I was really alone now, but had a variety of worrying thoughts,
hunting each other to death, but reproducing each other by thousands.
I was irate with Laura, though I felt very sad, but of all most vexed
that such an incident should have befallen my experience on that crown
of days. The awful power of a single soul struggled, in my
apprehension, with the vain weakness of a single heart. But more
overpowering than either was the sensation connecting the two. It was
a remembrance that I, too, might be called to suffer.
At last Miss Lawrence sent to know whether I chose my dinner. Her own
hour was six, and just at hand; but I felt so extremely disinclined to
eat that I thought I would refuse, and take a walk another way. Miss
Lawrence was one of those persons--gladdening souls are they!--who
mean exactly what they say, and expect you to say exactly what you
mean; thus I had no difficulty in explaining that I preferred to take
this walk, though it was not, after all, a walk _semplice_, for I was
bound to the cottage, and desired to reach it as soon as possible.
I met Miss Lawrence on the stairs, and she charged me to take care of
Laura. I could not refuse, of course, and we drove in one of those
delightful cabs that so effectually debar from connected conversation.
I was glad for once, though I need not have troubled myself to
descant, for Laura, in a great green veil, opened not her lips twice,
nor once looked towards me.
We dismissed the conveyance at the entrance of the hamlet, and walked
up together, still silent. It was about half-past seven then, and
vivid as at morning the atmosphere, if not the light. Unclouded
sunshine swept the clustered leaves of the intense June foliage,
heavy-tressed laburnum wore it instead of blossoms; but from the
secluded shade of the wayside gardens pierced the universal scent of
roses above all other fragrance except the limes, which hung their
golden bells out here and there, dropping their singular perfume all
lights alike.
I saw Seraphael's house first, and returned to it after leaving Laura
at that other white gate. All our windows were open, the breeze blew
over a desert of flowers,--all was "fairy-land forlorn." I felt
certain no one could be at home. I was right here. I could not enter.
I was drawn to that other gate,--I entered. Thoné opened the door,
looking quite as eastern in the western beams.
"Is Miss Benette at home?"
"I will see." For Thoné could spell out a little English now. She went
and saw.
"Yes, sir, to you; and she wishes to see you."
It was the first time Thoné had ever called me "sir," and I felt very
grand. A strange, subtile fancy, sweeter than the sweetest hope,
sprang daringly within me. But a crushing fear uprose, it swelled and
darkened,--my butterfly was broken upon that wheel; those rooms so
bright and festal, the air and sunshine falling upon clustered
flowers, upon evening freshness as at morning, were not, could not be,
for me! I advanced to the open piano, its glittering sheets outspread,
its smiling keys.
Hardly had I felt myself alone before one other entered. Alas, I was
still alone! Clara herself approached me, less calm than I had ever
seen her; her little hand was chilled as if by the rough kisses of an
eastern wind, though the south air fanned our summer; there was
agitation in her whole air, but more excitement. I had never seen her
excited; I had not been aware how strangely I should feel to see her
touched so deeply.
"Mr. Auchester, it must have been Heaven who sent you here to-night,
for I wanted to see you more than anybody, and was expecting some one
else. I never thought I should see you first; I wished it so very
much."
"Miss Benette, if it were in my power I would give you all you wish,
for the sake only of hearing you wish but once. I am grateful to be
able to fulfil your wishes in the very least degree. What is it
now?"--for her lip quivered like an infant's, and one tear stood in
each of her blue eyes. She wiped away those dew-drops that I would
have caught upon my heart, and answered, her voice of music all quiet
now,--
"I have had a strange letter from the gentleman you love so well. I do
not feel equal to what he asks,--that is, I am not deserving; but
still I must answer it; and after what you said to me last time you
were so kind as to talk to me, I do not think it right to overlook
it."
"I may not see the letter? I do not desire it; but suffer me to
understand clearly what it is about exactly, if you do not think me
too young, Miss Benette."
"Sir, I always feel as if you were older, and I rely upon you. I will
do as you please; I wish to do so only. This letter is to ask me to
marry him. Oh! how differently I felt when I was asked to marry Mr.
Davy!"
"Yes, I rather suppose so. You are ready to reply?"
"Not quite. I had not considered such a thing, and should have thought
first of marrying a king or an angel."
"He is above all kings, Miss Benette; and if he loves you, no angel's
happiness could be like your own. But is it so wholly unexpected?"
"I never imagined it, sir, for one single moment; nor could any woman
think he would prefer her. Of course, as he is above all others, he
has only to choose where he pleases."
I could not look at her as she spoke; I dared not trust myself,--the
most thrilling irony pointed her delicate, lovesome tones. I know not
that she knew it, but I did; it cut me far deeper than to the heart,
and through and through my spirit the wound made way. No tampering,
however, with "oil and balsams" here!
"Wherever he pleases, I should say. No one he could choose could fail
(I should imagine) in pleasing him to please herself."
She retorted, more tenderly: "I think it awful to remember that I may
not be worthy, that I may make him less happy than he now is, instead
of more so."
"Only love him!"
"But such a great difference! He will not always walk upon the earth.
I cannot be with him when he is up so high."
"I only say the same. He needs a companion for his earthly hours; then
only is it he is alone. His hours of elevation require no sympathy to
fill them; they are not solitude."
"I will do as you please, sir, for it must be right. Do you not wish
you were in my place?" She smiled softly upon me, just lifting her
lovely eyes.
"Miss Benette, I know no one but yourself who could fill those hours I
spoke of, nor any one but that beloved and glorious one who is worthy
to fill your heart _all_ hours. More I cannot say, for the whole
affair has taken me by surprise."
I had, indeed, been stricken by shock upon shock that day; but the
last remained to me when the wailings of misfortune, the echoes of my
bosom-music, alike had left my brain. I could not speak, and we both
sat silent, side by side, until the sun in setting streamed into the
room. Then, as I rose to lower the blind, and was absent from her at
the window, I heard a knock,--I had, or ought to have, expected it;
yet it turned me from head to foot, it thrilled me through and
through. I well knew the hand that had raised the echoes like a salute
of fairy cannon. I well knew the step that danced into the hall. I was
gone through the open window, not even looking back. I ran to the
bottom of the garden; I made for the Queen's highway; I walked
straight back to London.
There was a great party in Miss Lawrence's, I knew it from the corner
of the square; and I had to leave the lustrous darkness, the sleepy
stars and great suffusing moonshine, the very streets filled full and
overflowing with waftures of fragrances from the country, dim yet so
delicious, for that terrible drawing-room. I took advantage of the
excitement, however, that distressed me as it never burned before, to
plunge instantly into a duet for violin and piano; Miss Lawrence
calling me to her by the white spell of her waving hand the very
moment I entered at the drawing-room door. My duet, her noble playing,
made me myself, _as ever music saves her own_, and I conducted myself
rather less like a nightmare than I felt. The party consisted of
first-rate amateurs, the flower of the morning festival, both from
orchestra and audience,--all enchanted, all wordy, except my precious
Davy, who was very pale, and Starwood, whose eyes almost went into his
head with pain.
We all did our best, though. Starwood played most beautifully, and in
a style which made me glory over him. Davy sang, though his voice was
rather nervous. A great many people came up to me, but they got
nothing out of me. I could not descant upon my religion. When at
length they descended to supper,--a miscellaneous meal, which Miss
Lawrence always provided in great state,--I thought I might be
permitted to retire. Will it be believed that, half an hour
afterwards, hearing my sister and Davy come up leisurely to bed, and
peeping out to see them, I heard Millicent distinctly say, "I hope
baby is asleep"? I was to return with them on the morrow; but directly
after breakfast Miss Lawrence made me one of her signs, and led me
thereby, without controlling me hand or foot, out of the
breakfast-room. We were soon alone together in the studio.
"I thought you would like to be here this morning, for Seraphael has
promised to come and see it. I think myself that he will be rather
surprised."
I could not help smiling at her tone, it was so unaffectedly
satisfied.
"I should think he will, Miss Lawrence."
"I don't mean as to the merits of the picture, but because he does not
know it is--what shall I say?--historical, biographical, allegorical."
"You mean hieroglyphic?"
"Exactly."
"But he will not be likely to say anything about that part of it, will
he? Is he not too modest or too proud?"
"Why, one never can know what he can say or do. I should not wonder
the least in the world if he took the brushes up and put the eyes in
open."
I laughed. "Does he paint, though?"
"Between ourselves, Mr. Auchester, there is nothing he cannot do,--no
accomplishment in which he does not excel. He can paint, can design,
can model, can harmonize all languages into a language of his own. All
mysteries, all knowledge, all wisdom, we know too well,--too well,
indeed!--dwell with him, are of him. I am always afraid when I
consider these things. What a blessing to us and to all men if he
would only marry! We should keep him a little longer then."
"Do you think so? I am fearful it would make no real difference. There
is a point where all sympathy ceases."
Miss Lawrence shook her head, a lull came over the animation of her
manner; she hastened to arrange her scenery, now unique. She had
placed before the picture a velvet screen, deep emerald and grass-like
in its shade; this veil stood out alone, for she had cleared away all
signs of picture, sketch, or other frame besides. Nothing was in the
room but the picture on its lofty easel, and the loftier velvet shade.
I appreciated to the full the artist tact of the veil itself, and said
so.
"I think," was her reply, "it will be more likely to please him if I
keep him waiting a little bit, and his curiosity is touched a moment."
And then we went downstairs. Davy, who always had occupation on hand,
and would not have been destitute of duty on the shore of a desert
island, was absent in the city; Millicent, who had taken her work to a
window, was stitching the most delicate wristband in Europe, inside
the heavy satin curtain, as comfortably as in her tiny home. Miss
Lawrence went and stood by her, entertained her enchantingly,
eternally reminding her of her bliss by Mrs. Davying till I could but
laugh; but still my honored hostess was very impetuously excited, for
her eyes sparkled as most eyes only light by candle-shine or the
setting sun. She twisted the tassel of the blind, too, till I thought
the silk cord would have snapped; but Millicent only looked up
gratefully at her, without the slightest sign of astonishment or
mystification.
"Charles!" exclaimed my sister at length, when Miss Lawrence, fairly
exhausted with talking, was gathering up her gown into folds and
extempore plaits plaits--"Charles! you will be ready at two o'clock,
and we shall get home to tea."
I could not be angry with her for thinking of her baby, her little
house, her heaven of home; but there was a going back to winter for me
in the idea of going away. The music seemed dead, not slumbering, that
I had heard the day before. But is this strange? For there is a
slumber we call death. About half-past ten a footman fetched Miss
Lawrence. She touched my arm, apologizing to Millicent, though not
explaining, and we left the room together. She sent me onwards to the
studio, and went downstairs alone. I soon heard them coming
up,--indeed, I expected them directly; for Seraphael never waited for
anything, and never lost a moment. They were talking, and when he
entered he did not at first perceive me. His face was exquisite. A
charm softened the Hebrew keenness, that was not awful, like the
passion music stirring the hectic, or spreading its white light. He
was flushed, but more as a child that has been playing until it is
weary; his eyes, dilated, were of softer kindness than the brain gives
birth to,--his happy yet wayward smile, as if he rejoiced because
self-willing to rejoice. His clear gaze, his eager footstep, reminded
me of other days when he trembled on the verge of manhood; it was,
indeed, as a man that he shone before me that morning, and had never
shone before. They stood now before the screen, and I was astonished
at the utter self-possession of the paintress; she only watched his
face, and seemed to await his wishes.
"That screen is very beautiful velvet, and very beautifully made. Am I
never to look at anything else? Is nothing hidden behind it? I have
been very good, Miss Lawrence, and I waited very patiently; I do not
think I can wait any longer. May I pull it away?"
"Sir, most certainly. It is for you to do so at your pleasure. I am
not afraid either, though you will think me not over-modest."
Seraphael touched the screen,--it was massive, and resisted his little
hand; he became impatient. Miss Lawrence only laughed, but I rushed
out of my corner to help him. Before he looked at the picture he gave
me that little hand and a smile of his very own.
"Look, dearest sir!" I cried, "pray look now!"
And indeed he looked; and indeed, I shall not forget it. It was so
strange to turn from the living lineaments--the eye of the sun and
starlight, the brilliant paleness, the changeful glow, the look of
intense and concentrated vitality upon temple and lip and skin--to the
still, immortal visage, the aspect of glory beyond the grave, the
lustre unearthly, but not of death, that struck from those breathless
lips, those snow-sealed eyes; and, above all, to see that the light
seemed not to descend from the crown upon the forehead, but to aspire
from the forehead to the crown,--so the rays were mixed and fused
into the idea of that eternity in which there shall be a new earth
besides another heaven! That transcending picture, how would it affect
him? I little knew; for as he stood and gazed, he grew more like it.
The smile faded, the deep melancholy I had seldom seen, and never
without a shudder, swept back; as the sun goes into a cloud his face
assumed a darklier paleness, he appeared to suffer, but did not speak.
In some minutes still, he started, turned to Miss Lawrence, and
sighing gently, as gently said,--
"I wish I were more like it! I wish I were as that is! But we may not
dream dreams, though we may paint pictures. I should like to deserve
your idea, but I do not at present. Happy for us all who build upon
the future as you have done in that painting,--I mean entirely as to
the perfection of the work."
"Have I your permission to keep it, sir?"
"What else, madam, would you do with it?"
"Oh! if you had not approved, I should have slashed it into pieces
with a carving-knife or my father's razor. I shall keep it, with your
permission; it will be very valuable and precious, and I have to thank
you for the inestimable privilege of possessing it."
This cool treatment of Miss Lawrence's delighted me,--it was the only
one to restore our Chevalier. He, indeed, returned unto his rest, for
he left the house that moment. Nor could I have desired him to
remain,--there was only one presence in which I cared to imagine
him....