"Bluebeard!"
* * * * *
[Illustration: HER FIRST WASP
_Poor Effie (who has been stung)._ "First it walked about all over my
hand, and it _was_ so nice! But oh!--_when it sat down_!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: VERY NATURAL.--"Vell, and vat to you sink tit happen to
me at Matame Tussaud's de oder tay? A laty dook me for vun of de vax
vickers, and agdually abbollochised vor her misdake!"
"O what fun, Mr. Schmitz! And was it in the Chamber of Horrors?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: TRUE DISTINCTION.--
_Mamma (improving the occasion)._ "I like your new suit immensely,
Gerald! But you must recollect that it's not the coat that makes the
gentleman!"
_Gerald._ "No, mamma! I know it's the _hat_!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration:
_Little Montague._ "I was awake when Santa Claus came, dad!"
_Father._ "Were you? And what was he like, eh?"
_Little Montague._ "Oh, I couldn't see him--it was dark, you know. But
when he bumped himself on the washstand he said----"
_Father (hastily)._ "There, that'll do, Monty. Run away and play!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A RARA AVIS.--_Little Girl (finishing her description of
the Battle of Cressy)._ "And ever since then the Prince of Wales has
been born with feathers!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A HEAD FOR BUSINESS.--
_Mamma._ "I meant to give you a threepenny bit this morning, Bobby, but
in my hurry I think I gave you sixpence, so----"
_Bobby._ "Yes, mummy, but I haven't spent it all yet. So will you give
it me to-morrow?"
_Mamma._ "Give you what, dear?"
_Bobby._ "The threepenny bit you _meant_ to give me to-day!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE CHILD OF THE PERIOD
"Why did that policeman touch his hat to you, aunty? Have you got one as
well as nurse?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: BEFORE THE HEAD
_Fourth Form Boy (with recollections of a recent visit to the dentist)._
"Please, sir, may I--may I--have gas?"]
* * * * *
ADDING INSULT TO INJURY.--"Mamma, _isn't_ it very wicked to do behind
one's back what one wouldn't do before one's face?"
"Certainly, Effie!"
"Well, baby bit my finger when I was looking another way!"
* * * * *
[Illustration: "BY AUTHORITY."--_Street Boy (sternly)._ "P'lice-Serge'nt
says as you're t' have your door-way swep' immediat'; an' (_more
meekly_) me an' my mate's willin' to do it, s'!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Old Gentleman (who has received a present of butter from
one of his tenants)._ "And how does your mother make all these beautiful
patterns on the pats, my dear?"
_Messenger._ "_Wiv our comb, sir!_"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A FATAL OBJECTION
"Mother, are the Wondergilts very rich?" "Yes, Silvia, very." "Mother, I
hope we shall never be rich?" "Why, darling?" "It must be so very
expensive!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Lady._ "Have you lost yourself, little boy?"
_Little Boy._ "No--boo-hoo--I've found a street I don't know!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "ENFANT TERRIBLE"
"I've brought you a glass of wine, Mr. Professor. _Please_ drink it!"
"Vat! Pefore tinner? Ach, vy?"
"Because mummy says you drink like a fish, and I want to see you----!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION
"Come and 'ave a look, Marier. They've been and put a chick on a lidy's
'at, and they don't know 'ow to spell it!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "WELL OUT OF IT"
_Uncle._ "And you love your enemies, Ethel?"
_Ethel (promptly)._ "Yeth, uncle."
_Uncle._ "And who are your enemies, dear?"
_Ethel (in an awful whisper)._ "The dev----"
[_The old gentleman doesn't see his way further, and drops the
subject._]
* * * * *
[Illustration: OUR CHILDREN
_Nurse._ "You dreadful children! Where _have_ you been?"
_Young Hopeful._ "Oh, nursie, we've been trying to drown those dear
little ducks, but they _will_ come to the top!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Auntie._ "Do you know you are playing with two very
naughty little boys, Johnny?"
_Johnny._ "Yes."
_Auntie._ "You do! I'm surprised. Why don't you play with good little
boys?"
_Johnny._ "Because their mothers won't let them!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: TAKING TIME BY THE FORELOCK
_Gwendoline._ "Uncle George says every woman ought to have a profession,
and I think he's quite right!"
_Mamma._ "Indeed! And what profession do you mean to choose?"
_Gwendoline._ "I mean to be a professional beauty!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: EXPERIENTIA DOCET.--_Master George (whispers)._ "I say!
Kitty! Has mamma been telling you she'd give you '_a lovely spoonful of
delicious currant jelly, O so nice, so VERY nice_'?" _Miss Kitty._ "Ess
Cullen' jelly! O so ni', so welly ni'!" _Master George._ "THEN DON'T
TAKE IT!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: EVIL COMMUNICATIONS &c.--_Elder of Twins._ "It's _very_
vulgar to say 'you be _blowed_' to each other, like those men do. Isn't
it, Uncle Fred?"
_Uncle Fred._ "I believe it _is_ generally considered so, my dear!"
_Elder of Twins._ "Yes, indeed! Ethel and I, you know, _we_ always say,
'you be _blown_!'"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: MENS CONSCIA.--_Inspector_ (_who notices a backwardness
in history_). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (_No answer._)
_Inspector_ (_more urgently_). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (_No answer_.)
_Inspector_ (_angrily_). "Who signed Magna Charta?"
_Scapegrace_ (_thinking matters are beginning to look serious_).
"Please, sir, 'twasn't me, sir!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "TROP DE ZELE!"--(_Tommy, a conscientious boy, has been
told that he must remain perfectly still, as his mamma wants to take a
nap._) (_Tommy in the middle of the nap_). "Mamma! Mamma! what shall I
do? _I want to cough!_"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: TENDER CONSIDERATION
"Oh, _don't_ make faces at him, Effie! It might _frighten_ him, you
know!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "BY PROXY".
_Humorous Little Boy._ "Plea' sir, will you ring the bottom bell but
one, four times, sir?"
_Old Gent_ (_gouty, and a little deaf, but so fond o' children_).
"Bottom bell but one, four times, my boy?" (_Effusively._) "Certainly,
that I will!"
[_In the meantime off go the boys, and, at the
third peal, the irritable old lady on the ground floor----Tableau!_]
* * * * *
[Illustration: NEWS FROM HOME.--_Aunt Mary._ "I've just had a letter
from your papa, Geoffrey. He says you've got a little brother, who'll be
a nice companion for you some day!"
_Geoffrey._ "Oh!----does mummy know?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: UTILE CUM DULCI
_Arry._ "Ain't yer comin' along with me, Bill?"
_Piscator_ (_the Doctor's Boy_). "No, I _ain't_ a comin' along with you,
I tell yer! I'm a runnin' on a errand."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: ZOOLOGY. (_It appears to be coming to that at the Board
Schools._)--_Examiner_ (_to small aspirant to the twenty-fourth
standard_). "Can you tell me anything peculiar about the cuckoo, in
regard to nesting?"
_Student._ "Yes, sir. Please, sir, he don't lay his own eggs hisself,
sir!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THEIR FIRST VISIT TO THE ZOO
_Tommy._ "Them ain't donkeys, Billy?"
_Billy._ "Yus, they is! They're donkeys with their football jerseys
on!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A SPOILT STORY.--_Brown_ (_in the middle of tall shooting
story_). "Hardly had I taken aim at the lion on my right, when I heard a
rustle in the jungle grass, and perceived an enormous tiger approaching
on my left. I now found myself on the horns of a dilemma!" _Interested
Little Boy._ "Oh, and which did you shoot first--the lion, or the tiger,
or the d'lemma?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Uncle_ (_about to start for a concert at Marine
Pavilion_). "But, my dear Nora, you don't surely propose to go without
your shoes and stockings?"
_Nora._ "I'm in evening dress, uncle--only it's the other end."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE TERTIUM QUID.--"Do you know, Mabel, I believe if I
weren't here, Captain Spooner would kiss you."
"Leave the room this instant, you impertinent little boy!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A CLINCHER.--"Get up, and see the time, Eva. I don't know
how to tell it."
"No more do I."
"O, you horrid story-teller, I taught you myself!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES
"What! _all_ that for grandpa."
"No, darling. It's for you."
"Oh! what a little bit!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: BRUSHING PA'S NEW HAT
_Edith._ "Now, Tommy, you keep turning slowly, till we've done it all
round."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Mother._ "But, Jacky, I don't think a clock-work engine
would be a good toy for you to give baby. He's such a little thing, he'd
only break it."
_Jacky._ "Oh, but, mother, I'd _promise_ you I'd never let him even
_touch_ it!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE FESTIVE SEASON
_Precocious Infant._ "Help yourself, and pass the bottle!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: DIFFERENT POINTS OF VIEW.--_Maud_ (_with much sympathy in
her voice_). "Only fancy, mamma, Uncle Jack took us to a picture gallery
in Bond Street, and there we saw a picture of a lot of early christians,
poor dears, who'd been thrown to a lot of lions and tigers, who were
devouring them!"
_Ethel_ (_with still more sympathy_). "Yes, and mamma dear, there was
_one_ poor tiger that _hadn't got_ a christian!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Mother_ (_to son, who has been growing rather free of
speech_). "Tommy, if you promise not to say 'hang it!' again, I'll give
you sixpence."
_Tommy._ "All right, ma. But I know another word that's worth
half-a-crown!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: BETWEEN THE ACTS
_Governess._ "Well, Marjorie, have you done crying?"
_Marjorie._ "No--I haven't. I'm only _resting_!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A WISE CHILD.--_Inspector._ "Suppose I lent your father
L100 in June, and he promised to pay me back L10 on the first of every
month, how much would he owe me at the end of the year? Now think well
before you answer."
_Pupil._ "L100, sir."
_Inspector._ "You're a very ignorant little girl. You don't know the
most elementary rules of arithmetic!"
_Pupil._ "Ah, sir, but you don't know father!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: CONSCIENTIOUSNESS.--_Miss Fitzogre._ "Well, good-bye,
Percival, and be a good boy!"
_Percival_ (_a very good boy, who has just been specially warned not to
make personal remarks about people in their presence_). "Good-bye, I'll
not tell nurse what I think of your nose till you're gone!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Porter._ "Why is the little girl crying, missie?"
_Little Girl._ "'Cos' she has put her penny in there, and no choc'late
nor nuffing's come'd out!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: NOT UNLIKELY
"Well, well! And was baby frightened of his daddy den!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Dorothy_ (_who has found a broken nest-egg_). "Oh,
mummy, what a pity! My black hen will never be able to lay any more
eggs. She's broken the pattern!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: WASTED SYMPATHY
_Kind-hearted Lady._ "Poor child! What a dreadfully swollen cheek you
have! Is it a tooth?"
_Poor Child_ (_with difficulty_). "No 'm--it's a sweet!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL
"I'll tell you something, Miss Bullion. My sister Maud's going to marry
your brother Dick. But don't say anything about it, 'cos he doesn't know
it himself yet!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Softly._ "Yes, I was b-b-orn with a s-s-s-ilver s-s-poon
in my m-m-m-outh."
_Kitty._ "Oh, Mr. Softly, is that why you stutter?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: WELL UP IN HER MYTHOLOGY.--_Tommy._ "Madge, what's
'_necessitas_,' masculine or feminine?"
_Madge._ "Why, feminine, of course."
_Tommy._ "Why?"
_Madge._ "Why, she was the mother of invention."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: WHAT TOMMY OVERHEARD
_Mrs. Jinks._ "That's Signor Scrapeski just passed. He plays the violin
like an angel."
_Tommy._ "Mummy, dear, do the angels say 'dam' when a string breaks?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: QUESTION AND ANSWER
_Mamma._ "Who was the first man, 'Lina?"
_'Lina._ "I forget."
_Mamma._ "Already? Why, Adam, to be sure! And who was the first woman?"
_'Lina_ (_after a thoughtful pause_). "Madam!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: SHEER IGNORANCE
_Benevolent Person._ "Come, my little man, you musn't cry like that!"
_Boy._ "Garn! 'Ow am I to cry then?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "I say, Billie, teacher says as if we 'angs our stockings
up on C'ris'mas Eve, Santa Claus'll fill 'em with presents!"
"It'll take 'im all 'is time to fill _mine_. I 'aven't got no foots in
'em!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: ON HIS DIGNITY.--_Sam._ "Mamma bought me a pair of gloves
yesterday."
_Auntie._ "Really! What are they? Kids?"
_Sam._ "No, they're men's."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Sharp_ (_but vulgar_) _little boy_. "Hallo, missus, wot
are those?"
_Old Woman._ "Twopence."
_Boy._ "What a lie! They're apples."
[_Exit, whistling popular air_.]
* * * * *
A DIFFICULT CASE.--_Mamma._ You're a very naughty boy, Tommy, and I
shall have to buy a whip, and give you a good whipping. _Now_ will you
be good?
_Tommy_ (_with hesitation_). Shall I be allowed to keep the whip after,
mammy?
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Old Gent._ "Do you know what a lie is, sir?"
_Little Boy._ "Oh, don't I, jest; I tells lots of 'em."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Old Lady._ "No, thanks. I don't want any for the garden
today."
_Boy._ "Well, then, can we sing yer some Christmas carols instead?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: OVERHEARD IN BOND STREET
"Which of 'em would yer 'ave for a muvver, Billy?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: EXPERIENTIA DOCET
"And are _you_ going to give me something for my birthday, aunty Maud?"
"Of course, darling."
"Then _don't_ let it be _something useful_!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Mamma._ "You mustn't bowl your hoop in the front on
Sunday. You must go into the back garden."
_Tommy._ "Isn't it Sunday in the back garden, mamma?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A PROTEST
"And pray, am I _never_ to be naughty, Miss Grimm?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A NEW TEST
_Aunt_ (_in alarm_). "_Surely_ you've eaten enough, haven't you, Tommy?"
_Tommy_ (_in doubt_). "F-f-f-feel me!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Bilious Old Uncle._ "I'm delighted to see this fall; it
will give that dreadful boy chilblains, and he'll be laid up out of
mischief."]
* * * * *
SUNDAY SCHOOLING.--_Teacher._ What does one mean by "Heaping coals of
fire on someone's head" now, Harry Hawkins?
_Harry Hawkins._ Givin' it 'im 'ot, teacher!
* * * * *
_Auntie._ Do you love the chickens, dear?
_Dolly._ Yes, Auntie. But I do wish this big one hadn't such a funny
laugh!
* * * * *
[Illustration: Occupation of "that dreadful boy" at the same period.]
* * * * *
CHRONOLOGY.--_Old Gentleman_ ("_putting a few questions_"). Now,
boys--ah--can any of you tell me what commandment Adam broke when he
took the forbidden fruit?
_Small Scholar_ ("_like a shot_"). Please, sir, th'worn't no
commandments then, sir!
[_Questioner sits corrected._]
* * * * *