for you,) have you not encouraged Williams to think you will have him?
Indeed, sir, said I, I have not; but the very contrary. And would you
not have had him, said he, if you had got away by his means? I had
resolved, sir, said I, in my mind, otherwise; and he knew it; and the
poor man—I charge you, said he, say not a word in his favour! You will
excite a whirlwind in my soul, if you name him with kindness; and then
you’ll be borne away with the tempest.
Sir, said I, I have done!—Nay, said he, but do not have done; let me
know the whole. If you have any regard for him, speak out; for it would
end fearfully for you, for me, and for him, if I found that you
disguised any secret of your soul from me, in this nice particular.
Sir, said I, if I have ever given you cause to think me sincere—Say
then, said he, interrupting me with great vehemence, and taking both my
hands between his, Say, that you now, in the presence of God, declare
that you have not any the most hidden regard for Williams, or any other
man.
Sir, said I, I do. As God shall bless me, and preserve my innocence, I
have not. Well, said he, I will believe you, Pamela; and in time,
perhaps, I may better bear that man’s name. And, if I am convinced that
you are not prepossessed, my vanity makes me assured, that I need not
to fear a place in your esteem, equal, if not preferable, to any man in
England. But yet it stings my pride to the quick, that you was so
easily brought, and at such a short acquaintance, to run away with that
college novice!
O good sir, said I, may I be heard one thing? And though I bring upon
me your highest indignation, I will tell you, perhaps, the unnecessary
and imprudent, but yet the whole truth.
My honesty (I am poor and lowly, and am not entitled to call it honour)
was in danger. I saw no means of securing myself from your avowed
attempts. You had shewed you would not stick at little matters; and
what, sir, could any body have thought of my sincerity, in preferring
that to all other considerations, if I had not escaped from these
dangers, if I could have found any way for it?—I am not going to say
any thing for him; but, indeed, indeed, sir, I was the cause of putting
him upon assisting me in my escape. I got him to acquaint me what
gentry there were in the neighbourhood that I might fly to; and
prevailed upon him—Don’t frown at me, good sir; for I must tell you the
whole truth—to apply to one Lady Jones; to Lady Darnford; and he was so
good to apply to Mr. Peters, the minister: But they all refused me; and
then it was he let me know, that there was no honourable way but
marriage. That I declined; and he agreed to assist me for God’s sake.
Now, said he, you are going—I boldly put my hand before his mouth,
hardly knowing the liberty I took: Pray, sir, said I, don’t be angry; I
have just done—I would only say, that rather than have staid to be
ruined, I would have thrown myself upon the poorest beggar that ever
the world saw, if I thought him honest.—And I hope, when you duly weigh
all matters, you will forgive me, and not think me so bold, and so
forward, as you have been pleased to call me.
Well, said he, even in this your last speech, which, let me tell you,
shews more your honesty of heart than your prudence, you have not
over-much pleased me. But I must love you; and that vexes me not a
little. But tell me, Pamela, for now the former question recurs: Since
you so much prize your honour, and your virtue; since all attempts
against that are so odious to you; and since I have avowedly made
several of these attempts, do you think it is possible for you to love
me preferably to any other of my sex?
Ah, sir! said I, and here my doubt recurs, that you may thus graciously
use me, to take advantage of my credulity.
Still perverse and doubting! said he—Cannot you take me as I am at
present? And that, I have told you, is sincere and undesigning,
whatever I may be hereafter.
Ah, sir! replied I, what can I say? I have already said too much, if
this dreadful hereafter should take place. Don’t bid me say how well I
can—And then, my face glowing as the fire, I, all abashed, leaned upon
his shoulder, to hide my confusion.
He clasped me to him with great ardour, and said, Hide your dear face
in my bosom, my beloved Pamela! your innocent freedoms charm me!—But
then say, How well—what?
If you will be good, said I, to your poor servant, and spare her, I
cannot say too much! But if not, I am doubly undone!—Undone indeed!
Said he, I hope my present temper will hold; for I tell you frankly,
that I have known, in this agreeable hour, more sincere pleasure than I
have experienced in all the guilty tumults that my desiring soul
compelled me into, in the hopes of possessing you on my own terms. And,
Pamela, you must pray for the continuance of this temper; and I hope
your prayers will get the better of my temptations.
This sweet goodness overpowered all my reserves. I threw myself at his
feet, and embraced his knees: What pleasure, sir, you give me at these
gracious words, is not lent your poor servant to express!—I shall be
too much rewarded for all my sufferings, if this goodness hold! God
grant it may, for your own soul’s sake as well as mine. And oh! how
happy should I be, if——
He stopt me, and said, But, my dear girl, what must we do about the
world, and the world’s censure? Indeed, I cannot marry!
Now was I again struck all of a heap. However, soon recollecting
myself, Sir, said I, I have not the presumption to hope such an honour.
If I may be permitted to return in peace and safety to my poor parents,
to pray for you there, it is all I at present request! This, sir, after
all my apprehensions and dangers, will be a great pleasure to me. And,
if I know my own poor heart, I shall wish you happy in a lady of
suitable degree; and rejoice most sincerely in every circumstance that
shall make for the happiness of my late good lady’s most beloved son.
Well, said he, this conversation, Pamela, is gone farther than I
intended it. You need not be afraid, at this rate, of trusting yourself
with me: but it is I that ought to be doubtful of myself, when I am
with you.—But before I say any thing farther on this subject, I will
take my proud heart to task; and, till then, let every thing be as if
this conversation had never passed. Only, let me tell you, that the
more confidence you place in me, the more you’ll oblige me: but your
doubts will only beget cause of doubts. And with this ambiguous saying,
he saluted me with a more formal manner, if I may so say, than before,
and lent me his hand; and so we walked toward the house, side by side,
he seeming very thoughtful and pensive, as if he had already repented
him of his goodness.
What shall I do, what steps take, if all this be designing—O the
perplexities of these cruel doubtings!—To be sure, if he be false, as I
may call it, I have gone too far, much too far!—I am ready, on the
apprehension of this, to bite my forward tongue (or rather to beat my
more forward heart, that dictated to that poor machine) for what I have
said. But sure, at least, he must be sincere for the time!—He could not
be such a practised dissembler!—If he could, O how desperately wicked
is the heart of man!—And where could he learn all these barbarous
arts?—If so, it must be native surely to the sex!—But, silent be my
rash censurings; be hushed, ye stormy tumults of my disturbed mind! for
have I not a father who is a man?—A man who knows no guile! who would
do no wrong!—who would not deceive or oppress, to gain a kingdom!—How
then can I think it is native to the sex? And I must also hope my good
lady’s son cannot be the worst of men!—If he is, hard the lot of the
excellent woman that bore him!—But much harder the hap of your poor
Pamela, who has fallen into such hands!—But yet I will trust in God,
and hope the best: and so lay down my tired pen for this time.
Thursday morning.
Somebody rapped at our chamber-door this morning, soon after it was
light: Mrs. Jewkes asked, who it was? My master said, Open the door,
Mrs. Jewkes! O, said I, for God’s sake, Mrs. Jewkes, don’t! Indeed,
said she, but I must. Then, said I, and clung about her, let me slip on
my clothes first. But he rapped again, and she broke from me; and I was
frightened out of my wits, and folded myself in the bed-clothes. He
entered, and said, What, Pamela, so fearful, after what passed
yesterday between us! O, sir, sir, said I, I fear my prayers have
wanted their wished effect! Pray, good sir, consider—He sat down on the
bed-side, and interrupted me; No need of your foolish fears; I shall
say but a word or two, and go away.
After you went up stairs, said he, I had an invitation to a ball, which
is to be this night at Stamford, on occasion of a wedding; and I am
going to call on Sir Simon, and his lady and daughters; for the bride
is a relation of theirs: so I shall not be at home till Saturday. I
come, therefore, to caution you, Mrs. Jewkes, before Pamela, (that she
may not wonder at being closer confined, than for these three or four
days past,) that nobody sees her, nor delivers any letter to her, in
that space; for a person has been seen lurking about, and inquiring
after her, and I have been well informed, that either Mrs. Jervis, or
Mr. Longman, has written a letter, with a design of having it conveyed
to her: And, said he, you must know, Pamela, that I have ordered Mr.
Longman to give up his accounts, and have dismissed Jonathan and Mrs.
Jervis, since I have been here; for their behaviour has been
intolerable; and they have made such a breach between my sister Davers
and me, as we shall never, perhaps, make up. Now, Pamela, I shall take
it kindly in you, if you will confine yourself to your chamber pretty
much, for the time I am absent, and not give Mrs. Jewkes cause of
trouble or uneasiness; and the rather, as you know she acts by my
orders.
Alas! sir, said I, I fear all these good people have suffered for my
sake!—Why, said he, I believe so too; and there was never a girl of
your innocence, that set a large family in such an uproar, surely.—But
let that pass. You know both of you my mind, and, in part, the reason
of it. I shall only say, that I have had such a letter from my sister,
as I could not have expected; and, Pamela, said he, neither you nor I
have reason to thank her, as you shall know, perhaps at my return.—I go
in my coach, Mrs. Jewkes, because I take Lady Darnford, and Mrs.
Peters’s niece, and one of Lady Darnford’s daughters, along with me;
and Sir Simon and his other daughter go in his chariot: so let all the
gates be fastened; and don’t take any airing in either of the chariots,
nor let any body go to the gate, without you, Mrs. Jewkes. I’ll be
sure, said she, to obey your honour.
I will give Mrs. Jewkes no trouble, sir, said I; and will keep pretty
much in my chamber, and not stir so much as into the garden without
her; to shew you I will obey in every thing I can. But I begin to
fear—Ay, said he, more plots and contrivances, don’t you?—But I’ll
assure you, you never had less reason; and I tell you the truth; for I
am really going to Stamford this time; and upon the occasion I tell
you. And so, Pamela, give me your hand, and one kiss; and then I am
gone.
I durst not refuse, and said, God bless you, sir, wherever you go!—But
I am sorry for what you tell me about your servants!
He and Mrs. Jewkes had a little talk without the door; and I heard her
say, You may depend, sir, upon my care and vigilance.
He went in his coach, as he said he should, and very richly dressed,
which looks as if what he said was likely: but really I have been used
to so many tricks, and plots, and surprises, that I know not what to
think. But I mourn for poor Mrs. Jervis.—So here is Parson Williams;
here’s poor naughty John; here is good Mrs. Jervis, and Mr. Longman,
and Mr. Jonathan, turned away for me!—Mr. Longman is rich, indeed, and
so need the less matter it; but I know it will grieve him: and for poor
Mr. Jonathan, I am sure it will cut that good old servant to the heart.
Alas for me! what mischiefs am I the occasion of!—Or, rather, my
master, whose actions towards me have made so many of my kind friends
forfeit his favour, for my sake!
I am very sad about these things: If he really loved me, methinks he
should not be so angry, that his servants loved me too.—I know not what
to think!
Friday night.
I have removed my papers from under the rose-bush; for I saw the
gardener begin to dig near that spot; and I was afraid he would find
them.
Mrs. Jewkes and I were looking yesterday through the iron gate that
fronts the elms; and a gipsy-like body made up to us, and said; If,
madam, you will give me some broken victuals, I will tell you both your
fortunes. I said, Let us hear our fortunes, Mrs. Jewkes. She said, I
don’t like these sort of people; but we will hear what she’ll say to
us, however. I shan’t fetch you any victuals, woman; but I will give
you some pence, said she.
But Nan coming out, she said, Fetch some bread, and some of the cold
meat, and you shall have your fortune told, Nan.
This, you’ll think, like some of my other matters, a very trifling
thing to write about. But mark the discovery of a dreadful plot, which
I have made by it. O, bless me! What can I think of this naughty, this
very naughty gentleman!—Now will I hate him most heartily. Thus it
was:—
Mrs. Jewkes had no suspicion of the woman, the iron gate being locked,
and she on the outside, and we on the inside; and so put her hand
through. She said, muttering over a parcel of cramp words; Why, madam,
you will marry soon, I can tell you. At that she seemed pleased, and
said, I am glad to hear that; and shook her fat sides with laughing.
The woman looked most earnestly at me, all the time, and as if she had
meaning. Then it came into my head, from my master’s caution, that
possibly this woman might be employed to try to get a letter into my
hands; and I was resolved to watch all her motions. So Mrs. Jewkes
said, What sort of a man shall I have, pray?—Why, said she, a man
younger than yourself; and a very good husband he’ll prove.—I am glad
of that, said she; and laughed again. Come, madam, let us hear your
fortune.
The woman came to me, and took my hand. O! said she, I cannot tell your
fortune: your hand is so white and fine, I cannot see the lines: but,
said she, and, stooping, pulled up a little tuft of grass, I have a way
for that; and so rubbed my hand with the mould part of the tuft: Now,
said she, I can see the lines.
Mrs. Jewkes was very watchful of all her ways, and took the tuft, and
looked upon it, lest any thing should be in that. And then the woman
said, Here is the line of Jupiter crossing the line of life; and
Mars—Odd! my pretty mistress, said she, you had best take care of
yourself; for you are hard beset, I’ll assure you. You will never be
married, I can see; and will die of your first child. Out upon thee,
woman! said I, better thou hadst never come here.
Said Mrs. Jewkes, whispering, I don’t like this: it looks like a cheat:
Pray, Mrs. Pamela, go in, this moment. So I will, said I; for I have
enough of fortune-telling. And in I went.
The woman wanted sadly to tell me more, which made Mrs. Jewkes threaten
her, suspecting still the more; and away the woman went, having told
Nan her fortune, and she would be drowned.
This thing ran strongly in all our heads; and we went, an hour after,
to see if the woman was lurking about, and took Mr. Colbrand for our
guard. Looking through the iron gate, he spied a man sauntering about
the middle of the walk; which filled Mrs. Jewkes with still more
suspicions; and she said, Mr. Colbrand, you and I will walk towards
this fellow, and see what he saunters there for: And, Nan, do you and
madam stay at the gate.
So they opened the iron gate and walked down towards the man; and
guessing the woman, if employed, must mean something by the tuft of
grass, I cast my eye that way, whence she pulled it, and saw more grass
seemingly pulled up: then I doubted not something was there for me; and
I walked to it, and standing over it, said to Nan, That’s a pretty sort
of wild flower, that grows yonder, near the elm, the fifth from us on
the left; pray pull it for me. Said she, It is a common weed. Well,
said I, but pull it for me; there are sometimes beautiful colours in a
weed.
While she went on, I stooped, and pulled up a good handful of the
grass, and in it a bit of paper, which I put instantly in my bosom, and
dropt the grass: and my heart went pit-a-pat at the odd adventure. Said
I, Let’s go in, Mrs. Anne. No, said she, we must stay till Mrs. Jewkes
comes.
I was all impatience to read this paper: and when Colbrand and she
returned, I went in. Said she, Certainly there is some reason for my
master’s caution: I can make nothing of this sauntering fellow; but, to
be sure, there was some roguery in the gipsy. Well, said I, if there
was, she lost her aim, you see! Ay, very true, said she; but that was
owing to my watchfulness; and you was very good to go away, when I
spoke to you.
I hastened up stairs to my closet, and found the billet to contain, in
a hand that seemed disguised, and bad spelling, the following words:
‘Twenty contrivances have been thought of to let you know your danger:
but all have proved in vain. Your friends hope it is not yet too late
to give you this caution, if it reaches your hands. The ’squire is
absolutely determined to ruin you; and, because he despairs of any
other way, he will pretend great love and kindness to you, and that he
will marry you. You may expect a parson, for this purpose, in a few
days; but it is a sly artful fellow, of a broken attorney, that he has
hired to personate a minister. The man has a broad face, pitted much
with the small-pox, and is a very great companion. So take care of
yourself. Doubt not this advice. Perhaps you’ll have had but too much
reason already to confirm you in the truth of it. From your zealous
well-wisher, ‘SOMEBODY.’
Now, my dear father and mother, what shall we say of this truly
diabolical master! O, how shall I find words to paint my griefs, and
his deceit! I have as good as confessed I love him; but, indeed, it was
on supposing him good.—This, however, has given him too much advantage.
But now I will break this wicked forward heart of mine, if it will not
be taught to hate him! O, what a black dismal heart must he have! So
here is a plot to ruin me, and by my own consent to!—No wonder he did
not improve his wicked opportunities, (which I thought owing to remorse
for his sin, and compassion for me,) when he had such a project as this
in reserve!—Here should I have been deluded with the hopes of a
happiness that my highest ambition could have had aspired to!—But how
dreadful must have been my lot, when I had found myself an undone
creature, and a guilty harlot, instead of a lawful wife! Oh! this is
indeed too much, too much, for your poor Pamela to support! This is the
worse, as I hoped all the worst was over; and that I had the pleasure
of beholding a reclaimed man, and not an abandoned libertine. What now
must your poor daughter do? Now all her hopes are dashed! And if this
fails him, then comes, to be sure, my forced disgrace! for this shews
he will never leave till he has ruined me—O, the wretched, wretched
Pamela!
Saturday noon, one o’clock.
My master is come home; and, to be sure, has been where he said. So
once he has told truth; and this matter seems to be gone off without a
plot: No doubt he depends upon his sham wicked marriage! He has brought
a gentleman with him to dinner; and so I have not seen him yet.
Two o’clock.
I am very sorrowful, and still have greater reason; for, just now, as I
was in my closet, opening the parcel I had hid under the rose-bush, to
see if it was damaged by lying so long, Mrs. Jewkes came upon me by
surprise, and laid her hands upon it; for she had been looking through
the key-hole, it seems.
I know not what I shall do! For now he will see all my private thoughts
of him, and all my secrets, as I may say. What a careless creature I
am!—To be sure I deserve to be punished.
You know I had the good luck, by Mr. Williams’s means, to send you all
my papers down to Sunday night, the 17th day of my imprisonment. But
now these papers contain all my matters from that time, to Wednesday
the 27th day of my distress: And which, as you may now, perhaps, never
see, I will briefly mention the contents to you.
In these papers, then, are included, ‘An account of Mrs. Jewkes’s arts
to draw me in to approve of Mr. Williams’s proposal for marriage; and
my refusing to do so; and desiring you not to encourage his suit to me.
Mr. Williams’s being wickedly robbed, and a visit of hers to him;
whereby she discovered all his secrets. How I was inclined to get off,
while she was gone; but was ridiculously prevented by my foolish fears,
etc. My having the key of the back-door. Mrs. Jewkes’s writing to my
master all the secrets she had discovered of Mr. Williams, and her
behaviour to me and him upon it. Continuance of my correspondence with
Mr. Williams by the tiles; begun in the parcel you had. My reproaches
to him for his revealing himself to Mrs. Jewkes; and his letter to me
in answer, threatening to expose my master, if he deceived him;
mentioning in it John Arnold’s correspondence with him; and a letter
which John sent, and was intercepted, as it seems. Of the
correspondence being carried on by a friend of his at Gainsborough. Of
the horse he was to provide for me, and one for himself. Of what Mr.
Williams had owned to Mrs. Jewkes; and of my discouraging his
proposals. Then it contained a pressing letter of mine to him, urging
my escape before my master came; with his half-angry answer to me. Your
good letter to me, my dear father, sent to me by Mr. Williams’s
conveyance; in which you would have me encourage Mr. Williams, but
leave it to me; and in which, fortunately enough, you take notice of my
being uninclined to marry.—My earnest desire to be with you. The
substance of my answer to Mr. Williams, expressing more patience, etc.
A dreadful letter of my master to Mrs. Jewkes; which, by mistake, was
directed to me; and one to me, directed by like mistake to her; and
very free reflections of mine upon both. The concern I expressed for
Mr. Williams’s being taken in, deceived, and ruined. An account of Mrs.
Jewkes’s glorying in her wicked fidelity. A sad description I gave of
Monsieur Colbrand, a person he sent down to assist Mrs. Jewkes in
watching me. How Mr. Williams was arrested, and thrown into gaol; and
the concern I expressed upon it; and my free reflections on my master
for it. A projected contrivance of mine, to get away out of the window,
and by the back-door; and throwing by petticoat and handkerchief into
the pond to amuse them, while I got off: An attempt that had like to
have ended very dreadfully for me! My further concern for Mr.
Williams’s ruin, on my account: And, lastly, my over-hearing Mrs.
Jewkes brag of her contrivance to rob Mr. Williams, in order to get at
my papers; which, however, he preserved, and sent safe to you.’
These, down to the execution of my unfortunate plot to escape, are, to
the best of my remembrance, the contents of the papers, which this
merciless woman seized: For, how badly I came off, and what followed, I
still have safe, as I hope, sewed in my under-coat, about my hips.
In vain were all my prayers and tears to her, to get her not to shew
them to my master. For she said, It had now come out, why I affected to
be so much alone; and why I was always writing. And she thought herself
happy, she said, she had found these; for often and often had she
searched every place she could think of, for writings, to no purpose
before. And she hoped, she said, there was nothing in them by what any
body might see; for, said she, you know you are all innocence!—Insolent
creature! said I, I am sure you are all guilt!—And so you must do your
worst; for now I can’t help myself, and I see there is no mercy to be
expected from you.
Just now, my master being come up, she went to him upon the stairs, and
gave him my papers. There, sir, said she; you always said Mrs. Pamela
was a great writer; but I never could get at any thing of hers before.
He took them; and, without coming to me, went down to the parlour
again. And what with the gipsy affair, and what with this, I could not
think of going down to dinner; and she told him that too; and so I
suppose I shall have him up stairs, as soon as his company is gone.
Saturday, six o’clock.
My master came up, and, in a pleasanter manner than I expected, said,
So, Pamela, we have seized, it seems, your treasonable papers?
Treasonable! said I, very sullenly. Ay, said he, I suppose so; for you
are a great plotter: but I have not read them yet.