examinations, both husband and wife, for though failure to conceive used
to be attributed solely to the wife, we now know that in about thirty
percent of cases it is the husband who is the cause. Many remediable
physical conditions may be responsible for sterility, and the doctor, by
correcting them, has a wonderful chance to contribute to human
happiness. Many families feel the tragedy of not having children, and
yet do not realize the need of finding out what the trouble is. They
just drift along, assuming that nothing can be done, and often they
could be made fertile. This subject is ably discussed in _Human
Sterility_ by Dr. Samuel R. Meaker of the Boston University School of
Medicine.
When the doctor decides that there is practically no chance of a
couple's having children of their own, their strong family urge may lead
them to adopt some. They can find useful information in E. G.
Gallagher's _The Adopted Child_. It often happens that people get as
much satisfaction out of adopted children as they could have got out of
their own, finding cause for pride, inspiration, and comfort in their
unfolding toward maturity.
The question of whether we should adopt children when infants or
later--at some age under six--is worth considering. It may seem at first
glance that only infants raised from the cradle can really take the
place of children of our own. While this is partly true, there are
drawbacks to be considered. To begin with, the supply of infants for
adoption is not by any means large enough to meet the demand. Second,
more than half the number of small babies available are illegitimate,
and one can often learn little about the parentage. Though various
child-placing agencies find it difficult to allocate those children who
do not become available for adoption till the age of three or four or
later, there are many things to be said in favor of taking an older
child. More often they are legitimate and more facts about their
parentage can be ascertained; also, it is possible to apply intelligence
tests which will disclose whether their intelligence is normal or above.
Often those parents who want to adopt children tend to be intellectual,
and will find greater happiness in--and give greater happiness to--a
child who is of normal or superior intelligence.
You may object to the older child's early environment, thinking that it
must have permanently injured even the fairest of capacities. But
psychologists tell us that this is not really the case, and that the
unhappy effects of poor environment during the first five years of a
child's life can be removed, and the child reconditioned without too
much trouble. Couples who are no longer young should, perhaps, adopt
older children in order that they may stand in the most helpful age
relation to them.
Children adopted as infants should always be told that they are not the
flesh-and-bone children of the foster parents. This information, which
is bound to come to them, will come with less shock from the parents
themselves. At the age of five or six, when they first begin to be
interested in where children come from, is a good time to tell them. It
is agreed that the foster parents should use the word "chosen" rather
than "adopted"--they chose their children out of all the thousands
available, just as the foster father chose his wife, and the wife her
husband.
This attitude toward the question makes for a feeling of family
solidarity and loyalty no less profound than that between other parents
and children. Everything must be done to prevent feelings of inferiority
from growing out of the adoptive relationship: the children must never
be reminded of the fact of adoption, the parents must not expect more
gratitude from them than they would from offspring of their own, and
they must never, never shout thanks to God, in a moment of anger, that
the children are not really theirs. To do so is not to play the game.
After all, under most state laws, children may be adopted on trial for a
year. If the children are kept after that date, the parents bind
themselves in law and in morality to bring them up exactly as if they
were their own. I keep using the plural throughout this paragraph
because I assume, of course, that you will adopt at least two children
if it becomes necessary for you to plan in this way your version of a
splendid American family--strong, loving, and creative of an ever finer
future.
_Dr. Hornell Hart_
CHAPTER EIGHT
_Detour Around Reno_
David and Ruth have been married four years. The first few months were
glorious: they had to make minor adjustments, of course, but they had
thrilling times together, and it was a wonderful thing to have someone
you belonged to, someone so comforting and lovable. Yet lately there
have been difficulties. David believes in saving money; Ruth thinks that
you live only once and that you ought to spend your money--wisely, of
course--for the nice things and the great experiences, especially since
there is no telling when the bank will fail or when the bottom will drop
out of the stock market and you will lose all you've invested. David
likes to get away from the house at night--to see friends, and keep up
with really good movies. Ruth prefers night clubs and gay parties. David
thinks Ruth ought to be more careful about those white lies and those
extremely décolleté dresses; Ruth thinks David is rather a prude and
mighty inconsiderate in the way he keeps picking on her. And then there
is Junior. Ruth believes in loving one's children wholeheartedly and
trusting that affection and understanding will bring them through all
right in the long run; David thinks that right from the cradle
youngsters need to build character and to learn that they have to obey.
Two days ago there was quite a quarrel, when Ruth ordered the new
electric stove without consulting David--and on the same day he
discovered that she had accidentally overdrawn the bank account! Neither
one has spoken it, but the word DIVORCE has been saying itself
behind those set lips and those coldly polite faces.
This falling out between David and Ruth represents one general type of
marital conflict. A man and a woman differing somewhat in
temperament--as any two people differ, more or less--find themselves
being hurt by the other's ways of acting. Each allows a sense of
antagonism to grow up. This makes them more ready to resent the next
difference in opinion or purpose. Once started, the feeling of enmity
can grow like a snowball until neither one is willing to believe in the
other's honesty, fairness, or decency. This road leads straight to Reno.
But there are many other ways of falling out in marriage. For example,
there is the experience of Henry and Mary. They had a queer sort of
engagement. They enjoyed each other's friends and had wonderful times
playing tennis and going to shows together. But when it came to
love-making, Henry always felt that he had made a clumsy fool of
himself, and Mary always felt a turmoil of baffled emotions. Their
honeymoon was a ghastly failure. Of course Mary knew that there was such
a thing as sex, but her parents had given her a feeling that the less
people had to do with such things, the better. Her marriage night left
her with a feeling of blind revulsion. She tried honestly to overcome it
through the months that followed, but she had to force herself to
respond to Henry's caresses, and he knew bitterly that she hated the
relation which for him was a deep and urgent need.
In the years that followed they had four children and loved them dearly.
They still enjoyed going out together, entertaining their many friends,
and taking part together in their church activities; but there was a
grim disappointment back of it all, and every now and then it broke out
in harsh words which both of them regretted.
Sexual frustration as experienced by Henry and Mary--or arising from
various other causes--is a factor in many marital conflicts.
Our next example illustrates another type of disharmony. Helen was
really the one who brought about her marriage to William. She was a
capable businesswoman, earning a good salary. He was the only son of a
divorced woman. His mother loved him dearly; he was her great source of
comfort in the loneliness and disappointment of her own wrecked
marriage. Helen saw the fine qualities in him and felt that he was being
shut away from normal life because his mother wrapped herself around
him. When the mother was laid up in the hospital for three months, Helen
set about a well-planned campaign. They were married shortly afterward.
His mother valiantly refrained from going with them on the
honeymoon--and arranged for them to live across the hall from her in the
same apartment building. William felt sincerely that he must not allow
his mother to be lonely, and he could not understand why his wife showed
irritation when the three of them were together four or five nights
every week and throughout the summer vacation. But when he realized that
it was not working out, they finally moved to the other side of town and
limited the evenings with his mother to two or three a week.
When they first married, William insisted that his wife give up her
work, and he also felt that he ought to manage the family finances--with
his mother's constant advice. Helen longed for children, and she
surrendered her business career in the hope that she might have a
family. But no children came, and at last Helen found a new position,
not so good as the one from which she had resigned.
She loves William passionately, but she feels that his mother has
spoiled their marriage. William loves Helen, but feels that she is
unaccountably hard and unfriendly toward his mother, and he is
distressed by her insistence upon earning her own income. The mother
wants both to be happy and is willing to retire into the background, but
she believes that Helen does not really appreciate William; as a mother
she does not propose to see her son's life ruined by any woman.
William's mother fixation is a somewhat extreme example of a fairly
frequent source of conflict. In some cases the bride suffers from father
fixation, and her husband suffers accordingly.
Our fourth case illustrates another widespread type of marriage problem.
Sam had had a gay and jolly life before he married. Mabel felt keen
pride when she finally captured him from the other girls. He really
meant to settle down and be loyal to her when they married. Their
passion for each other was absorbing and wonderful for a while. Twins
were born promptly, and a year later came another child. The babies kept
Mabel tied down rather closely to the home. Sam often found her with
wildly straying hair and a mussed dress when he came home, and her
temper was apt to be on wire edge after nights of being up with the
children. Sam always seemed to be sound asleep when the children needed
attention.
Mabel became careless about the cooking: the food was often burned,
cold, lumpy, and poorly seasoned. She noticed that Sam always
brightened up when a pretty girl was near.
He used to go out often "to play cards with the boys," and Mabel twice
found lipstick on his handkerchief.
A nice medical student who rooms next door has now taken to dropping in
to talk to Mabel. She wonders--since Sam is so free and easy--whether
she might not also pick up a little thrill on the side. And the
neighbors have recently overheard some violent arguments between Sam and
Mabel.
* * * * *
Four typical cases of unhappy marriage have been sketched: a man and
woman who are allowing differences of opinion to grow into intense
antagonism, a couple suffering from miscarriage of their sex life, a
vigorous woman married childlessly to a mother-absorbed man, and an
overworked and rather careless mother married to a man who is always
seeking fresh romance. By way of contrast let us look at a quite
different type of marriage.
Charles and Anna have been married twenty years. Loving each other has
been the great adventure of their lives--that and having their three
children. They always regarded marriage as a partnership--fifty-fifty,
they used to say. There have been times of stress, but they have always
been able to talk their problems out together. There have even been
outbursts now and then when they have got behind on their sleep, and
when each of them has been trying so hard to hold down the lid that it
has finally blown off. But always these storms have cleared the air, and
afterward they have come closer to each other than before. Marriage, for
them both, is the great central core of life--focus of love, faith, and
joy.
In spite of all that appears in the tabloid newspapers, the
Charles-and-Anna type of marriage is far more typical than the
experiences of the other four couples whose stories have just been
sketched. In almost every marriage there are rich values to be preserved
and possibilities of deeper and fuller joy than have ever been achieved.
Our purpose in this article is to point out some of the practical steps
which can be taken by couples who do have fallings out, to eliminate
friction, to keep love alive, and to discover the deeper and wider
happiness which might be theirs.
_Five Ways To Go_
No matter what crisis one confronts in life, there are the following
five possible ways of reacting:
_1. One may acquiesce ignobly._ That means to give in weakly, to "take
it lying down," as the boys say. If one is disappointed in one's wife or
one's husband, if one's sex life in marriage is a failure, if one's
in-laws intrude disastrously, if one's mate follows loves outside of
marriage, or if any other catastrophe overtakes one's home, one can give
way to hopeless lamentation and self-pity: "There's nothing I can do
about it. It's just a rotten world. Nobody ever gives me a decent
chance. I suppose I've got to live along and pretend I don't care. Poor
me!"
_2. One may evade cravenly._ That means to run away like a coward. Many
divorces are simply a blind and frantic attempt to escape from
suffering. Some divorces, of course, are the best possible solution of a
bad situation. But quite often the persons seeking the divorce are
really trying to run away from themselves. They have never learned how
to live in friendly happiness with other people. If they marry again,
they will promptly find themselves in new suffering because they have
never solved the basic problems of their own personalities. Sometimes
the cowardly evasion is mental instead of physical. The husband or wife
retires into a private world and puts up an icy barrier against the
partner. In any case this type of solution is a blind attempt to run
away from the problem instead of facing it bravely, trying to understand
it, and seeking the wisest and best solution possible.
_3. One may attack vindictively._ Most husbands and wives who are
skidding toward divorce have convinced themselves that their marriage
partners are villains. "This person I married is to blame. He is
selfish, heartless, cruel, disloyal, lazy, and nasty. He has hurt me
terribly, but I'll get even. I'm going to make him suffer the way he's
made me suffer. I'll show him that he can't do that to me!"
_4. One may grapple courageously._ This means to look the situation
squarely in the face, to study it calmly, open-mindedly, and thoroughly.
It means to discover the real causes for the disaster, to take an
inventory of all the possible resources, and then deliberately and
bravely to choose whatever line of action seems most likely to lead up
out of the swamp onto higher ground. In any problem which we face, some
of the conditions are almost completely beyond our control. One cannot
do much, for example, to change the kind of mother whom one's husband
has had, to reverse his inherited characteristics, or to cure the
economic depression against which he may have to struggle. But certain
other conditions one _can_ change. Especially, if one will, one can
alter one's own ways of acting, of talking, and even of thinking. The
courageous grappler accepts without despair the unchangeable factors in
his problem and sets about correcting the conditions which _are_ within
his control--especially his own patterns of living.
_5. One may cooperate creatively._ This means that one will still
grapple courageously, but not as a lone wolf. One will seek to
understand the other people who are involved: one's husband or wife,
one's children, one's relatives, one's rivals, and all the other people
who have any part or interest in the family problem. To understand
means to be able to see the situation sympathetically through their
eyes, but without losing perspective. Cooperating creatively means
teamwork. It means discovering what is the best solution for everybody
involved, and then working wholeheartedly toward that solution. The rest
of this article is devoted to outlining some practical steps toward
cooperating creatively when one has fallen out with one's marriage
partner.
If you yourself are confronting difficulties in your marriage, you may
find it helpful to note down each of the following steps on a sheet of
paper and then write in after each step the applications that fit your
own case. See whether you can transpose these suggestions into the terms
of _your_ problem. If you start thinking about what you face, in the
light of these steps, you will probably find new ideas and fresh
possibilities coming into your mind as you write. Those solutions which
spring up in your own thinking may prove to be just the aids which you
need to get a new grip and to start transforming your marriage into a
thing of new beauty, joy, and power.
_Ten Steps To Marital Adjustment_
_1. Abandon all feelings of resentment._ Emotional antagonism toward
one's mate, or toward other personalities in the problem, acts as an
effective barrier against finding the creative solution and against
putting it into effect. What you hate you cannot understand, because you
are ready to believe all evil of it, and unprepared to perceive its
good. Therefore surrender all grudges, jealousies, and feelings of
contempt. Emotions of enmity distort one's vision and impel one toward
actions and words that are not wise. When one person feels resentment
against another, the other is likely to feel resentment in return. This
intensifies the first resentment, and so the hatred grows. Someone has
to break the vicious cycle. Don't wait for your marriage mate to take
the first step if this joy-destroying process has started in your home.
Forgive and forget. Let good will take the place of antagonism in your
own consciousness, even though your mate continues to carry on the old
grudge for a while.
_2. Eliminate needless irritants and antagonizers._ Make a careful and
thorough study of the things that are hurting, distressing, or thwarting
your mate. Here is a check list which includes some of the most frequent
annoyers in married life.
Stop criticizing your mate--above all in the presence of other people,
but also in private.
Carefully avoid every action or situation which makes your mate feel
inferior, or which brings him unnecessary failures, even in small
things. Don't insist on playing bridge if he a poor player; don't
cultivate witty conversations with brilliant people if he feels like a
dub in such company; don't throw him into contrast with people who are
stronger, more successful, or better educated than he; avoid those
situations in which you demonstrate your own superiority over him.
Study to eliminate the topics of conversation which are annoying to him:
stop bringing up the subject of his shiftless relatives, the time he
went bankrupt, the occasion on which he made a fool of himself, or that
political or religious question on which you always quarrel.
Replace those items of household equipment which keep causing
unnecessary pain, labor, and irritation: that leaky faucet, that
worn-out washing machine, that broken light switch, that asthmatic
vacuum sweeper, that torn rug, that decrepit snow shovel, that
ready-to-be-junked lawn mower.
Avoid inflicting unnecessarily on your mate people or pastimes which
bore him. Don't drag him to teas or to concerts or to prize fights if
these events pain and torture him.
Form the habit of keeping all appointments with your mate on the
punctual minute. But (unjust as this may seem) do not demand that your
mate do likewise.
Never read at the table unless your mate also has something interesting
to read and agrees to the arrangement.
Bring your mate into contact with your relatives so infrequently and
under such favorable circumstances that their liking for each other will
flourish rather than perish.
Do not try that dangerous experiment of flirting with someone else in
order to keep your mate interested in you.
Never repulse your mate's sexual advances in a way which will seem
unloving, contemptuous, or irritated. If you cannot respond fully at the
moment, be sure that you express unmistakably your respect, your
affection, and your comradeship, and make it clear that the necessary
sexual denial is a mere postponement.
Watch to see whether you are needlessly violating your mate's ideals of
courtesy, decency, good sportmanship, generosity, or honor.
See whether you can discover any other way in which you have been
unnecessarily irritating or hurting your mate, and make a clean break
with that joy-destroying habit.
_3. Find ways to do new joyful things together_, even in seemingly
trivial ways. The long check list under item 2 is largely negative. Add
the positive side. Buy your mate little presents--from the ten-cent
store and occasionally from more expensive places. Make a private list
of the small things that please him most (yellow jonquils, Olivia de
Havilland, dipped caramels, picnics, chicken pie, Bill Smith, ice-box
snacks, Beethoven records, best-seller novels, theatre parties, grape
juice with ginger ale, odd china, or whatever they are) and make a habit
of springing small but delightful surprises. Cultivate the friendly
little family jokes that grow up wherever people enjoy each other
intimately.
_4. Have children together_ if you possibly can. Have them deliberately,
by mutual agreement. Have as many as your mate can wholeheartedly agree
to, and throw yourselves into the great adventure of giving them the
best possible start in life. Remember that the finest things you can
give your children are courage, self-respect, faith, understanding of
beauty, comradeship, and the eager desire to serve their fellowmen.
These great endowments can be given to one's sons and daughters even
though one has a severe struggle to give them good clothes and an
education. Often the financially hard-pressed give their young a far
richer heritage than do those who are wealthy but neglectful.
_5. Understand your mate._ Set about that job as though your life
depended on it. Your married life and its happiness _do_ depend on it.
Understanding one's wife or husband is far more important than earning a
college degree--and even more thrilling and absorbing, if one goes about
it in the right way. Spend time alone, quietly, affectionately, and
dispassionately thinking about your mate. What have been his great
emotional experiences in life? What are the main drives that determine
his ways of acting? What are his deepest aspirations and longings? What
are his unrealized possibilities? What are the things that have most
thwarted him and kept him from achieving what he has hoped to do?
Sometimes the process of understanding oneself and one's mate calls for
expert help. Skilled marriage counselors are available increasingly in
our larger cities (but be sure to go only to those who have demonstrated
their skill and training by helping other people whom you know and
helping them over a considerable period of time).
Sometimes magazine articles will help. Excellent books on marriage and
family life are available at public libraries.
_6. Discuss your vital family problems_ with your mate frankly, but do
not argue endlessly. If there are tensions in your married life, bring
them into the open, honestly and courageously. Don't try to convert your
mate to your point of view; try to understand his point of view. Try to
understand each other. But after you have cleared the air and shared
your ideas and your problems do not rehash and repeat and go back over
and over again until you are both weary and rebellious. Marriage is a
partnership, not a debating society.