“I’ve got you at last,” he cried, “move if you dare, move! It’s taken me
many years, but at last I’ve got you where I want you! Now I dare you to
move!”
“Yep, you’re right,” replied his friend, “it’s the first game of checkers
you ever did win from me.”
_Questions and Answers_
=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—If your pedigreed bull is a thoroughbred, why not
have him registered?—=_Simon Simple._=
No use to register him; he couldn’t vote anyway.
* * * * *
=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—My wife is getting too strenuous. The other day
she broke a plate over my head. What would you advise me to do?—=_Nyce
Boise._=
You might try cast iron plates.
* * * * *
=_Dear Capt. Bill_=—Please define love?—=_Amorous Annabelle._=
Love is the psychology of youth; the subtle sympathy that blends the
world into a thing of joy and pleasure unrestrained.
* * * * *
=_Dear Bill_=—Is “The Eternal Triangle” a play or a book?—=_Innocent
Imogene._=
It’s a heart-throbbing and soul-stirring play, Imogene, in which all
humans have at some time or other enacted a leading part—Adam and Eve
excepted. In fact I feel certain that neither Adam or Eve ever “Cribbed”
in the University of Paradise with its rapturous courses of enchantment.
There’s a reason.
* * * * *
=_Dear Skipper_=—What epidemics were suffered by United States troops
during the World War?—=_Si Frever._=
Spanish influenza and American Shavetails. Both were rather annoying at
times, as any doughboy will tell you.
* * * * *
=_Dear Farmer Bill_=—Being as how you are a tiller of the soil, I suppose
you’re familiar with the “Black Eye Susan?”—=_Nick Nack._=
No, Nick, I never met the lady, but I know the gentlemen who gave it to
her.
* * * * *
=_Dear Bill_=—Is there very much difference in women as a whole?—=_King
Young._=
They’re all alike, young man, except they’ve got different names.
* * * * *
=_Dear Skipper_=—What is meant by “The Port of Missing Men?”—=_Berry M.
Deep._=
Ladies’ night in a Turkish bath.
* * * * *
=_Dear Skipper_=—Who are the leading Turkish rulers?—=_Jack Sellers._=
Pasha Hat, Mustapha Beer and Esaad Enuf.
* * * * *
=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is your best definition of a
diplomat?—=_Phillis Fullabunk._=
A diplomat, Phillis, is a man who, when he gets home late, sneaks into
bed backwards so that if his wife awakes he can tell her he is just
getting up.
* * * * *
=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—Will you please tell me who invented apple
sauce?—=_Anna Nyas._=
William Tell. He shot the apple off his son’s head and they all had apple
sauce for supper.
* * * * *
=_Dear Captain Bill_=—Don’t you think a woman is everything in the
world?—=_Tiddledewinks._=
Yes, indeed—everything I can think of.
* * * * *
=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is the easiest way to drive a nail without
smashing my fingers?—=_Ab Doman._=
Hold the hammer in both hands.
* * * * *
=_Dear Whiz Bang Bill_=—What is your idea of the height of
absentmindedness?—=_Lou Z. Lizzie._=
The professor who woke up at daylight and found a fair lady beside him,
much to his astonishment, having forgotten that he had married the night
before.
* * * * *
=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—Can you give me a good remedy for toothache?—=_Holey
G. Macknaw._=
Fill the mouth with cold water and sit on a hot stove till the water
boils.
* * * * *
=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is good to keep hair in?—=_Baldy Bozo._=
A cigar box.
* * * * *
Preacher—Take up the collection before I start preaching.
Why?
Preacher—Because I’m going to preach on thrift.
* * * * *
Sunday School Teacher—“Percy, what must we do before our sins can be
forgiven?”
Percy—“Sin.”
* * * * *
Proudie! Proudie!
A well-known actor was introduced to a chap who didn’t strike him
particularly because he was prejudiced against men who talk in soprano
voices. The next time they met he ignored the fellow entirely. A few days
later he ran across the fellow again, but his face was still frozen.
The fourth meeting occurred in a cafe, and he of the soprano voice
waltzed up to the disgusted actor’s table.
“Do you know,” he said, “we have met three times and you weally haven’t
noticed me?” Then with a sibilant lisp in a high C that nobody in the
cafe could miss, he gave the actor three little dabs on the shoulder and
squeaked, “Proudie! Proudie! Proudie!”
* * * * *