A PUNISHMENT WELL DESERVED, AND MY SATISFACTION--DIFFERENT
TIMES, DIFFERENT CUSTOMS--THE USE OF THE BIRCH GIVEN UP IN
SCHOOLS--A PORTRAIT--COMPANIONS AND BAD HABITS--HOW I BECAME
ACQUAINTED WITH MY DEAR MARINA--MY FIRST TIME OF SPEAKING WITH
HER--DIFFICULTY TO OBTAIN MY MOTHER'S CONSENT TO OUR
MARRIAGE--SHE MAKES TROUBLE, THINKING TO DO WELL--I AM SENT
AWAY FROM MY BETROTHED, AND RETURN TO BAD HABITS--AN
ESCAPADE--THE PUBLIC BATHS OF VAGA-LOGGIA--MY CLOTHES STOLEN.
Perhaps some one may think, "How is it that, after so many years, you
have been able to remember the composition of your work?" To say the
truth, even I am surprised; but it must be taken into consideration
that, besides being gifted with a most tenacious memory, the first
efforts of the mind remain more firmly engraved thereon, being produced
by the workings of one's whole soul. So it is with one's affections and
one's hopes. Add, therefore, to this, the brutality of the offence, and
it will be seen that I could not forget it in any way.
In the meantime, in Sani's shop I had made for myself an almost enviable
position. All the works of a certain importance were given to me. The
principal placed entire confidence in my judgment and skill--so much so,
that he put me at the head of the young men in the shop, and delegated
to me the direction of the great works that were being executed at that
time for the approaching nuptials of the Grand Duke Leopold II. with
the Princess Antoinetta of Naples. I had even the satisfaction of
directing a certain Saladini, a young Sienese who had come to help us,
and whom I had known at Siena at the Academy of Fine Arts. There we had
been companions and fellow-students, sharing the same desk; but to say
the truth, he drew better than I did, which irritated me, and one day we
came to words, and I said boastfully that I defied him to draw with me,
and could easily beat him.
[Sidenote: BRAGGING AND BIRCHING.]
It appears that the master heard loud words, and from the glass
bull's-eye in the door of the room from which he dominated the whole
school, he saw me standing by the desk with one leg in the air, my arm
passed under my thigh, making a drawing of a Corinthian capital. I could
not see the master, as my back was turned to him; neither did I perceive
how silent the school was, nor the singular attention my rival was
devoting to his work.
The reason of it all, however, I soon discovered, or rather felt, from a
sharp switch on my back, and before I could put my leg down, three or
four good blows, accompanied with these words, "And this is the prize
for those who are skilful in drawing from under their legs." These words
were accompanied by the general ill-repressed hilarity of the school,
and especially of my rival Saladini. I confess the blows, and even the
laughter of my companions which made them more stinging, were well
merited; but I remember that I took it in bad part, especially as my
friend Saladini, who certainly had seen the master, had not warned me,
as I felt I should have done in his place. For this reason I rejoiced
when he came to Florence to work in our shop, and was put by the
principal under my direction, when I could and was obliged to correct
him and say, "No, it is not right in this way; you must do so and so." I
must add, however, that I did not make any abuse of my power, that
Saladini had no reason to complain, and that we became good friends.
[Sidenote: THE BIRCH AT SCHOOL.]
It now occurs to me to make an observation. I had a switching, therefore
the "birch" existed in our schools. The master could administer it and
the scholar receive it _coram populo_ officially, according to the
natural order of things, as a legitimate correction; but I ask, if
to-day a master in our Academy, or in fact in any academy in Italy, gave
four blows on the back of a young man, be his fault even much greater
than mine, what would happen? The heavens would fall; there would be a
revolution in the school and shouts without, and a scandal for the
master. The ill-advised master would be reprimanded by the head-master;
a report made to the Minister of Public Instruction; the master
dismissed altogether or sent elsewhere; and perhaps even, if the
Ministry be _Progressista_, all would lose their places.
So it is. "_O tempora! O mores!_" But is it, after all, a bad thing to
administer a good whipping to a rascal who, instead of studying himself,
annoys those who are really working, instigates them to leave school,
and leads them to do wrong by using bad and obscene words, swearing, and
drawing and writing improper things on the Academy walls? They can be
sent away from school, but they must not be beaten, is the answer. But
the fact is, that though they ought to be sent away, they are always
allowed to remain. Would it not, therefore, be better to administer a
little corporal punishment with the "birch" before arriving at this
finale? Where is the harm of it? I have had it myself, and at fifty
years of age am well and strong. But enough of this.
[Sidenote: SALADINI--BAD COMPANIONS.]
The good Saladini, therefore, was placed under me. He endured and even
appeared to enjoy my corrections. In fact, he had a character and
temperament that prevented his feeling anything. He was a young fellow
about eighteen or nineteen, older than I was, small, fat, with good
colouring, chestnut hair, and light eyes which never grew animated and
moved slowly, seeing little and being surprised at nothing. He never got
angry, and laughed in the same way when he heard of an accident as when
he heard a joke. It was not that he was stupid, for his words, though
few, were not devoid of sense. He ate more than I did, and drank more
too, and retired to bed early, being an enemy of walks, of discussions,
and merrymaking even of the most discreet and proper kind. He lived but
a short time, and died as soon as he returned to Siena, I don't know of
what malady. Not of disease of the heart, however; for although his
heart was not bad, yet it seemed a useless part of him, never beating
with any feeling of emotion or passion: there it was, quite stock-still,
seeming even dead, like the hearts of stoics or stupid people, which are
about the same thing. Those, however, who have the misfortune to be made
in this way, live a long time, eat much, drink much, and sleep--above
all things sleep--profoundly; and so did he, though only for a short
time, because he died. It was better so, for who knows whether his heart
would not have waked up some day, repented the time lost in sleeping,
and quickened its beat? Therefore it was better so. May the earth weigh
lightly on you, my friend, and the peace of the Lord rejoice your
spirit!
[Sidenote: I FIRST SEE MY WIFE.]
By this time I had grown to be a young man beloved by my friends, who
were not many, and not all of them excellent. Some were a little too
full of life, like myself, and these gay young fellows used sometimes to
drag me to places where young men of good repute should never go--I mean
to _osterias_ and billiard-rooms. In such places there is loss of time,
loss of health, and loss of morals. Vaguely I felt, even then, the
impropriety of such places, and an internal sense of dissatisfaction
warned me to break off from these habits and to avoid these friends.
Indeed at home I was no longer like the same person. I was restless,
intolerant, despising the naturally frugal meals of the family; and my
mother, my poor mother, suffered for this, but my father was angry, and
sometimes with loving words and sometimes with severe ones he reproached
me for my crabbedness and caprices, and I then felt sincere regret, and
my heart softened, and quite overcome I embraced my mother. For all
this, the road that I had taken was a slippery one. I no longer studied
anything or drew as I had always done before. I read very little, and
that little was rubbish. Praised and cajoled by my companions, quite
satisfied with the kind of superiority I had acquired amongst them in
the shop, I might have fallen very low, and have become a
good-for-nothing man, and perhaps a despicable one; but God willed it
otherwise. And now that I must begin to speak of her who saved me and
loved me, and whom I loved and esteemed always, because she was so rich
in all true virtues, I feel my hand tremble, and the fulness of my love
confuses my ideas. One day as I was standing by my work-bench, I saw a
young girl pass with quick short footsteps, quite concentrated in
herself. It was but a fugitive impression, but so vivid that every now
and then that vision came back to me and seemed to comfort me. I had not
seen the features of her face, nor her eyes, which she kept on the
ground; and yet that upright modest little figure, those quick little
footsteps, had taken my fancy. I desired to see her again. Every now and
then I looked up from my work, in the hope of seeing the person that I
had been so struck by; but I did not see her again during that day or
the following ones.
[Sidenote: MASS AT SANTI APOSTOLI.]
The second _festa_ of Easter I was at Mass in the Church of the Santi
Apostoli near by. Suddenly lifting my eyes, I saw facing me the dear
young girl on her knees. Her face was in shadow, as it was bent down,
and the church was rather dark, but the features and general expression
were chaste and sweet. I stayed there enchanted. That figure in her
modest dress and humble attitude, so still, so serene, enraptured me.
When Mass was finished, the people began to go away, but she still
remained on her knees. At last she rose and went out, and I followed her
from afar. She stopped at a house on the door of which I saw the sign of
"laundress." I could not believe that such a modest serious young girl
could be so employed; for as a general thing, laundresses are rather
frisky and provocative, turning their heads and glancing about, and
sometimes very slovenly in their dress--in fact, the opposite of all
that dear good creature was. From the first moment that I saw her I felt
for her a respectful admiration, a tranquil serene brotherly affection
and trust. I was seized with an irresistible desire to love her, to
possess her, and to have my love returned. Often without her knowing it,
I followed her at a distance, to assure myself of her bearing and her
ways, and always observed in her a chaste, serious, and modest nature.
At last I attempted to follow her nearer; and when she became aware of
it, she hastened her steps and crossed to the other side of the street.
I was disconcerted, but at the same time felt contented. One day,
however, I decided at any cost to speak to her, and to open my heart to
her; and as I knew the hour when she was in the habit of passing by the
Piazza di San Biagio, where I was at work, I held myself in readiness,
and as soon as I saw her, went out and followed her, that I might draw
this thorn out of my heart. Yes, I somehow thought she would not take my
offer amiss. She crossed the Loggia del Mercato and took the Via di
Baccano and Condotta, and turned into the Piazzetta de' Giuochi, and I
always followed her nearer and nearer. At last she became aware of this,
stopped suddenly, turned, and without looking me in the face, said, "I
want no one to follow me."
[Sidenote: I FOLLOW MARINA--HER REBUKE.]
I stammered a few words, but with so much emotion in my voice, that she
again stopped, looked at me a moment, and said, "Go home to your mother,
and do not stop me again in the streets."
I gave her a grateful look, and we parted. I returned to the shop with
my heart overflowing with love and hope.
From that day a great change took place in me: companions, rioting, and
billiards disappeared as by enchantment from my life. That same evening
I went to the laundry. I saw the mistress of it, and with an excuse of
having some work to give her, I spoke to her casually, and in a general
way, of the young girl (whose name I did not know); but she being very
sharp, smiled and said--
"Ah yes; Marina--certainly--I understand. But take care and mind what I
say; Marina is such a well-conducted girl that she will not give heed to
you."
"But I did not say that I wanted to make love to her."
"I know; but I understood it, and I repeat that she will not listen to
you,--and if you want to do well, you will never come here again. Here
there is work and not love-making to be done. But if you like, you might
go to her house and speak with her mother. Perhaps then--who knows? But
I should say that nothing would come of it, and it would be better so.
You are too young, and so is she. Now you understand. So go away, and
good-bye."
[Sidenote: I GO TO SEE MARINA.]
"Thank you, I understand; but where is Marina's house?"
"It is in the Via dell'Ulivo, near San Piero."
"Good-bye, Signora maestra."
"Your servant."
The day after this I went to Marina's house and found her mother Regina.
The house was a small one, but very clean. In a few words I opened my
heart to her and told her all, even of my having stopped Marina in the
Piazzetta de' Giuochi. Regina was a woman of about forty years of age,
and a widow. She listened quietly to me until I got to the end, and then
only blamed me for having stopped her daughter in the street. She added
that she would think about it; but she did not conceal from me that she
thought me too young. I hastened to tell her how much I made by my day's
work, and that I had a settled occupation. She then wished to hear about
my family, and showed a desire to know my mother; and after having
spoken to Marina, she said she would allow me to come to the house of an
evening two or three times a-week. So far things went well; but at home
I had as yet said nothing, and this I was obliged to do, as it was the
first condition made before I could go to the girl's house. I was not
afraid of my father, because, single or married, it was the same to him,
as long as I continued to help him in the work he required of me; but as
regards my mother, it was quite another "pair of sleeves." As soon as I
had opened my mouth I saw a frown on her beautiful forehead, and she
would not let me go on to the end, saying that I was doing wrong, that I
was too young, that I ought to think of the shop, of my family, and
make for myself a standing. Not without tears she made me feel that she
looked upon this determination of mine as a sign of want of love for
her. I attempted in every way to persuade her that I always cared the
same for her, and that this new affection would in no wise diminish my
love for her; that the young girl was an angel; that she would be
pleased by her, and love her like a daughter. I embraced her, and wept,
and she took pity on me, poor mother! She condescended to make the
girl's acquaintance, and so we went to her house. The two mothers talked
a long time together, whilst Marina put some things in order here and
there about the room, without going away; and you could see the
embarrassment of the poor girl. I held one of my mother's hands in mine,
and kept my eyes on Marina, who never looked at me once.
[Sidenote: OPPOSITION TO MY MARRIAGE.]
It was settled that I could go to the house two or three times a-week
without speaking of the time that was to elapse before the day of the
wedding. Yes, I really was too young, as I was only eighteen.
All these particulars may seem superfluous, and for most people they
certainly are so; but I meant, and I said so from the first, that these
memoirs should be destined for my family and for young artists, to whom
I desire to show myself such as I am, even in all the truth and purity
of the most tender of affections. Then it is with a feeling of tender
gratitude and painful sadness that I go back in memory to those days of
my meeting with her, the difficulties that arose to prevent our union,
and the very great influence she had over me. From these pictures
interpolated now and then amongst these papers, young men of good
intentions will feel the charm that surrounds the sanctity of domestic
affections. Every other evening I saw the good and charming girl. I
remained for only about an hour or so--such was her mother's desire.
Whilst both of them worked--the mother spinning and the daughter sewing
together their long braids of straw--I talked to them of my work in the
shop, of my studies, and of my hopes. Again returned to me stronger than
ever the desire to do figure-work, and a vague, persistent, and fierce
hope to become a sculptor in marble. When in various forms I expressed
these my thoughts, Marina, who was listening to me with her eyes on her
work, looked up to me and seemed to search in mine for the meaning of my
words. Poor Marina, you did not then understand what agitated the heart
of your young friend. Later you understood; and although full of fears,
you did not discourage him. But enough--do not let us anticipate.
Although my poor mother had yielded to my prayers, and had convinced
herself that Marina was a well-conducted girl, industrious, docile, and
honest, yet she could not, as she said, be persuaded that she would have
to lose me; and every evening when I returned home and tried to speak to
her of Marina, she would be troubled, and break off the conversation as
if it annoyed her. Already, unknown to me, she had gone several times to
the mother of the young girl, and said that I was too young--that I
ought to think more of my studies than taking to myself a wife, of whom
in the end I should tire; and poor little Marina would be sure to
suffer, in the first place because she cared for me, and in the second
place because, if abandoned by me, she would find it hard to get a
husband. All these things were said by my poor mother for love for me
and through the fear of losing me. I knew it some time after. But now
let us see what were the fruits of these words of hers.
One morning--it was Sunday--I went to Marina's house feeling more
light-hearted than usual. It was about one o'clock, after Mass. I went
up-stairs, knocked, and Regina opened the door to me; but as I entered I
heard a rustling sound, and saw Marina retiring into her little room.
Her mother was more serious than usual, but seemed not to wish to show
it. I perceived at once that there must be something the matter, and
wished to clear it up. So I began--
[Sidenote: I AM SENT AWAY.]
"Marina--where is she? Is she not at home?"
"Yes; she is in her room."
"Does she feel ill? I hope not."
"She has nothing the matter with her, thank God; but as I have something
to say to you, and as she knows what it is I want to say, she would not
remain, and has retired to her room."
After this preamble, although there was nothing that I could reproach
myself with, I felt quite frozen up.
"What is it then that you have to say to me?"
"Listen, and don't take it ill; in fact, I have already told you from
the first that you are too young, and who knows when you will be able to
marry my daughter? From now until then some time must elapse, and I have
no wish that you should occupy that time sitting about on my chairs.
_Then_, too, you may change--your companions may put you up to this; and
we are poor people but honest, and I don't want my Marina to be courted
by one who----"
"Enough, Regina--enough. It is true I am too young, but you knew it when
you allowed me to come to the house. My earnings seemed then sufficient;
and if no date was fixed for the marriage, it was because it was not
asked. I am decided, if it so pleases Marina, to take her home in a year
or a year and a half's time. Your words are the result of the
tittle-tattle of people who wish us ill."
[Sidenote: TEMPORARY SEPARATION.]
"No," Regina hastened to say--"no, they are not ill wishes of you or of
us. But you understand me quite well, that if I speak in this manner to
you, it is for the good name of my daughter. Nothing is damaged by it.
For the present you will be so good as not to come to the house. If it
is a rose, as they say, it will blossom; and when you return and say,
next month, I want to marry Marina, you need have no fears; she will
wait for you."
I remained silent and sad, and then said--"Is this also Marina's wish?"
"It is."
"Will you allow me to say one word to her before going?"
"Say it, certainly."
I went to her door and pushed it open a little. She was standing with
one hand leaning on the back of a chair; her eyes were cast down, but
the expression of her face seemed tranquil. "Marina," I said, "your
mother has sent me away, and she has told me that this is also your
wish." She lifted her eyes and moved a little. "I therefore obey, but be
sure that I will never look into the face of another young girl until I
come to claim you for mine. Do you accept my promise willingly?"
"Yes," she answered, with a steadfast quiet voice. Then I stepped nearer
to her and put out my hand. First she looked towards her mother, and
then she put her hand in mine, and we looked at each other, and in her
eyes I saw a little tear, and her faith in my promise.
I went away pierced to the heart, but firm in my resolve. Neither at
home nor at the shop could they understand what was the matter with me,
for my whole character had so changed. I think my mother understood what
it was, for she caressed me more than usual, and asked me no questions;
and I set my heart at rest, because I trusted in the strength of
character and true nature of the girl. Although it was prohibited me to
go to her house, yet I made it a study how to meet her out of doors,
and, without being seen, to see her, and even follow her from a
distance. I was not at peace, however--not because I had any fears as
regards her, but I was afraid of myself. I felt an aching void within me
that nothing would fill. I saw smiling dreams of fame and honour vanish
little by little. I heard a voice whispering within me--"Put an end,
poor fool, to your melancholy; you were born poor and ignorant, and so
you will die. Qualities are required to lift one's self above others
that you are entirely wanting in. Genius is necessary, and you cannot
say that you have it. Education is necessary, and you have none. Money
is necessary, and you have not a farthing. Above all, a strong will is
needed, and yours is most variable, transient, and weak, bending to the
slightest breath of a contrary wind. Put an end to it all, and do as I
say: enjoy day by day whatever is given to you to enjoy. Amuse yourself
with friends your equals, and whenever any of these thoughts oppress
you, drown them in a glass of wine. As to your young girl, remember it
is as her mother has said, 'If it is a rose, it will blossom.' Up! up!
_Viva!_ and keep a light heart." I already felt myself half yielding to
these suggestions. I was down-hearted, and had not the strength to shake
myself free from this strait of discouragement and desolation.
[Sidenote: I RESUME MY BAD HABITS.]
I had but little religion in me, which alone could have comforted my
soul with constancy and faith in these first ebullitions of life; so it
is not to be wondered at if, in this state of languor and discontent, I
again turned to the amusements of my friends, losing not a few hours in
the public billiard-rooms. I returned to one of the worst of habits,
for him who has a home--that of going to the _osteria_; and I remember
to have felt humiliated on finding myself in the midst of that noisy,
vulgar merriment, and hearing the coarse words uttered in those taverns,
where the air was heavy with wine, food, and cigar-smoke. The chaste
image and simple gentle words of my good Marina came back to me, and I
felt troubled, and, shaking myself, I used to rise abruptly and go away.
[Sidenote: QUARREL AND FIGHT.]
Yes, truly the image of that gentle being aroused me, and made me return
to myself with a feeling of shame, and a determination to put an end to
all this. It was providential, however, that not only her image but she
herself appeared to arrest me on the brink where I had allowed myself to
be dragged, and my meeting with her deserves to be narrated.
Months had passed since I had been sent away from my Marina's house. It
happened one day, it being a _festa_, that I had promised to go out of
the Porta San Miniato to meet some friends and eat a fresh plate of
salad; and when I was near the Church of San Niccolo, I could not cross
the street on account of the procession that was just coming out of the
church. I think it was during the Octave of Corpus Domini: there were
many people, and I waited until the procession had passed; then, perhaps
because I was in such a hurry to overtake my friends, in passing by I
inadvertently knocked against two women who were in the company of a
young man. They took it in ill part, and the young man, thinking perhaps
that I had knocked against them on purpose, said--
"Has the boor passed by?"
"You are a boor yourself," I answered.
"Pass on, if you want to." And he gave me a push. I turned around on him
and hit him a blow in the face, and from that instant I had all three,
the youth and the girls, down on me. But they got little good out of it:
the young fellow, who was rather slight than otherwise, was put at once
out of fighting condition by two blows of my fist in the face; and I
freed myself from the girls, who seemed like infuriated harpies. In an
instant lace, ribbon, and feathers flew in the air like dry leaves
scattered by the wind.
[Sidenote: ESCAPE FROM THE POLICE.]
A space was cleared around me, and some said, "Oh, what a scandal!"
others, "_Bravo!_" Some ran away, some laughed, and the soldiers came to
clear the place and quell the tumult, and the _sbirri_ (for there were
_sbirri_ then) to make arrests.
A mounted dragoon stationed himself in front of the church. A
strong-built young man, then practitioner at the hospital, and now a
distinguished physician--Doctor Gozzini--seeing the bad plight I was in,
and having been one of those who had called out "Bravo!" came quickly to
me, and taking me by the arm, hid me amongst the crowd, and took me with
him behind the mounted dragoon. There we stood quite still, and saw them
arrest the poor young fellow with his broken nose, and the girls with
their crushed hats. I was not discovered that evening. They found me,
however, easily enough next morning at the shop; but I will speak of
this later. And now I feel in duty bound to assert that that was the
last escapade of that kind that I was guilty of. I feel strong enough
(or, as some may think, weak enough) now to bear quietly similar words
and acts that so outraged me then. Ah! indeed age and experience are, as
one may say, like the grindstone that rounds and softens down the
asperities and impetuosities of early youth to form the character.
Not to excuse the affair nor the violence of my ways, but for the love
of truth, I feel bound to narrate another adventure that happened to me
on the morning of that same day, which had perhaps served to exasperate
my already irritable state of mind. About mid-day I had betaken myself
to the public baths of Vaga-Loggia, a bathing-place which was formed out
of that part of the canal called the Macinante running between the
Franzoni Palace and the palace belonging to the Baroness Favard. It was
covered in by a framework of wood, with awnings, and the entrance was by
a little door and through a narrow corridor that went along the side of
the canal. At the end of this passage was a sort of stand, and a room
that was used for undressing, and where, for a few _soldi_, an _employé_
of the municipality was stationed, who furnished towels, and took charge
of the clothes and other effects belonging to the bathers. For those
also who could not or would not pay, below the steps leading to the
baths there was a sort of small amphitheatre with a little wall around
it, and in this wall niches to put one's clothes in. It seems to me that
I have seen a something of the same kind that was used for a similar
purpose at Pompeii, only there they were hot baths.
[Sidenote: CLOTHES STOLEN AT BATH.]
I chose this second-named place, which was more economical certainly,
but not so safe, as you will see. After having bathed, on coming out of
the water I went to my little niche and found it empty. I looked about,
inquired, and swore. No one knew anything about my clothes. At first I
thought it was a joke, to keep me some time naked; but at last I was
convinced, and the other bathers as well, that my things had all been
stolen.
[Sidenote: I BORROW ANOTHER DRESS.]
What was there then to do? Nothing had been left--they had taken
everything; and to say the truth, it did not seem at all comic to me,
however others might laugh. A friend relieved me from my embarrassment.
He dressed himself in haste, went home to his house, which was on the
Prato, and brought me all I required, from my shoes to my hat. I dressed
myself, went home in the worst of tempers, and I have already described
what followed.