_E.B.B. to R.B._
[Post-mark, September 25, 1845.]
I have spoken again, and the result is that we are in precisely the
same position; only with bitterer feelings on one side. If I go or
stay they _must_ be bitter: words have been said that I cannot easily
forget, nor remember without pain; and yet I really do almost smile in
the midst of it all, to think how I was treated this morning as an
undutiful daughter because I tried to put on my gloves ... for there
was no worse provocation. At least he complained of the undutifulness
and rebellion (!!!) of everyone in the house--and when I asked if he
meant that reproach for _me_, the answer was that he meant it for all
of us, one with another. And I could not get an answer. He would not
even grant me the consolation of thinking that I sacrificed what I
supposed to be good, to _him_. I told him that my prospects of health
seemed to me to depend on taking this step, but that through my
affection for him, I was ready to sacrifice those to his pleasure if
he exacted it--only it was necessary to my self-satisfaction in future
years, to understand definitely that the sacrifice _was_ exacted by
him and _was_ made to him, ... and not thrown away blindly and by a
misapprehension. And he would not answer _that_. I might do my own
way, he said--_he_ would not speak--_he_ would not say that he was not
displeased with me, nor the contrary:--I had better do what I
liked:--for his part, he washed his hands of me altogether.
And so I have been very wise--witness how my eyes are swelled with
annotations and reflections on all this! The best of it is that now
George himself admits I can do no more in the way of speaking, ... I
have no spell for charming the dragons, ... and allows me to be
passive and enjoins me to be tranquil, and not 'make up my mind' to
any dreadful exertion for the future. Moreover he advises me to go on
with the preparations for the voyage, and promises to state the case
himself at the last hour to the 'highest authority'; and judge finally
whether it be possible for me to go with the necessary companionship.
And it seems best to go to Malta on the 3rd of October--if at all ...
from steam-packet reasons ... without excluding Pisa ... remember ...
by any means.
Well!--and what do you think? Might it be desirable for me to give up
the whole? Tell me. I feel aggrieved of course and wounded--and
whether I go or stay that feeling must last--I cannot help it. But my
spirits sink altogether at the thought of leaving England _so_--and
then I doubt about Arabel and Stormie ... and it seems to me that I
_ought not_ to mix them up in a business of this kind where the
advantage is merely personal to myself. On the other side, George
holds that if I give up and stay even, there will be displeasure just
the same, ... and that, when once gone, the irritation will exhaust
and smooth itself away--which however does not touch my chief
objection. Would it be better ... more _right_ ... to give it up?
Think for me. Even if I hold on to the last, at the last I shall be
thrown off--_that_ is my conviction. But ... shall I give up _at
once_? Do think for me.
And I have thought that if you like to come on Friday instead of
Saturday ... as there is the uncertainty about next week, ... it would
divide the time more equally: but let it be as you like and according
to circumstances as you see them. Perhaps you have decided to go at
once with your friends--who knows? I wish I could know that you were
better to-day. May God bless you
Ever yours,