_How he was revenged on a Broker for arresting him for some
Goods he had past his word for upon his friends
account._
Notwithstanding I dayly thus, almost, cheated one or other, procuring
thereby considerable sums of money, yet, by my drinking, Whoreing, and
defending my self from such as I had wronged, I seldom kept any money by
me. One day as I walk’d the streets securely, as I thought, a fellow
fastned his _Flesh-Hooks_ on my Shoulder. Looking about to see what this
sudden _clap_ meant, I saw a fellow behind me, whose face lookt ten
times worse than those _Philistines_ that are pictured on Chimny pieces,
seizing upon _Samson_; his mouth was as largely vaulted as that within
_Aldersgate_; his Visage was almost eaten through with Pock-holes, every
hole so big, that they would have served for Children to play at
Cherry-pit; His Nose resembled an Hand-saw; take both Head and Face
together, and it appeared like the Saracens on _Snow-hill_; questionless
some _Incubus_ begot him on a Witch. Having a little recovered my self
from my amazement, I askt him what his business was with me? He spake
but little, leaving his errand to his Mace (which he shewed me) to
relate. Away they carried me to _Woodstreet_ at the Kings-head, from
whence I sent for Bail, which speedily came to me: having put in Bail to
one Action, I found another enter’d: having done the like to that I
found another, half a dozen more bearing it company; wherefore thanking
my friends for the trouble I had put them to, I desired them to leave
me, resolving to go to _Ludgate_. The two Serjeants that arrested me
conducted me thither, having my name enter’d in the Paper-House, as
Horses in _Smithfield_ are in the Tole-booth: _Cerberus_ turned the Key,
and set the door as wide open as _Westminster_-Hall Gate in the
Term-time to Country Client, to receive me from my Hell-guides, which
puts me in mind of that old Verse,
_Noctes atque dies patet atri janua ditis._
I no sooner was enter’d into this inchanted Isle, where some lie
wind-bound sometimes seven years together, but a fellow (whom at first
sight I took to be a Gardner, because he had a kind of _Reddish_ beard,
_and turn’d up_ withal) came to me, and understanding I was a Prisoner,
seem’d mighty courteous, profering me his Chamber, for my Garnish sake.
I accepted his kindness, and went with him to view this Cobweb-hung
Chamber, for so it proved; I demanded of him who should be my
Bed-fellow? that Gentleman there Sir, said he, that sits by the
fire-side: I could not forbear smiling, for he was a fat squobby fellow,
though his brain seemed to be lean. I believe he was his own Barber, and
was forc’d to make use of a Knife instead of a Razor; for his beard it
was cut round like a rubbing brush. Certainly, had all the skin of his
body been like that of his face, it would have served excellent well
when he was dead to make cloke-bags of. Not content with this lodging, I
sought out another; liking it somewhat better then the former, I pitcht
on it. Assoon as they understood my resolution, they worried me
presently like angry Mastiffs, barking for their Garnish; I told them
they should have it to morrow, at which they grumbled like the greatest
strings of a Base-Viol. Before I went to Bed I must pay for a pair of
sheets, that never came nigh _Holland_ by three hundred miles, and out
of much civility my Bedfellow brought me a Candle not so long as his
nose to light me to Bed.
The next morning I made it my business to get out assoon as I could;
some I paid, others I non-suited, and so got clear. Being out I resolved
not to rest till I had revenged my self on this Broker that had thus
troubled me. I needed not means for the Devil seldom failed to help my
inventions. I pretended to go into the Country, and in order to it
pack’d up a Trunk of what I had most valuable and portable, and getting
a Porter, sent it to an Inn where a _Norwich_-Carryer used to lye, but I
knew him to be gone the day before. Going along with the Porter, I
enquired for such a Carryer, but they told me he was gone, and would not
return till the next week. I askt them where I might lay my Trunk safe:
they shewed me a Room; where bidding the Porter sit down, I called for
some Ale, telling the Porter, moreover, that I would have him be a
witness of what there was in the Trunk, lest I should be dishonestly
dealt by; whereupon I unlockt it, desiring him to take notice, which he
did, and to be more sure took an Inventory in Writing. Having paused a
little, now I think upon it (said I) Porter, it will not be safe to
leave this here in a publique house, as in a friends, wherefore prethee
go buy a Cord, and thou shalt carry it elsewhere. Whilest he was gone, I
took out the chiefest things and put in rubbish, or what I could get,
and so lockt it again. The Porter returning, we corded the Trunk, and
carried it to this Broker, who took it kindly from me, that I would
intrust him after our controversie, and received it. The next week I
told him I would call for it, in order to the sending it into the
Country. The time being come, I took the same Porter with me, and
demanding the Trunk, it was forthwith delivered me. Come, Porter, said
I, you must uncord it again, for I have present use for something
therein contain’d; which being done, I seemingly amaz’d, cryed out I was
rob’d, taxing the Broker for so doing, villifying him for his knavery.
He protested that he never lookt on it to his knowledge since the
receipt thereof. Well Sir (said I) this shall not serve your turn, this
honest Porter knows how differently it is fraught from what he saw it at
first. In a great seeming heat I left him, but before he slept I sent a
couple of Serjeants to him, who arrested him; coming to tryal, by the
assistance of two (resolv’d Jurors) and this Porter, I overthrew him,
and recovered above forty pound, besides cost of Suit.