whole year since I have left them, to comprehend that what I had run
away from could not have made me happy, and that I was not necessarily
a bad daughter, because unable to gratify them in that respect? But no,
they have remained as hard as stone, hard as no one could be to any
living creature who had a soul, but only towards a soulless picture
such as they had long considered me, and as such set me up for show. It
is true that while I remained at Speyer they might have hoped that I
should change my mind. But my stay there was but short. My old aunt was
accustomed to a very quiet life. Now when a beauty suddenly made her
appearance in the house, whom all young men followed, and that visits
and enquiries became incessant, and this person and that were always
bringing me an offer from some one or other, it was too much for the
good woman to bear. She told me one day that I could not remain any
longer with her, but that she had found me a very good situation with a
baroness who lived on her estates near Munich, and wanted a governess
for her two little daughters; and as I had been well educated, could
speak French and play the pianoforte, my aunt had arranged it all, and
I was to set off the next day but one.
"'I was very much pleased at this; I longed to begin life on my own
account, and earn my own bread. But this too was to be a failure, and
again there was no one to blame but this hateful face that I cannot get
rid of. Well, to make a long story short, the baroness and the children
took to me and I to them, and during the first days when we were alone,
everything went well. Then came the baron from the city to pay us a
visit, and instantly the sky changed; he behaved, indeed, very
politely, only that he made the usual face of amazement which I am so
sick of, and that all people make who see me for the first time. I,
indeed, am accustomed to it, take no notice, and go my way quietly, but
the gracious lady, who had not seen that expression on her husband's
face before, could not take it so easily, and the end of the matter
was, that on the following day, after a very lively discussion between
the master and mistress of the house, I was sent for to her boudoir,
and told that she much regretted being unable to keep me, but needed
the room that I occupied for a young relative who had suddenly
announced herself for the whole winter. However, she was conscientious
enough to give me, without my demanding it, my salary for that whole
winter.
"'There I was again on the wide world! I had a great mind to buy myself
a black mask, like the lady with the death's head, and hide my face
once for all, that it might not get me into any further trouble.
"'And indeed if I could only have foreseen what I had yet to endure I
should have done so, or something madder still. I should have become a
Catholic just to go into a nunnery.
"'Three times in this town I have had to change my rooms because people
would not leave me alone. I can assure you, if I had stolen or forged,
or done any other disgraceful thing that I feared might come out, I
could not live in greater anxiety and uncertainty than now, when I have
no one to stand by me in the right way and guard me from wicked men and
my unfortunate fate: but I will spare you all details; you can imagine
them. And then to have nothing to do, and not rightly to understand
anything, to read half the day, the other half to wonder what is to
become of me when my money and my patience come to an end, as they
must. The people with whom I lodge at present--Babette's parents--have
all been sorry for me since they saw that I was no worthless runaway
creature, but had only been afflicted with that church-window face. But
what can _they_ do? I help a little in the house, I have learnt some
sewing, as the man is a regimental tailor; I teach Babette to read and
write, but the good souls are too poor to keep a governess. So this
last March when I had had to give up a situation in a jeweller's
shop--of course on account of my face--I was obliged to write again to
my parents, and ask them to take me back. No doubt they thought they
need only remain hard for a little time in order perfectly to soften
me. They wrote me word, therefore, that the tanner was still waiting
for me, and that all would be forgiven if I came to my senses at last,
but if I did not do so, I might just remain where I was. My aunt Millie
sent me a little money, but not much; she has herself been swindled
latterly out of great part of her means. And so there I had to sit
again, my hands in my lap; and if I accidentally saw myself in the
glass, I was so angry and wild with the unlucky face that looked back
at me, that I should have scratched my eyes out if only my nails and my
courage had had strength for it.
"'Meanwhile the tailor's wife had often advised me to make a
maintenance by sitting as a model. A relation of hers lived that way,
who was no real beauty, but only well-grown. Looks were a gift of God
like everything else, and if a singer hired out her beautiful voice for
gold, why should not I let the same face that had brought me into
trouble help me out of it again? But to all such propositions I always
returned the same answer; I knew that nothing could be so bitter to my
lover as to hear that I had let myself be looked at for money like a
show at a fair, and had gone to serve as lay figure first to one and
then to another. That I knew he would never forgive. "_He_ forgive,
indeed," said the woman, "he ought to think himself very happy if you
forgive him for having taken himself off, and never making a sign
since." However, I remained quite resolute, till at length I was at the
last gasp, and did not know how I was to pay my next month's lodgings.
If Herr van Kuylen had not come forward--whom I could trust to have no
bad intentions--God knows I have many a time walked through the English
garden, and thought if I took a cold bath there, it would be the best
and quickest way of escape!
"'And now forgive me for telling you such a long story from beginning
to end. But you have done me a real kindness by listening without
laughing or shaking your heads. For most people will not believe that
one can be unhappy except through his own fault, and least of all
unhappy through what is considered the greatest good fortune. Babette,'
said she to the child, who just then brought in her wreath, 'take up
your knitting and put the book back in its place. We must go, it has
struck five, and your mother will be waiting.'
"Van Kuylen jumped up as if some one had shaken him out of sleep.
"'Will you come to-morrow at the same time, Miss Kate?' said he,
without looking at her.
"'To-morrow my landlady goes to a wedding,' she replied, tying on a
little black bonnet that framed her face most exquisitely. 'I must
stay at home with the children, but the day after to-morrow if it suits
you--'
"He silently bowed, and prepared to help her on with her dark woollen
shawl, which, however, she declined. She muffled herself up so
completely in it that her slender form was hardly apparent, even to an
artist's eye; then she tied on an almost impervious black veil, and
curtsied to me with a bewitching blush. I smiled and heartily shook
hands with her. 'I am much indebted to you, my dear young lady,' said
I, 'for having acquainted me with your singular story. I am a married
man, and, thank God! still in love with my wife, so that there can be
no fear of jealousy in our case; therefore, if ever you need counsel or
help, my house is--so-and-so--and I should be delighted if you had
confidence in us and allowed us to render you some slight service. For
the rest I cannot look upon the matter so despairingly. Who knows
whether you will not have to apologise to your face for all the hard
words you have bestowed upon it? He who wins the first prize in a
lottery may have indeed some perplexities in consequence, but for all
that the first prize is no bad thing, and makes up to us for many a
drawback. Everywhere there is light and shade'--and so forth, for I do
not suppose that the cheap wisdom with which I sought to console the
poor child would be tolerable repeated.
"Indeed I was aware even at the time that it did not produce much
effect. On the contrary the beautiful face grew sad and weary, as if
she was at confession, and she went away without saying another word;
only I heard a sigh under the thick veil, which fell, and produced a
total eclipse.
"I was alone with Van Kuylen, and for a short time we each went on
silently puffing out thick clouds, for the little Dutchman lit his
clay-pipe the moment the beautiful girl disappeared.
"'Well, Mynheer,' said I at last, 'I must congratulate you; you are a
lucky dog.'
"'I!' he returned, with a short ironical laugh. 'Through what sort of
glasses do you look upon the world that you can utter such a prophecy?'
"'Through my own unaided eyes,' returned I. 'Are you not indeed
enviable enough in this, that you have caught in your net the shy bird
after which so many have followed in vain. If you only set about it
rightly, the bird will grow so tame that you will be able to cage it at
last.'
"He turned away: he did not wish me to see the vivid red that suffused
his yellow face.
"'You don't know her,' he muttered, 'she is quite different to all
others, and if I were the fool you take me to be--'
"'You would be no fool at all,' I continued, exciting myself as I went
on. 'You need not of course repeat it to my wife, but by St. Katharine
I swear to you, Master Jan, that were I in your place I should not long
play St. Anthony's part. I would do everything on earth to deliver that
poor child from her purgatory--'
"'And to lead her into a Paradise where such an Adam--get off with
you,' said he, with a very unpolite gesture.
"But I knew how to take him; I drew nearer and placed my hand on his
shoulder.
"'If it is disagreeable to you, I will not say another word, but can
you suppose that a certain Hans Lutz--'
"He sprang from his low seat and ran distractedly up and down the
studio.
"'Don't make me mad,' he cried. 'If you have noticed that I am over
head and ears in love with the girl--as far as _that_ goes there is no
disgrace in it; but I am not such an insane idiotic ape as to imagine
for a moment that my respectable visage will drive the sweet child's
first love out of her heart, and that a mere settlement in life will
not decoy her you have yourself heard. Why then come and blow upon the
coals with the bellows of your common-place philosophy? Am I not
already wretched enough, in that I plainly see how hopeless the whole
matter is, and yet cannot leave off gazing at her by the hour, just to
burn in that cruel face of hers upon my memory? And now, forsooth,
you must come and prate of solid possibilities, and congratulate me,
and--the devil take it! It is just as if you were to hold the pin on
which a living cockchafer is impaled in a candle, and make it red-hot.'
"He threw himself down on a low ottoman in the corner with such
vehemence, that he broke off the neck of a costly Florentine lute lying
there, without even noticing it.
"I would now gladly have recalled my thoughtless words.
"'If the case is really so, Mynheer,' said I, 'I own there is nothing
to congratulate you upon. But I do not understand why a man like you
should so utterly despair. You have no tannery, but you are a famous
artist; you do not smell of scents, but as a man should, of strong
Porto Rico; and all the rest is mere matter of taste. Women are women,
and it is impossible to reckon upon their fancies. That she is not
exactly set upon an Adonis is evident--'
"I might have gone on for some time putting forth these platitudes,
with the best intentions, if he had not suddenly turned upon me with
a quite phlegmatic air, and asked me--not without a quiver in his
voice--what o'clock it was, and whether the 'Muette de Portici' was not
going to be performed that night. I then saw plainly how things stood,
swallowed down my annoyance at having so stupidly interfered in so
tender a matter, and took leave under the pretext that my wife was
waiting for me to pay a visit.
"A visit on Whit Monday afternoon when no one is at home! but so one
stumbles on from one discrepancy to another.
"Accordingly the series of my mortifications was not yet over for that
particular day; for when I had got home to my good wife, and given her
a true and faithful account of where I had been, and what I had seen
and heard, and finally (though indeed her silence in listening
foreboded no good), added: 'It would be a real comfort to me if I could
do something for the pretty child, and might it not be as well to offer
her our spare room as it chanced to be empty,'--a small matrimonial
tempest burst at once, which I had passively to endure. My wife had,
indeed, long been upon the point of telling me that this Van Kuylen
exercised the worst influence over me, and was the most unfit
companion; a frivolous bachelor who had no respect for holy things,
and had already infected me with his mocking and blasphemous spirit.
She had supposed, when she married a landscape painter, that her
house would at least be free from such a disreputable set as models
generally are, lost to all sense of decency and shame, and of whom the
most horrible stories were heard. And now I had returned from that
trumpery Dutchman, not only with my clothes reeking of the very worst
tobacco-smoke, but in such a wholly perverted state of mind, and with
such entire forgetfulness of what was due to a virtuous young wife,
that I could actually propose to her to receive into our family this
suspicious person, who had turned my head with her bit of prettiness
and her dubious adventures. Rather than consent to such a step, she
would take her innocent children in her arms, and at once leave the
field clear; for it was too plain to see from the fervour with which I
had proposed this fine plan, what must eventually come of it. And so
saying, she caught up our little Christopher who had tripped in, with
such a passionate burst of tears, and pressed his small fair head so
closely to her breast, it seemed as if she would fain save the poor
harmless child from the evil eye of a sinful father who had irrevocably
made over his soul to him who shall be nameless.
"I had no small difficulty in allaying the excitement of my dear
better-half; she was generally patience and self-abnegation itself, but
there is one point on which women are not to be trifled with, which
makes hyenas of them, as Schiller says, and I inwardly called myself a
confounded ass for having displayed my aesthetic enthusiasm for the
beautiful girl in so wrong a quarter.
"Of course I took good care not to revert to the dangerous subject, but
remained at home the whole of the next day, and devoted myself to
painting an old oak-forest, as if the riven and rugged bark of the
secular trees was far more bewitching than the smoothest satin-skin of
a maiden of twenty, and a gnarled oak-branch more ensnaring than the
exquisite little Venus-like nose of our poor persecuted beauty.
"The next day I even accomplished a greater triumph over myself, in
that I withstood the temptation of looking in--quite accidentally, of
course--at Van Kuylen's studio, there to play the part of comforter to
a distressed child of humanity. I was certainly a little absent-minded
all the afternoon, and as we walked to Nymphenburg, our children pushed
along in the perambulator by the maid, failed to get up any very
animated conversation. I apologised somewhat lamely for it, on the plea
that I was studying atmospheric effects, though indeed there was
nothing very noticeable in the sky. But my wife found it much
pleasanter than if I had indulged my bad habit of too earnestly
studying the faces of the girls and women we passed. There is
indisputably about the sex this one weakness, that they have themselves
no conception of a purely artistic standpoint, and therefore never
allow for it in others.
"At last after four or five days, I found it intolerable to my manly
self-respect, thus suddenly to withdraw from my worthy Dutchman, merely
because he was in my wife's bad books. Consequently, after washing my
brushes, I set out just about twilight, when I knew that though he
could paint no longer, he was sure to be at home; and in this was most
perfectly justified in my own eyes, since I could not possibly be
expecting to find the fair Kate there, but only my small and unjustly
calumniated friend.
"And to be sure I saw from a distance the shining of his lamp through
the window: nevertheless I had to be told by the old servant that her
master was gone out. Neither did I fare any better on the following day
when I knocked at his studio during his hours of work. I called out my
name as loud as I could, but he wouldn't open. When I enquired from the
old servant whether he was occupied with a model, she shook her head,
and shrugged her shoulders; then tapping her forehead with a very
significant gesture, she sighed and said, 'Things had not been right
with the good gentleman for some days past; he ate and drank nothing to
speak of, walked up and down his bed-room half the night, and spoke to
no one.' I asked whether the young lady who was with him on Whit Monday
had been there since. The answer was that she had not, but that he
still went on painting her, out of his head, and the good woman herself
had already thought that love might have something to do with her
master's silence and absence of mind.
"The truth flashed in upon me too plainly, and I tacitly reproached
myself with having poured oil on the flame by speaking of his
attachment to the lovely being as something quite reasonable and by no
means hopeless. Truly, if we always reflected the serious mischief our
jesting words might make, we should be at least as cautious in uttering
them, as we are in ascertaining upon what we are about to throw the
burning end of our cigar.
"Meanwhile there was nothing to be done. I knew my eccentric Mynheer
Jan too well. If he had taken it into his head to eat a whole Edam
cheese for his breakfast, no one could have dissuaded him. I made two
other attempts to get at him, but in vain; and one evening when I
accidentally met him by the 'Aukirche'--we had almost run up against
each other--he was off like a shot, and all my calling, and scolding,
and running after him did no good; he _would_ not have anything to do
with me.
"By-and-bye I came to take the matter more quietly, and to say to
myself, 'If he can do without thee, thou canst get on without him.'
This mood of mine won me approving looks from my dear wife. I willingly
allowed her the triumph--of which, by-the-way, she did not boast
ungenerously--of believing that her remonstrances had weaned me from
that soul-destroyer, Jan, and brought me back to the paths of virtue
and landscape-painting. When my oak forest was done, we broke up our
tent in the town, to pitch it, as we annually did, in the mountains. I
wrote a kindly note to wish my friend good-bye, but got no answer in
return. And so most of the summer passed away without my knowing
whether he were dead or alive. The fair Kate seemed to have been
swallowed up by an earthquake. Of all my friends and colleagues, who
were generally not long in tracking out anything rare, none had
discovered the slightest trace of our poor wonder of the world.
"When, however, the middle of September came, and I had got a little
tired of painting studies, and perhaps, also, of the monotonous fare of
our country abode, and began to long for a return to the amenities of
town life, I became conscious of a lively desire to know what had
become of my Dutchman and his beauty. My first walk in Munich was to
his studio, where I found the nest empty indeed, but left upon his
little slate my name and a hearty greeting. After that I went with my
wife to the exhibition, for where one has been so long face to face
with nature, it is a pleasure to see how art has been getting on in the
meantime. But what was my amazement, when the first picture my eyes
fell upon, was nothing else than an unmistakable genuine Van Kuylen, in
which his unfortunate studies of Kate were turned to account in his
well-known manner, and certainly so questionably, that I at first
pretended not to notice it, in order to get my wife safely past. But
she with her lynx-eyes instantly made out the whole story.
"'But do look,' she said, in a tolerably calm voice, in which, however,
I could detect a satirical tone; 'here is a picture by your Dutch
painter of holy subjects, and on a larger scale than any we have seen
before. I must say, if the subject were not so objectionable, it would
go far to reconcile me to him. It seems to me that he has made great
progress: one might almost call this picture beautiful; not only the
colouring, but the whole composition has something grandiose,
historical as you call it, a style--' (You may see that the little
woman had not consorted with artists for the last six years for
nothing, and could deliver her art-criticisms as confidently as any
newspaper writer, only rather more intelligently.) 'But I believe,' she
continued, 'that the Bathsheba who is there undressing to take a bath
in a very shallow reservoir, is your marvellous creature from the
Rhine. At all events, she does not look like any of the other studies
in the room, and the little King David who peeps from an upper window,
and naturally shows us the beautiful cheese-coloured face of the
painter, looks at the lady with a genuine artist's eye, such as I have
seen in other people's heads when staring under the bonnets of pretty
girls,' (with that, a side glance at her faithful husband.) 'Well! I
must say she is not bad-looking, if he has not idealised his model too
much; but was I not right to refuse to take that persecuted innocence
into our house? A pretty snake, indeed, I should have warmed in my
breast! _She_ helpless! I think one who lets herself be painted thus,
knows very well how to help herself. And really I do not know which I
ought to wonder at most, at my good unsuspicious husband, who was so
easily taken in by an experienced adventuress, or, if indeed he were
not so entirely harmless in the matter, at his sanguine hope of
humbugging me. At all events I am very glad that things have taken this
turn.'
"After this attack and these imputations clothed in the most discreet
and proper language, to which I had not so much as a word to answer, my
domestic guardian angel drew me hastily away, as if fearing that
dangerous person might even in her picture exercise some witchcraft
over me. And really there was nothing out of the way in the idea, for
all that my eccentric friend possessed of taste and love of beauty, had
been expended on the figure of the young woman, who, already undraped
to the hips, sat on a low stool in the act of taking off her little
shoe. While so doing she turned to the left the well-remembered
profile, which was drawn with the tenderest contour, not a single
feature altered, and a striking likeness; her hair, which seemed to
have been just loosened, fell in bewitching confusion over her lustrous
neck. Her back and arms were so beautifully drawn, that I knew not how
to give the good 'genre' painter credit for them. But what specially
attracted me was the sad impassive expression with which the fair being
bent her head, and cast her long-lashed eyes on the ground. King David
up there in his balcony did not appear to me at that moment to be such
a great sinner after all; or at least the extenuating circumstances
under which that abominable letter anent Uriah was written, came before
me more impressively than they had ever done in the presence of any
painting of the subject before.
"I confess that I spent the rest of the day in a somewhat perturbed
mood; my old creed, namely, that women _were_ women, was once more
confirmed, and the apparent exception turned out to be an illusion.
Whether it were through vanity, or distress, or mere apathy, the
beautiful girl had not maintained her inviolability. But although it is
very pleasant to be proved right, and though I ought, besides, to have
rejoiced that the poor _innamorato_ should in this not unusual way be
healed of his madness, and probably at this moment happily betrothed,
if not already a husband, there nevertheless lurked a certain
uncomfortable feeling in my mind, and I caught myself involuntarily
shaking my head as though there were something not quite right about
it. My quick-witted wife seemed to discern what was going on within me,
but as though the subject of my musings were too low and common to bear
discussion, she never referred to the picture, and treated me with a
gentleness and consideration befitting a penitent; in the spirit, in
short, of the beautiful axiom, 'If a man have fallen, let love bring
him back to duty.'
"On the following morning I was anxious to go to work, with fresh
energies, at a new picture which I had already mentally composed; but I
discovered that there was something wrong with me--there was still that
story to unravel. What I should have liked best would have been to have
gone at once to Mynheer Jan, and heard the truth, but he never got up
before ten o'clock in the morning; so I lounged off again to the
exhibition, that I might study the picture I had too hurriedly looked
at the previous day, and was not a little annoyed at being reminded by
the closed door that it was Saturday, the day when the pictures are
hung and the public excluded. The official told me that Herr van
Kuylen's picture had been taken back to his studio in the course of the
previous evening.