and has two to carry.
BLONDE. An abbreviation of peroxide of hydrogen.
BREEZE. A condition in the atmosphere which generally arises on a cold
day, to make it colder and stays away on a hot day to make it warmer.
It is supposed to inhabit the windows, but when you look for it on a
Summer night all you can see is the "gent" next door chaperoning the
growler.
BUNDLE. A load of preserves. From the Norwegian _bun_, meaning high
tide. "Yesterday he annexed a _bundle_ and this morning he sits on
the front steps singing soft lullabies to a hold-over." (Shakespeare,
page 18.)
[Illustration: "C--Coogan thinking about home."]
Charity begins at home and ruins its health by staying there too much.
Children who are wayward grow up to be the people who fall by the
wayside.
Coogan says there is no place like home--and he congratulates the other
places.
Consistency is a jewel, but it isn't fashionable to wear it.
* * * * *
###
C: The third letter of the alphabet. It is also used in music,
especially by _prima donnas_ who try to reach it and fall flat.
###
* * * * *
CAB. A machine invented for the purpose of going somewhere, but which
seldom gets there. An inland tugboat.
[Illustration]
CAD. A shine with an extra polish on.
CALAMITY. A loud-mouthed individual who insists upon telling stale
jokes.
CASH. The stuff we work for, work other people for and are worked for.
Synonyms: Bones, Cash, Coin, Dough, Ducats, Long-green, Mazuma, and
1,000 others.
CHARITY. Something which begins at home and stays at home every day
except Sunday, when it goes to church to talk about itself.
CINCH. When a man starts out with a bundle of money and a bundle of
booze it's a cinch that he drops the money first.
COLD FEET. A punishment for those that stand around and wait for dead
men's shoes.
COMPLIMENTS. Things which some people fish for hard enough to catch a
sea-serpent.
CONFIDENCE MAN. The noblest work of fraud.
CONCLUSION. Something a woman jumps at in the same manner in which she
jumps off a street car--which is backwards.
CONSCIENCE. The alarm clock on a man's mind which is seldom wound up.
CONSISTENCY. A jewel which isn't appreciated as a Christmas present.
CONTENTMENT. A large, open-faced gentleman telling his friends how he
self-made himself.
COPPER-FASTENED CINCH. A good-looking widow who has made up her mind to
marry again.
COURTSHIP. Love's excursion boat just before it strikes the rough sea of
matrimony.
CROOK. A man who says nobody is straight.
[Illustration]
COOK. Something which makes up her mind to stay in the kitchen and then
loses her mind. A product of modern society who has for her motto
"Dimuendo contralto dumdum," which means, "She who cooks and runs away
will live to cook another day."
CROW. A bird politicians would eat after election if they were not so
busy drinking.
[Illustration]
CZAR. An illustration of the old proverb, "Uneasy lies the King when
falls the Ace."
* * * * *
The following letter written by the Czar to Tolstoi probably illustrates
better than any other document the pleasant and health-giving conditions
under which the Czar lives and reigns:--
In The Cellar, To-day.
Dear Tolsey:--My hands tremble a little in the armor-plated gloves, so
you must excuse bad spelling.
They have just handed me a small bunch of asbestos writing paper, and
the fountain pen has been sterilized to remove the poison, so I will
write you.
Great Scottovitch! you can never enjoy the feeling of anxiety which
gallops over me when I wake in the morning and wonder will the
hard-boiled eggs explode before I eat my breakfast.
At six o'clock this morning I was awakened by a scratching noise on the
iron quilt which covers my repose. A cold perspiration broke out on my
forehead. I buried my head in the hardwood pillows and waited the end.
Just then M. Stepupski, the Minister of the Department of Bum Shells,
walked in through the secret tunnel in the wall.
I threw the aluminum blanket off my face and cried: "What is it? What is
it?"
"Pardonoviski, Your Majesty," said M. Stepupski, "it is the cat! Whether
it is a trained cat carrying a deadly bombshell in the forward turret, I
don't know, but we will investigationiski at once."
My minister coaxed the cat away and five minutes later a loud explosion
confirmed M. Stepupski's theory that the cat's bosom contained something
more than nine lives.
It also confirmed M. Stepupski, because he has been strangely absent
ever since together with a stained-glass window and a lot of new
furniture.
Take my advice, Tolstoi, and don't be a royalty.
I say this as one friend to another and not because I have to wear
copper-fastened pajamas.
I don't mind the copper-fastened pajamas so much, but to wear asphalt
neckties and barb-wire suspenders is something which aggravates the
spirit.
At 8 A.M. this morning M. Cornmealski, the Minister of the Department of
Armored Breakfasts, reported that he had discovered something suspicious
in the dish of peeled prunes.
We examined the prunes carefully and found them stuffed with free
tickets to ride on the Brooklyn Elevated Railroad. We burned the tickets
hastily and saved our lives again.
M. Cornmealski reports that up to date 219 different breakfast foods
have been received at the palace kitchen. He says they range all the way
from consolidated shavings to perforated sawdust, with here and there
some compressed knot-holes.
In a mad moment yesterday I took the Yale lock off my appetite and
ordered up one of those breakfast food samples, but just as I had the
spoonful at my lips I remembered the prayer of my youth: "Woodman, spare
that tree!" and once more my life was saved.
Ten minutes ago M. Blackandblueski, the Minister of the Department of
Witch Hazel, rushed into my bulkhead compartment.
"Oxcooski, Your Majesty," said the Minister, "but this morning the
cookski was burning a few links of sausage for breakfast. Well, Your
Majesty, about two minutes afterwards the cookski and the stove and one
side of the palace left in a hurry and went away in a northwesterly
direction. We don't expect them back, because the sausage was stuffed
with rapid transit material, Your Majesty!"
Thus it goes all day. Don't you think it is pretty hard lines when I
have to make them wash the water on both sides before putting it in the
teapot?
Now I must stop because I hear the humming of the harpoons on the
outside. My officers are talking about me again. Farewellski!
* * * * *
CUSTOMS INSPECTOR. An individual who gets a salary for believing that
everybody on the steamboat is a smuggler.
* * * * *
In order to study briefly the Custom House system as applied to
returning travellers let us witness the arrival from abroad of the
Secretary of the Treasury.
Some years before the Secretary went into politics deep enough to stay
there and make expenses he took a slight trip to Europe.
Two weeks later he was on his way home to his beloved land on the good
ship "Kaiser Wilhelm, the Grocer."
The Stars and Stripes seemed to wave a welcome to him as he approached
the hospitable shores of Fire Island.
"It is good, so good to breathe once more the air of Liberty!" said the
Secretary, and ten minutes later the "Kaiser Wilhelm, the Grocer" was at
her dock.
"Ah! how happy I am to be once more where Freedom reigns!" said the
Secretary as he walked proudly down the gangway plank.
"Wait!"
The speaker was a short-set man with a thick face and a wide voice.
The Secretary paled his cheeks.
"Who are you?"
"I am an American citizen; leave me pass!" exclaimed the Secretary.
"So am I," said the man with a thick face; "and nothing passes me. You
have been to Europe, have you not?"
"Do you think I used the 'Kaiser Wilhelm the Grocer' to come from Staten
Island?" asked the Secretary.
The man laughed, loosely.
"Swear!" he said.
"At you?" inquired the Secretary.
"Swear you are not a smuggler," said the roan.
"I ought to kick you for such an insult," said the Secretary.
"Business before pleasure," said the man; "swear that you are not a
robber."
"I swear," said the Secretary; "inwardly, outwardly, earnestly and
pictorially, I swear!"
"By the memory of George Washington you swear that you are not a
smugglesome man?"
"I do," said the Secretary.
"Hold up both hands and swear!"
The Secretary did so.
"With both hands behind your back and your eyes fixed on the Declaration
of Independence sign this sworn statement," said the man.
The Secretary did so.
"Now that you have sworn I will go through your trunks to see if you are
a liar!" said the man.
"Surely, you should receive one of my best kicks," said the Secretary.
"Formality first, fun later," said the man, upsetting the largest trunk.
"Aha! what is this?"
"It is a pair of open-work socks," said the Secretary.
"Opened in Europe--yes? Bad business! bad business! I begin to suspect
you. What is this?"
"That is a pipe which I bought in Baden-Baden," said the Secretary. "I
am taking it to my cousin in Springfield, Mass., for a souvenir."
"I will help your cousin to stop smoking," said the man, putting the
pipe in his pocket. "Aha! what is this?"
The Secretary blushed his face.
"What is this?"
"That is my pair of pajamas!" said the Secretary.
"Pajamas?"
"Put them back, please?" said the Secretary. "A man's pajamas are not
for the vulgar gaze of the world!"
"Pajamas!" said the man.
"My pajamas!" said the Secretary.
"They look like a Chinaman's Sunday trousers--yes?"
The Secretary looked into the pitiless faces of the multitude which was
gazing into his trunk, but they handed him nothing save small bunches of
laughter.
"Come!" said the man, "where is the Chink that goes with this wearing
apparel? Did you hear over the wireless system about the labor strikes
and try to smuggle in some cheap labor?"
"I assure you that I wear those pajamas myself!" said the Secretary,
interrupting a sob in his throat.
"You wear these pajamas? When? Why? Where?"
"In the secrecy of my boudoir," said the Secretary.
"Aha!" said the man, "so you have some boudoir, too! Bad business! bad
business! I have never heard of a Boudoir Trust, therefore, we do not
make such a thing in this country. My suspicions are getting louder.
What is in this bottle?"
"That is my cough medicine," said the Secretary, giving a sample of the
cough.
"It may be wine or cream de mint because your voice sounds nervous."
"I am nervous because the world is still giggling at my pajamas," said
the Secretary.
"Back to the pajamas! Bad business! bad business! I will have to dig a
tunnel through your neckties to see if you have a _cafe au lait_ or
a _cafe chanteuse_ in the trunk. When a man gets nervous it is
always wise to watch him. Open your mouth!"
The Secretary did so.
"What have you been drinking?"
"A vermouth cocktail," said the Secretary.
"Domestic or imported?"
"Neither; the Captain treated," said the Secretary.
"It looks to me much like foreign spirits," said the man.
"Do you wish to open me further and see?" inquired the Secretary.
Then the man waded into the Secretary's other trunks, two-stepped over
his negligee shirts, waltzed through his waist-coats and did a polka
amidst the ruins of his dress suit.
"What is the verdict?" said the Secretary after the battle was over.
"Not guilty, but you might be," said the man, smiling briefly.
As the Secretary walked out the Stars and Stripes seemed to bow politely
at him and whisper with a voice slightly sarcastic: "You for the seat
away back!"
"Some day," said the Secretary, "I will jump into politics so far that
my trunk will always be a dark secret to the Custom Housers!"
And he did it.
From the life of the Secretary we learn the lesson that there is much
Liberty in this country, but, incidentally, there are a couple of bald
spots where it is missing.
If you don't believe me come home from Europe some day by way of the
Custom House.
[Illustration: "D--Sometimes an old fool gets away with a good thing."]
Do you know that a wise man can sometimes be a fool and get away with it?
Don't go among doers if you don't want to be did.
Duty calls and finds most men holding nothing but a four-flush.
Don't try to be a stinger if you don't want to get stung.
* * * * *
###
D: The letter of the alphabet which always runs fourth.
###
* * * * *
DAISY. A twin sister to a peach. See _Dream_.
DAM. A species of floodgates. By adding the letter "n" the floodgates
are loosened.
DAMSEL. See Daisy.
DARLING. See your best girl.
DAFFY. See a doctor.
[Illustration]
DAWN. The cold, gray period immediately following a red-hot night.
DELUDE. To take your wife by the hand and lead her away from the truth.
[Illustration]
DELUSION. Something which every man likes to hug--especially if she's
pretty.
DESTINY. Something which laughs at those who never say die.
DESCRIBE. To give an account of. For instance, one woman giving a
description of another woman's wearing apparel--oh, fudge!
DOGS OF WAR. Animals that live on bones of contention.
DRUNKARDS. The monuments which whiskey erects all along the road to
ruin.
DUST. The material from which man is made and that is the reason why
woman sweeps all before her.
[Illustration: "E--And when she marries her fourth husband its a great
deal."]
Everybody knows that money talks, but nobody notices what kind of
grammar it uses.
Evil be to him who evil drinketh.
Every woman loves an ideal man until she marries him--then it's a new
deal.
Every time you stop and stare at Success it gets up and leaves the room.
* * * * *
###
E: The fifth letter of the alphabet which is usually silent at the end
of a word--quite unlike some women _you_ know of, eh!
###
* * * * *
EAR. A place which hears a great many things which should never have
been said.
[Illustration]
EARTH. An orange-shaped ball hanging in space and inhabited by two
classes of people, to wit: kickers and more kickers.
EDEN. The garden where Adam and Eve baked the first apple pie and pied
the human race.
ECSTASY. A state in which the mind is carried away. For instance, if you
are in a runaway automobile, you are in _ecstasy_ until you hit a
telegraph pole; after that you're in a hospital.
EGOTIST. A man who uses his brain for the purpose of believing that he
is the greatest ever.
ELBOW. Something you give a man you don't like.
EASTER. A season of the year devoted to new bonnets, overcoatless young
men and pneumonia. A tide in the affairs of women which, taken at the
pocketbook, leads on to the milliners.
ELOPE. A hurried trip taken by two lovers for the purpose of wiring Papa
for funds to get home.
[Illustration]
ELOCUTION. A disease which breaks out among students, but which is fatal
only to the spectators.
EMPLOYER. A man who has a soft spot for a hard worker.
ENVY. The root of much criticism.
ECONOMY. A system practiced by some men which permits their wives to
wear last year's dresses so that they can buy better cigars.
EXPERIENCE. The best of all teachers, because it's impossible for the
scholar to run away from school.
[Illustration: "F--There's only one thing to do however."]
Fine feathers make fine birds take to the woods.
Failures made by other people pave the road to your Success.
Fortune wears rubber shoes and a feather pillow on each hand when she
knocks on your door.
Fair play is a jewel, but so many people can't afford jewelry.
* * * * *
###
F: The sixth letter of the alphabet. It is formed by the passage of the
breath between the lower lip and the upper incisive teeth, but that
doesn't seem to worry it any.
###
* * * * *
FABLE. The story a man thinks his wife believes--and she lets him think
it.
FAD. See hobby.
[Illustration]
FADE. To gradually disappear. For example: "I had ten plunks when I went
out last night, but they faded away." (Lord Palmerston, page 21.)
FAKE. Something we buy to make sure it isn't on the level.
FAITH. Something which is said to move mountains, but the railroad
contractors always mix in a little dynamite to help matters along.
FAULT. Something which is so easy to find, but it is so hard to give it
when we find it.
FAMILY. The only cure for race suicide.
FAVOR. Something we do for a friend so he can forget about it.
FLATTERER. A man who makes friends until he begins to talk about
himself.
FORGER. A man who tries to make a name for himself, but who picks out
the wrong name.
FRIEND. A man who knows you are a liar, but hopes otherwise.
FRIENDSHIP. The name of the handle some people put on other people for
the purpose of using them.
[Illustration]
FOOTBALL. A system of manslaughter very fashionable with boys. From the
Latin words "footibus," meaning "_put the boots to him_," and
"balloona," meaning "up in the air, or, who hit me with a public
building?" A body of college students surrounded by ambulances. For
instance:
Sing a song of football
Pockets full of salve;
Four and twenty legs all
Punctured at the calve.
Captain in the hospital
Fullback in the soup,
Twenty-seven faces
Broken in the group.
Sophomores and Freshmen
Punched around the ring;
When the war was over
The boys began to sing!
Raw! Raw! Raw!
Raw! Raw! Raw!
Stew them!
Fry them!
Raw! Raw! Raw!
Oysters!
[Illustration: "G--The friends that Gold buys shake hands with two
fingers."]
Great oaths from little aching corns do grow.
Great minds run in the same channel--especially if they are sea
captains.
Gold is a dull metal, but it can cut friendship quicker than a knife.
Good names are better than great riches and that is why so many of us
have names without price.
* * * * *
###
G: The seventh letter of the alphabet. Used by the ancients as an
expression of surprise, thus: Hully Gee!
###
* * * * *
GAB. The product of a ball-bearing chin.
GAG. A joke rendered insensible by a third-rail comedian.
GAS. A substance we make light of until the bill comes in. _"You may
hide your light under a bushel, but you'll get a bill from the gas
company just the same_." (Shakespeare, page 9.)
GAS BILL. Something that comes in to put us out.
GAS METER. A bit of machinery invented by Ananias in order to please
Saphira and keep the household supplied with lies while the old man was
down in the grocery store.
GET-RICH-QUICK. An aquarium for suckers. A place where poor people go to
get poorer.
GEE-GEE. A horse by any other name will run as fast.
GENIAL. A guy that never was known to buy.
GENIUS. Something we have in _our_ family--if you don't believe me,
come and hear our little boy recite.
[Illustration]
GENT. Two-thirds of a gentleman.
GENTLEMAN. A title which many a man claims because the public hasn't
time to prove him otherwise.
GERM. See _microbes_. In order to see microbes you'll have to get a
magnifying glass.
GOSH. A Yankee synonym for dad bust it! See _dag my buttons!_ See
any Reub.
GOSSIP. Something which a woman hears with one ear and tells with both.
A woman who can put two and two together and make five.
GOOD TIME. About $9 worth of headache next morning and eighteen cents in
small change left in the pocket.
GOURMAND. A man who delights to make his stomach feel like a department
store.
GRAND OPERA. A disease which breaks out in society every winter and can
be cured only by inward applications of a seat in a box and outward
applications of diamonds on the chest.
* * * * *
Bjingle Bjangle, the celebrated Norwegian _raconteur_, thus
describes in his book of travels a visit to the grand opera in New York,
as follows:--