beat a father?
Phid. I will demonstrate it, and will overcome you in
argument.
Strep. Will you overcome me in this?
Phid. Yea, by much and easily. But choose which of the
two Causes you wish to speak.
Strep. Of what two Causes?
Phid. The better, or the worse?
Strep. Marry, I did get you taught to speak against
justice, by Jupiter, my friend, if you are going to
persuade me of this, that it is just and honourable for
a father to be beaten by his sons!
Phid. I think I shall certainly persuade you; so that,
when you have heard, not even you yourself will say
anything against it.
Strep. Well, now, I am willing to hear what you have to
say.
Cho. It is your business, old man, to consider in what
way you shall conquer the man; for if he were not
relying upon something, he would not be so licentious.
But he is emboldened by something; the boldness of the
man is evident. Now you ought to tell to the Chorus from
what the contention first arose. And this you must do by
all means.
Strep. Well, now, I will tell you from what we first
began to rail at one another. After we had feasted, as
you know, I first bade him take a lyre, and sing a song
of Simonides, "The Shearing of the Ram." But he
immediately said it was old-fashioned to play on the
lyre and sing while drinking, like a woman grinding
parched barley.
Phid. For ought you not then immediately to be beaten
and trampled on, bidding me sing, just as if you were
entertaining cicadae?
Strep. He expressed, however, such opinions then too
within, as he does now; and he asserted that Simonides
was a bad poet. I bore it at first, with difficulty
indeed, yet nevertheless I bore it. And then I bade him
at least take a myrtle-wreath and recite to me some
portion of Aeschylus; and then he immediately said,
"Shall I consider Aeschylus the first among the poets,
full of empty sound, unpolished, bombastic, using rugged
words?" And hereupon you can't think how my heart
panted. But, nevertheless, I restrained my passion, and
said, "At least recite some passage of the more modern
poets, of whatever kind these clever things be." And he
immediately sang a passage of Euripides, how a brother,
O averter of ill! Debauched his uterine sister. And I
bore it no longer, but immediately assailed him with
many abusive reproaches. And then, after that, as was
natural, we hurled word upon word. Then he springs upon
me; and then he was wounding me, and beating me, and
throttling me.
Phid. Were you not therefore justly beaten, who do not
praise Euripides, the wisest of poets?
Strep. He the wisest! Oh, what shall I call you? But I
shall be beaten again.
Phid. Yes, by Jupiter, with justice?
Strep. Why, how with justice? Who, O shameless fellow,
reared you, understanding all your wishes, when you
lisped what you meant? If you said bryn, I,
understanding it, used to give you to drink. And when
you asked for mamman, I used to come to you with bread.
And you used no sooner to say caccan, than I used to
take and carry you out of doors, and hold you before me.
But you now, throttling me who was bawling and crying
out because I wanted to ease myself, had not the heart
to carry me forth out of doors, you wretch; but I did it
there while I was being throttled.
Cho. I fancy the hearts of the youths are panting to
hear what he will say. For if, after having done such
things, he shall persuade him by speaking, I would not
take the hide of the old folks, even at the price of a
chick-pea. It is thy business, thou author and upheaver
of new words, to seek some means of persuasion, so that
you shall seem to speak justly.
Phid. How pleasant it is to be acquainted with new and
clever things, and to be able to despise the established
laws! For I, when I applied my mind to horsemanship
alone, used not to be able to utter three words before I
made a mistake; but now, since he himself has made me
cease from these pursuits, and I am acquainted with
subtle thoughts, and arguments, and speculations, I
think I shall demonstrate that it is just to chastise
one's father.
Strep. Ride, then, by Jupiter! Since it is better for me
to keep a team of four horses than to be killed with a
beating.
Phid. I will pass over to that part of my discourse
where you interrupted me; and first I will ask you this:
Did you beat me when I was a boy?
Strep. I did, through good-will and concern for you.
Phid. Pray tell me, is it not just that I also should be
well inclined toward you in the same way, and beat you,
since this is to be well inclined-to give a beating? For
why ought your body to be exempt from blows and mine
not? And yet I too was born free. The boys weep, and do
you not think it is right that a father should weep? You
will say that it is ordained by law that this should be
the lot of boys. But I would reply, that old men are
boys twice over, and that it is the more reasonable that
the old should weep than the young, inasmuch as it is
less just that they should err.
Strep. It is nowhere ordained by law that a father
should suffer this.
Phid. Was it not then a man like you and me, who first
proposed this law, and by speaking persuaded the
ancients? Why then is it less lawful for me also in turn
to propose henceforth a new law for the sons, that they
should beat their fathers in turn? But as many blows as
we received before the law was made, we remit: and we
concede to them our having been thrashed without return.
Observe the cocks and these other animals, how they
punish their fathers; and yet, in what do they differ
from us, except that they do not write decrees?
Strep. Why then, since you imitate the cocks in all
things, do you not both eat dung and sleep on a perch?
Phid. It is not the same thing, my friend; nor would it
appear so to Socrates.
Strep. Therefore do not beat me; otherwise you will one
day blame yourself.
Phid. Why, how?
Strep. Since I am justly entitled to chastise you; and
you to chastise your son, if you should have one.
Phid. But if I should not have one, I shall have wept
for nothing, and you will die laughing at me.
Strep. To me, indeed, O comrades, he seems to speak
justly; and I think we ought to concede to them what is
fitting. For it is proper that we should weep, if we do
not act justly.
Phid. Consider still another maxim.
Strep. No; for I shall perish if I do.
Phid. And yet perhaps you will not be vexed at suffering
what you now suffer.
Strep. How, pray? For inform me what good you will do me
by this.
Phid. I will beat my mother, just as I have you.
Strep. What do you say? What do you say? This other,
again, is a greater wickedness.
Phid. But what if, having the worst Cause, I shall
conquer you in arguing, proving that it is right to beat
one's mother?
Strep. Most assuredly, if you do this, nothing will
hinder you from casting yourself and your Worse Cause
into the pit along with Socrates. These evils have I
suffered through you, O Clouds! Having intrusted all my
affairs to you.
Cho. Nay, rather, you are yourself the cause of these
things, having turned yourself to wicked courses.
Strep. Why, pray, did you not tell me this, then, but
excited with hopes a rustic and aged man?
Cho. We always do this to him whom we perceive to be a
lover of wicked courses, until we precipitate him into
misfortune, so that he may learn to fear the gods.
Strep. Ah me! it is severe, O Clouds! But it is just;
for I ought not to have withheld the money which I
borrowed. Now, therefore, come with me, my dearest son,
that you may destroy the blackguard Chaerephon and
Socrates, who deceived you and me.
Phid. I will not injure my teachers.
Strep. Yes, yes, reverence Paternal Jove.
Phid. "Paternal Jove" quoth'a! How antiquated you are!
Why, is there any Jove?
Strep. There is.
Phid. There is not, no; for Vortex reigns having
expelled Jupiter.
Strep. He has not expelled him; but I fancied this, on
account of this Vortex here. Ah me, unhappy man! When I
even took you who are of earthenware for a god.
Phid. Here rave and babble to yourself.
[Exit Phidippides]
Strep. Ah me, what madness! How mad, then, I was when I
ejected the gods on account of Socrates! But O dear
Hermes, by no means be wroth with me, nor destroy me;
but pardon me, since I have gone crazy through prating.
And become my adviser, whether I shall bring an action
and prosecute them, or whatever you think. You advise me
rightly, not permitting me to get up a lawsuit, but as
soon as possible to set fire to the house of the prating
fellows. Come hither, come hither, Xanthias! Come forth
with a ladder and with a mattock and then mount upon the
thinking-shop and dig down the roof, if you love your
master, until you tumble the house upon them.
[Xanthias mounts upon the roof]
But let some one bring me a lighted torch and I'll make
some of them this day suffer punishment, even if they be
ever so much impostors.
1st Dis. (from within) Hollo! Hollo!
Strep. It is your business, O torch, to send forth
abundant flame.
[Mounts upon the roof]
1st Dis. What are you doing, fellow?
Strep. What am I doing? Why, what else, than chopping
logic with the beams of your house?
[Sets the house on fire]
2nd Dis. (from within) You will destroy us! You will
destroy us!
Strep. For I also wish this very thing; unless my
mattock deceive my hopes, or I should somehow fall first
and break my neck.
Soc. (from within). Hollo you! What are you doing, pray,
you fellow on the roof?
Strep. I am walking on air, and speculating about the
sun.
Soc. Ah me, unhappy! I shall be suffocated, wretched
man!
Chaer. And I, miserable man, shall be burnt to death!
Strep. For what has come into your heads that you acted
insolently toward the gods, and pried into the seat of
the moon? Chase, pelt, smite them, for many reasons, but
especially because you know that they offended against
the gods!
[The thinking shop is burned down]
Cho. Lead the way out; for we have sufficiently acted as
chorus for today.
[Exeunt omnes]