representations, ballets, and court masquerades. In spite of all this,
however, it was evident that the Empress was often in bad humour. One
day while at the theatre, my mother, the Grand Duke, and I, being in a
box opposite her Majesty, I perceived the Empress speaking very warmly
and angrily to Count Lestocq. When she had ended, the Count left her and
came to our box. Approaching me he said, "Have you seen how the Empress
spoke to me?" I answered that I had. "Very well, then," he said; "she is
very angry with you." "With me! and why?" I replied. "Because," he said,
"you are much in debt. She says that wells may be dried up; that when
she was a princess she had no greater allowance than you have, though
she had an establishment to provide for; and that she took care not to
get into debt, because she knew that no one would pay for her." All this
he uttered in a dry tone and with an air of displeasure, apparently that
the Empress might see from her box how he had executed his commission.
Tears came into my eyes, and I was silent. Having finished what he had
to say, the Count departed. The Grand Duke, who was seated at my side,
heard most of the conversation; and after questioning me relative to the
remainder, he gave me to understand, rather by looks than words, that he
agreed with his aunt and was not sorry I had been scolded. This was his
general way of acting, and he fancied he should thus render himself
agreeable to the Empress by entering into her views when she was angry
with any one. My mother also, when she learnt what had happened, said it
was only the natural consequence of the pains that had been taken to
withdraw me from her control; and that since they had put me in a
condition to act without consulting her, she should wash her hands of
the matter. Thus they both took part against me.
As for me, I determined instantly to put my affairs into order; and the
next morning I called for my accounts. From these I found that I was in
debt to the amount of 17,000 roubles. Before leaving Moscow for Kiev,
the Empress had sent me 15,000 roubles and a large chest of simple
dresses; but it was necessary for me to be richly dressed, so that,
everything reckoned, I owed 2,000 roubles, and this did not appear to me
an unreasonable sum. Different causes had thrown me into these expenses.
In the first place, I had arrived in Russia very badly provided for. If
I had three or four dresses in the world, it was the very outside; and
this at a court where people changed their dress three times a-day. A
dozen chemises constituted the whole of my linen, and I had to use my
mother's sheets.
In the second place, I had been told that in Russia people liked
presents; and that generosity was the best means of acquiring friends
and making one's self agreeable.
Thirdly, they had placed with me the most extravagant woman in Russia,
the Countess Roumianzoff, who was always surrounded with tradesmen, and
constantly showing me a variety of things which she induced me to
purchase, and which I often purchased merely to present them to her, as
I knew she was eager to have them.
The Grand Duke also cost me not a little, for he was fond of presents.
Besides, I had found out that my mother's ill-humour was easily appeased
by the present of anything that pleased her; and as she was often out of
temper, and especially with me, I did not neglect this means of soothing
her. Her ill-humour arose in part from her being on such a bad footing
with the Empress, and from the fact that her Majesty often subjected her
to annoyances and humiliations. Besides, heretofore, I had always
followed her; and now she could not without displeasure see me take
precedence of her. I carefully avoided doing so, whenever it was
possible; but in public it could not be avoided. In general, I had made
it a rule to pay her the greatest respect, and treat her with all
possible deference; but it was of no use, she had always and on all
occasions some disagreeable remark to make, a thing which did not do her
much good or prepossess people in her favour.
The Countess Roumianzoff, by her scandals and gossippings, contributed
much--as did many others--to prejudice my mother in the opinion of the
Empress. That carriage for eight, during the journey to Kiev, had also
much to do with this result. All the old had been excluded; all the
young admitted. God only knows what was tortured out of this
arrangement, harmless as it was in itself. What was most evident was,
that it had displeased all those who by their rank were entitled to
admission, but were, nevertheless, set aside for the sake of more
amusing companions. But the real foundation of all this trouble was the
exclusion of Betzky and the Troubetzkoys, in whom my mother had most
confidence during the journey to Kiev. Brummer and the Countess
Roumianzoff had also, no doubt, contributed to it; and the carriage for
eight, into which they had not been admitted, was a source of rancour.
In the month of November, the Grand Duke took the measles, at Moscow. As
I had not had them, care was taken to prevent me from catching them.
Those who were about the Prince did not come near us, and all diversions
ceased. As soon as the disease had passed off, and the winter fully set
in, we left Moscow for St. Petersburg, in sledges; my mother and me in
one, the Grand Duke and Brummer in another. We celebrated the birthday
of the Empress, the 18th of December, at Tver, and the next day
continued our journey. Having reached the town of Chotilovo--about
midway--the Grand Duke, while in my room in the evening, became unwell.
He was led to his own apartments, and put to bed. He had considerable
fever during the night. At noon, the next day, my mother and I went to
see him; but I had scarcely passed the threshold when Count Brummer
advanced towards me, and desired me not to proceed farther. I asked the
reason, and learnt that indications of small-pox had just manifested
themselves. As I had not had the disease, my mother instantly hurried me
out of the room; and it was decided that she and I should set off the
same day for St. Petersburg, leaving the Duke and his suite at
Chotilovo. The Countess Roumianzoff and the lady in attendance on my
mother remained there also, to nurse the invalid, they said.
A courier, despatched to the Empress, had already preceded us, and was
by this time at St. Petersburg. At some distance from Novogorod, we met
the Empress herself, who, having learnt that the Grand Duke had taken
the small-pox, was on her way from St. Petersburg to Chotilovo, where
she remained as long as the disease lasted. As soon as she perceived
us, though it was in the middle of the night, she stopped her sledge and
ours to make inquiries concerning the condition of the Duke. My mother
told her all she knew, and she then bade the driver proceed, while we
continued our journey, and reached Novogorod towards morning.
It was a Sunday, and I went to mass, after which we dined; and just as
we were about to start again, the Chamberlain, Prince Galitzine, and the
Gentleman of the Bedchamber, Zachar Czernicheff, arrived from Moscow, on
their way to St. Petersburg. My mother was angry with the Prince because
he was in company with Count Czernicheff, who had told some falsehood or
other. She maintained that he ought to be avoided as a dangerous
character, who indulged in gratuitous fabrications. She sulked with them
both; but as this sulking was dreadfully wearisome, as, besides, there
was no choice in the matter, and as these two gentlemen were better
informed and had more conversational powers than any of the others, I
did not join in these sulks, and this drew upon me some unpleasant
remarks from my mother.
At last we reached St. Petersburg, and took up our residence in one of
the houses attached to the court. The palace, at that time, was not
sufficiently large to allow even the Grand Duke to reside there, so that
he occupied a house situated between the palace and ours. My apartments
were at the left of the palace, my mother's at the right. As soon as she
saw this arrangement, she became angry: first, because she thought my
rooms better situated than her own; secondly, because hers were
separated from mine by a common hall. In point of fact, we each had four
rooms, two in front and two facing the court-yard of the house. The
rooms were equal in size, and furnished exactly alike, the furniture
being blue and red. But what chiefly contributed to annoy my mother was
the circumstance which I am going to mention. While we were at Moscow,
the Countess Roumianzoff had brought me the plan of this house by
direction of the Empress, forbidding me, in her name, to speak of the
matter, and consulting me as to how my mother and myself should be
respectively placed. There was no choice in the case, for the two sets
of apartments were in all respects equal. I said so to the Countess, and
she gave me to understand that the Empress preferred my having separate
rooms to occupying, as at Moscow, the same apartments as my mother. This
change pleased me also, for I was much inconvenienced in being with my
mother, and, in fact, no one liked the arrangement. My mother in some
way got to hear of the plan that had been shown me. She spoke to me on
the subject, and I told the simple truth, just as the matter had
occurred. She scolded me for the secrecy I had maintained. I said I had
been forbidden to speak; but she would not admit the validity of this
reason, and altogether I saw that from day to day, she became more and
more displeased with me, and, in fact, she had managed to quarrel with
almost every one, so that she now scarcely ever came to table, either
for dinner or supper, but was served in her own room. As for me, I went
to her apartments three or four times a-day. The rest of my time was
spent in learning Russian, in playing on the harpsichord, and in
reading, for I had bought myself books; so that at fifteen I was
retired, and tolerably studious for my age.
Towards the close of our stay at Moscow, a Swedish embassy arrived, at
the head of which was the Senator Cedercreutz. A short time afterwards,
the Count Gyllenburg also arrived, to announce to the Empress the
marriage of the Prince of Sweden, my mother's brother, with a Swedish
princess. Count Gyllenburg, and many other Swedes, became known to us at
the time of the Prince Royal's departure for Sweden. He was a man of
talent, no longer young, and my mother thought very highly of him. For
myself, I was, in some respects, under obligations to him; for at
Hamburg, seeing that my mother made little or no account of me, he told
her she was wrong, and assured her that I was a child much beyond my
age. On his arrival at St. Petersburg, he visited us, and as he had told
me, while at Hamburg, that I had a very philosophical turn of mind, he
asked me how it fared with my philosophy in the vortex in which I was
placed. I told him how I passed my time in my room. He replied that a
philosopher of fifteen could not know herself, and that I was surrounded
by so many rocks that I ran great danger of being wrecked, unless the
temper of my mind was of a very superior stamp; that I ought, therefore,
to fortify it by the study of the best works, such as the Lives of
Plutarch, that of Cicero, and the Causes of the Greatness and Decay of
the Roman Republic, by Montesquieu. I immediately ordered those books to
be procured for me, and there was considerable difficulty in finding
them in St. Petersburg at that period. I told the Count that I would
trace my portrait for him, such as I supposed it, that he might see
whether or not I really did understand myself.
I did, in fact, trace out this portrait in writing, and gave it to him
under the following title:--"A Portrait of the Philosopher of Fifteen."
Many years afterwards, viz., in the year 1758, I turned up this
portrait; and I was astonished at the accuracy and depth of
self-knowledge which it evinced. Unfortunately I burnt it that same
year, with all my other papers, fearing to keep a single one in my room,
at the time of the unfortunate affair of Bestoujeff.
Count Gyllenburg returned my manuscript a few days afterwards. I do not
know whether he took a copy. He accompanied it by some dozen pages of
reflections which he had made relative to me. In these he endeavoured to
strengthen my character in firmness and elevation of mind, as well as in
all the other qualities of the head and heart. I read his remarks again
and again, many times. I impressed them on my mind, and determined very
sincerely to follow his advice. I made a promise to myself that I would
do so, and when once I have made a promise to myself, I do not remember
ever having failed in keeping it. Finally, I returned the manuscript to
the Count as he had requested, and I confess that it has been of great
service to me in forming and strengthening my mind and character.
In the beginning of February, the Empress returned from Chotilovo with
the Grand Duke. As soon as we had heard of her arrival we went to
receive her, and met her in the great hall, between four and five
o'clock in the evening, when it was nearly dark. Notwithstanding the
obscurity, however, I was almost terrified at beholding the Grand Duke.
He had grown very much, but his features were scarcely to be recognized;
they had all enlarged; the whole face was still swelled, and it was
quite evident that he would remain deeply marked. As his hair had been
cut off, he wore an immense wig, which greatly added to his
disfigurement. He came to me, and asked if I did not find it difficult
to recognize him. I stammered out my congratulations upon his
convalescence, but in truth he had grown frightful.
On the 9th of February, 1745, a year had passed since my arrival at the
court of Russia. On the 10th, the Empress celebrated the birthday of the
Grand Duke. He had now entered his seventeenth year. On this occasion, I
dined with her Majesty. She dined upon the throne, and I was the only
guest. The Grand Duke did not appear in public that day, nor for a long
time afterwards; they were in no hurry to show him in the condition in
which the small-pox had left him. The Empress was very gracious during
dinner. She told me that the letters I had written to her in Russian,
while she was at Chotilovo, had very much pleased her (to tell the
truth, they were the composition of M. Adadourof, though I had copied
them out;) and she also said she had been informed that I took great
pains to acquire the language of the country. She spoke to me in
Russian, and wished me to reply to her in that language, which I did;
and then she was pleased to praise my correct pronunciation. Finally,
she told me that I had grown handsomer since my illness at Moscow. In
fact, during the whole time of dinner, she was occupied in giving me
marks of her kindness and affection. I returned home highly delighted
with my dinner, and received congratulations on all sides. The Empress
had my portrait, which the painter Caravaque had commenced, brought to
her, and she kept it in her own room. It is the one which the sculptor
Falconnet has carried with him to France. At the time, it was a speaking
likeness.
In going to mass, or to the Empress, my mother and I had to pass through
the apartments of the Grand Duke, which were situated near mine; we
therefore often saw him. He also was in the habit of coming of an
evening, to pass some moments with me; but there was no eagerness in
these visits. On the contrary, he was always glad of any excuse for
dispensing with them, and remaining at home, occupied with the childish
amusements already mentioned.
A short time after the arrival of the Empress and Grand Duke at St.
Petersburg, my mother met with a serious annoyance, which she could not
conceal.
Prince Augustus, her brother, had written to her at Kiev, expressing his
great desire to visit Russia. She had learnt that the only object of
this journey was to have the administration of the territory of Holstein
conferred upon him as soon as the Grand Duke became of age; and it was
proposed to advance the period of his majority. In other words, it was
wished to take the guardianship out of the hands of the elder brother,
now become Prince Royal of Sweden, in order to give the administration
of the territory of Holstein, in the name of the Grand Duke, then of
age, to Prince Augustus, the younger brother of my mother and of the
Prince Royal of Sweden.
This intrigue had been formed by the Holstein party, which was opposed
to the Prince Royal, joined by the Danes, who could not pardon this
Prince for having prevailed, in Sweden, over the Prince Royal of
Denmark, whom the Dalecarlians wished to elect as successor to the
throne of Sweden. My mother replied to Prince Augustus from Koselsk,
telling him, that instead of lending himself to intrigues directed
against his brother, it would be better for him to enter the service of
Holland, where he was, and die with honour, rather than cabal against
his brother and join the enemies of his sister in Russia. My mother had
here reference to Count Bestoujeff, who encouraged all this intrigue in
order to injure Brummer, and all the other friends of the Prince Royal
of Sweden, the guardian of the Grand Duke for Holstein. This letter was
opened, and read by the Count and the Empress, who was by no means
pleased with my mother, and very much irritated against the Prince Royal
of Sweden, who, led by his wife, sister of the King of Prussia, had
allowed himself to be carried away by the French party in all their
views, a party in every way opposed to Russia. He was accused of
ingratitude, and my mother of want of affection for her younger brother,
because she had told him to die (_se faire tuer_), an expression which
was treated as harsh and inhuman; while my mother, in the company of her
friends, boasted of having used a firm and sounding phrase. The result
of all this was, that without any regard for my mother's feelings, or
rather to mortify her and annoy the Holstein-Swedish party, Count
Bestoujeff obtained permission, unknown to my mother, for Prince
Augustus of Holstein to visit St. Petersburg. My mother, when she learnt
that he was on his way, was extremely annoyed and grieved, and received
him very coldly. But he, pushed on by Bestoujeff, ran his course. The
Empress was persuaded to give him a favourable reception, which she did
in appearance. This, however, did not last, and could not last, for
Prince Augustus was not in himself a person of any consequence. Even his
external appearance was against him. He was very small, and badly made,
passionate, and with but little talent, and entirely led by his
followers, who were themselves quite insignificant. His stupidity, since
I must speak out, very much annoyed my mother, and, altogether, his
arrival nearly drove her crazy.
Count Bestoujeff, having obtained a control over the mind of the Prince
by means of his followers, killed many birds with one stone. He could
not be ignorant that the Grand Duke hated Brummer as much as he did
himself. Prince Augustus did not like him either, because he was
attached to the Prince Royal of Sweden, under pretence of relationship
and as a native of Holstein. Prince Augustus ingratiated himself with
the Grand Duke by constantly talking to him about Holstein and his
coming majority, so that he induced him to urge his aunt and Count
Bestoujeff to advance the period. To do this, however, it was necessary
to have the consent of the Roman Emperor, who, at that time, was Charles
VII, of the House of Bavaria. But, meantime, he died, and the matter
dragged on till the election of Francis I.
As Prince Augustus had been coldly received by my mother, and, in
return, manifested but little consideration for her, this circumstance
also contributed to diminish the slight remains of respect which the
Grand Duke entertained for her. On the other hand, both Prince Augustus
and the old valet, the favourite of the Grand Duke, fearing, seemingly,
my future influence, often talked to him about the manner in which he
ought to treat his wife. Romberg, an old Swedish dragoon, told him that
his wife dared not speak in his presence nor meddle with his affairs;
and that if she only attempted to open her mouth even, he ordered her to
hold her tongue; that he was master in his own house, and that it was
disgraceful for a husband to allow himself to be led by his wife like a
booby.
Now the Grand Duke had about as much discretion as a cannon ball, and,
when his mind was full of anything, he could not rest until he had
unburdened it to the persons he was in the habit of talking with, never
for a moment considering to whom it was he spoke. Consequently he used
to tell me all these things, with the utmost frankness, the first time
he saw me afterwards. He always fancied that every one was of his
opinion, and that nothing could be more reasonable than all this. I took
good care not to speak of these things to any one; but they made me
reflect very seriously upon the fate which awaited me. I determined to
husband carefully the confidence of the Grand Duke, in order that he
might at least consider me as a person of whom he felt sure, and to whom
he could confide everything without the least inconvenience to himself;
and in this I succeeded for a long time. Besides, I treated every one in
the best way I could, and studied how to gain the friendship, or at
least to lessen the enmity of those whom I in any way suspected of being
badly disposed to me. I showed no leaning to any side, nor meddled with
anything; always maintained a serene air, treated every one with great
attention, affability, and politeness, and, as I was naturally very gay,
I saw with pleasure that from day to day I advanced in the general
esteem, and was looked upon as an interesting child, and one by no means
wanting in mind. I showed great respect for my mother, a boundless
obedience for the Empress, and the most profound deference for the Grand
Duke; and I sought with the most anxious care to gain the affection of
the public.
From the period of our visit to Moscow, the Empress had assigned me some
ladies and gentlemen who formed my court. A short time after my arrival
at St. Petersburg she gave me some Russian maids, in order, as she said,
to aid me in acquiring increased facility in the use of the language.
This arrangement pleased me very much; for these persons were all young,
the oldest of them being only about twenty; all, too, were very lively,
so that from that time I did nothing but sing, dance, and play in my
room, from the moment I awoke in the morning till I went to sleep again
at night. In the evening, after supper, I brought into my bed-room my
three maids, the two Princesses Gagarine and Mademoiselle Koucheleff,
and we played at blind-man's buff and all sorts of games suited to our
age. All these ladies mortally feared the Countess Roumianzoff; but as
she played at cards from morning till night, either in the ante-chamber
or in her own room, never leaving her chair, except from necessity, she
rarely came near us.
In the midst of our mirth, the fancy seized me to distribute among my
women the care of all my effects. I placed my money, my expenditure, and
my linen in the charge of Mademoiselle Schenck, the lady's-maid whom I
had brought from Germany; she was a silly and querulous old maid, to
whom our gaiety was extremely annoying; and besides that, she was
jealous of all these young companions who were about to share her
functions and my affection. I gave all my jewels to Mademoiselle
Joukoff; she having more intelligence and being more gay and frank than
the others, began to gain my favour. My clothes I entrusted to my valet
Timothy Yevreinoff; my lace to Mademoiselle Balkoff, who afterwards
married the poet Soumarokoff; my ribbons to the elder Mademoiselle
Scorochodov, since married to Aristarchus Kachkine; her younger sister
Anne having nothing, as she was only between thirteen and fourteen years
old.