THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE SEXUAL INSTINCT.

It is a very remarkable fact that, although for many years past serious

attempts have been made to elucidate the psychology of sexual perversions,

little or no endeavor has been made to study the development of the normal

sexual emotions. Nearly every writer seems either to take for granted that

he and his readers are so familiar with all the facts of normal sex

psychology that any detailed statement is altogether uncalled for, or else

he is content to write a few fragmentary remarks, mostly made up of

miscellaneous extracts from anatomical, philosophical, and historical

works.

Yet it is as unreasonable to take normal phenomena for granted here as in

any other region of science. A knowledge of such phenomena is as necessary

here as physiology is to pathology or anatomy to surgery. So far from the

facts of normal sex development, sex emotions, and sex needs being uniform

and constant, as is assumed by those who consider their discussion

unnecessary, the range of variation within fairly normal limits is

immense, and it is impossible to meet with two individuals whose records

are nearly identical.

There are two fundamental reasons why the endeavor should be made to

obtain a broad basis of clear information on the subject. In the first

place, the normal phenomena give the key to the abnormal phenomena, and

the majority of sexual perversions, including even those that are most

repulsive, are but exaggerations of instincts and emotions that are

germinal in normal human beings. In the second place, we cannot even know

what is normal until we are acquainted with the sexual life of a large

number of healthy individuals. And until we know the limits of normal

sexuality we are not in position to lay down any reasonable rules of

sexual hygiene.

On these grounds I have for some time sought to obtain the sexual

histories, and more especially the early histories, of men and women who,

on _prima facie_ grounds, may fairly be considered, or are at all events

by themselves and others considered, ordinarily healthy and normal.

There are many difficulties about such a task, difficulties which are

sufficiently obvious. There is, first of all, the natural reticence to

reveal facts of so intimately personal a character. There is the

prevailing ignorance and unintelligence which leads to the phenomena being

obscure to the subject himself. When the first difficulty has been

overcome, and the second is non-existent, there is still a lack of

sufficiently strong motive to undertake the record, as well as a failure

to realize the value of such records. I have, however, received a large

number of such histories, for the most part offered spontaneously with

permission to make such further inquiries as I thought desirable. Some of

these histories are extremely interesting and instructive. In the present

Appendix, and in a corresponding Appendix to the two following volumes of

these _Studies_, I bring forward a varied selection of these narratives.

In a few cases, it will be seen, the subjects are, to say the least, on

the borderland of the abnormal, but they do not come before us as patients

desiring treatment. They are playing their, usually active, sometimes even

distinguished, part in the world, which knows nothing of their intimate

histories.

HISTORY I.--E.T. (I reproduce this history, written in the third

person, as it reached my hands.) T.'s earliest recollections of

ideas of a sexual character are vaguely associated with thoughts

upon whipping inflicted on companions by their parents, and

sometimes upon his own person. About the age of 7 T. occasionally

depicted to himself the appearance of the bare nates and

genitalia of boys during flagellation. Reflection upon whipping

gave rise to slight curious sensations at the base of the abdomen

and in the nerves of the sexual system. The sight of a boy being

whipped upon the bare nates caused erection before the age of 9.

He cannot account for these excitations, as at the time he had

not learned the most rudimentary facts of sex. The spectacle of

the boy's nudity had no attraction for him, while the beating

aroused his indignation against the person who administered it.

T. knew a boy and girl of about his own age whose imaginations

dwelt somewhat morbidly upon whipping. The three used to talk

together about such chastisement, and the little girl liked to

read "stories that had whippings in them." None of these children

delighted in cruelty; the fascination in the theme of castigation

seemed to be in imagining the spectacle of the exposed nates,

though actual witnessing of the whipping made them angry at the

time.

Accustomed to watch a young sister being bathed, T. had no

distinct curiosity concerning the differences in sex until the

age of 9. About this time he asked his father where babies came

from, and was told to be quiet. When he persisted in the inquiry

his father threatened to box his ears. His mother told him

subsequently that doctors brought babies to mothers. He credited

the story so far as to carefully watch the doctor who came when

his mother "was going to have a new baby," in the hope of seeing

a bundle in his arm. T. was 9 when he interrogated a servant-girl

of 16 about babies and their origin. She laughed and said that

one day she would tell him how children came. One Sunday this

servant took T. for a country walk and initiated him in sexual

intercourse, telling him he was too young to be a father, but

that was the way babies were made. The girl took him into a

field, saying she would show him how to do something which would

make him "feel as though he was in heaven," informing him that

she had often done this with young men. She then succeeded in

causing erection and instructed him how to act. His feeling at

the time was one of disgust; the appearance and odor of the

female genitalia repelled him. Afterward, however, he wished to

repeat the experience with girls of his own age. Finding the boy

unresponsive, the girl took the masculine position and embraced

him with great passion. T. can recall the expression of the

girl's face, the perspiration on her forehead, and the whispered

query whether it pleased him. The embrace lasted for about ten

minutes, when the girl said it had "done her good." Later the

same day they met a girl cousin of this servant about 10 or 12

years old. The three went to a lonely part of the seashore. The

servant there suggested that T. should repeat the act with the

little girl. T. was too shy, though the girl seemed quite willing

and experienced. The older girl told the younger to keep watch a

few yards away, while she again brought about intercourse in the

same way. The servant told T. not to tell anyone. Intercourse

with the servant was never repeated after that day; from shame he

kept the promise for many years.

After this episode T. began to speculate about sexual matters and

to observe the coupling of dogs with newly acquired interest. At

10 years he often lay awake, listening to a woman of 25 singing

to a piano accompaniment. The woman's voice seemed very

beautiful, and so strongly impressed him that he fell in love

with her and longed to embrace her sexually. This secret

attachment was much more romantic than sensual, though the idea

of embracing the woman seemed to T. a natural part of the

romance. He was beginning to invest the sex with angelic

qualities. The thought of his adventure with the servant no

longer caused repulsion, but rather pleasure. He reflected that

if he could meet the girl now he could be very fond of her and

understand things better. At this time he had not masturbated,

nor even heard of the practice. One day, while playing with a

girl of his own age, he succeeded in overcoming her shyness and

induced her to expose herself, at the same time uncovering his

own sexual parts. On this occasion and once afterward he

succeeded in penetrating the vulva. Both he and the girl

experienced imperfect enjoyment.

At boarding-school, where he was sent at 10, T. learned the

vulgar phrases for sexual organs and sexual acts, and acquired

the habit of moderate masturbation. Coarse talk and indecent

jests about the opposite sex were common amusements of the

playroom and dormitories. At first the obscene conversation was

very distasteful; later he became more used to it, but thought it

strange that sex intimacy should be a subject for ridicule and

jest.

He began to read love-stories and think much about girls. At the

same time he learned the nature of "the sin of fornication," and

wondered why it should be considered so heinous. Parts of the

Bible condemning intercourse between the unmarried alarmed him.

Being of a serious as well as emotional and amorous nature, he

became converted to evangelic belief. His mother warned him to

beware of unclean companions at school. He tried to act as a

Christian and think only pure thoughts about women. The talk,

however, was always of girls and of being in love. His mind was

often engrossed with amatory ideas of a poetic, sensuous nature,

his sexual experiences having a firm hold on his imagination,

while they gave him gratifying assurance of actual knowledge

concerning things merely imagined by most of his companions.

His health was vigorous and he keenly enjoyed all outdoor games

and excelled in daring and schoolboy mischief.

At 12 he fell deeply in love with a girl of corresponding age. He

never felt any powerful sexual desire for his sweetheart, and

never attempted anything but kissing and decorous caresses. He

liked to walk and sit with the girl, to hold her hand, and stroke

her soft hair. He felt real grief when separated from her. His

thoughts of her were seldom sensual. A year or so afterward he

had a temporary passion for a woman of 30, who used to flirt with

him and allow kissing. T. thought her queen-like and very lovely,

and wished to be her knight.

One day he saw, for a moment, in a friend's house, a dark,

earnest-looking girl of 13, who made a very deep impression upon

him, and, though he did not exchange a word with her, he often

thought about her afterward. Five years later he met the dark

girl again, and the pair were mutually drawn to one another. He

proposed marriage and avowed a most desperate passion. A refusal

on the plea of youth caused him the deepest misery. About eight

years thereafter T. married the girl, and the marriage proved a

very happy one for both.

When he was 15 T. made the acquaintance of a pretty blonde of the

same age. She was a high-spirited hoiden. They were soon close

friends and later lovers. They wrote a number of letters to each

other and exchanged locks of hair and presents. Their talk about

love was unreserved. One day she told T. that she had been

sexually embraced by a former lover, a boy of 16, hinting very

plainly that she would like T. to embrace her. This amour lasted

for about six months. The lovers had many opportunities for

clandestine intercourse. They used to consummate their passion in

a part of a wood they called "the bower." Now and then one or the

other would experience a pricking of conscience, but they were

too passionately attached to each other to sever the intimacy. At

length the girl began to dread the risk of conception and the

intercourse ceased. Looking back upon this episode T. avers that

the attachment and its physical expression seemed quite natural,

poetic, and beautiful, though at times his religious principles

condemned his conduct. He now thinks that the experience is by no

means to be regretted either by the girl or himself. It was a

wholesome youthful passion, as innocent as the mating of birds,

and the insight which it gave to both of the hidden emotions of

human nature was morally advantageous in after-life.

T. believes that his amative precocity was due to the early

awakening of sex feeling by the servant-girl. But he also

believes that the love passion would have asserted itself early

in any case, since he inherits a warm temperament, had erectile

power long before puberty, and has considerable seminal capacity.

Having closely watched the effects of suppressed normal emotions

and desires in youth at the time of pubescence, he maintains that

such suppression is disastrous, causing unhealthy thoughts and

leading to the formation of a habit of masturbation which may

persist throughout life. He believes that temporary sexual

intimacies between boys and girls under 20 from the period of

puberty would be far less harmful than separation of the sexes

until marriage, with its resultants: masturbation, hysteria,

repressed and disordered functions in young women, seduction,

prostitution, venereal affections, and many other evils.

HISTORY II.--The following narrative was written by a married

lady: "My mother (herself a very passionate and attractive woman)

recognized the difficulty for English girls of getting

satisfactorily married, and determined, if possible, to shield us

from disappointment by turning our thoughts in a different

direction. Theoretically the idea was perhaps good, but in

practice it proved useless. The natural desires were there.

Disappointment and disillusion followed their repression none the

less surely for having altered their natural shape. I think the

love I had for my mother was almost sexual, as to be with her was

a keen pleasure, and to be long away from her an almost

unendurable pain. She used to talk to us a good deal on all sorts

of subjects, but she never troubled about education in the

ordinary sense. When 9 years old I had been taught nothing except

to read and write. She never forbade us to read anything, but if

by accident we got hold of a book of which she did not approve

she used to say: 'I think that is rather a silly story, don't

you?' We were so eager to come up to her standard of taste that

we at once imagined we thought it silly, too. In the same way she

discouraged ideas about love or marriage, not by suggesting there

was anything wrong or improper about them, but by implying great

contempt for girls who thought about lovers, etc. Up to the age

of about 20 I had a vague general impression that love was very

well for ordinary women, but far beneath the dignity of a

somewhat superior person like myself. To show how little it

entered my thoughts I may add that, up to 17, I fancied a woman

got a child by being kissed on the lips by a man. Hence all the

fuss in novels about the kiss on the mouth.

"When I was 9 years old I began to feel a great craving for

scientific knowledge. _A Child's Guide to Science_, which I

discovered at a second-hand book-stall (and which, by the way,

informed me that heat is due to a substance called caloric),

became a constant companion. In order to learn about light and

gravitation, I saved up my money and ordered (of all books)

Newton's _Principia_, shedding bitter tears when I found I could

not understand a word of it. At the same time I was horribly

ashamed of this desire for knowledge. I got such books as I could

surreptitiously and hid them in odd corners. Why, I cannot

imagine, as no one would have objected, but, on the contrary, I

should have been helped to suitable books.

"My sisters and I were all violently argumentative, but our

quarrels were all on abstract subjects. We saw little of other

children and made no friendships, preferring each other's society

to that of outsiders. When I was about 10 a girl of the same age

came to stay with us for a few days. When we went to bed the

first night she asked me if I ever played with myself, whereupon

I took a great dislike to her. No sexual ideas or feelings were

excited. When still quite a child, however, I had feelings of

excitement which I now recognize as sexual. Such feelings always

came to me in bed (at least I cannot remember them at any other

time) and were generally accompanied by a gradually increasing

desire to make water. For a long time I would not dare to get out

of bed for fear of being scolded for staying awake, and only did

so at last when actually compelled. In the mean time the sexual

excitement increased also, and I believe I thought the latter was

the result of the former, or, perhaps, rather, that both were the

same thing. (This was when I was about 7 or 8 years old.) So far

as I can recollect, the excitement did not recur when the desire

to make water had been gratified. I seemed to remember wondering

why thinking of certain things (I can't remember what these were)

should make one want to urinate. (In later life I have found

that, if the bladder is not emptied before coitus, pleasure is

often more intense.) There were also feelings, which I now

recognize as sexual, in connection with ideas of whipping.

"As a child and girl I had very strong religious feelings (I

should have now if I could believe in the reality of religion),

which were absent in my sisters. These feelings were much the

same as I experienced later sexually; I felt toward God what I

imagined I should like to feel to my husband if I married. This,

I fancy, is what usually occurs. At 14 I went to a

boarding-school where there were seventy girls between 7 and 19.

I think it goes to show that there is but very little sexual

precocity among English girls that during the three years I

stayed there I never heard a word the strictest mother would have

objected to. One or two of the older girls were occasionally a

little sentimental, but on no occasion did I hear the physical

side of things touched upon. I think this is partly due to the

amount of exercise we took. When picturing my childhood I always

see myself racing about, jumping walls, climbing trees. In France

and Italy I have been struck by the greater sedateness of

Continental children. Our idea of naughtiness consisted chiefly

in having suppers in our bedrooms and sliding down the banisters

after being sent to bed. The first gratified our natural

appetite, while the second supplied the necessary thrill in the

fear of being caught.

"I made no violent friendships with the other girls, but I became

much attached to the French governess. She was 30, and a born

teacher, very strict with all of us, and doubly so with me for

fear of showing favoritism. But she was never unjust, and I was

rather proud of her severity and took a certain pleasure in being

punished by her, the punishment always taking the form of

learning by heart, which I rather liked doing. So I had my

thrill, excitement, I don't quite know what to call it, without

any very great inconvenience to myself. Just before we left

school the sexual instinct began to show itself in enthusiasm for

art with a capital A, Ouida's novels being mainly responsible. My

sister and I agreed that we would spend our lives traveling about

France, Italy, and the Continent, generally _à la Tricotrin_,

with a violin in one pocket and an Atravante Dante in the other.

To do this satisfactorily to ourselves we must be artists, and I

resolved to go in for music and become a second Liszt. When my

father offered to take us to Italy, the artist's Mecca, for a

couple of years, we were wild with delight. We went, and

disillusionment began. It may perhaps seem absurd, but we

suffered acutely that first summer. Our villa was quite on the

beach, the lowest of its flight of steps being washed by the

Mediterranean. At the back were grounds which seemed a paradise.

Long alleys covered over with vines and carpeted with long grass

and poppies, grassy slopes dotted with olives and ilex, roses

everywhere, and almost every flower in profusion, with, at night,

the fireflies and the heavy scents of syringa and orange

blossoms. In the midst of every possible excitement to the senses

there was one thing wanting, and we did not know what that was.

"We attributed our restlessness and dissatisfaction to the slow

progress in our artistic education, and consoled ourselves by

thinking when once we had mastered the technical difficulties we

should feel all right. And of course we did derive a very real

pleasure from all the beauties of art and nature with which Italy

abounds.

"It seems to me, however, that the art craze is one of the modern

phases of woman's sexual life. When we were in Italy the great

centers of the country were simply overrun with girls studying

art, most of whom had very little talent, but who had mistaken

the restlessness due to the first awakening of the sexual

instinct for the divine flame of genius. In our case it did not

matter, as we were not dependent upon our own exertions. But it

must have been terribly hard for girls who had burned their boats

and chosen art as a career, to have added to the repression of

their natural desires the bitterness of knowing that in their

chosen walk of life they were failures. The results as far as

work goes might not be so bad if the passions, as in men, were

occasionally gratified. It is the constant drudgery combined with

the disappointment and finding that art alone does not satisfy

which is so paralyzing. Besides, sexual gratification is always

followed by exaltation of the mental faculties, with, in my

experience, no depressing reaction such as follows pleasure

excited by mental causes alone.

"At one time when living at the villa I met a man about 45, who

took rather a fancy to me. I mention this because it woke me up;

no emotion was excited, but I realized for the first time (I must

have been nearly 20) that I was no longer a child, and that a

man could think of me in connection with love. It was only after

this, and not immediately after, either, that men's society began

to have an interest for me, and that I began to think a man's

love would be a pleasant thing to possess, after all.

"The sexual instinct, at any rate as regards consciousness, thus

developed slowly and in what I believe to be a very usual

sequence: religion, admiration for an older woman, and art. I am

not sure that I have made quite enough of the first, yet I do not

know that there is any more to say. There were very strong

physical feelings connected with all these which were identical

with those now connected with passion, but they were completely

satisfied by the mental idea which excited them.

"The first time I can remember feeling keen physical pleasure was

when I was between 7 and 8 years old. I can't recollect the

cause, but I remember lying quite still in my little cot clasping

the iron rails at the top. It may be said that this is hardly

slow development, but I mean slow as regards (1) any connection

of the idea with a man or (2) any physical means of excitation.

"I have laid stress on my desire for knowledge, as I think my

sexual feelings were affected by it. A great part of my feeling

for my mother was due to the stores of information she appeared

to possess. The omniscience of God was to me his most striking

attribute. My French teacher's capacity was her chief attraction.

When, as a girl, I thought of marriage, I desired a man who

'could explain things to me.' One learns later to live one's

mental and sexual life separately to a great extent. But at 20 I

could not have done so; given the opportunity, I should have made

the mistake of Dorothea in _Middlemarch_.

"I have spoken of the depressing after-effects of pleasure

brought about by a purely mental cause, but I do not think this

is the case in childhood and early youth. (Perhaps some women

feel no such depression afterward, and this may account for their

coldness in regard to men.) This may perhaps be accounted for by

the fact that it occurs much more rarely, and also it is perhaps

a natural process before the sexual organs fully develop, and so

not harmful.

"I always find it difficult in expressing the different degrees

of physical excitement even to myself, though I know exactly what

I felt. As a child, from the time of the early experience already

mentioned (about the age of 7 or 8), and as a young girl, the

second stage (secretion of mucus) was always reached. The amount

of secretion has always been excessive, but at first secretion

only lasted a short time; later it began to last for several

hours, or even sometimes the whole night, if the natural

gratification has been withheld for a long time (say, three

months). I do not remember ever feeling the third stage (complete

orgasm) until I saw the first man I fancied I cared for. I do not

think that mental causes alone have ever produced more than the

first two stages (general diffuse excitement and secretion). I

have sometimes wondered whether I could produce the third

mechanically, but I have a curious unreasonable repugnance to

trying the experiment; it would seem to materialize it too much.

As a child and a girl I was contented to arrive at the second

stage, possibly because I did not realize that there was any

other, and perhaps this is why I have experienced no evil

results.

"In dreams the third stage seems to come suddenly without any

leading up to it, either mental or physical, of which I am

conscious. I do not, however, remember having any such dreams

before I was engaged. They came at a later period; even then,

when great pleasure was experienced, it came, as a rule, suddenly

and sharply, with no dreams leading up to it. The dreams

generally take a sad form (an Evangeline and Gabriel business),

where one vainly seeks the person who eludes one. I have,

however, sometimes had pleasurable dreams of men who were quite

indifferent to me and of whom I never thought when awake. The

impression on waking is so strong one could almost fancy one's

self really in love with them. I can quite understand falling in

love with a person by dreaming of him in this way.

"The first time I remember experiencing the third stage in waking

moments was at a picnic, when the man, to whom I have before

referred as the first that I fancied I cared for, leaned against

me accidentally in passing a plate or dish; but I was already in

a violent state of excitement at being with him. There was no

possibility of anything between us, as he was married. If he

guessed my feelings, they were never admitted, as I did my best

to hide them. I never experienced this, except at the touch of

some one I loved. (I think the saying about the woman 'desiring

the desire of the man' is just about as true as most epigrams. It

is the man's personality alone which affects me. His feelings

toward me are of--I was going to say--indifference, but at any

rate quite secondary importance, and the gratification of my own

vanity counts as nothing in such relations.)

"As a rule, to reach even the second stage the exciting ideas

must be associated with some particular person, except in the

case of a story, where one identifies one's self with one of the

characters. In childhood and early youth it was, in the case of

religion, the idea of God and the presence and the personality of

God which aroused my feelings and always seemed very vivid to me.

In the case of my governess, my feelings were aroused in exactly

the same way as later they would be by one's lover. In the art

craze I am rather vague as to how it came about, but I think, as

a rule, there was rather a craving for pleasure than pleasure

itself. I do not remember ever thinking much about the physical

feeling. It seemed as natural that a pleasant emotion should

produce pleasant physical effects as that a painful one should

cause tears. As a child, one takes so much for granted, and later

on my mind was so much occupied with worrying about the truth of

religion that I hardly thought enough about anything else to

analyze it carefully.

"I may summarize my own feelings thus: First, exciting ideas

alone produce, as a rule, merely the first stage of sexual

excitement. Second, the same ideas connected with a particular

person will produce the second stage. Third, the same may be said

of the presence of the beloved person. Fourth, actual contact

appears necessary for the third stage. If the first stage only be

reached, the sensation is not pleasurable in reality, or would

not be but for its association. If produced, as I have sometimes

found it to be, by a sense of mental incapacity, it is distinctly

disagreeable, especially if one feels that the energy which might

have been used in coping with the difficulty is being thus

dissipated. If it be produced, as it may be, as the result of

physical or mental restraint, it is also unpleasant unless the

restraint were put upon one by a person one loves. Then, however,

the second stage would probably be reached, but this would depend

a good deal on one's mood. If the first stage only were reached,

I think it would be disagreeable; it would mean a conflict

between one's will and sexual feeling. Perhaps women who feel

actual repugnance to the sexual act with a man they love have

never gone beyond the first stage, when their dislike to it would

be quite intelligible to me.

"Some time after the life in Italy had come to an end I became

engaged. There was considerable difficulty in the way of

marriage, but we saw a good deal of each other. My _fiancé_ often

dined with us, and we met every day. The result of seeing him so

frequently was that I was kept in a constant state of strong, but

suppressed, sexual excitement. This was particularly the case

when we met in the evening and wandered about the moonlit garden

together. When this had gone on about three months I began to

experience a sense of discomfort after each of his visits. The

abdomen seemed to swell with a feeling of fullness and

congestion; but, though these sensations were closely connected

with the physical excitement, they were not sufficiently painful

to cause me any alarm or make me endeavor to avoid their

pleasurable cause. The symptoms got worse, however, and no longer

passed off quickly as at first. The swelling increased;

considerable pain and a dragged-down sensation resulted the

moment I tried to walk even a short distance. I was troubled

with constant indigestion, weight in the chest, pain in the head

and eyes, and continual slight diarrhea. This went on for about

nine months, and then my _fiancé_ was called away from the

neighborhood. After his departure I got a trifle better, but the

symptoms remained, though in less acute form. A few months later

the engagement was broken off, and for some weeks I was severely

ill with influenza and was on my back for several weeks. When I

could get about a little, though very weak, all the swelling was

gone, but pain returned whenever I tried to walk or stand for

long. The indigestion and diarrhea were also very troublesome. I

was treated for both by a physician, but without success. Next

year I became engaged to my husband and was shortly after

married. The indigestion and diarrhea disappeared soon after. The

pain and dragging feeling in the abdomen bothered me much in

walking or any kind of exercise. One day I came across a medical

work, _The Elements of Social Science_, in which I found

descriptions of symptoms like those I suffered from ascribed to

uterine disease. I again applied to a doctor, telling him I

thought there was displacement and possibly congestion. He

confirmed my opinion and told me to wear a pessary. He ascribed

the displacement to the relaxing climate, and said he did not

think I should ever get quite right again. After the pessary had

been placed in position every trace of pain, etc., left me. A

year later I thought I would try and do without the pessary, and

to my great satisfaction none of the old trials came back after

its removal, in spite of much trouble, anxiety, sick nursing, and

fatigue. I attribute the disorder entirely to violent sexual

excitement which was not permitted its natural gratification and

relief.

"I have reason to believe that suppression acts very injuriously

on a woman's mental capacity. When excitement is naturally

relieved the mind turns of its own accord to another subject, but

when suppressed it is unable to do this. Personally, in the

latter event, I find the greatest difficulty in concentrating my

thoughts, and mental effort becomes painful. Other women have

complained to me of the same difficulty. I have tried mechanical

mental work, such as solving arithmetical or algebraic problems,

but it does no good; in fact, it seems only to increase the

excitement. (I may remark here that my feelings are always very

strong not only before and after the monthly period, but also

during the time itself; very unfortunately, as, of course, they

cannot then be gratified. This only applies to desire from

within, as I am strongly susceptible to influences from without

at any time.) There seems nothing to be done but to bow to the

storm till it passes over. Anything I do during the time it

lasts, even household work, is badly done. The brain seems to

become addled for the time being, while after gratification of

desire it seems to attain an additional quickness and cleverness.

Perhaps this cause contributes to the small amount of

intellectual and artistic work done by women, admitting their

natural inferiority to men in artistic impulse. A woman whose

passions are satisfied generally has her strength sapped by

maternity, while her attention is drawn from abstract ideas to

her children."

HISTORY III.--B. states that his first sexual thoughts and acts

were curiously connected with whipping. At 12 he and another boy

used to beat each other with a cricket bat upon the bare nates,

and afterward indulge in mutual masturbation. He cannot remember

the beginning of his sexual speculation as a child, nor how he

learned masturbation. When he was 13 he used to discuss erotic

matters with a schoolfellow who was in the habit of engaging in

vulvar intercourse with a girl of his own age. The intercourse

was practised on the way home from school, and in a standing

posture. B. embraced the girl in the same way. He is not

interested in the psychological aspects of the sexual emotion.

Although his sex passion was early kindled, he never had commerce

with prostitutes. He thinks that his youthful experiences had no

ill effect upon him morally, mentally, or physically. He

practised masturbation in moderation till he married, at the age

of 31.

HISTORY IV.--"I can remember" (writes the subject) "trotting away

as a youngster about 5 with another boy to 'see a girl's legs';

the idea emanated from the other boy, but I was vaguely

interested. How or where we were going to see the object in

question I do not remember nor anything further than the

intention. When 6 or 7 I remember being put to bed with the nurse

girl and feeling her bare arm with undoubted sexual excitement; I

remember, too, gradually feeling along the arm very cautiously,

fearing the girl would wake and being bitterly disappointed to

find it was merely the arm. I am almost certain I had then no

idea of sex, but the disappointment was actual.

"These are the only early experiences of the sort I can remember.

When about 9 I had others. On the coast of the north of England,

which had then very few visitors and seemed to me very remote, I

lived in a farm-house and used to assist the girls of the farm in

looking after young cattle. These girls certainly instilled

sexual ideas, though I did not realize them with precision. They

used to talk about things a good many of which, I can now see, I

did not then understand as they did. I liked to see these girls

wading with their dresses tucked up. About this time I fell

passionately in love with a girl cousin, but do not remember

having any sensual ideas in regard to her. I cannot say that

these early experiences had any influence on my later sexual

development so far as I am consciously aware. I have always

remembered them vaguely, never with sexual excitement.

"Sexual dreams took place first at about the age of 13; there was

then emission and sensation in sleep. These were, however, not

much associated with distinctly sexual dreams. All that I recall

after them was the sensation, which, however, I did not even then

absolutely localize. Masturbation was undoubtedly the direct

result of these dreams. It was tried at first tentatively, out of

curiosity to determine if the sensation of the dream could be so

reproduced. Sexual dreams, such as I have described, occurred

frequently, although I cannot say at what interval. I have never

experienced the slightest attraction for the same sex."

HISTORY V.--"My maternal grandfather" (writes the subject of this

history) "was a small farmer who kept a few beagles and

greyhounds for hare-hunting. He had three daughters, one of whom

became my mother. One of his sporting companions, a doctor of

profligate habits and a drunkard, seduced my mother at the age of

20. When her condition was discovered she had to flee from the

violence of her father, and I was born some distance from her

home. After my grandfather's death I was reared by my

grandmother, and saw nothing of my mother until I was nearly 16;

she had left the country in shame and disgrace.

"I believe that in my heredity the transmission comes chiefly

from my mother, who is now 58 years old. Although her life has

been blameless in every particular since her youthful

indiscretion, she has never got over it. I feel in my character a

reflection of her overstrung condition during pregnancy.

"I can distinctly remember from the age of 9 years, and am sure

that I had no sexual feelings before the age of 13, though always

in the company of girls. I had many boyish passions for girls,

always older than myself, but these were never accompanied by

sexual desires. I deified all my sweethearts, and was satisfied

if I got a flower, a handkerchief, or even a shred of clothing of

my inamorata for the time being. These things gave me a strange

idealistic emotion, but caused no sexual desire or erection.

"At 13 a 26-year-old sister of a boy companion once sat down on a

sheaf of corn so as to expose the mons veneris and enticed me to

copulate. There was slight erection, and after the act had been

continued some time a pleasurable sensation of ejaculation, but

without true emission. I had frequent relations with this woman

after that.

"About this time the farm servant of a neighbor taught me

masturbation. The mistress of the farm, a thin, willowy, dark

woman, the mother of several children, treated me with such

familiarity as once to urinate in my presence, so that I saw her

very hirsute mons veneris. From that moment I conceived a great

passion for her, and used to tremble as soon as I saw her. I had

become well developed and virile, but, though I think she was a

lustful woman, I never ventured to touch her. I found an extreme

ecstasy in masturbating while gazing upon some article of her

clothing. This gave me much greater sexual pleasure than actual

connection with the ever-willing sister of my schoolfellow. I

think I loved the married woman best because the mons veneris was

more covered with hair.

"This has always had a peculiar attraction for me. Later, when

accosted by prostitutes, I never would go with them unless I was

assured the mons veneris was very hirsute. Never much addicted to

masturbation, I derived no great enjoyment therefrom unless I had

hair or part of the clothing of the woman with whom I was

indulging in psychic coitus.

"At 16 I left school and went to a large city to learn a

business. At this time the sexual appetite was very strong. I

frequently had intercourse with three women in one evening.

"I have had but few lascivious dreams. In these the phantom

partner was almost invariably a dead woman. (When about 8 I had

seen the dead body of an aunt who died at 24.)

"When 20 I went to London and took all the pleasure which came my

way. I cared only for normal coitus. Offers of another type

created disgust. I once allowed a woman to exhaust me sexually

orally, but felt degraded thereby. Women with whom I had become

very intimate often urged me to _cunnilingus_, but I could not do

it. I have practised intermammary coitus a very few times.

"At 26 I married a pure, gentle woman, after having for ten

months before marriage led a life of celibacy. My wife died when

I was 30, and for about eight months I lived a celibate life.

Lascivious dreams sometimes occurred, but I invariably awoke

before ejaculation. Eventually I gave way to the cravings of my

strong sexual nature, but never wished for anything out of the

usual except intercourse from behind. A woman with marked

development of the nates has great attraction for me. Solitary

masturbation has for some time ceased, but a nude woman in the

act of masturbation with her back to me gives me great pleasure.

I am as strong sexually at 38 as I was at 20, only I never want

women unless I am brought into actual contact with them and they

are hairy and have large pelvic development. I am in excellent

health. Genitals are well developed, and I am clothed with hair

from the chin to the genitals. My skull is dolichocephalic. I am

violent and tenacious in temper, high-strung, and rapid in

thought and action. My digestion is good, but I have a tendency

to constipation. Occasionally I have a twinge of pain below the

occipital region.

"My early views of women have changed; I no longer deify them,

though I study them. I have known very sensual women living at

home in respectable middle-class society. One, in particular, a

girl of 18, after coitus used to excite me lingually. I have had

a sweetheart who remained _virgo intacta_. Had I seduced her, as

I could have done, I should have lost all interest in her. I

could never bear the presence of naked men, and would never go to

a public swimming bath for that reason. I regard myself as a man

of abnormally strong, but, on the whole, healthy and wholesome,

sexual feelings. As a rule, I have coitus twice or oftener in one

week and I practise withdrawal. I am a total abstainer, and never

could embrace a woman who smelled of drink."

HISTORY VI.--The writer of the following is a man of letters,

married. "Quite early I remember a strange and romantic interest

in the feminine. Certainly before I was 9 I had a strong

affection for a little girl playmate; our family lost sight of

hers, and I saw and heard nothing of her for sixteen years; then,

hearing she was coming to town, I experienced quite a flutter of

heart, so strong had been the impression caused at even the early

age of our acquaintance. Not that I mean to say I never wavered

in between! Through the whole of my boyhood I remember persistent

romantic interests in girls and women, whose smooth, fair faces

and sweet voices exercised ever a subtle attraction over me.

Before I was 12 I had picked out my 'future wife' a dozen times

at least! (A different one each time of course!) Curiosity as to

the physical detail of sex and birth was singularly absent.

Possibly this was partly due to the fact that the only younger

member of our family was born when I was but 4 years old. Grave,

shy, and reserved, I was never taken into the counsels of

prurient schoolmates. I was unaware that there was such

discussion between them--though it is, I suppose, not probable

that our school was exempt. I was a great reader, and when about

12 or 13 I came across a reference to an illegitimate child which

puzzled me. Ere long, however, in my random and extensive reading

I hit on a book that touched on phallicism, and I learned that

there were male and female organs of generation. I had neither

shame nor curiosity; I jumped to the conclusion that during close

caresses somehow a subtle aroma arose from the man to fertilize

the woman; I left the subject at this, satisfied, and had no

inkling of the real intimacy of the embrace.

"About 14, much interested in Bradlaugh, I bought both the

Knowlton pamphlet and Mrs. Besant's population book. I found the

physical details in scientific language so dull that I could not

peruse them. By reading the argumentative passages I learned that

_somehow_ (I knew not how) children could be produced or not

produced as desired; and in this stage of the matter it seemed

to me so admirable that it should be so that I wondered why there

should be cavil.

"About this age my elder brother believed it to be his duty to

tell me the secrets of sex; I remember his talking to me, while

I, bored and uninterested, thought of something else. When he

finished I had heard nothing. Remember, I felt no shame on the

matter--none at all. I was simply bored. This I attribute to two

things: first, my preponderating interest in the romantic side of

things; secondly (and this bears with it a strong moral), _the

feeling that the knowledge lay always within my grasp kept me

from that curiosity which so oft consumes those who think it is

hidden away from them_.

"The changes of puberty came naturally and without startling me.

Even the fact of emissions--which took place during sleep at

intervals, unaccompanied by dreams or by any physical prostration

afterward--has left on my memory no recollection of surprise; I

knew it to be somehow connected with generation, but I had no

physical trouble, and I am quite sure I did not bother further

about it. The best possible proof of this lies in the fact that

my memory is a blank on the matter. At the age of 21 (I take this

from a diary, so I know it is correct) I was still ignorant as to

intrinsic fact. Then I pulled myself together and felt it was

really time I learned the actual details of the matter. I went to

a clever friend of mine and asked him to tell me all about it. He

expressed himself astounded at my not knowing; and he had very

great shyness about telling me. In fact, I had to drag facts out

of him by a real cross-examination, during which he persistently

marveled at my ignorance. Though he had a great deal of false

shame about the matter, I had none at all. His revelations

considerably surprised me, because I had no idea that there was

actual intromission. When I came to reflect on what I had learned

the fact of this close physical intimacy appealed to me as being

quite poetic and beautiful between two lovers; and I have had no

reason since to change my opinion.

"_Summary._--1. Romantic interest in girls and women commencing

early and remaining persistently.

"2. Knowledge before puberty of the fact that this interest was

based on the all-important process of reproduction.

"3. Absence of further physical curiosity even at puberty itself.

"4. Knowledge ultimately acquired without shock.

"The physical in sex has never been any bother to me, neither

have I bothered about it. I have recognized it, frankly, and

don't see why I shouldn't, but my unashamed recognition has

probably been because the merely physical is less absorbing to me

than to most. Mental and emotional interest in passion has

absorbed me greatly, but the merely physical has sunk into what

I call its natural place of subordination. Nature is kind. It is

our 'conspiracy of silence' which tends to emphasize physical

detail."

HISTORY VII.--G.D., who is a doctor and a man of science, writes:

"There is a strong history of gout on the paternal side. No

history of alcohol, tubercle, brain trouble, or of the

arthropathies. There is some reason to believe that two of my

maternal aunts were sexually frigid, and perhaps this was true to

a less extent of my mother, who had a contracted pelvis,

necessitating the induction of labor at the eighth month of

pregnancy.

"About the age of 7 a German nursery governess, B., took charge

of me, and I soon became devoted to her. I was then a delicate

child, and used to suffer frequently from nightmare, waking up

screaming and covered with sweat. When this happened, B. would

sometimes take me into her bed and soothe me with kisses, etc.

These I returned, and can remember that I was particularly fond

of kissing her breasts.

"About this time a girl cousin, A., about a year older than

myself, was one of my most frequent playmates. I endeavored to

monopolize her company and attention, and on this account often

came to blows with C., a cousin rather younger than myself, who

has since told me that he was then 'in love' with A. and

'jealous' of me. I believe I was really jealous and in love at

the time, but cannot remember that anything in the nature of

caresses took place between A. and myself.

"Some time later, probably when I was about 9, something led up

to B. saying that she was not built like I was, that she had no

penis, etc. (I cannot remember my nursery term for penis.) I was

incredulous, and demanded to be allowed to see if it was true;

this was refused, and I made many plans to gratify my curiosity,

such as slipping into her room when she was dressing, tipping up

the chair she was sitting in, and trying to suddenly thrust my

hand up under her skirts. I did not succeed in finding out, but

have since thought that, although she did not allow me to attain

the object of my efforts, the later game caused her pleasurable

sensations. I regard these efforts as being prompted purely by

curiosity; I had no feelings of warmth or irritations of the

genitals, and I certainly never manipulated them, nor was I, as

far as I can judge, an unusually prurient small boy. B. left when

I was about 10, when I went to a preparatory school.

"At 12½ I was sent to a public school, and was then told by my

father the chief facts of sex and warned to avoid masturbation.

My first wet dream took place when I was 14. Rather before this I

had begun to suffer with severe intermittent testicular neuralgia

which practically defied all treatment and continued on and off

for four or five years, the attacks gradually becoming fewer and

less severe.

"When 15, circumstances compelled me to leave school and to live

for two years at the seaside with no companions of my own age. I

had, however, the run of a well-stocked library, and fished and

collected insects energetically.

"At 16 I made love to the trained nurse attending my mother, but,

owing more, I think, to my timidity than to the austerity of her

virtue, got no further than kissing. About this time wet dreams

became inconveniently frequent; they would occur three or four

times weekly, and resisted the stock remedies. At 17 I was

advised to try connection. This I did, and found but little

pleasure in the act, there being a strong esthetic objection to

the 'love that keeps awake for lure.'

"About this time I found in the United States Pharmacopoeia a

remedy for my emissions, which have, however, always remained

rather more frequent than those of the average individual,

judging from the experience of my friends. Emissions are

generally accompanied by lascivious dreams, but at times take

place when I dream that I am hurrying to catch a train, or to

micturate against time.

"I have of late years (not noticed till after 20) observed that

the dream accompanying emission is shorter; so that, whereas up

to, say, 21 I generally performed the whole physiological act

with my dream-charmer, I now almost invariably emit and awake

before intromission has taken place. There has been no

alternation comparable to this in the performance of the act

while I am awake.

"As regards my physique I should mention that all my reflexes are

very brisk, though I am only slightly ticklish in the ordinary

sense of the term. I sweat easily and am very shy, not only with

women, but with any strangers. I have, however, trained myself

not to show this. About averagely passionate, I should say, and

extremely critical where women are concerned, the latter quality

often keeping me chaste for months at a time."

HISTORY VIII.--"When I was about 8 years old" (states the lady

who is the subject of the present observation) "I remember that,

with several other children, we used to play in an old garden at

being father and mother, unfastening our drawers and bringing the

sexual parts together, as we imagined married people to do, but

no sexual feelings were aroused, nor did the boys have

erections." When about 10 years old she became conscious of a

pleasurable sensation associated with the smell of leather, which

has ever since persisted. At that age she was sometimes left to

wait in the office of a wholesale business house full of

leather-bound ledgers. She did not then notice the sensation

particularly, and was certainly not conscious of any connection

with sexual emotion. Menstruation was established at 13½ years.

Distinct sexual feelings were first observed a few months later.

"The first feelings of love which I ever felt were at the age of

14 for a nice, manly boy of my own age, who often came to our

house. He liked me, but was not in love with me. It was very

seldom that he would sit by me and hold my hand, as I wished him.

This went on till I was about 17, when he went to the university.

After his first term he came back and was then attracted to me;

but, though I loved him very much, I was too proud to show it.

When he tried to kiss me, I resisted, though I longed for it.

Thinking I was greatly offended, he apologized, which only made

me angry. All these years I was worshiping at his shrine and

mixed him up with all my ideas of life." Whenever she was near

him she experienced physical sensations, with moistening of the

vulva. This continued till she was about 20, but the object of

these emotions never again attempted any advances.

At 19 she became engaged to someone else. At the beginning she

was physically indifferent to her lover, but when he first kissed

her she became greatly excited. The engagement, however, was soon

broken off from absence of strong affection on either side and

chiefly, it would seem, from the cooling of the lover's ardor.

She thinks he would have been more strongly attached to her if

she had been colder to him, or pretended to be, instead of

responding with simplicity and frankness.

During the next few years little occurred. She was working hard,

and her amusements would mostly, she says, be regarded as rather

childish. She was extremely fond of dancing, and she was always

pleased when anyone paid her attention. She was frequently

conscious of sexual feelings, sometimes tormented by them, and

she regarded this as something to be ashamed of. The constant

longing for love was affected little or not at all by hard work.

"At about this time I was very fond of abandoning myself to

day-dreams. I was very glad if I could get everyone out of the

house and lie on an easy chair or the bed. I liked especially to

read poetry, all the more if I did not quite understand it. This

would lead me on to all sorts of dreams of love, which, however,

never went beyond the preliminaries of actual love--as that was

all I then knew of love." The only climax to her dream of love

was founded on a piece of information volunteered by a married

woman many years earlier, when she was about 12. This

lady--evidently agreeing with Rousseau (who in _Emile_ commended

the mother's reply to the child's query whence babies come, "Les

femmes les pissent, mon enfant, avec des grands douleurs") that

the unknown should first be explained to the young in terms of

the known--told her that the husband micturated into the wife.

She therefore used to imagine a lover who would bear her away

into a forest and do this on her as she lay at the foot of a

tree. (At a later date she accidentally discovered that a full

bladder tended to enhance sexual feelings, and occasionally

resorted to this physical measure of heightening excitement.) All

the physical sensations of sexual desire were called out by these

day-dreams, with abundant secretion, but never the orgasm. Her

reveries never led to masturbation or to allied manifestations,

which have never taken place. Such a method of relief has,

indeed, never offered any temptation to her and she doubts even

its possibility in her case. (At a later period of life, however,

at the age of 31, masturbation began and was practised at

intervals.) At the same time she remarks that, while no orgasm

(of which, indeed, she was then ignorant) ever occurred, the

sexual excitement produced by the day-dreams was sufficiently

great to cause a feeling of relief afterward. These day-dreams

were the only way in which the sexual erethism was discharged.

She cannot recall having erotic dreams or any sexual

manifestations during sleep.

Spontaneous sexual excitement was present a few days before

menstruation, and fairly marked during and immediately after the

period. It also tended to recur in the middle of the

intermenstrual period.

The pleasurable sensation connected with the smell of leather

became more marked as she approached adult age. It was especially

pronounced about the age of 24, and the sexual emotion it

produced (with moisture of the vulva) was then clearly conscious.

No other odor produced this effect in such a marked degree. It

was often associated with leather bags, but not with boots,

though on rubbing the leather of shoes she found that this odor

was given out. She cannot account for its origin, and does not

connect any association with it. It never affected her conduct or

led to fetichistic habits.

Some other odors affect her in the same way, though not to the

same degree as leather. This is more especially the case with

some flowers, especially white flowers with heavy odors, like

gardenias. Many flowers, on the other hand, like primroses, seem

rather opposed to sex effect, too fresh, though stimulating to

the mind. Some artificial scents tend to produce sexual effects

also. Personal odors have no influence of this kind. (At a later

period the sexual influence of personal odors was occasionally

experienced, but the present history deals only with the period

before marriage.)

She believes that most beautiful things, however unconnected with

sex, have a tendency to produce distinctively sexual feelings in

a faint degree, although sometimes more marked, with secretion.

She has, however, never experienced homosexual feeling, and, on

first consideration, was inclined to believe that the sight of a

beautiful woman had no sexual effect on her, though she could

quite understand such an effect. Subsequently, on recalling as

well as observing her experiences more carefully, she found that

a lovely woman's face and figure (especially on one occasion the

very graceful figure of a beautiful fairy in a ballet) produced

distinct sexual sensations (with mucous emission). Music,

however, has strongly emotional effects upon her, and she cannot

recall that she ever felt any equally powerful influence of this

kind in the absence of music.

Looking back on the development of her feelings she finds that,

though in some respects they may have been slow, they were

simple, natural, spontaneous, and correspond to "the dawning and

progress which go on in the development of every girl. While it

is going on in actual fact, the girl does not know or bother

herself about trying to understand it. Afterward it seems quite

clear and simple. Full occupation of the brain, and hands too,

while it does not do away with desire, is a great help and

safeguard to a growing girl, when combined with proper

information about herself and her relation to man the animal, so

that she may realize where she is and how to choose the right

man--though under the best conditions failure may occur."

HISTORY IX.--The subject belongs to a large family having some

neurotic members; she spent her early life on a large farm. She

is vigorous and energetic, has intellectual tastes, and is

accustomed to think for herself, from unconventional standpoints,

on many subjects. Her parents were very religious, and not, she

thinks, of sensual temperament. Her own early life was free from

associations of a sexual character, and she can recall little

that now seems to be significant in this respect. She remembers

that in childhood and for some time later she believed that

children were born through the navel. Her activities went chiefly

into humanitarian and utopian directions, and she cherished ideas

of a large, healthy, free life, untrammeled by civilization. She

regards herself as very passionate, but her sexual emotions

appear to have developed very slowly and have been somewhat

intellectualized. After reaching adult life she has formed

several successive relationships with men to whom she has been

attracted by affinity in temperament, in intellectual views, and

in tastes. These relationships have usually been followed by some

degree of disillusion, and so have been dissolved. She does not

believe in legal marriage, though under fitting circumstances she

would much like to have a child.

She never masturbated until the age of 27. At that time a married

friend told her that such a thing could be done. She found it

gave her decided pleasure, indeed, more than coitus had ever

given her except with one man. She has never practised it to

excess, only at rare intervals, and is of the opinion that it is

decidedly beneficial when thus moderately indulged in. She has

sometimes found, for instance, that, after the mental excitement

produced by delivering a lecture, sleep would be impossible if

masturbation were not resorted to as a sedative to relieve the

tension.

Spontaneous sexual excitement is strongest just before the

monthly period.

Definite sexual dreams and sexual excitement during sleep have

not occurred except possibly on one or two occasions.

She has from girlhood experienced erotic day-dreams, imagining

love-stories of which she herself was the heroine; the climax of

these stories has developed with her own developing knowledge of

sexual matters.

She is not inverted, and has never been in love with a woman. She

finds, however, that a beautiful woman is distinctly a sexual

excitation, calling out definite physical manifestations of

sexual emotion. She explains this by saying that she thinks she

instinctively puts herself in the place of a man and feels as it

seems to her a man would feel.

She finds that music excites the sexual emotions, as well as many

scents, whether of flowers, the personal odor of the beloved

person, or artificial perfumes.

HISTORY X.--The subject is of German extraction on both sides.

The father is of marked intellectual tastes, as also is she

herself. There is no unhealthy strain in the family so far as she

is aware, though they all have very strong passions. She is well

developed, healthy, vigorous, and athletic, any trouble to which

she is subject being mainly due to overwork.

Looking back on her childhood, she can now see various sexual

manifestations occurring at a period when she was quite ignorant

of sex matters. "The very first," she writes, "was at the age of

6. I remember once sitting astride a banister while my parents

were waiting for me outside. I distinctly remember a pleasurable

sensation--probably in part due to a physical feeling--in the

thought of staying there when I knew I ought to have run out to

them. From that year till the age of 10 I simply reveled in the

idea of being tortured. I went gladly to bed every night to

imagine myself a slave, chained, beaten, made to carry loads and

do ignominious work. One of my imaginings, I remember, was that I

was chained to a moldering skeleton." As she grew older these

fancies were discontinued. At the same time there was a trace of

sadistic tendency: "I used to frighten and tease a young child,

driven to it by an irresistible impulse, and experiencing a

certain pleasurable feeling in so doing. But this, I am glad to

say, was rare, as I hate all cruelty."

One of her favorite imaginings as a child was that she was a boy,

and especially that she was a knight rescuing damsels in

distress. She was not fond of girls' occupations, and has always

had a sort of chivalrous feeling toward women.

"When I first heard of the sexual act," she writes, "it appeared

to me so absurd that I took little notice. About the age of 10 I

discussed it a good deal with other girls, and we used to play

childishly indecent games--out of pure mischief and not from any

definite physical feeling."

About a year after menstruation was established she accidentally

discovered the act of masturbation by leaning over a table. "I

discovered it naturally; no one taught me; and the very

naturalness of the impulse that led me to it often made me in

later years question the harmfulness." Both her sisters

masturbated from a very early age, but not, to her knowledge, her

brother. The practice of masturbation was continued. "For many

years, imbued with the old ideas of morality, I struggled against

it in vain. The sight of animals copulating, the perusal of

various books (Shakespeare, Rabelais, Gautier's _Mademoiselle de

Maupin_, etc.), the sight of the nude in some Bacchanalian

pictures (such as Rubens's), all aroused passion. Coexistent with

this--perhaps (though I doubt it) due to it--arose a disgust for

normal intercourse. I fell in love and enjoyed kisses, etc., but

the mere thought of anything beyond disgusted me. Had my lover

suggested such a thing I would have lost all love for him. But

all this time I went on masturbating, though as seldom as

possible and without thought of my lover. Love was to me a thing

ideal and quite apart from lust, and I still think that it is

false to try to connect the two. I fear that even now, if I fell

in love, sexual intercourse would break the charm. At the age of

18 I came across Tolstoy's _Kreutzer Sonata_ and was overjoyed to

find all I had thought written down there. Gradually, through

seeing a friend happily married, I have grown to a more normal

view of things. I am very critical of men and have never met one

liberal-minded and just enough to please me. Perhaps if I did I

might take a perfectly healthy view of things."

In course of time various devices had been adopted to heighten

sexual excitement when indulging in masturbation. Thus, for

instance, she found that the effects of sexual excitement are

increased by keeping the bladder full. But the chief method which

she had devised for heightening and prolonging the preliminary

excitement consisted in wearing tight stays (as a rule, she wears

loose stays) and in painting her face. She cannot herself explain

this. Self-excitement is completed by friction, or sometimes by

the introduction of a piece of wood into the vagina. She finds

that, the more frequently she masturbates, the more easily she is

excited. Spontaneous sexual feeling is strongest before and after

the menstrual period; not so much so during the periods.

There are various faint traces of homosexuality, it may be

gathered, in the history of this subject's sexual development.

Recently these have come to a climax in the formation of a

homosexual relationship with a girl friend. This relationship has

given her great pleasure and satisfaction. She does not, however,

regard herself as being a really inverted person.

There have been vivid sexual dreams from about 17 (apparently

about the period of the relationship with the lover). These

dreams have not, however, had special reference to persons of

either sex.

Apart from the influence of books and pictures already mentioned,

she remarks that she is sexually affected by the personal odor of

a beloved person, but is not consciously affected by any other

odors.

HISTORY XI.--Widower, aged 40 years. Surgeon. "My experience of

sexual matters began early. When I was about 10 years of age a

boy friend who was staying with us told me that his sister made

him uncover his person, with which she played and encouraged him

to do the same for her. He said it was great fun, and suggested

that we should take two of my sisters into an old barn and repeat

his experience on them. This we did, and tried all we could to

have connection with them; they were nothing loath and did all

they could to help us, but nothing was effected and I experienced

no pleasure in it.

"When I went back to school I attracted the attention of one of

the big boys who slept in the same room with me; he came into my

bed and began to play with my member, saying that it was the

usual thing to do and would give me pleasure. I did not feel any

pleasure, but I liked the attention, and rather enjoyed playing

with his member, which was of large size, and surrounded by thick

pubic hair. After I had played with him for some time I was

surprised at his having an emission of sticky matter. Afterward

he rubbed me again, saying that if I let him do it long enough he

would produce the same substance from me. This he failed to do,

however, though he rubbed me long and frequently, on that and

many other occasions. I was very disappointed at not being able

to have an emission, and on every occasion that offered I

endeavored to excite myself to the extent of compassing this. I

used to ask to go out of school two or three times a day, and

retired to the closet, where I practised on myself most

diligently, but to no purpose, at that time, though I began to

have pleasurable emotions in the act.

"When I went home for the holidays I took a great interest in one

of my father's maids, whose legs I felt as she ran upstairs one

day. I was in great fear that she would complain of what I had

done, but I was delighted to find that she did nothing of the

sort; on the contrary, she took to kissing and fondling me,

calling me her sweetheart and saying that I was a forward boy.

This encouraged me greatly, and I was not long in getting to

more intimate relations with her. She called me into her room one

day when we were alone in the house, she being in a half-dressed

condition, and put me on the bed and laid herself on me, kissing

me passionately on the mouth. She next unbuttoned my trousers and

fondled and kissed my member, and directed my hand to her

privates. I became very much excited and trembled violently, but

was able to do for her what she wanted in the way of masturbation

until she became wet. After this we had many meetings in which we

embraced and she let me introduce my member until she had

satisfied herself, though I was too young to have an emission.

"On return to school I practised mutual masturbation with several

of my schoolfellows, and finally, at the age of 14 years, had my

first real emission. I was greatly pleased thereat, and, with

this and the growth of hair which began to show on my pubis,

began to feel myself quite a man. I loved lying in the arms of

another boy, pressing against his body, and fondling his person

and being fondled by him in return. We always finished up with

mutual masturbation. We never indulged in any unnatural

connections.

"After leaving school I had no opportunity of indulging in

relations with my own sex, and, indeed, did not wish for such, as

I became a slave to the charms of the other sex, and passed most

of my time in either enjoying, or planning to enjoy, love

passages with them.

"The sight of a woman's limbs or bust, especially if partly

hidden by pretty underclothing, and the more so if seen by

stealth, was sufficient to give a lustful feeling and a violent

erection, accompanied by palpitation of the heart and throbbing

in the head.

"I had frequent coitus at the age of 17, as well as masturbating

regularly. I liked to perform masturbation on a girl, even more

than I liked having connection with her; and this was especially

so in the case of girls who had never had masturbation practised

on them before; I loved to see the look of surprised pleasure

appear on their faces as they felt the delightful and novel

sensation.

"To gratify this desire I persuaded dozens of girls to allow me

to take liberties with them, and it would surprise you to learn

what a number of girls, many of them in good social position,

permitted me the liberty I desired, though the supply was never

equal to my demand.

"With a view to enlarging my opportunities I took up the study of

medicine as a profession, and reveled in the chances it gave of

being on intimate sexual terms with many who would have been,

otherwise, out of my reach.

"At the age of 25 I married the daughter of an officer, a

beautiful girl with a fully developed figure and an amorous

disposition. While engaged, we used to pass hours wrapped in each

other's arms, practising mutual masturbation, or I would kiss

her passionately on the mouth, introducing my tongue into her

mouth at intervals, with the invariable result that I had an

emission and she went off into sighs and shivers. After marriage

we practised all sorts of fancy coitus, _coitus reservatus_,

etc., and rarely passed twenty-four hours without two

conjunctions, until she got far on in the family way, and our

play had to cease for a while.

"During this interval I went to stay at the house of an old

schoolfellow, who had been one of my lovers of days gone by. It

happened that on account of the number of guests staying in the

house the bed accommodation was somewhat scanty, and I agreed to

share my friend's bedroom. The sight of his naked body as he

undressed gave rise to lustful feelings in me; and when he had

turned out the light I stole across to his bed and got in beside

him. He made no objection, and we passed the night in mutual

masturbation and embraces, _coitus inter femora_, etc. I was

surprised to find how much I preferred this state of affairs to

coitus with my wife, and determined to enjoy the occasion to the

full. We passed a fortnight together in the above fashion, and,

though I afterward went back and did my duty by my wife, I never

took the same pleasure in her again, and when she died, five

years later, I felt no inclination to contract another marriage,

but devoted myself heart and soul to my old school-friend, with

whom I continued tender relations until his death by accident

last year. Since then I have lost all interest in life."

"The patient," writes the well-known alienist to whom I am

indebted for the above history, "consulted me lately. I found him

a fairly healthy man to look at, suffering from some neurasthenia

and a tendency to melancholia. Generative organs large, one

testicle shows some wasting, pubic hair abundant, form of body

distinctly masculine; temperament neurotic. He improved under

treatment, and, after seeing me three times and writing out the

above history, came no more."

HISTORY XII.--Mrs. B., aged 32. Father's family normal; mother's

family clever, eccentric, somewhat neuropathic. She is herself

normal, good-looking, usually healthy, highly intelligent, and

with much practical ability, though at some periods of life, and

especially in childhood, she has shared to some extent in the

high-strung and supersensitive temperament of her mother's

family. As a child she was sometimes spoiled and sometimes

cuffed, and suffered tortures from nervousness. She has, however,

acquired a large measure of self-control.

The first sensations which she now recognizes as sexual were

experienced at the age of 3, when her mother gave her an

injection; afterward she declared herself unable to relieve her

bowels naturally in order to obtain a repetition of this

experience, which was several times repeated. At the age of 7 a

man pursued her with attentions and attempted to take liberties,

but she rejected his advances in terror; four years later another

man attempted to assault her, but she resisted vigorously, struck

him, and escaped by running. Neither of these sexual attempts

appears to have left any serious permanent impression on the

child's mind.

At the age of 11, when her mother was giving her a bath, the

sensation of her mother's fingers touching her private parts gave

her what she now knows to be sexual feelings, and a year later

when taking her bath she would pour hot water on to the sexual

region in order to cause these sensations; this did not lead to

masturbation, but she had a vague idea that it was "wrong."

At the age of 12 menstruation began; she suffered very severely

from dysmenorrhea, the period sometimes lasting for ten days, and

the pain being often extreme. She was not treated for this

condition, her mother being of opinion that she would outgrow it.

From the age of 14 or 15 until 23, or about the period of her

marriage, she suffered from anemia.

She had little curiosity about sexual matters; her mother wished

that she should always come to her for information about things

she became acquainted with as to the general facts of sex; she

did not, however, know definitely the facts of copulation until

her marriage. She knew nothing of erection or semen, and thought

that when a man and woman placed their organs together a child

resulted. She hated talking about these subjects indecently, and

would not listen to the sexual conversation of her schoolfellows.

She never felt any homosexual attraction. Once another girl was

much in love with her, but she despised and disliked her

attentions; again, when a girl much older than herself, a friend

of her mother's, slept with her and made advances, she repelled

her and refused to sleep with her again.

She always got on well with men, and men were attracted to her.

She was direct and sincere, without undue modesty. But she never

allowed men to touch her or kiss her. She was a good dancer, and

fond of dancing, but denies that it ever led to sexual feelings.

She never felt any sexual attraction for a man until, at the age

of 20, she fell in love with her future husband five years or

more before marriage.

At this period she began to feel vague discomfort, which she knew

to be localized near her sexual organs. She was aware, in a dim

way, that it was connected with her love, and was of a sexual

nature. But there was no definite idea of sexual intercourse. She

felt nervous and depressed. If she had been asked to state what

would relieve her, she could only have said B.'s presence and

tenderness. A few days before he declared his love she

experienced the nearest approach to sexual feeling she had ever

had. It was summer and, with B. and some of her family, she had

gone on a little expedition. One evening, in the train after a

day's excursion, B. took her hand (unperceived by the others) and

held it for some time. This aroused the strongest emotions in

her; she closed her eyes, and, though she was not at the time

aware that her sensations were localized in her sexual organs,

she thinks, in the light of subsequent knowledge, that she then

experienced the orgasm.

During the engagement, which lasted between two and three years,

circumstances prevented frequent meetings. B. would kiss her,

suck her nipples, which became erect, and lie on her. She allowed

him to take these liberties, feeling that if she refused him all

satisfaction he might have relations with other women. She still

felt no definite desire for contact of the sexual organs. She

longed rather to be embraced and kissed, and to lie in her

lover's arms all night. A few months before marriage, however,

she masturbated occasionally, just before or just after

menstruation, imagining, while doing it, that she was in her

lover's arms. The act was usually followed by a sick feeling.

Just before marriage she underwent an operation for the relief of

the dysmenorrhea. She was somewhat shocked and sickened by the

experiences of the wedding night. It seemed to her that her

husband approached her with the violence of an animal, and there

was some difficulty in effecting entrance. Coitus, though

incomplete, took place some seven times on this first night. The

bleeding from rupture of the hymen continued, so that for two

days she had to wear a towel. For two months subsequently there

was great pain during intercourse, although she suppressed the

indications of this.

There were several children born of the marriage and for some

years she lived happily, on the whole, with her husband,

notwithstanding various hardships and difficulties and some

incompatibility of temper.

As regards her sexual feelings she considers, from what other

women have told her, that her feelings are, if anything, stronger

than the average. The orgasm, however, was not fully developed

until about five years after marriage. Sexual feeling is most

pronounced before, during, and after the menstrual period, more

especially before and about the third day (the period usually

lasts from five to seven days). There is more sexual desire

during pregnancy, especially toward the end, than at any other

time. She never refused normal intercourse to her husband, but

any abnormal or perverted method of sexual gratification is

repellent. She was awakened one night about the third month of

pregnancy by her husband inserting his penis _in ore_; the child

was born with palate defect and she is herself inclined to

believe that this incident was the cause of the defect. Though

she desires normal intercourse, she has seldom obtained complete

gratification. For a long time she disliked seeing or touching

the penis, and the feel, and especially the smell, of the semen

produced nausea and even vomiting. (She has a very delicate sense

of smell as well as of taste; though fond of the scent of

flowers, no sexual feelings are thus aroused.) Withdrawal and the

use of condoms are unsatisfactory to her, and mutual masturbation

gives no relief and produces headache. Feelings of friendship for

her husband have been most potent in arousing the sexual

emotions, and she has had most pleasure in intercourse after a

day spent in bicycling together. She has been for many months at

a time without sexual intercourse, and during such periods has

suffered much from pain in the head; this, however, she has now

completely surmounted. She eventually discovered that her

husband's abstinence from marital intercourse was due to

infidelity. This led to a definite separation. She still

occasionally experiences sexual desire, but has no inclination to

masturbate. Her life is full and busy, affording ample scope for

her energies and intelligence; moreover, she has her children to

train and educate. She herself believes that her sexual life is

at an end.

HISTORY XIII.--G.R., army officer. "I am 35 years of age. My

parents married at the ages of 38 and 25, and my father is now 84

and my mother 71; both are particularly strong and healthy in

body and mind. I am of old lineage on both sides, and know of no

disease, defect, or abnormality among any of my ancestors or

relations, except that my mother's family has a slight tendency

to drink and excess, the present members of it all being

considered eccentric. I have one brother and one sister living

(brother unmarried, sister with several children) and am the

youngest of a family of five. My brother is abnormal, but I don't

know exactly in what way or from what cause. I have a strong

suspicion that he masturbates to excess. My father is artistic

and my mother musical. I have no aptitude for either, but

appreciate both enormously, though not until about ten years ago.

My principal reading is religion, science, and philosophy, with

an occasional standard novel, or a modern novel of the 'improper'

type by way of relaxation. I became a convinced and militant

rationalist about five years ago, but have been an unbeliever

since I left school. I was anemic and threatened with bowel

complaint at the age of 7, and was in consequence taken abroad

for my health. I am now strong and vigorous, with great powers of

endurance, and enjoy all forms of sport and exercise,

particularly hunting, pig-sticking, and polo. I drink a lot, and

am never fitter than when eating, drinking, and taking exercise

in what most people would call excess. It takes more alcohol than

I can hold to make me drunk when in England; but not so in the

East. I have been told that I am very good-looking.

"When I was about 4 or 5 I was constantly chaffed by my older

companions about putting my hand down my trousers and playing

with my privates. I don't remember getting an erection, nor at

what age this first occurred with me. At one time my brother and

I used to play about with my sister's underclothing, and took

great pleasure in it, but we never saw her genitals. She told us

that on carefully examining herself one day she was glad to find

that she had a small penis like boys had--doubtless the clitoris.

When in France, at the age of 8 to 10, I began to notice the

sexual parts of animals, and was very keen to know what mares

kept between their hind legs. Later on I took great pleasure with

another boy in feeling the teats of a she-ass, and, by myself,

the penis of a donkey, as I had seen the French grooms do; but I

took no interest in my own penis. I used to put my finger as far

up the anus as it would go, and got a vague satisfaction from it.

I went to a small private school at the age of 11, having been

previously told by my mother of the manner of birth of men and

animals, of which I was quite ignorant till then. She made no

mention of the part taken by the father, and I never thought

about it. Even then I was left with the impression that one was

born through the navel. I was initiated at school, and used to

handle the penis of the boy who told me. On several occasions I

did _fellatio_ for him, and liked it, but he never offered to do

the same for me, and I don't think he got much satisfaction out

of it. Soon after this I became conscious of pleasurable

sensations when lying on my stomach with an erection, and used

occasionally to gratify myself that way, caring little for the

school tradition that it was 'wicked' and bad for one. On one

occasion, when talking at night with another boy, we compared our

organs, both in erection, and I then for the first time thought

of trying what I had heard vaguely mentioned, viz., two boys

playing at man and woman. I lay on him with my penis on his

stomach and almost at once had an orgasm with emission, and

experienced acute pleasure, though both he and I supposed that I

had involuntarily micturated. I was 13 when this happened. I did

it once more with him before I left, this time the other way up,

so as to spare him the unpleasantness. I used to like kissing and

hugging the smaller boys, and had a great eye for good looks. On

going home for the holidays I masturbated with my hand out of

curiosity to see what happened when the orgasm occurred, and then

only did I fully understand the nature of the act. After this the

rush and strangeness of a large public school distracted my

attention, but I heard about wet dreams, masturbation, and

homosexuality from the other boys, and soon became thoroughly

initiated. I believe the tone of my house, if not of the whole

school, was exceptionally bad; though it may only be that I saw

more of it because I was attracted by it, and that other schools

are the same really. Things involving certain expulsion if found

out were done more or less in public, and I have myself openly

got into bed with or masturbated other boys, and on more than one

occasion have helped forcibly to masturbate small boys or to hold

them while others had connection with them, the idea of the last

two acts being that the boy would thereby be seduced and become

available for, and willing to perform, homosexuality. Before I

became big enough to have boys myself I masturbated frequently

(on one occasion three times in the day), and invariably by lying

on my stomach without the use of the hands. In having connection

with other boys I used to do it between the thighs or on the

stomach, and I never heard of any other way at that school.

_Pædicatio_ would disgust me, and, moreover, would deprive me of

the principal pleasure of intercourse, viz., the feeling of lying

face to face and stomach to stomach. Of course, the satisfaction

used to be mutual, but, though good-looking, I was never the

passive party only, like some small boys who might be called

professionals and whom I used to pay for their services. I went

back after I had left and had a boy in the dark whom I had never

seen before, having been told that he was all right. I used to

have a very genuine affection for any party to my pleasure,

though I took delight in torturing one in particular, but for

what reason I cannot say. For one boy I developed a deep love,

which lasted long after we had left school and had ceased all

sexual connection. This love was as strong as anything I have

ever felt since.