husband is so like mine----
_Flip._ Phu, there's a scruple, indeed. Pray, Madam, don't be so
squeamish; tho' the meat be a little flat, we'll find you savoury sauce
to it.
_Clar._ This wench is so mad.
_Flip._ Why, what in the name of _Lucifer_, is it you have to do,
that's so terrible?
_Brass._ A civil look only.
_Aram._ There's no great harm in that.
_Flip._ An obliging word.
_Clar._ That one may afford 'em.
_Brass._ A little smile, _a propos_.
_Aram._ That's but giving one's self an air.
_Flip._ Receive a little letter, perhaps.
_Clar._ Women of quality do that from fifty odious fellows.
_Brass._ Suffer, may be, a squeeze by the hand.
_Aram._ One's so us'd to that, one does not feel it.
_Flip._ Or if a kiss wou'd do't?
_Clar._ I'd die first.
_Brass._ Indeed, ladies, I doubt 'twill be necessary to--
_Clar._ Get their wretched money without paying so dear for it.
_Flip._ Well, just as you please for that, my ladies: But I suppose
you'll play upon the square with your favours, and not pique yourselves
upon being one more grateful than another.
_Brass._ And state a fair account of receipts and disbursements.
_Aram._ That I think should be, indeed.
_Clar._ With all my heart, and _Brass_ shall be our book-keeper. So get
thee to work, man, as fast as thou canst: but not a word of all this to
my master.
_Brass._ I'll observe my orders, Madam.
[_Exit ~Brass~._
_Clar._ I'll have the pleasure of telling him myself; he'll be
violently delighted with it: 'tis the best man in the world,
_Araminta_; he'll bring us rare company to-morrow, all sorts of
gamesters; and thou shalt see my husband will be such a beast to be out
of humour at it.
_Aram._ The monster----But hush, here's my dear approaching; pr'ythee
let's leave him to _Flippanta_.
_Flip._ Ah, pray do, I'll bring you a good account of him, I'll warrant
you.
_Clar._ Dispatch then, for the basset-table's in haste.
[_Exit ~Clar.~ and ~Aram.~_
_~Flippanta~ sola._
So, now have at him; here he comes: We'll try if we can pillage the
usurer, as he does other folks.
_Enter ~Money-trap~._
_Mon._ Well, my pretty _Flippanta_, is thy mistress come home?
_Flip._ Yes, Sir.
_Mon._ And where is she, pr'ythee?
_Flip._ Gone abroad, Sir.
_Mon._ How dost mean?
_Flip._ I mean right, Sir; my lady'll come home and go abroad ten times
in an hour, when she's either in very good humour, or very bad.
_Mon._ Good lack! But I'll warrant, in general, 'tis her naughty
husband that makes her house uneasy to her. But hast thou said a little
something to her, chicken, for an expiring lover? ha!
_Flip._ Said----yes, I have said, much good may it do me.
_Mon._ Well! and how?
_Flip._ And how!----And how do you think you would have me do't? And
you have such a way with you, one can refuse you nothing. But I have
brought myself into a fine business by it.
_Mon._ Good lack:----But, I hope, _Flippanta_--
_Flip._ Yes, your hopes will do much, when I am turn'd out of doors.
_Mon._ Was she then terrible angry?
_Flip._ Oh! had you seen how she flew, when she saw where I was
pointing; for you must know I went round the bush and round the bush,
before I came to the matter.
_Mon._ Nay, 'tis a ticklish point, that must be own'd.
_Flip._ On my word is it----I mean where a lady's truly virtuous; for
that's our case you must know.
_Mon._ A very dangerous case indeed.
_Flip._ But I can tell you one thing----she has an inclination to you.
_Mon._ Is it possible!
_Flip._ Yes, and I told her so at last.
_Mon._ Well, and what did she answer thee?
_Flip._ Slap----and bid me bring it you for a token.
[_Giving him a slap on the face._
_Mon._ And you have lost none on't by the way, with a pox t'ye.
[_Aside._
_Flip._ Now this, I think, looks the best in the world.
_Mon._ Yea, but really it feels a little oddly.
_Flip._ Why, you must know, ladies have different ways of expressing
their kindness, according to the humour they are in: if she had been in
a good one, it had been a kiss; but as long as she sent you something,
your affairs go well.
_Mon._ Why, truly, I am a little ignorant in the mysterious parts of
love, so I must be guided by thee. But pr'ythee take her in a good
humour next token she sends me.
_Flip._ Ah----good humour?
_Mon._ What's the matter?
_Flip._ Poor lady!
_Man._ Ha!
_Flip._ If I durst tell you all----
_Mon._ What then?
_Flip._ You would not expect to see her in one a good while.
_Mon._ Why, I pray?
_Flip._ I must own I did take an unseasonable time to talk of
love-matters to her.
_Mon._ Why, what's the matter?
_Flip._ Nothing.
_Mon._ Nay, pr'ythee tell me.
_Flip._ I dare not.
_Mon._ You must indeed.
_Flip._ Why, when women are in difficulties, how can they think of
pleasure?
_Mon._ Why, what difficulties can she be in?
_Flip._ Nay, I do but guess after all; for she has that grandeur of
soul, she'd die before she'd tell.
_Mon._ But what dost thou suspect?
_Flip._ Why, what should one suspect, where a husband loves nothing but
getting of money, and a wife nothing but spending on't?
_Mon._ So she wants that same, then?
_Flip._ I say no such thing, I know nothing of the matter; pray make no
wrong interpretation of what I say, my Lady wants nothing that I know
of. 'Tis true----she has had ill luck at cards of late, I believe she
has not won once this month: but what of that?
_Mon._ Ha!
_Flip._ 'Tis true, I know her spirit's that she'd see her husband
hanged before she'd ask him for a farthing.
_Mon._ Ha!
_Flip._ And then I know him again, he'd see her drown'd before he'd
give her a farthing; but that's a help to your affair, you know.
_Mon._ 'Tis so, indeed.
_Flip._ Ah----well, I'll say nothing; but if she had none of these
things to fret her----
_Mon._ Why really, _Flippanta_----
_Flip._ I know what you are going to say now; you are going to offer
your service, but 'twon't do; you have a mind to play the gallant now,
but it must not be; you want to be shewing your liberality, but 'twon't
be allowed; you'll be pressing me to offer it, and she'll be in a rage.
We shall have the Devil to do.
_Mon._ You mistake me, _Flippanta_, I was only going to say----
_Flip._ Ay, I know what you were going to say well enough; but
I tell you it will never do so. If one cou'd find out some way
now----ay----let me see----
_Mon._ Indeed I hope----
_Flip._ Pray be quiet----no----but I'm thinking----hum----she'll smoke
that tho'----let us consider--If one you'd find a way to----'Tis the
nicest point in the world to bring about, she'll never touch it, if she
knows from whence it comes.
_Mon._ Shall I try if I can reason her husband out of twenty pounds, to
make her easy the rest of her life?
_Flip._ Twenty pounds, man?----why you shall see her set that upon a
card. O----she has a great soul.----Besides, if her husband should
oblige her, it might, in time, take off her aversion to him, and by
consequence, her inclination to you. No, no, it must never come that
way.
_Mon._ What shall we do then?
_Flip._ Hold still----I have it. I'll tell you what you shall do.
_Mon._ Ay.
_Flip._ You shall make her a restitution of two hundred pounds.
_Mon._ Ha! Restitution!
_Flip._ Yes, yes, 'tis the luckiest thought in the world; Madam often
plays, you know, and folks who do so, meet now and then with sharpers.
Now you shall be a sharper.
_Mon._ A sharper!
_Flip._ Ay, ay, a sharper; and having cheated her of two hundred
pounds, shall be troubled in mind, and send it her back again. You
comprehend me?
_Mon._ Yes, I comprehend, but a----won't she suspect if it be so much?
_Flip._ No, no, the more the better.
_Mon._ Two hundred pounds!
_Flip._ Yes, two hundred pounds----Or let me see----so even a sum may
look a little suspicious----ay----let it be two hundred and thirty;
that odd thirty will make it look so natural, the devil won't find it
out.
_Mon._ Ha!
_Flip._ Pounds, too, look I don't know how; guineas I fancy were
better----ay, guineas, it shall be guineas. You are of that mind, are
you not?
_Mon._ Um----a guinea, you know, _Flippanta_, is--
_Flip._ A thousand times genteeler, you are certainly in the right
on't; it shall be as you say, two hundred and thirty guineas.
_Mon._ Ho----well, if it must be guineas, let's see, two hundred
guineas.
_Flip._ And thirty; two hundred and thirty: If you mistake the sum, you
spoil all. So go put them in a purse, while it's fresh in your head,
and send 'em to me with a penitential letter, desiring I'll do you the
favour to restore them to her.
_Mon._ Two hundred and thirty pounds in a bag!
_Flip._ Guineas, I say, guineas.
_Mon._ Ay, guineas, that's true. But _Flippanta_, if she don't know
they come from me, then I give my money for nothing, you know.
_Flip._ Phu, leave that to me, I'll manage the flock for you; I'll make
it produce something I'll warrant you.
_Mon._ Well, _Flippanta_, 'tis a great sum indeed; but I'll go try what
I can do for her. You say, two hundred guineas in a purse?
_Flip._ And thirty; if the man's in his senses.
_Mon._ And thirty, 'tis true, I always forget that thirty.
[_Exit ~Money-trap~._
_Flip._ So, get thee gone, thou art a rare fellow, i'faith.
Brass!----it's thee, is't not?
_Enter ~Brass~._
_Brass._ It is, Huswife. How go matters? I staid till thy gentleman was
gone. Hast done any thing towards our common purse?
_Flip._ I think I have; he's going to make us a restitution of two or
three hundred pounds.
_Brass._ A restitution!----good.
_Flip._ A new way, sirrah, to make a lady take a present without
putting her to the blush.
_Brass._ 'Tis very well, mighty well indeed. Pr'ythee where's thy
master? let me try if I can perswade him to be troubled in mind too.
_Flip._ Not so hasty; he's gone into his closet to prepare himself for
a quarrel, I have advis'd him to----with his wife.
_Brass._ What to do?
_Flip._ Why to make her stay at home, now she has resolved to do it
beforehand. You must know, sirrah, we intend to make a merit of our
basset table, and get a good pretence for the merry companions we
intend to fill his house with.
_Brass._ Very nicely spun, truly, thy husband will be a happy man.
_Flip._ Hold your tongue, you fool you. See here comes your master.
_Brass._ He's welcome.
_Enter ~Dick~._
_Dick._ My dear _Flippanta_! how many thanks have I to pay thee?
_Flip._ Do you like her style?
_Dick._ The kindest little rogue! there's nothing but she gives me
leave to hope. I am the happiest man the world has in its care.
_Flip._ Not so happy as you think for neither, perhaps; you have a
rival, Sir, I can tell you that.
_Dick._ A rival!
_Flip._ Yes, and a dangerous one too.
_Dick._ Who in the name of terror?
_Flip._ A devilish fellow, one Mr. _Amlet_.
_Dick._ _Amlet_! I know no such man.
_Flip._ You know the man's mother tho'; you met her here, and are in
her favour, I can tell you. If he worst you, in your mistress, you
shall e'en marry her and disinherit him.
_Dick._ If I have no other rival but Mr. _Amlet_, I believe I shan't be
disturb'd in my amour. But can't I see _Corinna_?
_Flip._ I don't know, she has always some of her masters with her: but
I'll go and see if she can spare you a moment, and bring you word.
[_Exit ~Flippanta~._
_Dick._ I wish my old hobbling mother han't been blabbing something
here she should not do.
_Brass._ Fear nothing, all's safe on that side yet. But, how speaks
young mistress's epistle? soft and tender?
_Dick._ As pen can write.
_Brass._ So you think all goes well there?
_Dick._ As my heart can wish.
_Brass._ You are sure on't?
_Dick._ Sure on't!
_Brass._ Why then, ceremony aside, [_Putting on his hat._] You and I
must have a little talk, Mr. _Amlet_.
_Dick._ Ah, _Brass_, what art thou going to do? Wou't ruin me?
_Brass._ Look you, _Dick_, few words; you are in a smooth way of making
your fortune. I hope all will roll on. But how do you intend matters
shall pass 'twixt you and me in this business?
_Dick._ Death and Furies! What a time dost take to talk on't?
_Brass._ Good words, or I betray you; they have already heard of one
Mr. _Amlet_ in the house.
_Dick._ Here's a son of a whore!
[_Aside._
_Brass._ In short, look smooth, and be a good prince: I am your valet,
'tis true: your footman sometimes, which I'm enrag'd at; but you have
always had the ascendant, I confess: when we were school-fellows, you
made me carry your books, make your exercise, own your rogueries, and
sometimes take a whipping for you. When we were fellow-prentices,
tho' I was your senior, you made me open the shop, clean my master's
shoes, cut last at dinner, and eat all the crust. In our sins too, I
must own you still kept me under; you soar'd up to adultery with our
mistress, while I was at humble fornication with the maid. Nay, in our
punishments you still made good your post: for when once upon a time I
was sentenced but to be whipp'd, I cannot deny but you were condemn'd
to be hang'd. So that in all times, I must confess, your inclinations
have been greater and nobler than mine; however, I cannot consent that
you shou'd at once fix fortune for life, and I dwell in my humilities
for the rest of my days.
_Dick._ Hark thee, _Brass_, if I do not most nobly by thee, I'm a dog.
_Brass._ And when?
_Dick._ As soon as ever I am married.
_Brass._ Ah, the pox take thee.
_Dick._ Then you mistrust me?
_Brass._ I do by my faith. Look you, Sir, some folks we mistrust,
because we don't know them; others we mistrust, because we do know
them: and for one of these reasons I desire there may be a bargain
beforehand: If not [_Raising his voice._] look ye _Dick Amlet_----
_Dick._ Soft, my dear friend and companion. The dog will ruin me.
[_Aside._] Say, what is't will content thee?
_Brass._ O ho!
_Dick._ But how canst thou be such a barbarian?
_Brass._ I learnt it at _Algiers_.
_Dick._ Come, make thy _Turkish_ demand then.
_Brass._ You know you gave me a bank-bill this morning to receive for
you.
_Dick._ I did so, of fifty pounds, 'tis thine. So, now thou are
satisfy'd, all's fix'd.
_Brass._ It is not indeed. There's a diamond necklace you robb'd your
mother of ev'n now.
_Dick._ Ah, you _Jew_.
_Brass._ No words.
_Dick._ My dear _Brass_!
_Brass._ I insist.
_Dick._ My old friend.
_Brass._ _Dick Amlet_ [_Raising his voice._] I insist.
_Dick._ Ah the Cormorant----Well, 'tis thine: but thou'lt never thrive
with it.
_Brass._ When I find it begins to do me mischief, I'll give it you
again. But I must have a wedding-suit.
_Dick._ Well.
_Brass._ Some good lace.
_Dick._ Thou shalt.
_Brass._ A stock of linen.
_Dick._ Enough.
_Brass._ Not yet----a silver sword.
_Dick._ Well, thou shalt have that too. Now thou hast every thing.
_Brass._ God forgive me, I forgot a ring of remembrance; I wou'd not
forget all these favours for the world: a sparkling diamond I will be
always playing in my eye, and put me in mind of them.
_Dick._ This unconscionable rogue! [_Aside._] Well, I'll bespeak one
for thee.
_Brass._ Brilliant.
_Dick._ It shall. But if the thing don't succeed after all?----
_Brass._ I'm a man of honour, and restore: and so the treaty being
finish'd, I strike my flag of defiance, and fall into my respects again.
[_Taking off his hat._
_Enter ~Flippanta~._
_Flip._ I have made you wait a little, but I cou'd not help it, her
master is but just gone. He has been shewing her Prince _Eugene_'s
march into _Italy_.
_Dick._ Pr'ythee let me come to her, I'll shew her a part of the world
he has never shewn her yet.
_Flip._ So I told her, you must know; and she said, she cou'd like to
travel in good company: so if you'll slip up those back-stairs, you
shall try if you can agree upon the journey.
_Dick._ My dear _Flippanta_!
_Flip._ None of your dear acknowledgments, I beseech you, but up stairs
as hard as you can drive.
_Dick._ I'm gone.
[_Exit ~Dick~._
_Flip._ And do you follow him _Jack-a-dandy_, and see he is not
surpriz'd.
_Brass._ I thought that was your post, Mrs. _Useful_: But if you'll
come and keep me in humour, I don't care if I share the duty with you.
_Flip._ No words, sirrah, but follow him, I have somewhat else to do.
_Brass._ The jade's so absolute there's no contesting with her. One
kiss tho' to keep the centinel warm. [_Gives her a long kiss._]----So.
[_Exit ~Brass~._
_~Flippanta~ sola._
----A nasty rogue [_Wiping her mouth._] But, let me see what have I to
do now? This _restitution_ will be here quickly, I suppose; in the mean
time I'll go know if my lady's ready for the quarrel yet. Master yonder
is so full on't, he's ready to burst; but we'll give him vent by and by
with a witness.
[_Exit ~Flip~._
+ACT+ IV.
+SCENE+, Gripe's _House_.
_Enter ~Corinna~, ~Dick~, and ~Brass~._
_Brass._ Don't fear, I'll give you timely notice.
[_Goes to the door._
_Dick._ Come, you must consent, you shall consent. How can you leave me
thus upon the rack? a man who loves you to that excess that I do.
_Cor._ Nay, that you love me, Sir, that I'm satisfy'd in, for you have
sworn you do: And I'm so pleas'd with it, I'd fain have you do so as
long as you live, so we must never marry.
_Dick._ Not marry, my dear! why what's our love good for if we don't
marry!
_Cor._ Ah----I'm afraid 'twill be good for little if we do.
_Dick._ Why do you think so?
_Cor._ Because I hear my father and mother, and my uncle and aunt, and
_Araminta_ and her husband, and twenty other married folks, say so from
morning to night.
_Dick._ Oh, that's because they are bad husbands and bad wives; but in
our case there will be a good husband and a good wife, and so we shall
love for ever.
_Cor._ Why there may be something in that truly; and I'm always willing
to hear reason, as a reasonable young woman ought to do. But are you
sure, Sir, tho' we are very good now, we shall be so when we come to be
better acquainted?
_Dick._ I can answer for myself, at least.
_Cor._ I wish you cou'd answer for me too. You see I am a plain-dealer,
Sir, I hope you don't like me the worse for it.
_Dick._ O, by no means, 'tis a sign of admirable morals; and I hope,
since you practise it yourself, you'll approve of it in your lover.
In one word, therefore, (for 'tis in vain to mince the matter) my
resolution's fix'd, and the world can't stagger me, I marry----or I die.
_Cor._ Indeed, Sir, I have much ado to believe you; the disease of love
is seldom so violent.
_Dick._ Madam, I have two diseases to end my miseries; If the first
don't do't, the latter shall; [_Drawing his sword._] one's in my heart,
t'other's in my scabbard.
_Cor._ Not for a diadem, [_Catching hold of him._] Ah, put it up, put
it up.
_Dick._ How absolute is your command! [_Dropping his sword._] A word,
you see, disarms me.
_Cor._ What a power I have over him! [_Aside._] The wondrous deeds of
love!----Pray, Sir, let me have no more of these rash doings tho';
perhaps I mayn't be always in the saving humour----I'm sure if I had
let him stick himself, I should have been envy'd by all the great
ladies in the town.
[_Aside._
_Dick._ Well, madam, have I then your promise? you'll make me the
happiest of mankind.
_Cor._ I don't know what to say to you; but I believe I had as good
promise, for I find I shall certainly do't.
_Dick._ Then let us seal the contract thus.
[_Kisses her._
_Cor._ Um----he has almost taken away my breath: He kisses purely.
[_Aside._
_Dick._ Hark----somebody comes.
[_~Brass~ peeping in._
_Brass._ Gar there, the enemy----no, hold y'are safe, 'tis _Flippanta_.
_Enter ~Flippanta~._
_Flip._ Come, have you agreed the matter? If not, you must end it
another time, for your father's in motion, so pray kiss and part.
_Cor._ That's sweet and sour. [_They kiss._] Adieu t'ye, Sir.
[_Exit ~Dick~ and ~Cor~._
_Enter ~Clarissa~._
_Clar._ Have you told him I'm at home, _Flippanta_?
_Flip._ Yes, Madam.
_Clar._ And that I'll see him?
_Flip._ Yes, that too: But here's news for you; I have just now
receiv'd the restitution.
_Clar._ That's killing pleasure: and how much has he restor'd me?
_Flip._ Two hundred and thirty.
_Clar._ Wretched rogue! but retreat, your Master's coming to quarrel.
_Flip._ I'll be within call, if things run high.
[_Ex. ~Flip~._
_Enter ~Gripe~._
_Gripe._ O ho!----are you there, i'faith? Madam, your humble servant,
I'm very glad to see you at home. I thought I should never have had
that honour again.
_Clar._ Good-morrow, my dear, how d'ye do? _Flippanta_ says you are
out of humour, and that you have a mind to quarrel with me: Is it
true? ha!----I have a terrible pain in my head, I give you notice on't
beforehand.
_Gripe._ And how the pox shou'd it be otherwise? It's a wonder you are
not dead [_~as a' wou'd you were~, Aside._] with the life you lead. Are
you not ashamed? And do you not blush to----
_Clar._ My dear child, you crack my brain; soften the harshness of your
voice: say what thou wou't, but let it be in an agreeable tone----
_Gripe._ Tone, Madam, don't tell me of a tone----
_Clar._ O----if you will quarrel, do it with temperance; let it be all
in cool blood, even and smooth, as if you were not moved with what you
said; and then I'll hear you as if I were not mov'd with it neither.
_Gripe._ Had ever man such need of patience? Madam, Madam, I must tell
you, Madam----
_Clar._ Another key, or I'll walk off.
_Gripe._ Don't provoke me.
_Clar._ Shall you be long, my dear, in your remonstrances?
_Gripe._ Yes, Madam, and very long.
_Clar._ If you would quarrel _en abrêgé_, I shou'd have a world of
obligation to you.
_Gripe._ What I have to say, forsooth, is not to be expressed _en
abrêgé_, my complaints are too numerous.
_Clar._ Complaints! of what my dear? have I ever given you subject of
complaint, my life?
_Gripe._ O Pox! my dear and my life! I desire none of your _tendres_.
_Clar._ How! find fault with my kindness, and my expressions of
affection and respect! the world will guess by this what the rest of
your complaints may be. I must tell you, I am scandaliz'd at your
procedure.
_Gripe._ I must tell you I am running mad with yours.
_Clar._ Ah! how insupportable are the humours of some husbands, so full
of fancies, and so ungovernable: What have you in the world to disturb
you?
_Gripe._ What have I to disturb me! I have you, Death and the Devil.
_Clar._ Ah, merciful heaven! how he swears! You should never accustom
yourself to such words as these; indeed, my dear, you shou'd not; your
mouth's always full of them.
_Gripe._ Blood and thunder! Madam----
_Clar._ Ah, he'll fetch the house down: Do you know you make me tremble
for you? _Flippanta_! who's there? _Flippanta_!
_Gripe._ Here's a provoking devil for you!
_Enter ~Flippanta~._
_Flip._ What in the name of _Jove_'s the matter? you raise the
neighbourhood.
_Clar._ Why here's your master in a most violent fuss, and no mortal
soul can tell for what.
_Gripe._ Not tell for what!
_Clar._ No, my life. I have begged him to tell me his griefs,
_Flippanta_; and then he swears, good Lord! how he does swear.
_Gripe._ Ah, you wicked jade! Ah, you wicked jade!
_Clar._ Do you hear him _Flippanta_! do you hear him!
_Flip._ Pray, Sir, let's know a little what puts you in all this fury?
_Clar._ Pr'ythee stand near me, _Flippanta_, there's an odd froth about
his mouth, looks as if his poor head were going wrong, I'm afraid he'll
bite.
_Gripe._ The wicked woman, _Flippanta_, the wicked woman.
_Clar._ Can any body wonder I shun my own house, when he treats me at
this rate in it?
_Gripe._ At this rate! why in the devil's name----
_Clar._ Do you hear him again?
_Flip._ Come, a little moderation, Sir, and try what that will produce.
_Gripe._ Hang her, 'tis all a pretence to justify her going abroad.
_Clar._ A pretence! a pretence! Do you hear how black a charge he loads
me with? Charges me with a pretence? Is this the return for all my
downright open actions? You know, my dear, I scorn pretences: Whenever
I go abroad, it is without pretence.
_Gripe._ Give me patience.
_Flip._ You have a great deal, Sir.
_Clar._ And yet he's never content, _Flippanta_.
_Gripe._ What shall I do?
_Clar._ What a reasonable man wou'd do; own your self in the wrong, and
be quiet. Here's _Flippanta_ has understanding, and I have moderation;
I'm willing to make her judge of our differences.
_Flip._ You do me a great deal of honour, Madam: but I tell you
beforehand, I shall be a little on Master's side.
_Gripe._ Right, _Flippanta_ has sense. Come, let her decide. Have I not
reason to be in a passion? tell me that.
_Clar._ You must tell her for what, my life.
_Gripe._ Why, for the trade you drive, my soul.
_Flip._ Look you, Sir, pray take things right. I know Madam does fret
you a little now and then, that's true; but in the fund, she is the
softest, sweetest, gentlest lady breathing: let her but live entirely
to her own fancy, and she'll never say a word to you from morning to
night.
_Gripe._ Oons, let her but stay at home, and she shall do what she
will: in reason, that is.
_Flip._ D'ye hear that, Madam? nay, now I must be on master's side; you
see how he loves you, he desires only your company, pray give him that
satisfaction, or I must pronounce against you.
_Clar._ Well, I agree. Thou know'st I don't love to grieve him: let him
be always in good humour, and I'll be always at home.
_Flip._ Look you there, Sir, what would you have more?
_Gripe._ Well, let her keep her word, and I'll have done quarrelling.
_Clar._ I must not, however, so far lose the merit of my consent, as to
let you think I'm weary of going abroad, my dear: what I do is purely
to oblige you; which, that I may be able to perform, without a relapse,
I'll invent what ways I can to make my prison supportable to me.
_Flip._ Her prison! pretty bird! her prison! do'nt that word melt you,
Sir?
_Gripe._ I must confess I did not expect to find her so reasonable.
_Flip._ O, Sir, soon or late wives come into good humour: husbands must
only have a little patience to wait for it.
_Clar._ The innocent little diversions, dear, that I shall content
myself with, will be chiefly play and company.
_Gripe._ O, I'll find you employment, your time shan't lie upon your
hands, tho' if you have a mind now for such a companion as a----let me
see----_Araminta_ for example, why I shan't be against her being with
you from morning till nigh.
_Clar._ You can't oblige me more, 'tis the best woman in the world.
_Gripe._ Is not she?
_Flip._ Ah, the old satyr!
[_Aside._
_Gripe._ Then we'll have, besides her, may be sometimes----her husband;
and we shall see my niece that writes verses, and my sister _Fidget_:
with her husband's brother that's always merry; and his little cousin
that's to marry the fat curate; and my uncle the apothecary, with his
wife and all his children. O we shall divert ourselves rarely.
_Flip._ Good.
[_Aside._
_Clar._ O, for that, my dear child, I must be plain with you, I'll see
none of them but _Araminta_, who has the manners of the court; for I'll
converse with none but women of quality.
_Gripe._ Ay, ay, they shall all have one quality or other.
_Clar._ Then, my dear, to make our home pleasant, we'll have consorts
of music sometimes.
_Gripe._ Music in my house!
_Clar._ Yes, my child, we must have music or the house will be so dull
I shall get the spleen, and be going abroad again.
_Flip._ Nay, she has so much complaisance for you, Sir, you can't
dispute such things with her.
_Gripe._ Ay, but if I have music----
_Clar._ Ay, but Sir, I must have music----
_Flip._ Not every day, Madam don't mean.
_Clar._ No, bless me, no; but three consorts a week: three days more
we'll play after dinner at _Ombre_, _Picquet_, _Basset_, and so forth,
and close the evening with a handsome supper and a ball.
_Gripe._ A ball!
_Clar._ Then, my love, you know there is but one day more upon our
hands, and that shall be the day of conversation, we'll read verses,
talk of books, invent modes, tell lyes, scandalize our friends, be
pert upon religion; and in short, employ every moment of it in some
pretty witty exercise or other.
_Flip._ What order you see 'tis she proposes to live in! A most
wonderful regularity!
_Gripe._ Regularity with a pox----
[_Aside._
_Clar._ And as this kind of life, so soft, so smooth, so agreeable,
must needs invite a vast deal of company to partake of it, 'twill be
necessary to have the decency of a porter at our door, you know.
_Gripe._ A porter----A scrivener have a porter, Madam!
_Clar._ Positively a porter.
_Gripe._ Why no scrivener since _Adam_ ever had a porter, woman!
_Clar._ You will therefore be renown'd in story, for having the first,
my life.
_Gripe._ _Flippanta_.
_Flip._ Hang it, Sir, never dispute a trifle; if you vex her, perhaps
she'll insist upon a Swiss.
[_Aside to ~Gripe~._
_Gripe._ But, Madam----
_Clar._ But, Sir, a porter, positively a porter; without that the
treaty's null, and I go abroad this moment.
_Flip._ Come, Sir, never lose so advantageous a peace for a pitiful
porter.
_Gripe._ Why, I shall be hooted at, the boys will throw stones at my
porter. Besides, where shall I have money for all this expence?
_Clar._ My dear, who asks you for any? Don't be in a fright, chicken.
_Gripe._ Don't be in a fright, Madam! But where I say----
_Flip._ Madam plays, Sir, think on that; women that play have
inexhaustible mines, and wives who receive least money from their
husbands, are many times those who spend the most.
_Clar._ So, my dear, let what _Flippanta_ says content you. Go, my
life, trouble yourself with nothing, but let me do just as I please,
and all will be well. I'm going into my closet, to consider of some
more things to enable me to give you the pleasure of my company at
home, without making it too great a misery to a yielding wife.
[_Exit ~Clarissa~._
_Flip._ Mirror of goodness! Pattern to all wives! well sure, Sir, you
are the happiest of all husbands.
_Gripe._ Yes----and a miserable dog for all that too, perhaps.
_Flip._ Why, what can you ask more, than this matchless complaisance?
_Gripe._ I don't know what I can ask, and yet I'm not satisfy'd with
what I have neither, the devil mixes in it all, I think; complaisant or
perverse, it feels just as it did.
_Flip._ Why then your uneasiness is only a disease, Sir, perhaps a
little bleeding and purging wou'd relieve you.
_Clar._ _Flippanta_?
[_~Clarissa~ calls within._
_Flip._ Madam calls. I come, Madam. Come, be merry, be merry, Sir, you
have cause, take my word for't. Poor devil.
[_Aside._]
[_Exit ~Flippanta~._
_Gripe._ I don't know that, I don't know that: But this I do know, that
an honest man, who has marry'd a jade, whether she's pleas'd to spend
her time at home or abroad, had better have liv'd a batchelor.
_Enter ~Brass~._
_Brass._ O, Sir, I'm mighty glad I have found you.
_Gripe._ Why, what's the matter, pr'ythee?
_Brass._ Can no body hear us?
_Gripe._ No, no, speak quickly.
_Brass._ You han't seen _Araminta_, since the last letter I carry'd her
from you?
_Gripe._ Not I, I go prudently; I don't press things like your young
firebrand lovers.
_Brass._ But seriously, Sir, are you very much in love with her?
_Gripe._ As mortal man has been.
_Brass._ I'm sorry for't.
_Gripe._ Why so, dear _Brass_?
_Brass._ If you were never to see her more now? Suppose such a thing,
d'ye think 'twou'd break your heart?
_Gripe._ Oh!
_Brass._ Nay, now I see you love her; wou'd you did not.
_Gripe._ My dear friend.
_Brass._ I'm in your interest deep: you see it.
_Gripe._ I do: but speak, what miserable story hast thou for me?
_Brass._ I had rather the devil had, phu----flown away with you quick,
than to see you so much in love, as I perceive you are, since----
_Gripe._ Since what?----ho.
_Brass._ _Araminta_, Sir.
_Gripe._ Dead?
_Brass._ No.
_Gripe._ How then?
_Brass._ Worse.
_Gripe._ Out with't.
_Brass._ Broke.
_Gripe._ Broke!
_Brass._ She is, poor lady, in a most unfortunate situation of affairs.
But I have said too much.
_Gripe._ No, no, 'tis very sad, but let's hear it.
_Brass._ Sir, she charg'd me on my life never to mention it to you, of
all men living.
_Gripe._ Why, who should'st thou tell it to, but to the best of her
friends?
_Brass._ Ay, why there's it now, it's going just as I fancy'd. Now
will I be hang'd if you are not enough in love to be engaging in this
matter. But I must tell you, Sir, that as much concern as I have for
that most excellent, beautiful, agreeable, distress'd, unfortunate
lady, I'm too much your friend and servant, ever to let it be said,
'twas the means of your being ruin'd for a woman----by letting you know
she esteem'd you more than any other man upon earth.
_Gripe._ Ruin'd! what dost thou mean?
_Brass._ Mean! Why! I mean that women always ruin those that love 'em,
that's the rule.
_Gripe._ The rule!
_Brass._ Yes, the rule; why wou'd you have them ruin those that don't?
How shall they bring that about?
_Gripe._ But is there a necessity then, they shou'd ruin somebody?
_Brass._ Yes, marry is there; how wou'd you have 'em support their
expence else? Why, Sir, you can't conceive now----you can't conceive
what _Araminta_'s privy-purse requires. Only her privy purse, Sir! Why,
what do you imagine now she gave me for the last letter I carry'd her
from you? 'Tis true, 'twas from a man she lik'd, else, perhaps, I had
had my bones broke. But what do you think she gave me?
_Gripe._ Why, mayhap----a shilling.
_Brass._ A guinea, Sir, a guinea. You see by that how fond she was
on't, by the bye. But then, Sir, her coach-hire; her chair-hire, her
pin-money, her play-money, her china, and her charity----wou'd consume
peers: A great soul, a very great soul! but what's the end of all this?
_Gripe._ Ha!
_Brass._ Why, I'll tell you what the end is----a nunnery.
_Gripe._ A nunnery!
_Brass._ A nunnery.----In short she is at last reduc'd to that
extremity, and attack'd with such a battalion of duns, that rather than
tell her husband (who you know is such a dog, he'd let her go if she
did) she has e'en determin'd to turn papist, and bid the world adieu
for life.
_Gripe._ O terrible! a papist!
_Brass._ Yes, when a handsome woman has brought herself into
difficulties, the devil can't help her out of----To a nunnery, that's
another rule, Sir.
_Gripe._ But, but, but, pr'ythee _Brass_, but----
_Brass._ But all the buts in the world, Sir, won't stop her: she's a
woman of a noble resolution. So, Sir, your humble servant; I pity her,
I pity you. Turtle and mate; but the Fates will have it so, all's packt
up, and I'm now going to call her a coach, for she resolves to slip
off without saying a word: and the next visit she receives from her
friends, will be through a melancholy grate, with a veil instead of a
top-knot.
[_Going._
_Gripe._ It must not be, by the Powers it must not; she was made for
the world, and the world was made for her.
_Brass._ And yet you see, Sir, how small a share she has on't.
_Gripe._ Poor woman! Is there no way to save her?
_Brass._ Save her! No, how can she be saved? why she owes above five
hundred pounds.
_Gripe._ Oh!
_Brass._ Five hundred pounds, Sir; she's like to be sav'd
indeed.----Not but that I know them in this town wou'd give me one of
the five, if I wou'd persuade her to accept of th' other four: but she
has forbid me mentioning it to any soul living; and I have disobey'd
her only to you; and so--I'll go and call a coach.
_Gripe._ Hold!----dost think, my poor _Brass_, one might not order it
so, as to compound those debts for----for----twelve pence in the pound?
_Brass._ Sir, d'ye hear? I have already try'd 'em with ten shillings,
and not a rogue will prick up his ear at it. Tho' after all, for three
hundred pounds all in glittering gold, I could set their chaps a
watering. But where's that to be had with honour? there's the thing,
Sir,----I'll go and call a coach.
_Gripe._ Hold, once more: I have a note in my closet of two hundred,
ay----and fifty, I'll go and give it her myself.
_Brass._ You will; very genteel, truly. Go slap-dash, and offer a woman
of her scruples, money! bolt in her face: Why, you might as well offer
her a scorpion, and she'd as soon touch it.
_Gripe._ Shall I carry it to her creditors then, and treat with them?
_Brass._ Ay, that's a rare thought.
_Gripe._ Is not it, _Brass_?
_Brass._ Only one little inconvenience by the way.
_Gripe._ As how?
_Brass._ That they are your wife's creditors as well as hers; and
perhaps it might not be altogether so well to see you clearing the
debts of your neighbour's wife, and leaving those of your own unpaid.
_Gripe._ Why that's true now.
_Brass._ I'm wise you see, Sir.
_Gripe._ Thou art; and I'm but a young lover: But what shall we do then?
_Brass._ Why I'm thinking, that if you give me the note, do you see;
and that I promise to give you an account of it----
_Gripe._ Ay, but look you, _Brass_----
_Brass._ But look you!----Why what, d'ye think I'm a pickpocket? D'ye
think I intend to run away with your note? your paltry note.
_Gripe._ I don't say so----I say only that in case----
_Brass._ Case, Sir, there is no case but the case I have put you; and
since you heap cases upon cases, where there is but three hundred
rascally pounds in the case----I'll go and call a coach.
_Gripe._ Pr'ythee don't be so testy; come, no more words, follow me to
my closet, and I'll give thee the money.
_Brass._ A terrible effort you make indeed; you are so much in love,
your wits are all upon the wing, just a going; and for three hundred
pounds you put a stop to their flight: Sir, your wits are worth that,
or your wits are worth nothing. Come away.
_Gripe._ Well, say no more, thou shalt be satisfy'd. [_Exeunt._
_Enter ~Dick~._
_Dick._ S't----_Brass_! S't----
_Re-enter ~Brass~._
_Brass._ Well, Sir!
_Dick._ 'Tis not well, Sir, 'tis very ill, Sir; we shall be all blown
up.
_Brass._ What, with pride and plenty?
_Dick._ No, Sir, with an officious slut that will spoil all. In short,
_Flippanta_ has been telling her mistress and _Araminta_ of my passion
for the young gentlewoman; and truly to oblige me (supposed no ill
match by the bye) they are resolv'd to propose it immediately to her
father.
_Brass._ That's the devil! we shall come to papers and parchments,
jointures and settlements, relations meet on both sides; that's the
devil.
_Dick._ I intended this very day to propose to _Flippanta_, the
carrying her off: and I'm sure the young houswife wou'd have tuck'd up
her coats, and have march'd.
_Brass._ Ay, with the body and the soul of her.
_Dick._ Why then, what damn'd luck is this?
_Brass._ 'Tis your damn'd luck, not mine: I have always seen it in your
ugly phiz, in spite of your powder'd perriwig----pox take ye----he'll
be hang'd at last. Why don't you try to get her off yet?
_Dick._ I have no money, you dog; you know you have stript me of every
penny.
_Brass._ Come, damn it. I'll venture one cargo more upon your rotten
bottom: But if ever I see one glance of your hempen fortune again, I'm
off of your partnership for ever----I shall never thrive with him.
_Dick._ An impudent rogue, but he's in possession of my estate, so I
must bear with him.
[_Aside._
_Brass._ Well, come, I'll raise a hundred pounds for your use, upon my
wife's jewels here; [_Pulling out the necklace._] her necklace shall
pawn for't.
_Dick._ Remember tho', that if things fail, I'm to have the necklace
again; you know you agreed to that.
_Brass._ Yes, and if I make it good, you'll be the better for't; if
not, I shall: so you see where the cause will pinch.
_Dick._ Why, you barbarous dog, you won't offer to----
_Brass._ No words now; about your business, march. Go stay for me at
the next tavern: I'll go to _Flippanta_, and try what I can do for you.
_Dick._ Well, I'll go, but don't think to----O pox, Sir----
[_Exit ~Dick~._
_~Brass~ solus._
_Brass._ Will you be gone? A pretty title you'd have to sue me
upon truly, if I shou'd have a mind to stand upon the defensive,
as perhaps I may; I have done the rascal service enough to lull my
conscience upon't I'm sure: But 'tis time enough for that. Let me
see----First I'll go to _Flippanta_, and put a stop to this family
way of match-making, then sell our necklace for what ready money
'twill produce; and by this time to-morrow I hope we shall be in
possession of----t'other jewel here; a precious jewel, as she's set in
gold: I believe for the stone itself we may part with it again to a
friend----for a tester.
[_Exit._
+ACT+ V.
+SCENE+, Gripe's _House_.
_Enter ~Brass~ and ~Flippanta~._
_Brass._ Well, you agree I'm in the right, don't you?
_Flip._ I don't know; if your master has the estate he talks of, why
not do't all above-board? Well, tho' I am not much of his mind, I'm
much in his interest, and will therefore endeavour to serve him in his
own way.
_Brass._ That's kindly said, my child, and I believe I shall reward
thee one of these days, with as pretty a fellow to thy husband for't,
as----
_Flip._ Hold your prating, Jack-a-dandy, and leave me to my business.
_Brass._ I obey--adieu. [_Kisses her._]
[_Exit ~Brass~._
_Flip._ Rascal!
_Enter ~Corinna~._
_Cor._ Ah, _Flippanta_, I'm ready to sink down, my legs tremble under
me, my dear _Flippy_.
_Flip._ And what's the affair?
_Cor._ My father's there within, with my mother and _Araminta_; I never
saw him in so good a humour in my life.
_Flip._ And is that it that frightens you so?
_Cor._ Ah, _Flippanta_, they are just going to speak to him, about my
marrying the Colonel.
_Flip._ Are they so? so much the worse; they're too hasty.
_Cor._ O no, not a bit: I slipt out on purpose, you must know, to give
them an opportunity; wou'd 'twere done already.
_Flip._ I tell you no; get you in again immediately, and prevent it.
_Cor._ My dear, dear, I am not able; I never was in such a way before.
_Flip._ Never in a way to be marry'd before, ha? is not that it?
_Cor._ Ah, Lord, if I'm thus before I come to't, _Flippanta_, what
shall I be upon the very spot? Do but feel with what a thumpaty thump
it goes.
[_Putting her hand to her heart._
_Flip._ Nay it does make a filthy bustle, that's the truth on't, child.
But I believe I shall make it leap another way, when I tell you, I'm
cruelly afraid your father won't consent, after all.
_Cor._ Why, he won't be the death of o'me, will he?
_Flip._ I don't know, old folk are cruel; but we'll have a trick for
him. _Brass_ and I have been consulting upon the matter, and agreed
upon a surer way of doing it in spite of his teeth.
_Cor._ Ay, marry, Sir, that were something.
_Flip._ But then he must not know a word of any thing towards it.
_Cor._ No, no.
_Flip._ So, get you in immediately.
_Cor._ One, two, three and away.
[_Running off._
_Flip._ And prevent your mother's speaking on't.
_Cor._ But is t'other way sure, _Flippanta_?
_Flip._ Fear nothing, 'twill only depend upon you.
_Cor._ Nay then----O ho, ho, ho, how pure that is!
[_Exit ~Corinna~._
_~Flippanta~ sola._
Poor child! we may do what we will with her, as far as marrying her
goes; when that's over, 'tis possible she mayn't prove altogether so
tractable. But who's here? my sharper, I think: yes.
_Enter ~Money-trap~._
_Mon._ Well, my best friend, how go matters? Has the restitution been
received, ha? Was she pleas'd with it?
_Flip._ Yes, truly; that is, she was pleas'd to see there was so honest
a man in this immoral age.
_Mon._ Well, but a----does she know that 'twas I that----
_Flip._ Why, you must know I begun to give her a little sort of a hint,
and----and so----why, and so she begun to put on a sort of a severe,
haughty, reserv'd, angry, forgiving air. But soft; here she comes:
you'll see how you stand with her presently: but don't be afraid.
Courage.
_Mon._ He, hem.
_Enter ~Clarissa~._
'Tis no small piece of good fortune, Madam, to find you at home: I have
often endeavour'd it in vain.
_Clar._ 'Twas then unknown to me, for if I cou'd often receive the
visits of so good a friend at home, I shou'd be more reasonably blam'd
for being so much abroad.
_Mon._ Madam, you make me----
_Clar._ You are the man of the world whose company I think is most to
be desir'd. I don't compliment you when I tell you so, I assure you.
_Mon._ Alas, Madam, your poor humble servant----
_Clar._ My poor humble servant however (with all the esteem I have for
him) stands suspected with me for a vile trick, I doubt he has play'd
me, which if I could prove upon him, I'm afraid I should punish him
very severely.
_Mon._ I hope, Madam, you'll believe I am not capable of----
_Clar._ Look you, look you, you are capable of whatever you please, you
have a great deal of wit, and know how to give a nice and gallant turn
to every thing; but if you will have me continue your friend, you must
leave me in some uncertainty in this matter.
_Mon._ Madam, I do then protest to you----
_Clar._ Come protest nothing about it, I am but too penetrating, as you
may perceive; but we sometimes shut our eyes, rather than break with
our friends; for a thorough knowledge of the truth of this business,
wou'd make me very seriously angry.
_Mon._ 'Tis very certain, Madam, that----
_Clar._ Come, say no more on't, I beseech you, for I'm in a good deal
of heat while I but think on't; if you'll walk in, I'll follow you
presently.
_Mon._ Your goodness, Madam, is----
_Flip._ War, horse.
[_Aside to ~Money-trap~._
No fine speeches, you'll spoil all.
_Mon._ Thou art a most incomparable person.
_Flip._ Nay, it goes rarely; but get you in, and I'll say a little
something to my Lady for you, while she's warm.
_Mon._ But S't, _Flippanta_, how long do'st think she may hold out?
_Flip._ Phu, not a Twelvemonth.
_Mon._ Boo.
_Flip._ Away, I say.
[_Pushing him out._
_Clar._ Is he gone? What a wretch it is! he never was quite such a
beast before.
_Flip._ Poor mortal, his money's finely laid out truly.
_Clar._ I suppose there may have been much such another scene within
between _Araminta_ and my dear: but I left him so insupportably brisk,
'tis impossible he can have parted with any money: I'm afraid _Brass_
has not succeeded as thou hast done, _Flippanta_.
_Flip._ By my faith but he has, and better too; he presents his humble
duty to _Araminta_, and has sent her----this.
[_Shewing the note._
_Clar._ A bill for my love for two hundred and fifty pounds. The
monster! he wou'd not part with ten to save his lawful wife from
everlasting torment.
_Flip._ Never complain of his avarice, Madam, as long as you have his
money.
_Clar._ But is not he a beast, _Flippanta_? methinks the restitution
look'd better by half.
_Flip._ Madam, the man's beast enough, that's certain; but which way
will you go to receive his beastly money, for I must not appear with
his note?
_Clar._ That's true; why send for Mrs. _Amlet_; that's a mighty useful
woman, that Mrs. _Amlet_.
_Flip._ Marry is she; we shou'd have been basely puzzled how to dispose
of the necklace without her, 'twould have been dangerous offering it to
sale.
_Clar._ It wou'd so, for I know your master has been laying out for't
amongst the goldsmiths. But I stay here too long. I must in and coquet
it a little more to my lover, _Araminta_ will get ground on me else.
[_Exit ~Clarissa~._
_Flip._ And I'll go send for Mrs. _Amlet_.
[_Exit ~Flip~._
+SCENE+ _opens._
_~Araminta~, ~Corinna~, ~Gripe~, and ~Money-trap~ at a tea-table,
very gay and laughing. ~Clarissa~ comes in to 'em._
_Omnes._ Ha! ha! ha! ha!
_Mon._ Mighty well, O mighty well indeed!
_Clar._ Save you, save you good folks, you are all in rare humour
methinks.
_Gripe._ Why, what shou'd we be otherwise for, Madam?
_Clar._ Nay, I don't know, not I, my dear; but I han't had the
happiness of seeing you since our honey-moon was over, I think.
_Gripe._ Why to tell you the truth, my dear, 'tis the joy of seeing you
at home; [_Kisses her._] You see what charms you have, when you are
pleased to make use of 'em.
_Aram._ Very gallant truly.
_Clar._ Nay, and what's more, you must know, he's never to be otherwise
henceforwards; we have come to an agreement about it.
_Mon._ Why, here's my love and I have been upon just such another
treaty too.
_Aram._ Well, sure there's some very peaceful star rules at present.
Pray heaven continue its reign.
_Mon._ Pray do you continue its reign, you ladies; for 'tis all in your
power.
[_Leering at ~Clarissa~._
_Gripe._ My neighbour _Money-trap_ says true at least I'll confess
frankly [_Ogling ~Araminta~._] 'tis in one lady's power to make me the
best-humour'd man on earth.
_Mon._ And I'll answer for another, that has the same over me.
[_Ogling ~Clarissa~._
_Clar._ 'Tis mighty fine, gentlemen, mighty civil husbands indeed.
_Gripe._ Nay, what I say's true, and so true, that all quarrels being
now at an end, I am willing, if you please, to dispense with all
that fine company we talk'd of to-day, be content with the friendly
conversation of our two good neighbours here, and spend all my toying
hours alone with my sweet wife.
_Mon._ Why, truly, I think now, if these good women pleas'd, we might
make up the prettiest little neighbourly company between our two
families, and set a defiance to all the impertinent people in the world.
[_Aside._
_Clar._ The rascals!
_Aram._ Indeed I doubt you'd soon grow weary, if we grew fond.
_Gripe._ Never, never, for our wives have wit, neighbour, and that
never palls.
_Clar._ And our husbands have generosity, _Araminta_, and that seldom
palls.
_Gripe._ So that's a wipe for me now, because I did not give her a
new-year's gift last time; but be good, and I'll think of some tea-cups
for you, next year.
_Mon._ And perhaps I mayn't forget a fan, or as good a thing----hum,
hussy.
_Clar._ Well, upon these encouragements, _Araminta_, we'll try how good
we can be.
_Gripe._ Well, this goes most rarely: poor _Money-trap_, he little
thinks what makes his wife so easy in his company.
[_Aside._
_Mon._ I can but pity poor neighbour _Gripe_. Lard, Lard, what a fool
does his wife and I make of him?
[_Aside._
_Clar._ Are not these two wretched rogues, _Araminta_?
[_Aside to ~Araminta~._
_Aram._ They are indeed.
[_Aside to ~Clarissa~._
_Enter ~Jessamin~._
_Jess._ Sir, here's Mr. _Clip_, the goldsmith, desires to speak with
you.
_Gripe._ Cods so, perhaps some news of your necklace, my dear.
_Clar._ That would be news indeed.
_Gripe._ Let him come in.
_Enter Mr. ~Clip~._
_Gripe._ Mr. _Clip_, your servant, I'm glad to see you: how do you do?
_Clip._ At your service, Sir, very well. Your servant, Madam _Gripe_.
_Clar._ Horrid fellow!
[_Aside._
_Gripe._ Well, Mr. _Clip_, no news yet of my wife's necklace?
_Clip._ If you please to let me speak with you in the next room, I have
something to say to you.
_Gripe._ Ay, with all my heart. Shut the door after us. [_They come
forward, and the Scene shuts behind them._] Well, any news?
_Clip._ Look you, Sir, here's a necklace brought me to sell, at least
very like that you describ'd to me.
_Gripe._ Let's see't----_Victoria_! the very same. Ah my dear _Mr.
Clip_----[_Kisses him._] But who brought it you? you should have seiz'd
him.
_Clip._ 'Twas a young fellow that I know: I can't tell whether he may
be guilty, tho' its like enough. But he has only left it me now, to
shew a brother of our trade, and will call upon me again presently.
_Gripe._ Wheedle him hither, dear Mr. _Clip_. Here's my neighbour
_Money-trap_ in the house; he's a justice, and will commit him
presently.
_Clip._ 'Tis enough.
_Enter ~Brass~._
_Gripe._ O, my friend _Brass_!
_Brass._ Hold, Sir, I think that's a gentleman I'm looking for. Mr.
_Clip_, O your servant; what, are you acquainted here? I have just been
at your shop.
_Clip._ I only stept here to shew Mr. _Gripe_ the necklace you left.
_Brass._ Why, Sir, you understand jewels? [_To Gripe._] I thought you
had dealt only in gold. But I smoak the matter; hark you----a word
in your ear----you are going to play the gallant again, and make a
purchase on't for _Araminta_; ha, ha?
_Gripe._ Where had you the necklace?
_Brass._ Look you, don't trouble yourself about that; it's in
commission with me, and I can help you to a pennyworth on't.
_Gripe._ A pennyworth on't, villain?
[_Strikes at him._
_Brass._ Villain! a hey, a hey. Is't you or me, Mr. _Clip_, he's
pleas'd to compliment?
_Clip._ What do you think on't, Sir?
_Brass._ Think on't, now the devil fetch me if I know what to think
on't.
_Gripe._ You'll sell a pennyworth, rogue! of a thing you have stol'n
from me.
_Brass._ Stol'n! pray, Sir----what wine have you drank to-day? It has a
very merry effect upon you.
_Gripe._ You villain; either give me an account how you stole it, or----
_Brass._ O ho, Sir, if you please, don't carry your jest too far, I
don't understand hard words, I give you warning on't: if you han't a
mind to buy the necklace, you may let it alone, I know how to dispose
on't. What a pox!----
_Gripe._ O, you shan't have that trouble, Sir. Dear Mr. _Clip_, you may
leave the necklace here. I'll call at your shop, and thank you for your
care.
_Clip._ Sir, your humble servant.
[_Going._
_Brass._ O ho, Mr. _Clip_, if you please, Sir, this won't do,
[_Stopping him._] I don't understand rallery in such matters.
_Clip._ I leave it with _Mr Gripe_, do you and he dispute it.
[_Exit ~Clip~._
_Brass._ Ay, but 'tis from you, by your leave, Sir, that I expect it.
[_Going after him._
_Gripe._ You expect, you rogue, to make your escape, do you? But I have
other accounts besides this, to make up with you. To be sure the dog
has cheated me of two hundred and fifty pounds. Come, villain, give me
an account of----
_Brass._ Account of!----Sir, give me an account of my necklace, or I'll
make such a noise in your house, I'll raise the devil in't.
_Gripe._ Well said, courage.
_Brass._ Blood and thunder, give it me, or----
_Gripe._ Come, hush, be wise, and I'll make no noise of this affair.
_Brass._ You'll make no noise! But I'll make a noise; and a damn'd
noise too. O, don't think to----
_Gripe._ I tell thee I will not hang thee.
_Brass._ But I tell you I will hang you, if you don't give me my
necklace, I will, rot me.
_Gripe._ Speak softly, be wise; how came it thine? who gave it thee?
_Brass._ A gentleman, a friend of mine.
_Gripe._ What's his name?
_Brass._ His name!----I'm in such a passion I have forgot it.
_Gripe._ Ah, brazen rogue----thou hast stole it from my wife: 'tis the
same she lost six weeks ago.
_Brass._ This has not been in _England_ a month.
_Gripe._ You are a son of a whore.
_Brass._ Give me my necklace.
_Gripe._ Give me my two hundred and fifty pound note.
_Brass._ Yet I offer peace: one word without passion. The case stands
thus, either I'm out of my wits, or you are out of yours: now 'tis
plain I am not out of my wits, _Ergo_----
_Gripe._ My bill, hang-dog, or I'll strangle thee.
[_They struggle._
_Brass._ Murder, murder!
_Enter ~Clarissa~, ~Araminta~, ~Corinna~, ~Flippanta~, and
~Money-trap~._
_Flip._ What's the matter? What's the matter here?
_Gripe._ I'll matter him.
_Clar._ Who makes thee cry out thus, poor _Brass_?
_Brass._ Why, your husband, Madam, he's in his altitudes here.
_Gripe._ Robber.
_Brass._ Here, he has cheated me of a diamond necklace.
_Cor._ Who, Papa? Ah dear me!
_Clar._ Pr'ythee what's the meaning of this great emotion, my dear?
_Gripe._ The meaning is that----I'm quite out of breath----this son of
a whore has got our necklace, that's all.
_Clar._ My necklace!
_Gripe._ That birdlime there--stole it.
_Clar._ Impossible!
_Brass._ Madam, you see master's a little----touch'd, that's all.
Twenty ounces of blood let loose, wou'd set all right again.
_Gripe._ Here, call a constable presently. Neighbour _Money-trap_,
you'll commit him.
_Brass._ D'ye hear? d'ye hear? See how wild he looks: how his eyes
roll in his head: tye him down, or he'll do some mischief or other.
_Gripe._ Let me come at him.
_Clar._ Hold----pr'ythee, my dear, reduce things to a little
temperance, and let us coolly into the secret of this disagreeable
rupture.
_Gripe._ Well then, without passion; why, you must know, (but I'll have
him hang'd) you must know that he came to Mr. _Clip_, to Mr. _Clip_ the
dog did----with a necklace to sell; so Mr. _Clip_ having notice before
that (can you deny this, Sirrah?) that you had lost yours, brings it to
me: Look at it here, do you know it again? Ah, you traitor.
[_To ~Brass~._
_Brass._ He makes me mad. Here's an appearance of something now to the
company, and yet nothing in't in the bottom.
_Enter Constable._
_Clar._ _Flippanta_!
[_Aside to ~Flippanta~, shewing the necklace._
_Flip._ 'Tis it, faith; here's some mystery in this, we must look about
us.
_Clar._ The safest way is point blank to disown the necklace.
_Flip._ Right, stick to that.
_Gripe._ Well, Madam, do you know your old acquaintance, ha?
_Clar._ Why, truly, my dear, tho' (as you may all imagine) I shou'd be
very glad to recover so valuable a thing as my necklace, yet I must be
just to all the world, this necklace is not mine.
_Brass._ Huzza----here constable do your duty; Mr. Justice, I demand my
necklace, and satisfaction of him.
_Gripe._ I'll die before I part with it, I'll keep it, and have him
hang'd.
_Clar._ But be a little calm, my dear, do my bird, and then thou'lt be
able to judge rightly of things.
_Gripe._ O good lack, O good lack.
_Clar._ No, but don't give way to fury and interest both, either of
'em are passions strong enough to lead a wise man out of the way. The
necklace not being really mine, give it the man again, and come drink a
dish of tea.
_Brass._ Ay, Madam says right.
_Gripe._ Oons, if you with your addle head don't know your own jewels,
I with my solid one do. And if I part with it, may famine be my portion.
_Clar._ But don't swear and curse thyself at this fearful rate; don't,
my dove: Be temperate in your words, and just in all your actions,
'twill bring a blessing upon you and all your family.
_Gripe._ Bring thunder and lightning upon me and my family, if I part
with my necklace.
_Clar._ Why, you'll have the lightning burn your house about your ears,
my dear, it you go on in these practices.
_Mon._ A most excellent woman this!
[_Aside._
_Enter Mrs. ~Amlet~._
_Gripe._ I'll keep my necklace.
_Brass._ Will you so? then here comes one has a title to it, if I
han't; let _Dick_ bring himself off with her as he can. Mrs. _Amlet_,
you are come in very good time, you lost a necklace t'other day, and
who do you think has got it?
_Aml._ Marry, that I know not, I wish I did.
_Brass._ Why then here's Mr. _Gripe_ has it, and swears 'tis his wife's.
_Gripe._ And so I do, sirrah----look here, Mistress, do you pretend
this is yours?
_Aml._ Not for the round world I wou'd not say it; I only kept it to do
Madam a small courtesy? that's all.
_Clar._ Ah, _Flippanta_, all will out now.
[_Aside to ~Flip~._
_Gripe._ Courtesy! what courtesy?
_Aml._ A little money only that madam had present need of, please to
pay me that, and I demand no more.
_Brass._ So here's fresh game, I have started a new hare, I find.
[_Aside._
_Gripe._ How forsooth, is this true?
[_To ~Clarissa~._
_Clar._ You are in a humour at present, love, to believe any thing, so
I won't take the pains to contradict it.
_Brass._ This damn'd necklace will spoil all our affairs, this is
_Dick_'s luck again.
[_Aside._
_Gripe._ Are you not asham'd of these ways? Do you see how you are
expos'd before your best friends here? don't you blush at it?
_Clar._ I do blush, my dear, but 'tis for you, that here it shou'd
appear to the world, you keep me so bare of money, I'm forc'd to pawn
my jewels.
_Gripe._ Impudent houswife!
[_Raising his hand to strike her._
_Clar._ Softly, chicken: you might have prevented all this by giving me
the two hundred and fifty pounds you sent to _Araminta_ e'en now.
_Brass._ You see, Sir, I deliver'd your note: how I have been abus'd
to-day!
_Gripe._ I'm betray'd----jades on both sides, I see that.
[_Aside._
_Mon._ But, Madam, Madam, is this true I hear? Have you taken a present
of two hundred and fifty pounds? Pray what were you to return for these
pounds, Madam, ha?
_Aram._ Nothing, my dear, I only took 'em to reimburse you of about the
same sum you sent to _Clarissa_.
_Mon._ Hum, hum, hum.
_Gripe._ How, gentlewoman, did you receive money from him?
_Clar._ O, my dear, 'twas only in jest, I knew you'd give it again to
his wife.
_Aml._ But amongst all this tintamar, I don't hear a word of my hundred
pounds. Is it Madam will pay me, or Master?
_Gripe._ I pay, the Devil shall pay.
_Clar._ Look you, my dear, malice apart, pay Mrs. _Amlet_ her money,
and I'll forgive you the wrong you intended my bed with _Araminta_: Am
not I a good wife now?
_Gripe._ I burst with rage, and will get rid of this noose, tho' I tuck
myself up in another.
_Mon._ Nay, pray, e'en tuck me up with you.
[_Exit ~Mon.~ and ~Gripe.~_
_Clar. & Aram._ B'ye, dearies.
_Enter ~Dick~._
_Cor._ Look, look, _Flippanta_, here's the colonel come at last.
_Dick._ Ladies, I ask your pardon, I have stay'd so long, but----
_Aml._ Ah rogue's face, have I got thee, old Good-for-nought? sirrah,
sirrah, do you think to amuse me with your marriages, and your great
fortunes? Thou hast play'd me a rare prank by my conscience. Why you
ungracious rascal, what do you think will be the end of all this? Now
Heaven forgive me, but I have a great mind to hang thee for't.
_Cor._ She talks to him very familiarly, _Flippanta_.
_Flip._ So methinks, by my faith.
_Brass._ Now the rogue's star is making an end of him.
[_Aside._
_Dick._ What shall I do with her?
[_Aside._
_Aml._ Do but look at him, my dames, he has the countenance of a
cherubim, but he's a rogue in his heart.
_Clar._ What is the meaning of all this, Mrs. _Amlet_?
_Aml._ The meaning, good lack! Why this all-to-be powder'd rascal here,
is my son, an't please you; ha, graceless? Now I'll make you own your
mother, vermine.
_Clar._ What, the colonel your son?
_Aml._ 'Tis _Dick_, Madam, that rogue _Dick_, I have so often told you
of, with tears trickling down my old cheeks.
_Aram._ The woman's mad, it can never be.
_Aml._ Speak, rogue, am I not thy mother, ha? Did I not bring thee
forth? say then.
_Dick._ What will you have me say? you had a mind to ruin me, and you
have done't; wou'd you do any more?
_Clar._ Then, sir, you are son to good Mrs. _Amlet_?
_Aram._ And have had the assurance to put upon us all this while?
_Flip._ And the confidence to think of marrying _Corinna_.
_Brass._ And the impudence to hire me for your servant, who am as well
born as yourself.
_Clar._ Indeed I think he shou'd be corrected.
_Aram._ Indeed I think he deserves to be cudgell'd.
_Flip._ Indeed I think he might be pumpt.
_Brass._ Indeed I think he will be hang'd.
_Aml._ Good lack-a-day, good lack-a-day! there's no need to be so smart
upon him neither: if he is not a gentleman, he's a gentleman's fellow.
Come hither, _Dick_, they shan't run thee down neither: cock up thy
hat, _Dick_, and tell them tho' Mrs. _Amlet_ is thy mother, she can
make thee amends, with ten thousand good pounds to buy thee some lands,
and build thee a house in the midst on't.
_Omnes._ How!
_Clar._ Ten thousand pounds, Mrs. _Amlet_?
_Aml._ Yes, forsooth; tho' I shou'd lose the hundred, you pawn'd your
necklace for. Tell 'em that, _Dick_.
_Cor._ Look you, _Flippanta_, I can hold no longer, and I hate to see
the young man abus'd. And so, Sir, if you please, I'm your friend
and servant, and what's mine is yours; and when our estates are put
together, I don't doubt but we shall do as well as the best of 'em.
_Dick._ Say'st thou so, my little queen? Why then if dear mother will
give us her blessing, the parson shall give us a tack. We'll get her a
score of grand-children, and a merry house we'll make her.
[_They kneel to Mrs. ~Amlet~._
_Aml._ Ah----ha, ha, ha, the pretty pair, the pretty pair! rise my
chickens, rise, rise and face the proudest of them. And if Madam does
not deign to give her consent, a fig for her _Dick_----Why how now?
_Clar._ Pray, Mrs. _Amlet_, don't be in a passion, the girl is my
husband's girl, and if you can have his consent, upon my word you shall
have mine, for any thing that belongs to him.
_Flip._ Then all is peace again, but we have been more lucky than wise.
_Aram._ And I suppose, for us, _Clarissa_, we are to go on with our
dears, as we us'd to do.
_Clar._ Just in the same track, for this late treaty of agreement with
'em, was so unnatural, you see it cou'd not hold. But 'tis just as well
with us, as if it had. Well, 'tis a strange fate, good folks. But while
you live, every thing gets well out of a broil, but a husband.