"But why? You are not tired of life. I never saw a woman less tired of
it--more radiantly alive."
She got up, went to the window, pushing back a strand of her dark hair
as she did so.
"Since you have guessed so much, I might as well tell you the truth.
I should not have let you in this evening. I might have known that
you would see too much. You are that kind of man. You were right
about the cause. It's the boy. He knows nothing. But last time he
was home, he spoke tragically of a friend of his, and I discovered
something. If he finds out that he is illegitimate it will break his
heart. He is proud--horribly proud! There is a girl. Oh! I won't go
into details. But he is coming very soon--and he wants to know all
about his father--he wants details. The girl's parents naturally want
to know. When he discovers the truth, he will break with her, exile
himself, ruin his life. Oh! I know the things you would say. He is
young, foolish, wrong-headed to take it like that! All true perhaps.
But does it matter what people ought to be? They are what they are.
_It will break his heart._ But if, before he comes, there has been an
accident, everything will be swallowed up in grief for me. He will look
through my papers, find nothing, and be annoyed that I told him so
little. But he will not suspect the truth. It is the best way. One must
pay for happiness, and I have had so much--oh! so much happiness. And
in reality the price will be easy too. A little courage--to take the
leap--perhaps a moment or so of anguish."
"But, my dear child--"
"Don't argue with me." She flared round on him. "I won't listen to
conventional arguments. My life is my own. Up to now, it has been
needed--for John. But he needs it no longer. He wants a mate--a
companion--he will turn to her all the more willingly because I am no
longer there. My life is useless, but my death will be of use. And I
have the right to do what I like with my own life."
"Are you sure?"
The sternness of his tone surprised her. She stammered slightly. "If it
is no good to anyone--and I am the best judge of that--"