_Two Brothers are seated here, who may be distinguished for the purposes
of dialogue as the_ Good Brother _and the_ Bad Brother _respectively.
The_ Good B. _appears (somewhat against his will) to be acting as host,
though he restricts his own refreshment to an orange, which he eats with
an air of severe reproof._ The Bad B. _who has a shifty sullen look and
a sodden appearance generally, is devouring cold meat with the intense
solemnity of a person conscious of being more than three parts drunk.
Both attempt to give their remarks an ordinary conversational tone._
_The Bad B. (suddenly, with his mouth full)._ Will you lend me five
shillings?
_The Good B._ No, I won't. I see no reason why I should.
_The B. B. (in a low passionate voice)._ Will you lend me five
shillings?
_The G. B. (endeavouring to maintain a virtuous calm)._ I don't _think_
I will.
_B. B._ You've been giving money away all the afternoon to people after
_I_ asked you for some!
_G. B. (roused)._ I was _not_. It's dashed impertinence of you to say
such a thing as that. I'm sick of this dashed nonsense--sick and tired
of it! If I hadn't some principle left still, I should have gone to the
East long ago!
_B. B._ I'm glad you didn't. I want five shillings.
_G. B._ Want five shillings! You keep on saying that, and never say what
you want it _for_. You must have some object. Do you want it to go and
get drunk on?
_B. B. (with a beery persistence)._ Lend me five shillings.
_G. B. (reflectively)._ I don't intend to.
_B. B. (in a tone of compromise)._ Then lend me a sovereign.
_G. B. (changing the subject with a chilling hospitality)._ Would you
like anything after that beef?
_B. B. (doggedly)._ I should like five shillings.
_G. B. (irrelevantly)._ Look here! I at _once_ admit you've got more
brain than I have.
_B. B. (handsomely)._ Not at all--it's you that have got more brain than
me.
_G. B. (rejecting this overture suspiciously)._ I've more principle at
any rate, and, to tell you the truth, I'm not going to put up with this
dashed impertinent treatment any longer!
_B. B._ You're not, eh? Then lend me five shillings.
_G. B. (desperately)._ Here, Waiter--bill. I pay for this gentleman.
_Waiter (after adding up the items)._ One and four, if you please.
[_The G. B. pays._
_B. B._ And dashed cheap too!
[_A small Cook-boy in white comes up to_ Waiter _and whispers_.
_Waiter._ Ze boy say zat gentilman (_pointing to_ B. B.) tell him to
give twopence for him to ze Cook.
_G. B. (austerely)._ I have nothing to do with that--he must settle it
with him.
_B. B. (with fierce indignation)._ It's a lie! I gave the boy the money.
It was a penny!
_Waiter (impassively)._ Ze boy say you did not give nosing.
_B. B. (to G. B.)._ Be d----d! Don't you pay it--it's a rascally
imposition! See, Garcong, I'll tell you in French. _J'ai donné l'homme,
le chef, doo soo (holding up two fingers) pour lui-même-à servir._
_G. B._ I'm sorry to have to say it--but I don't believe your story.
[_To the B. B._
_B. B. (rising)._ I'm going to have it out with Cook. (_Lurches up to
door leading to kitchen and exit. Sounds of altercation below. Re-enter
B. B. pursued by Voice. B. B. turning at door._) What did you say?
_Voice._ I say you are dronken Ingelis pig, _cochon, va_!
_B. B. Well,--_it's just as well you didn't say any more. (_Goes
up to_ Waiter, _confidentially_). That man down there was mos'
insultin'--_mos'_ insultin'. But, there, I'll give _you_ the
penny--there it is. (_Presses that coin into_ Waiter's _hand and closes
his fingers over it._) Put it in your pocket, quick--say no more 'bout
it, Goo' ni'. Only--remember (_pausing on threshold à la Charles the
First_) if anyone wantsh row--(_with recollection of Duke's motto_)--I'm
here! That 'sh all. (_To G. B._) I shall say goo' ni' to _you_ outside.
[_Exit B. B. unsteadily._
_The G. B._ (_solemnly to_ Waiter). I tell you what it is--I'm ashamed
of him. There, I _am_. I'm _ashamed_ of him!
[_He stalks after his Brother; sounds of renewed argument without, as
Scene closes in._
* * * * *
BACON AGAIN.--An erudite student informs us that "the crest of
SHAKSPEARE'S mother's family was a boar," so that there is something
Baconian about the Immortal Bard.
* * * * *
_À PROPOS_ OF THE WELSH GOLD FIND.--Advice Gratis:--Beware of Welshers.
* * * * *
[Illustration: hand symbol] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or
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will be no exception.
[Transcriber's Note:
Italic text indicated by underscores (_) at the start and end.