_E.B.B. to R.B._
Monday.
[Post-mark, July 8, 1845.]
Well--I have really been out; and am really alive after it--which is
more surprising still--alive enough I mean, to write even _so_,
to-night. But perhaps I say so with more emphasis, to console myself
for failing in my great ambition of getting into the Park and of
reaching Mr. Kenyon's door just to leave a card there vaingloriously,
... all which I did fail in, and was forced to turn back from the
gates of Devonshire Place. The next time it will be better
perhaps--and this time there was no fainting nor anything very wrong
... not even cowardice on the part of the victim (be it recorded!) for
one of my sisters was as usual in authority and ordered the turning
back just according to her own prudence and not my selfwill. Only you
will not, any of you, ask me to admit that it was all
delightful--pleasanter work than what you wanted to spare me in taking
care of your roses on Saturday! don't ask _that_, and I will try it
again presently.
I ought to be ashamed of writing this I and me-ism--but since your
kindness made it worth while asking about I must not be over-wise and
silent on my side.
_Tuesday._--Was it fair to tell me to write though, and be silent of
the 'Duchess,' and when I was sure to be so delighted--and _you knew
it_? _I_ think not indeed. And, to make the obedience possible, I go
on fast to say that I heard from Mr. Horne a few days since and that
_he_ said--'your envelope reminds me of'--_you_, he said ... and so,
asked if you were in England still, and meant to write to you. To
which I have answered that I believe you to be in England--thinking it
strange about the envelope; which, as far as I remember, was one of
those long ones, used, the more conveniently to enclose to him back
again a MS. of his own I had offered with another of his, by his
desire, to _Colburn's Magazine_, as the productions of a friend of
mine, when he was in Germany and afraid of his proper fatal
onymousness, yet in difficulty how to approach the magazines as a
nameless writer (you will not mention this of course). And when he was
in Germany, I remember, ... writing just as your first letter came ...
that I mentioned it to him, and was a little frankly proud of it! but
since, your name has not occurred once--not once, certainly!--and it
is strange.... Only he _can't_ have heard of your having been here,
and it _must_ have been a chance-remark--altogether! taking an
imaginary emphasis from my evil conscience perhaps. Talking of evils,
how wrong of you to make that book for me! and how ill I thanked you
after all! Also, I couldn't help feeling more grateful still for the
Duchess ... who is under ban: and for how long I wonder?
My dear friend, I am ever yours,