To that last phase of an unworldly morning succeeded the usual
contrasts both of state and mood. Pushing out all among the marbles in
a graceless disorder, finding in the sacred gloom of the precinct the
flashing carriages, the crested panels; a rattle, a real noise, real
things, real people,--these were as one might expect; and yet I was
very ungrateful, for I desired especially to avoid my dear brother and
dearest sister, who had come from the country that very day, though I
yet had failed to recognize or seek for them. Davy could generally
express what he _felt_ about music, and I did not know how it might
be.
I was thankful to be with Miss Lawrence, who behaved exactly as I
wished; that is to say, when we were fairly seated she began to talk
to her father, not to me, and upon indifferent or adverse matters. Of
Laura I had not even thought until now. She was upon my side, though
not just next me; she leaned back, and was so slight that nothing
could be seen of her, except her crushed-up dress. While, as an
amusing point of idiosyncrasy, I may remark that Miss Lawrence's dress
was as superb as ever; she also carried her flowers, not one decayed.
Laura has lost hers altogether.
Poor Starwood had closed his eyes, and was pretending to be asleep; he
had one of those headaches of his that rendered silence a necessity,
although they are "only nervous," and do not signify in the least. I
had no headache; I never was better in my life, and I never felt so
forcibly how much life is beyond _living_.
We drove home soon enough; I was Miss Lawrence's guest, and I knew
that with her generous goodness she had invited Millicent and Davy. We
had scarcely entered the drawing-room, where everything was utterly
unreal to me, before Davy's little quick knock came.
Miss Lawrence then approached me, and putting her bonnet quite over my
face, said, in a knowing whisper:
"You just go along upstairs; I know you cannot bear it. I am not made
quite of your stuff, and shall be happy to entertain your people. Your
brother and sister are no such awful persons to me, I assure you."
I obeyed,--perhaps selfishly; but I should have been poor company
indeed,--and went to my large bed-room. Large and luxuriously
furnished, it even looked romantic. I liked it; I passed to the
window, and was disturbed a moment afterwards by a servant who bore a
tray of eatables, with wine, sent by Miss Lawrence, of course, whose
moments counted themselves out in deeds of kindness. I took the tray,
delivered it to the charge of the first chair next the door, and
returned to my own at the window-seat.
The blue sky, so intense and clear, so deep piercing, was all I needed
to gaze on; and I was far gone in revery when I heard a knock at the
door of my room. It was a strange, short beat, almost as weird as
"Jeffrey," but at least it startled me to rise. I arose, and opened
it. I beheld Laura. I was scarcely surprised; yet I should indeed have
been surprised but for my immediate terror, almost awe, at her
unformal aspect.
I never saw a living creature look so far like death. There was no
gleam of life in her wan face, so fallen, agonized; no mortal,
spending sickness could have so reduced her! She fixed upon me her
wild eyes, clear as tearless; but at first she could not speak. She
tried again and again, but at last she staggered, and I put her, I
know not how, exactly, into a chair at hand. She was light almost as a
child of five years old, but so listless that I was afraid of hurting
her; and immediately she sat down she fainted. It was a real,
unmitigated faint, and no mistake; I could see she had not herself
expected it. I was accustomed to this kind of thing, however, for
Lydia at home was fond of fainting away in church, or on the threshold
of the door; also Fred's wife made a point of fainting at regular
intervals. But I never saw any one faint as Laura: she turned to
marble in a moment; there was a rigid fixing of her features that
would have alarmed me had I loved her, and that rendered my very
anxiety for her a grief. I could not lift her then, for light as she
was, she leaned upon me, and I could only stretch my arm to reach the
decanter from its stand. The wine was, however, of no use at present;
I had to put the glass upon the floor after filling it with
unmentionable exertion. But after ten minutes or so, as I expected
from a relaxation of her countenance, she awoke as out of a breathless
sleep. She looked at me, up into my face; she was again the little
Laura whom I had known at Davy's class.
"I only wanted to ask you to let me lie upon your bed, for I am going
back to-night, and have not a room here; and I did not like to ask
Miss Lawrence. I hope you do not mind it. I should not have done so,
if I had not felt so very ill."
The humility of her manner here, so unlike what I had seen in the
little I had seen of her, made me ashamed, and it also touched me
seriously. I said I was sorry, very sorry, that she should be ill, but
that it was what any very delicate or feeling person might expect
after so much excitement; and as I spoke, I would have assisted her,
but she assisted herself, and lay down upon the bed directly.
"If you please, sit in the window away from me, and go on with your
thoughts. Do not trouble yourself about me, or I shall go away again."
"I will keep quiet, certainly, because you yourself should keep so."
And then I gave her the wine, and covered her with the quilt to the
throat; for although it was so warm, she had begun to shake and
tremble as she lay. I held the wine to her lips, for she could not
hold the glass; and while I did so, before she tasted, she said, with
an emphasis I am very unlikely ever to forget,--
"I wish it could be poison."
I saw there was something the matter then, and as being responsible at
that instant, I mechanically uttered the reply,--
"Will you not tell me why you wish it? I _can_ mix poison; but I
should be very sorry to give it to any one, and above all to you."
"Why to _me_? You would be doing more good than by going to hear all
that music."
I gazed at her for one moment; a suspicion (which, had it been a
certainty, would have failed to turn me from her) thwarted my simple
pity. I gazed, and it was enough; I felt there was nothing I needed
fear to know,--that child had never sinned against her soul. I
therefore said, more carelessly than just then I felt:
"Miss Lemark, because you are gifted, because you are good, because
you are innocent. It is not everybody who is either of these, and very
few indeed are all the three. I will not have you talk just now,
unless, indeed, you can tell me that I can do nothing for you. You
know how slight my resources are, but you need not fear to trust me."
"If you did let me talk, what should I say? But you have told a
lie,--or rather, I made you tell it. I am _not_ gifted,--at least, my
gifts are such as nobody really cares for. I am innocent? I am _not_
innocent; and for the other word you used, I do not think I ought to
speak it,--it no more belongs to me than beauty or than happiness."
"All that is beautiful belongs to all who love it, thank God, Miss
Lemark, or I should be very poor indeed in that respect. But why are
you so angry with yourself because, having gone through too much
happiness, you are no longer happy? It must be so for all of us, and I
do not regret, though I have felt it."
"_You_ regret it,--you to regret anything!" said Laura, haughtily, her
hauteur striking through her paleness reproachfully. "You--a man! I
would sell my soul, if I have a soul, to be a man, to be able to live
to myself, to be delivered from the torment of being and feeling what
nobody cares for."
"If we live to ourselves, we men,--if I may call myself a man,--we are
not less tormented, and not less because men are expected to bear up,
and may not give themselves relief in softer sorrow. My dear Miss
Lemark, it appears to me that if we allow ourselves to sink, either
for grief or joy, it matters not which, we are very much to blame, and
more to be pitied. There is ever a hope, even for the hopeless, as
they think themselves; how much more for those who need not and must
not despair! And those who are born with the most hopeful temper find
that they cannot exist without faith."
"That is the way the people always talk who have everything the world
can give them,--who have more than everything they wish for; who have
all their love cared for; who may express it without being mocked, and
worship without being trampled on. You are the most enviable person in
the whole world except one, and I do not envy her, but I do envy you."
"Very amiable, Miss Lemark!" and I felt my old wrath rising, yet
smiled it down. "You see all this is a conjecture on your part; you
cannot know what I feel, nor is it for you to say that because I am a
man I can have exactly what I please. Very possibly, precisely because
I am a man, I cannot. But anyhow, I shall not betray myself, nor is it
ever safe to betray ourselves, unless we cannot help it."
"I do not care about betraying myself; I am miserable, and I _will_
have comfort,--comfort is for the miserable!"
"Not the comfort a human heart can bring you, however soft it may
chance to be."
"I should hate a soft heart's comfort; I would not take it. It is
because you are not soft-hearted I want yours."
"I would willingly bestow it upon you if I knew how; but you know that
Keble says: "Whom oil and balsams kill, what salve can cure?'"
"I do not know Keble."
"Then you ought to cultivate his acquaintance, Miss Lemark, as a poet,
at least, if not as a gentleman."
I wished at once to twist the subject aside and to make her laugh; a
laugh dispels more mental trouble than any tears at times. But,
contrary to expectation on my part, my recipe failed here; she broke
into a tremendous weeping, without warning, nor did she hide her
face, as those for the most part do who must shed their tears. She
sobbed openly, aloud; and yet her sorrow did not inspire me with
contempt, for it was as unsophisticated as any child's. It was evident
she had not been accustomed to suffering, and knew not how to restrain
its expression, neither that it ought to be restrained. I moved a few
feet from her, and waited; I did right,--in the rain the storm
exhaled. She wiped away her tears, but they yet pearled the long, pale
lashes as she resumed,--
"I am much obliged to you for telling me I ought not to say these
things; but it would be better if you could prevent my feeling them."
"No one can prevent that, Miss Lemark; and perhaps it does not signify
what you feel, if you can prevent its interfering with your duty to
others and to yourself."
"You to talk of duty,--you, who possess every delight that the earth
contains, and with whom I would rather change places than with the
angels!"
"I have many delights; but if I had no duties to myself, the delights
would fail. An artist, I consider, Miss Lemark, has the especial duty
imposed upon him or her to let it be seen that art is the nearest
thing in the universe to God, after nature; and his life must be
tolerably pure for that."
"That is just it. But it is easy enough to do right when you have all
that your heart wants and your mind asks for. I have nothing."
"Miss Lemark, you are an artist."
"You know very well how you despise such art as mine, even if I did my
duty by that; but I do not, and that is what I want comfort for. You
did not think I should tell you anything else!"
"I would have you tell me nothing that you are not obliged to say; it
is dangerous,--at least, I should find it so."
"You have not suffered; or if you have, you have never offended. I
have done what would make you spurn me. But that would not matter to
me; anything is better than to seem what I am not."
"What is the matter, then? I never spurned a living creature, God
knows; and for every feeling of antipathy to some persons, I have felt
a proportionate wish for their good. There are different ranks of
spirits, Miss Lemark, and it is not because we are in one that we do
not sympathize quite as much as is necessary with the rest. Albeit,
you and I are of one creed, you know,--both artists, and both, I
believe, desirous to serve art as we best may; thus we meet on equal
grounds, and whatever you say I shall hear as if it were my sister who
spoke to me."
"If you meant that, it would be very kind, for I have no brother; I
have none of my blood, and I can expect no one else to love me. I do
not care to be loved, even; but every one must grow to something. You
know Clara? I see you do; you always felt for her as you could not
help. No one could feel for her as she deserves. I wish I could die
for Clara, and now I cannot die even for myself, for I feel, oh! I
feel that to die is not to die,--that music made me feel it; but I
have never felt it before,--I have been a heathen. I cannot say I wish
I had not heard it, for anything is better than to be so shut out as I
was. You remember how, when I was a little girl, I loved to dance. I
always liked it until I grew up; but I cannot tell you how at last,
when I came out in Paris, and after the first few nights,--which were
most beautiful to me,--I wearied. Night after night, in the same
steps, to the same music--music--Is it music? You do not look as if
you called it so. I did not know I danced,--I dreamed; I am not sure
now, sometimes, that I was ever awake those nights. I was lazy, and
grew indolent; and when Clara came to Paris, I went along with her.
Would you believe it? I have done nothing ever since." She paused a
long minute; I did not reply. "You are not shocked?"
"No. I think not."
"You don't scorn me, and point your face at me? Then you ought, for I
lived upon her and by her, and made no effort, while she took no rest,
working hard and always. But with it all she kept her health, like the
angels in heaven, and I grew ill and weak. I could not dance then. I
felt it to be impossible, though sometimes it came upon me that I
could; and then the remembrance of those nights, all alike, night
after night--I could not. Pray tell me now whether I am not worthless.
But I have no beauty; I am lost."
"Miss Lemark, if you were really lost, and had no beauty, it appears
to me that you would not complain about it; people do not, I assure
you, who are ugly or in despair. You are overdone, and you overrate
your little girlish follies; everything is touched by the color of
your thought, but is not really what it seems. Believe me,--as I
cannot but believe,--that your inaction arose from morbid feeling and
not too strong health; not from true want of energy or courage. You
are young, a great deal too young, to trust all you fancy, or even
feel; and you ought to be thankful there is nothing more for you to
regret than that weighing down your spirit. You will do everything we
expect and wish, when you become stronger,--a strong woman, I hope;
for remember, you are only a girl. Nor will you find that you are
less likely to succeed then because of this little voluntary of
_idlesse_."
"You are only speaking so because it is troublesome to you to be
addressed at all. You do not mean it; you are all music."
"There is only one who is all music, Miss Lemark."
She hid her face for many minutes; at last she looked up, and said
with more softness, a smile almost sweet:
"Mr. Auchester, I feel I am detaining you; let me beg you to sit
down."
I just got up on the side of the bed.
"That will do beautifully. And now, Miss Lemark, if I am to be your
doctor, you must go to sleep."
"Because I shall not talk? But I will not go to sleep, and I will
talk. What should you do if you were in my place, feeling as I do?"
"I do not know all."
"You may if you like."
"Then I may guess; at least, I may imagine all that I might feel if I
were in your place,--a delicate young lady who has been fainting for
the love of music."
"You are sneering; I do not mind that. I have seen such an expression
upon a face I admire more than yours. Suppose you felt you had seen--"
"What I could never forget, nor cease to love," I answered, fast and
eagerly; I _could_ not let her say it, or anything just there,--"I
should earnestly learn his nature, should fill myself to the brim with
his beauty, just as with his music. I should feel that in keeping my
heart pure, above all from envy, and my life most like his life, I
should be approaching nearer than any earthly tie could lead me,
should become worthy of his celestial communion, of his immortal, his
heavenly tendencies. Nor should I regret to suffer,--to suffer for his
sake."
I used these last words--themselves so well remembered--without
remembering who said them for me first, till I had fairly spoken; then
I, too, longed to weep: Maria's voice was trembling in my brain, a
ghostly music. As Laura answered, the ghostly music passed, even as a
wind shaken and scattered upon the sea. It was earth again, as vague,
scarcely less lonely!
"A worldly man would mock. You do not a much wiser thing, but you do
it for the best. I will try to hide it forever, for there is, indeed,
no hope."
Half imploring, this was hardly a question; yet I answered,--
"I do believe none."
"You are cold, not cruel. I would rather know the truth. Yes! I would
hide it forever; I will not even speak of it to you."
"Even from yourself hide it, if it must be hidden at all. And yet, I
always think that a hidden sorrow is the best companion we can have."
"I am very selfish. I know that if Miss Lawrence finds out I am with
you, you will not like it. You had better let me go downstairs."
"I will go myself, if you prefer to be alone; but you must not move."
"I must move,--I will not be found here; I had quite forgotten that. I
will go this moment."
I did not dream of her actually departing; but before I could
remonstrate further, she had planted herself lightly upon the carpet,
and looked as well as usual: it was nothing extraordinary to see her
pale. She smoothed her long hair at my glass, and arranged her dress;
she shook hands with me afterwards also, and then she left the room.