THE PORTE-MONNAIE I OWE 'EM COMPANY.
It has been said, with much of truth, that "two of a calling rarely
agree;" and this applies with force to those engaged in the "hen-trade."
Messrs. Mormann and Humm, whom I have before spoken of, couldn't long
agree together, and their "dissolution" soon appeared; and, from the
ashes of the professional part of this firm, there suddenly arose an
entirely new dodge, under the big-sounding title of
"THE PORTE-MONNAIE I OWE 'EM COMPANY."
The presiding genius of this concern was one Doctor Bangit,--an old
friend of mine, who had been through wars enough to have killed a
regiment of ghouls, who was among the earliest advocates and supporters
of the "New England Mutual Admiration Society," who was one of the very
first physicians employed in prescribing for the hen fever in this
country, and who, I _supposed_, had had sufficient experience not to
embark (at this late day) in such a ridiculous enterprise as this so
clearly seemed to be.
But the doctor saw his victims in prospective, probably; and, though he
had run the hummery of the fowl-fever so far into the ground that, in
his case, it would surely never know a day of resurrection, still he was
ambitious and hopeful; and he flattered himself (and some others) that
the _last man_ who bought live stock had _not_ yet turned up! And so the
doctor pushed on, once more.
The "BLOOD STOCK" of the "_Porte-Monnaie I owe 'em Company_"[12] was
thus advertised, also:
"IN ADDITION to the genuine, unadulterated Prince Albert fowls, the
'Porte-Monnaie I owe 'ems' offer pigs, with tails on, of the Winsor,
Unproved Essex, Proved Suffolks, Yorkshire, Wild Indian, Bramerpouter,
Siam, Hong-Kongo, Emperor Napoleons, and Shanghae Breeds; most of them
of new styles, and warranted to hold their colors in any climate.
"Also, Welsh Rarebits--bred from their Merino buck 'Champum,' of England
(that _didn't_ take the first prize at the National Show, because Mr.
Burnham's 'Knockum' did!), whose ears are each thirty-three feet longer
than those of our best pure-bred jackasses, and wider than five
snow-shovels, by actual measurement.
"Also, A-quack-it fowls; as Swans (_Porte-Monnaie I owe 'em_ strain),
Two-lice, Hong-gong, Brumagem and other Geese. Ruin and Ailsburied
Ducks, and Pharmigan Pigeons (blue-billed).
"Also, every breed of Gallinaceous fowls,--Games and other bloods
already noted,--together with every species of pure and select
blood-stock, which has been secured in Europe, Asia, Africa, and the
Arctic Ocean, with reference to QUALITY, without regard to _price_.
"==>We can furnish pedigrees to all buyers who desire them, which will
be endorsed by the faculty of Riply College, Iowa.
"N.B. The 'Winsor' breed of pigs imported by us is a great addition to
the already fine hog stock of the United States, and is fully _equal_,
if not _superior_, to any other breed. They are the very choicest of the
royal stock which is so much admired in England. We are in possession of
the shipping papers of these splendid pigs. The freight and incidental
expenses on them, alone, amount to about six hundred dollars. They ought
to be fine pigs. Three hundred dollars a _pair_ for the pigs from this
splendid stock would be _low_, taking their great value into
consideration. We have often heard of Prince Albert's stock of pigs, but
until G.P. Burnham, Esq., of Russet House, Melrose, first imported this
superb stock into this country, no American was ever honored with a shy
at this extraordinary breed of swine. The company, at great expense and
trouble, prevailed upon Mr. Burnham to part with a few of his
second-rate samples; and they have now no doubt that they will be able
to 'beat him all to rags,' in a few months, since they have been lucky
enough to get them from him _pure_ly bred (probably!).
"P.S. Of these pigs, which gained the first prize and gold and silver
medal at London in December, 1863, and the first prize and gold and
silver medal in Birmingham, were from Tibby, by Wun-eyed Jack. Old
Pulgubbin's pigs gained a prize at Mutton-head in 1729, and one at
London in 1873."
Still, notwithstanding all this extra flourish of trumpets, the "Porte
Monnaie I owe 'em Company" is well-nigh defunct. It was started,
unfortunately, about five years and eight months "too late in the
season."
Yet, as I honor talent and enterprise, wherever they may be shown, I
trust that this association may be galvanized into successful
operation--as, _perhaps_, it will!
[12] I trust that this association may not be confounded with the
"_Fort Des Moines Iowa Company_." The difference will plainly be seen,
of course.