FUNERALS
At no time does solemnity so possess our souls as when we stand deserted
at the brink of darkness into which our loved one has gone. And the last
place in the world where we would look for comfort at such a time is in
the seeming artificiality of etiquette; yet it is in the moment of deepest
sorrow that etiquette performs its most vital and real service.
All set rules for social observance have for their object the smoothing of
personal contacts, and in nothing is smoothness so necessary as in
observing the solemn rites accorded our dead.
It is the time-worn servitor, Etiquette, who draws the shades, who muffles
the bell, who keeps the house quiet, who hushes voices and footsteps and
sudden noises; who stands between well-meaning and importunate outsiders
and the retirement of the bereaved; who decrees that the last rites shall
be performed smoothly and with beauty and gravity, so that the poignancy
of grief may in so far as possible be assuaged.
=FIRST DETAILS=
As soon as death occurs, some one (the trained nurse usually) draws the
blinds in the sick-room and tells a servant to draw all the blinds of the
house.
If they are not already present, the first act of some one at the bedside
is to telephone or telegraph the immediate members of the family, the
clergyman and the sexton of the church to which the family belong, and
possibly one or two closest friends, whose competence and sympathy can be
counted on--as there are many things which must be done for the stricken
family as well as for the deceased. (The sexton of nearly every Protestant
church is also undertaker. If he is not, then an outside funeral director
is sent for.)
If the illness has been a long one, it may be that the family has become
attached to the trained nurse and no one is better fitted than she to turn
her ministrations from the one whom she can no longer help, to those who
have now very real need of just such care as she can give.
If the death was sudden, or the nurse unsympathetic or for other reasons
unavailable, then a relative or a near friend of practical sympathy is the
ideal attendant in charge.
=CONSIDERATION FOR THE FAMILY=
Persons under the shock of genuine affliction are not only upset mentally
but are all unbalanced physically. No matter how calm and controlled they
seemingly may be, no one can under such circumstances be normal. Their
disturbed circulation makes them cold, their distress makes them unstrung,
sleepless. Persons they normally like, they often turn from. No one should
ever be forced upon those in grief, and all over-emotional people, no
matter how near or dear, should be barred absolutely. Although the
knowledge that their friends love them and sorrow for them is a great
solace, the nearest afflicted must be protected from any one or anything
which is likely to overstrain nerves already at the threatening point, and
none have the right to feel hurt if they are told they can neither be of
use nor be received. At such a time, to some people companionship is a
comfort, others shrink from dearest friends. One who is by choice or
accident selected to come in contact with those in new affliction should,
like a trained nurse, banish all consciousness of self; otherwise he or
she will be or no service--and service is the only gift of value that can
be offered.
=FIRST AID TO THE BEREAVED=
First of all, the ones in sorrow should be urged if possible to sit in a
sunny room and where there is an open fire. If they feel unequal to going
to the table, a very little food should be taken to them on a tray. A cup
of tea or coffee or bouillon, a little thin toast, a poached egg, milk if
they like it hot, or milk toast. Cold milk is bad for one who is already
over-chilled. The cook may suggest something that appeals usually to their
taste--but very little should be offered at a time, for although the
stomach may be empty, the palate rejects the thought of food, and
digestion is never in best order.
It sounds paradoxical to say that those in sorrow should be protected from
all contacts, and yet that they must be constantly asked about
arrangements and given little time to remain utterly undisturbed. They
must think of people they want sent for, and they must decide the details
of the funeral; when they would like it held, and whether in church or at
the house, whether they want special music or flowers ordered, and where
the interment is to be.
=ON DUTY AT DOOR=
A friend or a servant is always stationed in the hall to open the door,
receive notes and cards, and to take messages. In a big house the butler
in his day clothes should answer the bell, with the parlor-maid to assist
him, until a footman can procure a black livery and take his or her place.
A parlor-maid or waitress at the door should wear either a black or gray
dress, with her plainest white apron, collar and cuffs.
=MEMBER OF FAMILY IN CHARGE=
A close friend or male member of the family should be--if not at the
door--as near the front hall as possible to see the countless people with
whom details have to be arranged, to admit to a member of the family
anyone they may want to see, and to give news to, or take messages from,
others.
As people come to the house to enquire and offer their services, he gives
them commissions the occasion requires. The first friend who hurries to
the house (in answer to the telephone message which announced the death)
is asked to break the news to an invalid connection of the family, or he
may be sent to the florist to order the bell hung, or to the station to
meet a child arriving from school.
=NOTICE TO PAPERS=
The sexton (or other funeral director) sends the notices to the daily
papers announcing the death, and the time and place of the funeral. The
form is generally selected by a member of the family from among those
appearing in that day's newspapers. These notices are paid for by the
sexton and put on his bill.
With the exception of the telephone messages or telegrams to relatives and
very intimate friends, no other notices are sent out. Only those persons
who are expected to go to the house at once have messages sent to them;
all others are supposed to read the notice in the papers. When the notice
reads "funeral private" and neither place nor time is given, very intimate
friends are supposed to ask for these details at the house; others
understand they are not expected.
=HANGING THE BELL=
As a rule the funeral director hangs crepe streamers on the bell; white
ones for a child, black and white for a young person, or black for an
older person. This signifies to the passerby that it is a house of
mourning so that the bell will not be rung unnecessarily nor long.
If they prefer, the family sometimes orders a florist to hang a bunch of
violets or other purple flowers on black ribbon streamers, for a grown
person; or white violets, white carnations--any white flower without
leaves--on the black ribbon for a young woman or man; or white flowers on
white gauze or ribbon for a child.
=CHECKING EXPENSES IN ADVANCE=
It is curious that long association with the sadness of death seems to
have deprived an occasional funeral director of all sense of moderation.
Whether the temptation of "good business" gradually undermines his
character--knowing as he does that bereaved families ask no questions--or
whether his profession is merely devoid of taste, he will, if not checked,
bring the most ornate and expensive casket in his establishment: he will
perform every rite that his professional ingenuity for expenditure can
devise; he will employ every attendant he has; he will order vehicles
numerous enough for the cortège of a president; he will even, if thrown in
contact with a bewildered chief-mourner, secure a pledge for the erection
of an elaborate mausoleum.
Some one, therefore, who has the family's interest at heart and knows
their taste and purse, should go personally to the establishment of the
undertaker, and not only select the coffin, but go carefully into the
specification of all other details, so that everything necessary may be
arranged for, and unnecessary items omitted.
This does not imply that a family that prefers a very elaborate funeral
should not be allowed to have one; but the great majority of people have
moderate, rather than unlimited means, and it is not unheard of that a
small estate is seriously depleted by vulgarly lavish and entirely
inappropriate funeral expenses. One would be a poor sort who for the sake
of friends would not willingly endure a little troublesome inquiry, rather
than witness a display of splurge and bad taste and realize at the same
time that the friends who might have been protected will be deluged with
bills which it cannot but embarrass them to pay.
=HONORARY PALLBEARERS=
The member of the family who is in charge will ask either when they come
to the house, or by telephone or telegraph if they are at a distance, six
or eight men who are close friends of the deceased to be the pallbearers.
When a man has been prominent in public life, he may have twelve or more
from among his political or business associates as well as his lifelong
social friends. Near relatives are never chosen, as their place is with
the women of the family. For a young woman, her own friends or those of
her family are chosen. It is a service that may not under any
circumstances except serious ill-health, be refused.
The one in charge will tell the pallbearers where they are to meet. It
used to be customary for them to go to the house on the morning of the
funeral and drive to the church behind the hearse, but as everything
tending to a conspicuous procession is being gradually done away with, it
is often preferred to have them wait in the vestibule of the church.
Honorary pallbearers serve only at church funerals; They do not carry the
coffin for the reason that, being unaccustomed to bearing such a burden,
one of them might possibly stumble, or at least give an impression of
uncertainty or awkwardness that might detract from the solemnity of the
occasion. The sexton's assistants are trained for this service, so as to
prevent in so far as is humanly possible a blundering occurrence.
=MOURNING FOR FUNERAL=
Among those who come to the house there is sure to be a woman friend of
the family whose taste and method of expenditure is similar to theirs. She
looks through the clothes they have, to see if there is not a black dress
or suit that can be used, and makes a list of only the necessary articles
which will have to be procured.
All dressmaking establishments give precedence to mourning orders and will
fill a commission within twenty-four hours. These first things are made
invariably without bothering the wearer with fitting. Alterations, if
required, are made later.
Or the mourning departments of the big stores and specialty shops are
always willing to send a selection on approval, so that a choice can be
made by the family in the privacy of their own rooms. Nearly always
acquaintances who are themselves in mourning offer to lend crepe veils,
toques and wraps, so that the garments which must be bought at first may
be as few as possible. Most women have a plain black suit, or dress, the
trimming of which can quickly be replaced with crepe by a maid or a
friend.
Most men are of standard size and can go to a clothier and buy a
ready-made black suit. Otherwise they must borrow, or wear what they have,
as no tailor can make a suit in twenty-four hours.
="SITTING UP" NO LONGER CUSTOMARY=
Unless the deceased was a prelate or personage whose lying-in-state is a
public ceremony, or unless it is the especial wish of the relatives, the
solemn vigil through long nights by the side of the coffin is no longer
essential as a mark of veneration or love for the departed.
Nor is the soulless body dressed in elaborate trappings of farewell
grandeur. Everything to-day is done to avoid unnecessary evidence of the
change that has taken place. In case of a very small funeral the person
who has passed away is sometimes left lying in bed in night clothes, or on
a sofa in a wrapper, with flowers, but no set pieces, about the room, so
that an invalid or other sensitive bereft one may say farewell without
ever seeing the all too definite finality of a coffin. In any event the
last attentions are paid in accordance with the wish of those most nearly
concerned.
=EXTRA WORK FOR SERVANTS=
Kindness of heart is latent in all of us, and servants, even if they have
not been long with a family, rise to the emergency of such a time as that
of a funeral, which always puts additional work upon them and often leaves
them to manage under their own initiative. The house is always full of
people, family and intimate friends occupy all available accommodation,
but it is a rare household which does not give sympathy as generously
below stairs as above; and he or she would be thought very heartless by
their companions who did not willingly and helpfully assume a just share
of the temporary tax on energy, time and consideration.
=CHURCH FUNERAL=
The church funeral is the more trying, in that the family have to leave
the seclusion of their house and face a congregation. On the other hand,
many who find solemnity only in a church service with the added beauty of
choir and organ, prefer to take their heartrending farewell in the House
of God.
=ARRANGING AND RECORDING FLOWERS=
An hour before the time for the service, if the family is Protestant, one
or two woman friends go to the church to arrange the flowers which are
placed about the chancel. Unless they have had unusual practise in such
arrangement they should, if possible, have the assistance of a florist, as
effective grouping and fastening of heavy wreaths and sprays is apt to
overtax the ingenuity of novices, no matter how perfect their usual taste
may be.
Whoever takes charge of the flowers must be sure to collect carefully all
the notes and cards. They should always take extra pencils in case the
points break, and write on the outside of each envelope a description of
the flowers that the card was sent with.
"Spray of Easter lilies and palm branches tied with white ribbon."
"Wreath of laurel leaves and gardenias."
"Long sheaf of pink roses and white lilacs."
These descriptions will afterwards help identify and recall the flowers
when notes of thanks are sent.
As the appointed time for the funeral draws near, the organ plays softly,
the congregation gradually fills the church. The first pews on either side
of the center aisle are left empty.
=THE PROCESSIONAL=
At the appointed time the funeral procession forms in the vestibule. If
there is to be a choral service the minister and the choir enter the
church from the rear, and precede the funeral cortège. Directly after the
choir and clergy come the pallbearers, two by two, then the coffin covered
with flowers and then the family--the chief mourner comes first, leaning
upon the arm of her closest male relative. Usually each man is escort for
a woman, but two women or two men may walk together according to the
division of the family. If the deceased is one of four sons where there is
no daughter, the mother and father walk immediately behind the body of
their child, followed by the two elder sons and behind them the younger,
with the nearest woman relative. If there is a grandmother, she walks with
the eldest son and the younger two follow together. If it is a family of
daughters who are following their father, the eldest daughter may walk
with her mother, or the mother may walk with her brother, or a son-in-law.
Although the arrangement of the procession is thus fixed, those in
affliction should be placed next to the one whose nearness may be of most
comfort to them. A younger child who is calm and soothing would better be
next to his mother than an older who is of more nervous temperament.
At the funeral of a woman, her husband sometimes walks alone, but usually
with his mother or his daughter. A very few intimate friends walk at the
rear of the family, followed by the servants of the household. At the
chancel the choir take their accustomed places, the minister stands at the
foot of the chancel steps, the honorary pallbearers take their places in
the front pews on the left, and the coffin is set upon a stand previously
placed there for the purpose. The bearers of the coffin walk quietly
around to inconspicuous stations on a side aisle. The family occupy the
front pews on the right, the rest of the procession fill vacant places on
either side. The service is then read.
=THE RECESSIONAL=
Upon the conclusion of the service, the procession moves out in the same
order as it came in excepting that the choir remain in their places and
the honorary pallbearers go first. Outside the church, the coffin is put
into the hearse, the family getting into carriages or motors waiting
immediately behind, and the flowers are put into a covered vehicle. (It is
very vulgar to fill open landaus with displayed floral offerings and
parade through the streets.)
=FEW GO TO THE BURIAL=
If the burial is in the churchyard or otherwise within walking distance,
the congregation naturally follows the family to the graveside. Otherwise,
the general congregation no longer expects, nor wishes, to go to the
interment which (excepting at a funeral of public importance) is witnessed
only by the immediate family and the most intimate friends, who are asked
if they "care to go." The long line of carriages that used to stand at the
church ready to be filled with a long file of mere acquaintances is a
barbarous thing of the past.
=HOUSE FUNERAL=
Many people prefer a house funeral--it is simpler, more private, and
obviates the necessity for those in sorrow to face people. The nearest
relatives may stay apart in an adjoining room or even upon the upper
floor, where they can hear the service but remain in unseen seclusion.
Ladies keep their wraps on. Gentlemen wear their overcoats or carry them
on their arms and hold their hats in their hands.
=MUSIC=
To many people there is lack of solemnity in a service outside of a church
and lacking the accompaniment of the organ. It is almost impossible to
introduce orchestral music that does not sound either dangerously
suggestive of the gaiety of entertainment or else thin and flat. A quartet
or choral singing is beautiful and appropriate, if available, otherwise
there is usually no music at a house funeral.
=HOUSE ARRANGEMENT=
Some authorities say that only the flowers sent by very close friends
should be shown at a house funeral, and that it is ostentatious to make a
display. But when people, or societies, have been kind enough to send
flowers, it would certainly be wanting in appreciation, to say the least,
to relegate their offerings to the back yard--or wherever it is that the
cavilers would have them hid!
In a small house where flowers would be overpowering, it is customary to
insert in the death notice: "It is requested that no flowers be sent," or
"Kindly omit flowers."
Arrangement for the service is usually made in the drawing-room, and the
coffin is placed in front of the mantel, or between the windows, but
always at a distance from the door, usually on stands brought by the
funeral director, who also brings enough camp chairs to fill the room
without crowding. A friend, or a member of the family, collects the cards
and arranges the flowers behind and at the side and against the stands of
the coffin. If there is to be a blanket or pall of smilax or other leaves
with or without flowers, fastened to a frame, or sewed on thin material
and made into a covering, it is always ordered by the family. Otherwise,
the wreaths to be placed on the coffin are chosen from among those sent by
the family.
=THE SERVICE=
As friends arrive, they are shown to the room where the ceremony is to be
held, but they take their own places. A room must be apportioned to the
minister in which to put on his vestments. At the hour set for the funeral
the immediate family, if they feel like being present, take their places
in the front row of chairs. The women wear small hats or toques and long
crepe veils over their faces, so that their countenances may be hidden.
The minister takes his stand at the head of the coffin and reads the
service.
At its conclusion the coffin is carried out to the hearse, which, followed
by a small number of carriages, proceeds to the cemetery.
It is very rare nowadays for any but a small group of relatives and
intimate men friends to go to the cemetery, and it is not thought unloving
or slighting of the dead for no women at all to be at the graveside. If
any women are to be present and the interment is to be in the ground, some
one should order the grave lined with boughs and green branches--to lessen
the impression of bare earth.
=DISTANT COUNTRY FUNERAL=
In the country where relatives and friends arrive by train, carriages or
motors must be provided to convey them to the house or church or cemetery.
If the clergyman has no conveyance of his own, he must always be sent for,
and if the funeral is in a house, a room must be set apart for him in
which to change his clothes.
It is unusual for a family to provide a "special car." Sometimes the hour
of the funeral is announced in the papers as taking place on the arrival
of a certain train, but everyone who attends is expected to pay his own
railway fare and make, if necessary, his own arrangements for lunch.
Only when the country place where the funeral is held is at a distance
from town and a long drive from the railway station, a light repast of
bouillon, rolls and tea and sandwiches may be spread on the dining-room
table. Otherwise refreshments are never offered--except to those of the
family, of course, who are staying in the house.
=HOUSE RESTORED TO ORDER=
While the funeral cortège is still at the cemetery, some one who is in
charge at home must see that the mourning emblem is taken off the bell,
that the windows are opened, the house aired from the excessive odor of
flowers, and the blinds pulled up. Any furniture that has been displaced
should be put back where it belongs, and unless the day is too hot a fire
should be lighted in the library or principal bedroom to make a little
more cheerful the sad home-coming of the family. It is also well to
prepare a little hot tea or broth, and it should be brought them upon
their return without their being asked if they would care for it. Those
who are in great distress want no food, but if it is handed to them, they
will mechanically take it, and something warm to start digestion and
stimulate impaired circulation is what they most need.
=MOURNING=
A generation or two ago the regulations for mourning were definitely
prescribed, definite periods according to the precise degree of
relationship of the mourner. One's real feelings, whether of grief or
comparative indifference, had nothing to do with the outward manifestation
one was obliged, in decency, to show. The tendency to-day is toward
sincerity. People do not put on black for aunts, uncles and cousins unless
there is a deep tie of affection as well as of blood.
Many persons to-day do not believe in going into mourning at all. There
are some who believe, as do the races of the East, that great love should
be expressed in rejoicing in the re-birth of a beloved spirit instead of
selfishly mourning their own earthly loss. But many who object to
manifestations of grief, find themselves impelled to wear mourning when
their sorrow comes and the number of those who do not put on black is
still comparatively small.
=PROTECTION OF MOURNING=
If you see acquaintances of yours in deepest mourning, it does not occur
to you to go up to them and babble trivial topics or ask them to a dance
or dinner. If you pass close to them, irresistible sympathy compels you
merely to stop and press their hand and pass on. A widow, or mother, in
the newness of her long veil, has her hard path made as little difficult
as possible by everyone with whom she comes in contact, no matter on what
errand she may be bent. A clerk in a store will try to wait on her as
quickly and as attentively as possible. Acquaintances avoid stopping her
with long conversation that could not but torture and distress her. She
meets small kindnesses at every turn, which save unnecessary jars to
supersensitive nerves.
Once in a great while, a tactless person may have no better sense than to
ask her abruptly for whom she is in mourning! Such people would not
hesitate to walk over the graves in a cemetery! And fortunately, such
encounters are few.
Since many people, however, dislike long mourning veils and all crepe
generally, it is absolutely correct to omit both if preferred, and to wear
an untrimmed coat and hat of plainest black with or without a veil.
=A WORD OF ECONOMY=
In the first days of stress, people sometimes give away every colored
article they possess and not until later are they aware of the effort
necessary, to say nothing of the expense, of getting an entire new
wardrobe. Therefore it is well to remember:
Dresses and suits can be dyed without ripping. Any number of fabrics--all
woolens, soft silks, canton crepe, georgette and chiffon, dye perfectly.
Buttonholes have sometimes to be re-worked, snaps or hooks and eyes
changed to black, a bit of trimming taken off or covered with dull braid,
silk or crepe, and the clothes look every bit as well as though newly
ordered.
Straw hats can be painted with an easily applied stain sold in every drug
and department store for the purpose. If you cannot trim hats yourself, a
milliner can easily imitate, or, if necessary, simplify the general
outline of the trimming as it was, and a seamstress can easily cover dyed
trimmings on dresses with crepe or dull silk. Also tan shoes--nearly all
footwear made of leather--can be dyed black and made to look like new by
any first class shoemaker.
=MOURNING MATERIALS=
Lustreless silks, such as crepe de chine, georgette, chiffon, grosgrain,
peau de soie, dull finish charmeuse and taffeta, and all plain woolen
materials, are suitable for deepest mourning. Uncut velvet is as deep
mourning as crepe, but cut velvet is not mourning at all! Nor is satin or
lace. The only lace permissible is a plain or hemstitched net known as
"footing."
Fancy weaves in stockings are not mourning, nor is bright jet or silver. A
very perplexing decree is that clothes entirely of white are deepest
mourning but the addition of a black belt or hat or gloves produces second
mourning.
Patent leather and satin shoes are not mourning.
People in second mourning wear all combinations of black and white as well
as clothes of gray and mauve. Many of the laws for materials seem
arbitrary, and people interpret them with greater freedom than they used
to, but never under any circumstances can one who is not entirely in
colors wear satin embroidered in silver or trimmed with jet and lace! With
the exception of wearing a small string of pearls and a single ring,
especially if it is an engagement ring, jewelry with deepest mourning is
never in good taste.
=WHEN A VEIL IS NOT WORN=
Nor should a woman ever wear a crepe veil to the theater or restaurant, or
any public place of amusement. On the other hand, people left long to
themselves and their own thoughts grow easily morbid, and the opera or
concert or an interesting play may exert a beneficial relaxation. Gay
restaurants with thumping strident musical accompaniment or entertainments
of the cabaret variety, need scarcely be commented upon. But to go to a
matinée with a close friend or relative is becoming more and more
usual--and the picture theaters where one may sit in the obscurity and be
diverted by the story on the silver screen which, requiring no mental
effort, often diverts a sad mind for an hour or so, is an undeniable
blessing. An observer would have to be much at a loss for material who
could find anything to criticise in seeing a family together under such
circumstances.
One generally leaves off a long veil, however, for such an occasion and
drives bareheaded, if it be evening, or substitutes a short black face
veil over one's hat on entering and leaving a building in the daytime.
=MOURNING FOR COUNTRY WEAR=
Except for church, crepe veils and clothes heavily trimmed with crepe are
not appropriate in the country--ever! Mourning clothes for the summer
consist of plain black serge or tweed, silk or cotton material, all black
with white organdy collar and cuffs, and a veil-less hat with a brim. Or
one may dress entirely in dull materials of white.
=A WIDOW'S MOURNING=
A widow used never to wear any but woolen materials, made as plain as
possible, with deep-hemmed turn-back cuffs and collar of white organdy. On
the street she wore a small crepe bonnet with a little cap-border of white
crepe or organdy and a long veil of crepe or nun's veiling to the bottom
edge of her skirt, over her face as well as down her back. At the end of
three months the front veil was put back from over her face, but the long
veil was worn two years at least, and frequently for life. These details
are identical with those prescribed to-day excepting that she may wear
lustreless silks as well as wool, the duration of mourning may be shorter,
and she need never wear her veil over her face except at the funeral
unless she chooses.
A widow of mature years who follows old-fashioned conventions wears deep
mourning with crepe veil two years, black the third year and second
mourning the fourth. But shorter periods of mourning are becoming more and
more the custom and many consider three or even two years conventional.
=THE VERY YOUNG WIDOW=
The young widow should wear deep crepe for a year and then lighter
mourning for six months and second mourning for six months longer. There
is nothing more utterly captivating than a sweet young face under a
widow's veil, and it is not to be wondered at that her own loneliness and
need of sympathy, combined with all that is appealing to sympathy in a
man, results in the healing of her heart. She should, however, never
remain in mourning for her first husband after she has decided she can be
consoled by a second.
There is no reason why a woman (or a man) should not find such
consolation, but she should keep the intruding attraction away from her
thoughts until the year of respect is up, after which she is free to put
on colors and make happier plans.
=MOURNING WORN BY A MOTHER=
A mother who has lost a grown child wears the same mourning as that
prescribed for a widow excepting the white cap ruche. Some mothers wear
mourning for their children always, others do not believe in being long in
black for a spirit that was young, and, for babies or very young children,
wear colorless clothes of white or gray or mauve.
=A DAUGHTER OR SISTER=
A daughter or sister wears a long veil over her face at the funeral. The
length of the veil may be to her waist or to the hem of her skirt, and it
is worn for from three months to a year, according to her age and
feelings. An older woman wears deep black for her parents, sisters and
brothers for a year, and then lightens her mourning during the second
year. A young girl, if she is out in society or in college, may wear a
long veil for her parents or her betrothed, if she wants to, or she wears
a thin net veil edged with crepe and the corners falling a short way down
her back--or none at all.
Very young girls of from fourteen to eighteen wear black for three months
and then six months of black and white. They never wear veils of any sort,
nor are their clothes trimmed in crepe. Children from eight to fourteen
wear black and white and gray for six months for a parent, brother, sister
or grandparent. Young children are rarely put into mourning, though their
clothes are often selected to avoid vivid color. They usually wear white
with no black except a hair ribbon for the girls and a necktie for the
boys. Very little children in black are too pitiful.
=EXTREME FASHION INAPPROPRIATE=
Fancy clothes in mourning are always offenses against good taste, because
as the word implies, a person is in _mourning_. To have the impression
of "fashion" dominant is contrary to the purpose of somber dress; it is a
costume for the spirit, a covering for the visible body of one whose soul
seeks the background. Nothing can be in worse taste than crepe which is
gathered and ruched and puffed and pleated and made into waterfalls, and
imitation ostrich feathers as a garnishing for a hat. The more absolutely
plain, the more appropriate and dignified is the mourning dress. A "long
veil" is a shade pulled down--a protection--it should never be a flaunting
arrangement to arrest the amazed attention of the passerby.
The necessity for dignity can not be overemphasized.
=BAD TASTE IN MOURNING=
Mourning observances are all matters of fixed form, and any deviation from
precise convention is interpreted by the world at large as signifying want
of proper feeling.
How often has one heard said of a young woman who was perhaps merely
ignorant of the effect of her inappropriate clothes or unconventional
behavior: "Look at her! And her dear father scarcely cold in his grave!"
Or "Little she seems to have cared for her mother--and such a lovely one
she had, too." Such remarks are as thoughtless as are the actions of the
daughter, but they point to an undeniable condition. Better far not wear
mourning at all, saying you do not believe in it, than allow your unseemly
conduct to indicate indifference to the memory of a really beloved parent;
better that a young widow should go out in scarlet and yellow on the day
after her husband's funeral than wear weeds which attract attention on
account of their flaunting bad taste and flippancy. One may not, one must
not, one _can not_ wear the very last cry of exaggerated fashion in crepe,
nor may one be boisterous or flippant or sloppy in manner, without giving
the impression to all beholders that one's spirit is posturing, tripping,
or dancing on the grave of sacred memory.
This may seem exaggerated, but if you examine the expressions, you will
find that they are essentially true.
Draw the picture for yourself: A slim figure, if you like, held in the
posture of the caterpillar slouch, a long length of stocking so thin as to
give the effect of shaded skin above high-heeled slippers with sparkling
buckles of bright jet, a short skirt, a scrappy, thin, low-necked,
short-sleeved blouse through which white underclothing shows various
edgings of lace and ribbons, and on top of this, a painted face under a
long crepe veil! Yet the wearer of this costume may in nothing but
appearance resemble the unmentionable class of women she suggests; as a
matter of fact she is very likely a perfectly decent young person and
really sad at heart, and her clothes and "make up" not different from
countless others who pass unnoticed because their colored clothing
suggests no mockery of solemnity.
=MOURNING WEAR FOR MEN=
The necessity of business and affairs which has made withdrawal into
seclusion impossible, has also made it customary for the majority of men
to go into mourning by the simple expedient of putting a black band on
their hat or on the left sleeve of their usual clothes and wearing only
white instead of colored linen.
A man never under any circumstances wears crepe. The band on his hat is of
very fine cloth and varies in width according to the degree of mourning
from two and a half inches to within half an inch of the top of a high
hat. On other hats the width is fixed at about two and a half or three
inches. The sleeve band, from three and a half to four and a half inches
in width, is of dull broadcloth on overcoats or winter clothing, and of
serge on summer clothes. The sleeve band of mourning is sensible for many
reasons, the first being that of economy. Men's clothes do not come
successfully from the encounter with dye vats, nor lend themselves to
"alterations," and an entire new wardrobe is an unwarranted burden to
most.
Except for the one black suit bought for the funeral and kept for Sunday
church, or other special occasion, only wealthy men or widowers go to the
very considerable expense of getting a new wardrobe. Widowers--especially
if they are elderly--always go into black (which includes very dark gray
mixtures) with a deep black band on the hat, and of course, black ties and
socks and shoes and gloves.
=CONVENTIONS OF MOURNING FOR MEN=
Although the etiquette is less exacting, the standards of social
observance are much the same for a man as for a woman. A widower should
not be seen at any general entertainment, such as a dance, or in a box at
the opera, for a year; a son for six months; a brother for three--at
least! The length of time a father stays in mourning for a child is more a
matter of his own inclination.
=MOURNING LIVERY=
Coachmen and chauffeurs wear black liveries in town. In the country they
wear gray or even their ordinary whipcord with a black band on the left
sleeve.
The house footman is always put into a black livery with dull buttons and
a black and white striped waistcoat. Maids are not put into mourning with
the exception of a lady's maid or nurse who, through many years of
service, has "become one of the family," and who personally desires to
wear mourning as though for a relative of her own.
=ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF SYMPATHY=
In the case of a very prominent person where messages of condolence, many
of them impersonal, mount into the thousands, the sending of engraved
cards to strangers is proper, such as:
Mr. W. Ide Bonds
wishes to gratefully acknowledge
your kind expression of sympathy
or
Senator and Mrs. Michigan
wish to express their appreciation of
[HW: Miss Millicent Gildings]
sympathy in their recent bereavement
Under no circumstances should such cards be sent to intimate friends, or
to those who have sent flowers or written personal letters.
When some one with real sympathy in his heart has taken the trouble to
select and send flowers, or has gone to the house and offered what service
he might, or has in a spirit of genuine regard, written a personal letter,
the receipt of words composed by a stationer and dispatched by a
professional secretary is exactly as though his outstretched hand had been
pushed aside.
A family in mourning is in retirement from all social activities. There is
no excuse on the score of their "having no time." Also no one expects a
long letter, nor does any one look for an early reply. A personal word on
a visiting card is all any one asks for. The envelope may be addressed by
some one else.
It takes but a moment to write "Thank you," or "Thank you for all
sympathy," or "Thank you for your kind offers and sympathy." Or, on a
sheet of letter paper:
"Thank you, dear Mrs. Smith, for your beautiful flowers and your
kind sympathy."
Or:
"Your flowers were so beautiful! Thank you for them and for your
loving message."
Or:
"Thank you for your sweet letter. I know you meant it and I
appreciate it."
Many, many such notes can be written in a day. If the list is overlong, or
the one who received the flowers and messages is in reality so prostrated
that she (or he) is unable to perform the task of writing, then some
member of her immediate family can write for her:
"Mother (or father) is too ill to write and asks me to thank you
for your beautiful flowers and kind message."
Most people find a sad comfort as well as pain, in the reading and
replying to letters and cards, but they should not sit at it too long; it
is apt to increase rather than assuage their grief. Therefore, no one
expects more than a word--but that word should be _seemingly personal_.
=OBLIGATIONS OF PRESENCE AT FUNERALS=
Upon reading the death notice of a mere acquaintance you may leave your
card at the house, if you feel so inclined, or you may merely send your
card.
Upon the death of an intimate acquaintance or friend you should go at once
to the house, write, "With sympathy" on your card and leave it at the
door. Or you should write a letter to the family; in either case, you send
flowers addressed to the nearest relative. On the card accompanying the
flowers, you write, "With sympathy," "With deepest sympathy," or "With
heartfelt sympathy," or "With love and sympathy." If there is a notice in
the papers "requesting no flowers be sent," you send them only if you are
a very intimate friend.
Or if you prefer, send a few flowers with a note, immediately after the
funeral, to the member of the family who is particularly your friend.
If the notice says "funeral private" you do not go unless you have
received a message from the family that you are expected, or unless you
are such an intimate friend that you know you are expected without being
asked. Where a general notice is published in the paper, it is proper and
fitting that you should show sympathy by going to the funeral, even though
you had little more than a visiting acquaintance with the family. You
should _not_ leave cards nor go to a funeral of a person with whom you
have not in any way been associated or to whose house you have never been
asked.
But it is heartless and delinquent if you do not go to the funeral of one
with whom you were associated in business or other interests, or to whose
house you were often invited, or where you are a friend of the immediate
members of the family.
You should wear black clothes if you have them, or if not, the darkest,
the least conspicuous you possess. Enter the church as quietly as
possible, and as there are no ushers at a funeral, seat yourself where you
approximately belong. Only a very intimate friend should take a position
far up on the center aisle. If you are merely an acquaintance you should
sit inconspicuously in the rear somewhere, unless the funeral is very
small and the church big, in which case you may sit on the end seat of the
center aisle toward the back.