VAN. (_taking her up_) What I should like to have? Oh, anything--I'm
not particular; a steak or a chop.
REBECCA. No, sir, I mean who you are.
VAN. Who I am? True, you don't know me. My name is--(_recollecting
himself_) No matter for my name--I rather fancy your mistress will
know me when she sees me. I only hope it won't be too much for her.
REBECCA. (_aside_) Oh, he must be some relation. Master said if any
one called, they were to wait.
VAN. Come, look alive--be quick.
REBECCA. (_aside_) He's an extraordinary looking fellow! What a beard
he has got! I hardly know what to do, as they are neither of them at
home; but I suppose there will be no harm in giving him some
breakfast.
VAN. Come, I say young woman, are you going to move? You are not aware
that I haven't tasted anything to-day.
REBECCA. It will be ready directly, sir.
_Exit, C. to L._
VAN. That girl wouldn't make a bad model; but she don't seem very
bright. Egad! I have been so long away in the Crimea, that I feel half
inclined to make love to every pretty woman I meet. That was an
uncommonly fine creature that got into the train at Bishopstoke;
rather stiff though, at first, but before we came to the journey's end
I had quite broken the ice with her. By the way, I am afraid I ran
away from her rather abruptly this morning--quite forgot to look after
her luggage and all that sort of thing. No great wonder either--once
arrived in London, how could I think of any one but my dear little
wife? How I long to see her. (_going to sit down, sees the morning
gown_) What's this? a morning gown. (_examining it_) To be sure--I
recollect it. I declare, it gave me, quite a turn! The one I had made
just before I went away! Affectionate little soul! hanging over the
chair back to keep her company. I dare say she's in the habit of
kissing and talking to it every day of her life. I feel rather
tired--I'll put it on. (_takes off his coat and puts on the dressing
gown_) Home, sweet home! they may well say "there's no place like
home." (_wrapping the gown round him_) Ullo! why, it fits me like a
sack. How I must have fallen away in the Crimea.
_Enter MRS. BOBBINS, C. from L._
MRS. BOBBINS. (_speaking as she comes in, without seeing BROWN down
L._) I think, my dear, I have found--(_they stare at each other_)
VAN. (_aside_) Good gracious--I can't be mistaken! My travelling
companion.
MRS. BOBBINS. (_aside_) The foreign looking gentleman I met in the
train--in my husband's dressing gown! Why, he must have followed me
home.
VAN. (_aside_) An agreeable predicament this for a married man--very!
My wife may return every minute. (_aloud, rising, and confused_)
Madam, you'll excuse my being rather laconic, I have no time just now
for ceremony--to what am I indebted for the honour of this visit?
MRS. BOBBINS. I feel quite stupified! what effrontery!
VAN. I have no wish to affront you, ma'am, but as I said before, I
have no time for ceremony.
MRS. BOBBINS. Sir, this is monstrous! I took you, by your deportment
on the railway, for a gentleman, but I see I was deceived. Your
conduct is inconsistent and extreme.
VAN. I know what you allude to, ma'am, and I admit I did run away
somewhat abruptly; but if you knew my reasons--
MRS. BOBBINS. I wish to hear nothing further, sir. (_crosses to R._)
Pray let there be an end of this. (_takes off her bonnet and shawl_)
VAN. (_aside_) Why, she's absolutely taking off her things! Does she
think she is going to establish herself in the house, under my wife's
nose? I must get rid of her somehow or other. (_aloud, and getting
impatient_) Madam, as I have already said twice before, I have no time
for standing on ceremony--you will therefore excuse my coming to the
point at once--anywhere else--_any_where else I shall be happy to hear
what you have to say--any place you like to appoint--St. James's Park,
Kensington Gardens--
MRS. BOBBINS. Sir, I am of a highly excitable, nervous temperament,
and if you don't take care, you'll throw me into hysterics.
VAN. (_aside_) Confound it--she's no better than she should be. Oh, I
must turn her out. (_aloud_) I tell you what it is, my dear, this
won't do. I am a married man.
MRS. BOBBINS. Well, sir, what if you are--that makes your persecution
of me the more atrocious!
VAN. Zounds! madam, it is you who persecute me! Haven't you followed
me like a greyhound follows a hare--tracked me to my very door? Now
for goodness sake don't force me to say anything offensive, but will
you go, I say--will you make yourself scarce?