A weakness seizes on my mind--I would more pudding take;
But all in vain--I feel--I feel--my little head will ache.
Oh! that I might alone be left, to rest where now I am,
And finish with a piece of bread that pot of currant-jam.
I gaze upon the cake with tears, and wildly I deplore
That I must take a powder if I touch a morsel more,
Or oil of castor, smoothly bland, will offer'd be to me,
In wave pellucid, floating on a cup of milkless tea.
It may be so--I cannot tell--I yet may do without;
They need not know, when left alone, what I have been about.
I long to cut that potted beef--to taste that apple-pie;
I long--I long to eat some more, but have not strength to try.
I gasp for breath, and now I know I've eaten far too much;
Not one more crumb of all the feast before me can I touch!
Susan, oh! Susan ring the bell, and call for mother, dear.
My brain swims round--I feel it all--mother, your child is queer!
* * * * *
_Alix_ (_aged five, to parent who has been trying to inspire her with
loyal sentiments_). And was the Queen weally named after me?
* * * * *
[Illustration: A Toothsome Morsel.--
_Distracted Nurse._ "Gracious, children, what _are_ you doing?"
_Children._ "Oh, we've put the meat cover on grandpa's head to keep the
flies off him!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "Drat the boy! What have you got that string tied on that
fowl's leg for?"
"'Tain't our fowl, muvver!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Snooks_ (_who fancies himself very much_). "What's she
crying for?"
_Arabella._ "It's all right, sir. She was frightened. When she saw _you_
she thought it was a _man_!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: BLASE
_Kitty_ (_reading a fairy tale_). "'Once upon a time there was a
frog----'"
_Mabel_ (_interrupting_). "I bet it's a princess! Go on!"]
* * * * *
PHYSICS.--"Now, George, before you go and play, are you quite sure you
know the lesson Professor Borax gave you to learn?"
"O, yes, mamma!"
"Well, now, what causes heat without light?"
"Pickles!"
* * * * *
_Mother._ Well, Dorothy, would you like your egg poached or boiled?
_Dorothy_ (_after weighing the question_). Which is the most, mother?
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE ADVANTAGES OF EDUCATION
_Small Boy._ "Look 'ere, Mawrd! I reckon the chap as keeps this shop
ain't bin to school lately; 'e spells '_'all_' with a _haitch_!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "GETTING ON."
"Well, Tommy, how are you getting on at school?"
"First-rate. I ain't doing so well as some of the other boys, though I
can stand on my head; but I have to put my feet against the wall. I want
to do it without the wall at all!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: LAYING DOWN THE LAW.--
_Lady_ (_entertaining friend's little girl_). "Do you take sugar,
darling?"
_The Darling._ "Yes, please."
_Lady._ "How many lumps?"
_The Darling._ "Oh, about seven; and when I'm out to tea I start with
cake."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Tommy._ "I say, Elsie, if you like, I'll come and see
you every day while you are ill."]
* * * * *
"A SOFT ANSWER," &c.--_Mamma_. You are very naughty children, and I am
extremely dis-satisfied with you all!
_Tommy._ That _is_ a pity, mamma! We're all so thoroughly satisfied with
_you_, you know!
* * * * *
COMPREHENSIVE.--_Preceptor._ Now, can any of you tell me anything
remarkable in the life of Moses?
_Boy._ Yes, sir. He was the only man who broke all the commandments at
once!
* * * * *
[Illustration: A BARGAIN.
"I say, Bobby, just give us a shove with this 'ere parcel on to this
'ere truck, and next time yer runs me in, _I'll go quiet_!"]
* * * * *
LITTLE MISS LOGIC.--_Little Dot_ (_to Eminent Professor of Chemistry_).
Are you a chemist?
_Eminent Professor._ Yes, my dear.
_L. D._ Have you got a shop with lovely large, coloured bottles in the
window?
_E. P._ No, my dear; I don't keep a shop.
_L. D._ Don't you? Then I suppose you don't sell Jones's Jubilee Cough
Jujubes?
_E. P._ No, my dear, I certainly do not.
_L. D._ (_decidedly_). I don't think I ought to talk to you any more.
You can't be a respectable chemist.
_E. P._ Why not, my dear?
_L. D._ 'Cos it says on the box, "Sold by all _respectable_ chemists."
* * * * *
AT THE SCHOOL TREAT.--_Lady Helper_ (_to Small Boy_). Will you have some
more bread-and-butter?
_Small Boy._ No fear, when there's kike about.
_Lady Helper_ (_trying to be kind_). Cake, certainly! Will you have plum
or seed?
_Small Boy._ Plum, in course. D'ye tike me for a canary?
* * * * *
[Illustration: A QUESTION OF HEREDITY
_Hal._ "Is there anything the matter with this egg, Martha?"
_Martha._ "Oh no, it's only a little cracked."
_Hal._ "Oh! Then would the chicken that came out of it be a little
mad?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: NATURAL HISTORY.--"Oh, _look_, mummie! Now it's left off
raining, he's come out of his kennel!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: SENSIBLE CHILD.--"Well, Jacky, and did you hang up your
stocking for Santa Claus to fill?"
"No. I hanged up muvver's!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "Look what I've bought you for a Christmas box!"]
* * * * *
HAD HIM THERE.--_Uncle Jim._ Here's half a mince pie for you, Tommy. I
need hardly remind a person of your classical culture that "_the half is
greater than the whole_!"
_Tommy._ Quite so, uncle. But, as I'm not very hungry, I'll only take a
whole one.
* * * * *
AN EYE TO THE MAIN CHANCE.--_The Major._ You're a very nice fellow,
Tommy! Don't most people tell you so?
_Tommy._ Yes, they does. And they often gives me something!
* * * * *
[Illustration: LOST, OR, LUCID INFORMATION
_Kind-hearted Old Gent._ "There, there, don't cry! What's your name and
where do you live!"
_Chorus._ "Boohoo! We'se Doolie's twins."]
* * * * *
"SANCTA SIMPLICITAS."--"Auntie, ought Bertie Wilson to have _smiled_ so
often at me in church?"
"No, dear. Where was he sitting?"
"Behind me."
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Philanthropic Old Lady_ (_to little boy caressing dog_).
"That is right, little boy, always be kind to animals."
_Little Boy._ "Yes, 'm. I'll have this tin can tied to his tail soon's
I've got him quiet."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "Poor likkle doggie--hasn't got any fevvers on!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Master Tom._ "Wish I could catch a cold just before
Christmas."
_Effie._ "Why?"
_Master Tom._ "Well, ma's always sayin', 'feed a cold.' Wouldn't I?
_Just!_"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "_Please_, auntie, _may_ I have the fairy off the
Christmas tree--_if I don't ask you for it_?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Shocked Mother._ "Oh, Tommy! What have you been doing?"
_Tommy_ (_who has just returned from the first day of a preliminary
course at the village school_). "Fighting with Billy Brown."
_Mother._ "That horrid boy at the farm? Don't you _ever_ quarrel with
him again!"
_Tommy._ "I ain't likely to. He can _lick_ me!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: RUDIMENTS OF ECONOMY
"May I _leave_ this piece of bread, nurse?"
"Certainly not, Miss May. It's dreadful wasteful! and the day may come
when you'll _want_ a piece of bread!"
"Then I'd better _keep_ this piece of bread till I _do_ want it, nurse.
Hadn't I?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: BLUE FEVER.--_Visitor_ (_after a long discourse on the
virtues of temperance_). "I'm glad to see a little boy here wearing the
blue ribbon. That's a good little fellow. Persevere in your good----"
_Billie Groggins._ "Please, sir, I'm _Hoxford_!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "Oh! just ain't people proud what have got pairasoles."]
* * * * *
A DISCUSSION ON DIET.--_Little Chris_ (_to little Kate_.) Does your
governess get ill on mince pies?
_Little Kate._ I don't know! Why?
_Little Chris._ 'Cause mine does. At dinner to-day she said, "If you eat
any more of that pastry, I know you'll be ill." So she _must_ have been
so herself.
[_Conference broken up by arrival of the lady in
question._
* * * * *
[Illustration: WHAT IS IT?
_First Boy_ (_loq._). "I tell yer its 'ed's here!--I seen it move!"
_Second Do._ "I say it's at this end, yer stoopid!--I can see 'is
ears!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Dolly._ "Auntie, that's what I've done for the
cow-drawing competition at school."
_Auntie._ "But it is more like a horse than a cow."
_Dolly._ "It _is_ a horse. But, please, don't tell teacher!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "THE GENTLE CRAFT"
_Preceptor_ (_after a lecture_). "Now, what are the principal things
that are obtained from the earth?"
_Pupil_ (_and "disciple of Izaak Walton"_). "Worms, sir!"
[_Loses fifty marks!_]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A CONFESSION.--_Day Governess._ "How is it your French
exercises are always done so much better than your Latin ones?"
_Tommy_ (_after considering awhile_). "I don't think auntie knows
Latin."
[_Auntie, who was about to enter, quickly and quietly retires._]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "What are you doing in that cupboard, Cyril?"
"Hush, auntie! I'm pretending to be a thief!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: RETALIATION
"Tut, tut, my boy! You must not beat that little dog so. Has he bitten
you?"
"No, 'e ain't. But 'e's bin an' swallered my fardin!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A REMINISCENCE OF LENT
"And did you both practise a little self-denial, and agree to give up
something you were fond of?--_sugar_, for instance,--as I suggested?"
"Well, yes, auntie! Only it wasn't exactly _sugar_, you know! It was
_soap_ we agreed to give up!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: SUBTLE DISCRIMINATION
_Ethel_ (_to Jack, who has been put into the corner by the new
governess_). "I'm so sorry for you, Jack!"
_Jack._ "Bosh! who cares! This ain't a _real_ corner, you know!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A CANDID INQUIRER
"I say, John, is there anything I haven't tasted?"
"No, sir, I think not--except water!"
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Eva._ "Mother says I am descended from Mary Queen o'
Scots."
_Tom._ "So am I then, Eva."
_Eva._ "Don't be so silly, Tom! You can't be. You're a boy!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Old Gent._ "Is it a _board school_ you go to, my dear?"
_Child._ "No, sir. I believe it be a _brick_ one!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Kitty._ "Is your wound sore, Mr. Pup?"
_Mr. Pup._ "Wound! What wound?"
_Kitty._ "Why, sister said she cut you at the dinner last night!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Little Boy._ "How many steps can you jump, grandma? I
can jump _four_!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: INDUCTION
"Is this the _new_ baby, daddy?"--"Yes, dear."
"Why, he's got no teeth!"--"No, dear."
"And he's got no hair!"--"No, dear."
"Oh, daddy, it _must_ be an _old_ baby!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "It's an ill wind blows nobody good."]
* * * * *
_Horrified little girl_ (_seeing her mamma in evening dress for the
first time_). Oh, mummy, you're _never_ going down like that! You've
forgotten to put on your top part!
* * * * *
[Illustration: "Hi, silly! Come 'ere out of the rine!"]
* * * * *