We cannot always answer for what we can do: but to convince you, that I
can keep my above resolution, with regard to Mr. Lovelace, angry as my
letter is, and three hours since it was written, I assure you, that I
repent it not; nor will soften it, although I find it is not taken away.
And yet I hardly ever before did any thing in anger, that I did not
repent in half an hour; and question myself in less that that time,
whether I was right or wrong.
In this respite till Tuesday, I have a little time to look about me,
as I may say, and to consider of what I have to do, and can do. And Mr.
Lovelace's insolence will make me go very home with myself. Not that I
think I can conquer my aversion to Mr. Solmes. I am sure I cannot. But,
if I absolutely break with Mr. Lovelace, and give my friends convincing
proofs of it, who knows but they will restore me to their favour, and
let their views in relation to the other man go off by degrees?--Or,
at least, that I may be safe till my cousin Morden arrives: to whom,
I think, I will write; and the rather, as Mr. Lovelace has assured
me, that my friends have written to him to make good their side of the
question.
But, with all my courage, I am exceedingly apprehensive about the
Tuesday next, and about what may result from my steadfastness; for
steadfast I am sure I shall be. They are resolved, I am told, to try
every means to induce me to comply with what they are determined upon.
And I am resolved to do all I can to avoid what they would force me to
do. A dreadful contention between parents and child!--Each hoping to
leave the other without excuse, whatever the consequence may be.
What can I do? Advise me, my dear. Something is strangely wrong
somewhere! to make parents, the most indulgent till now, seem cruel in
a child's eye; and a daughter, till within these few weeks, thought
unexceptionably dutiful, appear, in their judgment, a rebel!--Oh! my
ambitious and violent brother! What may he have to answer for to both!
Be pleased to remember, my dear, that your last favour was dated on
Saturday. This is Wednesday: and none of mine have been taken away
since. Don't let me want you advice. My situation is extremely
difficult.--But I am sure you love me still: and not the less on that
account. Adieu, my beloved friend.