Indeed, from his earliest years, when he was a little
fellow only so big, he was wont to form houses and carve
ships within-doors, and make little wagons of leather,
and make frogs out of pomegranate-rinds, you can't think
how cleverly. But see that he learns those two causes;
the better, whatever it may be; and the worse, which, by
maintaining what is unjust, overturns the better. If not
both, at any rate the unjust one by all means.
Soc. He shall learn it himself from the two causes in
person.
[Exit Socrates]
Strep. I will take my departure. Remember this now, that
he is to be able to reply to all just arguments.
[Exit Strepsiades and enter Just Cause and Unjust Cause]
Just Cause. Come hither! Show yourself to the
spectators, although being audacious.
Unjust Cause. Go whither you please; for I shall far
rather do for you, if I speak before a crowd.
Just. You destroy me? Who are you?
Unj. A cause.
Just. Ay, the worse.
Unj. But I conquer you, who say that you are better than
I.
Just. By doing what clever trick?
Unj. By discovering new contrivances.
Just. For these innovations flourish by the favour of
these silly persons.
Unj. No; but wise persons.
Just I will destroy you miserably.
Unj. Tell me, by doing what?
Just By speaking what is just.
Unj. But I will overturn them by contradicting them; for
I deny that justice even exists at all.
Just Do you deny that it exists?
Unj. For come, where is it?
Just With the gods.
Unj. How, then, if justice exists, has Jupiter not
perished, who bound his own father?
Just Bah! This profanity now is spreading! Give me a
basin.
Unj. You are a dotard and absurd.
Just You are debauched and shameless.
Unj. You have spoken roses of me.
Just And a dirty lickspittle.
Unj. You crown me with lilies.
Just And a parricide.
Unj. You don't know that you are sprinkling me with
gold.
Just Certainly not so formerly, but with lead.
Unj. But now this is an ornament to me.
Just You are very impudent.
Unj. And you are antiquated.
Just And through you, no one of our youths is willing to
go to school; and you will be found out some time or
other by the Athenians, what sort of doctrines you teach
the simple-minded.
Unj. You are shamefully squalid.
Just And you are prosperous. And yet formerly you were a
beggar saying that you were the Mysian Telephus, and
gnawing the maxims of Pandeletus out of your little
wallet.
Unj. Oh, the wisdom--
Just Oh, the madness--
Unj. Which you have mentioned.
Just And of your city, which supports you who ruin her
youths.
Unj. You shan't teach this youth, you old dotard.
Just Yes, if he is to be saved, and not merely to
practise loquacity.
Unj. (to Phidippides) Come hither, and leave him to
rave.
Just You shall howl, if you lay your hand on him.
Cho. Cease from contention and railing. But show to us,
you, what you used to teach the men of former times, and
you, the new system of education; in order that, having
heard you disputing, he may decide and go to the school
of one or the other.
Just. I am willing to do so.
Unj. I also am willing.
Cho. Come now, which of the two shall speak first?
Unj. I will give him the precedence; and then, from
these things which he adduces, I will shoot him dead
with new words and thoughts. And at last, if he mutter,
he shall be destroyed, being stung in his whole face and
his two eyes by my maxims, as if by bees.
Cho. Now the two, relying on very dexterous arguments
and thoughts, and sententious maxims, will show which of
them shall appear superior in argument. For now the
whole crisis of wisdom is here laid before them; about
which my friends have a very great contest. But do you,
who adorned our elders with many virtuous manners, utter
the voice in which you rejoice, and declare your nature.
Just. I will, therefore, describe the ancient system of
education, how it was ordered, when I flourished in the
advocacy of justice, and temperance was the fashion. In
the first place it was incumbent that no one should hear
the voice of a boy uttering a syllable; and next, that
those from the same quarter of the town should march in
good order through the streets to the school of the
harp-master, naked, and in a body, even if it were to
snow as thick as meal. Then again, their master would
teach them, not sitting cross-legged, to learn by rote a
song, either "pallada persepolin deinan" or "teleporon
ti boama" raising to a higher pitch the harmony which
our fathers transmitted to us. But if any of them were
to play the buffoon, or to turn any quavers, like these
difficult turns the present artists make after the
manner of Phrynis, he used to be thrashed, being beaten
with many blows, as banishing the Muses. And it behooved
the boys, while sitting in the school of the
Gymnastic-master, to cover the thigh, so that they might
exhibit nothing indecent to those outside; then again,
after rising from the ground, to sweep the sand
together, and to take care not to leave an impression of
the person for their lovers. And no boy used in those
days to anoint himself below the navel; so that their
bodies wore the appearance of blooming health. Nor used
he to go to his lover, having made up his voice in an
effeminate tone, prostituting himself with his eyes. Nor
used it to be allowed when one was dining to take the
head of the radish, or to snatch from their seniors dill
or parsley, or to eat fish, or to giggle, or to keep the
legs crossed.
Unj. Aye, antiquated and dipolia-like and full of
grasshoppers, and of Cecydes, and of the Buphonian
festival!
Just Yet certainly these are those principles by which
my system of education nurtured the men who fought at
Marathon. But you teach the men of the present day, so
that I am choked, when at the Panathenaia a fellow,
holding his shield before his person, neglects
Tritogenia, when they ought to dance. Wherefore, O
youth, choose with confidence, me, the better cause, and
you will learn to hate the Agora, and to refrain from
baths, and to be ashamed of what is disgraceful, and to
be enraged if any one jeer you, and to rise up from
seats before your seniors when they approach, and not to
behave ill toward your parents, and to do nothing else
that is base, because you are to form in your mind an
image of Modesty: and not to dart into the house of a
dancing-woman, lest, while gaping after these things,
being struck with an apple by a wanton, you should be
damaged in your reputation: and not to contradict your
father in anything; nor by calling him Iapetus, to
reproach him with the ills of age, by which you were
reared in your infancy.
Unj. If you shall believe him in this, O youth, by
Bacchus, you will be like the sons of Hippocrates, and
they will call you a booby.
Just. Yet certainly shall you spend your time in the
gymnastic schools, sleek and blooming; not chattering in
the market-place rude jests, like the youths of the
present day; nor dragged into court for a petty suit,
greedy, pettifogging, knavish; but you shall descend to
the Academy and run races beneath the sacred olives
along with some modest compeer, crowned with white
reeds, redolent of yew, and careless ease, of
leaf-shedding white poplar, rejoicing in the season of
spring, when the plane-tree whispers to the elm. If you
do these things which I say, and apply your mind to
these, you will ever have a stout chest, a clear
complexion, broad shoulders, a little tongue, large
hips, little lewdness. But if you practise what the
youths of the present day do, you will have in the first
place, a pallid complexion, small shoulders, a narrow
chest, a large tongue, little hips, great lewdness, a
long psephism; and this deceiver will persuade you to
consider everything that is base to be honourable, and
what is honourable to be base; and in addition to this,
he will fill you with the lewdness of Antimachus.
Cho. O thou that practisest most renowned high-towering
wisdom! How sweetly does a modest grace attend your
words! Happy, therefore, were they who lived in those
days, in the times of former men! In reply, then, to
these, O thou that hast a dainty-seeming Muse, it
behooveth thee to say something new; since the man has
gained renown. And it appears you have need of powerful
arguments against him, if you are to conquer the man and
not incur laughter.
Unj. And yet I was choking in my heart, and was longing
to confound all these with contrary maxims. For I have
been called among the deep thinkers the "worse cause" on
this very account, that I first contrived how to speak
against both law and justice; and this art is worth more
than ten thousand staters, that one should choose the
worse cause, and nevertheless be victorious. But mark
how I will confute the system of education on which he
relies, who says, in the first place, that he will not
permit you to be washed with warm water. And yet, on
what principle do you blame the warm baths?
Just. Because it is most vile, and makes a man cowardly.
Unj. Stop! For immediately I seize and hold you by the
waist without escape. Come, tell me, which of the sons
of Jupiter do you deem to have been the bravest in soul,
and to have undergone most labours?
Just. I consider no man superior to Hercules.
Unj. Where, pray, did you ever see cold Herculean baths?
And yet, who was more valiant than he?
Just. These are the very things which make the bath full
of youths always chattering all day long, but the
palaestras empty.
Unj. You next find fault with their living in the
market-place; but I commend it. For if it had been bad,
Homer would never have been for representing Nestor as
an orator; nor all the other wise men. I will return,
then, from thence to the tongue, which this fellow says
our youths ought not to exercise, while I maintain they
should. And again, he says they ought to be modest: two
very great evils. For tell me to whom you have ever seen
any good accrue through modesty and confute me by your
words.
Just. To many. Peleus, at any rate, received his sword
on account of it.
Unj. A sword? Marry, he got a pretty piece of luck, the
poor wretch! While Hyperbolus, he of the lamps, got more
than many talents by his villainy, but by Jupiter, no
sword!
Just. And Peleus married Thetis, too, through his
modesty.
Unj. And then she went off and left him; for he was not
lustful, nor an agreeable bedfellow to spend the night
with. Now a woman delights in being wantonly treated.
But you are an old dotard. For (to Phidippides)
consider, O youth, all that attaches to modesty, and of
how many pleasures you are about to be deprived--of
women, of games at cottabus, of dainties, of
drinking-bouts, of giggling. And yet, what is life worth
to you if you be deprived of these enjoyments? Well, I
will pass from thence to the necessities of our nature.
You have gone astray, you have fallen in love, you have
been guilty of some adultery, and then have been caught.
You are undone, for you are unable to speak. But if you
associate with me, indulge your inclination, dance,
laugh, and think nothing disgraceful. For if you should
happen to be detected as an adulterer, you will make
this reply to him, "that you have done him no injury":
and then refer him to Jupiter, how even he is overcome
by love and women. And yet, how could you, who are a
mortal, have greater power than a god?
Just. But what if he should suffer the radish through
obeying you, and be depillated with hot ashes? What
argument will he be able to state, to prove that he is
not a blackguard?
Unj. And if he be a blackguard, what harm will he
suffer?
Just. Nay, what could he ever suffer still greater than
this?
Unj. What then will you say if you be conquered by me in
this?
Just. I will be silent: what else can I do?
Unj. Come, now, tell me; from what class do the
advocates come?
Just. From the blackguards.
Unj. I believe you. What then? From what class do
tragedians come?
Just. From the blackguards.
Unj. You say well. But from what class do the public
orators come?
Just. From the blackguards.
Unj. Then have you perceived that you say nothing to the
purpose? And look which class among the audience is the
more numerous.
Just. Well now, I'm looking.
Unj. What, then, do you see?
Just. By the gods, the blackguards to be far more
numerous. This fellow, at any rate, I know; and him
yonder; and this fellow with the long hair.
Unj. What, then, will you say?
Just. We are conquered. Ye blackguards, by the gods,
receive my cloak, for I desert to you.
[Exeunt the Two Causes, and re-enter Socrates and
Strepsiades.]
Soc. What then? whether do you wish to take and lead
away this your son, or shall I teach him to speak?
Strep. Teach him, and chastise him: and remember that
you train him properly; on the one side able for petty
suits; but train his other jaw able for the more
important causes.
Soc. Make yourself easy; you shall receive him back a
clever sophist.
Strep. Nay, rather, pale and wretched.
[Exeunt Socrates, Strepsiades, and Phidippides.]
Cho. Go ye, then: but I think that you will repent of
these proceedings. We wish to speak about the judges,
what they will gain, if at all they justly assist this
Chorus. For in the first place, if you wish to plough up
your fields in spring, we will rain for you first; but
for the others afterward. And then we will protect the
fruits, and the vines, so that neither drought afflict
them, nor excessive wet weather. But if any mortal
dishonour us who are goddesses, let him consider what
evils he will suffer at our hands, obtaining neither
wine nor anything else from his farm. For when his
olives and vines sprout, they shall be cut down; with
such slings will we smite them. And if we see him making
brick, we will rain; and we will smash the tiles of his
roof with round hailstones. And if he himself, or any
one of his kindred or friends, at any time marry, we
will rain the whole night; so he will probably wish
rather to have been even in Egypt than to have judged
badly.
[Enter Strepsiades with a meal-sack on his shoulder.]
Strep. The fifth, the fourth, the third, after this the
second; and then, of all the days I most fear, and
dread, and abominate, immediately after this there is
the Old and New. For every one to whom I happen to be
indebted, swears, and says he will ruin and destroy me,
having made his deposits against me; though I only ask
what is moderate and just-"My good sir, one part don't
take just now; the other part put off I pray; and the
other part remit"; they say that thus they will never
get back their money, but abuse me, as I am unjust, and
say they will go to law with me. Now therefore let them
go to law, for it little concerns me, if Phidippides has
learned to speak well. I shall soon know by knocking at
the thinking-shop.
[Knocks at the door.]
Boy, I say! Boy, boy!
[Enter Socrates]
Soc. Good morning, Strepsiades.
Strep. The same to you. But first accept this present;
for one ought to compliment the teacher with a fee. And
tell me about my son, if he has learned that cause,
which you just now brought forward.
Soc. He has learned it.
Strep. Well done, O Fraud, all-powerful queen!
Soc. So that you can get clear off from whatever suit
you please.
Strep. Even if witnesses were present when I borrowed
the money?
Soc. Yea, much more! Even if a thousand be present.
Strep. Then I will shout with a very loud shout: Ho!
Weep, you petty-usurers, both you and your principals,
and your compound interests! For you can no longer do me
any harm, because such a son is being reared for me in
this house, shining with a double-edged tongue, for my
guardian, the preserver of my house, a mischief to my
enemies, ending the sadness of the great woes of his
father. Him do thou run and summon from within to me.
[Socrates goes into the house.]
O child! O son! Come forth from the house! Hear your
father!
[Re-enter Socrates leading in Phidippides]
Soc. Lo, here is the man!
Strep. O my dear, my dear!
Soc. Take your son and depart.
[Exit Socrates.]
Strep. Oh, oh, my child! Huzza! Huzza! How I am
delighted at the first sight of your complexion! Now,
indeed, you are, in the first place, negative and
disputatious to look at, and this fashion native to the
place plainly appears, the "what do you say?" and the
seeming to be injured when, I well know, you are
injuring and inflicting a wrong; and in your countenance
there is the Attic look. Now, therefore, see that you
save me, since you have also ruined me.
Phid. What, pray, do you fear?
Strep. The Old and New.
Phid. Why, is any day old and new?
Strep. Yes; on which they say that they will make their
deposits against me.
Phid. Then those that have made them will lose them; for
it is not possible that two days can be one day.
Strep. Can not it?
Phid. Certainly not; unless the same woman can be both
old and young at the same time.
Strep. And yet it is the law.
Phid. For they do not, I think, rightly understand what
the law means.
Strep. And what does it mean?
Phid. The ancient Solon was by nature the commons'
friend.
Strep. This surely is nothing whatever to the Old and
New.
Phid. He therefore made the summons for two days, for
the Old and New, that the deposits might be made on the
first of the month.
Strep. Why, pray, did he add the old day?
Phid. In order, my good sir, that the defendants, being
present a day before, might compromise the matter of
their own accord; but if not, that they might be worried
on the morning of the new moon.
Strep. Why, then, do the magistrates not receive the
deposits on the new moon, but on the Old and New?
Phid. They seem to me to do what the forestallers do: in
order that they may appreciate the deposits as soon as
possible, on this account they have the first pick by
one day.
Strep. (turning to the audience) Bravo! Ye wretches, why
do you sit senseless, the gain of us wise men, being
blocks, ciphers, mere sheep, jars heaped together,
wherefore I must sing an encomium upon myself and this
my son, on account of our good fortune. "O happy
Strepsiades! How wise you are yourself, and how
excellent is the son whom you are rearing!" My friends
and fellow-tribesmen will say of me, envying me, when
you prove victorious in arguing causes. But first I wish
to lead you in and entertain you.
[Exeunt Strepsiades and Phidippides.]
Pasias (entering with his summons-witness) Then, ought a
man to throw away any part of his own property? Never!
But it were better then at once to put away blushes,
rather than now to have trouble; since I am now dragging
you to be a witness, for the sake of my own money; and
further, in addition to this, I shall become an enemy to
my fellow-tribesman. But never, while I live, will I
disgrace my country, but will summon Strepsiades.
Strep. (from within) Who's there?
Pas. For the Old and New.
Strep. I call you to witness, that he has named it for
two days. For what matter do you summon me?
Pas. For the twelve minae, which you received when you
were buying the dapple-gray horse.
Strep. A horse? Do you not hear? I, whom you all know to
hate horsemanship!
Pas. And, by Jupiter! You swore by the gods too, that
you would repay it.
Strep. Ay, by Jove! For then my Phidippides did not yet
know the irrefragable argument.
Pas. And do you now intend, on this account, to deny the
debt?
Strep. Why, what good should I get else from his
instruction?
Pas. And will you be willing to deny these upon oath of
the gods?
Strep. What gods?
Pas. Jupiter, Mercury, and Neptune.
Strep. Yes, by Jupiter! And would pay down, too, a
three-obol piece besides to swear.
Pas. Then may you perish some day for your impudence!
Strep. This man would be the better for it if he were
cleansed by rubbing with salt.
Pas. Ah me, how you deride me!
Strep. He will contain six choae.
Pas. By great Jupiter and the gods, you certainly shall
not do this to me with impunity!
Strep. I like your gods amazingly; and Jupiter, sworn
by, is ridiculous to the knowing ones.
Pas. You will assuredly suffer punishment, some time or
other, for this. But answer and dismiss me, whether you
are going to repay me my money or not.
Strep. Keep quiet now, for I will presently answer you
distinctly.
[Runs into the house.]
Pas. (to his summons-witness). What do you think he will
do?
Witness. I think he will pay you.
[Re-enter Strepsiades with a kneading-trough]
Strep. Where is this man who asks me for his money? Tell
me what is this?
Pas. What is this? A kardopos.
Strep. And do you then ask me for your money, being such
an ignorant person? I would not pay, not even an obolus,
to any one who called the kardope kardopos.
Pas. Then won't you pay me?
Strep. Not, as far as I know. Will you not then pack off
as fast as possible from my door?
Pas. I will depart; and be assured of this, that I will
make deposit against you, or may I live no longer!
Strep. Then you will lose it besides, in addition to
your twelve minae. And yet I do not wish you to suffer
this, because you named the kardopos foolishly.
[Exeunt Pasias and Witness, and enter Amynias]
Amynias. Ah me! Ah me!
Strep. Ha! Whoever is this, who is lamenting? Surely it
was not one of Carcinus' deities that spoke.
Amyn. But why do you wish to know this, who I am?-A
miserable man.
Strep. Then follow your own path.
Amyn. O harsh fortune! O Fates, breaking the wheels of
my horses! O Pallas, how you have destroyed me!
Strep. What evil, pray, has Tlepolemus ever done you?
Amyn. Do not jeer me, my friend; but order your son to
pay me the money which he received; especially as I have
been unfortunate.
Strep. What money is this?
Amyn. That which he borrowed.
Strep. Then you were really unlucky, as I think.
Amyn. By the gods, I fell while driving my horses.
Strep. Why, pray, do you talk nonsense, as if you had
fallen from an ass?
Amyn. Do I talk nonsense if I wish to recover my money?
Strep. You can't be in your senses yourself.
Amyn. Why, pray?
Strep. You appear to me to have had your brains shaken
as it were.
Amyn. And you appear to me, by Hermes, to be going to be
summoned, if you will not pay me the money?
Strep. Tell me now, whether you think that Jupiter
always rains fresh rain on each occasion, or that the
sun draws from below the same water back again?
Amyn. I know not which; nor do I care.
Strep. How then is it just that you should recover your
money, if you know nothing of meteorological matters?
Amyn. Well, if you are in want, pay me the interest of
my money.
Strep. What sort of animal is this interest?
Amyn. Most assuredly the money is always becoming more
and more every month and every day as the time slips
away.
Strep. You say well. What then? Is it possible that you
consider the sea to be greater now than formerly?
Amyn. No, by Jupiter, but equal; for it is not fitting
that it should be greater.
Strep. And how then, you wretch does this become no way
greater, though the rivers flow into it, while you seek
to increase your money? Will you not take yourself off
from my house? Bring me the goad.
[Enter Servant with a goad.]
Amyn. I call you to witness these things.
Strep. (beating him). Go! Why do you delay? Won't you
march, Mr. Blood-horse?
Amyn. Is not this an insult, pray?
Strep. Will you move quickly?
[Pricks him behind with the goad.]
I'll lay on you, goading you behind, you outrigger? Do
you fly?
[Amynias runs off.]
I thought I should stir you, together with your wheels
and your two-horse chariots.
[Exit Strepsiades.]
Cho. What a thing it is to love evil courses! For this
old man, having loved them, wishes to withhold the money
that he borrowed. And he will certainly meet with
something today, which will perhaps cause this sophist
to suddenly receive some misfortune, in return for the
knaveries he has begun. For I think that he will
presently find what has been long boiling up, that his
son is skilful to speak opinions opposed to justice, so
as to overcome all with whomsoever he holds converse,
even if he advance most villainous doctrines; and
perhaps, perhaps his father will wish that he were even
speechless.
Strep. (running out of the house pursued by his son)
Hollo! Hollo! O neighbours, and kinsfolk, and
fellow-tribesmen, defend me, by all means, who am being
beaten! Ah me, unhappy man, for my head and jaw! Wretch!
Do you beat your father?
Phid. Yes, father.
Strep. You see him owning that he beats me.
Phid. Certainly.
Strep. O wretch, and parricide, and house-breaker!
Phid. Say the same things of me again, and more. Do you
know that I take pleasure in being much abused?
Strep. You blackguard!
Phid. Sprinkle me with roses in abundance.
Strep. Do you beat your father?
Phid. And will prove too, by Jupiter! that I beat you
with justice.