SETTLING DOWN AFTER THE HONEYMOON
Miss Clegg and Mrs. Lathrop were sitting on the latter's steps about
five o'clock one Sunday afternoon when Elijah Doxey came out of the
former's house and walked away down town.
"I wond--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"I don't believe it," said Miss Clegg; "I know the way you look at it,
Mrs. Lathrop, but _I_ don't believe it. All the girls is after him but
that ain't surprisin' for girls are made to be after somethin' at that
age an' there's almost nothin' for them to run down in this community.
We're very short of men to marry, Mrs. Lathrop, an' what men we have got
ain't tall enough yet to do it, but still, it ain't no reason why Elijah
should be in love just because 'Liza Em'ly and all the other girls is
in love with him. To my order o' thinkin' two sets of people have got to
love to make a marriage, an' 'Liza Em'ly ain't but one. An' I don't know
as I want Elijah to be in love, anyhow--not while he lives in my house.
It might lead to his eatin' less but it would surely lead to his playin'
the flute more, an' that flute is all I can stand now. He won't marry if
I can help it, I know _that_, an' I keep his eagerness down by talkin'
to him about Hiram Mullins all I can, an' surely Hiram is enough to keep
any man from soarin' into marriage if he can just manage to hop along
single an' in peace."
"Have you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, interestedly.
"Well, I should say I had--an' it's fresh on my mind, too. It was
yesterday an' I see 'em both. Lucy come in the mornin' an' Gran'ma
Mullins in the afternoon. I'd like to of had Hiram come in the evenin'
an' tell his end, but Hiram don't dare say a word to no man nowadays.
As far as my observation's extended a man as lives steady with two women
gets very meek as to even men. Hiram's learned as his long suit is to
keep still an' saw wood when he ain't choppin' it."
"What did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"Well, Lucy come up right after market an' she said the reason she come
was because she'd just got to talk or bu'st, an' she was n't anxious to
bu'st yet awhile."
"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"Oh, just the usual tale as any one could o' foreseen if they went an'
married Hiram Mullins. Any one might of easy knowed as Lucy Dill could
n't no more enjoy Hiram Mullins than a cat could enjoy swimmin' lessons,
but she _would_ have him, an' she _had_ to have him, an' now she's got
him--so help her eternity to come."
"Did she--" questioned Mrs. Lathrop.
"No," said Miss Clegg, "she ain't been married quite long enough for
that yet; she's only been married long enough to come out strong an'
bitter as to blamin' Gran'ma Mullins. I will say this for Lucy, Mrs.
Lathrop, an' that is that a fairer thing than blamin' Gran'ma Mullins
for Hiram could n't be expected of whoever married Hiram, for it stands
to reason as no one as had brains could marry Hiram an' not want to
begin blamin' his mother five minutes after. Gran'ma Mullins never did
seem able to look at Hiram with a impartial eye, an' Lucy says as it
beats all kind of eyes the way she looks at him since he's got married.
Why, Lucy says it's most made her lose faith in her Bible--the way she
feels about Gran'ma Mullins. She says she's got a feelin' towards
Gran'ma Mullins as she never knowed could be in a woman. She says she's
come to where she just cannot see what Ruth ever stuck to Naomi for when
the husband was dead an' Naomi disposed to leave, too. She says if
anythin' was to happen to Hiram she'd never be fool enough to hang onto
Gran'ma Mullins. She sat down an' told me all about their goin' to town
last week. She says she nigh to went mad. They started to go to the city
just for a day's shoppin' an' she says it was up by the alarm clock at
four an' breakfast at six for fear of missin' the nine-o'clock train an'
then if Gran'ma Mullins did n't lose her little black bead bag with her
weddin' ring an' the size of Hiram's foot an' eighty-five cents in it,
so they could n't get him no bargain socks after all! All they could do
was to buy the safety razor, an' when they got home with that there was
n't no blade in it, an' they had to go way back to town next day. Come
to find out the blade was in the box all the time, done up in the
directions, only Hiram never read the directions, 'cause he said as it's
a well-known fact as you can't cut yourself with a safety razor whatever
you do.
"Well, Lucy says it's for that sort of doin's as she left her happy home
an' her razor-stroppin' father, an' she says the billin' an' cooin' of
Gran'ma Mullins over Hiram is enough to make a wedded wife sick. She
says she would n't say it to no one but me, an' I promised her never to
breathe it along any further, but she says she's beginnin' to question
as to how long she's goin' to be able to stand it all. She says will you
believe that nights Gran'ma Mullins is comin' in softly at all hours to
tuck up Hiram's feet, an' Lucy's forever thinkin' she's either a rat or
a robber or else hittin' at her for Hiram himself. She says as it's
Heaven's own truth as Gran'ma Mullins is warmin' his flannels every
Saturday to this day, an' that the tears stand in her very eyes when
Lucy won't help him off with his boots."
"I never--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"No, nor no one else. It's all Gran'ma Mullins' foolishness. She begun
to be foolish when Hiram begun to know things. I can remember when he
used to run everywhere behind her with a little whip, 'cause he liked to
play horse, an' although she used to pretend that she let him 'cause it
kept the moths out of her clothes, still every one knowed as it was just
her spoilin' of him. Now he's growed up spoiled an' poor Lucy Dill's got
the consequences to suffer.
"An' Lucy surely is sufferin'! She says she ain't exactly discouraged,
but it's swimmin' up Niagara Falls to try an' break either of 'em of
their bad habits. She says she has to look on at kisses until the very
thought of one makes her seasick, an' she says to see Gran'ma Mullins
listenin' to Hiram singin' is enough to make any one blush down to the
very ground.
"I cheered her all I could. I told her as you can't make no sort of a
purse out of ears like Hiram's, an' that what can't be cured has always
got to be lived with unless you're a man. She cried some, poor thing,
an' said her mother always used to say as Hiram was cut out to make some
girl wish he was dead, but she said she always thought as her mother
was prejudiced. She said Hiram had a sort of way with him before he was
married as was so hopeful, an' he used to look at her an' sigh till it
just went all through her how happy they'd be if they could only be
together all they wanted to be together. Well, you c'n believe me or
not, just as you please, Mrs. Lathrop, but she says he ain't sighed
once--not once--since they was married, an' as for bein'
happy--well--she says she's about give up hope. She don't want folks to
know, 'cause she says she's got some pride, but she says there's no
tellin' how soon it'll run out if Gran'ma Mullins keeps on huggin'
Hiram, an' tellin' her how perfect he is over his own head."
"I don't--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Well, I should say not," said Susan; "but Hiram Mullins always was his
mother's white goose, an' the whole town is a witness. My idea if I was
Lucy would be to shut right down solid on the whole thing. I'd put a
bolt on my door an' keep Gran'ma Mullins an' her tuckin' tendencies on
the other side, an' if Hiram Mullins did n't come to time I'd bolt him
out, too, an' if he was n't nice about it I'd get out of the window an'
go home to my father. I guess Mr. Dill would be very glad to have Lucy
home again, for they say 'Liza Em'ly's no great success keepin' house
for him. Some one told me as Mr. Dill was in mortal fear as he was
practically feedin' the minister's whole family every time she went
home, an' that would be enough to make any man, as had only his own self
to feed, want his own daughter back, I should think.
"There's Mrs. Macy as would be glad to keep house for him if he 'd marry
her first, of course, but to my order of thinkin' Mr. Dill don't want to
marry Mrs. Macy near as much as Mrs. Macy wants to marry Mr. Dill. Mrs.
Macy says he's pesterin' her to death, an' Mr. Dill says if it's
pesterin' to speak when you're spoken to, he must buy a new dictionary
an' learn the new meanin' of the words by heart. Between ourselves, I
guess Mr. Dill is learnin' the lesson of wedded bliss from lookin' at
Lucy an' rememberin' her mother. Lucy ain't very happy an' you know as
well as I do what Mrs. Dill was. Her husband won't marry again in a
hurry, an' he's smart if he don't, for if Lucy ain't home in less 'n a
year I'll make you a tea cake."
"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Well, you ain't Lucy Dill," said her friend. "If you was you'd be
different. Lucy says this being waked up by havin' a hot flatiron slid
in among your feet most any time for no better reason than 'cause his
mother thought she heard Hiram sneeze, is a game as can be played once
too often. I see her temper was on the rise so I struck in, an' give her
a little advice of my own, an' as a result she says she's goin' to take
a strong upper hand to 'em both an' there won't be no velvet glove on it
neither. She says she can see as it's do or die for her now, an' she
don't mean to be done nor to die neither. She drank some tea as I made
strong on purpose, an' shook her head hard an' went home, an' God help
Hiram if he hummed last night; an' as for Gran'ma Mullins, Lucy said if
she come stealin' in to feel if Hiram was breathin' reg'lar, she was
going to get slapped for a mosquito in a way as she'd long remember."
"Dear me--" commented Mrs. Lathrop.
"Well, I did n't blame her," said Miss Clegg. "Of course I did n't know
as I was going to hear the other side afore night fell, but hearin' her
side stirred me up so that I give her my advice, an' my advice was to
put the bootjack under her pillow. There ain't no sense in women
sufferin' any more, to my idea of thinkin'. It's a good deal easier to
go to bed with a bootjack, an' I look to see Lucy really happy or Hiram
smashed flat soon in consequence."
"But you--" said Mrs. Lathrop, wide-eyed.
"I know, an' that did change my ideas. Of course when I was talkin' to
Lucy I was n't expectin' to see Gran'ma Mullins so soon, but I won't say
but what I was glad to see Gran'ma Mullins, too. It's a most curious
feelin', I d'n know as I ever feel a curiouser than to hear both sides
of anythin' from the both sides themselves right one after the other in
the same day. O' course I learned long ago to never take any sides
myself unless one of 'em was mine; but I will say as I don't believe no
one could feel for others more 'n I do when I hear folks shakin' their
heads over what as a general thing a person with brains like mine knows
is their own fault, an' knowed was goin' to be their own fault afore
they ever even began to think of doin' it.
"Now there was Lucy Dill yesterday forenoon mournin' 'cause Hiram is
Hiram an' his mother is his mother, an' then after dinner there comes
Gran'ma Mullins with her bonnet strings an' her tears all streamin'
together, an' wants my sympathy 'cause Lucy herself is Lucy herself.
Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I can't but feel proud o' being able to hold the
reins so hard on my own bit that I never up an' told either on 'em the
plain truth, which is as they was all fools together to of ever looked
for the weddin' service to have changed any on 'em."
"What did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"I don't know as I'm prepared to say what I think. To hear Lucy you'd
think _she_ was surely the martyr, but to hear Gran'ma Mullins you would
n't be sure after all. Gran'ma Mullins says after the honeymoon is over
every one expects to settle down as a matter of course, an' she would
n't say a word against it only it's Lucy is doin' all the settlin' an'
poor Hiram as is doin' all the down. She says it's heartbreakin' to be a
only mother an' watch the way as Hiram is being everlastin'ly downed.
She says as we all remember that bright an' happy weddin' day[B] an' how
she downed her own feelin's an' waved rice after 'em just like
everybody else when they started off weddin'-trippin', each with their
own bag in his own hand. But, oh, she says, the way they come back! She
says they come back with Hiram carryin' both bags, an' her heart sunk
when she see 'em for she says when she was married it was _her_ as come
home carryin' both bags an' she says it's one of the saddest straws as
ever blows a bride out. She says she never expected much of her marriage
'cause she was engaged on a April Fool's Day in Leap Year, an' he give
her an imitation opal for a ring, but she says Hiram give Lucy a real
green emerald with a 18 an' a K inside it an' he looked to be happy even
with his mother's tears mildewin' his pillow every night that whole
summer. She says no one will ever know how hard she did try to get sense
into Hiram that summer afore it was too late. She says she used to sit
up in tears an' wait for him to come home from seein' Lucy, an' weep on
his neck with her arms tight round him for two or three hours
afterwards every night, but she says he never used to appreciate it. An'
she says what he needed to marry for, anyway, Heaven only knows, with
his whole life laid pleasantly out to suit him, an' a strong an'
able-bodied mother ready an' smilin' to hand him whatever he wanted just
as quick as he wanted it. An' she says she never asked him to do nothin'
as she could possibly do herself an' the way Lucy orders him
about!--well, she says it's beyond all belief. An' oh, but she says it
goes through her like a chained-up bolt of lightnin' the voice Lucy
speaks to him in, an' she said she would n't have no one know it for
worlds but she says as near as she can figger she hit him over the head
with a hairbrush night before last."
[B] See "Susan Clegg and her Neighbors' Affairs."
"With a--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, aghast.
"She says she ain't absolutely positive, but they was a-chasin' a June
bug in their room together, an' she heard the smash an' the next mornin'
when she went in to make Hiram's side of the bed after Lucy (she says
Lucy is a most sing'lar bed-maker) she see the nick on the brush, an'
she says when she see the nick an' remembered how hollow it rung, she
knew as it could n't possibly have been nothin' in that room except
Hiram's head. She says if Lucy's begun on Hiram with a hairbrush now,
Heaven only knows what she'll be after him with in a year, for Gran'ma
Mullins' own husband went from a cake of soap to a whole cheese in a
fortnight an' she says it's a well-known fact as when a married man is
once set a-goin' he lands things faster an' faster. She says she thinks
about the andirons there, ready to Lucy's hand, until she's scared
white, an' yet she's afraid to take 'em for fear it'd attract her to the
water pitcher."
"Did Mr.--" began Mrs. Lathrop, hurriedly, after several attempts to
slide a question-quoit in among Susan's game of words.
"Oh, he did n't throw 'em at her. I could n't understand what he did do
with them an' so I asked, but it seems it was just as awful for he
grated the whole cake o' that soap on her front teeth to teach her not
to never refer to the deacon again, an' he dropped the cheese square on
her head when he was up on a step-ladder an' she was in a little
cupboard underneath leanin' over for a plate, an' then he tried to make
out as it was an accident. She says it was n't no accident though. She
says a woman as gets a cheese on the back of her head from a husband as
is on a step-ladder over her, ain't to be fooled with no accident story;
she says that cheese like to of hurt her for life an' was the greatest
of the consolations she had when he died. She says she never will forget
it as long as she's alive an' he's dead, no sir, so help her heaven she
won't; she says when the cemetery committee come to her an' want her to
subscribe for keepin' him trimmed with a lawn mower an' a little flag on
Decoration Day, she always thinks of that cheese an' says no, thank
you, they can just mow him regularly right along with the rest.
"But oh, she says it's awful bitter an' cold to see Hiram settin' out
along that stony, bony, thorny road, as she's learned every pin in from
first to last. She says if Lucy 'd only be a little patient with him,
but no, to bed he must go feelin' as bright as a button, an' in the
mornin', oh my, but she says it's heartrendin' to hear him wake up, for
Lucy washes his face so sudden with cold water that he gives one howl
before he remembers he's married, an' five minutes after she hangs every
last one of the bedclothes square out of the window.
"I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, it was a pretty sad tale first an' last, an'
Gran'ma Mullins says Hiram is as meek as a sheep being led to its
halter, but she says she can't feel as meekness pays women much. She
says she was meek an' Hiram's meek, an' she did n't get no reward but
soap an' that cheese, an' all Hiram's got so far is the hairbrush, an'
the water pitcher loomin'.
"I told her my own feelin's was as marriage was n't enough took into
consideration nowadays, an' that it was too easy at the start, an' too
hard at the finish. You know yourself, Mrs. Lathrop, as there ain't a
mite o' doubt but what if the honeymoon come just afore the funeral
there'd be a deal more sincere mournin' than there is as it is now, an'
to _my_ order of thinkin', if the grandchildren come afore the children,
folks would raise their families wiser. I told Gran'ma Mullins just that
very thing but it did n't seem to give her much comfort. She give a
little yell an' said oh, Heaven preserve her from havin' to sit by an'
watch Lucy Dill raise Hiram's children, for she was sure as she'd never
be able to give 'em enough pie on the sly to keep 'em happy an' any one
with half an eye could see they'd be washed an' brushed half to death.
She says Lucy won't wash a dish without rinsin' it afterwards or sweep
a room without carryin' all the furniture out into the yard; oh my, she
says her ways is most awful an' I expect that, to Gran'ma Mullins, they
are.
"I cheered her all I could. I told her she'd better make the best o'
things now, 'cause o' course as Lucy got older Hiram'd make her madder
an' madder, an' they'll all soon be lookin' back to this happy first
year as their one glimpse of paradise. I did n't tell her what Lucy told
me o' course, 'cause she'd go an' tell Hiram, an' Hiram must love Lucy
or he'd never stand being hit for a June bug or woke with a wash-cloth.
But I did kind of wonder how long it would last. If I was Lucy it would
n't last long, I know _that_. If I'd ever married a man I don't know how
long he'd of stood it or how long I'd of stood him, but I know one
thing, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I know that from my heels to my hairpins--an' I
said it to Elijah last night, an' I'm goin' to say it to you now--an'
that is that if I could n't of stood him I would n't of stood him, for
this is the age when women as read the papers don't stand nothin' they
don't want to--an' I would n't neither."
"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Well, you ain't me," said Miss Clegg, "you ain't me an' you ain't
Elijah neither. I talk very kind to Elijah, but there's no livin' in the
house with any man as supposes livin' in the house with any other woman
is goin' to be pleasanter than livin' in the house with the woman as
he's then an' there livin' in the house with. The main thing in life is
to keep men down to a low opinion of every woman's cookin' but yours an'
keep yourself down to a low opinion of the man. You don't want to marry
him then an' he don't want to live with any one else. An' to my order of
thinkin' that's about the only way that a woman can take any comfort
with a man in the house."