central power within the limits of my own chamber, and without
consulting a living soul, there were theatricals in the evening. To go
to them, it was necessary to pass through my mother's apartments. The
Empress, the Grand Duke, and the whole court were there. A little
theatre had been erected in a riding-school, which, in the time of the
Empress Anne, had been used by the Duke of Courland, whose apartments I
now occupied. After the play, when the Empress had retired, the Countess
Roumianzoff came into my room, and told me that the Empress disapproved
of the arrangement I had made in distributing the care of my effects
among my women, and that she was ordered to withdraw the keys of my
jewels out of the hands of Mademoiselle Joukoff, and restore them to
Mademoiselle Schenck, which she did in my presence, and then departed,
leaving Mademoiselle Joukoff and me with faces somewhat elongated, and
Mademoiselle Schenck triumphing in the marked confidence of the Empress.
She began to assume with me arrogant airs, which made her more
ridiculous than ever, and even less amiable than she had been before.
The first week of Lent I had a singular scene with the Grand Duke. In
the morning, while in my room with my maids, who were all very devout,
listening to matins, which were sung in the ante-chamber, I received an
embassy from the Grand Duke. He had sent me his dwarf to inquire how I
was, and to tell me that, on account of its being Lent, he should not
visit me that day. The dwarf found us all listening to the prayers, and
fulfilling exactly the prescriptions of Lent, according to our creed. I
returned the usual compliments to the Duke, through his dwarf, who then
departed. When he got back, whether it was that he had really been
edified by what he had seen, or that he wished his dear lord and master,
who was anything but devout, to do the same, he passed a high eulogium
upon the devotion which reigned in my apartments, and, by doing so, put
the Duke in a very bad humour with me. The first time we met he began by
sulking. Having asked the cause of this, he scolded me very much for
what he called the excessive devotion to which I gave myself up. When I
asked who had told him this, he named his dwarf as an eye-witness of it.
I told him I did no more than was proper, only what every one else did,
and what could not be dispensed with without scandal; but he thought
differently. The dispute ended as most disputes do, by leaving each one
with his own opinion; but, as his Imperial Highness had no one but me to
speak to during mass, he gradually left off pouting.
Two days after, I had another alarm. In the morning, while matins were
being sung in my apartments, Mademoiselle Schenck entered my room in
great consternation, telling me that my mother had been taken ill, and
had fainted. I instantly ran to her, and found her lying on the ground
on a mattress, but not unconscious. I ventured to ask her what was the
matter. She told me, that wishing to be bled, the surgeon was so clumsy
as to miss four times, having tried both arms and both feet, and that
she had fainted. I knew that she dreaded bleeding; I was ignorant of her
intention in wishing to be bled, and did not even know that she stood in
need of it. Yet she reproached me with caring little for her condition,
and said many disagreeable things on the subject. I excused myself in
the best way I could, acknowledging my ignorance; but, seeing that she
was in a very bad humour, I became silent, and endeavoured to restrain
my tears, nor did I leave her till she had desired me to do so with some
degree of harshness. On my return to my room, in tears, my maids wanted
to know what was the matter, and I told them quite simply. I went
several times during the day to my mother's room, and remained there as
long as I thought I could do so without being troublesome. This was a
capital point with her, to which I was so well accustomed, that there is
nothing I have so carefully avoided during my life as remaining with any
one longer than I was wanted. I have made it a point instantly to retire
whenever the least suspicion crossed my mind that my farther stay would
be an inconvenience. But I know by experience that every one does not
act upon the same principle, for my own patience has often been put to
the test by those who do not know how to go away before they have worn
out their welcome or become a source of weariness.
In the course of the Lent, my mother had a grief which was very real. At
a time when it was least expected, she received the news of the sudden
death of my younger sister, Elizabeth, a child only between three and
four years old. She was very much afflicted, and I grieved also.
One morning, some few days afterwards, I saw the Empress come into my
room. She sent for my mother, and they retired to my dressing-room,
where they had a long and private conversation; after which they
returned into my bed-room, and I saw that my mother's eyes were red and
filled with tears. From the sequence of the conversation I understood
that they had been talking about the death of the Emperor Charles VII,
of the house of Bavaria, the news of which had just reached the Empress.
Her Majesty was then without alliance, and she hesitated between Prussia
and the house of Austria, each of which had their partisans. She had the
same complaint against Austria as against France, towards which the King
of Prussia leaned, for the Marquis de Botta, the minister of the court
of Vienna had been sent away from Russia for speaking against the
Empress--an act which at the time it was sought to represent as a
conspiracy. The Marquis de la Chétardie had been similarly dismissed for
the same reasons. I do not know what was the object of this
conversation, but my mother seemed to conceive great hopes from it, and
went away very well satisfied. As for me, I was in all this simply a
spectator, and one, too, very passive, very discreet, and pretty nearly
indifferent.
After Easter, when the spring had fully set in, I expressed to the
Countess Roumianzoff the desire I had to learn to ride, and she obtained
the consent of the Empress. I had begun to have pains in the chest at
the commencement of the year, after the pleurisy I had had in Moscow,
and I was still very thin. The doctors ordered me milk and Seltzer water
every morning. It was at Roumianzoff House, in the barracks of the
Ismaïlofsky regiment, that I took my first lesson in riding. I had
already ridden several times at Moscow, but very badly.
In the month of May, the Empress, with the Grand Duke, went to occupy
the Summer Palace. To my mother and I had been assigned a stone
building, by the side of the Fontanka, close to the house of Peter I. My
mother occupied one side of this building, and I the other. Here ended
all the assiduities of the Grand Duke; he told me quite plainly, and
through a servant, that he now lived too far off to come and see me
often. I fully perceived his want of interest, and how little I was
cared for. My self-esteem and vanity grieved in silence, but I was too
proud to complain. I should have thought myself degraded if any one had
shown me a friendship which I could have taken for pity. Nevertheless, I
shed tears when alone, then quietly dried them up, and went to romp with
my maids. My mother also treated me with great coldness and ceremony,
but I never missed visiting her several times during the day. At heart I
felt very sad, but I took care not to speak of this. However,
Mademoiselle Joukoff one day perceived my tears, and spoke to me on the
subject. I gave her the best reasons I could, without however giving her
the true ones. I laboured more earnestly than before to gain the
affection of every one. Great or small, I neglected no one, but laid it
down to myself as a rule to believe that I stood in need of every one,
and so to act in consequence as to obtain the good will of all; and I
succeeded in doing so.
After some days' stay in the Summer Palace, where people began to speak
of the preparations for my marriage, the court removed to Peterhoff,
where it was more concentrated than in the city. The Empress and the
Grand Duke occupied the upper portion of the house built by Peter I; my
mother and I were beneath, in the apartments of the Grand Duke. We dined
with him every day, under a tent, upon the open gallery adjoining his
apartments; he supped with us. The Empress was often absent, moving
about among her different country residences. We were out a good deal,
walking, riding, or driving. I then saw as clear as day, that the
persons about the Grand Duke had lost all credit with him, and all
control over him. The military games, which he formerly carried on in
private, he now enacted almost in their presence. Count Brummer and his
head master scarcely ever saw him, except to follow him in public. The
rest of his time was literally passed, in the company of his valets, in
acts of childishness unheard of at his age, for he played at puppets.
My mother took advantage of the absences of the Empress to go and sup at
the neighbouring mansions, and especially at that of the Prince and
Princess of Hesse-Homburg. One evening when she had ridden out there, I
was sitting, after supper, in my room, which was on a level with the
garden, one of the doors leading into it, when I felt tempted by the
fine weather. I proposed to my maids and my three ladies of honour to
take a walk in the garden; and I had no great trouble in persuading
them. We were eight, and my valet, who made nine, followed us with two
other valets. We walked about till midnight in the most innocent manner
possible. My mother having returned, Mademoiselle Schenck, who had
refused to accompany us, and grumbled at our project, was in a great
hurry to tell her that I had gone out against her advice. My mother went
to bed, and when I got back with my troop, Mademoiselle Schenck told me,
with an air of triumph, that my mother had sent twice to inquire if I
had returned, as she wished to speak to me; but that as it was very
late, and she tired of waiting, she had gone to bed. I would have
instantly gone to her, but I found the door closed. I told Schenck that
she might have had me called. She pretended that she had not been able
to find us; but this was a mere story to make a quarrel, and get me
scolded; I saw this clearly, and went to bed with a good deal of
uneasiness. The following day, as soon as I awoke, I went to my mother
and found her in bed. I approached to kiss her hand, but she angrily
withdrew it, and gave me a dreadful scolding for having dared to walk
out at night without her permission. I said she was not at home; but she
replied that the hour was improper, and said all sorts of disagreeable
things, for the purpose, seemingly, of giving me a distaste for
nocturnal promenades. This, however, is certain, that although this walk
may have been an imprudence, nothing could have been more innocent. What
most distressed me was, that she accused me of having gone up to the
apartments of the Grand Duke. I replied that this was an abominable
calumny, at which she became so enraged that she seemed out of herself.
It was in vain that I went on my knees to soothe her irritation. She
treated my submission as acting, and ordered me out of the room. I
retired to my own apartments in tears. At dinner-time I ascended with
her, she still being very angry, to the apartments of the Grand Duke,
who inquired what was the matter, as my eyes were very red. I told him
exactly what had happened. This time he took my part, and accused my
mother of being capricious and passionate. I begged him not to speak to
her on the subject, which request he complied with, and by degrees her
anger wore off; but I was always treated very coldly. We left Peterhoff
at the end of July, and returned to the city, where all was preparation
for the approaching marriage.
At last the Empress fixed the 21st of August for the ceremony. As the
day came nearer, I became more and more melancholy. My heart predicted
but little happiness; ambition alone sustained me. In my inmost soul
there was a something which never allowed me to doubt for a single
moment that sooner or later I should become the sovereign Empress of
Russia in my own right.
The marriage was celebrated with much pomp and magnificence. In the
evening I found in my room Madame Krause, sister of the head lady's-maid
to the Empress, who had placed her with me as my head lady's-maid. From
the very next day I found that this person had thrown all my other women
into consternation, for on approaching one of them to speak to her, as
usual, she said to me, "In God's name, do not come near me; we have been
forbidden to whisper to you." On the other hand, my beloved spouse did
not trouble himself in the slightest degree about me, but was constantly
with his valets, playing at soldiers, exercising them in his room, or
changing his uniform twenty times a-day. I yawned, and grew weary,
having no one to speak to; or I endeavoured to keep up appearances. On
the third day after my marriage, the Countess Roumianzoff Sent me word
that the Empress had dispensed with her attendance on me, and that she
was going to return home to her husband and children. This did not
grieve me much, for she had been the cause of a great deal of scandal.
The marriage festivities lasted ten days, at the end of which the Grand
Duke and myself took up our residence in the Summer Palace, where the
Empress was living; and the departure of my mother was beginning to be
talked of. Since my marriage I did not see her every day; but she had
very much softened towards me. About the latter end of September she
took her departure, the Grand Duke and I accompanying her as far as
Krasnoe-Selo. I was sincerely afflicted, and wept a great deal. After
taking leave of her we returned to the city. On reaching the palace I
called for Mademoiselle Joukoff. I was told that she had gone to see her
mother who was ill. The next day I put the same question, and received
the same answer. About noon the Empress passed with great pomp from the
Summer to the Winter Palace. We followed her to her apartments. Having
reached the state bed-room she stopped, and, after some casual remarks,
spoke of my mother's departure, and told me, with apparent kindness, to
moderate my grief. But I thought I should have dropped when she said, in
the presence of some thirty people, that at my mother's request she had
dismissed from my service Mademoiselle Joukoff, because my mother feared
I might become too much attached to a person who so little deserved my
favour; and then her Majesty spoke very pointedly against the poor girl.
I certainly was no way edified with this scene, nor convinced of what
her Majesty advanced; but I was deeply afflicted at the misfortune of
poor Joukoff, dismissed from court solely because, from her sociable
disposition, she suited me better than my other women. "For why," as I
said to myself, "was she placed with me if she was not worthy?" My
mother could not know her, could not even speak to her, as she did not
understand Russian, the only language with which Joukoff was acquainted;
she could only have been guided by the silly remarks of Schenck, who
scarcely possessed common sense. This girl suffers for me, I said to
myself; I must not, therefore, abandon her in her misfortune, of which
my affection has been the sole cause. I have never been able to learn
whether or not my mother really had requested the Empress to dismiss
this person from my service; if so, she must have preferred violent
measures to those of mildness, for she never opened her lips to me in
reference to the girl; and yet a single word from her would have been
sufficient to put me on my guard, at least, against an attachment in
itself very innocent. The Empress, also, might have acted with less
austerity. The girl was young: it was only necessary to have found a
suitable match for her, which might easily have been done; but instead
of this they acted in the manner I have mentioned.
The Empress having dismissed us, the Grand Duke and I proceeded to our
own apartments. On our way, I perceived that her Majesty had already
acquainted her nephew with what she had done. I stated to him my
objections on the subject, and made him understand that this girl was
unfortunate solely because it was supposed that I had a liking for her;
and that since she was suffering on account of my affection, I thought
myself justified in not abandoning her, as far, at all events, as
depended on myself. In fact, I immediately sent her some money, through
my valet; but he informed me that she had already departed for Moscow
with her mother and sister. I ordered what I had destined for her to be
sent through her brother, who was a sergeant in the guards. I learnt
that he also, together with his wife, had been ordered away, and that he
had been placed as an officer in a country regiment. At the present time
I am scarcely able to give any plausible explanation of these things; it
seems to me like doing wrong gratis, and from mere caprice, without a
shadow of reason, or even of pretext. But matters did not stop even
here. Through my valet and my other attendants, I endeavoured to find
for Mademoiselle Joukoff a suitable match. One was proposed to me: it
was a sergeant in the guards, a gentleman of some property, named
Travin. He went to Moscow to marry her, provided she suited him. He did
marry her, and was made lieutenant in a country regiment. As soon as the
Empress heard of this, she banished them both to Astracan. It is
difficult to find a reason for such persecution.
At the Winter Palace, the Grand Duke and I occupied the apartments which
we had previously used; those of the Duke were separated from mine by an
immense staircase, which also led to the apartments of the Empress. In
going to him, or in his coming to me, it was necessary to cross the
landing of this staircase--not the pleasantest thing in the world,
especially in winter. Nevertheless, we made the passage several times
a-day. In the evening, I went to play at billiards in his ante-chamber
with the Chamberlain Berkholz, while he romped with his gentlemen in the
other room. My party at billiards was interrupted by the retirement of
Brummer and Berkholz, whom the Empress dismissed from attendance on the
Grand Duke, at the end of the winter of 1746. This winter was passed in
masquerades given at the principal houses in the city, which were then
very small. The court and the whole town assisted at them regularly.
The last of them was given by the Master-General of the Police,
Tatizcheff, in a house called Smolnoy Dvoretz, belonging to the Empress.
The centre portion of this wooden house had been destroyed by a fire;
nothing remained but the wings, which were of two stories. One of these
wings was set apart for dancing; but in order to go to supper, which was
laid out in the other, it was necessary to pass, and this in the month
of January, through the court-yard and the snow. After supper this
journey had to be repeated. The Grand Duke returned home, and went to
bed, but the next morning he awoke with a violent headache, which
prevented him from rising. I sent for the doctors, who pronounced him in
a burning fever of the most violent kind. He was carried in the evening
from my bed to the audience-chamber, where, after being bled, he was
placed in a bed arranged there for him. They bled him several times; he
was very ill. The Empress visited him frequently during the day, and
seeing me in tears, she was pleased with me. One evening, while reading
the night-prayers in a small oratory adjoining my dressing-room, Madame
Ismaïloff came in. She was a person of whom the Empress was very fond,
and she informed me that her Majesty, knowing I was much afflicted by
the illness of the Duke, had sent her to tell me not to be cast down,
but to put my trust in God, and that whatever happened she would not
forsake me. She then asked me what I was reading; I told her the prayers
for night, and she said I should hurt my eyes by reading such small
print by candle-light. I then begged her to thank her Imperial Majesty
for her goodness towards me, and we parted very affectionately, she to
give an account of her mission, I to go to bed. Next day the Empress
sent me a prayer-book printed in large type, in order to preserve my
eyes, she said.
Although the room in which the Grand Duke was placed adjoined mine, I
never entered it except when I felt that I should not be in the way, for
I saw that he did not care much to have me there, but preferred being
with his attendants, who, on the other hand, did not much suit me.
Besides, I was not much accustomed to pass my time alone among a set of
men. Meanwhile, Lent came round. I went to my duty (_fis mes
dévotions_)[5] the first week. Generally speaking, I was inclined to
devotion at that period. I saw plainly that the Grand Duke cared little
about me. A fortnight after our marriage he confessed to me again that
he was in love with Mademoiselle Carr, Maid of Honour to her Imperial
Majesty, since married to a Prince Galitzine, Equery to the Empress. He
told Count Devier,[6] his Chamberlain, that there was no comparison
between that lady and me. Devier maintained the contrary, and the Duke
got angry with him. This scene took place almost in my presence, and I
witnessed their contest. Surely, I said to myself, it would be
impossible for me not to be unhappy with such a man as this, were I to
give way to sentiments of tenderness thus requited. I might die of
jealousy without benefit to any one. I endeavoured therefore to master
my feelings, so as not to be jealous of a man who did not love me. Had
he wished to be loved, I should have found no difficulty in loving him.
I was naturally well disposed, and accustomed to fulfil my duties; but
then, too, I should have required a husband who had common sense, which
this one had not.
I had abstained[7] (_fait maigre_) during the first week of Lent. On the
Saturday, the Empress sent me word that it would give her pleasure if I
abstained during the second week also. I replied that I begged her
Majesty would permit me to abstain during the entire Lent. Sievers,
Marshal of the Court to the Empress, a son-in-law to Madame Krause, who
was the bearer of this message, told me that the Empress was greatly
pleased with my request, and that she granted it. When the Grand Duke
learned that I continued to abstain, he scolded me a good deal; but I
told him I could not do otherwise. After he had got well, he still
feigned illness in order not to leave his room, where he found more
congenial amusement than in the formal life of the court. He did not
quit it till the last week of Lent, when he went to his duty.
After Easter, he had a marionette theatre set up in his room, and
invited company to see it, and even ladies. This show was the most
insipid thing imaginable. The room in which it was set up had a door
which was fastened up, in consequence of its leading into one of the
Empress' apartments. In this apartment there was a mechanical table,
which could be lowered and raised so as to admit of dining without
servants. One day, while the Grand Duke was in his room preparing his
so-called theatricals, he heard people talking in this room beyond, and,
with his usual inconsiderate vivacity, he took up from his theatre one
of those carpenters' tools used for making holes in boards, and set to
work boring holes in this condemned door, so that he could see all that
passed within, and among other things, the dinner which the Empress was
then taking there. The Master of the Hounds, Count Razoumowsky, in a
brocaded dressing-gown, dined with her--he had taken medicine that
day--and there were, besides, some dozen persons of those most in the
confidence of the Empress. The Grand Duke, not content with enjoying the
fruit of his skilful labour himself, must needs call all who were about
him to share in the pleasure of looking through the holes which he had
bored with so much diligence. When all were fully satisfied with this
indiscreet pleasure, he came and invited Madame Krause, myself, and my
maids, to go to his room and see something which we had never seen
before. He did not tell us what it was, doubtless to give us an
agreeable surprise. As I did not hurry myself sufficiently to gratify
his impatience, he led away Madame Krause and my women. I arrived last,
and found them stationed in front of this door, where he had placed
benches, chairs, and stools, for the accommodation of the spectators, as
he said. On entering, I asked what all this was about. He ran to meet
me, and told me what the case was. I was terrified and indignant at his
rashness, and told him I would neither look nor have anything to do with
this impropriety, which would certainly bring him into trouble if his
aunt should come to hear of it, and this she could not well help doing,
seeing that there were at least twenty persons in his secret. All who
had allowed themselves to look through the door, finding that I would
not do the same, began to file off one after the other. The Duke himself
became ashamed of what he had done, and recommenced working on his
theatre. I returned to my room.