"Aren't you being rather badly hit by the price of tobacco?" I asked
Charles, whose pipe is a kind of extra limb to him.
"I have just been composing the plot of a novel," he replied with apparent
irrelevance. "It begins something like this:--
"'Slowly and softly the violet dusk set in. The beautiful young Première
stood at the window of her yellow-and-black boudoir, gazing a little
wistfully at the almost deserted pavements of Downing Street. A white
pigeon perched--'"
"They aren't white," I said; "they're a sort of purply pinky grey."
"All right," said Charles, unmoved, "only it rather spoils the sentence. 'A
sort of purply pinky grey pigeon perched pompously--'"
"Never mind the pigeon," I said, "tell me what was the trouble with the
B.Y.P."
"A change in the leadership of the Opposition. The old leaderess had just
retired and her place had been taken by a new one, a man this time, young
and handsome as Apollo, who had thrown up the Chair of Cinematography at
the London University to plunge on to a political platform."
"What was the programme," I inquired, "of this--er--furniture-remover?"
"He was a reactionary," said Charles. "The Première's party had won a not
too sweeping victory at the polls on prohibition (not of alcohol, of
course--that had been done long ago--but of tobacco)."
"How on earth did she do it?"
"National economy, mostly," answered Charles. "She had the wives' vote
solid, and they carried the more docile of the husbands with them. She had
to throw out bribes to the unmarried electorate of both sexes, of course,
bribes which she had since been attempting to pay. Powder and chocolates
had been made cheaper. There was the Endowment of Cinemas Act of 1948, and
the Subsidized Football Bill of '49. But all these extravagances had
largely ruined the effect of the abolition of tobacco. At the beginning of
that year she had been obliged to cancel the State holiday on Mondays--"
"Why Mondays?" I inquired.
"Everyone feels beastly on Monday."
"But I don't see why they should feel any better on Tuesday."
"It was twenty-four hours nearer Saturday," he replied, "and Saturday was
also a State holiday. Labour, of course, was infuriated, and unrest was
every day becoming more apparent. The by-elections were going against the
Première. And now this new handsome young hero had arisen not only to
crystallise the support of his own sex, but capture the hearts of all the
female electorate under twenty."
"Twenty!" I gasped.
"Everyone over fifteen had the franchise," said Charles calmly. "Now mark
you, the programme of the Opposition was very cunning. They only proposed
to reintroduce cigar and cigarette smoking. Edward Oburn, the young leader,
being a film actor, naturally smoked nothing but exquisite Havanas. In this
he had the support of the wealthier employers, but the enormous army of
cigarette-suckers, male and female, was with him.
"But I don't see how he proposed to cut down expenses," I objected.
"He was going to tax the printing of all words over two syllables in
length," replied Charles. "The Press of those days was not affected by the
proposal, but a considerable revenue was expected from scientific books,
high-brow novels and Socialistic publications. Well, the Première, as I
say, was a prey to sad reflections, when suddenly the chur-chur of a
taxi--"
"Aren't you thinking of night-jars?" I said.
"Possibly I am," he admitted; "it may have been a chug-chug. Anyway, it
threw a wide arc of light into the gloom and stopped at the door of No. 10.
A few moments later the door of the boudoir was flung open and the
Chancellor of the Exchequer was announced."
"What did _she_ want?"
"She was a he this time, and had come to announce the inevitable--the very
thing that the Première was thinking about and fearing. 'We must have the
Bachelor Tax,'" he said.
"Now, the Bachelor Tax had been tried some twenty years before, but had
failed, partly owing to the number of passive resisters who had had to be
forcibly fed, and partly owing to the number of men who had shown
substantial proof of recurrent rejections. How were they to bring in a
reasonable and satisfactory Bill? After a long consultation, lasting
several hours beyond midnight--"
"Did the taxi go on chugging?" I asked.
"Shut up. They decided eventually that if a bachelor made a written
proposal and was rejected he was entitled to have his case tried before a
jury of women, who should decide whether it was a reasonable offer and one
that should normally have been accepted. If they found that it was, he was
to be exempt from further efforts. The Bill was accordingly drafted, and
carried easily, and the sequel no doubt you have guessed. On the day after
it became law the beautiful young Première received a neatly-typed offer of
marriage from Edward Oburn. They met; there was a scene of the utmost
beauty and pathos; they became engaged, and the Coalition Government of the
middle of 1950 began."
"How long did it go on?" I inquired.
"Until the day of revolution," said Charles pleasantly, refilling his foul
old briar--"the great day when Fleet Street ran with blood and the
pipe-smokers put up barricades in the Strand, and Piccadilly became a
reeking shambles. Have you got a match?"