But man, proud man,
Dressed in a little brief authority,
Most ignorant of what he's most assured,
* * * * * Plays such fantastic tricks before high
Heaven As make the angels weep, who, with our spleens, Would all
themselves laugh mortal. --Measure for Measure
“Abe, you remember how that man who made the speech when our
colors were presented to us talked of 'the swelling hearts of our
volunteers,' don't you?” said Kent Edwards, as he and Abe Bolton
lounged near the parade-ground one fine afternoon, shortly after
the arrival of the regiment in camp of instruction. “You remember
that that was his favorite figure of rhetoric, and he repeated it
several times?”
“Don't know anything about figger of retterick,” growled Abe, who,
his comrades said, had the evenest temper in the regiment, “for he
was always mad. But I do remember that he said that over several
times, with a lot o' other things without much pint to 'em, until
I thought I'd drop, I was so thirsty and tired.”
“Yes? Well, now if you want to get a good idea of what that
expression meant, look over there. Not only his heart swells, but
he swells all over.”
“I should think he did,” replied Abe, after a moment's inspection.
“Unless his hat has an Injy-rubber band, he'll have to git it cut
offen his head, which ought to be hooped, for it can't swell no
more without busting.”
It was Jacob Alspaugh crossing the parade ground in more than Solomonic
splendor of uniform. His inflated form bore upon it all the blue
and tinsel prescribed by the Army Regulations for the raiment and
insignia of a First Lietenant of Infantry, with such additions as
had been suggested by his exuberant fancy. His blue broadcloth
was the finest and shiniest. Buttons and bugles seemed masses of
barbric gold. From broad-brimmed hat floated the longest ostrich
feather procurable in the shops. Shining leather boots, field-marshal
pattern, came above his knees. Yellow gauntlets covered his massive
hands and reached nearly to his elbows, and on his broad shoulders
were great glittering epaulets--then seldom worn by anyone, and
still more rarely by volunteer officers. He evidently disdained to
hide the crimson glories of his sash in the customary modest way,
by folding it under his belt, but had made of it a broad bandage
for his abdominal regions, which gae him the appearance of some
gigantic crimson-breasted blue-bird. Behind him trailing, clanking
on the ground as he walked, not the modest little sword of his
rank, but a long cavalry saber, with glittering steel scabbard. But
the sheen of gold and steel was dimmed beside the glow of intense
satisfaction with hs make-up that shone in his face. There might
be alloy in his gleaming buttons and bullion epaulets; there was
none in his happiness.
“I feel sorry for the poor lilies of the field that he comes near,”
sighed Kent, sympathetically. “He is like them now, in neither
toiling nor spinning, and yet how ashamed he must make them of
their inferior rainment.”
“Faugh! it makes me sick to see a dunghill like that strutting
around in feathers that belong to game birds.”
“O, no; no game bird ever wore such plumage as that. You must be
thinking of a peacock, or a bird-of-paradise.”
“Well, then, blast it, I hate to see a peacock hatched all at once
out of a slinking, roupy, barnyard rooster.”
“O, no; since circuses are out of the question now, we ought to
be glad of so good a substitute. It only needs a brass band, with
some colored posters, to be a genuine grand entry, with street
parade.”
Alspaugh's triumphal march had now brought him within a few feet
of them, but they continued to lounge indifferently on the musket
box upon which they had been sitting, giving a mere nod as recognition
of his presence, and showing no intention of rising to salute.
The glow of satisfaction faded from Alspaugh's horizon, and a cloud
overcast it.
“Here, you fellers,” he said angrily, “why don't ye git up an'
saloot? Don't ye know your business yit?”
“What business, Jake?” asked Kent Edwards, absently, paying most
attention to a toad which had hopped out form the cover of a budock
leaf, in search of insects for his supper.
Alspaugh's face grew blacker. “The business of paying proper
respect to your officers.”
“It hasn't occured to me that I am neglecting anything in that
line,” said Kent, languidly, shifting over to recline upon his
left elbow, and with his right hand gathering up a little gravel
to flip at the toad; “but maybe you are better acquainted with our
business than we are.”
Abe contributed to the dialogue a scornful laugh, indicative of a most
heartless disbelief in his superior officer's superior intellectuality.
The dark cloud burst in storm: “Don't you know,” said Alspaugh,
angry in every fiber, “that the reggerlations say that 'when an
enlisted man sees an officer approach, he will rise and saloot,
and remain standin' and gazin' in a respectful manner until the
officer passes five paces beyond him?' Say, don't you know that?”
Kent Edwards flipped a bit of gravel with such good aim that it
struck the toad fairly on the head, who blinked his bright eyes in
surprise, and hopped back to his covert. “I am really glad,” said
he, “to know that you have learned SOMETHING of the regulations.
Now, don't say another word about it until I run down to the company
quarters and catch a fellow for a bet, who wants to put up money
that you can never learn a single sentence of them. Don't say
another word, and you can stand in with me on the bet.”
“Had your head measured since you got this idea into it?” asked
Abe Bolton, with well-assumed interest.
“If he did, he had to use a surveyor's chain,” suggested Kent,
flipping another small pebble in the direction of the toad's retreat.
Alspaugh had grown so great upon the liberal feed of the meat of
flattery, that he could hardly make himself believe that he had
heard aright, and that these men did not care a fig for himself or
his authority. Then recovering confidence in the fidelity of their
ears, it seemed to him that such conduct was aggravated mutiny, which
military discipline demanded should receive condign punishment on
the spot. Had he any confidence in his ability to use the doughy
weapon at his side, he would not have resisted the strong temptation
to draw his sword and make an example then and there of the contemners
of his power and magnificence. But the culprits has shown such an
aptitude in the use of arms as to inspire his wholesome respect,
and he was very far from sure that they might not make a display
of his broadsword an occasion for heaping fresh ridicule upon him.
An opportune remembrance came to his aid:
“If it wasn't for the strcit orders we officers got yesterday not
to allow ourselves to be provoked under any circumstances into
striking our men, I'd learn you fellers mighty quick not to insult
your superior officers. I'd bring you to time, I can tell you.
But I'll settle with you yit. I'll have you in the guard hose
on bread and water in short meter, and then I'll learn you to be
respectful and obedient.”
“He means 'teach,' instead of 'learn,'” said Kent, apologetically,
to Abe. “It's just awful to have a man, wearing shoulder-straps,
abuse English grammar in that way. What's grammar done to him to
deserve such treatment? He hasn't even a speaking acquaintance
with it.”
“I 'spose it's because grammar can't hit back. That's the kind he
always picks on,” answered Abe.
“You'll pay for this,” shouted Alspaugh, striding off after the
Seargent of the Guard.
At that moment a little drummer appeared by the flagstaff, and beat
a lively rataplan.
“That's for dress-parade,” said Kent Edwards, rising. “We'd better
skip right over to quarters and fall in.”
“Wish their dress-parades were in the brimstone flames,” growled
Abe Bolton, as he rose to accompany his comrade. “All they're for
is to stand up as a background, to show off a lot of spruce young
officers dressed in fancy rigs.”
“Well,” said Kent, lightly, as they walked along, “I kind of like
that; don't you? We make picturesque backgrounds, don't we? you
and I, especially you, the soft, tender, lithe and willowy; and
I, the frowning, rugged and adamantine, so to speak. I think the
background business is our best hold.”
He laughed heartily at his own sarcasm, but Abe was not to be moved
by such frivolity, and answered glumly:
“O, yes; laugh about it, if you choose. That's your way: giggle
over everything. But when I play background, I want it to be with
something worth while in the foreground. I don't hanker after
making myself a foil to show off such fellers as our officers are,
to good advantage.”
“That don't bother me any more than it does a mountain to serve as
a background for a nanny goat and a pair of sore-eyed mules!”
“Yes, but the mountain sometimes has an opportunity to drop an
avalanche on 'em.”
At this point of the discussion they arrived at the company grounds,
and had scarcely time to snatch up their guns and don their belts
before the company moved out to take its place in the regimental
line.
The occasion of Lieutenant Alspaugh's elaborate personal ornamentation
now manifested itself. By reason of Captain Bennett's absence,
he was in command of the company, and was about to make his first
appearance on parade in that capacity. Two or three young women,
of the hollyhock order of beauty, whom he was very anxious to
impress, had been brought to camp, to witness his apotheosis into
a commanding officer.
The moment, however, that he placed himself at the head of the company
and drew sword, the chill breath of distrust sent the mercury of
his self-confidence down to zero. It looked so easy to command
a company when some one else was doing it; it was hard when he
tried it himself. All the imps of confusion held high revel in
his mind when he attempted to give the orders which he had conned
until he supposed he had them “dead-letter perfect.” he felt his
usually-unfailing assurance shrivel up under the gaze of hundreds
of mercilessly critical eyes. He managed to stammer out:
“ATTENTION, COMPANY! FORWARD, FILE RIGHT, MARCH!”
But as the company began to execute the order, it seemed to be
going just the opposite to what he had commanded, and he called
out excitedly:
“Not that way! Not that way! I said 'file right,' and you're
going left.”
“We are filing right,” answered some in the company. “You're turned
around; that's what's the matter with you.”
So it was. He had forgotten that when standing facing the men, he
must give them orders in reverse from what the movement appeared to
him. This increased his confusion, until all his drill knowledge
seemed gone from him. The sight of his young lady friends, clad
in masses of primary colors, stimulated him to a strong effort to
recover his audacity, and bracing himself up, he began calling out
the guide and step, with a noisy confidence that made him heard
all over the parade ground:
“Left! left! left! Hep! hep! hep! Cast them head and eyes to the
right!”
Trouble loomed up mountainously as he approached the line.
Putting a company into its place on parade is one of the crucial
tests of tactical proficiency. To march a company to exactly the
right spot, with every man keeping his proper distance from his
file-leader--“twenty-eight inches from back to breast,” clear down
the column, so that when the order “front” was given, every one
turns, as if on pivot, and touches elbows with those on each side
of him, in a straight, firm wall of men, without any shambling “closing
up,” or “side-stepping” to the right or left,--to do all this at
word of command, looks very simple and easy to the non-military
spectator, as many other very difficult things look simple and easy
to the inexperienced. But really it is only possible to a thoroughly
drilled company, held well in hand by a competent commander. It
is something that, if done well, is simply done well, but if not
done well, is very bad. It is like an egg that is either good or
utterly worthless.
Alspaugh seemed fated to exhaust the category of possible mistakes.
Coming on the ground late he found that a gap had been left in the
line for his company which was only barely sufficient to receive
it when it was aligned and compactly “dressed.”
In his nervousness he halted the company before it had reached the
right of the gap by ten paces, and so left about one-quarter of the
company lapping over on the one to his left. Even this was done
with an unsightly jumble. His confusion as to the reversal of right
and left still abode with him. He commanded “right face” instead
of “front,” and was amazed to see the whole one hundred well-drilled
men whirl their backs around to the regiment and the commanding
officer. A laugh rippled down the ranks of the other companies;
even the spectators smiled, and something sounded like swearing by
the Adjutant and Sergeant-Major.
Alspaugh lifted his plumed hat, and wiped the beaded perspiration
from his brow with the back of one of the yellow gauntlets.
“Order an 'about face,'” whispered the Orderly-Sergeant, whose
face was burning with shame at the awkward position in which the
company found itself.
“ABOUT--FACE!” gasped Alspaugh.
The men turned on their heels.
“Side-step to the right,” whispered the Orderly.
“Side-step to the right,” repeated Alspaugh, mechanically.
The men took short side-steps, and following the orders which
Alspaugh repeated from the whispered suggestions of the Orderly,
the company came clumsily forward into its place, “dressed,” and
“opened ranks to the rear.” When at the command of “parade-rest,”
Alspaugh dropped his saber's point to the ground, he did it with
the crushed feeling of a strutting cock which has been flung into
the pond and emerges with dripping feathers.
He raised his heart in sincere thanksgiving that he was at last
through, for there was nothing more for him to do during the parade,
except to stand still, and at its conclusion the Orderly would have
to march the company back to its quarters.
But his woes had still another chapter. The Inspector-General had
come to camp to inspect the regiment, and he was on the ground.
Forty years of service in the regular army, with promotion averaging
one grade every ten years, making him an old man and a grandfather
before he was a Lieutenant-Colonel, had so surcharged Col. Murbank's
nature with bitterness as to make even the very air in his vicinity
seem roughly astringent. The wicked young Lieutenants who served
with him on the Plains used to say that his bark was worse than
his bite, because no reasonable bite could ever be so bad as his
bark. They even suggested calling him “Peruvian Bark,” because a
visit to his quarters was worse than a strong does of quinia.
“Yeth, that'th good,” said the lisping wit of the crowd. “Evely
bite ith a bit, ain't it? And the wortht mutht be a bitter, ath
he ith.”
The Colonel believed tha the whole duty of man consisted in loving
the army regulations, and in keeping their commandments. The best
part of all virtue was to observe them to the letter; the most
abhorrent form of vice, to violate or disregard even their minor
precepts.
His feelings were continually lacerated by contact with volunteers,
who cared next to nothing for the FORM of war-making, but everything
for its spirit, and the martinet heart within him was bruised and
sore when he came upon the ground to inspect the regiment.
Alspaugh's blundering in bringing the company into line awakened
this ire from a passivity to activity.
“I'll have that dunderhead's shoulder-straps off inside of a
fortnight,” he muttered between his teeth.
The unhappy Lietenant's inability to even stand properly during the
parade, or repeat an order intensified his rage. When the parade
was dismissed the officers, as usual, sheathed their swords, and
forming a line with the Adjutant in the center, marched forward
to teh commanding and inspecting officers, and saluted. Then the
wrath of the old Inspector became vocable.
“What in God's name,” he roared, fixing his glance upon Alspaugh
so unmistakably that enve the latter's rainbow-clad girls, who had
crowded up closely, could not make a mistake as to the victim of
the expletives. “What in God's name, sir,” repeated the old fellow
with purpling face, “do you mean by bringing your company on to the
ground in that absurd way, sir? Did you think, sir, that it was a
hod of brick--with which I have no doubt you are most familiar--that
you could dump down any place and any how, sir? Such misconduct
is simply disgraceful, sir, I'd have you know. Simply disgraceful,
sir.”
He paused for breath, but Alspaugh had no word of defense to offer.
“And what do you mean, sir,” resumed the Inspector, after inflating
his lungs for another gust, “what in the name of all the piebald
circus clowns that ever jiggered around on sawdust, do you mean
by coming on parade dressed like the ringmaster of a traveling
monkey-show, sir? Haven't you any more idea of the honor of wearing
a United States sword--the noblest weapon on earth, sir--than to
make yourself look like the drum-major of a band of nigger minstrels,
sir! A United States officer ought to be ashamed to make a damned
harlequin of himself, sir. I'd have you to understand that most
distinctly, sir!”
The Inspector's stock of breath, alas, was not so ample as in the
far-off days when his sturdy shoulders bore the modest single-bar,
instead of the proud spread eagle of the present. Even had it been,
the explosive energy of his speech would have speedily exhausted
it. Compelled to stop to pump in a fresh supply, the Colonel of
the regiment took advantage of the pause to whisper in his ear:
“Don't be too rough on him, please. He's a good man but green.
Promoted from the ranks for courage in action. First appearance
on parade. He'll do better if given a chance.”
The Inspector's anger was mollified. Addressing himself to all
the officers, he continued in a milder tone:
“Gentlemen, you seem to be making progress in acquiring a knowledge
of your duties, though you have a world of things yet to learn.
I shall say so in my report to the General. You can go to your
quarters.”
The line of officers dissolved, and the spectators began to melt
away. Alspaugh's assurance rose buoyantly the moment that the
pressure was removed. He raised his eyes from the ground, and
looked for the young ladies. They had turned their backs and were
leaving the ground. He hastened after them, fabricating as he
walked an explanation, based on personal jealousy, of the Inspector's
treatment of him. He was within a step of overtaking them when he
heard one say, with toss of flaunting ribbons, and hoidenish giggle:
“Did you EVER see ANY-body wilt as Alspaugh did when old
Bite-Your-Head-Off-In-a-Minute was jawing him? It was so awfully
FUNNY that I just thought I SHOULD DIE.”
The sentence ended with the picturesque rapid CRESCENDO employed
by maidens of her type in describing a convulsive experience.
“Just didn't he,” joined in another. “I never saw ANY-thing so
funny in all my BORN DAYS. I was AFRAID to look at either one of
YOU; I knew if I DID I would BURST RIGHT OUT laughing. I couldn't've
HELPED it--I know I COULDN'T, if I'd'a knowed I'd'a DIED the next
MINUTE.”
“This would seem to be a pretty good time to drop the fellow,”
added the third girl, reflectively.
Alspaugh turned and went in another direction. At the 9 o'clock
roll-call he informed the company that the Inspector was well
pleased with its appearance on parade.