Our Manners.
No one quality of the mind and heart is more important as an element
conducive to worldly success than civility--that feeling of kindness and
love for our fellow-beings which is expressed in pleasing manners. Yet
how many of our young men, with an affected contempt for the forms and
conventionalities of life, assume to despise those delicate attentions,
that exquisite tenderness of thought and manner, that mark the true
gentleman.
MANNERS AS AN ELEMENT OF SUCCESS.
History repeats, over and over again, examples showing that it is the
bearing of a man toward his fellow-men which, more than any other one
quality of his nature, promotes or retards his advancement in life. The
success or failure of one's plans have often turned upon the address and
manner of the man. Though there are a few people who can look beyond the
rough husk or shell of a fellow-being to the finer qualities hidden
within, yet the vast majority, not so keen-visaged nor tolerant, judge a
person by his appearance and demeanor, more than by his substantial
character. Experience of every day life teaches us, if we would but
learn, that civility is not only one of the essentials of high success,
but that it is almost a fortune of itself, and that he who has this
quality in perfection, though a blockhead, is almost sure to succeed
where, without it, even men of good ability fail.
A good manner is the best letter of recommendation among strangers.
Civility, refinement and gentleness are passports to hearts and homes,
while awkwardness, coarseness and gruffness are met with locked doors
and closed hearts. Emerson says: "Give a boy address and
accomplishments, and you give him the mastery of palaces and fortunes
wherever he goes; he has not the trouble of earning or owning them; they
solicit him to enter and possess."
In every class of life, in all professions and occupations, good manners
are necessary to success. The business man has no stock-in-trade that
pays him better than a good address. If the retail dealer wears his hat
on his head in the presence of ladies who come to buy of him, if he does
not see that the heavy door of his shop is opened and closed for them,
if he seats himself in their presence, if he smokes a pipe or cigar, or
has a chew of tobacco in his mouth, while talking with them, or is
guilty of any of the small incivilities of life, they will not be apt to
make his shop a rendezvous, no matter how attractive the goods he
displays.
A telling preacher in his opening remarks gains the good will of his
hearers, and makes them feel both that he has something to say, and that
he can say it, by his manner. The successful medical man inspires in his
patients belief in his sympathy, and confidence in his skill, by his
manner. The lawyer, in pleading a case before a jury, and remembering
that the passions and prejudices of the jurymen govern them to as great
an extent as pure reason, must not be forgetful of his manner, if he
would bring them to his own way of thinking. And how often does the
motto, "Manners make the man," govern both parties in matters of
courtship, the lady giving preference to him whose manners indicate a
true nobility of the soul, and the gentleman preferring her who displays
in her manner a gentleness of spirit.
MANNER AN INDEX OF CHARACTER.
A rude person, though well meaning, is avoided by all. Manners, in fact,
are minor morals; and a rude person is often assumed to be a bad person.
The manner in which a person says or does a thing, furnishes a better
index of his character than what he does or says, for it is by the
incidental expression given to his thoughts and feelings, by his looks,
tones and gestures, rather than by his words and deeds, that we prefer
to judge him, for the reason that the former are involuntary. The manner
in which a favor is granted or a kindness done, often affects us more
than the deed itself. The deed may have been prompted by vanity, pride,
or some selfish motive or interest; the warmth or coldness with which
the person who has done it speaks to you, or grasps your hand, is less
likely to deceive. The manner of doing any thing, it has been truly
said, is that which stamps its life and character on any action. A favor
may be performed so grudgingly as to prevent any feeling of obligation,
or it may be refused so courteously as to awaken more kindly feelings
than if it had been ungraciously granted.
THE TRUE GENTLEMAN.
Politeness is benevolence in small things. A true gentleman must regard
the rights and feelings of others, even in matters the most trivial. He
respects the individuality of others, just as he wishes others to
respect his own. In society he is quiet, easy, unobtrusive, putting on
no airs, nor hinting by word or manner that he deems himself better, or
wiser, or richer than any one about him. He never boasts of his
achievements, or fishes for compliments by affecting to underrate what
he has done. He is distinguished, above all things, by his deep insight
and sympathy, his quick perception of, and prompt attention to, those
small and apparently insignificant things that may cause pleasure or
pain to others. In giving his opinions he does not dogmatize; he listens
patiently and respectfully to other men, and, if compelled to dissent
from their opinions, acknowledges his fallibility and asserts his own
views in such a manner as to command the respect of all who hear him.
Frankness and cordiality mark all his intercourse with his fellows,
and, however high his station, the humblest man feels instantly at ease
in his presence.
THE TRUE LADY.
Calvert says: "Ladyhood is an emanation from the heart subtilized by
culture;" giving as two requisites for the highest breeding, transmitted
qualities and the culture of good training. He continues: "Of the higher
type of ladyhood may always be said what Steele said of Lady Elizabeth
Hastings, 'that unaffected freedom and conscious innocence gave her the
attendance of the graces in all her actions.' At its highest, ladyhood
implies a spirituality made manifest in poetic grace. From the lady
there exhales a subtle magnetism. Unconsciously she encircles herself
with an atmosphere of unruffled strength, which, to those who come into
it, gives confidence and repose. Within her influence the diffident grow
self-possessed, the impudent are checked, the inconsiderate are
admonished; even the rude are constrained to be mannerly, and the
refined are perfected; all spelled, unawares, by the flexible dignity,
the commanding gentleness, the thorough womanliness of her look, speech
and demeanor. A sway is this, purely spiritual. Every sway, every
legitimate, every enduring sway is spiritual; a regnancy of light over
obscurity, of right over brutality. The only real gains ever made are
spiritual gains--a further subjection of the gross to the incorporeal,
of body to soul, of the animal to the human. The finest and most
characteristic acts of a lady involve a spiritual ascension, a growing
out of herself. In her being and bearing, patience, generosity,
benignity are the graces that give shape to the virtues of
truthfulness."
Here is the test of true ladyhood. Whenever the young find themselves in
the company of those who do not make them feel at ease, they should know
that they are not in the society of true ladies and true gentlemen, but
of pretenders; that well-bred men and women can only feel at home in the
society of the well-bred.
THE IMPORTANCE OF TRIFLES.
Some people are wont to depreciate these kind and tender qualities as
trifles; but trifles, it must be remembered, make up the aggregate of
human life. The petty incivilities, slight rudenesses and neglects of
which men are guilty, without thought, or from lack of foresight or
sympathy, are often remembered, while the great acts performed by the
same persons are often forgotten. There is no society where smiles,
pleasant looks and animal spirits are not welcomed and deemed of more
importance than sallies of wit, or refinements of understanding. The
little civilities, which form the small change of life may appear
separately of little moment, but, like the spare pennies which amount to
such large fortunes in a lifetime, they owe their importance to
repetition and accumulation.
VALUE OF PLEASING MANNERS.
The man who succeeds in any calling in life is almost invariably he who
has shown a willingness to please and to be pleased, who has responded
heartily to the advances of others, through nature and habit, while his
rival has sniffed and frowned and snubbed away every helping hand. "The
charming manners of the Duke of Marlborough," it is said, "often changed
an enemy to a friend, and to be denied a favor by him was more pleasing
than to receive one from another. It was these personal graces that made
him both rich and great. His address was so exquisitely fascinating as
to dissolve fierce jealousies and animosities, lull suspicion and
beguile the subtlest diplomacy of its arts. His fascinating smile and
winning tongue, equally with his sharp sword, swayed the destinies of
empires." The gracious manners of Charles James Fox preserved him from
personal dislike, even when he had gambled away his last shilling, and
politically, was the most unpopular man in England.
MANNERS AND PERSONAL APPEARANCE.
A charming manner not only enhances personal beauty, but even hides
ugliness and makes plainness agreeable. An ill-favored countenance is
not necessarily a stumbling-block, at the outset, to its owner, which
cannot be surmounted, for who does not know how much a happy manner
often does to neutralize the ill effects of forbidding looks? The
fascination of the demagogue Wilkes's manner triumphed over both
physical and moral deformity, rendering even his ugliness agreeable; and
he boasted to Lord Townsend, one of the handsomest men in Great Britain,
that "with half an hour's start he would get ahead of his lordship in
the affections of any woman in the kingdom." The ugliest Frenchman,
perhaps, that ever lived was Mirabeau; yet such was the witchery of his
manner, that the belt of no gay Lothario was hung with a greater number
of bleeding female hearts than this "thunderer of the tribune," whose
looks were so hideous that he was compared to a tiger pitted with the
small-pox.
FORTUNES MADE BY PLEASING MANNERS.
Pleasing manners have made the fortunes of men in all professions and in
every walk of life--of lawyers, doctors, clergymen, merchants, clerks
and mechanics--and instances of this are so numerous that they may be
recalled by almost any person. The politician who has the advantage of a
courteous, graceful and pleasing manner finds himself an easy winner in
the race with rival candidates, for every voter with whom he speaks
becomes instantly his friend. Civility is to a man what beauty is to a
woman. It creates an instantaneous impression in his behalf, while
gruffness or coarseness excites as quick a prejudice against him. It is
an ornament, worth more as a means of winning favor than the finest
clothes and jewels ever worn. Lord Chesterfield said the art of pleasing
is, in truth, the art of rising, of distinguishing one's self, of making
a figure and a fortune in the world. Some years ago a drygoods salesman
in a London shop had acquired such a reputation for courtesy and
exhaustless patience, that it was said to be impossible to provoke from
him any expression of irritability, or the smallest symptom of vexation.
A lady of rank learning of his wonderful equanimity, determined to put
it to the test by all the annoyances with which a veteran shop-visitor
knows how to tease a shopman. She failed in her attempt to vex or
irritate him, and thereupon set him up in business. He rose to eminence
in trade, and the main spring of his later, as of his earlier career,
was politeness. Hundreds of men, like this salesman, have owed their
start in life wholly to their pleasing address and manners.
CULTIVATION OF GOOD MANNERS.
The cultivation of pleasing, affable manners should be an important part
of the education of every person of whatever calling or station in life.
Many people think that if they have only the substance, the form is of
little consequence. But manners are a compound of spirit and
form--spirit acted into form. The first law of good manners, which
epitomizes all the rest is, "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself."
True courtesy is simply the application of this golden rule to all our
social conduct, or, as it has been happily defined, "real kindness,
kindly expressed." It may be met in the hut of the Arab, in the
courtyard of the Turk, in the hovel of the freedman, and the cottage of
the Irishman. Even Christian men sometimes fail in courtesy, deeming it
a mark of weakness, or neglecting it from mere thoughtlessness. Yet when
we find this added to the other virtues of the Christian, it will be
noted that his influence for good upon others has been powerfully
increased, for it was by this that he obtained access to the hearts of
others. An old English writer said reverently of our Saviour: "He was
the first true gentleman that ever lived." The influence of many good
men would be more than doubled if they could manage to be less stiff and
more elastic. Gentleness in society, it has been truly said, "is like
the silent influence of light which gives color to all nature; it is far
more powerful than loudness or force, and far more fruitful. It pushes
its way silently and persistently like the tiniest daffodil in spring,
which raises the clod and thrusts it aside by the simple persistence of
growing."
POLITENESS.
Politeness is kindness of manner. This is the outgrowth of kindness of
heart, of nobleness, and of courage. But in some persons we find an
abundance of courage, nobleness and kindness of heart, without kindness
of manner, and we can only think and speak of them as not only impolite,
but even rude and gruff. Such a man was Dr. Johnson, whose rudeness
secured for him the nickname of Ursa Major, and of whom Goldsmith
truthfully remarked, "No man alive has a more tender heart; he has
nothing of the bear about him but his skin." To acquire that ease and
grace of manners which is possessed by and which distinguishes every
well-bred person, one must think of others rather than of himself, and
study to please them even at his own inconvenience. "Do unto others as
you would that others should do unto you"--the golden rule of life--is
also the law of politeness, and such politeness implies self-sacrifice,
many struggles and conflicts. It is an art and tact, rather than an
instinct and inspiration. An eminent divine has said: "A noble and
attractive every-day bearing comes of goodness, of sincerity, of
refinement. And these are bred in years, not moments. The principle that
rules our life is the sure posture-master. Sir Philip Sidney was the
pattern to all England of a perfect gentleman; but then he was the hero
that, on the field of Zutphen, pushed away the cup of cold water from
his own fevered and parched lips, and held it out to the dying soldier
at his side." A Christian by the very conditions of his creed, and the
obligations of his faith is, of necessity, in mind and soul--and
therefore in word and act--a gentleman, but a man may be polite without
being a Christian.
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