"----but to stick to my route
'Twill be hard, if some novelty can't be struck out.
Is there no Algerine, no Kamschatkan arrived?
No plenipo-pacha, three-tail'd and three wived?
No Russian, whose dissonant, consonant name
Almost rattles to fragments the trumpet of fame?
POSTSCRIPT.
By-the-bye, have you found any friend who can construe
That Latin account, t'other day, of a monster?
If we can't get a Russian--and that story in Latin
Be not _too_ improper, I think I'll bring that in."
MOORE.
A few mornings after this colloquy with his uncle, Newton was very busy
perambulating the streets of London, in search of various requisites for
his trip to India, when his hand was seized before he had time to call to
mind the features of the party who shook it with such apparent warmth.
"My dear Mr Forster, I am so delighted to see you, so happy to hear of your
gallant adventure with the French squadron. Mrs Plausible will be quite
pleased at meeting her old shipmate; she often talks about you. I must make
sure of you," continued the doctor, drawing from his pocket a large packet
of cards, and inserting at the top of one Newton Forster's name with his
pencil. "This is an invitation to our _conversazione_ of to-morrow night,
which you must do us the honour to accept. We shall have all the scientific
men of the day, and a very pretty sprinkling of nobility, if not something
more. However, you will see. Shall I tell Mrs Plausible that you will come,
or will you disappoint her?"
"Why," replied Newton, "if I possibly can I will. I presume the hour is not
very precise?"
"O no, from nine until two or three; but if you wish to see great people,
about eleven is the exact time."
"Well, then," replied Newton, "the time which suits great people also suits
me. I hope Mrs Plausible is quite well."
"Quite well, I thank you. Good-bye;" and Dr Plausible hurried off so
quickly, that Newton was induced to look after him, to ascertain what could
induce such precipitation. He perceived Dr Plausible shaking hands warmly
with another gentleman, and after a few seconds the packet of cards was
again pulled out of his pocket, and the pencil in requisition. It will be
necessary to go back a little, to acquaint the reader with what had
occurred since the acceptation of Dr Plausible by Miss Tavistock, when they
were on board of the _Bombay Castle_. On their arrival at Madras, Miss
Tavistock's early and dearest friend, who resided in the up-country, had
commissioned an acquaintance to receive Miss Tavistock until they could
make arrangements for her journey to the interior. By this female
acquaintance Miss Tavistock was kindly welcomed, and received into her
house; but Miss Tavistock's prospects having altered, so had all her
devoted attachment to the friend of her early years. She wrote, announcing
her intended change of condition, and regretting that Dr Plausible's
affairs, requiring his immediate presence in England, would prevent her
having the delight of embracing one, who was so entwined round her heart.
The letter was nevertheless very cold, and Miss Tavistock was very much
abused by her dearest friend, who, disappointed in her expectations, did
not even condescend an answer. In a week Miss Tavistock was united to Dr
Plausible; and in less than a fortnight afterwards they were on their
passage home. Dr Plausible found that his wife's report of her
circumstances was correct, and that now he had the means of keeping his
carriage and of seeing company, in moderation. Shortly after their return,
Dr Plausible took the lease of a house in a betwixt and between fashionable
street, and not wishing to remain idle, attempted to get into practice as
an accoucheur; for although the fortune brought by his wife was
considerable, still, to keep his carriage in London, he was obliged "to
sail nearer to the wind" in other points than he found agreeable: moreover
he was ambitious. A night-bell, with "night-bell" in capital letters over
it, that people might be aware in the broad day that it was a night-bell,
which of course they could not read in the dark, was attached to one side
of the street door. It was as loud as an alarum-bell, and when rung, was to
be heard from No. 12 to No. 44, in the street where Dr Plausible resided.
There are little secrets in all trades; and one is, how to obtain practice
as a medical man, which whole mystery consists in making people believe
that you have a great deal. When this is credited, practice immediately
follows; and Dr Plausible was aware of the fact. At first setting off, his
carriage drew up to the door occasionally, and stood there for some time,
when the doctor made his appearance, and stepped in. He then took a round
of about three hours through every fashionable part of the town, sitting
well forward, that everybody might see him, apparently examining his
visiting-book. At times he would pull up at some distinguished person's
door, when there were two or three carriages before him, and getting out,
would go in to the porter to ask some frivolous question. Another _ruse_
was, to hammer at some titled mansion, and inquire for another titled
person, by mistake. This occupied the morning; after which Doctor Plausible
returned home. During the first month the night-bell was rung two or three
times a week by the watchman, who was fee'd for his trouble; but after that
period it increased its duties, until it was in motion once, if not twice,
every night, and his disturbed neighbours wished Doctor Plausible and his
extensive practice at the devil. The carriage also was now rattled to the
door in a hurry, and Doctor Plausible was seen to enter it with his case of
instruments, and drive off with rapidity, sometimes twice a day. In the
meantime, Mrs Plausible did her part, as she extended her acquaintance with
her neighbours. She constantly railed against a medical husband; declared
that Doctor Plausible was never at home, and it was impossible to say at
what hour they might dine. The tables also were strewed with the cards of
great and fashionable people, obtained by Doctor Plausible from a
celebrated engraver's shop, by a douceur to the shopman, when the master
was absent. At last, Doctor Plausible's instruments were used in good
earnest; and, although not known or even heard of in the fashionable world,
he was sent for by the would-be-fashionables, because they imagined that he
was employed by their betters. Now it so happened that in the same street
there lived another medical man, almost a prototype of Doctor Plausible,
only not quite so well off in the world. His name was Doctor Feasible. His
practice was not extensive, and he was encumbered with a wife and large
family. He also very naturally wished to extend his practice and his
reputation; and, after many fruitless attempts, he at last hit upon a
scheme which he thought promised to be successful.
"My dear," said he, one morning to his wife, "I am thinking of getting up a
_conversazione_."
"A _conversazione_, my love!--why, is not that a very expensive affair?"
"Why, not very. But if it brings me practice, it will be money well laid
out."
"Yes, my love, if it does, and if we had the money to lay out."
"Something must be done. I have hardly a patient left. I have an idea that
it will succeed. Go, my dear, and make up this prescription, and let the
boy take it to Mrs Bluestone's. I wish I had a couple of dozen patients
like her. I write her prescription, take my fee, and then, that I may be
sure that it is properly made up, I volunteer to take it to the chemist's
myself."
"Pray, what is the complaint of Mrs Bluestone, my love?"
"Nothing; she over-eats herself--that's all. Abernethy would cure her in
twenty-four hours."
"Well, but, my love, about this _conversazione_?"
"Go and make up the prescription, my dear, and we'll talk the matter over
afterwards."
They did so. A list of the people they were acquainted with was drawn out,
the expense calculated, and the affair settled.
The first point to be considered was the size of the cards.
"These, my love," said Mrs Feasible, who came in from a long walk, with her
bonnet still on, "these are three shillings and sixpence a hundred; and
these, which are a size larger, are four-and-sixpence. Which do you think
we ought to have?"
"Why, really, my dear, when one sends out so many, I do not see why we
should incur unnecessary expense. The three-and-sixpenny ones are quite
large enough."
"And the engraving will be fourteen shillings."
"Well, that will only be a first expense. _Conversazione_ in old English,
of course."
"And here, my love, are the ribbons for the maids' caps and sashes; I
bought them at Waterloo House, very cheap, and a very pretty candle-light
colour."
"Did you speak to them about their gowns?"
"Yes, my love; Sally and Peggy have each a white gown, Betty I can lend one
of my own."
The difference between a _conversazione_ and a rout is simply this:--in the
former you are expected to talk or listen, but to be too ethereal to eat.
In the latter, to be squeezed in a crowd, and eat ices, &c., to cool
yourselves. A _conversazione_ has, therefore, a great advantage over the
latter, as far as the pocket is concerned, it being much cheaper to procure
food for the mind than food for the body. It would appear that tea has been
as completely established the beverage of modern scientific men, as nectar
was formerly that of the gods. The Athenæum gives tea; and I observed in a
late newspaper, that Lord G---- has promised tea to the Geographical
Society. Had his lordship been aware that there was a beverage invented on
board ship much more appropriate to the science over which he presides than
tea, I feel convinced he would have substituted it immediately; and I
therefore take this opportunity of informing him that sailors have long
made use of a compound which actually goes by the name of _geo-graffy_,
which is only a trifling corruption of the name of the science, arising
from their habit of laying the accent upon the penultimate. I will now give
his lordship the receipt, which is most simple.
Take a tin pot, go to the scuttle-butt (having obtained permission from the
quarter-deck), and draw off about half a pint of very offensive-smelling
water. To this add a gill of vinegar and a ship's buscuit broken up into
small pieces. Stir it well up with the fore-finger; and then, with the
fore-finger and thumb, you may pull out the pieces of buscuit, and eat them
as fast as you please, drinking the liquor to wash all down.
Now this would be the very composition to hand round to the Geographical
Society. It is not christened geography without a reason; the vinegar and
water representing the green sea, and the pieces of buscuit floating in it
the continents and islands which are washed by it.
Now, my lord, do not you thank me for my communication?
But we must return to the _conversazione_ of Doctor and Mrs Feasible.
The company arrived. There was rap after rap. The whole street was
astounded with the noise of the wheels and the rattling of the iron steps
of the hackney-coaches. Doctor Feasible had procured some portfolios of
prints; some Indian idols from a shop in Wardour Street, duly labelled and
christened, and several other odds and ends to create matter of
conversation. The company consisted of several medical gentlemen and their
wives, the great Mr B----, and the facetious Mr C----. There were ten or
twelve authors, or gentlemen suspected of authorship, fourteen or fifteen
chemists, all scientific of course, one colonel, half-a-dozen captains, and
to crown all, a city knight and his lady, besides their general
acquaintance, unscientific and unprofessional. For a beginning this was
very well; and the company departed very hungry, but highly delighted with
their evening's entertainment.
"What can all that noise be about?" said Mrs Plausible to her husband, who
was sitting with her in the drawing-room, reading the _Lancet_, while she
knotted, or _did not_.
"I am sure I cannot tell, Mrs Plausible."
"There, again! I'm sure if I have heard one, I have heard thirty raps at a
door within this quarter of an hour. I'm determined I will know what it
is," continued Mrs Plausible, getting up, and ringing the bell.
"Thomas, do you know what all that noise is about?" said Mrs Plausible,
when the servant answered the bell.
"No, ma'am, I doesn't."
"Well, then, go and see."
"Yes, ma'am."
The impatience of Mrs Plausible, during the absence of Thomas, increased
with the repetition of the knocks.
"Well, Thomas?" said she, as the footman entered.
"If you please, ma'am, Mr Feasible has got a conwersation--that's all."
"Got a what?"
"A _conversazione_ he means, my dear. It's very strange that Doctor
Feasible should pretend to give such a thing!"
"I think so too," replied the lady. "He keeps no carriage. What can be his
inducement?"
"I perceive," replied Dr Plausible, "he wants to get practice. Depend upon
it, that's his plan. A sprat to catch mackerel!"
Husband and wife were again silent, and resumed their occupations; but the
_Lancet_ was not read, and the knotting was all in knots, for they were
both in a brown study. At last, Mrs Plausible commenced:--
"I really do not see, my dear, why we should not give a _conversazione_ as
well as Doctor Feasible."
"I was just thinking that we could give them much better; our acquaintance
now is very numerous."
"And very respectable," replied the lady; "it will make us more known in
the world."
"And add to my practice. I'll soon beat Doctor Feasible out of the field!"
The result of this conversation was a _conversazione_, which certainly was
on a much better scale, and better attended than the one collected by
Doctor Feasible. Doctor Plausible had pumped a mutual acquaintance as to
the merits of his rival, and had set to work with great diligence.
He ordered his carriage, and for two or three days previous to the one
fixed, went round to all his friends who had curiosities, foreign,
indigenous, or continental, admired them, talked learnedly, expressed a
wish to exhibit them to several gentlemen of talent at his next
_conversazione_, pulled out a card for the party, and succeeded in
returning home with his carriage stuffed with curiosities and
monstrosities.
Negus and cherry-water were added to tea in the refreshment-room; and the
_conversazione_ of Doctor Plausible was pronounced by those who had been
invited to both, infinitely superior to that of Doctor Feasible. A
good-natured friend called upon Doctor and Mrs Feasible with the news. They
pretended indifference, as they bit their lips to conceal their vexation.
As soon as he took his leave--
"Well, my dear," said Mrs Feasible, "what do you think of this? Very
unhandsome on the part of Doctor Plausible! I was told this morning that
several of our acquaintances have expressed a wish to be introduced to
him."
"We must not give up the point, my love. Doctor Plausible may make a splash
once; but I suspect that his horses eat him out of house and home, and
interfere very much with the butcher's bills. If so, we who keep no
carriage can afford it better. But it's very annoying, as there will be an
increase of expense."
"Very annoying, indeed!" replied the lady. "Look at his card, my dear, it
is nearly twice as large as ours. I begged it of Mr Tomkins, on purpose to
compare it."
"Well, then, my dear, we must order others, and mind that they measure an
inch more than his. It shall cost him something before we have done, I'm
determined."
"You heard what Mr Smithson said? They gave negus and cherry-water."
"We must do the same. I've a great mind to give ices."
"Oh! my love, remember the expense."
"Very true; but we can ice our negus and cherry-water. Rough ice is only
twopence a pound, I believe."
"Well, that will be an improvement."
"And there shall be more, or I'll be in the Bench," replied the doctor, in
his wrath.
The next _conversazione_ for which cards were issued by Doctor Feasible,
was on a superior scale. There was a considerable increase of company. He
had persuaded a country baronet; secured the patronage of two ladies of
rank (with a slight blot on their escutcheons), and collected, amongst
others, a French count (or adventurer), a baron with mustachios, two German
students in their costumes and long hair, and an actress of some
reputation. He had also procured the head of a New Zealand chief; some red
snow, or rather, red water (for it was melted), brought home by Captain
Ross; a piece of granite from the Croker mountains; a kitten in spirits,
with two heads and twelve legs; and half-a-dozen abortions of the feathered
or creeping tribes. Everything went off well. The two last fees he had
received were sacrificed to have the party announced in the _Morning Post_,
and Doctor Feasible's triumph was complete.
But it was not to last long. In ten days Dr Plausible's cards were again
issued, larger than Dr Feasible's, and with a handsome embossed border of
lilies and roses. Male attendants, tea and coffee, ices and liqueurs were
prepared; and Dr Feasible's heart failed him, when he witnessed the ingress
and egress of the pastrycooks, with their boxes on their heads. Among his
company he had already mustered up five celebrated blues; four ladies of
quality, of better reputation than Dr Feasible's; seven or eight baronets
and knights; a bishop of Fernando Po; three or four general officers; and a
dozen French and German visitors to the country, who had not only titles,
but wore orders at their button-holes. Thus far had he advanced, when he
met Newton Forster, and added him to the list of the invited. In about two
hours afterwards, Dr Plausible returned home to his wife, radiant with
smiles.
"My dear, who _do_ you think has promised to come to-morrow night?"
"Who, my love?"
"Prince Fizzybelli!"
"You don't say so?" screamed the lady with her delight.
"Yes, most faithfully promised."
"What _will_ the Feasibles say?" cried the lady;--"but--is he a real
prince?"
"A real prince! O yes, indeed is he! well known in Tartary."
"Well, Dr Plausible, I have good news for you. Here is a note from Mr
H----, in answer to yours, in which he promises you the loan of the wax
figure from Germany, of a female in the first stage of par--partu--I can't
make out the word."
"Excellent! most excellent!" cried the doctor, rubbing his hand; "now we
_shall_ do."
Newton, who had some curiosity to see a _conversazione_, which to him was a
_terra incognita_, did not fail to go at the appointed hour. He was ushered
upstairs into the drawing-room, at the door of which he was received by Mrs
Plausible, in blue and silver. The rooms not being very large, were
extremely crowded, and Newton at one moment found himself jammed against
some curiosity, and at another treading on the toes or heels of people, who
accepted his apologies, looking daggers, and with a snarling "don't mention
it."
But a thundering knock at the door was followed by the announcement of His
Highness Prince Fizzybelli--Prince Fizzybelli at the door--Prince
Fizzybelli coming up--Prince Fizzybelli (enters).
Had it been permitted, Dr Plausible would have received his guest with a
flourish of trumpets, as great men are upon the stage, without which it is
impossible now-a-days to know a great man from a little one. However, the
hired attendants did their duty, and the name of Fizzybelli was fizzed
about the room in every direction. Dr Plausible trod on the corns of old
Lady G------, upset Miss Periwinkle, and nearly knocked down a French
_savant_, in his struggle to obtain the door to receive his honoured guest,
who made a bow, looked at the crowd--looked at the chandelier--looked at
his watch, and looked very tired in the course of five minutes, when Prince
Fizzybelli ordered his carriage, and was off.
Newton, who had examined several very strange things which occupied the
tables about the room, at last made his way to the ante-room, where the
crowd was much more dense than elsewhere. Taking it for granted that there
was something interesting to be seen, he persevered until he had forced his
way to the centre, when what was his astonishment when he beheld under a
long glass-case a figure of a woman modelled in wax, of exact and certainly
of beautiful proportion! It was as large as life, and in a state of perfect
nudity. The face lifted up, and discovered the muscles beneath; in fact,
every part of the image could be removed, and presented to the curious
every part of the human frame, modelled exact, and coloured. Newton was
indeed astonished: he had witnessed several articles in the other room,
which he had considered more fitted for the museum of an institution than a
drawing-room; but this was indeed a novelty; and when, to crown all, he
witnessed certain little _demireps_ of science, who fancied that not to be
ashamed was now as much a proof of knowledge, as in our first parents it
was of innocence, and who eyed the figure without turning away from it or
blushing, he quitted the room with disgust, and returned home quite
satisfied with one _conversazione_.
I am not partial to blues: generally speaking, ladies do not take up
science until they find that the men will not take up them; and a
remarkably clever woman by reputation is too often a remarkably unpleasant
or a remarkably ugly one. But there are exceptions; exceptions that a
nation may be proud of--women who can fulfil their duties to their husbands
and their children, to their God and to their neighbour, although endowed
with minds more powerful than is allotted to one man in tens of thousands.
These are heavenly blues; and, among the few, no one shines more
pre-eminent than my dear Mrs S----e.
However, whether Newton was satisfied or not, this _conversazione_ was a
finisher to Dr Feasible, who resigned the contest. Dr Plausible not only
carried away the palm--but, what was still worse, he carried off the
"practice!"