WEDDING ETIQUETTE.
From an English work, "The Habits of Good Society," I quote some
directions for the guidance of the happy man who proposes to enter the
state of matrimony. I have altered a few words to suit the difference of
country, but when weddings are performed in church, the rules given here
are excellent. They will apply equally well to the evening ceremony.
"At a time when our feelings are or ought to be most susceptible, when
the happiness or misery of a condition in which there is no medium
begins, we are surrounded with forms and etiquettes which rise before
the unwary like spectres, and which even the most rigid ceremonialists
regard with a sort of dread.
"Were it not, however, for these forms, and for this necessity of being
_en règle_, there might, on the solemnization of marriage, be confusion,
forgetfulness, and, even--speak it not aloud--irritation among the
parties most intimately concerned. Excitement might ruin all. Without a
definite programme, the old maids of the family would be thrusting in
advice. The aged chronicler of past events, or grandmother by the
fireside, would have it all her way; the venerable bachelor in tights,
with his blue coat and metal buttons, might throw every thing into
confusion by his suggestions. It is well that we are independent of all
these interfering advisers; that there is no necessity to appeal to
them. Precedent has arranged it all; we have only to put in or
understand what that stern authority has laid down; how it has been
varied by modern changes; and we must just shape our course boldly.
'Boldly?' But there is much to be done before we come to that. First,
there is the offer to be made. Well may a man who contemplates such a
step say to himself, with Dryden:
'These are the realms of everlasting fate;'
for, in truth, on marriage one's well-being not only here but even
hereafter mainly depends. But it is not on this bearing of the subject
that we wish to enter, contenting ourselves with a quotation from the
_Spectator_:
"'It requires more virtues to make a good husband or wife, than what go
to the finishing any the most shining character whatsoever.'
"In France, an engagement is an affair of negotiation and business; and
the system, in this respect, greatly resembles the practice in England,
on similar occasions, a hundred and fifty or two hundred years ago, or
even later. France is the most unchanging country in the world in her
habits and domestic institutions, and foremost among these is her
'_Marriage de convenance_,' or '_Marriage de raison_.'
"It is thus brought about. So soon as a young girl quits the school or
convent where she has been educated, her friends cast about for a
suitable _parti_. Most parents in France take care, so soon as a
daughter is born, to put aside a sum of money for her '_dot_,' as they
well know that, whatever may be her attractions, _that_ is indispensable
in order to be married. They are ever on the look out for a youth with,
at least, an equal fortune, or more; or, if they are rich, for title,
which is deemed tantamount to fortune; even the power of writing those
two little letters _De_ before your name has some value in the marriage
contract. Having satisfied themselves, they thus address the young
lady:--'It is now time for you to be married; I know of an eligible
match; you can see the gentleman, either at such a ball, or [if he is
serious] at church. I do not ask you to take him if his appearance is
positively disagreeable to you; if so, we will look out for some one
else.'
"As a matter of custom, the young lady answers that the will of her
parents is hers; she consents to take a survey of him to whom her
destiny is to be entrusted; and let us presume that he is accepted,
though it does not follow, and sometimes it takes several months to look
out, as it does for other matters, a house, or a place, or a pair of
horses. However, she consents; a formal introduction takes place; the
_promis_ calls in full dress to see his future wife; they are only just
to speak to each other, and those few unmeaning words are spoken in the
presence of the bride-elect's mother; for the French think it most
indiscreet to allow the affections of a girl to be interested before
marriage, lest during the arrangements for the contract all should be
broken off. If she has no dislike, it is enough; never for an instant
are the engaged couple left alone, and in very few cases do they go up
to the altar with more than a few weeks' acquaintance, and usually with
less. The whole matter is then arranged by notaries, who squabble over
the marriage-contract, and get all they can for their clients.
"The contract is usually signed in France on the day before the
marriage, when all is considered safe; the religious portion of their
bond takes place in the church, and then the two young creatures are
left together to understand each other if they can, and to love each
other if they will; if not they must content themselves with what is
termed, _un ménage de Paris_.
"In England, formerly, much the same system prevailed. A boy of
fourteen, before going on his travels, was contracted to a girl of
eleven, selected as his future wife by parents or guardians; he came
back after the _grande tour_ to fulfil the engagement. But by law it was
imperative that forty days should at least pass between the contract and
the marriage; during which dreary interval the couple, leashed together
like two young greyhounds, would have time to think of the future. In
France, the perilous period of reflection is not allowed. 'I really am
so glad we are to take a journey,' said a young French lady to her
friends; 'I shall thus get to know something about my husband; he is
quite a stranger to me.' Some striking instances of the _Marriage de
convenance_ being infringed on, have lately occurred in France. The late
Monsieur de Tocqueville married for love, after a five years'
engagement. Guizot, probably influenced by his acquaintance with
England, gave his daughters liberty to choose for themselves, and they
married for _love_[B]--'a very indelicate proceeding,' remarked a French
comtesse of the old _régime_, when speaking of this arrangement.
[B] Two brothers, named _De Witte_.
"Nothing can be more opposed to all this than the American system. They
are so tenacious of the freedom of choice, that even persuasion is
thought criminal.
"In France negotiations are often commenced on the lady's side; in
America, never. Even too encouraging a manner, even the ordinary
attentions of civility, are, occasionally, a matter of reproach. We are
jealous of the delicacy of that sacred bond; which we presume to hope is
to spring out of mutual affection. A gentleman who, from whatever
motives, has made up his mind to marry, may set about it in two ways. He
may propose by letter or in words. The customs of society imply the
necessity of a sufficient knowledge of the lady to be addressed. This,
even in this country, is a difficult point to be attained; and, after
all, cannot be calculated by time, since, in large cities, you may know
people a year, and yet be comparative strangers; and, meeting them in
the country, may become intimate in a week.
"Having made up his mind, the gentleman offers--wisely, if he can, in
speech. Letters are seldom expressive of what really passes in the mind
of man; or, if expressive, seem foolish, since deep feelings are liable
to exaggeration. Every written word may be the theme of cavil. Study,
care, which avail in every other species of composition, are death to
the lover's effusion. A few sentences, spoken in earnest, and broken by
emotion, are more eloquent than pages of sentiment, both to parent and
daughter. Let him, however, speak and be accepted. He is, in that case,
instantly taken into the intimacy of his adopted relatives. Such is the
notion of American honor, that the engaged couple are henceforth allowed
to be frequently alone together, in walking and at home. If there be no
known obstacle to the engagement, the gentleman and lady are mutually
introduced to the respective relatives of each. It is for the
gentleman's family to call first; for him to make the first present; and
this should be done as soon as possible after the offer has been
accepted. It is a sort of seal put upon the affair. The absence of
presents is thought to imply want of earnestness in the matter. This
present generally consists of some personal ornament, say, a ring, and
should be handsome, but not so handsome as that made for the
wedding-day. During the period that elapses before the marriage, the
betrothed man should conduct himself with peculiar deference to the
lady's family and friends, even if beneath his own station. It is often
said: 'I marry such a lady, but I do not mean to marry her whole
family.' This disrespectful pleasantry has something in it so cold, so
selfish, that even if the lady's family be disagreeable, there is a
total absence of delicate feeling to her in thus speaking of those
nearest to her. To her parents especially, the conduct of the betrothed
man should be respectful; to her sisters kind without familiarity; to
her brothers, every evidence of good-will should be testified. In making
every provision for the future, in regard to settlements, allowance for
dress, &c., the _extent_ of liberality convenient should be the spirit
of all arrangements. Perfect candor as to his own affairs, respectful
consideration for those of the family he is about to enter, mark a true
gentleman.
"In France, however gay and even blameable a man may have been before
his betrothal, he conducts himself with the utmost propriety after that
event. A sense of what is due to a lady should repress all habits
unpleasant to her; smoking, if disagreeable; frequenting places of
amusement without her; or paying attention to other women. In this
respect, indeed, the sense of honor should lead a man to be as
scrupulous when his future wife is absent as when she is present, if not
more so.
"In equally bad taste is exclusiveness. The devotions of two engaged
persons should be reserved for the _tête-à-tête_, and women are
generally in fault when it is otherwise. They like to exhibit their
conquest; they cannot dispense with attentions; they forget that the
demonstration of any peculiar condition of things in society must make
some one uncomfortable; the young lady is uncomfortable because she is
not equally happy; the young man detests what he calls nonsense; the old
think there is a time for all things. All sitting apart, therefore, and
peculiar displays, are in bad taste; I am inclined to think that they
often accompany insincerity, and that the truest affections are those
which are reserved for the genuine and heartfelt intimacy of private
interviews. At the same time, the airs of indifference and avoidance
should be equally guarded against; since, however strong and mutual
attachment may be, such a line of conduct is apt needlessly to mislead
others, and so produce mischief. True feeling, and a lady-like
consideration for others, a point in which the present generation
essentially fails, are the best guides for steering between the extremes
of demonstration on the one hand, and of frigidity on the other.
"During the arrangement of pecuniary matters, a young lady should
endeavor to understand what is going on, receiving it in a right spirit.
If she has fortune, she should, in all points left to her, be generous
and confiding, at the same time prudent. Many a man, she should
remember, may abound in excellent qualities, and yet be improvident. He
may mean to do well, yet have a passion for building; he may be the very
soul of good nature, yet fond of the gaming-table; he may have no wrong
propensities of that sort, and yet have a confused notion of accounts,
and be one of those men who muddle away a great deal of money, no one
knows how; or he may be a too strict economist, a man who takes too good
care of the pence, till he tires your very life out about an extra
dollar; or he may be facile or weakly good natured, and have a friend
who preys on him, and for whom he is disposed to become security.
Finally, the beloved Charles, Henry, or Reginald may have none of these
propensities, but may chance to be an honest merchant, or a tradesman,
with all his floating capital in business, and a consequent risk of
being one day rich, the next a pauper.
"Upon every account, therefore, it is desirable for a young lady to have
a settlement on her; and she should not, from a weak spirit of romance,
oppose her friends who advise it, since it is for her husband's
advantage as well as her own. By making a settlement there is always a
fund which cannot be touched--a something, however small, as a
provision for a wife and children; and whether she have fortune or not,
this ought to be made. An allowance for dress should also be arranged;
and this should be administered in such a way that a wife should not
have to ask for it at inconvenient hours, and thus irritate her husband.
"Every preliminary being settled, there remains nothing except to fix
the marriage-day, a point always left to the lady to advance; and next
to settle how the ceremonial is to be performed is the subject of
consideration.
"It is to be lamented that, previous to so solemn a ceremony, the
thoughts of the lady concerned must necessarily be engaged for some time
upon her _trousseau_. The _trousseau_ consists, in this country, of all
the habiliments necessary for a lady's use for the first two or three
years of her married life; like every other outfit there are always a
number of articles introduced into it that are next to useless, and are
only calculated for the vain-glory of the ostentatious.
"The _trousseau_ being completed, and the day fixed, it becomes
necessary to select the bridesmaids and the bridegroom's man, and to
invite the guests.
"The bridesmaids are from two to eight in number. It is ridiculous to
have many, as the real intention of the bridesmaid is, that she should
act as a witness of the marriage. It is, however, thought a compliment
to include the bride's sisters and those of the bridegroom's relations
and intimate friends, in case sisters do not exist.
"When a bride is young the bridesmaids should be young; but it is absurd
to see a 'single woman of a certain age,' or a widow, surrounded by
blooming girls, making her look plain and foolish. For them the discreet
woman of thirty-five is more suitable as a bridesmaid. Custom decides
that the bridesmaids should be spinsters, but there is no legal
objection to a married woman being a bridesmaid, should it be necessary,
as it might be abroad, or at sea, or where ladies are few in number.
Great care should be taken not to give offence in the choice of
bridesmaids by a preference, which is always in bad taste on momentous
occasions.
"The guests at the wedding should be selected with similar attention to
what is right and kind, with consideration to those who have a claim on
us, not only to what we ourselves prefer.
"For a great wedding breakfast, it is customary to send out printed
cards from the parents or guardians from whose house the young lady is
to be married.
"Early in the day, before eleven, the bride should be dressed, taking
breakfast in her own room. In America they load a bride with lace
flounces on a rich silk, and even sometimes with ornaments. In France it
is always remembered, with better taste, that when a young lady goes up
to the altar, she is '_encore jeune fille_;' her dress, therefore, is
exquisitely simple; a dress of tulle over white silk, a long, wide veil of
white tulle, going down to the very feet, a wreath of maiden-blush-roses
interspersed with orange flowers. This is the usual costume of a French
bride of rank, or in the middle classes equally.
"The gentleman's dress should differ little from his full morning
costume. The days are gone by when gentlemen were married--as a
recently deceased friend of mine was--in white satin breeches and
waistcoat. In these days men show less joy in their attire at the fond
consummation of their hopes, and more in their faces. A dark-blue
frock-coat--black being superstitiously considered ominous--a white
waistcoat, and a pair of light trousers, suffice for the 'happy man.'
The neck-tie also should be light and simple. Polished boots are not
amiss, though plain ones are better. The gloves must be as white as the
linen. Both are typical--for in these days types are as important as
under the Hebrew law-givers--of the purity of mind and heart which are
supposed to exist in their wearer. Eheu! after all, he cannot be too
well dressed, for the more gay he is the greater the compliment to his
bride. Flowers in the button-hole and a smile on the face show the
bridegroom to be really a 'happy man.'
"As soon as the carriages are at the door, those bridesmaids, who happen
to be in the house, and the other members of the family set off first.
The bride goes last, with her father and mother, or with her mother
alone, and the brother or relative who is to represent her father in
case of death or absence. The bridegroom, his friend, or bridegroom's
man, and the bridesmaids ought to be waiting in the church. The father
of the bride gives her his arm, and leads her to the altar. Here her
bridesmaids stand near her, as arranged by the clerk, and the bridegroom
takes his appointed place.
"It is a good thing for the bridegroom's man to distribute the different
fees to the clergyman or clergymen, the clerk, and pew-opener, before
the arrival of the bride, as it prevents confusion afterwards.
"The bride stands to the left of the bridegroom, and takes the glove off
her right hand, whilst he takes his glove off his right hand. The bride
gives her glove to the bridesmaid to hold, and sometimes to keep, as a
good omen.
"The service then begins. During the recital, it is certainly a matter
of feeling how the parties concerned should behave; but if tears can be
restrained, and a quiet modesty in the lady displayed, and her emotions
subdued, it adds much to the gratification of others, and saves a few
pangs to the parents from whom she is to part.
"It should be remembered that this is but the closing scene of a drama
of some duration--first the offer, then the consent and engagement. In
most cases the marriage has been preceded by acts which have stamped the
whole with certainty, although we do not adopt the contract system of
our forefathers, and although no event in this life can be certain.
"I have omitted the mention of the bouquet, because it seems to me
always an awkward addition to the bride, and that it should be presented
afterwards on her return to the breakfast. Gardenias, if in season,
white azalia, or even camellias, with very little orange flowers, form
the bridal bouquet. The bridesmaids are dressed, on this occasion, so as
to complete the picture with effect. When there are six or eight, it is
usual for three of them to dress in one color, and three in another. At
some of the most fashionable weddings in London, the bridesmaids wear
veils--these are usually of net or tulle; white tarlatan dresses, over
muslin or beautifully-worked dresses, are much worn, with colors
introduced--pink or blue, and scarves of those colors; and white
bonnets, if bonnets are worn, trimmed with flowers to correspond. These
should be simple, but the flowers as natural as possible, and of the
finest quality. The bouquets of the bridesmaids should be of mixed
flowers. These they may have at church, but the present custom is for
the gentlemen of the house to present them on their return home,
previous to the wedding breakfast.
"The register is then signed. The bride quits the church first with the
bridegroom, and gets into his carriage, and the father and mother,
bridesmaids, and bridegroom's man, follow in order in their own.
"The breakfast is arranged on one or more tables, and is generally
provided by a confectioner when expense is not an object.
"Presents are usual, first from the bridegroom to the bridesmaids. These
generally consist of jewelry, the device of which should be unique or
quaint, the article more elegant than massive. The female servants of
the family, more especially servants who have lived many years in their
place, also expect presents, such as gowns or shawls; or to a very
valued personal attendant or housekeeper, a watch. But on such points
discretion must suggest, and liberality measure out the _largesse_ of
the gift."
When the ceremony is performed at the house of the bride, the bridegroom
should be ready full half an hour before the time appointed, and enter
the parlor at the head of his army of bridesmaids and groomsmen, with
his fair bride on his arm. In America a groomsman is allowed for each
bridesmaid, whilst in England one poor man is all that is allowed for
six, sometimes eight bridesmaids. The brothers or very intimate friends
of the bride and groom are usually selected for groomsmen.