+ACT+ I. +SCENE+ I.
+SCENE+ _Covent-garden_.
_Enter Mrs. ~Amlet~ and Mrs. ~Cloggit~, meeting._
=Amlet.=
Good-morrow, neighbour; good-morrow, neighbour _Cloggit_! How does all
at your house this morning?
_Clog._ Think you kindly, _Mrs._ Amlet, thank you kindly; how do you
do, I pray?
_Aml._ At the old rate, neighbour, poor and honest; these are hard
times, good lack.
_Clog._ If they are hard with you, what are they with us? You have
a good trade going, all the great folks in town help off with your
merchandize.
_Aml._ Yes, they do help us off with 'em indeed; they buy all.
_Clog._ And pay----
_Aml._ For some.
_Clog._ Well, 'tis a thousand pities, Mrs. _Amlet_, they are not as
ready at one, as they are at t'other: For, not to wrong 'em, they give
very good rates.
_Aml._ O for that, let us do them justice, neighbour; they never make
two words upon the price, all they haggle about is the day of payment.
_Clog._ There's all the dispute, as you say.
_Aml._ But that's a wicked one: For my part, neighbour, I'm just tir'd
off my legs with trotting after 'em; beside, it eats out all our
profit. Would you believe it, Mrs. _Cloggit_, I have worn out four pair
of pattens, with following my old Lady _Youthful_, for one set of false
teeth, and but three pots of paint.
_Clog._ Look you there now.
_Aml._ If they would but once let me get enough by 'em, to keep a coach
to carry me a dunning after 'em, there would be some conscience in it.
_Clog._ Ay, that were something. But now you talk of conscience, Mrs.
_Amlet_, how do you speed among your city customers?
_Aml._ My city customers! Now by my truth, neighbour, between the city
and the court (with reverence be it spoken) there's not a ---- to
choose. My ladies in the city in times past, were as full of gold as
they were of religion, and as punctual in their payments as they were
of their prayers; but since they have set their minds upon quality,
adieu one, adieu t'other, their money and their conscience are gone,
heaven knows where. There is not a goldsmith's wife to be found in
town, but's as hard-hearted as an ancient judge, and as poor as a
towering dutchess.
_Clog._ But what the murrain have they to do with quality, why don't
their husbands make e'm mind their shops?
_Aml._ Their husbands! their husbands, say'st thou, woman? alack,
alack, they mind their husbands, neighbour, no more than they do a
sermon.
_Clog._ Good lack-a-day, that women born of sober parents, should be
prone to follow ill examples! But now we talk of quality, when did you
hear of your son _Richard_, Mrs. _Amlet_? My daughter _Flip._ says
she met him t'other day in a lac'd coat, with three fine ladies, his
footman at his heels, and as gay as a bridegroom.
_Aml._ Is it possible? Ah the rogue! well, neighbour, all's well that
ends well; but _Dick_ will be hang'd.
_Clog._ That were pity.
_Aml._ Pity indeed; for he's a hopeful young man to look on; but he
leads a life----Well----where he has it, heav'n knows; but they say,
he pays his club with the best of 'em. I have seen him but once these
three months, neighbour, and then the varlet wanted money; but I bid
him march, and march he did to some purpose; for in less than an hour,
back comes my gentleman into the house, walks to and fro in the room,
with his wig over his shoulder, his hat on one side, whistling a
minuet, and tossing a purse of gold from one hand to t'other, with no
more respect (heaven bless us!) than if it had been an orange. Sirrah,
says I, where have you got that? He answers me never a word, but sets
his arms a kimbo, cocks his saucy hat in my face, turns about upon his
ungracious heel, as much as to say kiss--and I've never set my eye on
him since.
_Clog._ Look you there now; to see what the youth of this age are come
to!
_Aml._ See what they will come to, neighbour. Heaven shield, I say; but
_Dick_'s upon the gallop. Well, I must bid you good-morrow; I'm going
where I doubt I shall meet but a sorry welcome.
_Clog._ To get in some old debt, I'll warrant you?
_Aml._ Neither better or worse.
_Clog._ From a lady of quality?
_Aml._ No, she's but a scrivener's wife; but she lives as well, and
pays as ill, as the stateliest countess of 'em all.
[_Exeunt several ways._
_Enter ~Brass~ solus._
_Brass._ Well, surely thro' the world's wide extent, there never
appeared so impudent a fellow as my schoolfellow _Dick_, pass himself
upon the town for a gentleman, drop into all the best company with an
easy air, as if his natural element were in the sphere of quality; when
the rogue had a kettle-drum to his father, who was hang'd for robbing a
church, and has a pedlar to his mother, who carries her shop under her
arm. But here he comes.
_Enter ~Dick~._
_Dick._ Well, _Brass_, what news? Hast thou given my letter to
_Flippanta_?
_Brass._ I'm but just come; I han't knock'd at the door yet. But I have
a damn'd piece of news for you.
_Dick._ As how?
_Brass._ We must quit this country.
_Dick._ We'll be hang'd first.
_Brass._ So you will if you stay.
_Dick._ Why, what's the matter?
_Brass._ There's a storm a coming.
_Dick._ From whence?
_Brass._ From the worst point in the compass, the law.
_Dick._ The law! Why what have I to do with the law?
_Brass._ Nothing; and therefore it has something to do with you.
_Dick._ Explain.
_Brass._ You know you cheated a young fellow at picquet t'other day, of
the money he had to raise his company.
_Dick._ Well, what then?
_Brass._ Why he's sorry he lost it.
_Dick._ Who doubts that?
_Brass._ Ay, but that's not all, he's such a fool to think of
complaining on't.
_Dick._ Then I must be so wise as to stop his mouth.
_Brass._ How?
_Dick._ Give him a little back; if that won't do, strangle him.
_Brass._ You are very quick in your methods.
_Dick._ Men must be so that will dispatch business.
_Brass._ Hark you, Colonel, your father dy'd in's bed?
_Dick._ He might have done if he had not been a fool.
_Brass._ Why, he robbed a church.
_Dick._ Ay, but he forgot to make sure of the sexton.
_Brass._ Are not you a great rogue?
_Dick._ Or I should wear worse clothes.
_Brass._ Hark you, I would advise you to change your life.
_Dick._ And turn ballad-singer.
_Brass._ Not so neither.
_Dick._ What then?
_Brass._ Why, if you can get this young wench, reform, and live honest.
_Dick._ That's the way to be starv'd.
_Brass._ No, she has money enough to buy you a good place, and pay me
into the bargain for helping her to so good a match. You have but this
throw left to save you, for you are not ignorant, youngster, that your
morals begin to be pretty well known about town; have a care your noble
birth and your honourable relations are not discovered too: there needs
but that to have you toss'd in a blanket, for the entertainment of the
first company of ladies you intrude into: and then like a dutiful son,
you may dangle about with your mother, and sell paint: she's old and
weak, and wants somebody to carry her goods after her. How like a dog
will you look, with a pair of plod shoes, your hair crop'd up to your
ears, and a band-box under your arm?
_Dick._ Why faith, _Brass_, I think thou art in the right on't; I must
fix my affairs quickly, or Madam _Fortune_ will be playing some of her
bitch-tricks with me: therefore I'll tell thee what we'll do; we'll
pursue this old rogue's daughter heartily; we'll cheat his family to
purpose, and they shall atone for the rest of mankind.
_Brass._ Have at her then, I'll about your business presently.
_Dick._ One kiss----and success attend thee.
[_Exit ~Dick~._
_Brass._ A great rogue----Well, I say nothing. But when I have got the
thing into a good posture, he shall sign and seal, or I'll have him
tumbled out of the house like a cheese. Now for _Flippanta._
[_He knocks._
_Enter ~Flippanta~._
_Flip._ Who's that? _Brass!_
_Brass._ _Flippanta!_
_Flip._ What want you, rogue's-face?
_Brass._ Is your mistress dress'd?
_Flip._ What, already? Is the fellow drunk?
_Brass._ Why, with respect to her looking-glass, it's almost two.
_Flip._ What then, fool?
_Brass._ Why then it's time for the mistress of the house to come down,
and look after her family.
_Flip._ Pr'ythee don't be an owl. Those that go to bed at night may
rise in the morning; we that go to bed in the morning rise in the
afternoon.
_Brass._ When does she make her visits then?
_Flip._ By candle-light; it helps off a muddy complexion; we women hate
inquisitive sun-shine: but do you know that my Lady is going to turn
good housewife?
_Brass._ What, is she going to die?
_Flip._ Die!
_Brass._ Why, that's the only way to save money for her family.
_Flip._ No; but she has thought of a project to save chair-hire.
_Brass._ As how?
_Flip._ Why all the company she us'd to keep abroad she now intends
shall meet at her own house. Your master has advis'd her to set up a
basset-table.
_Brass._ Nay, if he advis'd her to it, it's right; but has she
acquainted her husband with it yet?
_Flip._ What to do? When the company meet he'll see them.
_Brass._ Nay, that's true, as you say, he'll know it soon enough.
_Flip._ Well, I must be gone; have you any business with my Lady?
_Brass._ Yes; as ambassador from _Araminta_, I have a letter for her.
_Flip._ Give it me.
_Brass._ Hold----and as first minister of state to the Colonel, I have
an affair to communicate to thee.
_Flip._ What is't? quick.
_Brass._ Why----he's in love.
_Flip._ With what?
_Brass._ A woman----and her money together.
_Flip._ Who is she?
_Brass._ _Corinna_.
_Flip._ What wou'd he be at?
_Brass._ At her----if she's at leisure.
_Flip._ Which way?
_Brass._ Honourably----he has ordered me to demand her of thee in
marriage.
_Flip._ Of me?
_Brass._ Why, when a man of quality has a mind to a city-fortune,
would'st have him apply to her father and mother?
_Flip._ No.
_Brass._ No, so I think: men of our end of the town are better bred
than to use ceremony. With a long perriwig we strike the lady, with a
you-know-what we soften the maid; and when the parson has done his job,
we open the affair to the family. Will you slip this letter into her
prayer-book, my little queen? It's a very passionate one----It's seal'd
with a heart and a dagger; you may see by that what he intends to do
with himself.
_Flip._ Are there any verses in it? If not, I won't touch it.
_Brass._ Not one word in prose, it's dated in rhyme.
[_She takes it._
_Flip._ Well, but have you brought nothing else?
_Brass._ Gad forgive me; I'm the forgetfullest dog----I have a letter
for you too----here----'tis in a purse, but it's in prose, you won't
touch it.
_Flip._ Yes, hang it, it is not good to be too dainty.
_Brass._ How useful a virtue is humility! Well, child, we shall have an
answer to-morrow, shan't we?
_Flip._ I can't promise you that; for our young gentlewoman is not so
often in my way as she would be. Her father (who is a citizen from
the foot to the forehead of him) lets her seldom converse with her
mother-in-law and me, for fear she should learn the airs of a woman of
quality. But I'll take the first occasion: see, there's my lady, go in
and deliver your letter to her.
[_Exeunt._
+SCENE+, _a Parlour_.
_Enter ~Clarissa~, follow'd by ~Flippanta~ and ~Brass~._
_Clar._ No messages this morning from any body, _Flippanta_? Lard how
dull that is! O, there's _Brass_! I did not see thee, _Brass_. What
news dost thou bring?
_Brass._ Only a letter from _Araminta_, Madam.
_Clar._ Give it me----open it for me, _Flippanta_, I am so lazy to-day.
[_Sitting down._
_Brass._ [_To Flip._] Be sure now you deliver my master's as carefully
as I do this.
_Flip._ Don't trouble thyself, I'm no novice.
_Clar._ [to _Brass._] 'Tis well, there needs no answer, since she'll be
here so soon.
_Brass._ Your ladyship has no farther commands then?
_Clar._ Not at this time, honest _Brass_. _Flippanta_!
[_Exit ~Brass~._
_Flip._ Madam.
_Clar._ My husband's in love.
_Flip._ In love?
_Clar._ With _Araminta_.
_Flip._ Impossible!
_Clar._ This letter from her, is to give me an account of it.
_Flip._ Methinks you are not very much alarm'd.
_Clar._ No; thou know'st I'm not much tortur'd with jealousy.
_Flip._ Nay, you are much in the right on't, Madam, for jealousy's a
city passion, 'tis a thing unknown amongst people of quality.
_Clar._ Fy! A woman must indeed be of a mechanick mould, who is either
troubled or pleas'd with any thing her husband can do to her. Pr'ythee
mention him no more; 'tis the dullest theme.
_Flip._ 'Tis splenetick indeed. But when once you open your basset
table, I hope that will put him out of your head.
_Clar._ Alas, _Flippanta_, I begin to grow weary even of the thoughts
of that too.
_Flip._ How so?
_Clar._ Why, I have thought on't a day and a night already, and four
and twenty hours, thou know'st, is enough to make one weary of any
thing.
_Flip._ Now by my conscience, you have more woman in you than all your
sex together: you never know what you would have.
_Clar._ Thou mistakest the thing quite. I always know what I lack, but
I am never pleas'd with what I have. The want of a thing is perplexing
enough, but the possession of it is intolerable.
_Flip._ Well, I don't know what you are made of, but other women would
think themselves blest in your case; handsome, witty, lov'd by every
body, and of so happy a composure, to care a fig for nobody. You have
no one passion, but that of your pleasures, and you have in me a
servant devoted to all your desires, let them be as extravagant as they
will: yet all this is nothing; you can still be out of humour.
_Clar._ Alas, I have but too much cause.
_Flip._ Why, what have you to complain of?
_Clar._ Alas, I have more subjects for spleen than one: is it
not a most horrible thing that I should be but a scrivener's
wife?--Come,----don't flatter me, don't you think nature design'd me
for something _plus elevé_?
_Flip._ Nay, that's certain; but on the other side, methinks, you ought
to be in some measure content, since you live like a woman of quality,
tho' you are none.
_Clar._ O fy! the very quintessence of it is wanting.
_Flip._ What's that?
_Clar._ Why, I dare abuse nobody: I'm afraid to affront people, tho' I
don't like their faces; or to ruin their reputations, tho' they pique
me to it, by taking ever so much pains to preserve 'em: I dare not
raise a lye of a man, tho' he neglects to make love to me; nor report
a woman to be a fool, tho' she's handsomer than I am. In short, I dare
not so much as bid my footman kick the people out of doors, tho' they
come to ask me for what I owe them.
_Flip._ All this is very hard indeed.
_Clar._ Ah, _Flippanta_, the perquisites of quality are of an
unspeakable value.
_Flip._ They are of some use, I must confess; but we must not expect to
have every thing. You have wit and beauty, and a fool to your husband:
come come, madam, that's a good portion for one.
_Clar._ Alas, what signifies beauty and wit, when one dares neither
jilt the men nor abuse the women? 'Tis a sad thing, _Flippanta_, when
wit's confin'd, 'tis worse than the rising of the lights; I have been
sometimes almost choak'd with scandal, and durst not cough it up for
want of being a countess.
_Flip._ Poor lady!
_Clar._ O! Liberty is a fine thing, _Flippanta_; it's a great help in
conversation to have leave to say what one will. I have seen a woman of
quality, who has not had one grain of wit, entertain a whole company
the most agreeably in the world, only with her malice. But 'tis in vain
to repine, I can't mend my condition, till my husband dies: so I'll say
no more on't, but think of making the most of the state I am in.
_Flip._ That's your best way, madam; and in order to it, pray consider
how you'll get some ready money to set your basset-table a going; for
that's necessary.
_Clar._ Thou say'st true; but what trick I shall play my husband to get
some, I don't know: for my pretence of losing my diamond necklace has
put the man into such a passion, I'm afraid he won't hear reason.
_Flip._ No matter; he begins to think 'tis lost in earnest: so I fancy
you may venture to sell it, and raise money that way.
_Clar._ That can't be, for he has left odious notes with all the
goldsmiths in town.
_Flip._ Well, we must pawn it then.
_Clar._ I'm quite tir'd with dealing with those pawnbrokers.
_Flip._ I'm afraid you'll continue the trade a great while, for all
that.
[_Aside._
_Enter ~Jessamin~._
_Jess._ Madam, there's the woman below that sells paint and patches,
iron boddice, false teeth, and all sorts of things to the ladies; I
can't think of her name.
_Flip._ 'Tis Mrs. _Amlet_, she wants money.
_Clar._ Well, I han't enough for myself, it's an unreasonable thing she
should think I have any for her.
_Flip._ She's a troublesome jade.
_Clar._ So are all people that come a dunning.
_Flip._ What will you do with her?
_Clar._ I have just now thought on't. She's very rich, that woman is,
_Flippanta_, I'll borrow some money of her.
_Flip._ Borrow! sure you jest, madam.
_Clar._ No, I'm in earnest; I give thee commission to do it for me.
_Flip._ Me!
_Clar._ Why dost thou stare, and look so ungainly? Don't I speak to be
understood?
_Flip._ Yes, I understand you well enough; but Mrs. _Amlet_----
_Clar._ But Mrs. _Amlet_ must lend me some money, where shall I have
any to pay her else?
_Flip._ That's true; I never thought of that truly. But here she is.
_Enter Mrs. ~Amlet~._
_Clar._ How d'you do? How d'you do, Mrs. _Amlet_? I han't seen you
these thousand years, and yet I believe I'm down in your books.
_Aml._ O, Madam, I don't come for that, alack.
_Flip._ Good-morrow, Mrs. _Amlet_.
_Aml._ Good-morrow, Mrs. _Flippanta_.
_Clar._ How much am I indebted to you, Mrs. _Amlet_?
_Aml._ Nay, if your ladyship desires to see your bill, I believe I may
have it about me.--There, Madam, if it ben't too much fatigue to you to
look it over.
_Clar._ Let me see it, for I hate to be in debt, where I am obliged to
pay. [_Aside._]----_Reads._] Imprimis, _For bolstering out the Countess
of ~Crump's~ left hip_----O fy, this does not belong to me.
_Aml._ I beg your Ladyship's pardon. I mistook indeed; 'tis a
countess's bill I have writ out to little purpose. I furnish'd her two
years ago with three pair of hips, and am not paid for them yet: but
some are better customers than some. There's your Ladyship's bill,
Madam.
_Clar._ _For the idea of a new invented commode._----Ay, this may be
mine, but 'tis of a preposterous length. Do you think I can waste time
to read every article, Mrs. _Amlet_? I'd as lief read a sermon.
_Aml._ Alack-a-day, there's no need of fatiguing yourself at that rate;
cast an eye only, if your honour pleases, upon the sum total.
_Clar._ Total; fifty-six pounds--and odd things.
_Flip._ But six and fifty pounds!
_Aml._ Nay, another body would have made it twice as much; but there's
a blessing goes along with a moderate profit.
_Clar._ _Flippanta_, go to my cashier, let him give you six and fifty
pounds. Make haste: don't you hear me? Six and fifty pounds. Is it so
difficult to be comprehended?
_Flip._ No, Madam, I, I comprehend six and fifty pounds, but----
_Clar._ But go and fetch it then.
_Flip._ What she means, I don't know; [_Aside._] but I shall, I
suppose, before I bring her the money.
[_Exit._ Flip.
_Clar._ [_Setting her hair in a pocket glass._] The trade you follow
gives you a great deal of trouble, Mrs. _Amlet_.
_Aml._ Alack-a-day, a world of pain, Madam, and yet there's small
profit, as your honour sees by your bill.
_Clar._ Poor woman! sometimes you have great losses, Mrs. _Amlet_?
_Aml._ I have two thousand pounds owing me, of which I shall never get
ten shillings.
_Clar._ Poor woman! You have a great charge of children, Mrs. _Amlet_?
_Aml._ Only one wicked rogue, Madam, who I think, will break my heart.
_Clar._ Poor woman!
_Aml._ He'll be hang'd, Madam----that will be the end of him. Where
he gets it, heav'n knows; but he's always shaking his heels with the
ladies, and his elbows with the lords. He's as fine as a prince, and as
grim as the best of them; but the ungracious rogue tells all that comes
near that his mother is dead, and I am but his nurse.
_Clar._ Poor woman!
_Aml._ Alas, Madam, he's like the rest of the world; every body's for
appearing to be more than they are, and that ruins all.
_Clar._ Well, Mrs. _Amlet_, you'll excuse me, I have a little business,
_Flippanta_ will bring you your money presently. Adieu, Mrs. _Amlet_.
[_Exit ~Clarissa~._
_Aml._ I return your honour many thanks [_Sola._] Ah, there's my good
lady, not so much as read her bill; if the rest were like her, I should
soon have money enough to go as fine as _Dick_ himself.
_Enter ~Dick~._
_Dick._ Sure _Flippanta_ must have given my letter by this time;
[_Aside._] I long to know how it has been received.
_Aml._ _Misericorde!_ what do I see!
_Dick._ Fiends and hags--the witch my mother!
_Aml._ Nay, 'tis he! ah, my poor _Dick_, what art thou doing here?
_Dick._ What a misfortune----
[_Aside._
_Aml._ Good lard! how bravely deck'd art thou. But it's all one, I am
thy mother still: and tho' thou art a wicked child, nature will speak,
I love thee still, ah, _Dick_, my poor _Dick_.
[_Embracing him._
_Dick._ Blood and thunder! will you ruin me?
[_Breaking from her._
_Aml._ Ah the blasphemous rogue, how he swears!
_Dick._ You destroy all my hopes.
_Aml._ Will your mother's kiss destroy you, varlet? Thou art an
ungracious bird; kneel down, and ask my blessing, sirrah.
_Dick._ Death and furies!
_Aml._ Ah, he's a proper young man, see what a shape he has: ah, poor
child.
[_Running to embrace him, he still avoiding her._
_Dick._ Oons, keep off, the woman's mad. If any body comes, my
fortune's lost.
_Aml._ What fortune, ah? speak, graceless. Ah _Dick_, thou'lt be
hang'd, _Dick_.
_Dick._ Good, dear mother, now don't call me _Dick_ here.
_Aml._ Not call thee _Dick_! Is not that thy name? What shall I call
thee? Mr. _Amlet_? ha! Art not thou a presumptuous rascal? Hark you,
sirrah, I hear of your tricks; you disown me for your mother, and say
I'm but your nurse. Is not this true?
_Dick._ No, I love you; I respect you; [_Taking her hand._] I am all
duty. But if you discover me here, you ruin the fairest prospect that
man ever had.
_Aml._ What prospect? ha! come, this is a lie now.
_Dick._ No, my honour'd parent, what I say is true, I'm about a great
fortune, I'll bring you home a daughter-in-law, in a coach and six
horses, if you'll but be quiet; I can't tell you more now.
_Aml._ Is it possible!
_Dick._ It's true, by _Jupiter_.
_Aml._ My dear lad----
_Dick._ For Heaven's sake----
_Aml._ But tell me, _Dick_----
_Dick._ I'll follow you home in a moment, and tell you all.
_Aml._ What a shape is there----
_Dick._ Pray mother go.
_Aml._ I must receive some money here first, which shall go for thy
wedding-dinner.
_Dick._ Here's somebody coming; s'death, she'll betray me.
_Enter ~Flippanta~._
[_He makes signs to his Mother._
_Dick._ Good-morrow, dear _Flippanta_; how do all the ladies within?
_Flip._ At your service, Colonel; as far at least as my interest goes.
_Aml._ Colonel!--Law you now, how _Dick_'s respected!
[_Aside._
_Dick._ Waiting for thee, _Flippanta_, I was making acquaintance with
this old gentlewoman here.
_Aml._ The pretty lad, he's as impudent as a Page.
[_Aside._
_Dick._ Who is this good woman, _Flippanta_?
_Flip._ A gin of all trades; an old daggling cheat, that hobbles about
from house to house to bubble the ladies of their money. I have a small
business of your's in my pocket, Colonel.
_Dick._ An answer to my letter?
_Flip._ So quick indeed! No, it's your letter itself.
_Dick._ Hast thou not given it then yet?
_Flip._ I han't had an opportunity; but 'twon't be long first. Won't
you go in and see my Lady?
_Dick._ Yes, I'll go make her a short visit. But dear _Flippanta_,
don't forget: my life and fortune are in your hands.
_Flip._ Ne'er fear, I'll take care of 'em.
_Aml._ How he traps 'em; let _Dick_ alone.
[_Aside._
_Dick._ Your servant, good Madam.
[_To his Mother._
[_Exit ~Dick~._
_Aml._ Your Honour's most devoted.--A pretty, civil, well-bred
gentleman this, Mrs. _Flippanta_. Pray whom may he be?
_Flip._ A man of great note; Colonel _Shapely_.
_Aml._ Is it possible! I have heard much of him indeed, but never saw
him before: one may see quality in every limb of him: he's a fine man
truly.
_Flip._ I think you are in love with him, Mrs. _Amlet_.
_Aml._ Alas, those days are done with me; but if I were as fair as I
was once, and had as much money as some folks, Colonel _Shapely_ should
not catch cold for want of a bed-fellow. I love your men of rank, they
have something in their air does so distinguish 'em from the rascality.
_Flip._ People of Quality are fine things indeed, Mrs. _Amlet_, if they
had but a little more money; but for want of that, they are forced to
do things their great souls are asham'd of. For example--here's my
Lady--she owes you but six and fifty pounds----
_Aml._ Well!
_Flip._ And she has it not by her to pay you.
_Aml._ How can that be?
_Flip._ I don't know; her cash-keeper's out of humour, he says he has
no money.
_Aml._ What a presumptuous piece of vermin is a cash-keeper! Tell his
Lady he has no money?--Now, Mrs. _Flippanta_, you may see his bags are
full by his being so saucy.
_Flip._ If they are, there's no help for't; he'll do what he pleases,
till he comes to make up his yearly accounts.
_Aml._ But Madam plays sometimes, so when she has good fortune, she may
pay me out of her winnings.
_Flip._ O ne'er think of that, Mrs. _Amlet_: if she had won a thousand
pounds, she'd rather die in a gaol, than pay off a farthing with it;
play money, Mrs. _Amlet_, amongst people of quality, is a sacred thing,
and not to be profan'd. 'Tis consecrated to their pleasures, 'twould be
sacrilege to pay their debts with it.
_Aml._ Why what shall we do then? For I han't one penny to buy bread.
_Flip._----I'll tell you----it just now comes in my head: I know my
Lady has a little occasion for money at this time; so----if you lend
her----a hundred pounds----do you see, then she may pay you your six
and fifty out of it.
_Aml._ Sure, Mrs. _Flippanta_, you think to make a fool of me.
_Flip._ No, the Devil fetch me if I do----You shall have a diamond
necklace in pawn.
_Aml._ O ho, a pawn! That's another case. And when must she have this
money?
_Flip._ In a quarter of an hour.
_Aml._ Say no more. Bring the necklace to my house, it shall be ready
for you.
_Flip._ I'll be with you in a moment.
_Aml._ Adieu, Mrs. _Flippanta_.
_Flip._ Adieu, Mrs. _Amlet_.
[_Exit ~Amlet~._
_Flippanta ~sola~._
So----this ready money will make us all happy. This spring will set our
basset going, and that's a wheel will turn twenty others. My Lady's
young and handsome; she'll have a dozen intrigues upon her hands,
before she has been twice at her prayers. So much the better; the more
the grist, the richer the miller. Sure never wench got into so hopeful
a place: Here's a fortune to be sold, a mistress to be debauched, and
a master to be ruin'd. If I don't feather my nest, and get a good
husband, I deserve to die both a maid and a beggar.
[Exeunt.
+ACT+ II.
+SCENE+, _Mr._ Gripe's _House_.
_Enter ~Clarissa~ and ~Dick~._
_Clar._ What in the name of dulness is the matter with you, Colonel?
you are as studious as a crack'd chymist.
_Dick._ My head, Madam, is full of your husband.
_Clar._ The worst furniture for a head in the universe.
_Dick._ I am thinking of his passion for your friend _Araminta_.
_Clar._ Passion!----Dear Colonel, give it a less violent name.
_Enter ~Brass~._
_Dick._ Well, Sir, what want you?
_Brass._ The affair I told you of goes ill. [_To ~Dick~, aside._]
There's an action out.
_Dick_. The Devil there is!
_Clar._ What news brings _Brass_?
_Dick._ Before Gad I cannot tell, Madam; the dog will never speak out.
My Lord what-d'ye-call him waits, for me at my lodging: Is not that it?
_Brass._ Yes, Sir.
_Dick._ Madam, I ask your pardon.
_Clar._ Your servant, Sir.
[_Exeunt ~Dick~ and ~Brass~._
_Jessamin!_
[_She sits down._
_Enter ~Jessamin~._
_Jes._ Madam.
_Clar._ Where's _Corinna_? Call her to me, if her father han't lock'd
her up: I want her company.
_Jes._ Madam, her guitar-master is with her.
_Clar._ Psha! she's taken up with her impertinent Guitar-Man.
_Flippanta_ stays an age with that old fool, Mrs. _Amlet_. And
_Araminta_, before she can come abroad, is so long a placing her
coquet-patch, that I must be a year without company. How insupportable
is a moment's uneasiness to a woman of spirit and pleasure!
_Enter ~Flippanta~._
_Clar._ O, art thou come at last? Pr'ythee, _Flippanta_, learn to move
a little quicker, thou know'st how impatient I am.
_Flip._ Yes, when you expect money: If you had sent me to buy a
Prayer-Book, you'd have thought I had flown.
_Clar._ Well, hast thou brought me any, after all?
_Flip._ Yes, I have brought some. There [_Giving her a purse._] the old
hag has struck off her bill, the rest is in that purse.
_Clar._ 'Tis well; but take care, _Flippanta_, my husband don't suspect
any thing of this; 'twould vex him, and I don't love to make him
uneasy: So I would spare him these little sort of troubles, by keeping
'em from his knowledge.
_Flip._ See the tenderness she has for him, and yet he's always
complaining of you.
_Clar._ 'Tis the nature of 'em, _Flippanta_; a husband is a growling
animal.
_Flip._ How exactly you define 'em!
_Clar._ O! I know 'em, _Flippanta_: though I confess my poor wretch
diverts me sometimes with his ill-humours. I wish he wou'd quarrel
with me to-day a little, to pass away the time, for I find myself in a
violent spleen.
_Flip._ Why, if you please to drop yourself in his way, six to four but
he scolds one rubbers with you.
_Clar._ Ay, but thou know'st he's as uncertain as the wind; and if
instead of quarrelling with me, he should chance to be fond, he'd make
me as sick as a dog.
_Flip._ If he's kind, you must provoke him; if he kisses you, spit in
his face.
_Clar._ Alas, when men are in the kissing fit, (like lap-dogs) they
take that for a favour.
_Flip._ Nay, then, I don't know what you'll do with him.
_Clar._ I'll e'en do nothing at all with him----Flippanta.
[_Yawning._
_Flip._ Madam.
_Clar._ My hood and scarf, and a coach to the door.
_Flip._ Why, whither are you going?
_Clar._ I can't tell yet, but I would go spend some money, since I have
it.
_Flip._ Why, you want nothing that I know of.
_Clar._ How aukward an objection now is that, as if a woman of
education bought things because she wanted 'em. Quality always
distinguishes itself; and therefore, as the mechanick people buy
things, because they have occasion for 'em, you see women of rank
always buy things because they have not occasion for 'em. Now, there,
_Flippanta_, you see the difference between a woman that has breeding,
and one that has none. O ho, here's _Araminta_ come at last.
_Enter ~Araminta~._
_Clar._ Lard, what a tedious while you have let me expect you! I was
afraid you were not well; how d'ye do to-day?
_Aram._ As well as a woman can do, that has not slept all night.
_Flip._ Methinks, Madam, you are pretty well-awake, however.
_Aram._ O, 'tis not a little thing will make a woman of my vigour look
drowsy.
_Clar._ But, pr'ythee, what was't disturb'd you?
_Aram._ Not your husband, don't trouble yourself; at least, I am not in
love with him yet.
_Clar._ Well remember'd, I had quite forgot that matter. I wish you
much joy, you have made a noble conquest indeed.
_Aram._ But now I have subdu'd the country, pray is it worth my
keeping? You know the ground, you have try'd it.
_Clar._ A barren soil, heaven can tell.
_Aram._ Yet if it were well cultivated, it would produce something to
my knowledge. Do you know 'tis in my power to ruin this poor thing of
yours? His whole Estate is at my Service.
_Flip._ Cods-fish, strike him, Madam, and let my Lady go your halves.
There's no sin in plundering a husband, so his wife has share of the
booty.
_Aram._ Whenever she gives me her orders, I shall be very ready to obey
'em.
_Clar._ Why, as odd a thing as such a project may seem, _Araminta_, I
believe I shall have a little serious discourse with you about it. But,
pr'ythee, tell me how you have pass'd the night? For I am sure your
mind has been roving upon some pretty thing or other.
_Aram._ Why, I have been studying all the ways my brain could produce
to plague my husband.
_Clar._ No wonder indeed you look so fresh this morning, after the
satisfaction of such pleasing ideas all night.
_Aram._ Why, can a woman do less than study mischief, when she has
tumbled and toss'd herself into a burning-fever, for want of sleep,
and sees a fellow lie snoring by her, stock-still, in a fine breathing
sweat?
_Clar._ Now see the difference of women's tempers: If my dear would
make but one nap of his whole life, and only waken to make his will, I
shou'd be the happiest wife in the universe. But we'll discourse more
of these matters as we go, for I must make a _tour_ among the Shops.
_Aram._ I have a coach waits at the door, we'll talk of 'em as we
rattle along.
_Clar._ The best place in nature, for you know a hackney-coach is a
natural enemy to a husband.
[_Exit ~Clar.~ and ~Aram.~_
_Flippanta ~sola~._
What a pretty little pair of amiable persons are there gone to hold
a council of war together! Poor birds! What would they do with their
time, if the plaguing their husbands did not help 'em to employment!
Well, if idleness be the root of all evil, then matrimony's good for
something, for it sets many a poor woman to work. But here comes Miss.
I hope I shall help her into the Holy State too ere long. And when
she's once there, if she don't play her part as well as the best of
'em, I'm mistaken. Han't I lost the letter I'm to give her?----No, here
'tis; so, now we shall see how pure nature will work with her, for art
she knows none yet.
_Enter ~Corinna~._
_Cor._ What does my mother-in-law want with me, _Flippanta_? They tell
me, she was asking for me.
_Flip._ She's just gone out, so I suppose 'twas no great business.
_Cor._ Then I'll go into my chamber again.
_Flip._ Nay, hold a little if you please. I have some business with you
myself, of more concern than what she had to say to you.
_Cor._ Make haste then, for you know my father won't let me keep you
company; he says, you'll spoil me.
_Flip._ I spoil you! He's an unworthy man to give you such ill
impressions of a woman of my honour.
_Cor._ Nay, never take it to heart, _Flippanta_, for I don't believe a
word he says. But he does so plague me with his continual scolding, I'm
almost weary of my life.
_Flip._ Why, what is't he finds fault with?
_Cor._ Nay, I don't know, for I never mind him; when he has babbled for
two hours together, methinks I have heard a mill going, that's all. It
does not at all change my opinion, _Flippanta_, it only makes my head
ache.
_Flip._ Nay, if you can bear it so, you are not to be pity'd so much as
I thought.
_Cor._ Not pity'd! Why is it not a miserable thing, such a young
creature as I am should be kept in perpetual solitude, with no
other company but a parcel of old fumbling masters to teach me
geography, arithmetic, philosophy, and a thousand useless things. Fine
entertainment, indeed, for a young maid at sixteen! methinks one's time
might be better employ'd.
_Flip._ Those things will improve your wit.
_Cor._ Fiddle-faddle; han't I wit enough already? My mother-in-law has
learn'd none of this trumpery, and is not she as happy as the day is
long?
_Flip._ Then you envy her, I find?
_Cor._ And well I may. Does she not do what she has a mind to, in spite
of her husband's teeth?
_Flip._ Look you there now [_Aside._] if she has not already conceived
that, as the supreme blessing of life.
_Cor._ I'll tell you what, _Flippanta_, if my mother-in-law would but
stand by me a little, and encourage me, and let me keep her company,
I'd rebel against my father to-morrow, and throw all my books in the
fire. Why, he can't touch a groat of my portion; do you know that,
_Flippanta_?
_Flip._ So----I shall spoil her. [_Aside._] Pray heaven the girl don't
debauch me.
_Cor._ Look you: In short, he may think what he pleases, he may think
himself wise: but thoughts are free, and I may think in my turn. I'm
but a girl, 'tis true, and a fool too, if you believe him; but let him
know, a foolish girl may make a wise man's heart ache; so he had as
good be quiet--Now it's out----
_Flip._ Very well, I love to see a young woman have spirit, it's a sign
she'll come to something.
_Cor._ Ah, _Flippanta_, if you wou'd but encourage me, you'll find me
quite another thing. I'm a devilish girl in the bottom; I wish you'd
but let me make one amongst you.
_Flip._ That never can be, 'till you are marry'd. Come, examine your
Strength a little. Do you think, you durst venture upon a husband?
_Cor._ A husband! Why a--if you wou'd but encourage me. Come,
_Flippanta_, be a true friend now. I'll give you advice, when I have
got a little more experience. Do you in your very conscience and soul
think I am old enough to be marry'd?
_Flip._ Old enough! Why you are sixteen, are you not?
_Cor._ Sixteen! I am sixteen, two months, and odd days, woman. I keep
an exact account.
_Flip._ The duce you are!
_Cor._ Why do you then truly and sincerely think I am old enough?
_Flip._ I do, upon my faith, child.
_Cor._ Why then, to deal as fairly with you, _Flippanta_, as you do
with me, I have thought so any time these three years.
_Flip._ Now I find you have more wit than ever I thought you had; and
to shew you what an opinion I have of your discretion, I'll shew you a
thing I thought to have thrown in the fire.
_Cor._ What is it, for _Jupiter_'s sake?
_Flip._ Something will make your heart chuck within you.
_Cor._ My dear _Flippanta_!
_Flip._ What do you think it is?
_Cor._ I don't know, nor I don't care, but I'm mad to have it.
_Flip._ It's a four corner'd thing.
_Cor._ What, like a cardinal's cap?
_Flip._ No, 'tis worth a whole conclave of 'em. How do you like it?
[_Shewing the letter._
_Car._ O Lard, a letter!----Is there ever a token in it?
_Flip._ Yes, and a precious one too. There's a handsome young
gentleman's heart.
_Cor._ A handsome young gentleman's heart! [_Aside._] Nay, then 'tis
time to look grave.
_Flip._ There.
_Cor._ I shan't touch it.
_Flip._ What's the matter now?
_Cor._ I shan't receive it.
_Flip._ Sure you jest.
_Cor._ You'll find I don't. I understand myself better, than to take
letters, when I don't know who they are from.
_Flip._ I am afraid I commended your wit too soon.
_Cor._ 'Tis all one, I shan't touch it, unless I know who it comes from.
_Flip._ Hey-day, open it, and you'll see.
_Cor._ Indeed I shall not.
_Flip._ Well----then I must return it where I had it.
_Cor._ That won't serve your turn, madam. My father must have an
account of this.
_Flip._ Sure you are not in earnest?
_Cor._ You'll find I am.
_Flip._ So, here's fine work. This 'tis to deal with girls before they
come to know the distinction of sexes.
_Cor._ Confess who you had it from, and perhaps, for this once, I
mayn't tell my father.
_Flip._ Why then, since it must out, 'twas the Colonel: But why are you
so scrupulous, madam?
_Cor._ Because if it had come from any body else----I would not have
given a farthing for it.
[_Twitching it eagerly out of her hand._
_Flip._ Ah, my dear little rogue! [_Kissing her._] You frighten'd me
out of my wits.
_Cor._ Let me read it, let me read it, let me read it, let me read
it, I say. Um, um, um, _Cupid_'s um, um, um, _Darts_, um, um,
um, _Beauty_, um, _Charms_, um, um, um, _Angel_, um, _Goddess_,
um--[_Kissing the letter._]--um, um, um, um, _truest Lover_, hum, um,
_Eternal Constancy_, um, um, um, _Cruel_, um, um, um, _Racks_, um, um,
_Tortures_, um, um, _fifty Daggers_, um, um, _bleeding Heart_, um, um,
_dead Man_.
Very well, a mighty civil letter, I promise you; not one smutty word in
it: I'll go lock it up in my comb-box.
_Flip._ Well--but what does he say to you?
_Cor._ Not a word of news, _Flippanta_, 'tis all about business.
_Flip._ Does he not tell you he's in love with you?
_Cor._ Ay, but he told me that before.
_Flip._ How so? He never spoke to you.
_Cor._ He sent me word by his eyes.
_Flip._ Did he so? mighty well. I thought you had been to learn that
language.
_Cor._ O, but you thought wrong, _Flippanta_. What, because I don't go
a visiting, and see the world, you think I know nothing. But you should
consider, _Flippanta_, that the more one's alone, the more one thinks;
and 'tis thinking that improves a girl. I'll have you to know, when I
was younger than I am now, by more than I'll boast of, I thought of
things would have made you stare again.
_Flip._ Well, since you are so well versed in your business, I suppose
I need not inform you, that if you don't write your gallant an
answer--he'll die.
_Cor._ Nay, now, _Flippanta_, I confess you tell me something I did not
know before. Do you speak in serious sadness? Are men given to die, if
their mistresses are sour to 'em?
_Flip._ Um----I can't say they all die----No, I can't say they all do;
but truly, I believe it wou'd go very hard with the Colonel.
_Cor._ Lard, I would not have my hands in blood for thousands; and
therefore, _Flippanta_,----if you'll encourage me----
_Flip._ O, by all means an answer.
_Cor._ Well, since you say it then, I'll e'en in and do it, tho' I
protest to you (lest you should think me too forward now) he's the only
man that wears a beard, I'd ink my fingers for. May be, if I marry him,
in a year or two's time I mayn't be so nice.
[_Aside._
[_Exit ~Corinna~._
_Flippanta ~sola~._
Now heaven give him joy: he's like to have a rare wife o'thee.
But where there's money, a man has a plaister to his sore. They
have a blessed time on't, who marry for love. See!--here comes an
example----_Araminta_'s dread lord.
_Enter ~Money-trap~._
_Mon._ Ah, _Flippanta_! How do you do, good _Flippanta_! How do you do?
_Flip._ Thank you, Sir, well, at your service.
_Mon._ And how does the good family, your master, and your fair
mistress? Are they at home?
_Flip._ Neither of them; my master has been gone out these two hours,
and my lady is just gone with your wife.
_Mon._ Well, I won't say I have lost my labour however, as long as I
have met with you, _Flippanta_. For I have wish'd a great while for an
opportunity to talk with you a little. You won't take it amiss, if I
should ask you a few questions?
_Flip._ Provided you leave me to my liberty in my answers. What's this
Cot-quean going to pry into now?
[_Aside._
_Mon._ Pr'ythee, good _Flippanta_, how do your master and mistress live
together?
_Flip._ Live! Why--like man and wife, generally out of humour, quarrel
often, seldom agree, complain of one another; and perhaps have both
reason. In short, 'tis much as 'tis at your house.
_Mon._ Good-lack! but whose side are you generally of?
_Flip._ O' the right side always, my lady's. And if you'll have me give
you my opinion of these matters, Sir, I do not think a husband can ever
be in the right.
_Mon._ Ha!
_Flip._ Little, peeking, creeping, sneaking, stingy, covetous,
cowardly, dirty, cuckoldy things.
_Mon._ Ha!
_Flip._ Fit for nothing but taylors and dry-nurses.
_Mon._ Ha!
_Flip._ A dog in a manger, snarling and biting, to starve gentlemen
with good stomachs.
_Mon._ Ha!
_Flip._ A centry upon pleasure, set to be a plague on lovers, and damn
poor women before their time.
_Mon._ A husband is indeed----
_Flip._ Sir, I say he is nothing----A beetle without wings, a windmill
without sails, a ship in a calm.
_Mon._ Ha!
_Flip._ A bag without money----an empty bottle----dead small beer.
_Mon._ Ha!
_Flip._ A quack without drugs.
_Mon._ Ha!
_Flip._ A lawyer without knavery.
_Mon._ Ha!
_Flip._ A courtier without flattery.
_Mon._ Ha!
_Flip._ A king without an army----or a people with one. Have I drawn
him, Sir?
_Mon._ Why truly, _Flippanta_, I can't deny but there are some general
lines of resemblance. But you know there may be exceptions.
_Flip._ Hark you, Sir, shall I deal plainly with you? Had I got a
husband, I wou'd put him in mind, that he was marry'd as well as I.
Sings.
_For were I the thing call'd a wife,
And my fool grew too fond of his pow'r,
He shou'd look like an ass all his life,
For a prank that I'd play him in an hour._
Tol lol la ra tol lol, _&c._--Do you observe that, Sir?
_Mon._ I do: and think you wou'd be in the right on't. But, pr'ythee,
why dost not give this advice to thy mistress?
_Flip._ For fear it should go round to your wife, Sir, for you know
they are play-fellows.
_Mon._ O, there's no danger of my wife; she knows I'm none of those
husbands.
_Flip._ Are you sure she knows that, Sir?
_Mon._ I'm sure she ought to know it, _Flippanta_, for really I have
but four faults in the world.
_Flip._ And, pray what may they be?
_Mon._ Why I'm a little slovenly, I shift but once a week.
_Flip._ Fough!
_Mon._ I am sometimes out of humour.
_Flip._ Provoking!
_Mon._ I don't give her so much money as she'd have.
_Flip._ Insolent!
_Mon._ And a----perhaps I mayn't be quite so young as I was.
_Flip._ The devil!
_Mon._ O, but then consider how 'tis on her side, _Flippanta_. She
ruins me with washing, is always out of humour, ever wanting money, and
will never be older.
_Flip._ That last article, I must confess, is a little hard upon you.
_Mon._ Ah, _Flippanta_, didst thou but know the daily provocations
I have, thoud'st be the first to excuse my faults. But now I think
on't----Thou art none of my friend, thou dost not love me at all; no,
not at all.
_Flip._ And whither is this little reproach going to lead us now?
_Mon._ You have power over your fair mistress, _Flippanta_.
_Flip._ Sir!
_Mon._ But what then? You hate me.
_Flip._ I understand you not.
_Mon._ There's not a moment's trouble her naughty husband gives her,
but I feel it too.
_Flip._ I don't know what you mean.
_Mon._ If she did but know what part I take in her sufferings----
_Flip._ Mighty obscure.
_Mon._ Well, I'll say no more; but----
_Flip._ All Hebrew.
_Mon._ If thou wou'dst but tell her on't.
_Flip._ Still darker and darker.
_Mon._ I should not be ungrateful.
_Flip._ Ah, now I begin to understand you.
_Mon._ _Flippanta_--there's my purse.
_Flip._ Say no more; now you explain, indeed----You are in love?
_Mon._ Bitterly--and I do swear by all the Gods----
_Flip._ Hold----Spare 'em for another time, you stand in no need of 'em
now. A usurer that parts with his purse, gives sufficient proof of his
sincerity.
_Mon._ I hate my wife, _Flippanta_.
_Flip._ That we'll take upon your bare word.
_Mon._ She's the devil, _Flippanta_.
_Flip._ You like your neighbour's better.
_Mon._ Oh!----an angel.
_Flip._ What pity it is the law don't allow trucking!
_Mon._ If it did, _Flippanta_!
_Flip._ But since it don't, Sir----keep the reins upon your passion:
Don't let your flame rage too high, lest my lady shou'd be cruel, and
it should dry you up to a mummy.
_Mon._ 'Tis impossible she can be so barbarous, to let me die. Alas,
_Flippanta_, a very small matter wou'd save my life.
_Flip._ Then y'are dead--for we women never grant any thing to a man
who will be satisfied with a little.
_Mon._ Dear _Flippanta_, that was only my modesty; but since you'll
have it out----I am a very dragon; and so your lady'll find----if ever
she thinks fit to be----Now I hope you'll stand my friend.
_Flip._ Well, Sir, as far as my credit goes, it shall be employ'd in
your service.
_Mon._ My best _Flippanta_--tell her--I'm all hers--tell her--my body's
hers--tell her--my soul's hers--and tell her--my estate's hers. Lord
have mercy upon me, how I'm in love!
_Flip._ Poor man! what a sweat he's in! But hark--I hear my master; for
heaven's sake compose yourself a little; you are in such a fit, o' my
conscience he'll smell you out.
_Mon._ Ah dear, I'm in such an emotion, I dare not be seen; put me in
this closet for a moment.
_Flip._ Closet, man! it's too little, your love wou'd stifle you. Go
air yourself in the garden a little, you have need on't, i'faith.
[_She puts him out._
_~Flippanta~ sola._
A rare adventure, by my troth. This will be curious news to the wives.
Fortune has now put their husbands into their hands, and I think they
are too sharp to neglect its favours.
_Enter ~Gripe~._
_Gripe._ O, here's the right hand; the rest of the body can't be far
off. Where's my wife, huswife?
_Flip._ An admirable question!----Why, she's gone abroad, Sir.
_Gripe._ Abroad, abroad, abroad already? Why, she uses to be stewing in
her bed three hours after this time, as late as 'tis: What makes her
gadding so soon?
_Flip._ Business, I suppose.
_Gripe._ Business! she has a pretty head for business truly: O ho, let
her change her way of living, or I'll make her change a light heart for
a heavy one.
_Flip._ And why would you have her change her way of living, Sir? You
see it agrees with her. She never look'd better in her life.
_Gripe._ Don't tell me of her looks, I have done with her looks long
since. But I'll make her change her life, or----
_Flip._ Indeed. Sir, you won't.
_Gripe._ Why, what shall hinder me, insolence?
_Flip._ That which hinders most husbands; contradiction.
_Gripe._ Suppose I resolve I won't be contradicted?
_Flip._ Suppose she resolves you shall?
_Gripe._ A wife's resolution is not good by law.
_Flip._ Nor a husband's by custom.
_Gripe._ I tell thee I will not bear it.
_Flip._ I tell you, Sir, you will bear it.
_Gripe._ Oons, I have borne it three years already.
_Flip._ By that you see 'tis but giving your mind to it.
_Gripe._ My mind to it! Death and the devil! My mind to it!
_Flip._ Look ye, Sir, you may swear and damn, and call the furies to
assist you! but 'till you apply the remedy to the right place, you'll
never cure the disease. You fancy you have got an extravagant wife,
is't not so?
_Gripe._ Pr'ythee change me that word fancy, and it is so.
_Flip._ Why there's it. Men are strangely troubled with the vapours of
late. You'll wonder now if I tell you, you have the most reasonable
wife in town: And that all the disorders you think you see in her, are
only here, here, here, in your own head.
[_Thumping his forehead._
_Gripe._ She is then, in thy opinion, a reasonable woman?
_Flip._ By my faith, I think so.
_Gripe._ I shall run mad--Name me an extravagance in the world she is
not guilty of.
_Flip._ Name me an extravagance in the world she is guilty of.
_Gripe._ Come then: Does not she put the whole house in disorder?
_Flip._ Not that I know of, for she never comes into it but to sleep.
_Gripe._ 'Tis very well: Does she employ any one moment of her life in
the government of her family?
_Flip._ She is so submissive a wife, she leaves it entirely to you.
_Gripe._ Admirable! Does she not spend more money in coach-hire, and
chair-hire, than would maintain six children?
_Flip._ She's too nice of your credit to be seen daggling in the
streets.
_Gripe._ Good! Do I set eye on her sometimes in a week together?
_Flip._ That, Sir, is because you are never stirring at the same time;
you keep odd hours; you are always going to bed when she's rising, and
rising just when she's coming to bed.
_Gripe._ Yes, truly, night into day, and day into night, bawdy-house
play, that's her trade; but these are trifles: Has she not lost her
diamond necklace? Answer me to that, Trapes.
_Flip._ Yes; and has sent as many tears after it, as if it had been her
husband.
_Gripe._ Ah----the pox take her; but enough. 'Tis resolv'd, and I will
put a stop to the course of her life, or I will put a stop to the
course of her blood, and so she shall know, the first time I meet with
her; [_Aside._] which tho' we are man and wife, and lie under one roof,
'tis very possible may not be this fortnight.
[_Exit ~Gripe~._
_~Flippanta~ sola._
Nay, thou hast a blessed time on't, that must be confess'd. What a
miserable devil is a husband! Insupportable to himself, and a plague
to every thing about them. Their wives do by them, as children do by
dogs, teaze and provoke 'em, 'till they make them so curs'd, they snarl
and bite at every thing that comes in their reach. This wretch here is
grown perverse to that degree, he's for his wife's keeping home, and
making hell of his house, so he may be the devil in it to torment her.
How niggardly soever he is of all things he possesses, he is willing to
purchase her misery at the expence of his own peace. But he'd as good
be still, for he'll miss of his aim. If I know her (which I think I do)
she'll set his blood in such a ferment, it shall bubble out at every
pore of him; whilst hers is so quiet in her veins, her pulse shall go
like a pendulum.
[_Exit._
+ACT+ III.
+SCENE+, _Mrs._ Amlet's _House_.
_Enter ~Dick~._
Where's this old woman?----A hey. What the devil, nobody at home?
Ha! her strong box!----And the key in't! 'tis so. Now fortune be my
friend. What the duce----Not a penny of money in cash!----Nor a chequer
note!----Nor a Bank bill----[_Searching the strong box._]----Nor a
crooked stick! Nor a----Mum----here's something----A diamond necklace,
by all the Gods! Oons the old woman----Zest.
[_Claps the necklace in his pocket, then runs and asks her
blessing._]
_Enter Mrs. ~Amlet~._
----Pray mother, pray to, _&c._
_Aml._ Is it possible!----_Dick_ upon his humble knee! Ah my dear
child!----May heaven be good unto thee.
_Dick._ I'm come, my dear mother, to pay my duty to you, and to ask
your consent to----
_Aml._ What a shape is there!
_Dick._ To ask your consent, I say, to marry a great fortune; for what
is riches in this world without a blessing? And how can there be a
blessing without respect and duty to parents?
_Aml._ What a nose he has!
_Dick._ And therefore it being the duty of every good child not to
dispose of himself in marriage, without the----
_Aml._ Now the Lord love thee [_Kissing him._]----for thou art a goodly
young man: Well, Dick----And how goes it with the lady? Are her eyes
open to thy charms? Does she see what's for her own good? Is she
sensible of the blessings thou hast in store for her? Ha! is all sure?
Hast thou broke a piece of money with her? Speak, bird, do: Don't be
modest, and hide thy love from thy mother, for I'm an indulgent parent.
_Dick._ Nothing under heaven can prevent my good fortune, but its being
discover'd I'm your son----
_Aml._ Then thou art still asham'd of thy natural mother.--Graceless!
Why, I'm no whore, sirrah.
_Dick._ I know you are not----A whore! Bless us all----
_Aml._ No; My reputation's as good as the best of 'em; and tho' I'm
old, I'm chaste, you rascal you.
_Dick._ Lord, that is not the thing we talk of, mother; but----
_Aml._ I think, as the world goes, they may be proud of marrying their
daughter into a vartuous family.
_Dick._ Oons, vartue is not the case----
_Aml._ Where she may have a good example before her eyes.
_Dick._ O Lord! O Lord! O Lord!
_Aml._ I'm a woman that don't so much as encourage an incontinent look
towards me.
_Dick._ I tell you, 'sdeath, I tell you----
_Aml._ If a man shou'd make an uncivil motion to me, I'd spit in his
lascivious face: And all this you may tell them, sirrah.
_Dick._ Death and furies! the woman's out of her--
_Aml._ Don't you swear, you rascal you, don't you swear; we shall have
thee damn'd at last, and then I shall be disgrac'd.
_Dick._ Why then in cold blood hear me speak to you: I tell you it's
a city-fortune I'm about, she cares not a fig for your virtue; she'll
hear of nothing but quality: She has quarrell'd with one of her friends
for having a better complexion, and is resolved she'll marry, to take
place of her.
_Aml._ What a cherry lip is there!
_Dick._ Therefore, good dear mother, now have a care and don't discover
me; for if you do, all's lost.
_Aml._ Dear, dear, how thy fair bride will be delighted: Go, get
thee gone, go: Go fetch her home, go fetch her home; I'll give her a
sack-posset, and a pillow of down she shall lay her head upon. Go fetch
her home, I say.
_Dick._ Take care then of the main chance, my dear mother; remember, if
you discover me----
_Aml._ Go, fetch her home, I say.
_Dick._ You promise me then----
_Aml._ March.
_Dick._ But swear to me----
_Aml._ Be gone, sirrah.
_Dick._ Well, I'll rely upon you--But one kiss before I go.
[_Kisses her heartily, and runs off._
_Aml._ Now the Lord love thee! for thou art a comfortable young man.
[_Exit Mrs. ~Amlet~._
+SCENE+, Gripe's _House_.
_Enter ~Corinna~ and ~Flippanta~._
_Cor._ But hark you, _Flippanta_, if you don't think he loves me
dearly, don't give him my letter, after all.
_Flip._ Let me alone.
_Cor._ When he has read it, let him give it you again.
_Flip._ Don't trouble yourself.
_Cor._ And not a word of the pudding to my mother-in-law.
_Flip._ Enough.
_Cor._ When we come to love one another to the purpose, she shall know
all.
_Flip._ Ay, then 'twill be time.
_Cor._ But remember 'tis you make me do all this now, so if any
mischief comes on't, 'tis you must answer for't.
_Flip._ I'll be your security.
_Cor._ I'm young, and know nothing of the matter; but you have
experience, so it's your business to conduct me safe.
_Flip._ Poor innocence!
_Cor._ But tell me in serious sadness, _Flippanta_, does he love me
with the very soul of him?
_Flip._ I have told you so an hundred times, and yet you are not
satisfied.
_Cor._ But, methinks, I'd fain have him tell me so himself.
_Flip._ Have patience, and it shall be done.
_Cor._ Why, patience is a virtue; that we must all confess----But I
fancy, the sooner it's done the better, _Flippanta_.
_Enter ~Jessamin~._
_Jess._ Madam, yonder's your Geography-Master waiting for you.
[_Exit._
_Cor._ Ah! how I am tir'd with these old fumbling fellows, _Flippanta_.
_Flip._ Well, don't let 'em break your heart, you shall be rid of them
all ere long.
_Cor._ Nay, 'tis not the study I'm so weary of, _Flippanta_, 'tis the
odious thing that teaches me. Were the Colonel my master, I fancy I
could take pleasure in learning every thing he could shew me.
_Flip._ And he can shew you a great deal, I can tell you that. But get
you gone in, here's somebody coming, we must not be seen together.
_Cor._ I will, I will, I will----O the dear Colonel.
[_Running off._
_Enter Mrs. ~Amlet~._
_Flip._ O ho, it's Mrs. _Amlet_----What brings you so soon to us again,
Mrs. _Amlet_?
_Aml._ Ah! my dear Mrs. _Flippanta_, I'm in a furious fright.
_Flip._ Why, what's come to you?
_Aml._ Ah! Mercy on us all----Madam's diamond necklace----
_Flip._ What of that?
_Aml._ Are you sure you left it at my house?
_Flip._ Sure I left it! a very pretty question truly!
_Aml._ Nay, don't be angry; say nothing to madam of it, I beseech you:
It will be found again, if it be heaven's good will. At least 'tis I
must bear the loss on't. 'Tis my rogue of a son has laid his birdlime
fingers on't.
_Flip._ Your son, Mrs. _Amlet_! Do you breed your children up to such
tricks as these then?
_Aml._ What shall I say to you, Mrs. _Flippanta_? Can I help it? He has
been a rogue from his cradle, _Dick_ has. But he has his deserts too.
And now it comes in my head, mayhap he may have no ill design in this
neither.
_Flip._ No ill design, woman! He's a pretty fellow if he can steal a
diamond necklace with a good one.
_Aml._ You don't know him, Mrs. _Flippanta_, so well as I that bore
him. _Dick_'s a rogue, 'tis true, but----Mum----
_Flip._ What does the woman mean?
_Aml._ Hark you, Mrs. _Flippanta_, is not here a young gentlewoman in
your house that wants a husband?
_Flip._ Why do you ask?
_Aml._ By way of conversation only, it does not concern me; but when
she marries I may chance to dance at the wedding. Remember I tell you
so: I who am but Mrs. _Amlet_.
_Flip._ You dance at her wedding! you!
_Aml._ Yes, I, I; but don't trouble madam about her necklace, perhaps
it mayn't go out of the family. Adieu, Mrs. _Flippanta_.
[_Exit Mrs. ~Amlet~._
_Flip._ What--what--what does the woman mean? Mad! What a capilotade of
a story's here? The necklace lost; and her son Dick; and a fortune to
marry; and she shall dance at the wedding; and----She does not intend,
I hope, to propose a match between her son _Dick_ and _Corinna_! By my
conscience I believe she does. An old beldam!
_Enter ~Brass~._
_Brass._ Well, hussy, how stand our affairs? Has miss writ us an answer
yet? My master's very impatient yonder.
_Flip._ And why the duce does he not come himself? What does he send
such idle fellows as thee of his errands? Here I had her alone just
now: He won't have such an opportunity again this month, I can tell him
that.
_Brass._ So much the worse for him; 'tis his business----But now, my
dear, let thee and I talk a little of our own: I grow most damnably in
love with thee; dost hear that?
_Flip._ Phu! thou art always timeing things wrong; my head is full, at
present, of more important things than love.
_Brass._ Then it's full of important things indeed: Dost want a
privy-counsellor?
_Flip._ I want an assistant.
_Brass._ To do what?
_Flip._ Mischief.
_Brass._ I'm thy man----touch.
_Flip._ But before I venture to let thee into my project, pr'ythee tell
me, whether thou find'st a natural disposition to ruin a husband to
oblige his wife?
_Brass._ Is she handsome?
_Flip._ Yes.
_Brass._ Why then my disposition's at her service.
_Flip._ She's beholden to thee.
_Brass._ Not she alone neither, therefore don't let her grow vain
upon't; for I have three or four affairs of that kind going at this
time.
_Flip._ Well, go carry this epistle from miss to thy master; and when
thou com'st back, I'll tell thee thy business.
_Brass._ I'll know it before I go, if you please.
_Flip._ Thy master waits for an answer.
_Brass._ I'd rather he should wait than I.
_Flip._ Why then, in short, _Araminta_'s husband is in love with my
lady.
_Brass._ Very well, child, we have a _Rowland_ for her _Oliver_: Thy
lady's husband is in love with _Araminta_.
_Flip._ Who told you that, sirrah?
_Brass._ 'Tis a negociation I am charged with, Pert. Did not I tell
thee I did business for half the town? I have managed Master _Gripe_'s
little affairs for him these ten years, you slut you.
_Flip._ Hark thee, _Brass_, the game's in our hands, if we can but play
the cards.
_Brass._ Pique and repique, you jade you, if the wives will fall into a
good intelligence.
_Flip._ Let them alone; I'll answer for them they don't slip the
occasion.----See here they come. They little think what a piece of good
news we have for 'em.
_Enter ~Clarissa~ and ~Araminta~._
_Clar._ _Jessamin_! here, boy, carry up these things into my
dressing-room, and break as many of them by the way as you can, be
sure.----O! art thou there, _Brass_! What news?
_Brass._ Madam, I only call'd in as I was going by----But some little
propositions Mrs. _Flippanta_ has been starting have kept me here to
offer your ladyship my humble service.
_Clar._ What propositions?
_Brass._ She'll acquaint you, madam.
_Aram._ Is there any thing new, _Flippanta_?
_Flip._ Yes, and pretty too.
_Clar._ That follows of course, but let's have it quick.
_Flip._ Why, Madam, you have made a conquest.
_Clar._ Hussy----But of who? quick.
_Flip._ Of Mr. _Money-trap_, that's all.
_Aram._ My husband?
_Flip._ Yes, your husband, Madam: You thought fit to corrupt ours, so
now we are even with you.
_Aram._ Sure thou art in jest, _Flippanta_.
_Flip._ Serious as my devotions.
_Brass._ And the cross intrigue, ladies, is what our brains have been
at work about.
_Aram._ My dear!
[_To ~Clarissa~._
_Clar._ My life!
_Aram._ My angel!
_Clar._ My soul!
[_Hugging one another._
_Aram._ The stars have done this.
_Clar._ The pretty little twinklers.
_Flip._ And what will you do for them now?
_Clar._ What grateful creatures ought; shew 'em we don't despise their
favours.
_Aram._ But is not this a wager between these two blockheads?
_Clar._ I would not give a shilling to go the winner's halves.
_Aram._ Then 'tis the most fortunate thing that ever cou'd have
happen'd.
_Clar._ All your last night's ideas, _Araminta_, were trifles to it.
_Aram._ _Brass_, my dear, will be useful to us.
_Brass._ At your service, Madam.
_Clar._ _Flippanta_ will be necessary, my life!
_Flip._ She waits your commands, Madam.
_Aram._ For my part then, I recommend my husband to thee, _Flippanta_,
and make it my earnest request thou won't leave him one half-crown.
_Flip._ I'll do all I can to obey you, Madam.
_Brass._ [_To ~Clarissa~._] If your ladyship wou'd give me the same
kind orders for yours.
_Clar._ O----if thou spar'st him, _Brass_, I'm thy enemy till I die.
_Brass._ 'Tis enough, Madam, I'll be sure to give you a reasonable
account of him. But how do you intend we shall proceed, ladies? Must
we storm the purse at once, or break ground in form, and carry it by
little and little?
_Clar._ Storm, dear _Brass_, storm: ever whilst you live, storm.
_Aram._ O by all means; must it not be so, _Flippanta_?
_Flip._ In four and twenty hours, two hundred pounds a-piece, that's my
sentence.
_Brass._ Very well. But, ladies, you'll give me leave to put you in
mind of some little expence in favours, 'twill be necessary you are at,
to these honest gentlemen.
_Aram._ Favours, _Brass_!
_Brass._ Um----a----some small matters, Madam, I doubt must be.