_The Right to a Normal Home Life_
"After marriage a lady worker continues to be a missionary
in active service and her changed status will afford new
opportunities for service. She will need rightly to
apportion time to language study, home duties and her
calling as a missionary. This will require changes in
outlook and habits, but if the responsibilities of married
life have been prayerfully accepted the varying claims on
time and strength will not result in a permanent conflict of
loyalties.
"The establishing of a Christian home should be for the
glory of God and the spread of the Gospel. One danger to be
avoided is that of missionaries becoming so absorbed in
their home as to neglect an active ministry amongst the
people to whom they have been called. It is the mutual
responsibility of both husband and wife to see that each
does not hinder the other from fulfilling his or her
ministry. Where there are children, it is recognized that
new responsibilities are involved, but care should be taken
that family claims do not monopolize the time and energies
of either parent. Children who grow up in an atmosphere of
loving yet firm discipline are not only a joy to their
parents but an asset to the work of the Gospel. But when
children are over-indulged or uncontrolled, whether on the
field or at home, serious harm to God's cause as well as to
the reputation of the Mission may result."
_--The Overseas Manual of the
China Inland Mission
Overseas Missionary Fellowship_
(1955), p. 22.
What a wonderful thing is a Christian home! What a privilege to be
able to establish, among thousands of darkened, pagan homes, one that
is truly Christian; and to be able to live out the love of Christ in
actual family relationships before people who know nothing of it!
This privilege has not been given to me. The Lord has not led me in
that path. And yet, as I have observed many young couples on the
mission field, and older ones too, I have been able to see a little of
the price they have had to pay. The outsider, looking on, saw only the
love and blessing that radiated from these homes. But as I lived in
some of them, I found that these young couples were faced with
constant problems, and even frustrations, and I wondered whether or
not I could have overcome all obstacles in the gallant way in which
they did.
Shall we take a look at the sort of thing a young married couple on
the mission field has to face? We will call them John and Mary, and
make them just ordinary folk who meet the kind of situations most
young missionaries meet.
* * * * *
A home of her own--that was what Mary longed for. She and John had
been married a few months before leaving for the field, had studied
for a term in language school, and now were living with an older
married couple until their acquaintance with the language and the
customs of the people was enough to warrant their being sent to a
station of their own. Mary found the language easy, but John found it
hard; and they had been on the field for more than two years before
their desire for a home of their own was realized. It was just as well
for Mary that she was quick with the language. Little David was born
when they had been out only a year, and looking after David meant that
she had several hours less each day for study than John had.
When they finally got to their new station, they were surprised to
find that long, uninterrupted hours for language study, which they
still needed, were almost impossible. There was a little church in the
place to which they had been sent, and of course they wanted to do
what they could, with their limited language, to help. They found a
language teacher, but he was not as good as their previous one. Mary
had a girl to help her in the house, but she was untrained, and for
the first few months Mary thought that it was more work training her
than it would have been to do the work herself. They had many
visitors, both Christians and others. John loved to sit and talk with
the men who came, and although his facility in the use of the spoken
language developed, the progress he made in the book work required by
the course of study was extremely slow. Mary often longed to shoo the
men visitors out the door, lead John into his study, set him down at
his desk, and shut him in with his books!
With the care of the baby and the responsibility for the home
devolving upon her, it was a good thing that Mary did enjoy study. She
often said that she thought the Lord gave her, as a young mother,
special help with the language, because He knew how much she had to
do! Because she was so busy, however, she often sat up later at night
over her books than was good for her health, and she became tired and
worn out. The flu came along, and she was an easy victim. Poor John!
He had to be nurse, housekeeper, and baby-tender, all at the same
time. The thing that worried Mary the most about being ill was that
she was keeping John from his studies.
Mary was not entirely back to normal health when David's little sister
was born. What a darling she was! Before her illness, Mary had been
giving a short Bible talk at the women's meeting every other week;
but now it seemed impossible to find time for the hours of preparation
such a talk entailed. Because of her slow recovery it was finally
decided that she and the children must go to a hill resort earlier
than usual that summer. When she returned, she was horrified to
realize that it had been six months since she had given a message in
the native language.
She was feeling much better in every way, however, and settled down to
"get back into the work." The girl who helped her had developed
nicely, and now the two children could be entrusted to her care. In
spite of John's slowness at the language, he had always been able to
make himself understood, and the little church was growing. With his
encouragement, they had started a preaching band, and went to nearby
towns and villages with the Gospel. Sometimes they stayed away for
several weeks at a time. They insisted that John accompany them; and
indeed, he would not have been happy anywhere else. But more and more
Mary found herself left alone at home with the children. Where was the
happy home that she had wanted to establish for John? He was as dear
and as kind as ever when she saw him--but he was away so much! And
during the times he was at home, there were often visitors to see him.
On evenings when there were no visitors she always longed to say,
"Come and sit in the easy chair, John, and we'll have a cozy time
together," but her Puritan conscience usually overcame the promptings
of her heart, and instead she would look at the clock and say
brightly, "Oh, there's still time for you to get in an hour or two of
study! Isn't that nice!"
The time passed rapidly. John _did_ persevere with his language study,
and very slowly got off the required examinations. Mary never had as
much time as he did for study, but she usually kept ahead of him in
the book work. She did not dream of trying to rival him in his
knowledge of the spoken colloquial! At first she used to save up her
problems for him to deal with, but she found that when he returned
from a country trip he was always so tired that she did not like to
burden him, and soon she was struggling alone with most of them. The
children grew rapidly, and usually kept in health, although there were
several occasions when they had serious illnesses. At such times she
would realize afresh that, although the nearest fully qualified doctor
was several days' journey away, the Great Physician was always near!
When David was four, two new missionaries, fresh from their term at
language school, were sent to be with them--two bright, happy girls,
whom Mary welcomed with all her heart. The care of the larger
household took more time, but she did not grudge it. One was quick at
the language, and one was slow. When the discouraged one would come
with her troubles, Mary would comfort her by telling her that John had
been slow too! The two girls became very fond of the children. Mary
was almost overscrupulous about not allowing them to disturb the two,
who were supposed to be giving all their time and effort to language
study. The quick one, Alice, raced through two language exams, and
then had a week in the country with the women's evangelistic team
(organized a year previously, Mary being one of the chief promoters).
It was what Mary had longed to do herself ever since the band was
started, but--well, she had her babies! After all, they _were_ the
most precious children in the world! But when Alice returned, bubbling
over with the novelties and thrills of a week in the country
(fortunately she was not afflicted with a delicate digestion, and
could eat anything with relish--and comfort!), poor Mary, had all she
could do to "rejoice with them that do rejoice." Afterward, in the
privacy of her own room (John was not at home, and the children were
asleep), she finally let go, and the sobs came--stifled by the
bedclothes, so that the children would not be awakened.
And then it was time for furlough! The homeland seemed strange at
first, but they soon got used to things. Everyone was extremely kind,
and showered them with gifts. The meeting with loved ones and friends
was all that they had expected; but the strain of living with their
children in other people's homes (even though they were the homes of
their own dear ones) made things difficult. The relatives constantly
petted the children, and discipline became a problem. Finally they
were able to get an apartment of their own for a few months, and David
started kindergarten. John was constantly in demand as a deputation
speaker, and he traveled back and forth, speaking in many places.
Sometimes Mary thought, with a sigh, that she saw less of him on
furlough than she had on the field!
Certainly they were having a wonderful time at home, but still it
would be nice to get back to the field again! Then, with the thought,
came a stab of pain--for she knew that when that time arrived it would
mean sending little David off to school. The school for missionaries'
children was a long way from their part of the field, and the most
they could hope for after that was to have David during the summers,
and on their furloughs. Her little David! Going so far from home,
among strangers! Perhaps she could keep him awhile, and teach him at
home. If only the leaders of the Mission were not so strict about
insisting that all children of school age be sent to the school for
missionaries' children! What did they know of a mother's love for her
little boy? But before this thought was fully formed, her heart was
reproving her. Of course they knew. Most of them had children of their
own. It was all for the children's good. She had no training for
teaching, and look how busy she had always been! Wherever did she
think she would get time to teach David?
Besides, her mind ran on, David needed to be with other children of
his own age and race, and to get the "give-and-take" that school life
provides. Kindergarten had already been a help. And on the field there
were so many other difficulties! While they were still there, she had
tried her best not to let David feel that he was different from, or
superior to, the children he played with; but she just couldn't let
him do all the things that they did. And he had always wanted to know,
why--why couldn't he wipe his nose on the back of his hand, as all the
other children did? Why did he have to go to bed at a certain hour,
when all the other children stayed up as long as they wished? She
certainly had never said, "It's because you are an American, and we
are different," but somehow David had seemed to acquire that sort of
attitude, and to feel that he was superior to the local children. She
still remembered how helpless she had felt in trying to deal with the
situation!
Well, it did seem that sending him away to school would be necessary
if he were not to grow up proud and overbearing. Then too, she
remembered the day she had to spank him because he had become angry
and shouted at one of his little playmates in very filthy language.
Where had he learned those words? (He had picked up the language, good
and bad alike, without even trying!) She wouldn't even have known what
the words meant, but she had overheard the Bible woman scolding him,
and had gone out to see what was wrong. The Bible woman hadn't wanted
to tell her, but she would not be satisfied until she did. No, if her
boy was going to learn filth like that by being inland with her, there
was no help for it--he must go to school. "Dear Lord," she prayed,
"You know what's best, and I suppose he's got to go; but, oh, Father,
it's like tearing my heart out to send him!"
The time came. John and Mary went back to the field. David went off to
school, bravely choking down the sobs, but with a pathetic, lost look
in his eyes that stabbed his parents' hearts. They tried to forget it,
and to rejoice in the thought of soon meeting again the dear group of
Christians in their old station. But, no! A sudden call came, an
urgent call to a hard place, in an entirely different part of the
field. After much discussion and prayer, it was settled. There was no
chance to go to their old station, even for a visit. Soon they were
far away, among strangers, living in two rented rooms, and trying to
straighten out a very difficult church situation, the like of which
they had never before experienced.
* * * * *
Stories end, but life goes on and on. And the human mind always seems
to magnify the present difficulties, and glamorize the possible
future. John and Mary thought that they had it rather hard their first
term, and that the second would be easier; but when the second term
actually began, and they looked back on the first, they thought it had
been nothing but child's play!
Looking at that first term objectively, we can see that John and Mary
really did have a relatively easy time. For one thing, they lived in
only two places all that time. For one reason or another missionaries
often have to move time and again. Someone who is doing an absolutely
indispensable job breaks down and must go home on furlough, and you
are the only one who can take over. Or the work is being expanded, and
the older workers are scattered farther afield as new ones come in.
Perhaps there is a war, and your station is in the fighting area, and
you have to evacuate. Whatever the reason is, suddenly you find
yourself in the midst of breaking up your home, packing and moving,
and then settling in a new place, finding new people and problems
with which to get acquainted, and perhaps a new dialect to learn.
Other things had been comparatively easy for John and Mary too, that
first term. They did not have any fellow workers who were "difficult."
It was not their lot to start work in virgin territory, or where the
people were unfriendly. They did not get into any difficult church
situations. The church people were eager to co-operate with them, and
quick to profit by their teaching and example. Even in the matter of
health, they did not have a more than average amount of illness. And
the story of their accomplishments during that first term could truly
be used as a model for the young missionary's emulation!
This is not to say that John and Mary had no difficulties.
Difficulties are the normal thing on the mission field, and they had
their share. But they met their difficulties, and they made good. How?
Chiefly by giving up some of their "rights," and foremost among the
rights they gave up was their chance for a normal home life. There was
rarely an evening when John was at home and without a visitor; and if
such an evening came, he spent it at his books. Later he was away from
home for days and weeks, so that the home had to function without the
father much of the time. John had to give up his right to spend a
normal amount of time with his wife and children. Even Mary could not
spend as much time with the children as she would have liked, nor
arrange things for them as she might have wished. And then, after the
first few years, their home was not theirs alone. Most of the time
they had other people living with them. All the way through they had
to put the Lord's work first, and their home second.
Yet was not this attitude of self-sacrifice the thing that made their
home a real Christian home? If they had put their home first, not the
work--if that home had become a self-centered thing, a thing enjoyed
for its own sake--would it not have failed to be what they wanted it
to be? A home that is absorbed in itself is not a truly Christian
home. John was willing to be away so much, and to sacrifice so much,
because his love for his Master was the all-consuming passion of his
life. It was for exactly that reason that his presence--and even the
consciousness of his absence, and the reason for it--did bless that
home. John and Mary gladly took others into their home, really wanting
them, not because they did not appreciate having their own home to
themselves, but because their concern for the work was greater than
their natural desires. They counted the cost, and sent their child
away from them, away to school, because they knew that it was best for
the child and best for the work. Love for Christ was greater than love
for home, or for children, and greater even than love for each other.
If they had held on to their right to home, and given it first place,
that would have meant losing it--losing the Christ-centered home that
they wanted. But in giving it up they found it--found a home that
truly showed forth the love of Christ, because that love was the
compelling force of their individual lives.