_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ GOOD FAIRY _WITH THE_ LORGNETTE, _AND WHY_ SHE GOT
_IT_ GOOD
Once Upon a Time there was a Broad Girl who had nothing else to do and
no Children to look after, so she thought she would be Benevolent.
She had scared all the Red Corpuscles out of the 2 by 4 Midget who
rotated about her in a Limited Orbit and was known by Courtesy as her
Husband. He was Soft for her, and so she got it Mapped out with Herself
that she was a Superior Woman.
She knew that when she switched the Current on to herself she Used up
about 6,000 Ohms an hour, and the whole Neighborhood had to put on
Blinders.
She had read about nine Subscription Books with Cupid and Dove
Tail-Pieces and she believed that she could get away with any Topic that
was batted up to her and then slam it over to Second in time to head off
the Runner.
Her clothes were full of Pin-Holes where she had been hanging Medals on
Herself, and she used to go in a Hand-Ball Court every Day and throw up
Bouquets, letting them bounce back and hit Her.
[Illustration: THE MIDGET]
Also, She would square off in front of a Camera every Two Weeks, and the
Man was Next, for he always removed the Mole when he was touching up
the Negative. In the Photograph the Broad Girl resembled Pauline Hall,
but outside of the Photograph, and take it in the Morning when she
showed up on the Level, she looked like a Street just before they put on
the Asphalt.
But never you Fear, She thought She had Julia Arthur and Mary Mannering
Seventeen up and One to play, so far as Good Looks were concerned; and
when it came to the Gray Matter--the Cerebrum, the Cerebellum, and the
Medulla Oblongata--May Wright Sewall was back of the Flag and Pulled up
Lame.
The Down-Trodden Man, whom she had dragged to the Altar, sized Her all
right, but he was afraid of his Life. He wasn't Strong enough to push
Her in front of a Cable Car, and he didn't have the Nerve to get a
Divorce. So he stood for Everything; but in the Summer, when She skated
off into the Woods to hear a man with a Black Alpaca Coat lecture to the
High Foreheads about the Subverted Ego, he used to go out with a few
Friends and tell them his Troubles and weep into his Beer. They would
slap him on the Back and tell him she was a Nice Woman; but he knew
better.
Annyhow, as Bobby Gaylor used to say, she became restless around the
House, with nothing to do except her Husband, so she made up her mind to
be Benevolent to beat the Band. She decided that she would allow the
Glory of her Presence to burst upon the Poor and the Uncultured. It
would be a Big Help to the Poor and Uncultured to see what a Real
Razmataz Lady was like.
She didn't Propose to put on Old Clothes, and go and live with Poor
People, and be One of Them, and nurse their Sick, as they do in
Settlements. Not on Your Previous Existence! She was going to be
Benevolent, and be Dead Swell at the Same Time.
Accordingly, she would Lace Herself until she was the shape of a Bass
Viol, and put on her Tailor-Made, and the Hat that made her Face seem
longer, and then she would Gallop forth to do Things to the Poor. She
always carried a 99-cent Lorgnette in one Hand and a Smelling-Bottle in
the Other.
"Now," she would say, feeling Behind to make sure that she was all
strung up, "Now, to carry Sunshine into the Lowly Places."
[Illustration: THE BROAD GIRL]
As soon as she struck the Plank Walks, and began stalking her prey, the
small Children would crawl under the Beds, while Mother would dry her
Arms on the Apron, and murmur, "Glory be!" They knew how to stand off
the Rent-Man and the Dog-Catcher; but when 235 pounds of Sunshine came
wafting up the Street, they felt that they were up against a New Game.
The Benevolent Lady would go into a House numbered 1135A with a Marking
Brush, and after she had sized up the front room through the Lorgnette,
she would say: "My Good Woman, does your Husband drink?"
"Oh, yes, sir," the grateful Woman would reply. "That is, when he's
working. He gets a Dollar Ten."
"And what does he do with all his Money?" the Benevolent Lady would
ask.
"I think he plays the Stock Market," would be the Reply.
Then the Benevolent Lady would say: "When the Unfortunate Man comes Home
this Evening you tell him that a Kind and Beautiful Lady called and
asked him please to stop Drinking, except a Glass of Claret at Dinner,
and to be sure and read Eight or Ten Pages from the _Encyclopaedia
Britannica_ each Night before retiring; also tell him to be sure and
save his Money. Is that your Child under the Bed?"
"That's little William J."
"How Many have you?"
"Eight or Nine--I forget Which."
"Be sure and dress them in Sanitary Underwear; you can get it for Four
Dollars a Suit. Will you be good enough to have the Little Boy come from
under the Bed, and spell 'Ibex' for the Sweet Lady?"
"He's afraid of you."
"Kindly explain to him that I take an Interest in him, even though he is
the Offspring of an Obscure and Ignorant Workingman, while I am probably
the Grandest Thing that ever Swept up the Boulevard. I must go now, but
I will Return. Next time I come I hope to hear that your Husband has
stopped Drinking and is very Happy. Tell the Small Person under the Bed
that if he learns to spell 'Ibex' by the time I call again I will let
him look at my Rings. As for you, bear in mind that it is no Disgrace to
be Poor; it is simply Inconvenient; that's all."
Having delivered herself of these Helpful Remarks she would Duck, and
the Uplifted Mother would put a Nickel in the Can and send Lizzie over
to the Dutchman's.
In this manner the Benevolent Lady carried forward the Good Work, and
Dazzled the whole Region between O'Hara's Box Factory and the City Dump.
It didn't Cost anything, and she derived much Joy from the Knowledge
that Hundreds of People were Rubbering at her, and remarking in Choked
Whispers: "Say, ain't she the Smooth Article?"
But one day a Scrappy Kid, whose Mother didn't have any Lorgnette or
Diamond Ear-Bobs, spotted the Benevolent Lady. The Benevolent Lady had
been in the House telling his Mother that it was a Glorious Privilege to
wash for a Living.
After the Benevolent Lady went away the Kid's Mother sat down and had a
Good Cry, and the Scrappy Kid thought it was up to him. He went out to
the Alley and found a Tomato Can that was not working, and he waited.
In a little while the Benevolent Lady came out of a Basement, in which
she had been telling a Polish Family to look at her and be Happy. The
Scrappy Kid let drive, and the Tomato Can struck the Benevolent Lady
between the Shoulder Blades. She squawked and started to run, fell over
a Garbage Box, and had to be picked up by a Policeman.
She went Home in a Cab, and told her Husband that the Liquor League had
tried to Assassinate her, because she was Reforming so many Drunkards.
That settled it with her--she said she wouldn't try to be Benevolent
any more--so she joined an Ibsen Club.
The Scrappy Kid grew up to be a Corrupt Alderman, and gave his Mother
plenty of Good Clothes, which she was always afraid to wear.