ENGAGEMENTS
=COURTSHIP=
So long as Romance exists and Lochinvar remains young manhood's ideal,
love at first sight and marriage in a week is within the boundaries of
possibility. But usually (and certainly more wisely) a young man is for
some time attentive to a young woman before dreaming of marriage. Thus not
only have her parents plenty of time to find out what manner of man he is,
and either accept or take means to prevent a serious situation; but the
modern young woman herself is not likely to be "carried away" by the
personality of anyone whose character and temperament she does not pretty
thoroughly understand and weigh.
In nothing does the present time more greatly differ from the close of the
last century, than in the unreserved frankness of young women and men
towards each other. Those who speak of the domination of sex in this day
are either too young to remember, or else have not stopped to consider,
that mystery played a far greater and more dangerous rôle when sex, like a
woman's ankle, was carefully hidden from view, and therefore far more
alluring than to-day when both are commonplace matters.
In cities twenty-five years ago, a young girl had beaux who came to see
her one at a time; they in formal clothes and manners, she in her "company
best" to "receive" them, sat stiffly in the "front parlor" and made
politely formal conversation. Invariably they addressed each other as Miss
Smith and Mr. Jones, and they "talked off the top" with about the same
lack of reservation as the ambassador of one country may be supposed to
talk to him of another. A young man was said to be "devoted" to this young
girl or that, but as a matter of fact each was acting a rôle, he of an
admirer and she of a siren, and each was actually an utter stranger to the
other.
=FRIENDSHIP AND GROUP SYSTEM=
To-day no trace of stilted artificiality remains. The tête-a-tête of a
quarter of a century ago has given place to the continual presence of a
group. A flock of young girls and a flock of young men form a little group
of their own--everywhere they are together. In the country they visit the
same houses or they live in the same neighborhood, they play golf in
foursomes, and tennis in mixed doubles. In winter at balls they sit at the
same table for supper, they have little dances at their own homes, where
scarcely any but themselves are invited; they play bridge, they have tea
together, but whatever they do, they stay in the pack. In more than one
way this group habit is excellent; young women and men are friends in a
degree of natural and entirely platonic intimacy undreamed of in their
parents' youth. Having the habit therefore of knowing her men friends
well, a young girl is not going to imagine a stranger, no matter how
perfect he may appear to be, anything but an ordinary human man after all.
And in finding out his bad points as well as his good, she is aided and
abetted, encouraged or held in check, by the members of the group to which
she belongs.
Suppose, for instance, that a stranger becomes attentive to Mary;
immediately her friends fix their attention upon him, watching him.
Twenty-five years ago the young men would have looked upon him with
jealousy, and the young women would have sought to annex him. To-day their
attitude is: "Is he good enough for Mary?" And, eagle-eyed, protective of
Mary, they watch him. If they think he is all right he becomes a member of
the group. It may develop that Mary and he care nothing for each other,
and he may fall in love with another member, or he may drift out of the
group again or he may stay in it and Mary herself marry out of it. But if
he is not liked, her friends will not be bashful about telling Mary
exactly what they think, and they will find means usually--unless their
prejudice is without foundation--to break up the budding "friendship" far
better than any older person could do. If she is really in love with him
and determined to marry in spite of their frankly given opinion, she at
least makes her decision with her eyes open.
There are also occasions when a young woman is persuaded by her parents
into making a "suitable marriage"; there are occasions when a young woman
persists in making a marriage in opposition to her parents; but usually a
young man either belongs in or joins her particular circle of intimate
friends, and one day, it may be to their own surprize, though seldom to
that of their intimates, they find that each is the only one in the world
for the other, and they become engaged.
=FIRST DUTY OF THE ACCEPTED SUITOR=
If a young man and his parents are very close friends it is more than
likely he will already have told them of the seriousness of his
intentions. Very possibly he has asked his father's financial assistance,
or at least discussed ways and means, but as soon as he and she have
definitely made up their minds that they want to marry each other, it is
the immediate duty of the man to go to the girl's father or her guardian,
and ask his consent. If her father refuses, the engagement cannot exist.
The man must then try, through work or other proof of stability and
seriousness, to win the father's approval. Failing in that, the young
woman is faced with dismissing him or marrying in opposition to her
parents. There are, of course, unreasonable and obdurate parents, but it
is needless to point out that a young woman assumes a very great risk who
takes her future into her own hands and elopes. But even so, there is no
excuse for the most unfilial act of all--deception. The honorable young
woman who has made up her mind to marry in spite of her parents'
disapproval, announces to them, if she can, that on such and such a day
her wedding will take place. If this is impossible, she at least refuses
to give her word that she will not marry. The height of dishonor is to
"give her word" and then break it.
=THE APPROVED ENGAGEMENT=
Usually, however, when the young man enters the study or office of her
father, the latter has a perfectly good idea of what he has come to say
and, having allowed his attentions, is probably willing to accept his
daughter's choice; and the former after announcing that the daughter has
accepted him, goes into details as to his financial standing and
prospects. If the finances are not sufficiently stable, the father may
tell him to wait for a certain length of time before considering himself
engaged, or if they are satisfactory to him, he makes no objection to an
immediate announcement. In either case, the man probably hurries to tell
the young woman what her father has said, and if he has been very
frequently at the house, very likely they both tell her mother and her
immediate family, or, more likely still, she has told her mother first of
all.
=HIS PARENTS CALL ON HERS=
As soon as the young woman's father accepts the engagement, etiquette
demands that the parents of the bridegroom-elect call at once (within
twenty-four hours) upon the parents of the bride-to-be. If illness or
absence prevents one of them, the other must go alone. If the young man is
an orphan, his uncle, aunt or other nearest relative should go in the
parents' place. Not even deep mourning can excuse the failure to observe
this formality.
=THE ENGAGEMENT RING=
It is doubtful if he who carries a solitaire ring enclosed in a little
square box and produces it from his pocket upon the instant that she says
"Yes," exists outside of the moving pictures! As a matter of fact, the
accepted suitor usually consults his betrothed's taste--which of course
may be gratified or greatly modified, according to the length of his
purse--or he may, without consulting her, buy what ring he chooses. A
solitaire diamond is the conventional emblem of "the singleness and
endurability of the one love in his life," and the stone is supposed to be
"pure and flawless" as the bride herself, and their future together--or
sentiments equally beautiful. There is also sentiment for a sapphire's
"depth of true blue." Pearls are supposed to mean tears; emeralds,
jealousy; opals, the essence of bad luck; but the ruby stands for warmth
and ardor: all of which it is needless to say is purest unfounded
superstition.
In the present day, precious stones having soared far out of reach of all
but the really rich, fashion rather prefers a large semi-precious one to a
microscopic diamond. "Fashion," however, is merely momentary and local,
and the great majority will probably always consider a diamond the only
ring to have.
It is not obligatory, or even customary, for the girl to give the man an
engagement present, but there is no impropriety in her doing so if she
wants to, and any of the following articles would be suitable: A pair of
cuff links, or waistcoat buttons, or a watch chain, or a key chain, or a
cigarette case. Probably because the giving of an engagement ring is his
particular province, she very rarely gives him a ring or, in fact, any
present at all.
The engagement ring is worn for the first time "in public" on the day of
the announcement.
=BEFORE ANNOUNCEMENT=
Usually a few days before the formal announcement--and still earlier for
letters written abroad or to distant States--both young people write to
their aunts, uncles, and cousins, and to their most intimate friends, of
their engagement, asking them not to tell anyone until the determined
date.
As soon as they receive the news, all the relatives of the groom-elect
must call on the bride. She is not "welcomed by the family" until their
cards, left upon her in person, assure her so. She must, of course, return
all of these visits, and as soon as possible.
If his people are in the habit of entertaining, they should very soon ask
her with her fiancé to lunch or to dinner, or after the engagement is
publicly announced, give a dinner or tea or dance in her honor. If, on the
other hand, they are very quiet people, their calling upon her is
sufficient in itself to show their welcome.
In case of a recent death in either immediate family, the engagement
cannot be publicly announced until the first period of mourning is past.
(It is entirely dignified for a private wedding to take place at the
bedside of a very ill parent, or soon after a deep bereavement. In that
case there is, of course, no celebration, and the service is read in the
presence of the immediate families only.)
The announcement is invariably made by the parents of the bride-elect. It
is a breach of etiquette for a member of the young man's family to tell of
the engagement until the formal announcement has been arranged for.
=ANNOUNCEMENT OF ENGAGEMENT=
On the evening before the day of the announcement, the bride's mother
either sends a note, or has some one call the various daily papers by
telephone, and says: "I am speaking for Mrs. John Huntington Smith. Mr.
and Mrs. Smith are announcing the engagement of their daughter, Mary, to
Mr. James Smartlington, son of Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Brown Smartlington, of
2000 Arcade Avenue."
If either the Huntington Smiths or the Arthur Smartlingtons are socially
prominent, reporters will be sent to get further information. Photographs
and details, such as entertainments to be given, or plans for the wedding,
will probably be asked for. The prejudices of old-fashioned people against
giving personal news to papers is rapidly being overcome and not even the
most conservative any longer object to a dignified statement of facts,
such as Mrs. Smith's telephone message.
It is now considered entirely good form to give photographs to magazines
and newspapers, but one should never send them unless specially
requested.
On the eve of the announcement, a dinner is sometimes given by the young
girl's parents, and the news is told by her father, who at about salad
course or dessert, proposes the health of his daughter and future
son-in-law.
=HOW A HEALTH IS PROPOSED=
The host after directing that all glasses at the table be filled, rises,
lifts his own glass and says: "I propose we drink to the health of my
daughter Mary and the young man she has decided to add permanently to our
family, James Smartlington."
Or:
"A standing toast: To my Mary and to her--Jim!"
Or:
"I want you to drink the happiness of a young pair whose future welfare is
close to the hearts of all of us: Mary (holding up his glass and looking
at her) and Jim!" (holding it up again and looking at him). Every one
except Mary and Jim rises and drinks a swallow or two (of whatever the
champagne substitute may be). Every one then congratulates the young
couple, and Jim is called upon for a "speech"!
Generally rather "fussed," Jim rises and says something like:
"I--er--we--thank you all very much indeed for all your good wishes," and
sits down. Or if he is an earnest rather than a shy youth, perhaps he
continues: "I don't have to tell you how lucky _I_ am, the thing for me to
do is to prove, if I can, that Mary has not made the mistake of her life
in choosing me, and I hope that it won't be very long before we see you
all at our own table with Mary at the head of it and I, where I belong, at
the foot."
Or:
"I can't make a speech and you know it. But I certainly am lucky
and I know it."
=WHEN NO SPEECH IS MADE=
The prevailing custom in New York and other big cities is for the party to
be given on the afternoon or evening of the day of announcement. The
engagement in this case is never proclaimed to the guests as an assembled
audience. The news is "out" and everyone is supposed to have heard it.
Those who have not, can not long remain ignorant, as the groom-elect is
either receiving with his fiancée or brought forward by her father and
presented to every one he does not know. Everybody congratulates him and
offers the bride-to-be good wishes for her happiness.
A dinner or other entertainment given to announce an engagement is by no
means necessary. "Quiet people" very often merely write notes of
announcement and say they will be at home on such an afternoon at tea
time. The form and detail are exactly the same as on an habitual day at
home except that the bride and groom-elect both receive as well as her
mother.
=PARTIES FOR THE ENGAGED COUPLE=
If the families and friends of the young couple are at all in the habit of
entertaining, the announcement of an engagement is the signal always for a
shower of invitations.
The parents of the groom-elect are sure to give a dance, or a "party" of
one kind or another "to meet" their daughter-to-be. If the engagement is a
short one, their life becomes a veritable dashing from this house to that,
and every meal they eat seems to be one given for them by some one. It is
not uncommon for a bride-elect to receive a few engagement presents.
(These are entirely apart from wedding presents which come later.) A small
afternoon teacup and saucer used to be the typical engagement gift, but it
has gone rather out of vogue, along with harlequin china in general.
Engagement presents are usually personal trifles sent either by her own
very intimate friends or by members of her fiancé's family as especial
messages of welcome to hers--and as such are very charming. But any
general fashion that necessitates giving engagement as well as wedding
presents may well be looked upon with alarm by those who have only
moderately filled pocketbooks!
=ENGAGED COUPLE IN PUBLIC=
There is said to be still preserved somewhere in Massachusetts a
whispering reed through the long hollow length of which lovers were wont
to whisper messages of tenderness to each other while separated by a
room's length and the inevitable chaperonage of the fiancée's entire
family.
From those days to these is a far cry, but even in this era of liberty and
naturalness of impulse, running the gauntlet of people's attention and
criticism is no small test of the good taste and sense of a young couple.
The hall-mark of so-called "vulgar people" is unrestricted display of
uncontrolled emotions. No one should ever be made to feel like withdrawing
in embarrassment from the over-exposed privacy of others. The shrew who
publicly berates her husband is no worse than the engaged pair who snuggle
in public. Every one supposes that lovers kiss each other, but people of
good taste wince at being forced to play audience at love scenes which
should be private. Furthermore, such cuddling gives little evidence of the
deeper caring--no matter how ardent the demonstration may be.
Great love is seldom flaunted in public, though it very often shows itself
in pride--that is a little obvious, perhaps. There is a quality of
protectiveness in a man's expression as it falls on his betrothed, as
though she were so lovely a breath might break her; and in the eyes of a
girl whose love is really deep, there is always evidence of that most
beautiful look of championship, as though she thought: "No one else can
possibly know how wonderful he is!"
This underlying tenderness and pride which is at the base of the attitude
of each, only glints beneath the surface of perfect comradeship. Their
frank approval of whatever the other may do or say is very charming; and
even more so is their obvious friendliness toward all people, of wanting
the whole world beautiful for all because it is so beautiful to them. That
is love--as it should be! And its evidence is a very sure sign-post
pointing to future happiness.
=ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGED PEOPLE=
It is unnecessary to say that an engaged man shows no attention whatever
to other women. It should be plain to every one, even though he need not
behave like a moon-calf, that "one" is alone in his thoughts.
Often it so happens that engaged people are very little together, because
he is away at work, or for other reasons. Rather than sit home alone, she
may continue to go out in society, which is quite all right, but she must
avoid being with any one man more than another and she should remain
visibly within the general circle of her group. It always gives gossip a
chance to see an engaged girl sitting out dances with any particular man,
and slander is never far away if any evidence of ardor creeps into their
regard, even if it be merely "manner," and actually mean nothing at all.
=IN THE BACKWATERS OF LONG ENGAGEMENT=
Unless the engaged couple are both so young, or by temperament so
irresponsible, that their parents think it best for them to wait until
time is given a chance to prove the stability of their affection, no one
can honestly advocate a long-delayed marriage.
Where there is no money, it is necessary to wait for better finances. But
the old argument that a long engagement was wise in that the young couple
were given opportunity to know each other better, has little sense to-day
when all young people know each other thoroughly well.
A long engagement is trying to everyone--the man, the girl, both
families, and all friends. It is an unnatural state, like that of waiting
at the station for a train, and in a measure it is time wasted. The minds
of the two most concerned are centered upon each other; to them life seems
to consist in saying the inevitable good-by.
Her family think her absent-minded, distrait, aloof and generally useless.
His family never see him. Their friends are bored to death with them--not
that they are really less devoted or loyal, but her men friends withdraw,
naturally refraining from "breaking in." He has no time between business
and going to see her to stop at his club or wherever friends of his may
be. Her girl friends do see her in the daytime, but gradually they meet
less and less because their interests and hers no longer focus in common.
Gradually the stream of the social world goes rushing on, leaving the two
who are absorbed in each other to drift forgotten in a backwater. He works
harder, perhaps, than ever, and she perhaps occupies herself in making
things for her trousseau or her house, or otherwise preparing for the more
contented days which seem so long in coming.
Once they are married, they no longer belong in a backwater, but find
themselves again sailing in midstream. It may be on a slow-moving current,
it may be on a swift,--but their barge sails in common with all other
craft on the river of life.
_Should a Long Engagement Be Announced?_
Whether to announce an engagement that must be of long duration is not a
matter of etiquette but of personal preference. On the general principle
that frankness is always better than secretiveness, the situation is
usually cleared by announcing it. On the other hand, as illustrated above,
the certain knowledge of two persons' absorption in each other always
creates a marooned situation. When it is only supposed, but not known,
that a man and girl particularly like each other, their segregation is not
nearly so marked.
=MEETING OF KINSMEN=
At some time before the wedding, it is customary for the two families to
meet each other. That is, the parents of the groom dine or lunch at the
house of the parents of the bride to meet the aunts, uncles and cousins.
And then the parents of the bride are asked with the same purpose to the
house of the groom-elect.
It is not necessary that any intimacy ensue, but it is considered fitting
and proper that all the members of the families which are to be allied
should be given an opportunity to know one another--at least by sight.
=THE ENGAGED COUPLE AND THE CHAPERON=
The question of a chaperon differs with locality. In Philadelphia and
Baltimore, custom permits any young girl to go alone with a young man
approved by her family to the theater, or to be seen home from a party. In
New York or Boston, Mrs. Grundy would hold up her hands and run to the
neighbors at once with the gossip.
It is perhaps sufficient to say that if a man is thought worthy to be
accepted by a father as his daughter's husband, he should also be
considered worthy of trust no matter where he finds himself alone with
her. It is not good form for an engaged couple to dine together in a
restaurant, but it is all right for them to lunch, or have afternoon tea;
and few people would criticize their being at the opera or the
theater--unless the performance at the latter was of questionable
propriety. They should take a chaperon if they motor to road-houses for
meals--and it goes without saying that they cannot go on a journey alone
that can possibly last over night.
=GIFTS WHICH MAY AND THOSE WHICH MAY NOT BE ACCEPTED=
The fiancée of a young man who is "saving in order to marry," would be
lacking in taste as well as good sense were she to encourage or allow him
extravagantly to send her flowers and other charming, but wasteful,
presents. But on the other hand, if the bridegroom-elect has plenty of
means, she may not only accept flowers but anything he chooses to select,
except wearing apparel or a motor car or a house and furniture--anything
that can be classified as "maintenance."
It is perfectly suitable for her to drive his car, or ride his horse, and
she may select furniture for their house, which he may buy or have built.
But, if she would keep her self-respect, the car must not become hers nor
must she live in the house or use its furniture until she is given his
name. He may give her all the jewels he can afford, he may give her a fur
scarf, but not a fur coat. The scarf is an ornament, the coat is wearing
apparel. If she is very poor, she may have to be married in cheese-cloth,
or even in the dress she wears usually, but her wedding dress and the
clothes she wears away, must not be supplied by the groom or his family.
There is one exception: if his mother, for instance, has some very
wonderful family lace, or has kept her own wedding dress and has no
daughter herself, and it would please her to have her son's wife wear her
lace or dress, it is proper for the bride to consent. But it would be
starting life on a false basis, and putting herself in a category with
women of another class, to be clothed by any man, whether he is soon to be
her husband or not.
If the engagement should be so unfortunate as to be broken off, the
engagement ring and all other gifts of value must be returned.