A MOURNFUL PROCESSION.
I was sitting before my comfortable library fire in midwinter, 1854, and
had been reflecting upon the mutability of human affairs generally, and
the uncertainty of Shanghae-ism more particularly, when I finally
dropped into a gentle slumber in my easy-chair, where I dozed away an
hour, and dreamed.
My thoughts took a very curious turn. I fancied myself sitting before a
large window that opened into a broad public street, in which I suddenly
discovered a multitude of people moving actively about; and I thought it
was some gala-day in the city, for the throng appeared to be excited and
anxious. "The people" were evidently abroad; and the crowds finally
packed themselves along the sidewalks, leaving the wide street open and
clear; and I could overhear the words "They're coming!" "Here they are!"
I looked out, and beheld an immense gathering of human beings
approaching in a line that stretched away as far as the eye could
reach,--a dense mass of moving mortality, that soon arrived, and passed
the window, beneath me. I was alone in the room, and could ask no
questions. I could only see what occurred before me; and I noted down,
as they passed by, this motley PROCESSION, which moved in the following
=Order of March.=
ESCORT OF INDESCRIBABLES.
Hatless Aid. [Chief Marshal in Black.] Bootless Aid.
Police. TWO EX-MORMONS IN WHITE TUNICS. Police.
Calathumpian Band.
Whig {The "_Know Nothing Guards_," with guns} Democrat
Office-holders. { enough for all useful purposes. } Expectants.
THE "INS." [COLLECTOR AND POSTMASTER.] THE "OUTS."
U.S. {The "National" Democracy, two deep,} U.S. Dist.
Marshal. { in one section. } Att'y.
BANNER.
Motto--"_We know of_ BURNS _that Russia Salve can't cure_."
"Aids to the Revenue." [MARSHAL.] Drawbacks on the Revenue.
_Kaleb Krushing._ [THE MAN WHO FAINTED IN MEXICO.] Jorge ah! Poll.
"_Fanny Fern_,"
Flanked by a company of disappointed Publishers,
twenty-four deep, in twelve sections.
BANNER.
Motto.--"_She's a brick!_"
Aids. [MARSHAL.] Aids.
President of the "N.E. Mutual Admiration" Hen Society.
Fat Marshal. [THE GREAT SHOW MAN.] Lean Marshal.
BAND, playing the "Rogue's March."
Marshal. GHOST OF JOICE HETH. Marshal.
Aids, {A Fejee Mermaid, astride} Aids,
of Quaking Shakers. { the Woolly Horse. } The Happy Family.
Aids, { _Invited Guests._ } and
Their readers { _The Three Historians_, } "admirers."
{ BURNHAM, PRESCOT, and BANCRAFT. }
Escort in the rear, with charged bayonets.
Police. { A _genuine_ "COCHIN-CHINA" Rooster, } Police.
{succeeded by the man who _knew_ him to be such!}
Marshal. {The entire United States American National } Marshal.
Pea Wilder. {Agricultural Society, in a one-horse buggy.} w. ESS king.
[The _good_ this association had accomplished was borne along by a stout
"practical farmer," in a small thimble; the _records_ of its doings were
inscribed on a huge roll of paper, 16,000 yards long, carried upon a
truck drawn by twelve yoke of "pure" Devon oxen.]
BANNER.--Motto: "_Ourselves and those who vote for us._"
Aid, {An ex-U.S. Navy Agent who left that office } Aid,
Naval store {without having made money out of his place!} U.S.
Keeper. { BANNER.--Motto: "_Poor, but honest._" }Sub-Treasurer.
{ The Mass. Hort. Improvement Society, }
One hundred and {_en masse_, with several full bands of} Twenty-five
twenty-five {music, on "seedling" accompaniments, } hundred and
Marshals. {etc. } one gold-medal
{ BANNER. } seekers
{ Motto: "_Cuss the Concord Grape._" }
No { The man who voluntarily gave up his office under the } No
Aids. { National government, _solus_, on horseback, with } friends.
{ BANNER.--Motto: "_Few die, and none resign._" }
{ "THE YOUNG 'UN," }
The defunct { in his own barouche, drawn by four "superb } His
New England { dapple-grey Shanghaes." } vanquished
Hen Society. { BANNER.--Motto: }MUSIC.{ BANNER.--Motto: }Competitors.
{"_Who's afraid?_"} {"_Not this child!_"}
Police. { HEN MEN WHO HAD MISTAKEN THEIR CALLING, } Police.
{twenty-eight deep, in four hundred sections.}
Aids, { GRAIN MEN, _with their bills_, } Aids,
24 Constables { in seventy sections, } All in a row.
{ sixty-four deep. }
BAND, playing "_Hope told a flattering tale._"
{ The great-grandson of the man who set }
Tree-venders { out an orchard of dwarf Pear-trees } with thumbs
and { (in a barouche). He was 102 years } on their
Horticulturists, { old, and believed he should see fruit } noses.
{ on those same trees "next season"! }
Pall Bearers. [ HIS COFFIN, BEHIND. ] Heirs to his estate.
Aids, { BELIEVERS THAT COCHITUATE WATER IS } Aids,
12 Respectable { WHOLESOME (in a chaise) } Board of
Physicians. { } Commissioners.
15 { Chicken Fanciers who _didn't_ buy their eggs } 15
Marshals. { of me, and who _expected they would hatch_! } Marshals.
{ (Four thousand strong.) }
Aids, { A body of Express Agents, who never shook up } Aids,
the { the eggs intrusted to them (though they } the
Conductors. { occasionally shook down their employers). } Brakemen.
BAND.--Air: "_O, I never will deceive you!_"
Flanked by { "_My friend_ THE PRESIDENT," } and the
the Subscribers { In the carriage presented to him } "mourners" who
for _that_ { by "the people," drawn by that } _didn't_ obtain
"Double Harness," { "_superb_ pair of $1500 horses" } fat offices.
{ which we read of in the papers. }
Motto: { } Motto:
"_I'll see you in the Fall._" { BANNERS. } "_Save me from my friends!_"
Full Band.
{ The Hatch Grey Shanghae Express Co., }
Aid, { with the latest news from Nantucket } Aid,
BRASS & CO. { and "Marm Hackett's Garden." } THE "COLONEL."
{ _Motto_: "IMPORTANT, IF TRUE!" }
Aid, { Holders of _Second_ Mortgage R.R. Bonds, } Aid,
Two { 24 deep, in 2400 sections. } One
Presidents. { BANNER. } Treasurer.
{ Motto: "_There's a good time coming._" }
Aids, { The owner of the first "Brahma Pootra" } Aids,
5 Regular { fowls in America, with a map of India } Faculty of
Doctors. { on the seat of his pantaloons. } Ripum College.
Aid { The original members of the } Aid,
Lucy Brick { "WOMEN'S RIGHTS CONVENTION." } Abby Fulsome.
{ BAND.--Air: "_Why don't the men propose?_" }
Aids, { The "wreck of Burnham's character" } Aids,
The First { caused by the _powerful_ newspaper } The "Porte-Monnaie
Premium Fowls { assaults of one } I owe 'em
{ THE BEE MINUR, A.SS. } Company."
BANNER.--Motto: "_Don't_ he feel bad!"
No { The Poultry Fancier who had found out the exact } Too far
aid for { difference between a "Cochin-China" and a } gone!
him! { "Shanghae." }
Unpaid { Delinquent subscribers to northern } Disappointed
Compositors. { _Farmers_, twelve deep, and three } "Press Gang."
{ miles long! }
Marshal. { The "editor," suffering } Marshal.
{ from a severe attack of _roup_. }
{ Dr. Bangit, }
DAVID. { with the unsold copies of his Poultry-Book, } GOLIAH.
{ in a huge baggage-wagon, drawn by 14 horses. }
{ A battalion of victims to the Hen Fever, who } Aids,
Aids, { had bought eggs that "didn't hatch" and who } 15 friends
15 Sisters { were waiting patiently to have their money } to the
of Charity. { returned! } Insane
{ } Poor.
Marshal { My _legal_ friend (on a mule) who promised } Jail Keeper
and { to spend a thousand dollars in prosecuting } and 4
Deputy { me for selling him _Shanghae_ eggs for } Constables.
Sheriff. { _Cochin-Chinas_! }
Aid, { Fat Johnny Jiles, with the head of a _pure_ } Aid,
Barnam. { "Black Spanish" crower on a salver. } Burnum.
{ The men who _didn't_ take the first premiums }
Marshals. { (when I was round) at the Poultry-Shows } Marshals.
{ (in deep mourning). }
Aids, A { The political remains of Frank Pierce, } Aids,
"Cabinet" of { in a toy wheelbarrow, with BANNER, } His own
Curiosities. { on a "sharp stick." Motto: "_Veto._" } Opinions!
Aid, { Victims who purchased Minor's } Aid,
Editor of the { "Patent Cross-grained Collateral } GEN. BANGIT,
_Northum { Beehives," with Motto: } of the "Nauvoo
Farmer_. { "_Burned child dreads the fire._" } Legion."
Aids, { _Customers for_ "_Ozier Willow_," } Aids,
The Sellers. { in two sections, _one man deep_. } The Victims.
{ BANNER.--Motto: "_I rather guess not!_" }
Marshals { A huge concourse of "Copper Stock" and } Marshals.
{ "Agewuth Land" owners, in deep sables. }
FULL BAND.--Air: _Dead March._
BANNER.--Motto: "_You're sure to win--if you don't lose!_"
==> A smooth-skinned _pure_ "Suffolk" Pig, _imported_. <==
Twenty-four Sewing Machines, "_warranted_."
Aid, { President of the "PORTE-MONNAIE I OWE 'EM } Aid,
Secretary. { COMPANY," as Richard III. on horseback. } Treasurer.
Nine "Bother'em Pootrums," rampant.
The few { The identical lot of "pure-bred" fowls that } The
unlucky { Bangit, Plarsterd, Minor, Humm & Co., } Believers
Buyers. { _imported_ (over the left) "for the Southern } in this
{ market," in 1853! } story!
The Hen that lays two eggs a day!
Treasurer of the "Mut. Adm'n Society."
Defunct Hucksters, in a tip-cart.
Four empty Hen-Coops, on wheels.
==> Breeders of _pure_ Alderney cattle! <==
who furnish Pedigrees with long tails.
An effigy of the LAST MAN that will buy Shanghae chickens
(in a strait-jacket).
Police { Purchasers of Live Stock who bought of my competitors; } Sheriff
and { with BANNER. } and
Aids. { Motto: "_We got more than we bargained for!_" } posse.
The Hen-Men who "pity Poor Burnham."
MY OWN CASH CUSTOMERS,
10,000 _strong_!
CAVALCADE.
"THE PEOPLE,"
MUSIC,
And the rest of Mankind,
etc.
The scene was closing! That immense concourse of humbugs and humbugged
had passed on, and I was alone once more. But, a moment afterwards, I
saw the head and face of a comical and good-humored looking Yankee (just
beneath the window), who was in the act of puffing into the air a huge
budget of bubbles, that danced and floated in the atmosphere for a brief
moment, and which, bursting, suddenly awoke me. Here is a sketch of the
_finale_.
[Illustration]