I
Mr. Spalding had gone out into the garden to find peace, and had not
found it. He sat there, with hunched shoulders and bowed head, dejected
in the spring sunshine.
Jerry, the black cat, invited him to play; he stood on his hind legs and
danced, and bowed sideways, and waved his forelegs in the air like
wings. At any other time his behaviour would have enchanted Mr.
Spalding, but now he couldn’t even look at him; he was too miserable.
He had gone to bed miserable; he had passed a night of misery, and he
had waked up more miserable than ever. He had been like that for three
days and three nights straight on end, and no wonder. It wasn’t only
that his young wife Elizabeth had run away with Paul Jeffreson, the
Imagist poet. Besides the frailty of Elizabeth, he had discovered a
fatal flaw in his own system of metaphysics. His belief in Elizabeth was
gone. So was his belief in the Absolute.
The two things had come at once, to crush him. And he had to own
bitterly that they were not altogether unrelated. “If,” Mr. Spalding
said to himself, “I had served my wife as faithfully as I have served my
God, she would not now have deserted me for Paul Jeffreson.” He meant
that if he had not been wrapped up in his system of metaphysics,
Elizabeth might still have been wrapped up in him. He had nobody but
himself to thank for her behaviour.
If she had run away with anybody else, since run she must, he might have
forgiven her; he might have forgiven himself; but there could be nothing
but misery in store for Elizabeth. Paul Jeffreson had genius, Mr.
Spalding didn’t deny it; immortal genius; but he had no morals; he
drank; he drugged; in Mr. Spalding’s decent phrase, he did everything he
shouldn’t do.
You would have thought this overwhelming disaster would have completely
outweighed the other trouble. But no; Mr. Spalding had a balanced mind;
he mourned with equal sorrow the loss of his wife and the loss of his
Absolute. A flaw in a metaphysical system may seem to you a small thing;
but you must bear in mind that, ever since he could think at all, Mr.
Spalding had been devoured by a hunger and thirst after metaphysical
truth. He had flung over the God he had been taught to believe in
because, besides being an outrage to Mr. Spalding’s moral sense, he
wasn’t metaphysical enough. The poor man was always worrying about
metaphysics; he wandered from system to system, seeking truth, seeking
reality, seeking some supreme intellectual satisfaction that never came.
He thought he had found it in his theory of Absolute Pantheism. But
really, Spalding’s Pantheism, anybody’s Pantheism for that matter,
couldn’t, when you brought it down to bed-rock thinking, hold water for
a minute. And the more Absolute he made it, the leakier it was.
For, consider, on Mr. Spalding’s theory, there isn’t any reality except
the Absolute. Things are only real because they exist in It; because It
is Them. Mr. Spalding conceived that his consciousness and Elizabeth’s
consciousness and Paul Jeffreson’s consciousness existed somehow in the
Absolute unchanged. For, if that inside existence changed them you would
have to say that the ground of their present appearance lay somewhere
outside the Absolute, which to Mr. Spalding was rank blasphemy. And if
Elizabeth and Paul Jeffreson existed in the Absolute unchanged, then
their adultery existed there unchanged. And an adultery within the
Absolute outraged his moral sense as much as anything he had been told
about God in his youth. The odd thing was that until Elizabeth had run
away and committed it he had never thought of that. The metaphysics of
Pantheism had interested him much more than its ethics. And now he could
think of nothing else.
And it wasn’t only Elizabeth and her iniquity; there were all the
intolerable people he had ever known. There was his Uncle Sims, a mean
sneak if ever there was one; and his Aunt Emily, a silly fool; and his
cousin, Tom Rumbold, an obscene idiot. And his uncle’s mean
sneak-ishness, and his aunt’s silly folly, and his cousin’s obscene
idiocy would have to exist in the Absolute, too; and unchanged, mind
you.
And the things you see and hear—A blue sky, now, would it be blue in the
Sight of God, or just something inconceivable? And noises, music? For
example, I am listening to Grand Opera, and you to the jazz band in your
restaurant; but the God of Pantheism is listening to both, to all the
noises in the universe at once. As if He had sat down on the piano. This
idea shocked Mr. Spalding even more than the thought of Elizabeth’s
misconduct.
Time went on. Paul Jeffreson drank himself to death. Elizabeth, worn out
with grief, died of pneumonia following influenza; and Mr. Spalding
still went about worrying over his inadjustable metaphysics.
And at last he, too, found himself dying.
And then he began to worry about other things. Things that had, as he
put it, “happened” in his youth, before he knew Elizabeth, and one thing
that had happened after she left him. He thought of them as just
happening; happening _to_ him rather than _through_ him, against his
will. In calm, philosophic moments he couldn’t conceive how they had
ever happened at all, how, for example, he could have endured Connie
Larkins. The episodes had been brief, because in each case boredom and
disgust had supervened to put asunder what Mr. Spalding owned should
never have been joined. Brief, insignificant as they were, Mr. Spalding,
in his dying state, was worried when he looked back on them. Supposing
they were more significant than they had seemed? Supposing they had an
eternal significance and entailed tremendous consequences in the
after-life? Supposing you were not just wiped out, that there really
_was_ an after-life? Supposing that in that other world there was a
hell?
Mr. Spalding could imagine no worse hell than the eternal repetition of
such incidents; eternal repetition of boredom and disgust. Fancy going
on with Connie Larkins for ever and ever, never being able to get away
from her, doomed to repeat—And, if there _was_ an Absolute, if there was
reality, truth, never knowing it; being cut off from it for ever—
“He that is filthy let him be filthy still.”
That was hell, the continuance of the filthy state.
He wondered whether goodness was not, after all, _the_ important thing;
he wondered whether there really was a next world; with an extreme
uneasiness he wondered what would happen to him in it.
He died wondering.