MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWE WEDNESDAY, FOUR O'CLOCK IN THE
AFTERNOON
I am just returned from depositing the letter I so lately finished, and
such of Mr. Lovelace's letters as I had not sent you. My long letter I
found remaining there--so you will have both together.
I am convinced, methinks, it is not with you.--But your servant cannot
always be at leisure. However, I will deposit as fast as I write. I must
keep nothing by me now; and when I write, lock myself in, that I may not
be surprised now they think I have no pen and ink.
I found in the usual place another letter from this diligent man: and,
by its contents, a confirmation that nothing passes in this house but
he knows it; and that almost as soon as it passes. For this letter
must have been written before he could have received my billet; and
deposited, I suppose, when that was taken away; yet he compliments me in
it upon asserting myself (as he calls it) on that occasion to my uncle
and to Mr. Solmes.
'He assures me, however, that they are more and more determined to
subdue me.
'He sends me the compliments of his family; and acquaints me with their
earnest desire to see me amongst them. Most vehemently does he press for
my quitting this house, while it is in my power to get away: and again
craves leave to order his uncle's chariot-and-six to attend my commands
at the stile leading to the coppice adjoining to the paddock.
'Settlements to my own will he again offers. Lord M. and Lady Sarah and
Lady Betty to be guarantees of his honour and justice. But, if I choose
not to go to either of those ladies, nor yet to make him the happiest of
men so soon as it is nevertheless his hope that I will, he urges me to
withdraw to my own house, and to accept of Lord M. for my guardian and
protector till my cousin Morden arrives. He can contrive, he says,
to give me easy possession of it, and will fill it with his female
relations on the first invitation from me; and Mrs. Norton, or Miss
Howe, may be undoubtedly prevailed upon to be with me for a time. There
can be no pretence for litigation, he says, when I am once in it. Nor,
if I choose to have it so, will he appear to visit me; nor presume to
mention marriage to me till all is quiet and easy; till every method I
shall prescribe for a reconciliation with my friends is tried; till my
cousin comes; till such settlements are drawn as he shall approve of for
me; and that I have unexceptionable proofs of his own good behaviour.'
As to the disgrace a person of my character may be apprehensive of upon
quitting my father's house, he observes (too truly I doubt) 'That the
treatment I meet with is in every one's mouth: yet, he says, that the
public voice is in my favour. My friends themselves, he says, expect
that I will do myself what he calls, this justice: why else do they
confine me? He urges, that, thus treated, the independence I have a
right to will be my sufficient excuse, going but from their house to my
own, if I choose that measure; or in order to take possession of my
own, if I do not: that all the disgrace I can receive, they have already
given me: that his concern and his family's concern in my honour, will
be equal to my own, if he may be so happy ever to call me his: and he
presumes, he says, to aver, that no family can better supply the loss
of my own friends to me than his, in whatever way I shall do them the
honour to accept of his and their protection.
'But he repeats, that, in all events, he will oppose my being carried to
my uncle's; being well assured, that I shall be lost to him for ever, if
once I enter into that house.' He tells me, 'That my brother and sister,
and Mr. Solmes, design to be there to receive me: that my father and
mother will not come near me till the ceremony is actually over: and
that then they will appear, in order to try to reconcile me to my odious
husband, by urging upon me the obligations I shall be supposed to be
under from a double duty.'
How, my dear, am I driven on one side, and invited on the other!--This
last intimation is but a too probable one. All the steps they take seem
to tend to this! And, indeed, they have declared almost as much.
He owns, 'That he has already taken his measures upon this
intelligence:--but that he is so desirous for my sake (I must suppose,
he says, that he owes them no forbearance for their own) to avoid coming
to extremities, that he has suffered a person, whom they do not suspect,
to acquaint them with his resolutions, as if come at by accident, if
they persist in their design to carry me by violence to my uncle's;
in hopes, that they may be induced from the fear of mischief which
may ensue, to change their measures: and yet he is aware, that he has
exposed himself to the greatest risques by having caused this intimation
to be given them; since, if he cannot benefit himself by their fears,
there is no doubt but they will doubly guard themselves against him upon
it.'
What a dangerous enterpriser, however, is this man!
'He begs a few lines from me by way of answer to this letter, either
this evening, or to-morrow morning. If he be not so favoured, he shall
conclude, from what he knows of the fixed determination of my relations,
that I shall be under a closer restraint than before: and he shall be
obliged to take his measures according to that presumption.'
You will see by this abstract, as well by his letter preceding this,
(for both run in the same strain,) how strangely forward the difficulty
of my situation has brought him in his declarations and proposals; and
in his threatenings too: which, but for that, I would not take from him.
Something, however, I must speedily resolve upon, or it will be out of
my power to help myself.
Now I think of it, I will enclose his letter, (so might have spared the
abstract of it,) that you may the better judge of all his proposals, and
intelligence; and les it should fall into other hands. I cannot forgive
the contents, although I am at a loss what answer to return.*
* She accordingly encloses Mr. Lovelace's letter. But as the
most material contents of it are given in her abstract, it
is omitted.
I cannot bear the thoughts of throwing myself upon the protection of his
friends:--but I will not examine his proposals closely till I hear from
you. Indeed, I have no eligible hope, but in your mother's goodness Hers
is a protection I could more reputably fly to, than to that of any other
person: and from hers should be ready to return to my father's (for the
breach then would not be irreparable, as it would be, if I fled to
his family): to return, I repeat, on such terms as shall secure but my
negative; not my independence: I do not aim at that (so shall lay your
mother under the less difficulty); though I have a right to be put
into possession of my grandfather's estate, if I were to insist upon
it:--such a right, I mean, as my brother exerts in the bid, that I
should ever think myself freed from my father's reasonable controul,
whatever right my grandfather's will has given me! He, good gentleman,
left me that estate, as a reward of my duty, and not to set me above
it, as has been justly hinted to me: and this reflection makes me more
fearful of not answering the intention of so valuable a bequest.--Oh!
that my friends knew but my heart!--Would but think of it as they used
to do!--For once more, I say, If it deceive me not, it is not altered,
although theirs are!
Would but your mother permit you to send her chariot, or chaise, to the
bye-place where Mr. Lovelace proposes Lord M.'s shall come, (provoked,
intimidated, and apprehensive, as I am,) I would not hesitate a moment
what to do. Place me any where, as I have said before--in a cot, in a
garret; any where--disguised as a servant--or let me pass as a servant's
sister--so that I may but escape Mr. Solmes on one hand, and the
disgrace of refuging with the family of a man at enmity with my own,
on the other; and I shall be in some measure happy!--Should your
good mother refuse me, what refuge, or whose, can I fly to?--Dearest
creature, advise your distressed friend.
*****
I broke off here--I was so excessively uneasy, that I durst not trust
myself with my own reflections. I therefore went down to the garden, to
try to calm my mind, by shifting the scene. I took but one turn upon the
filbert-walk, when Betty came to me. Here, Miss, is your papa--here
is your uncle Antony--here is my young master--and my young mistress,
coming to take a walk in the garden; and your papa sends me to see where
you are, for fear he should meet you.
I struck into an oblique path, and got behind the yew-hedge, seeing my
sister appear; and there concealed myself till they were gone past me.
My mother, it seems is not well. My poor mother keeps her
chamber--should she be worse, I should have an additional unhappiness,
in apprehension that my reputed undutifulness had touched her heart.
You cannot imagine what my emotions were behind the yew-hedge, on seeing
my father so near me. I was glad to look at him through the hedge as he
passed by: but I trembled in every joint, when I heard him utter these
words: Son James, to you, and to you Bella, and to you, Brother, do I
wholly commit this matter. That I was meant, I cannot doubt. And yet,
why was I so affected; since I may be said to have been given up to the
cruelty of my brother and sister for many days past?
*****
While my father remained in the garden, I sent my dutiful compliments
to my mother, with inquiry after her health, by Shorey, whom I met
accidentally upon the stairs; for none of the servants, except my
gaoleress, dare to throw themselves in my way. I had the mortification
of such a return, as made me repent my message, though not my concern
for her health. 'Let her not inquire after the disorders she occasions,'
was her harsh answer. 'I will not receive any compliments from her.'
Very, very hard, my dear! Indeed it is very hard.
*****
I have the pleasure to hear that my mother is already better. A colicky
disorder, to which she is too subject. It is hoped it is gone off--God
send it may!--Every evil that happens in this house is owing to me!
This good news was told me, with a circumstance very unacceptable; for
Betty said, she had orders to let me know, that my garden-walks and
poultry-visits were suspected; and that both will be prohibited, if I
stay here till Saturday or Monday.
Possibly this is said by order, to make me go with less reluctance to my
uncle's.
My mother bid her say, if I expostulated about these orders, and about
my pen and ink, 'that reading was more to the purpose, at present, than
writing: that by the one, I might be taught my duty; that the other,
considering whom I was believed to write to, only stiffened my will:
that my needle-works had better be pursued than my airings; which were
observed to be taken in all weathers.'
So, my dear, if I do not resolve upon something soon, I shall neither be
able to avoid the intended evil, nor have it in my power to correspond
with you.
*****