DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Would you kindly suggest to Mr. CALDERON, in the
interest of Historical and religious Art, that he should give us for
next year's Academy, as companion-picture to his "_St. Elizabeth,"
"Cardinal Wolsey, in his old age, left naked to his enemies._"--Yours,
_artfully_, A SHAKSPEARIAN READER, BUT NO LATIN SCHOLAR.
* * * * *
[Illustration: A PARLIAMENTARY ASIDE.
FRIENDLY VISITOR (_effusively_). "IT IS INDEED A BE-UTIFUL CHE-ILD!
(_Aside._) _FLABBY, DABBY BABBY!!_"]
* * * * *
"KNOWLEDGE IS INVALUABLE!"
SCENE--_Royal Commission of the Future. Commissioners present.
Last Witness under examination._
_Chairman_. And now, my lad, you have learned everything.
_Witness_ (_modestly_). Yes, my Lord and Gentlemen, up to a certain
point.
_Chairman_. Quite so--you have, generally speaking, an education
rather better than an average City Clerk?
_Witness_ (_in the same modest tone_). So I am given to understand.
_Chairman_. What is your father?
_Witness_. An artisan. But pardon me, I think I can anticipate and
answer the next question. I am entirely unfit to follow my parent's
calling--physically and morally. My frame has been weakened by study,
and my education prevents--.
_Chairman_ (_interrupting_). Just so. We can hardly expect a lad of
fourteen who is good enough to floor the London matriculation taking
to bricklaying? (_Murmurs of general assent_.) Well, my boy, have you
tried to get a clerkship?
_Witness_. Alas! yes, indeed I have, my Lord and Gentlemen. I have
tried everywhere to obtain employment, but without success.
_Chairman_ (_sympathetically_). Dear me! Very sad! But come, my
lad, we have given you something more than an ordinary commercial
education--you have acquired accomplishments.
_Witness_. Yes, my Lord and Gentlemen; but, believe me, they are
valueless. I am an excellent violinist, but there is no room for me at
the theatres. It is true I might, by paying my footing, secure a place
in a strolling band, consisting of a harp and a cornet, but I have
conscientious scruples against earnings gained at the doors of a
public-house.
_Chairman_. Certainly. Besides, I fancy you make too light of the
difficulties of securing such a position. A Witness, who gave very
much the same evidence as yourself, declared it was impossible to gain
admission even to a German Band. But you have learned drawing?
_Witness_. Yes; but I find the accomplishment valueless as a
bread-winner. I would do pastels on the flag-stones were not the
supply of artists in this particular line greatly in excess of the
demand. Besides, the police move them on.
_Chairman_. Well, my lad, what can you do for yourself?
_Witness_. Nothing; and consequently, my Lord and Gentlemen, I hope
you will do something for me.
_Chairman_ (_after consultation with his colleagues_). As you have
been educated up to a point rendering you valueless at fourteen,
we shall have much pleasure in recommending that your studies be
continued until your education will be equally valueless at nineteen.
If this scheme does nothing else, it will keep you employed for the
next five years! [_Scene closes in upon the Report._
* * * * *
[Illustration: A SCIENTIFIC CENTENARY.]
_Faraday_ (_returned_). "WELL, MISS SCIENCE, I HEARTILY CONGRATULATE
YOU; YOU HAVE MADE MARVELLOUS PROGRESS SINCE MY TIME!"]
* * * * *