Introductions.
An acquaintanceship or friendship usually begins by means of
introductions, though it is by no means uncommon that when it has taken
place under other circumstances--without introduction--it has been a
great advantage to both parties; nor can it be said that it is improper
to begin an acquaintance in this way. The formal introduction has been
called the highway to the beginning of friendship, and the "scraped"
acquaintance the by-path.
PROMISCUOUS INTRODUCTION.
There is a large class of people who introduce friends and acquaintances
to everybody they meet, whether at home or abroad, while walking or
riding out. Such promiscuous introductions are neither necessary,
desirable, nor at all times agreeable.
AN INTRODUCTION A SOCIAL ENDORSEMENT.
It is to be remembered that an introduction is regarded as a social
endorsement of the person introduced, and that, under certain
circumstances, it would be wrong to introduce to our friends casual
acquaintances, of whom we know nothing, and who may afterwards prove to
be anything but desirable persons to know. Care should be taken,
therefore, in introducing two individuals, that the introduction be
mutually agreeable. Whenever it is practicable, it is best to settle the
point by inquiring beforehand. When this is inexpedient from any cause,
a thorough acquaintance with both parties will warrant the introducer to
judge of the point for him or herself.
UNIVERSAL INTRODUCTIONS.
While the habit of universal introductions is a bad one, there are many
men in cities and villages who are not at all particular whom they
introduce to each other. As a general rule, a man should be as careful
about the character of the person he introduces to his friends, as he is
of him whose notes he would endorse.
THE INTRODUCTION OF A GENTLEMAN TO A LADY.
A gentleman should not be introduced to a lady, unless her permission
has been previously obtained, and no one should ever be introduced into
the house of a friend, except permission is first granted. Such
introductions, however, are frequent, but they are improper, for a
person cannot know that an introduction of this kind will be agreeable.
If a person asks you to introduce him to another, or a gentleman asks to
be introduced to a lady, and you find the introduction would not be
agreeable to the other party, you may decline on the grounds that you
are not sufficiently intimate to take that liberty.
When a gentleman is introduced to a lady, both bow slightly, and the
gentleman opens conversation. It is the place of the one who is
introduced to make the first remark.
INFORMAL INTRODUCTION.
It is not strictly necessary that acquaintanceship should wait a formal
introduction. Persons meeting at the house of a common friend may
consider that fact a sufficient warrant for the preliminaries of
acquaintanceship, if there appears to be a mutual inclination toward
such acquaintanceship. The presence of a person in a friend's house is a
sufficient guaranty for his or her respectability. Gentlemen and ladies
may form acquaintances in traveling, on a steamboat, in a railway car,
or a stage-coach, without the formality of an introduction. Such
acquaintanceship should be conducted with a certain amount of reserve,
and need not be prolonged beyond the time of casual meeting. The
slightest approach to disrespect or familiarity should be checked by
dignified silence. A young lady, however, is not accorded the same
privilege of forming acquaintances as is a married or elderly lady, and
should be careful about doing so.
INTRODUCTIONS AT A BALL.
It is the part of the host and hostess at a ball to introduce their
guests, though guests may, with perfect propriety, introduce each
other, or, as already intimated, may converse with one another without
the ceremony of a formal introduction. A gentleman, before introducing
his friends to ladies, should obtain permission of the latter to do so,
unless he is perfectly sure, from his knowledge of the ladies, that the
introductions will be agreeable. The ladies should always grant such
permission, unless there is a strong reason for refusing. The French,
and to some extent the English, dispense with introductions at a private
ball. The fact that they have been invited to meet each other is
regarded as a guaranty that they are fit to be mutually acquainted, and
is a sufficient warrant for self-introduction. At a public ball partners
must be introduced to each other. Special introducing may be made with
propriety by the master of ceremonies. At public balls it is well for
ladies to dance only, or for the most part, with gentlemen of their own
party, or those with whom they have had a previous acquaintance.
THE MANNER OF INTRODUCTION.
The proper form of introduction is to present the gentleman to the lady,
the younger to the older, the inferior in social standing to the
superior. In introducing, you bow to the lady and say, "Miss C., allow
me to introduce to you Mr. D. Mr. D., Miss C." It is the duty of Mr. D.
upon bowing to say, "It gives me great pleasure to form your
acquaintance, Miss C.," or a remark of this nature.
If gentlemen are to be introduced to one another, the form is, "Col.
Blank, permit me to introduce to you Mr. Cole. Mr. Cole, Col. Blank."
The exact words of an introduction are immaterial, so long as the proper
form and order is preserved.
The word "present" is often used in place of "introduce." While it is
customary to repeat the names of the two parties introduced at the close
of the introduction, it is often omitted as a useless formality. It is
of the utmost importance that each name should be spoken distinctly. If
either of the parties does not distinctly hear the name of the other he
should say at once, without hesitation or embarrassment, before making
the bow, "I beg your pardon; I did not catch (or understand) the name,"
when it may be repeated to him.
If several persons are to be introduced to one individual, mention the
name of the single individual first, and then call the others in
succession, bowing slightly as each name is pronounced.
It is the part of true politeness, after introductions, to explain to
each person introduced something of the business or residence of each,
as they will assist in opening conversation. Or, if one party has
recently returned from a foreign trip, it is courteous to say so.
CASUAL INTRODUCTIONS.
While it is not necessary to introduce people who chance to meet in your
house during a morning call; yet, if there is no reason for supposing
that such an introduction will be objectionable to either party, it
seems better to give it, as it sets both parties at ease in
conversation. Acquaintanceship may or may not follow such an
introduction, at the option of the parties. People who meet at the house
of a mutual friend need not recognize each other as acquaintances if
they meet again elsewhere, unless they choose to do so.
INTRODUCING RELATIVES.
In introducing members of your own family, be careful not only to
specify the degree of relationship, but to give the name also. It is
awkward to a stranger to be introduced to "My brother Tom," or "My
sister Carrie." When either the introducer or the introduced is a
married lady, the name of the party introduced can only be guessed at.
BESTOWING OF TITLES.
In introducing a person give him his appropriate title. If he is a
clergyman, say "The Rev. Mr. Clark." If a doctor of divinity, say "The
Rev. Dr. Clark." If he is a member of Congress, call him "Honorable,"
and specify to which branch of Congress he belongs. If he is governor of
a State, mention what State. If he is a man of any celebrity in the
world of art or letters, it is well to mention the fact something after
this manner: "Mr. Fish, the artist, whose pictures you have frequently
seen," or "Mr. Hart, author of 'Our Future State,' which you so greatly
admired."
OBLIGATORY INTRODUCTIONS.
A friend visiting at your house must be introduced to all callers, and
courtesy requires the latter to cultivate the acquaintance while your
visitor remains with you. If you are the caller introduced, you must
show the same attention to the friend of your friend that you wish shown
your own friends under the same circumstances. Persons meeting at public
places need not introduce each other to the strangers who may chance to
be with them; and, even if the introduction does take place, the
acquaintance need not be continued unless desired.
THE OBLIGATION OF AN INTRODUCTION.
Two persons who have been properly introduced have in future certain
claims upon one another's acquaintance which should be recognized,
unless there are sufficient reasons for overlooking them. Even in that
case good manners require the formal bow of recognition upon meeting,
which, of itself, encourages no familiarity. Only a very ill-bred person
will meet another with a stare.
THE SALUTATION AFTER INTRODUCTION.
A slight bow is all that is required by courtesy, after an introduction.
Shaking hands is optional, and it should rest with the older, or the
superior in social standing to make the advances. It is often an act of
kindness on their part, and as such to be commended. It is a common
practice among gentlemen, when introduced to one another, to shake
hands, and as it evinces more cordiality than a mere bow, is generally
to be preferred. An unmarried lady should not shake hands with gentlemen
indiscriminately.
THE FIRST TO RECOGNIZE.
It is the privilege of the lady to determine whether she will recognize
a gentleman after an introduction, and he is bound to return the bow. In
bowing to a lady on the street, it is not enough that a gentleman should
touch his hat, he should lift it from his head.
THE "CUT DIRECT."
The "cut direct," which is given by a prolonged stare at a person, if
justified at all, can only be in case of extraordinary and notoriously
bad conduct on the part of the individual "cut," and is very seldom
called for. If any one wishes to avoid a bowing acquaintance with
another, it can be done by looking aside or dropping the eyes. It is an
invariable rule of good society, that a gentleman cannot "cut" a lady
under any circumstances, but circumstances may arise when he may be
excused for persisting in not meeting her eyes, for if their eyes meet,
he must bow.
MEETING IN THE STREET.
If, while walking with one friend, in the street, you meet another and
stop a moment to speak with the latter, it is not necessary to introduce
the two who are strangers to one another; but, when you separate, the
friend who accompanies you gives a parting salutation, the same as
yourself. The same rule applies if the friend you meet chances to be a
lady.
INTRODUCING YOURSELF.
If, on entering a drawing-room to pay a visit, you are not recognized,
mention your name immediately. If you know but one member of the family
and you find others only in the room, introduce yourself to them. Unless
this is done, much awkwardness may be occasioned.
ABOUT SHAKING HANDS.
When a lady is introduced to a gentleman, she should merely bow but not
give her hand, unless the gentleman is a well known friend of some
member of the family. In that case she may do so if she pleases, as a
mark of esteem or respect. A gentleman must not offer to shake hands
with a lady until she has made the first movement.
A married lady should extend her hand upon being introduced to a
stranger brought to her house by her husband, or by a common friend, as
an evidence of her cordial welcome.
LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION.
Friendly letters of introduction should only be given to personal
friends, introducing them, and only addressed to those with whom the
writer has a strong personal friendship. It is not only foolish, but
positively dangerous to give such a letter to a person with whom the
writer is but slightly acquainted, as you may thus give your countenance
and endorsement to a person who will take advantage of your carelessness
to bring you into embarrassing and mortifying positions. Again, you
should never address a letter of introduction to any but an intimate
friend of long standing, and even then it should not be done, unless you
are perfectly satisfied that the person you are to introduce will be an
agreeable and congenial person for your friend to meet, as it would be
very annoying to send to your friend a visitor who would prove to him
disagreeable. Even amongst friends of long standing such letters should
be given very cautiously and sparingly.
The form of letters of introduction is given in the chapter on
"Letter-writing."
DELIVERING A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION.
It is not necessary to deliver a friendly letter of introduction to a
person who resides in another town. It is better to send it to the
person to whom it is directed, on your arrival, accompanied by your card
of address. If he wishes to comply with the request of his friend he
will call upon you, and give you an invitation to visit him;
circumstances, however, might render it exceedingly inconvenient, or
impossible for the person to whom the letter is addressed, to call upon
you; consequently a neglect to call need not be considered a mark of
ill-breeding, though by some people it is so considered. The person
addressed must consult his own feelings in the matter, and while aiming
to do what is right, he is not bound to sacrifice business or other
important matters to attend to the entertainment of a friend's friend.
In such a case he may send his own card to the address of the person
bearing the letter of introduction, and the latter is at liberty to call
upon him at his leisure.
THE DUTY OF THE PERSON ADDRESSED.
In Europe it is the custom for a person with a letter of introduction to
make the first call, but in this country we think that a stranger should
never be made to feel that he is begging our attention, and that it is
indelicate for him to intrude until he is positive that his company
would be agreeable. Consequently, if it is your wish and in your power
to welcome any one recommended to you by letter from a friend, or to
show your regard for your friend's friend, you must call upon him with
all possible dispatch, after you receive his letter of introduction, and
give him as hospitable a reception and entertainment as it is possible
to give, and such as you would be pleased to receive were you in his
place.
LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION FOR BUSINESS PURPOSES.
Letters of introduction to and from business men may be delivered by the
bearers in person, and etiquette does not require the receiver to
entertain the person introduced as a friend of the writer. It is
entirely optional with the person to whom the latter is introduced how
he welcomes him, or whether he entertains him or not, though his
courtesy would be apt to suggest that some kind attentions should be
paid him.